How to Keep Your Marriage Strong Over Summer Break
School’s out, and my kids are excited about a fun-filled summer. Mom and Dad… not as much. Don’t get me wrong; I love summertime. But summer schedules can be hectic when you’re juggling different camps, vacations, and activities. Sure, the school year is crazy busy, but at least it’s consistent. Summer schedules are a little more challenging. Are any other parents feeling the crunch?
Summertime can add more stress to your marriage as well. Focusing on our relationship can get lost in the frenzy if we aren’t careful. But it doesn’t have to be that way. You can keep your marriage strong over the summer, too.
Here are a few ways to get you started:
Date each other.
A regular date night is crucial to the health of your relationship. It can be so easy to fall into a routine in your relationship, especially when kids are in the picture. This is where date night comes in. Dating your mate takes a little more coordination if you have young children. If you don’t currently have a regular date night, now’s the time to start. Create a shared calendar on your phone (if you don’t already use one) and schedule one date night this month. Then flip to next month and plan another one. Keep it going. I mean it! Stop reading right now, and get those summer date nights on the calendar. I’ll wait…
Okay, now that you have dates scheduled… they are scheduled, right? Here are a few more ways to keep your marriage strong.
Make time for intimacy.
Before you put the calendars away, go ahead and schedule some time to get intimate. Wait a minute! Isn’t sex supposed to be spontaneous? Sure, but if you have little kids, you know the reality. Spontaneity is hard to come by. If you’re not intentional, it’s easy to let your sex life fall into the background. But your marriage needs sexual and physical intimacy. And what gets put on the calendar often gets done, am I right? So, decide how often and when and schedule it. Just to clarify, this is a conversation for the two of you. And don’t worry, just ’cause it’s scheduled doesn’t make it boring. [Read 3 Ways to Have Better Sex in Marriage.]
Share a hobby or activity.
Identify at least one common hobby or activity and make time to do that together. You may need to break out the calendar and schedule it depending on the activity. But there may be hobbies you can do at home while the kids play. This doesn’t have to be a family activity, but it can be if you both agree that you’ll enjoy it just as much.
Daily check-ins.
As you’re going in different directions, getting the kids places, and working, it can be easy to spend less time talking as a couple. Carve out some time each day to check in with each other. Maybe it’s over coffee in the morning. Perhaps it’s 30 minutes outside together at the end of each workday.
When you check in on each other, give your spouse space to vent. If one of you is working from home while the kids are out of school, you may need an avenue to let go of stress. Give each other space to share what’s going on.
Show appreciation daily.
Nothing says love like appreciation, so don’t forget to show your appreciation to the one you share a life and home with. Here are some easy ways to show how much you appreciate your spouse:
- Send a text telling them how much they mean to you. (Bonus points if you’re specific about why you appreciate them.)
- Leave Post-it notes for them. If they leave for work, leave them in their bag or lunch. If your spouse stays home, hide notes somewhere they will find them throughout the day.
- Say it out loud and often. And say it in front of others, especially your kids.
- Give them a break (or at least a few hours) to do whatever they enjoy most.
Invest in your marriage.
Take an online course together. There are loads of resources to help strengthen your marriage during the summer or any other season. You can focus on intimacy, communication, parenting, or other topics. Investing in your marriage now strengthens it for the future.
Speak your spouse’s love language.
If the two of you have never taken Gary Chapman’s Love Languages assessment, now is the time. We all have a primary love language, and when someone speaks it to us, we feel loved and appreciated. We also usually express love using our primary language, so learning your spouse’s love language is crucial to helping them feel loved.
Hold hands.
An easy way to keep your marriage strong is to simply hold hands. Holding hands releases endorphins, a mood-boosting chemical. It also releases oxytocin, making you feel more bonded to your spouse. And it’s a stress reliever, too.
Make this summer a great one for your marriage. Not because of a big trip, but because you both chose to be intentional and turn toward each other.
Other blogs:
The Importance of MeaningLESS Conversations – First Things First
How to Talk About Sex in Marriage – First Things First
8 Ways To Care for Your Spouse’s Mental Health – First Things First
Sources:
Brain-to-brain coupling during handholding is associated with pain reduction
Walsh, C. M., Neff, L. A., & Gleason, M. (2017). The role of emotional capital during the early years of marriage: Why everyday moments matter. Journal of family psychology: Journal of the Division of Family Psychology of the American Psychological Association (Division 43), 31(4), 513–519. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000277
Goldstein, P., Weissman-Fogel, I., Dumas, G., & Shamay-Tsoory, S. G. (2018). Brain-to-brain coupling during handholding is associated with pain reduction. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 115 (11), E2528-E2537. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1703643115
What To Do When Your Spouse Lacks Empathy
You want your spouse to be fully present with you in your feelings, thoughts and situations in life. But what happens when they don’t show empathy? You probably feel alone, unimportant and misunderstood. You’ve opened up, but your spouse seems unable or uninterested in responding in an empathetic way. So, what do you do when your spouse lacks empathy?
First, my heart goes out to anyone married to a spouse who indeed lacks empathy. This is a hard road.
