6 Ways to Deal with Emotional Pain
Have you been to the doctor’s office or emergency room and they asked you to rate your pain on a scale of 1 to 10? I really stress out over this question and probably way overthink it. I want to know what a 1 or a 10 stands for so I can answer accurately. If I am going to be healthy – physically and emotionally, I better answer honestly. People are counting on me.
After 31 surgeries in the past couple of decades, and surgery 32 right around the corner, I have probably been asked to rate my pain hundreds of times. Hundreds. By doctors, nurses, anesthesiologists, physical therapists, mental health professionals. Sometimes it’s hard to pin an exact number to your pain, but you know when it’s there. What do you do with yours?
Over the years, I’ve learned the patterns of my pain. For me, physical pain usually leads me to emotional pain like loneliness or depression. When I’m depressed, I’m more likely to do something like skip physical therapy which then prolongs my recovery time which only makes me more depressed. And the downward spiral spins…
If I am going to have a healthy relationship with myself (and my family, friends, neighbors and co-workers) it begins when I answer these questions honestly…
How would you rate… your pain today Mr. Daum, on a scale of 1 to 10? How would you rate your…
Depression…
Anxiety…
Anger…
Stress…
Loneliness…
It is so tempting to ignore or downplay our pain. Are you honest about yours?
Call in the Professionals.
Whether your pain is physical or emotional, know when to get help. Some problems are just bigger than you are. Don’t be a hero. Don’t let it paralyze you. Do not let it make you do something you’ll regret. Don’t pretend your anger is a 2 when you are at a 9. There is nothing wrong with calling in the pros.
Laugh.
Seriously, laughter is the best medicine. Mock your pain by laughing at it. Take some of its power over you away. If the people around you see that you can joke through your struggles, it puts them at ease, too. (This doesn’t mean you don’t take it seriously, just that you won’t let it steal your smile.)
Perspective.
All the perspective. True, sometimes the pain that you are feeling is the Worst Pain in the Whole Entire Universe to you in the moment, BUT there is always someone out there who would trade problems with you in a second. That doesn’t make your problems magically go away, but it gives you perspective.
Embrace the Pain.
This one is a tougher sell. Work with me here. There is a huge upside to pain. Whether it is physical or emotional, your pain is trying to teach you something. Pain is a strict teacher, but it teaches some of life’s most important lessons. Lean into the pain. Be open to the lessons. Be grateful for them…
Keep It Real.
If someone asks how I feel, I usually tell them. They asked. (You don’t have to dump EVERYTHING on them, but you’ll soon learn that your Brave Face doesn’t help anyone.) At least have one or two people in your life that you can be real with about how you feel when you are hurting or depressed or angry or stressed. These are people who will let you vent, not be dismissive, listen for a while, but then help you get centered and refocused again. These people are your angels.
Prevention.
Listen to this, the cool thing is that a lot of what keeps us healthy physically also helps keep us healthy emotionally. Good sleep. Exercise. Eating healthy. Getting out in the sun. Spending time with friends and loved ones. Gratitude. Check-ups with professionals. Listen: The absolute best pain, physically and emotionally, is the pain that you avoid.
On A Scale Of 1 to 10, How Honest Are You About Your Pain?
For more resources, see our Self-Care page here.
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7 Ways to Promote Good Sportsmanship
As a tennis phenom, Coco Gauff has quite the following as a result of her incredible skills on the court.
After losing at the U.S. Open to Naomi Osaka, a tearful Coco headed to the locker room when something amazing happened. Osaka approached Coco, hugged her and asked her to do the interview normally reserved for the winner with her. Coco insisted that she shouldn’t because she would cry. Osaka responded, “No, you’re good. Look, you are amazing.”
Coco joined Osaka in spite of the tears. When Osaka spoke she addressed Coco’s parents, telling them that they raised an amazing player. She said she recalled seeing them in the same training facility and that she thought it was really incredible that both of them had made it this far, again reiterating that she thought Coco was amazing. All of this came from the number one female tennis player in the world.
A winner graciously sharing the limelight with her opponent was a powerful moment on so many levels.
