7 Things You Need to Know Before The Wedding
Being engaged is a season of anticipation! You feel all kinds of excitement, right? You can’t wait! Before the wedding arrives, that and the honeymoon are all you can think about! (Plus, you can’t wait for all those wedding questions to stop!)
Read moreWhat to Do When You Don’t Really Like Your In-Laws
In-laws are like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get. They might blow through boundaries. Your in-laws might meddle in your marriage. You might even be having a hard time living with your in-laws. Possibly, they’re totally toxic. This isn’t about any of those things.
Sometimes, your in-laws are just difficult to get along with. But you want to try to have a good relationship with them.
After a few years of marriage (or less), you soon realize saying “yes” to forever with your spouse really did mean saying “yes” to forever with their family, as well as uncomfortable holidays and long weekends filled with awkward situations and tension for as long as you both shall live.
You want to like your in-laws. You’ve tried to like them. But you don’t.
SO, WHAT DO YOU DO? HOW DO YOU GET ALONG WITH PEOPLE YOU DON’T REALLY LIKE?
First of all, did you notice I said “get along with” and not “like?”
The truth is, you may never like your in-laws. And that’s totally fine. You don’t have to. It’s just important to keep the drama and the tension to a minimum as much as you can for the sake of your spouse and your children (if you have them). Even though you formed a new family when you were married, your in-laws are the reason you have your spouse and a new family to begin with. If nothing else, try to respect them for giving you your spouse.
Secondly, be as empathetic as possible.
Maybe your mother-in-law is mega passive-aggressive and a little odd, and your father-in-law is just kind of a jerk all the time. TRY (keyword here) to look past their glaring flaws and put yourself in their shoes. For instance, your mother-in-law may be passive-aggressive because she really just wants to spend more time with you but doesn’t know how to say it. Maybe she’s even a little intimidated by you. (Note: If you’re the daughter-in-law, this is NOT uncommon… I mean, you did take her place as the prioritized woman in her son’s life. Forever.)
And, maybe your father-in-law is a little unhappy with himself or unfulfilled in his life. Maybe they’re both a little off because their marriage and relationships aren’t as healthy as they used to be and they have some resentment and anger to work through. Being empathetic doesn’t mean you excuse their behavior. It just means you take a different approach to understand their motives and actions.1
Third, tell your spouse about your uneasy feelings, but remember you’re talking about their parents.
Be vulnerable and open with your spouse every chance you get. But, when it comes to talking about their parents, keep in mind that there’s a fine line between stating your feelings and being critical of their family. It’s okay to say, “I felt sad when I heard your dad talk to your mom in that tone of voice.” It’s not okay to say, “Your dad is a total jerkface. I can’t believe your mom has stayed with him this long.”
Be sensitive. The truth is, your spouse more than likely already knows there are some odd bits about their parents. They did live with them during their most formative years.
Fourth, set those boundaries with a smile.
You and your spouse want to start a new tradition around the holidays, but your in-laws insist that you come to visit them. Kindly and firmly say, “No.” If you want your in-laws to call before dropping by, tell them! Maybe you would prefer that your father-in-law not watch certain shows around your children. Let. Him. Know. Setting boundaries keeps things nice and tidy and leaves the guesswork off the table.2
ALSO, and this is very important, each spouse should set boundaries with their own family. So, you talk to your family, and your spouse talks to their family. It’s much easier for a parent to have a potentially dicey conversation with their child than with their in-law.
IF your in-laws don’t like one of your boundaries, and they throw a big fit, let them. You do you and what’s best for your family. If they get so mad that they never want to see you or speak to you again, then that boundary worked out more in your favor than you ever imagined it could. (Jk. Jk.) But, seriously. You can’t change or control their reaction. If they act immaturely about it, it’s not your fault. That’s their issue.
Fifth, different doesn’t mean wrong.
Everyone’s family has a certain way of doing things. It’s totally natural and normal for your in-laws to do things differently than what you’re used to, but it doesn’t mean they’re wrong. And it also doesn’t mean you’re wrong. It just means you’re different. For example, you grew up having a big feast on Thanksgiving. Your mom made awesome cinnamon rolls and a giant fruit tray, and your dad made the best omelets you’ve ever tasted. But, your in-laws go to McDonald’s and grab Egg McMuffins. It may seem weird to you, and not as fun or exciting, but it doesn’t mean they’re wrong. It’s just their way of doing things. Accept them for who they are and try not to look down on them for not living up to your standards or expectations.