Let’s begin by establishing what we mean by the word empathy. According to Harvard psychologist Susan David, “Learning to label emotions with a more nuanced vocabulary can be absolutely transformative.”
The term empathy has evolved and has recently exploded in popularity.
That’s great, but it can be confusing if it’s not clearly defined. In Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience, researcher Brené Brown describes two types of empathy:
- Cognitive Empathy is sometimes called perspective-taking or mentalizing. It’s the ability to recognize and understand another’s emotions. “Your best friend told a bunch of people something you confided in them! It’s completely understandable to feel betrayed. I get you.”
- Affective Empathy is often called experience-sharing. It is one person’s emotional attunement with another’s experience. “Your best friend told a bunch of people something you confided in them! I feel that sting of betrayal. I feel you.”
Your spouse is the one person you hope will get you and feel you. Why? So they can be there for you. (In whatever way you need them to be.)
Simple phrases like, I get you, I feel you, and I’m here for you, are gestures toward empathy. When they’re sincere, they mean I. Am. With. You. You are not alone. But empathy doesn’t stop there. Empathy isn’t complete without action.
Empathy should lead your spouse to put self aside, be present in your story and absorb it. They understand, believe and validate it and you… they don’t judge, criticize or dismiss it and you. (And they definitely don’t make it about them.) Empathy is the catalyst to respond with appropriate, compassionate actions.
How to Respond vs. React
Telling your spouse they’re not empathetic is probably not gonna help. It’s more of a label when you actually need their labor. You need them to do the relationship work to get outside of themself and be considerate of you.
You may be able to help your spouse who lacks empathy by fine-tuning your communication. Be clear and direct about what you need. Invite them into your story. Frame the conversation by saying things like, “At the moment, I’m not looking for you to judge me, give me advice, or share your opinion. I need to feel heard and understood.”
Pause. Reframe. Rephrase. “I need you to be present with me.”
Begin your statements (like the ones below) with “I need you to…”
- Understand how I feel and care about my feelings.
- Listen to what I’m thinking and consider my thoughts.
- Hear me and care. I need to know I have your full attention.
- Support me and be my partner in this situation.
- Understand this part of me I’m trying to share with you.
- Understand how important this is to me.
Empathetic conversations can lead to tangible, actionable things for a caring spouse. You can set measurable goals around these statements. Often, we can address a lack of empathy with better communication. There is help and hope to improve communication so you feel heard and understood.
But what if this doesn’t snap my spouse out of themself and into being present with me?
Why isn’t your spouse empathetic even when you ask them to try to empathize with you? There can be a variety of reasons. We don’t fully understand why some people are more empathetic than others or why some people have little to no empathy. But there are indications that a person can learn to be more empathetic.
Here are a few things you can do:
1. Model empathy for your spouse.
Make empathetic statements “out loud” and do empathy work “out in the open” where your spouse can see it. For example:
- Help me understand how it felt to get that raise at work…
- Sarah, how did it feel when Hunter wouldn’t share his toys?
- Imagine what it must be like to lose everything as those people on the news did.
- Amanda, I’m not going to offer unsolicited advice. I just want to sit with you as you go through this difficult time. You tell me what you need.
2. Practice talking about emotions with your spouse.
Try books, games, apps, and websites with “get to know you” questions and conversation starters. This can be a helpful practice for discussing your interior lives. Make it a “Judgment-Free Zone” and a safe sharing space.
3. When your spouse does express empathy, acknowledge it and thank them for it.
Hard Relationships. Hard Choices.
Living with a spouse who isn’t empathetic can be draining and demanding. Because your spouse lacks empathy, they might be critical, cruel, or unforgiving. They may react with anger when they feel like you are being “too sensitive.” They could be oblivious to how their behavior affects you, or be unresponsive to your needs.
Unfortunately, this might be your reality. It’s one thing to be patient with the change process and support growth in your spouse. It’s quite another to be hurting all the time and in over your head.
Here are things to consider:
1. It’s not your job to “fix” your spouse.
Several factors can contribute to someone’s inability to empathize. Genetics. Socialization. Childhood trauma. Your spouse may have grown up in a family that suppressed emotions. You can support and encourage your spouse if they’re trying to grow in this area. But this may be an issue they need to work through. You also need to recognize if they’re not trying to grow in this area.
2. Seek professional help.
Diagnosable disorders may play a significant part in why your spouse lacks empathy (Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, or Borderline Personality Disorder, etc.). Know when to bring in the professionals. But remember: Your spouse may not change.
And if abuse is going on, it may not be a safe relationship for you to stay in. Your safety and mental health are important.
**Constant criticism, mocking, and devaluing your thoughts and feelings are forms of emotional abuse, and if your spouse is completely unwilling to get help to change their behavior, that’s not ok. Understand what abuse is in all of its forms. [See below for The Domestic Violence Hotline number.]
3. Find validation from within and from other supportive people in your life.
It can take quite a bit of time for your spouse to hone their empathy skills. It’s a process that will have ups and downs. You can’t allow your self-worth to be tied up in their ability to empathize with you; it should come from within. Practice self-acceptance and self-care, and in the meantime, turn to trusted friends you can share your thoughts and feelings with. And there’s no shame in seeking a counselor for yourself, either.