Perhaps parents and players alike could follow Osaka’s lead: playing hard, leaving it all on the court or the field and practicing humility whether you are the winner or not.
You can encourage great sportsmanship by intentionally teaching your kids what it looks like. Here are a few ideas to get you started:
- Bring your best to the game. Be as prepared as possible and give it your all.
- Discuss what being a gracious winner looks like and how to accept loss without being a sore loser.
- Talk about what good sportsmanship looks like during the game – playing clean and fair, helping opposing team members up, not bullying, and shaking hands at the end of the game regardless of whether you win or lose.
- Avoid letting others’ behavior dictate how you behave.
- Teach your child to learn from their mistakes versus sulking.
- Discuss the importance of following instructions.
- Talk about what it means to be a team player, even if you are the best player on the team.
It’s so easy to get caught up in the game when your kids are playing. But remember – your kids either follow your lead or are dying from embarrassment because you are that parent. Consider these things as you sit on the sidelines:
- They have a coach. Let their coach do his/her job.
- Avoid arguing with the coaches or referees.
- Be respectful of the other team regardless of their ability.
- Keep your perspective. Regardless of the sport you are watching, these are kids, and even the college students are still in their teens. Most of them will not go on to play professional sports. They play for the love of the sport.
Someone once said, “Sports don’t build character, they reveal it.”
Osaka’s gracious behavior was not a fluke. It’s something she learned over time and has shown on more than one occasion. Although Osaka was the winner, she left her opponent feeling good about herself. That’s the sign of someone who has their ego in check and understands the impact of their behavior on others. Modeling great sportsmanship and character will teach your child skills they can use on and off the field.
Image from Unsplash.com
I was irritated. More than irritated, I was ready to pounce at the next person who asked me a question, about anything. I was mentally and physically exhausted from putting in hour after hour at work, only to turn around and put in hour after hour at home, and I was over it. I was over my boss, over my hard work going unrecognized, over bearing the weight of the invisible mental load of motherhood and oh-so-over being told I was being too emotional about it all. In other words, I was suffering from BURNOUT.
ICYMI, “Burnout” is now an official medical diagnosis, according to the World Health Organization (WHO). No, we’re not talking about just being stressed out. WHO classifies burnout as a condition caused by “chronic workplace stress that has not been successfully managed.”
Symptoms include:
- Feelings of energy depletion or exhaustion
- Increased mental distance from one’s job or feelings of negativism or cynicism related to one’s job
- Reduced professional efficacy
Yup, I had it all. Check, check aaaaand check.
Thankfully I stumbled upon Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. and Amelia Nagoski, DMA. It opened my eyes to the science and reality of burnout and how to take care of myself by managing stress.
According to the Nagoski sisters, burnout is caused by chronic stress, not stressors. But what’s the difference? Stressors are external: to-do lists, bosses, all the challenges life throws our way. Stress is the neurological and physiological response your body has when you feel like you’re in danger (from a stressor).
For instance: Your boss called you out on missing a deadline at work. The stressor is your boss calling you out. The stress is the guilt, shame or embarrassment you felt from being called out.
The stress cycle begins when a stressor triggers our “flight or fight” response. It is literally our SURVIVAL mode. Think about it:
FLIGHT: If you were being chased by a lion, you would run to a safe place. Once you are safe, your body would relax.
FIGHT: If you were being attacked by a bear, but you were pretty sure you could fight it off and win, your body would gear up to attack. Once you had won and the danger was gone, your body would relax.
When you’ve finally reached safety and your body relaxes, the stress cycle is complete.
But what happens when the perceived threat is insurmountable? You’ll never outrun it and you’re not strong enough to fight it… so, you FREEZE.
And this, my friends, is where burnout happens. When we are stuck in a constant, never-ending state of stress, our bodies literally shut down and play dead in order to survive.
So is it possible to prevent burnout?
In order to fix or prevent burnout, we have to complete the stress cycle. That means, dealing with not only the stressor but the actual stress itself. If we hold our feelings in, power through the hard days, but never deal with the stress of the situation, then we keep the stress cycle open and ongoing, instead of closing it and allowing our bodies to relax.