Last but not least, texts go both ways.
Pursue your in-laws. That’s right. You heard me. Be friendly to them. Make an effort. They’re your family, too. Sending a text every now and again to check in won’t hurt you, and you know it’ll make them feel loved (even if you don’t like them). Send them cards on their birthdays. Invite them to big celebrations in your life. Let them learn more about you and your life. Who knows? You may just influence them to be a little more likable.
Marriage is hard and family is complicated. Both take a lot of work, but the reward of deep, meaningful connection is so worth it in the end. While you may never reach a level of relational bliss with your in-laws, these six guidelines should keep the drama to a minimum and maintain peace in your marriage.
SOURCES
1Limary. (2002). The mother -in -law /daughter -in -law dyad: Narratives of relational development among in -laws. ProQuest Dissertations Publishing.
2Peterson, E. & Solomon, D. (1998). Maintaining healthy boundaries in professional relationships: a balancing act. PMID: 10030211
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
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Think hearing loss really doesn’t have an impact on your relationships? You might want to think again.
Lorina knew that she had some hearing loss, but didn’t really think it was that big a deal.
“I knew over the years my hearing loss had increased, but it wasn’t until my friend pointed out to me that I was constantly saying, ‘What?’ and ‘Huh?’ and strongly encouraged me to get my hearing tested that I thought it might really be a thing,” says Lorina, who had moderate hearing loss on one side and severe loss on the other side.
“When I was fitted with a hearing aid, I was amazed!” Lorina says. “I could not believe the difference in the clarity of people’s words and the sounds I was able to hear that I had no idea I was missing. It even impacted my relationship with my husband.”
“We hear stories like Lorina’s all the time at the Speech and Hearing Center,” says Erica Newman, president and CEO. “In fact, just the other day, I was reading a study about the impact of hearing loss on marriage.”
Couples in the study used words like “embarrassment” and “frustration” most frequently to describe how hearing loss impacted their relationships. One spouse would say, “I’m listening, but I can’t hear you.” The other spouse would say, “I can hear you, but I can’t understand you.”
“The number one thing the study found that changed in marriages where someone experienced hearing loss was spontaneity,” Newman says.
“The spouse with the hearing loss felt embarrassed when they had to ask people to repeat themselves because they associated it with being slow-witted and disturbing to the flow of normal conversation, so they just didn’t say anything. They found themselves wondering, ‘If I have to repeat myself three times, is it worth saying?’ Little side comments, a spontaneous exchange or funny off-the-cuff conversations stopped happening. This impacts closeness in the relationship and undermines confidence, intimacy, sharing and playfulness. It also impacts shared activities such as watching television together.”
A 2009 British study found that out of 1500 people surveyed with hearing loss:
- 44% reported that their hearing loss caused relationships with important people in their lives to suffer.
- 34% reported the breakdown in communication brought about the loss of relationships, including marriage.
“Often when I am at a health fair, a spouse will walk up to me and point out their spouse, saying, ‘He/she needs to come see you, but I can’t get them to make an appointment,’” Newman says. “My response to them and to everybody is, we all need to have our hearing checked at age 50 so people have a baseline to work from.”
When Lorina finally did get hearing aids, she said it rocked her world.
“I have spent most of my life having people only on my left side because that was my good ear,” Lorina says. “Now I can have people on either side of me. We have also turned the television way down. I had no idea we had the volume cranked up so high. One of the funniest things that happened after getting my hearing aids was when I had my son in the car with me and I noticed a rattle in the back of my car. When I said something about it, he said, ‘Mom, it’s been there for forever!’”
Newman says that while getting your hearing checked can be scary, most of her patients who get hearing aids wish they had done it sooner. She believes their quality of life improves and their relationship with their loved ones is better as well.
Communication is key in building and maintaining relationships. Anything that hinders it can create loss of connectedness and intimacy. Hearing loss is often easy to deal with and improve with a little effort. Sometimes it takes the help of others who can see or hear things you cannot. Don’t let fear or stubbornness put a damper on your relationships. It may cause you to miss out on what is going on around you.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
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Cheating is the ultimate violation of marital trust. It can destroy families and ruin lives. The bottom line is that if you are even wondering about your spouse’s faithfulness, at minimum, there is some important relationship work to be done!