Life is certainly not easy with a spouse who lacks empathy. You can do several things to improve the situation. But you also need to recognize when those things aren’t working. Many people have successfully maintained their marriage knowing that their spouse may have many positive traits, but being empathetic is not one of them. You can set boundaries with your spouse and still get your need for empathy met in other healthy ways.
At the end of the day, we all want to be heard and understood without judgment. And chances are, you both want your marriage to be a safe space to share your thoughts and feelings. Fine-tune your communication around what empathy looks like in your relationship. Practice talking about feelings. Dig deeper into understanding and believing in each other. Recognize and appreciate any progress toward more empathy – it’s a process that will bring you closer together in the end.
Sources:
*Special thanks to my colleague, Tamara Slocum, for her insights/contributions to this piece.
Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience
8 Steps to Better Communication Today
Empathy Definition | What Is Empathy
The Surprising History of Empathy | Psychology Today
The Secret to a Happy Relationship Is Empathy | Psychology Today
What to Do If You or a Loved One Lack Empathy
Resources:
Why Should I Consider Counseling? – First Things First
How to Find a Counselor Who Will Fight for Your Marriage – First Things First
How to Crack the Code of Men’s Feelings | Psychology Today
Keys to Effective Communication in Marriage – First Things First
Why Some People Have a Lack of Empathy (And How to Deal with Them) – Lifehack
**Domestic Violence Hotline
Do you feel safe? For a free, confidential, and clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here, or contact the Domestic Violence Hotline, 24/7, at 1−800−799−7233.
I’m Unhappy In My Marriage. What Can I Do?
I’m sorry to hear that you’re unhappy in your marriage. I don’t need to tell you that an unhappy marriage can lead to stress, depression, anxiety, and insecurity. That hurts. But the fact that you’re here is a sign that you’re looking for help. That means you’re still hopeful. Hold on to that hope.
Now let’s make a plan. (We’re going to look at your Marriage Mindset. It’s how you think about your marriage. There’ll be sources at the end to go deeper, plus a ton of practical help.)
If you Googled “unhappy marriage,” you know that most articles head straight to, “Should I stay or should I leave?” Fortunately, those are not your only options. This is a chance for growth.
Many “unhappy” marriages are actually feeling growing pains. They could potentially hit a growth spurt and go to a whole new level.
I recently heard someone tearfully say, “I want to be able to say I did everything in my power to make this relationship work.” I remember thinking: This person has the power to change the relationship and flip the whole story! (It looks like it’s working, too!)
Nobody knows you, your spouse, and your marriage better than you do. I won’t give you one-size-fits-all answers for your unique marriage. My goal is to walk alongside you and give you some things to think through. Together, we’ll discover actions to make tangible improvements to your marriage. (You may want to have a pen and paper ready.)
(1.) Is your marriage causing you to feel unhappy, or are you unhappy about your life in general?
These aren’t entirely unrelated, but they need different solutions. It’s easy to confuse the two. Settle in and give this some real thought. List issues in two columns on your paper.
(2.) Is this an “unhappy” marriage situation or an “unsafe” situation?
There’s a difference between “unhappy” and “unsafe.” If you feel emotionally, psychologically, or physically unsafe, please IMMEDIATELY seek out the professionals listed at the bottom of the page.*
(3.) Start with a positive mindset. (Before you roll your eyes, stick with me.)
We are what we repeatedly think. Let’s keep things positive and in perspective. Take a few minutes to write down five things each (about your life and in your marriage) that you’re grateful for. (If you can go past five on either list, keep going!) Look at both of those lists and try to immerse yourself in gratitude.
This is where it starts. Your marriage isn’t totally and completely terrible. See the positives for what they represent. The positives are real, concrete, and significant. It’s super easy to focus on the wrongs and overlook what’s right. Your Marriage Mindset can make all the difference.
Time Out For Some Optimistic Realism
Before we go any further, here are some things you need to understand for real, lasting change to happen. You may want to sit with these ideas a bit.
If you don’t believe you can be happy in your marriage, you won’t.
No one can make you feel anything without your permission. This doesn’t mean you’re responsible for your circumstances or your spouse, only that you’re responsible for how you respond to them – in your actions and emotions. We tend to misjudge our own power in these situations. What if you aren’t the Victim in an unhappy marriage? What if you’re the Hero?
If you don’t believe you and your spouse can change, you won’t.
Change in yourself is, by definition, change in your relationship with your spouse. Don’t underestimate that. As you change, you can be a catalyst for change in your spouse. (If you frequently fight, but now you’re aware of your words, it will help if you try to stay calm. It’s a powerful thing when you don’t escalate situations. Boom! Marriage-changer. And maybe a spouse-changer.)
If you don’t believe your marriage can change, it won’t.
Sometimes marriage feels romantic. Sometimes it feels like work. Marriages go through ups and downs and seasons. Make sure what you expect matches the realities of marriage.
Organize your thoughts.