Here are 7 ways to complete the stress cycle and prevent burnout:
- Physical Activity – In any and every form, physical activity is your BEST strategy to complete the stress cycle. You know the drill, 30 minutes a day. It can be anything that gets your body moving: running, swimming, dancing, kickboxing, etc.
- Controlled Breathing – Deep, slow breaths help regulate your body’s stress response. Try slowly breathing in for a count of 5, holding that breath for 5, then exhaling for a count of 10.
- Socialize – Casual, friendly interactions help signal to your body that you’re safe and that not everyone is crazy and that everything will be okay. Sigh.
- Laugh – Laughter is quite literally the best medicine! When’s the last time you laughed so hard your abs and cheeks hurt? Laughter like that can help shift your mood and increase relationship satisfaction.
- Affection – Finding a deeper connection with someone you love and trust is paramount. A hug or kiss is known to release a mix of the “feel good” chemicals: serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin. Yes, please!
- Cry – Have you noticed how you seem to feel better after a good cry, even if nothing about the situation has changed? That’s because crying is actually dealing with the stress you are feeling.
- Be Creative – Allowing yourself to channel stress into art is a great way to complete the cycle. Any kind of creative activity will encourage you to freely express yourself and work through some of those big emotions.
You’ll be surprised at how implementing just one of these methods every day will change the way you manage your daily stress and prevent burnout from happening!
It didn’t happen overnight, but over time I was able to deal with the overwhelming amount of stress I was under. After a lot of introspection (coupled with a cry-sesh here and there), I realized that I had stopped taking care of my well being under the weight of the responsibility of taking care of all the other people in my life. So not only did I start making time for yoga, an exercise that I truly enjoyed, I also started a book club with my close friends to give me an excuse and motivation to read more and get together with good company on a monthly basis. Honestly, it took a lot of effort to change how I managed my stress, but changing my stress changed my entire life.
For more resources, see our Self-Care page here.
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Does family structure impact loneliness? For decades, concern has been expressed about how family breakdown impacts children. But the future impact on adults hasn’t received much attention. That’s changing.
In 2018, a Cigna study set off alarms about loneliness and its potential root causes. It indicated loneliness is at epidemic proportions in America.
In an article for City Journal, Kay Hymowitz, William E. Simon Fellow at the Manhattan Institute and author of Manning Up: How the Rise of Women Has Turned Men into Boysand The New Brooklyn: How to Bring a City Back, addresses how the rise in the breakdown of the family has created an increase in kinlessness. This phenomenon is impacting older adults in profound ways.
Hymowitz cites studies, including one by Ashton M. Verdery and Rachel Margolis, that showed a surge in the number of “kinless” older adults.
“A jump in the number of never-married and divorced adults is also part of the kinlessness story,” writes Hymowitz. “Baby boomers were the first generation to divorce in large numbers. They continue to split up even as they amble into their golden years. This gives rise to the phenomenon known as “gray divorce.”
Hymowitz also cites Robert Putnam’s work Bowling Alone, where Putnam raised the caution flag about the decline people were experiencing in social capital, especially the likelihood that boomers would experience a lonelier old age than the greatest generation before them.
Divorced people don’t typically have ex-spouses who are willing to take care of them in their old age or illness. Nor do stepchildren typically care for stepparents as they would care for their biological parent. Even biological parents who walked away from their children now find themselves navigating old age alone.
Verdery and Margolis summarize their findings. “Evidence is accumulating that the legacy of divorce and remarriage has a long reach straining intergenerational relationships and suppressing the support that divorced parents, stepparents and remarried biological parents might expect from their children later in life.”
Additionally, Hymowitz mentions cohabitation as a key ingredient in the rise of kinlessness.
“Superficially, cohabitation looks roughly equivalent to marriage; couples live together as ‘husband and wife,’ sharing a bed, living space, meals and in many cases children, but without the ring and city-hall certificate,” Hymowitz says. She asserts that the increase in couples who are living together has added to the fragility of post-transition relations.
