Tag Archive for: Tips

The Death of Traditional Vows (& A Few Tips On Writing Your Own!)

When planning for a wedding, often wedding vows either seem completely overlooked or a big source of stress from the start. Not only do you have to listen, remember, and repeat a bunch of words in front of hundreds of people, but people expect you to speak them flawlessly! (Side note, if you haven’t seen the video of the guy saying “waffley wedded wife” instead of “lawfully wedded wife,” do yourself a favor and go watch it here.)

I’m not sure if that video struck fear in the minds of the future newlyweds or what exactly happened. But it seems like recently, the traditional wedding vow is dying a slow death. 

Nearly every wedding I’ve been to within the last three years (including my own) did not include the familiar words. Instead, those 3-5 minutes were full of words directly from the bride and groom.

My husband and I chose to ditch the “to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse…” etc. It was not as meaningful to us as what we wanted to promise each other. So instead, we came up with our own list of vows we wanted to make and chose to speak those instead.

But here’s the issue… most of the weddings I mentioned earlier – to put it lightly – didn’t actually have any vows.

No real promises made, no list of actions they vowed to their partner. Rather, it basically felt like a mushy-gushy love letter – with a few jokes thrown in there. Instead of “until death do us part,” it was, “even if I get tired of you.” (Oh yeah, that happened.)

The definition of the word vow from the good ol’ Merriam Webster is “to promise solemnly.” That doesn’t mean wedding vows are restricted to the somewhat rigid words in the traditional vows. But it also doesn’t mean that it is the time to write a love letter to your soon-to-be spouse for all to hear! Alternatively, focus on the marriage that you are promising. Instead of writing them as if you were only going to be speaking to your partner, write them as words you are speaking to everyone in attendance: the close family and friends who will hold you accountable for keeping those vows.

If you do choose to let the traditional vow keep fading away and instead write your own (I’m definitely not judging, I did that too!), here are steps you can take. These steps will help you make sure you’re making solid promises, not just serenading a love letter!

  1. First of all, write down bullet points of major moments in your relationship so far that have defined your love and the way the two of you work. It’s also a good idea to come up with a few things that make your relationship unique!
  2. Then, make a few sentences around those memories. These sentences will help you see the core values that will be in your marriage. They will help you define what exactly you want (and need) to promise to your spouse.
  3. From there, start making a list of promises you want to make so that your marriage stays strong from the start. Know that some of them won’t feel comfortable or easy, and that’s actually a good thing. A vow can be something that you know you struggle with because what good is a promise if it comes naturally? Plus, knowing the areas where you can improve will help your relationship in the long run!
  4. Research examples of other vows when you feel stuck. A lot of things won’t apply to your own relationship. But it’s a good way to get ideas of areas in which you can make a promise!
  5. Finally, write from your heart. This one is kinda obvious, but it was a struggle when I was writing mine. I wanted them to sound more poetic than unique to our marriage, and for a while, I was stuck. Then I started writing down promises. The promises included things I knew I needed to say to my soon-to-be husband. Only then did things start flowing naturally!

Whether you are sticking with the traditional vow or writing your own, take note of the words you are speaking. It’s not just another part of the ceremony. It’s not merely something you should do before you say “I do.” They are a vital piece of a strong marriage. They are something you will cherish, even as the years start to fly by and until death do you part.

Looking for more resources for your engagement? Click here!

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The One-Bathroom Apartment Dilemma

*Note: I’m an early riser. Always have been, always will be. My husband, on the other hand… not so much. Being newlywed and trying to stick to a routine, I’ve learned to let him sleep until I’ve had my coffee, had my shower, and have start working on breakfast. And for about a month, it has actually worked! That is, until one morning, I had gotten my coffee and was in the shower when I heard that knock….

“Hey, Caroline?”

Surprised that he was even awake enough to voice a question, I responded, “Yes…?”

“I really need to use the bathroom. Are you done yet?”

Me, knowing that I probably didn’t want to be in the bathroom once he came in, but also in the middle of shampooing my hair, responded to his question and said, “Not really, but hold on… I can step out in just a second.” In slight frustration, I quickly rinsed the shampoo, turned off the water, and grabbed my towel.

You see, my husband and I are trying our best to save for a house as soon as we can, which meant signing a lease on a tiny apartment for the time being. One bedroom. Barely enough space for a couch in the living room. And, as I’m sure you’ve figured out by now, one bathroom.

Moving in, neither of us thought it would be a problem! I’d just get up early, get things done, then he would be able to do the same after me. But, as with everything in life, things don’t always go according to plan.