Let’s keep keepin’ it real. You’re in an unhappy marriage. I want you to write down five things you wish were different in your marriage. Take your time. Now, look at your list.
How many things are mainly about your spouse? How many are mainly about you? And how many involve you both? What things can you control, and what things can’t you control? What things can you influence, even if you can’t control them? Which things are due to circumstances?
These aren’t just changes to your thought processes. These are radical perspective changes that can transform your marriage.
Assuming that many of the things on your list weren’t always that way, how have they changed? This should encourage you. Change works both ways.
Time to make a plan.
Take another look at the things you wish were different in your marriage. Where do you want to start? What would have the most immediate impact? More importantly, what can you control? How will you be the change?
Use the Principle of Replacement: Instead of __________, I’m going to __________. Set a reasonable goal(s) and go for it! Watch what happens!
Let’s get your spouse in on this!
Does your spouse know you feel unhappy in your marriage? Do you know how your spouse feels? Don’t be surprised if your spouse isn’t aware of how unhappy you are. Don’t be shocked to find out your spouse is unhappy, too. It’s time to talk.
How to have a productive conversation:
- Take turns talking and listening to each other’s needs and concerns.
- Use “I” statements (I feel, I need, etc.) and be respectful and kind.
- Avoid defensiveness, over-generalizing, trying to be “right” or “to win.”
- Work toward and commit to mutually satisfying compromises.
- You should each have a concrete list of 2-3 things to work on.
- Set a time to talk again to re-evaluate, make adjustments, and celebrate growth.
Be patient and gracious with yourself and your spouse. Lasting change doesn’t happen overnight. Give yourselves a month to work on these things. Be intentional during that month to work on being your best self, spend quality time together, communicate, and have some fun.
➤ Read 30 Tips On How to Have A Happy Marriage & 50 Marriage Tips From Couples Who’ve Lasted 50 Years.
Keep your positive Marriage Mindset. Restructure how you think about a “happy marriage.”
I want you to be able to say you did everything in your power to make this relationship work.
Sources:
Effects of Conflict and Stress on Relationships
Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Relationship
Cognitive Restructuring for Stress Relief: Introduction
How to Survive in An Unhappy Marriage | Psych Central
The Five Stages of Relationship | Free & Connected
Resources:
Six Good Habits to Start for Your Marriage in the New Year – First Things First
5 Keys to Being Thankful in Marriage – First Things First
Is Conflict in Marriage Inevitable? – First Things First
*National Hotline for Domestic Abuse
Are you nervous or afraid to disagree with or displease your spouse? Do you feel safe? For a free, confidential, and clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here, or contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse, 24/7, at 1−800−799−7233.
What To Do When You’ve Lost Romantic Feelings For Your Spouse
You might phrase it differently, but when you’ve lost romantic feelings for your spouse, you’re probably feeling something like:
- That spark’s gone. I feel like I’m just going through the motions.
- I’m not attracted to my spouse like I used to be.
- I love my spouse, but I’m not in love with them anymore.
- Over the years, we’ve grown apart. We’ve become different people.
- My marriage hasn’t turned out like I thought it would.
- There’s no passion. No magic. No romance. I just don’t feel it.
That romantic feeling is going, going… gone now. What happened?
First, we need to make sure we are talking about the same things when using words like romance and love. These words can mean a variety of things, and that makes discussing them difficult. Let’s get on the same page. This might bring some clarity to what you’re feeling.
Passionate Love
This will be our term for romance. It’s usually characterized by a strong desire to:
- be around your spouse,
- please them,
- enjoy them,
- be sexually attracted to them, and
- overlook their flaws.
This is what people usually mean when they say they are in love with their spouse.
Passionate love has a unique effect on your brain and body chemistry. Those fireworks! But some researchers claim passionate love naturally gives way to a deeper kind of love as your relationship grows. Other researchers argue that passionate love doesn’t have to fade.
Passionate love might come and go, and romance might ebb and flow… but it doesn’t have to disappear from your marriage completely. You might have to be more intentional and purposeful to keep that romantic spark lit.
Compassionate Love
This will be our term for what people generally mean by the word love. It’s usually characterized by:
- deep feelings of security,
- emotional connection and intimacy, and
- best-friendship in your marriage.
Some researchers call this companionate love.
Compared to passionate love, this love is often considered more stable, mature, and steady. It doesn’t feel as fun, euphoric, or exhilarating as passionate romantic love. But this makes sense. Because researchers have found that this love activates different parts of the brain – even different body chemistry – than passionate love. So, yeah, it actually feels different.
Perhaps your relationship has undergone a normal transition. Maybe it’s been creeping up on you. Maybe it hit you all at once. It’s not a crisis, but it can feel like one if you didn’t expect it. Now you’ve gained some perspective and can be purposefully passionate moving forward.
Perhaps conflict or circumstances have deflated your passionate love. This is less of a relationship transition you can accept and walk through… and more like relationship issues you can expect to work through. (Compassionate love can be the safe context to work through these issues.)
That romantic feeling is going, going… gone. Now, what happens?