In general, is there a lot of cheating going on? Is there a “cheating type?” Despite numerous studies, there isn’t a dependable predictor of infidelity. It is also very difficult to find reliable statistics related to just how much cheating is going on for two main reasons: (1.) Cheating is by definition very secretive and most surveys rely on self-reporting; and more importantly, (2.) People define “cheating” in a variety of ways. So, let’s begin by asking what you mean by “cheating?”
- You are uncomfortable with how close your spouse is with a friend or co-worker.
- You believe your spouse is involved in an “emotional affair.” They are getting their emotional needs met by someone other than you.
- Cyber Cheating – Inappropriate, often sexual, texts, pictures, and videos being exchanged electronically with someone.
- Social Media Cheating – They are connecting with exes and others on social media and sharing things that should only be shared with you.
- Full-blown secretive sexual relationships.
If you suspect your spouse is cheating on you, here are a few things to think through:
- Sometimes a spouse IS NOT cheating and the issue is our own insecurities. This requires some introspection and a healthy conversation, not a bold accusation. (Be careful with click-bait nonsense on the internet. “Is he hitting the gym and dressing nicer? THEN HE MUST BE CHEATING!” Um, not necessarily.)
- Is it possible that you have never discussed healthy boundaries in your marriage? (For example, have you and your spouse talked about being friends with exes on social media and what is appropriate to share? They may have no clue that you consider that cheating.)
- There is so much misinformation out there about infidelity. Be careful. Having said that, and this might seem contradictory, sometimes, you just know.
- If you are convinced you are with a cheater, DO NOT confront them immediately and DO NOT confront them without rock-solid evidence. (At best, accusations will just be met with denial and arguing. At worst, you will have just taught them to cover their tracks better.)
- If at all possible, and I can’t stress this enough, KNOW the correct answers to questions BEFORE you ask them. This is not a “trick” or a “trap.” This is gauging their level of honesty. You might find out that they are willing to be completely honest with you. That’s a good sign! Along those same lines, your spouse DOES NOT need to know everything that you know at this point.
Here Are Some Practical Tips On How To Deal
Keep track of everything and begin gathering information immediately.
- Phones, laptops, iPads. (There almost always is an electronic trail left by an affair. Smartphones are the best way for cheaters to cheat but also the best way for cheaters to be caught. Cheaters are often very possessive of their phones, but you can begin looking closely at your phone records (Use your phone carrier app.) which are often very detailed. Is there a number that you don’t recognize that appears a lot or at strange times? Note that. Do you see data [photos/videos/social media] exchanged frequently and at odd times? Note that. Did they text/call to change plans with you or tell you they had to work late? Note time and date. What is the next number that they text/call?
- Begin being very aware of time and money. Affairs have to take place somewhere, sometime and they have to be paid for. Has there been a change in how s/he spends their time? Their money? Your bank records are your best friend here. Compare them with where s/he says they are and what they say they are doing. Have there suddenly been a lot of late meetings at work? Does your spouse suddenly have to travel a lot more? Check the bank records! Have they suddenly taken up a new hobby that keeps them out for hours? (REMEMBER: This could be the truth and it could confirm that there isn’t anything going on!)
- Sometimes you need to bring in the Big Guns. Cheating is a big problem, but catching cheaters is a big business. Just Google it. You have tons of resources at your disposal! Options range from reverse phone number lookups to programs and apps that monitor and report a variety of digital activities. Some of these options obviously raise privacy issues and you need to check the laws in your state. But, yeah, you have options and you don’t have to be super tech-savvy to use them.
Again, be careful with drawing conclusions based on the internet articles you find!
I recently saw a “Top 10 Signs Your Spouse Is Cheating!” list online that contained this gem: “Significantly less, or more, or different sex in your relationship.” Less, more or different? Um, okay. Well, that can mean a lot of things!
Let’s say that you’ve absolutely confirmed the affair. I am truly sorry. Please take care of yourself. Look up Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder. It’s real.
So, what does this mean for your marriage?
- Is the cheating spouse willing to apologize, seek forgiveness, and completely break off the relationship? (I have heard of cheating spouses that quit jobs to distance themselves from a co-worker they were involved with. What a bold gesture to rebuild trust!)
- What was the nature of the infidelity? (Strictly emotional, a “one-night stand,” or a two-year illicit relationship? Each can present very different challenges, BUT marriages can and do survive ALL types of infidelity.)
