9 Ways to Support Military Families
How can you support military families?
Kelli Day met Shawn Campbell her junior year of college at Texas A&M in College Station.
“He was already on the military track and dreamed of becoming a pilot. We were working together at a coffee shop when he asked me to go mountain biking and the rest is history,” said Kelli Campbell. “We got engaged a month before he left for officer candidate school and got married a week after he came home after completing school, and had four children Tristan, Kenna, Kate and Donovan, who are now 15, 12, 10 and 5.”
Shawn became a Marine and flew the CH-53, the Marine Corps’ largest helicopter, known as the Super Stallion. Maj. Campbell was deployed three times in the Middle East during his 15-year military career.
In 2016, Campbell went on a routine night-training mission at his home base in Hawaii. Just before midnight, his helicopter collided with another. Twelve Marines were killed, including Campbell.
“Years ago we decided that if something happened to Shawn, I would take the kids and move to Kansas City where my family lived,” Kelli says. “We went there not knowing if we would stay. Shawn and I had dreams for our kids, plans for things we would do together as a family.”
While in Kansas, Kelli became familiar with Folds of Honor. It’s an Oklahoma-based charity that provides educational scholarships to the children and spouses of fallen and disabled service members. Founded by Maj. Dan Rooney, a former Air Force F-16 fighter pilot with three combat tours in Iraq, and current Air Force Reserve pilot, the organization has awarded more than 16,000 scholarships in all 50 states, as well as Guam, Puerto Rico, and the Virgin Islands.
“Folds of Honor gave us a way to start over and honor Shawn’s legacy by giving the kids the things we wanted for them,” Kelli shares. “Scholarships from Folds of Honor allowed our three oldest children to attend a school together where they were provided with the educational, extracurricular and personal support they needed. They gave our children a lifeline because they understood their needs at a very difficult time.”
While people typically see Memorial Day as the kickoff to summer, it’s also a day to pause and remember that we get to celebrate because of the brave men and women who have given the ultimate sacrifice. From that, we can learn how to support military families.
“I don’t think Shawn would want us sitting around having a pity party on Memorial Day, but he would want us to stop what we are doing and say the names of people we know who served and gave their lives for our freedom,” Kelli says. “We used to make a point of taking the kids to the closest national cemetery to look at headstones and remember friends we had known and lost. We both felt it was important for our children to understand the significance of this day.”
Kelli describes her husband as “not your typical hardheaded Marine,” but soft-spoken, kind, gentle, and fun. She intends to keep her husband’s memory alive for her children by reminding them how he lived and served our country. She also wants to help other families who are on a similar journey. Currently a regional development officer for Folds of Honor, she also serves on their national speakers bureau and Kansas Chapter board.
Here are just a few of many ways we can support military families, come alongside them, and keep the memories of the fallen men and women alive:
- Give respite to the single parent by taking the children for a few hours.
- Say thank you. These families make a significant sacrifice on behalf of our country. Acknowledging this is huge.
- Include the sons or daughters of deployed or fallen parents in your parent/child activities.
- Organize meals just like you would for a new baby. Set aside one night a week to deliver food to the family.
- Have your whole block tie yellow ribbons around trees to help everyone remember their deployed or fallen neighbor.
- Check on the family regularly. The spouse left behind needs to know that another grown-up is around even if they don’t need anything.
- Invite the family along on outings with your family even if it’s just for a quick ice cream.
- Think about chores the fallen parent would have normally done. Help with the garbage cans each week or offer to change the oil in the car. Help with the window air conditioners or just getting the Christmas tree into the house.
- Write letters or send cards to let them know you are thinking about them.
We can intentionally and proactively serve military families who have made and continue to make it possible for us to reap the benefits of their willingness to serve.
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“I hear so often that your entire life changes when you become a mother. But I just really want to know how… How exactly does it change? Like, specifically.”
As we walked down the sidewalk on a cool spring day, my best friend, who was pregnant with her first child, asked me this question.
I suddenly felt very nervous, as if I were in an interview and my answer was going to be highly scrutinized and dissected to its core. How can I possibly narrow down the specifics of a life-altering experience? I racked my brain and let out an anxious chuckle as I grasped at how to articulate all the million ways my life changed when I became a mother.
“I think the biggest thing that changed for me is… time. Before kids, I thought I was busy. I thought I had a never-ending to-do list. I thought I was overwhelmed. But I had NO idea what busy was. After kids, you literally have no time. You are working 24/7, whether it’s at a job or at home or both. You are constantly taking care of everyone else’s needs. All. The. Time. It never stops. And it’s the most exhausting and overwhelming thing you’ve ever done. You’ll sacrifice so much… but it’s so worth it because you will finally understand what unconditional love is.”
I vividly remember the moment I realized what being a mother meant.