You don’t have to pick between passionate love and compassionate love. Healthy, growing, long-lasting marriages have both.
Explore the depths of compassionate love. Enjoy the heights of passionate love as you keep cultivating those romantic feelings. Here’s a practical place to start – back at the beginning.
★ Here Are Some Things To Think About And Try!
Okay, today, you don’t have romantic feelings for your spouse. Look at all your yesterdays. Take a step back, like, all the way back to your wedding day. Rekindle old feelings by reviewing old memories.
1. Remember Why You Married Your Spouse.
Many counselors and therapists recommend listing what attracted you to your spouse in the first place and the reasons you wanted to marry them. What caused you to fall in love? Remind yourself of why you’re grateful for your spouse.
Take time to reminisce about the first time you met. How do you remember it? How does your spouse remember it? Similarly, talk about your first date. Can you recreate it? While on your date, talk through five things you appreciate about each other and your relationship. How did you get engaged? How did you propose/were you proposed to? What were the feelings surrounding that occasion? What was your wedding day like? Did everything go as planned? What were you feeling on The Big Day? What was your first year of marriage like? Share favorite stories. What were you naive about? How has your relationship grown since then?
Passion Power-Up:
You know your spouse better today, including their faults, annoying habits, and when they let you down. Yes, reality puts some big dents in romance. Reality also invites you to a deeper love that transcends romantic feelings and builds a stronger bond with your all-too-human spouse. This could be a huge marital growth opportunity.
2. Remember All The Things You’ve Been Through With Your Spouse.
What circumstances have changed since your wedding day? Children? Careers? Stress? Illness? It could be as simple as being busier now. It could be as complex as significant unresolved marital conflicts. Commit to each other to work through any obstacles as a team. And commit to shaking things up a bit. (In a good way.)
Passion Power-Up:
Have you talked to your spouse about how you feel? Are you creating the time and space to maintain your marriage so there’s room for romance? This probably doesn’t sound romantic, but frequently the effort comes first. The feelings often follow. You might be surprised by the romance conjured by a planned night out, the habit of taking a walk together after dinner or even scheduled sex. Do something different. Don’t let your relationship get in a rut.
- Try some of these 100 Cute Date Ideas So You Never Get Bored Again.
- Talk through The 50 Best Marriage Tips Of All Time From 50 Relationship Experts. What do you already have down? What do you want to start working on?
- Move beyond clichéd convos. Pick a question or two a day from these 200 Questions for couples.
- Let the big brains at Harvard give you some spicy Tips To Improve Your Sex Life, or Keep The Spark Alive In Your Marriage with advice from these other big brains.
- Change up your bedtime routine with these 10 Things Happy Couples Do Before They Go to Sleep.
3. DANGER ZONE.
Gut-check time. Have you entertained romantic feelings for someone other than your spouse? It’s difficult to have romantic feelings for two different people simultaneously. It can be subtle at the start. A friend or co-worker seems fun and interesting. Maybe you see some qualities in them you feel your spouse is lacking. That romantic feeling for your spouse starts to wane. This is the Danger Zone.
Passion Power-Up:
If this is the case, you need a reality check. You know your spouse, warts and all. It’s unfair and unrealistic to compare your spouse to someone you know comparatively on a superficial level. The grass isn’t greener on the other side of the fence. The grass is greener where you water it.
See those “feelings” for what they really are and refocus on your spouse. Nourish your relationship with your spouse and see what happens to your romantic feelings.
4. Start with you.
Maybe this isn’t about your spouse at all. You might be experiencing some changes in how you look at yourself and your life. Several things could cause this. You might not be experiencing success in your career like you’d hoped. Maybe you’re feeling the burden of financial stress. You could be dealing with physical or mental health issues. This could be a season of life thing. You could simply be aging and not handling it in a healthy way.
Passion Power-Up:
Do a personal inventory. You might need to take a good, honest look deep inside yourself. Many things may have changed or shifted inside of you, affecting how you feel about your spouse. You might not have noticed slow, silent repositioning in your perspective or personality. It might be helpful to enlist a trusted friend in answering these questions. See your primary care physician if you haven’t had a check-up in a long time. Our physical health and our feelings are bound up together. Don’t be afraid to seek out a counselor or therapist if you feel like you can’t quite understand what you’re feeling. Your spouse will thank you.
You’ve lost romantic feelings for your spouse. How you respond is critical.
Some people want a romance-based relationship. Ask yourself if that’s a reality-based relationship. You might not always feel that heady, passionate love. But as you experience that heavy compassionate love, the romantic feelings that follow might surprise you.
Don’t be afraid to take a hard look at yourself. Ask yourself the tough questions. Respond in a way that’s healthy for yourself and your marriage. Seek out help where needed. Lost romantic feelings may be complex, but they may also be very simple. Taking these steps is a great sign, and there is hope!