- What is the general health of the marriage? How long have you been married? Do you have children?
- How do each of you individually and both of you as a couple choose to deal with and heal from this? That’s right, choose. Are you BOTH* willing to be honest about your marital relationship? BOTH willing to make changes and set healthy boundaries? Are BOTH willing to get professional help? BOTH willing to be patient and allow the time and do the work for healing to take place? Do you BOTH have accountability partners and a support system? All of this is critical.
*Maybe you don’t like my use of the word “both” here, after all, it is your spouse having the affair, not you. I understand, but please don’t play the Insurance Adjuster Blame Game. It isn’t about finding whether the marital fault is 60/40, 80/20, 90/10 or whatever. (And it rarely, if ever, is 100/0.) If you want your marriage to grow through this unbelievably tough time, BOTH of you have changes to make and work to do! But you can do it!
There is hope! Check this out, there is a large body of research that indicates that it is usually NOT the actual infidelity that destroys the marriage; it is how each spouse responds to the infidelity that determines if the marriage will survive and even thrive!
If you don’t want to hear this now, I get it, but I have heard so many couples report that infidelity actually saved their marriage, yes saved it by forcing them to realize that they had to make significant personal changes and relate to each other in healthier ways. You absolutely deserve honesty and faithfulness! Do not settle for less. But please realize that broken bones, when healed, are twice as strong.
For more resources, see our Married Couples page here.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
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In July 2019, the 2019 State of our Unions: iFidelity: Interactive Technology and Relationship Faithfulness report revealed some interesting findings. These findings were about marital health and relationship attitudes/behaviors, both online and in real life, in America. The study dives deep into the impact of technology on faithfulness.
According to the report, the internet has impacted our personal and professional lives. It shows our definitions of romantic and sexual loyalty and commitment are changing. While most Americans still clearly oppose sexual unfaithfulness in marriage, younger adults are significantly more likely to engage in internet infidelity than older generations.
Researchers believe the weakening of marital and relationship boundaries matters. The data in this report shows a generational divide in both behaviors and attitudes, with younger generations having weaker boundaries. Younger Americans are more likely to be unfaithful online. It’s clear that relationship outcomes are markedly worse when iFidelity becomes i-Infidelity.
The report offers three key findings across all age groups.
First, a majority of Americans in all generations express support for sexual fidelity in their relationships. They also report they are sexually faithful in real life. However, today’s young adults are more likely to cross online boundaries related to sex and romance.
Additionally, many online behaviors are rated by most Americans (70% or more) as “unfaithful” or “cheating.” This would include having a secret emotional relationship or sexting with someone other than a partner/spouse without the partner’s/spouse’s knowledge and consent.
The third finding can have a major impact on relationships if couples were to set and enforce online boundaries. Married and cohabiting couples who maintain strong online boundaries are more likely to be happy in their relationships. Currently married or cohabiting couples who blur those boundaries are significantly less happy. They are also less committed and more likely to break up. On the other hand, couples who take a more careful stance online are happier, more committed and less likely to separate.
Here are some of the numbers:
- 18% of millennial participants engaged in sexual talk online with someone besides their partner; only 3% of Greatest/Silent Generation participants (ages 75 and older), 6% of baby boomers and 16% of Gen Xers did so.
- Only 18% of millennials deemed electronic behaviors that blur romantic and sexual lines with others inappropriate, compared to 26% of baby boomers.
- Married and cohabiting people who went without following a former girlfriend/boyfriend online had a 62% likelihood of reporting that they considered themselves “very happy” in their relationship, while 46% of those who followed an old flame reported being very happy.
- Married and cohabiting Americans who break three or more romantic or sexual boundaries online are 26 percentage points less likely to deem themselves “very happy” in their real life relationship, compared to those who push none of those boundaries.
The General Social Survey, a key source for the report, regularly gauges American attitudes. It has asked the same questions regarding marital fidelity from 1998 to 2018.
For example, “What about a married person having sexual relations with someone other than his or her husband or wife, is it …?” The percentage of people responding, “Always wrong” dropped 8 points over a 20-year span to 75%. This indicates an increase in more permissive attitudes. But statistical tests confirm that an attitudinal shift of 8 percentage points in the last 10 years is not likely due to chance.