My first daughter, Jackie, came as a happy little surprise. Although I certainly didn’t feel ready to be a parent, at the ripe age of 27, I found myself with the most precious bundle of joy. There was a flood of emotions as I navigated the waters of motherhood, especially when it came to being a working mom. My entire perspective changed one night, as I rocked and nursed my sweet baby to sleep after a long day at the office.
I realized that motherhood is a thankless job; expected; commonplace. It’s just what you do.
There are no awards given to the best mom. No “Mom-of-the-Month…” (although there should totally be!). You don’t get a raise for doing an exceptional job. No one congratulates you on calming a screaming baby or praises you for changing 50 diapers in a day. There is no recognition for how many times you woke in the middle of the night and no trophy for the fact that you are still able to run on three hours of sleep (barely). And all that hard work you pour into making and sustaining this tiny human will never get you a promotion.
But the paradox is that being a mother is actually MORE rewarding than any amount of acknowledgment you could ever receive. To experience the love a mother has for her child is beyond anything I can begin to describe. It’s supernatural. It’s divine. And that’s what keeps us going at 1 a.m., and 3 a.m., and 5 a.m. … through the blowups and blowouts, the baby blues and the bliss.
Motherhood is a thankless job that I, for one, am so very thankful to have.
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If you’re in the midst of raising children or grandchildren, managing a career and caring for an aging parent or relative, you are not alone. In fact, a 2012 Pew Research report found that about half of all U.S. adults in their 40s or 50s have a parent age 65 or older and are raising a young child or financially supporting a grown child.
When our parents have strong desires to remain independent and we have strong desires to care for them, it can be a real challenge.
“I always like to focus on the things that are necessary for aging parents to stay as independent as possible,” says Amy Boulware, (LAP, MSW) Geriatric and Special Needs care manager for Chambliss Law. “The desire to remain independent is so strong, sometimes parents are willing to go to great lengths to keep up the appearance they are doing well on their own. I call this ‘malicious independence.’ They know they aren’t doing well, but they keep it from their family members. The sad thing is, often, they have already lost their independence because they are isolating themselves and not getting to do the things they enjoy doing.”
Getting older and more fragile is a hard thing to deal with, but things do happen as we age. Boulware believes the goal of providing good care to our parents is to avoid making decisions in the midst of a crisis.
“If we can help parents think about the things that are becoming more difficult for them such as going to the grocery store, cooking or keeping the house clean, then we can develop a plan to remove some of the burdens and help them stay as independent as possible,” Boulware says.
“Most people do estate planning, but few think about doing elder care planning,” Boulware shares. “Inevitably, something happens and then you are thrown into making quick decisions.”
So, how do you have that hard conversation? Boulware suggests that you begin the process by asking questions like:
- What are the things that are important to you as you age?
- How can we work together to help you have quality care later in life? What does that look like for you?
- What are the lifelong behaviors or details that make you tick that would be very important to know? For example, do you have a nightly routine, always have a certain snack, use something to help you sleep at night, etc.? There may be routines and rituals that you know nothing about that if discontinued, could cause agitation, fear or frustration for your parent.
- Who would you like to designate to make decisions should you become unable to do so? When do you think would be a good time to take care of that?
- What can you afford?
- If we see you struggling, how would you like us to handle that?
If you try to have the conversation and your aging parents won’t let you, seek help from a trustworthy third party.
This conversation in particular is often one we put off because it’s just plain uncomfortable and nobody wants to think about the end of life. Mapping out a plan ahead of time can pave the way for smoother transitions in the future. It can also strengthen your family relationships because the choices your parents make are truly theirs and it will be easier to honor them by following through with their wishes.
When planning for a wedding, often wedding vows either seem completely overlooked or a big source of stress from the start. Not only do you have to listen, remember, and repeat a bunch of words in front of hundreds of people, but people expect you to speak them flawlessly! (Side note, if you haven’t seen the video of the guy saying “waffley wedded wife” instead of “lawfully wedded wife,” do yourself a favor and go watch it here.)
I’m not sure if that video struck fear in the minds of the future newlyweds or what exactly happened. But it seems like recently, the traditional wedding vow is dying a slow death.
Nearly every wedding I’ve been to within the last three years (including my own) did not include the familiar words. Instead, those 3-5 minutes were full of words directly from the bride and groom.
My husband and I chose to ditch the “to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse…” etc. It was not as meaningful to us as what we wanted to promise each other. So instead, we came up with our own list of vows we wanted to make and chose to speak those instead.
But here’s the issue… most of the weddings I mentioned earlier – to put it lightly – didn’t actually have any vows.
No real promises made, no list of actions they vowed to their partner. Rather, it basically felt like a mushy-gushy love letter – with a few jokes thrown in there. Instead of “until death do us part,” it was, “even if I get tired of you.” (Oh yeah, that happened.)