Other Blogs:
Keep Romance Strong in Marriage
Sources:
Love and the Brain | Harvard Medical School
Brain Study Reveals Secrets of Staying Madly in Love | Psychology Today
The Dark Side of Believing in True Love – BBC Future
15 Things About Being in Love vs. Loving Someone
The Psychology Behind Love and Romance
Thinking About Romantic/Erotic Love
Navigating the 4 Stages of a Relationship
8 Warning Signs of a Troubled Marriage
Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Divorce
Getting It Right the First Time: Creating a Healthy Marriage
How to Keep Romance Strong in Marriage: Part 2
Intimacy can be a scary word for some people, but it is an essential part of keeping romance strong in your marriage. We often think of intimacy as sex, but it’s so much more than that. It’s how we connect at the deepest levels. Connecting in one of the five types of intimacy (emotional, intellectual, experiential, spiritual and sexual) deepens the others. That’s totally a win for your relationship.
Ready to dive a little deeper into each type of intimacy and learn ways to pursue it? Let’s go!
1. Emotional intimacy happens through trust and vulnerability.
It’s about revealing yourself fully to your spouse.
How can you build emotional intimacy? For starters, be vulnerable with one another. Sharing your dreams, faults, fears, and hopes increases emotional intimacy. Each day, commit to really talking about your day and more. Ditching the technology and making eye contact can help you focus. It can help you grow emotionally closer, too.
2. Intellectual intimacy creates a space to share thoughts without fear of judgment.
Remember, you’re two people with different backgrounds and views. You may not always agree on everything. And that’s ok.
How can you build intellectual intimacy? Practice having conversations around challenging topics. This isn’t about changing each other’s minds; it’s about better understanding one another. Ask lots of questions to make sure you understand. Genuinely listen to what your partner says.
3. Experiential intimacy is what you get when sharing experiences.
Trips, adventures, hobbies – all those things you do together that bring you closer.
How can you build experiential intimacy? Do something together you both enjoy or try something new. Take a crafting class, go for a hike, kayaking, or a bike ride. Make a list of things one or both of you would like to do. Doing fun stuff together makes you want to do more, strengthening your bond.
4. Spiritual intimacy isn’t just about religion.
It’s about sharing values and beliefs. More than likely, you and your spouse share some core values. That may be part of what brought you together.
How can you build spiritual intimacy? Start by writing down your family values and beliefs. Look for ways to implement those.
5. Sexual intimacy seems pretty obvious. But getting to a place of sexual intimacy isn’t always easy.
If you aren’t connecting intimately in the other ways, this one can be pretty tricky (or non-existent). Physical and emotional changes, stress, and kids can impact this intimacy. This intimacy can also be difficult if there’s past trauma.
How can you build sexual intimacy? Have a conversation about your sexual needs and desires. Be open and talk about it. And schedule sex. Your calendar is full of appointments and activities, so why not add sex? When you prioritize it, you’re more likely to make it happen. Anticipating it can make it more enjoyable for you both, too. [How’s Your Sex Life Quiz]
Connecting with your spouse intimately in each of these ways can fuel the romance in your marriage.
Turn toward each other and talk honestly about how your relationship is going in each of these five areas. Learn each other’s intimacy needs. If you feel that one area needs work, focus on growing that intimacy together.
Keeping romance strong in your marriage takes intentionality and commitment from both of you to make it happen. Taking small steps toward each other every day can keep you from getting overwhelmed. And seeing your romance blossom can motivate you to stay the course.
Other blogs:
6 Exercises to Strengthen Emotional Intimacy in Your Marriage
5 Things To Do When You Feel Disconnected From Your Spouse
Course: Discover Deeper Intimacy – INTRO – First Things First
How to Keep Romance Strong in Marriage: Part 1
Valentine’s Day has come and gone, but the romance doesn’t have to end. For some, the weeks leading up to and away from the “love holiday” are filled with romantic gestures. Others may have lost that loving feeling. Maybe the romance has faded in your marriage. Life gets hectic, and we lose focus. Work demands increase. Kids bring on a whole new level of exhaustion. Our relationship becomes routine.
Routines don’t have to ruin your romance, though. You can always rekindle that fire, and with a bit of intentionality, you and your spouse can keep the romance strong.
Here are a few ways to get started:
1. Keep dating your spouse.
Remember what it was like when you were dating, before you got married? The long walks holding hands? The intimate conversations while getting to know each other? Prioritizing your budding relationship? Just because you’re married doesn’t mean that all has to stop. Your relationship probably needs those dates now more than ever. Put those date nights on the calendar and prioritize them. Hold hands often. Treat the person you married the same as you treated them when you were falling in love. [This date night can help!]
2. Study your spouse.
We are constantly growing as individuals. Our opinions and views evolve. There’s always something to learn about your spouse. If you don’t know their love language, that’s a great place to start. Your love language is the way that you receive love. Dr. Gary Chapman says there are five love languages: words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, gifts, and acts of service. We all have a love language (or two) that we prefer. Get to know your spouse, but don’t stop there. Keep learning and pursuing them. Curiosity is a beautiful thing in a relationship.
3. Surprise and delight your spouse.
Leave notes in their lunch, car, or on the bathroom mirror. Text them throughout the day just to say I love you. Surprise them with their favorite drink. Use the knowledge you gained from studying them to speak their love language. Maybe that means taking on some of their household chores or responsibilities so they can relax and recharge. Looking for ways to surprise your spouse shows them they are on your mind, and their feelings are a priority.