That morning threw off the rest of my day, and it took me quite a while to understand why.

But by that evening, I realized something: I was frustrated with him, despite neither of us being to blame for the situation. I was upset, not because he had to use the bathroom, but because it wasn’t a part of our original plan. I wanted to be in control.

Yes, it seems a little exaggerated to get to that conclusion from a disrupted morning routine. But let me tell you. It opened my eyes to a whole different perspective of myself that I was not at all aware of.

So many people warned us that marriage is a great magnifying glass on all your flaws. But I didn’t realize how true it was until the honeymoon phase had left, and our true, imperfect selves showed again. Since that day, I have been very conscious of what I can and cannot control and my reactions to those things.

So, bottom line. Never assume that just because you have a plan or routine in your newlywed relationship, everything will go according to plan. A spouse is not there to point out your flaws, but to walk with you. They are there to support you and grow with you through each and every interruption.

Lastly, and most importantly: if possible… have more than one bathroom for your first year if you can.

Looking for more engagement resources? Click here!

***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***

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How to Be More Supportive

Everyone has bad days and faces challenges in life, and we all need encouragement to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Sometimes in our efforts to be helpful and to avoid awkwardness, we say things like, “Look at the bright side of things,” or “Think positive.” While well-intentioned, the words may not be super helpful. We need to be more supportive.

The reality is, allowing people to be vulnerable, open and honest about where they are can be a real gift. We live in a world where 1 in 4 people struggles with anxiety about different aspects of life. Just telling them to be positive or pointing out what we see as the “silver lining” does not provide a solution or make things better for them.

What might be more helpful than mere words is your presence as they walk the road.

Acknowledge the reality at hand by being there and by saying, “I can tell this is so hard,” or “In the midst of the storm, it is hard to see past all the challenges.” Asking, “What can you do for yourself today that will be comforting as you try and sort things out?” can also make a world of difference in how they view the situation.

Whitney Hawkins Goodman, licensed marriage and family therapist, posted a graphic on Instagram containing common positive statements that are meant to be helpful, but might not necessarily be beneficial to someone who is really struggling. She contrasted those statements with ones that offer validation and hope instead.

Instead of saying, “See the good in everything,” Goodman suggests trying, “It’s probably really hard to see any good in this situation.

We’ll make sense of it later.” Or, instead of, “Just be positive,” what about, “I know there’s a lot that could go wrong. What could go right?” The truth is, it’s super hard to see the good in anything when you literally can’t see your way out of the pit. With these statements, you aren’t trying to sugarcoat the problem, and you are giving them the opportunity to consider whether there is potential for something good to happen.

Think about the hard times in your own life. Sometimes it doesn’t feel safe to express yourself because you aren’t sure how another person will respond. What we are looking for in moments like this is empathy. 

It can be uncomfortable to see someone you care about struggling. What you really want to do is fix the problem, but you can’t and usually you shouldn’t. In the midst of not being sure what to say or do, our tendency is to “Don’t just sit there; Do something.” Perhaps in this instance we should turn the tables and say, “Don’t do something; Just sit there. 

It’s freeing for both parties if you are able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and get into the trenches with them, even if you can’t fix it for them.

However, you can listen, hold their hand and help them find perspective. In doing so, you are allowing them to feel what they feel without inadvertently being judgmental or condescending, and that is powerful.

Sometimes we underestimate the power of just showing up. You don’t have to have all the right words. Nor do you have to figure out best next steps. It’s OK not to be OK sometimes.

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The Importance of MeaningLESS Conversations

“What are you thinking about?”

“Nothing…”

Sound familiar? Ever wonder what they’re really thinking about? Well, today, we’re going to find out. Usually, that “nothing,” actually means “nothing important,” and that can actually be a really fun place in their mind for you to see! It’s all about meaningless conversations!

Ask any couple, anywhere, at any time, what the key to a good marriage is, and there’s a near 100% guarantee they will mention communication in some way, shape, or form. Are they wrong? Not at all! Communication really is key to working your way through a whole lot of issues! But when communication is always focused on bettering the relationship, you’re missing out on a lot of fun, too.

Now, let me clarify this before we get too far into it. I am in NO way saying that the meaningful convos aren’t helpful. They are completely necessary to a fully-functioning, healthy relationship.

But hear me out on this: How many times have you looked at your partner and asked yourself, “We’ve been together for (fill in the blank) years now, so why don’t I feel like I know you as well as I used to?” Or maybe you have done an awesome job of having intentional, deep and meaningful conversations with your love, but something feels like it’s missing.