Consider this:
Cohabiting couples break up faster and more often than married couples. Separated, cohabiting fathers prove more likely to withdraw from their children’s lives than divorced dads. Cohabiting and single parents have looser ties to their own parents and friends than marrieds. Plus, the Cigna study found that single parents as a whole represent the loneliest Americans.
“Even evolutionary-psychology skeptics, might notice that though marriage has shape-shifted over the centuries and across cultures, it has always defined those people – spouses, parents, children, grandparents, siblings, in-laws – to whom we owe special attention and mutual protection,” Hymowitz says. “Marriage creates kin; cohabitation does not. Some of the most crucial obligations of kinship have always been to tend to the sick and to bury the dead.”
It is worth noting that even today, the vast majority of unpaid caretaking of the aging in the U.S. is done by relatives, according to Putnam.
Hymowitz surmises that a lot of what’s happening is due to a change of what the family is. Hymowitz points out that kinless elders often show hoarder tendencies. They hang on to every stray electric bill, used coffee cup or odd bit of broken furniture. They cling to their stuff for lack of meaningful human interaction.
“Uprootedness uproots everything except the need for roots,” wrote American historian Christopher Lasch. Hymowitz believes one of our greatest challenges is to communicate that need to coming generations before they make decisions that will further fragment their lives and communities.
In conclusion, Hymowitz reminds us that the policy discussions about the troubles of the American working class and poor center on vocational and technical education, higher-paying and reliable jobs and benefits. These are necessary efforts, but they are not enough to counter the loneliness, kinlessness and despair crushing so many spirits. The solution must include what Tom Wolfe called a “great relearning.” This great relearning includes how to satisfy the human longing for continuity and connection.
Looking for more relationship resources? Click here!
Is it even possible to fight nice with your spouse?
When my kids were younger and they disagreed (or worse) I would tell them, “Boys, fight nice!”
This always got concerned looks from any other parents hanging around. “Shouldn’t you be telling them not to fight?”
“Nope,” I would stand my ground. “I want them to learn how to fight constructively, how to fight fair, to learn how to compromise and work it out themselves. To fight nice.”
Do you and your spouse fight nice?
You are both individuals with different personalities, opinions, likes and dislikes, and needs. Disagreements should be expected and viewed as natural and healthy. There may be some things that you never agree on, and that’s OK. It’s good to ask, “Is this really a problem to be solved, or a tension to be managed throughout our marriage?” That question can be a helpful fight-stopper.
So how do the two of you as a couple currently navigate those inevitable disagreements? Maybe you guys get loud and animated. OK, some people are just loud and animated. That can be completely different than being intimidating, mean, spiteful and hurtful. That’s definitely NOT fighting nice. (Sometimes talking about how your parents handled disagreements when you were growing up can be illuminating to how you yourself – and your spouse – currently handle a disagreement.)
To The People Who Claim They Never Fight With Their Spouse
Was your wedding like, yesterday? (I’m still skeptical…)
You never fight? Really? Never? Maybe you are hung up on the word “fight.” Do you ever argue? Disagree passionately? Discuss heatedly? OK. Interesting.
Well, let me ask you this: Do you make decisions jointly? Do you ever discuss money or sex or parenting? Do both of you have power and a voice in the relationship?
Often, when couples say they never fight, it isn’t because they are both just super-ultra-mega nice or they have the “perfect” marriage. Usually, the dynamics of those relationships involve one person who dominates all the decision-making and one person that just bottles everything up and goes along. One spouse has the power, has the voice in the relationship, and the other spouse has neither. That’s not a healthy relationship. Learn to fight nice. It can actually strengthen your marriage.
Here’s another great question to ask yourselves: “Is it the two of us against the problem, or the two of us against each other?” This question alone can change the trajectory of each issue, and ultimately, your marriage!
Even if you do answer these questions openly and honestly with yourself and your spouse, conflict will always be there. Fights will still happen. So what do you do when they come? Here are 10 rules you and your spouse can follow so that you can fight nice:
10 Rules For Fighting Nice
- Keep it about the problem, not the person.
- Don’t use words like “never” or “always.” It’s never true.
- Don’t intimidate, manipulate, or threaten your spouse.