4. Commit to pursuing intimacy in all its forms.
It’s common to equate intimacy with sex, but it’s so much more than that. Intimacy is our innermost thoughts and feelings. It allows us to bond with each other on several levels. While many healthy relationships involve intimacy, marriage should be the most intimate. Your spouse should know you more deeply than anyone else.
There are five types of intimacy: emotional, intellectual, experiential, spiritual and sexual. Focusing on each one increases the others. Continual conversation is a necessity to grow your intimacy as well.
Start the conversation with your spouse about these ways to keep romance strong in your marriage.
If you’re ready to dive into each type of intimacy and find out how to build it in your relationship, let’s take a deeper look and talk about practical ways to grow your intimacy in How to Keep Romance Strong in Marriage: Part 2.
Other blogs:
4 Signs Your Marriage Is Healthy – First Things First
7 Questions Every Couple Needs to Ask Each Other to Improve Their Sex Life – First Things First
What Is Emotional Intimacy in Marriage? (And Why Does It Matter?) – First Things First
What To Do When Your Spouse Has Changed
Navigating changes in your spouse can be difficult and serious. How serious?
If changes in your spouse cause you emotional or physical harm, consider reevaluating your relationship to determine if your situation is safe.
That serious. Short of that, even well-intentioned, positive changes in your spouse can still be distressing, frustrating, and confusing.
Change! = Adapting? = Distress!
On your wedding day, you knew that you, your spouse, and your marriage relationship wouldn’t remain exactly the same. Of course, there would be changes! The honeymoon phase passed. Seasons of life bring changes, and shifting circumstances like careers and children offer new challenges, too.
But maybe your spouse has really changed. Perhaps you’re feeling insecure, or like you’re being stretched beyond your ability to adapt in a relationship that feels unpredictable. That HURTS. That’s Change-Pain.
★ Heads Up! Your Change-Pain reflex might be to go for the “quick fix” and… change your spouse.
Change-Pain whispers: Just apply pressure to your spouse in the right spot, in the right way to, you know, change the change. It’s tempting – but be careful with your reflexes. Change-Pain can make us react to our spouse in unhealthy ways.
You don’t want to make things worse.
In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman says, “People can change only if they feel that they are basically liked and accepted the way they are. When people feel criticized, disliked, and unappreciated, they are unable to change. Instead, they feel under siege and dig in to protect themselves.” Perhaps you’ve seen this play out already.
We have to negotiate and navigate change. This requires (hard) conversations and resilience. Melissa Ferrari, psychotherapist and counselor, offers essential advice about talking through changes with your spouse:
“Relationships can survive arguments but generally not threats.”
You know when you go to the doctor, and they ask you to rate your pain on a scale of 1-10?
Imagine a scale for Change-Pain.
How would you rate that?
1 Bear with me; I have to ask. Have you changed in a way you might not have noticed?
Looked at things from your spouse’s perspective? Are you balancing your concerns for yourself with concerns for your spouse? Are your feelings and responses proportional to the change in your spouse? In a healthy way, openly and honestly share how you feel.
2-3 Has there been a change in circumstances? Big or small? Good or bad?
Changing circumstances usually change people. Acknowledging this isn’t an excuse, but it may explain some things. Talk with your spouse about it. Be honest, direct, and kind. Express your concerns and feelings and be willing to listen to theirs. Working through this can strengthen your relationship.
4-5 Do the changes in your spouse conflict with your needs, desires, priorities, or goals? Do you relate to each other differently?
These aren’t small things, but you can work through them. Your spouse might have no idea how you feel. Start there. Try to be positive, flexible, and hopeful.
6-7 Feeling deceived or duped?
Was there a Major Thing you and your spouse discussed before you married, and now your spouse has changed their mind? These situations can easily make you feel uncertain, insecure – even cheated. Get the support you need. Your conversations with your spouse may need to be mediated by a couple’s counselor or therapist. That’s okay.
8-9 Have changes radically impacted your relationship or put it at risk?
Practice curiosity and share your concerns with your spouse. Prioritize staying connected. Explore the little daily actions that keep a couple connected. Psychologist Dr. Jamie Long drops some wisdom here: Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb. It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do. Don’t settle.
10 This needs to be taken extremely seriously. Is there emotional or physical abuse?
Are you scared or nervous to disagree with your spouse? Do you feel safe? Bring in the professionals and even the law NOW. (For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here, or contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233.)
Change (and your threshold for adapting to it) exists on a spectrum. Is it possible to communicate and negotiate to a middle ground you can BOTH live with? Not just to keep going, but to keep growing?
Your spouse has changed. BUT, you can only control one thing: YOU. Please don’t let this be discouraging – it’s empowering!
How we respond to challenges forges our identity.
What happens next might be tricky. Working toward growth and connection will probably require time, energy, commitment, or even a brave acceptance of something new. Get help when you need it.
Marriage is hard sometimes. It might feel like a mountain to climb if your spouse has changed. But, if you choose to climb, you’ll be a marriage-mountain-climbing marvel.