Well, good news for you. You might have stumbled upon the answer!! It just might be meaningLESS conversations: conversations that have nothing to do with the two of you (or anything else for that matter). They’re moments full of silliness, laughter, and fun where you and your partner truly connect. You get to learn more about your partner, you get to be goofy together, you find out things you’d never know otherwise, AND, most importantly, you both get a break from all the to-dos, the heavy topics, and the day-to-day crazies. You get a chance to fully enjoy your partner’s personality and company.

Still don’t get what I’m talking about? Here are a few questions you can ask your partner to get started. If you’re not used to asking questions like this, it might seem dumb at first. But I promise. It’s worth it.

  • If you were given $100,000 (totally tax-free and no strings attached) and had to spend it ALL this week (no investments or saving funds!) what would you buy?
  • If you could be any historical figure from the 15th century, who would you be and why?
  • What is your favorite scent? Does it have any memories attached to it? Would it make a good candle or not?
  • If you could instantly make one invention completely disappear from this world, what would it be and why?
  • If you could tell one thing to your great, great, great-grandson/daughter when they turn 16, what would it be?
  • Would you rather always have perfect hair or never run out of toilet paper?
  • What’s one thing your parents said to you that you will never forget?

Even though these types of questions have nothing to do with your relationship directly, you just might be surprised at how much a meaningless conversation here and there can do for the love you have for your honey.

Take some time today to let go of the heaviness of all the meaningful & important conversations. Instead, just sit and enjoy what your spouse has to say about the “nothings” of life!

Looking for more marriage resources? Click here!

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5 Things Every Engaged Couple Should Know

5 Things Every Engaged Couple Should Know:

1. Marriage is a magnifier.

Some couples think a bad habit or irritating trait will disappear after they say, “I do…” The reality is that marriage is a magnifier – both positively and negatively. See a little bit of this trait while dating or engaged? You’ll be seeing a lot of it after you get married.

2. Money is a big part of life.

Have you had some honest communication about student loans, credit scores, spending/saving habits? Money is often the number one thing couples fight about in marriage.

3. Do they know how to “fight nice?”

How do they handle conflict, stress and anger? Life will flip you for real and you won’t always agree on how to handle it! Now what? Do they get loud? Do they withdraw? Can they disagree without it getting personal? Do they bring up past mistakes constantly? Learn how to fight nice, fight fair and argue constructively toward solutions – NOT tear down and just hurt each other. (And remember – marriage is a magnifier…)

4. Get around each other’s friends and family.

Love is blind but your uncle might be an eye-opener. He might see a quality or trait that you flat-out missed. What are their friends and family like? How do they communicate and manage conflict? Does his mom dote on him all the time because “he’s her little baby?” Is he going to be expecting that same doting treatment from you?

5. Saying, “I Don’t…”

It is better to break off an engagement than to move forward into a marriage that your heart really isn’t into, you have a bad feeling about, or all the people close to you are warning you about. It might feel too late in the game, you may have spent money, rented out space and even sent invitations, but until you say, “I do…” you can still say “I don’t…” And that may be best in some cases. Maybe you just need to date a little longer and get to know each other better. Maybe you have some real concerns that have to be addressed. Remember: Marriage is for life, “‘til death do us part…”

No matter what, these 5 things that every engaged couple should know can guide you and your potential spouse through this season of unknown, planning, and celebrations!

Looking for more engagement resources? Click here!

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Why Should I Consider Counseling?

Are you considering counseling? The Counseling Problem:

I don’t want people to know that I’m getting counseling! We can work this out ourselves! Counseling might do some good for other people, but I don’t need it.

Counseling is one of those things that sadly often gets stigmatized or viewed as good for other people. If you are brave enough to bring it up, you’ll see it is helping many of your friends work through issues in their relationships and their lives. Don’t write off counseling as a tool.

Have you ever had a friend who shared a problem with you and you were able to see the solution so clearly, you passed on some awesome advice? Problem solved!

But, when it comes to your life and your problems, that clarity is all out the window and you have no clue what to do.

Why is it sometimes so easy to see other people’s problems clearly, but our own problems feel so much more complicated? The difference between your friend’s problem and yours is that it’s difficult to see our own situations objectively (or from a third person perspective). We have all kinds of blind spots, biases, and really only have one perspective – ours.

The Counseling Solution

Our own inability to see our problems clearly is why counseling can be so helpful. There are several BIG benefits to seeking counseling or therapy, either individually or as a couple.