According to this report, young adults who grew up in the age of the internet prove least committed to iFidelity. It also shows that crossing emotional and sexual boundaries results in lower quality relationships. iFidelity, then, suggests that our online conduct is linked to the health of our real life relationships. Is your technology use impacting your faithfulness?
Controlling your emotions is hard, regardless of your age. When you’re in the checkout line at the store and a 2-year-old has a meltdown because they can’t have a candy bar, nobody is shocked because well, they are two. It’s totally another story when an adult who is unable to regulate their emotions has a public meltdown.
Unfortunately, a rising number of teens and adults seem to be struggling with emotional and impulse control, and the results are often disastrous. Think road rage, someone cutting in line or even publicly expressing a different opinion in a rude manner.
The Child Mind Institute defines self-regulation as the ability to manage emotions and behavior in accordance with situational demands. Consider it a skill set that enables children, as they mature. It directs their own behavior toward a goal, despite the unpredictability of the world and their own feelings.
It includes:
- Being able to resist highly-emotional reactions to upsetting stimuli,
- Calming yourself down if you get upset,
- Adjusting to a change in expectations, and
- Handling frustration without an outburst.
Children who don’t learn this skill struggle to self-regulate as they get older. And, if you’ve ever experienced this out-of-control feeling, you know it’s not a good thing. Often controlling your emotions feels the same. There is good news, though. If you didn’t learn this skill as a child, it is still possible to learn it as an adult.
Your emotional brain processes information in two milliseconds. Keeping yourself under control during a frustrating experience involves being able to pause between the feeling and your response.
There is a trigger; someone pushes your buttons (we all have an easy button). An instant reaction follows, accompanied by a strong emotion, often followed by a feeling of remorse. This is the body’s automatic built-in protection system, AKA “fight, flight or freeze.”
Your rational brain, which helps you make sound decisions, processes information in 500 milliseconds, 250 times longer than your emotional brain. People have to learn how to assess situations quickly, but if they don’t pause long enough to discern what is actually happening, their emotional brain can take control before their rational brain has a chance to kick into gear.
If you or someone you know struggles with self-regulation, it’s not too late! You just have to be intentional about choosing to behave differently.
Think about what you can control and what you cannot. You cannot control how other people behave, but you can choose how you will respond or engage with them. Sometimes, the best response is to do nothing.
Learn how to master your feelings, versus letting them master you will serve you well. For example, when someone cuts you off when you’re driving, you suddenly feel your heart rate go up, adrenaline starts flowing, and your first instinct is to go after them. However, if you practice emotional regulation, you can take a breath, even acknowledge that that makes you angry, but then let it go because the consequences of your actions could bring harm to you, that driver and others who never involved themselves.
This should not be interpreted as people not being able to stand up for themselves or being silenced. Instead, learning how to master controlling your emotions can help people develop calm and constructive ways to have their voice heard. When people are out of control, it’s highly unlikely that anything positive will come from the situation.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Looking for relationship resources? Click here!
If you are 50 or older and have been married for 30 years or more, the latest headlines about gray divorce might have you wondering if your marriage is in trouble and you don’t even know it.
Articles from Pew Research Center, the Wall Street Journal and other publications with titles like, Led by Baby Boomers, Divorce Rates Climb for America’s 50+ Population, and The Divorce Rate is at a 40-Year-Low, Unless You’re 55 or Older, seem to be painting a grim picture.
Should people start worrying?
Professors Naomi Cahn at the George Washington University Law School and June Carbone at the University of Minnesota Law School, looked at the latest research on this topic. They say the divorce rate is still not all that high for those over the age of 50.
In 1990, five out of every 1,000 married people divorced. In 2010, 10 out of every 1,000 married people divorced. Although the rate has risen more dramatically for those over the age of 50, Cahn and Carbone say it is still half the rate of those younger than 50.
One might think older couples divorce because children finally leave the nest, or because people live longer and just get bored in marriage. That doesn’t appear to be the case, however.
According to research from the National Center for Family and Marriage at Bowling Green State University:
- Couples who own property together and couples with over $250,000 in assets were less likely to divorce.
- Couples married 40 years or more were the least likely to end up divorced.
- Gray divorce was almost three times higher for remarried couples compared to first-time married couples.
While property, wealth and the absence of previous marriage may be protective factors, couples can do other things to help their marriage last.
- Friendship matters. No matter how many years you have stayed married, continue to grow the friendship between the two of you.
