So maybe you’re not married to a narcissist. (This is a good thing!) But, your spouse might be selfish, self-absorbed, self-centered, and be destroying your self-image. (This is NOT a good thing!)
Let’s talk about selfishness in marriage, because, let’s face it, we all struggle with selfishness to some degree sometimes. What kind of selfishness is to be expected as two individuals learn how to build a life together? What kind of selfishness is out of line, over the line, time to draw the line?
TWO WORDS: ME & WE
- Does your spouse have an attitude of, “It’s all about me”?
- Communication: Do they cut you off, talk over you, insult you?
- Conflict: Do they have to win and get their way?
- Emotions: Is it all about their feelings being understood?
- Sex: Is the only thing that matters is that they have sex when they want it? Selfish lover?
- Decision-Making: They make all the decisions and have to get what they want?
- Self-Image: Does your spouse have to put you down to try to elevate themself?
This is all “Me” stuff. Marriage is about forming a team, building a “We.” There should be healthy give and take along with mutually beneficial solutions, and both people should feel heard, understood, respected, and validated.
In a healthy marriage, the marriage wins, not just one spouse. We win. They say there is no “I” in “Team,” but there is an “I” in “Win.” Marriage is all about growing into a winning team. That’s a “We” thing.
Don’t forget – not all “self” stuff is selfish. Right now, you need a healthy view of your “self.” You definitely have to remember that you have self-worth. Period. Full stop. You need to cultivate self-awareness and constructive self-care. Your self-talk is what you ultimately believe. It needs to be reality-based and brave, not self-sabotaging or a projection from your spouse.