Benefits of Meeting with a Counselor:

  1. They help us see those things that are in our blind spots. This is often the biggest hurdle – admitting that we don’t see it all and know it all about ourselves.
  2. The counselor can help us talk about things that are difficult to talk about. They can be a safe person to talk to. They can function as a mediator and ensure that a conversation doesn’t become a confrontation.
  3. Some problems we wrestle with are flat-out complicated – they might involve chemicals in our brains or generations of our family history. We might not have the tools to tackle those issues.

Hopefully, you have some good friends that can help you can talk through problems, but don’t forget, sometimes you need to consider counseling. And, that’s totally ok.

Looking for relationship resources? Click here!

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DAD HACKS: For When Mom Is Having A Girl’s Night Out

These three things are what memories are made of.

Your bride gives you the news: This Friday night I’m having a girl’s night out, so you’re on dad duty. Good luck! Great. Now what?!?

First of all, CHILL! This is your chance to be the hero, to show the full potential of your dad skills, and to give both your kids and your partner a memorable night.

Here are three dad-hacks for when Mom’s at girl’s night out and Dad’s in charge:

1. Make memories!

Dads have a unique way of giving their children memories that will stay with them well into adulthood. I still remember the fun I had playing laser tag in the house with my dad one evening with all the lights off – something I’m sure Mom wouldn’t be caught dead in the middle of.

Give your kids an experience that’s not part of their typical routine.

  • Have a Nerf gun war.
  • Heat up some pizza rolls, turn the lights out and watch a (kid-appropriate) scary movie (the Goosebumps movies are a favorite in my house).
  • Go for a night walk around the neighborhood. Or better yet, if there are woods nearby, take a night hike.
  • Roast hot dogs or marshmallows in the backyard. (Marshmallows over the stove are good if there’s no backyard.)
  • Have a talent show.
  • Let your kiddos dress you up and have a fashion show.
  • Set up a WWE wrestling ring in the living room with couch pillows and… well, you know the rest.

This is your chance to be the dad-hero to your kids for turning what could be a boring night (without Mom) into an amazing memory!

2. …But, don’t step outside what you and your partner value as parents.

What I mean here is, don’t violate the boundaries of what you’ve established together as important to your family just because Mom is gone. If weekend bedtimes are important because there’s an early morning soccer game, be sure to wrap up the fashion show or wrestling match on time. If you don’t normally allow scary movies in the house, opt for a Disney movie – or even better, one that you grew up with – which the kids haven’t seen (think Old Yeller, Labyrinth, The Princess Bride, Hook, etc.,).

The idea is to avoid compromising what you’ve both decided is important to your family just because Mom is not there to say no. It may make Dad look like the hero, but if it makes Mom out to be the bad guy (now or later), it’s not worth the risk. Trust me on this one.

3. Celebrate Mom coming home.

Making memories with Dad while Mom is away can potentially dishonor Mom.

Think about it: Mom finally gets a night out with the girls to unwind, comes home and finds half-eaten pizza rolls on the coffee table, couch cushions scattered on the floor and Nerf darts in every corner and cranny of the room – not to mention it’s midnight and the kids are still up watching Interview With a Vampire while Dad is asleep on the couch. So much for unwinding.

Instead, teach your children how to honor Mom while she’s away. Try to clean the house better than before she left. Print out pictures of your fashion show (yes, even the one of you with your new hair-do) and have the kids put them in cards they make for Mom telling her how special she is. Have the kids pick some flowers on your night hike to give to Mom when she comes come. Just one simple gesture like that can let Mom know you missed her while she was out.

If Mom comes home early before your festivities are over, prep the kids to greet her with hugs and kisses at the door. And if she’s up to it, bring her into the mix – invite her to watch the rest of the movie on the couch, fix her a s’more, or have her be the guest of honor at a special encore presentation of the talent show.

And then let her relax and go to bed while you and the kids clean up!

Allowing your partner to relax and unwind at home after she’s gone out with friends makes you a hero to the kids, AND to her, too!

Looking for more parenting resources? Click here!

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Held Hostage by Anger: 6 Steps to STOP an Argument

There’s nothing worse than getting into the same argument, again and again and again. Amirite? The sheer repetition is enough to drive one MAD. And sadly, that tends to happen quite a bit in marriage. When we get really upset, we can go from zero to 60 in two seconds flat. We don’t want to fight. We don’t want to be angry. But WE ARE LIVID. And ya know what? We have every right to be! But.

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