And soon, you’ll be enjoying the view.
Sources:
You Are Not the Person I Married | Psychology Today
How to Navigate and Embrace Change in Your Relationships | PsychCentral
12 Thirty-Second Ways to Connect With Your Spouse | Psychology Today
7 Small Ways Spouses Can Stay Connected
Please use the resources below to address your specific needs:
What to Do When Your Spouse Disappoints You
What to Do When You Disagree With Your Spouse
Working Through Resentment With Your Spouse
8 Things You Should Never Do During an Argument With Your Spouse
5 Tips for Understanding Your Strong-Willed Spouse
What to Do When Your Spouse Doesn’t Meet Your Expectations
How to Communicate Better With Your Spouse
6 Ways To Agree To Disagree With My Spouse
What To Do When You Disappoint Your Spouse
Disappointment is a revelation. Disappointment in marriage – doubly so. Sadly, we usually don’t sit with it long enough to learn all we should. When you disappoint your spouse, you are faced with several choices. We’ll look at some practical actions you can take, but first, you need to address your relationship with disappointment. Remember, you aren’t alone in this. I’ve been there so much I’ve made up words for my options.
When you disappoint your spouse, you can choose:
1. “Self-Regretrospect.”
This is looking back on what you did, feeling appropriate regret, and learning from it. I can totally see how that disappointed my spouse. I need to make it right with them and learn from this.
This is sitting WITH the disappointment you caused.
2. “Self-Vulnercade.”
This is barricading your vulnerability. It’s not a big deal. They disappoint me all the time. I would never do that. Just get over it.
This is sitting AWAY from the disappointment you caused.
3. “Self-Crucifiction.”
This is fictional martyrdom. I’m the worst! Why do I always screw everything up? I can’t do anything right! I’m terrible!
This is sitting IN the disappointment you caused.
If you can muster some self-regretrospection and sit with the disappointment you inflicted, you’re in a place to learn something valuable. Disappointment reveals where hope is. You’re disappointed the recipe didn’t turn out because you hoped it would be tasty. You’re disappointed your team lost because you hoped they’d win.
There is no disappointment without hope.
So. You’ve disappointed your spouse. They’re understandably upset. Now, think about the hopes your spouse has that were let down. Be specific. They could be hopes for particular actions or hopes for certain character qualities. They could be hopes for a special kind of relationship. Learn into it.
What better way to grow closer to your spouse than to understand their hopes?
I’ve been married for 28 years. Do you know what I’ve learned about disappointing my spouse and being disappointed? It happens often, but worse, we usually totally waste it.
We don’t learn anything from it, so our relationship doesn’t grow. But disappointment is fertile soil for bitterness and resentment, even in the healthiest of marriages. For both of you. ¡No Bueno!
Sadly, it’s taken most of my 28 years of marriage for me to realize that we rarely have the right discussion/argument/fight. Instead of defending & deflecting, instead of wilting & wallowing, I should own more. Take more responsibility. And then explore my wife’s hopes. Study them. Celebrate them. THIS: Protect her hopes because they’re connected to her dreams.
That’s all good in theory, but let’s get practical.
“What if my spouse’s hopes are unrealistic, impossible, and romanticized? I’ll always end up disappointing them!”
That’s a great point and a valid question. Our hopes need to be continually evaluated, calibrated, and recalibrated. But remember, hope by definition is a stretch between what is and what could be.
Hope in marriage should stretch you as individuals and as a couple, but hope should never break you. If you’re continually being broken, that’s not hope; that’s hurt, and it needs to be addressed. The goal is to keep growing as you keep going.
What do you do short-term when you disappoint your spouse? Like, now?
Your spouse’s hopes have been dashed and they are hurt and disappointed. Of course, this is not where you want to park your relationship.
You can hear and validate your spouse’s feelings in the moment and explore their hopes and expectations later.
(1.) Own your actions, words, and attitudes.
(2,) Acknowledge your spouse’s feelings.
(3.) Apologize for disappointing your spouse.
(4.) Then, at the right time, ask questions and listen to the answers.
“What do you think is the hope driving that?” or “What is the hope beneath that?”
It might be trust, respect, feeling heard, feeling cherished – who knows? But that’s what you’re actually working on – not just dishes, taking out the trash, helping with the kids, folding laundry, and sending 😍 😍 😍 texts.
★ Heyo! Your spouse might realize they need to address their hopes and expectations. Maybe they go beyond a healthy stretch to an unhealthy setup for perpetual disappointment. This is an ongoing convo that should strengthen your bond. This is the heart of marital growth.
Homebuilding is Hopebuilding.
Your goal isn’t to stop disappointing your spouse. It’s way deeper. Your goal is to always be working to protect their hopes. When your spouse sees you working to that end, so many of life’s disappointments, big or small, just seem to… fade… away.
Other blogs:
5 Ways to Reduce Resentment in Your Marriage – First Things First
How to Overcome Built-Up Resentment in Marriage – First Things First
How to Stop Resentment – First Things First
What to Do When Your Spouse Disappoints You – First Things First