- Be nice. People often are nicer to those on the outside than the ones they say they care about most. Pay attention to how you treat the one you love.
- Seek to navigate the tough times together. A job loss, death of a parent or some other transition can be really hard. Instead of trying to navigate it on your own, talking about what you need during a rough patch can help your spouse know the most helpful ways to offer support.
- Be adventurous. When you’ve been together a long time, it’s easy to find yourselves in a comfortable, yet unfulfilling rut. Look for opportunities to do something out of the ordinary.
- Keep the conversations going. Some people who have stayed married for decades complete each other’s sentences and know what the other needs without having to ask. Plenty of research indicates that long-term, happily-married couples know that part of the “happily-married” secret includes continuing to talk about a variety of topics that interest them.
It is true that more people are throwing in the towel on marriage later in life. And gray divorce is on the rise.
However, those who understand that just because you have traveled the road for a long time doesn’t mean you can put it on cruise control or take your hands off the wheel are much more likely to reach the end of their journey together.
Looking for more marriage resources? Click here!
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
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Is it even possible to fight nice with your spouse?
When my kids were younger and they disagreed (or worse) I would tell them, “Boys, fight nice!”
This always got concerned looks from any other parents hanging around. “Shouldn’t you be telling them not to fight?”
“Nope,” I would stand my ground. “I want them to learn how to fight constructively, how to fight fair, to learn how to compromise and work it out themselves. To fight nice.”
Do you and your spouse fight nice?
You are both individuals with different personalities, opinions, likes and dislikes, and needs. Disagreements should be expected and viewed as natural and healthy. There may be some things that you never agree on, and that’s OK. It’s good to ask, “Is this really a problem to be solved, or a tension to be managed throughout our marriage?” That question can be a helpful fight-stopper.
So how do the two of you as a couple currently navigate those inevitable disagreements? Maybe you guys get loud and animated. OK, some people are just loud and animated. That can be completely different than being intimidating, mean, spiteful and hurtful. That’s definitely NOT fighting nice. (Sometimes talking about how your parents handled disagreements when you were growing up can be illuminating to how you yourself – and your spouse – currently handle a disagreement.)
To The People Who Claim They Never Fight With Their Spouse
Was your wedding like, yesterday? (I’m still skeptical…)
You never fight? Really? Never? Maybe you are hung up on the word “fight.” Do you ever argue? Disagree passionately? Discuss heatedly? OK. Interesting.
Well, let me ask you this: Do you make decisions jointly? Do you ever discuss money or sex or parenting? Do both of you have power and a voice in the relationship?
Often, when couples say they never fight, it isn’t because they are both just super-ultra-mega nice or they have the “perfect” marriage. Usually, the dynamics of those relationships involve one person who dominates all the decision-making and one person that just bottles everything up and goes along. One spouse has the power, has the voice in the relationship, and the other spouse has neither. That’s not a healthy relationship. Learn to fight nice. It can actually strengthen your marriage.
Here’s another great question to ask yourselves: “Is it the two of us against the problem, or the two of us against each other?” This question alone can change the trajectory of each issue, and ultimately, your marriage!
Even if you do answer these questions openly and honestly with yourself and your spouse, conflict will always be there. Fights will still happen. So what do you do when they come? Here are 10 rules you and your spouse can follow so that you can fight nice:
10 Rules For Fighting Nice
- Keep it about the problem, not the person.
- Don’t use words like “never” or “always.” It’s never true.
- Don’t intimidate, manipulate, or threaten your spouse.
- It should NEVER get physical. That’s domestic violence.
- Winning the argument isn’t worth losing your spouse.
- Don’t bring up past, settled issues or re-open healed wounds.
- Make sure BOTH of you have space to express yourself and feel heard.
- Compromise. You both should feel like you gave a little and got a little.
- Apologize and forgive. (Maybe some of the fighting wasn’t so nice.)
- End by reaffirming your love for each other. When the fight finishes, consider it done.
Remember – disagreements, debates, arguments, heated discussions, even good ol’ fashioned fights are part of every marriage.
It might seem impossible in the heat of the moment, but they can be an opportunity to grow closer together and don’t have to drive you apart. The key is how you handle them. Sometime when both of you are calm cool and collected, have a conversation and agree to some rules for fightin’ nice.
Looking for more marriage resources? Click here!
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