- It should NEVER get physical. That’s domestic violence.
- Winning the argument isn’t worth losing your spouse.
- Don’t bring up past, settled issues or re-open healed wounds.
- Make sure BOTH of you have space to express yourself and feel heard.
- Compromise. You both should feel like you gave a little and got a little.
- Apologize and forgive. (Maybe some of the fighting wasn’t so nice.)
- End by reaffirming your love for each other. When the fight finishes, consider it done.
Remember – disagreements, debates, arguments, heated discussions, even good ol’ fashioned fights are part of every marriage.
It might seem impossible in the heat of the moment, but they can be an opportunity to grow closer together and don’t have to drive you apart. The key is how you handle them. Sometime when both of you are calm cool and collected, have a conversation and agree to some rules for fightin’ nice.
Looking for more marriage resources? Click here!
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
There seems to be constant buzz about how little time busy families spend together. Even during summertime, between work, screens, music, sports, and other commitments, families stay on the go. Is there any time to get fit as a family?
According to “The State of Obesity: Better Policies for Healthier America” survey released in 2015, some 78 million Americans are obese, which puts them at an increased risk of health problems, including heart disease, diabetes, and cancer.
In 2018, the adult obesity rate was at or above 35% in seven states and at least 30% in 29 states – but in 1980, no state had an adult obesity rate above 15 percent. Among children and teenagers, 31.8 percent were overweight or obese and nearly 17 percent were obese, including 5 percent of children between the ages of 6 and 11 and 6.5 percent of those between the ages of 12 and 19 who were severely obese.
“In order to build a national Culture of Health, we must help all children, no matter who they are or where they live, grow up at a healthy weight,” said former Robert Wood Johnson Foundation President and CEO Risa Lavizzo-Mourey. “We know that when we take comprehensive steps to help families be more active and eat healthier foods, we can see progress.”
Regular exercise, adequate rest and healthy eating can be the difference in a family that lives, plays, learns and works well together and one that does not. The secrets of getting fit as a family is no mystery!
“Research shows that children need regular exercise to build strong bones and muscles,” says Teresa Wade, Health and Fitness Director at the Sports Barn. “Exercise also helps children sleep well at night and stay alert during the day. Habits such as these, established in childhood, help adolescents maintain healthy weight despite the hormonal changes and social influences that can lead to overeating. Active children are more likely to become fit adults.”
Getting your family in shape does not have to be costly. But it does require you to move away from the screens and do something.
Here are some suggestions for busy families who want to get fit as a family during the summer months.
- Schedule a regular time throughout the week for physical activity.
- Take turns selecting a weekly family activity.
- Start a log of daily fitness activities for each family member.
- Adapt all activities to suit those with special needs and preferences.
- Help everyone find something active that makes them feel successful.
- Buy equipment or toys that promote physical activity.
- Discover what free and low-cost physical activity spots are nearby (park, bike trail, hiking trail, tennis court, swimming pool, etc.).
- Limit screen-time.
- Use physical activity as a reward instead of food (e.g. Family goes skating).
- Emphasize the importance of having fun and learning. Avoid a push “to win.”
“I encourage families to slow down a bit. Schedule time in your week to be active together. Actually pencil your family into your planner,” Wade says.
“If you wait for it to happen, it isn’t going to happen. Believe it or not, exercise can be fun. Start slowly with something like walking or biking in the neighborhood. When my grandchildren are with me, we often take a walk around the block before we go to bed. It is a wind-down time and helps us connect before the end of the day.”
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“I hear so often that your entire life changes when you become a mother. But I just really want to know how… How exactly does it change? Like, specifically.”
As we walked down the sidewalk on a cool spring day, my best friend, who was pregnant with her first child, asked me this question.
I suddenly felt very nervous, as if I were in an interview and my answer was going to be highly scrutinized and dissected to its core. How can I possibly narrow down the specifics of a life-altering experience? I racked my brain and let out an anxious chuckle as I grasped at how to articulate all the million ways my life changed when I became a mother.
“I think the biggest thing that changed for me is… time. Before kids, I thought I was busy. I thought I had a never-ending to-do list. I thought I was overwhelmed. But I had NO idea what busy was. After kids, you literally have no time. You are working 24/7, whether it’s at a job or at home or both. You are constantly taking care of everyone else’s needs. All. The. Time. It never stops. And it’s the most exhausting and overwhelming thing you’ve ever done. You’ll sacrifice so much… but it’s so worth it because you will finally understand what unconditional love is.”
I vividly remember the moment I realized what being a mother meant.
My first daughter, Jackie, came as a happy little surprise. Although I certainly didn’t feel ready to be a parent, at the ripe age of 27, I found myself with the most precious bundle of joy. There was a flood of emotions as I navigated the waters of motherhood, especially when it came to being a working mom. My entire perspective changed one night, as I rocked and nursed my sweet baby to sleep after a long day at the office.
I realized that motherhood is a thankless job; expected; commonplace. It’s just what you do.
There are no awards given to the best mom. No “Mom-of-the-Month…” (although there should totally be!). You don’t get a raise for doing an exceptional job. No one congratulates you on calming a screaming baby or praises you for changing 50 diapers in a day. There is no recognition for how many times you woke in the middle of the night and no trophy for the fact that you are still able to run on three hours of sleep (barely). And all that hard work you pour into making and sustaining this tiny human will never get you a promotion.
But the paradox is that being a mother is actually MORE rewarding than any amount of acknowledgment you could ever receive. To experience the love a mother has for her child is beyond anything I can begin to describe. It’s supernatural. It’s divine. And that’s what keeps us going at 1 a.m., and 3 a.m., and 5 a.m. … through the blowups and blowouts, the baby blues and the bliss.
Motherhood is a thankless job that I, for one, am so very thankful to have.
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If you’re in the midst of raising children or grandchildren, managing a career and caring for an aging parent or relative, you are not alone. In fact, a 2012 Pew Research report found that about half of all U.S. adults in their 40s or 50s have a parent age 65 or older and are raising a young child or financially supporting a grown child.
When our parents have strong desires to remain independent and we have strong desires to care for them, it can be a real challenge.
“I always like to focus on the things that are necessary for aging parents to stay as independent as possible,” says Amy Boulware, (LAP, MSW) Geriatric and Special Needs care manager for Chambliss Law. “The desire to remain independent is so strong, sometimes parents are willing to go to great lengths to keep up the appearance they are doing well on their own. I call this ‘malicious independence.’ They know they aren’t doing well, but they keep it from their family members. The sad thing is, often, they have already lost their independence because they are isolating themselves and not getting to do the things they enjoy doing.”
Getting older and more fragile is a hard thing to deal with, but things do happen as we age. Boulware believes the goal of providing good care to our parents is to avoid making decisions in the midst of a crisis.
“If we can help parents think about the things that are becoming more difficult for them such as going to the grocery store, cooking or keeping the house clean, then we can develop a plan to remove some of the burdens and help them stay as independent as possible,” Boulware says.
“Most people do estate planning, but few think about doing elder care planning,” Boulware shares. “Inevitably, something happens and then you are thrown into making quick decisions.”
So, how do you have that hard conversation? Boulware suggests that you begin the process by asking questions like:
- What are the things that are important to you as you age?
- How can we work together to help you have quality care later in life? What does that look like for you?
- What are the lifelong behaviors or details that make you tick that would be very important to know? For example, do you have a nightly routine, always have a certain snack, use something to help you sleep at night, etc.? There may be routines and rituals that you know nothing about that if discontinued, could cause agitation, fear or frustration for your parent.
- Who would you like to designate to make decisions should you become unable to do so? When do you think would be a good time to take care of that?
- What can you afford?
- If we see you struggling, how would you like us to handle that?
If you try to have the conversation and your aging parents won’t let you, seek help from a trustworthy third party.
This conversation in particular is often one we put off because it’s just plain uncomfortable and nobody wants to think about the end of life. Mapping out a plan ahead of time can pave the way for smoother transitions in the future. It can also strengthen your family relationships because the choices your parents make are truly theirs and it will be easier to honor them by following through with their wishes.