The definition of the word vow from the good ol’ Merriam Webster is “to promise solemnly.” That doesn’t mean wedding vows are restricted to the somewhat rigid words in the traditional vows. But it also doesn’t mean that it is the time to write a love letter to your soon-to-be spouse for all to hear! Alternatively, focus on the marriage that you are promising. Instead of writing them as if you were only going to be speaking to your partner, write them as words you are speaking to everyone in attendance: the close family and friends who will hold you accountable for keeping those vows.
If you do choose to let the traditional vow keep fading away and instead write your own (I’m definitely not judging, I did that too!), here are steps you can take. These steps will help you make sure you’re making solid promises, not just serenading a love letter!
- First of all, write down bullet points of major moments in your relationship so far that have defined your love and the way the two of you work. It’s also a good idea to come up with a few things that make your relationship unique!
- Then, make a few sentences around those memories. These sentences will help you see the core values that will be in your marriage. They will help you define what exactly you want (and need) to promise to your spouse.
- From there, start making a list of promises you want to make so that your marriage stays strong from the start. Know that some of them won’t feel comfortable or easy, and that’s actually a good thing. A vow can be something that you know you struggle with because what good is a promise if it comes naturally? Plus, knowing the areas where you can improve will help your relationship in the long run!
- Research examples of other vows when you feel stuck. A lot of things won’t apply to your own relationship. But it’s a good way to get ideas of areas in which you can make a promise!
- Finally, write from your heart. This one is kinda obvious, but it was a struggle when I was writing mine. I wanted them to sound more poetic than unique to our marriage, and for a while, I was stuck. Then I started writing down promises. The promises included things I knew I needed to say to my soon-to-be husband. Only then did things start flowing naturally!
Whether you are sticking with the traditional vow or writing your own, take note of the words you are speaking. It’s not just another part of the ceremony. It’s not merely something you should do before you say “I do.” They are a vital piece of a strong marriage. They are something you will cherish, even as the years start to fly by and until death do you part.
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Everyone has bad days and faces challenges in life, and we all need encouragement to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Sometimes in our efforts to be helpful and to avoid awkwardness, we say things like, “Look at the bright side of things,” or “Think positive.” While well-intentioned, the words may not be super helpful. We need to be more supportive.
The reality is, allowing people to be vulnerable, open and honest about where they are can be a real gift. We live in a world where 1 in 4 people struggles with anxiety about different aspects of life. Just telling them to be positive or pointing out what we see as the “silver lining” does not provide a solution or make things better for them.
What might be more helpful than mere words is your presence as they walk the road.
Acknowledge the reality at hand by being there and by saying, “I can tell this is so hard,” or “In the midst of the storm, it is hard to see past all the challenges.” Asking, “What can you do for yourself today that will be comforting as you try and sort things out?” can also make a world of difference in how they view the situation.
Whitney Hawkins Goodman, licensed marriage and family therapist, posted a graphic on Instagram containing common positive statements that are meant to be helpful, but might not necessarily be beneficial to someone who is really struggling. She contrasted those statements with ones that offer validation and hope instead.
Instead of saying, “See the good in everything,” Goodman suggests trying, “It’s probably really hard to see any good in this situation.
We’ll make sense of it later.” Or, instead of, “Just be positive,” what about, “I know there’s a lot that could go wrong. What could go right?” The truth is, it’s super hard to see the good in anything when you literally can’t see your way out of the pit. With these statements, you aren’t trying to sugarcoat the problem, and you are giving them the opportunity to consider whether there is potential for something good to happen.
Think about the hard times in your own life. Sometimes it doesn’t feel safe to express yourself because you aren’t sure how another person will respond. What we are looking for in moments like this is empathy.
It can be uncomfortable to see someone you care about struggling. What you really want to do is fix the problem, but you can’t and usually you shouldn’t. In the midst of not being sure what to say or do, our tendency is to “Don’t just sit there; Do something.” Perhaps in this instance we should turn the tables and say, “Don’t do something; Just sit there.
It’s freeing for both parties if you are able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and get into the trenches with them, even if you can’t fix it for them.
However, you can listen, hold their hand and help them find perspective. In doing so, you are allowing them to feel what they feel without inadvertently being judgmental or condescending, and that is powerful.
Sometimes we underestimate the power of just showing up. You don’t have to have all the right words. Nor do you have to figure out best next steps. It’s OK not to be OK sometimes.
5 Ways to Celebrate Earth Day With Your Family
Celebrating Earth Day usually never crossed my mind because – I’m just going to say it – I kill plants.
Unintentionally, of course. But I’ll admit: my dad’s green thumb had not NOT passed down to me. So it’s no surprise that about 4 years ago, there was a pot full of soil sitting out on my back deck, the sad remnants of where a beautiful plant used to… ahem… barely survive. I had neglected it terribly and the empty pot was a constant reminder of how I was unable to provide the appropriate care and attention required for horticulture.
Then one fine day, I saw a tiny green bud poking out of the barren soil. The next day, I saw another bud and a stem sprouting up. By day three, there were three little green plants growing in the pot. A couple of helicopter seedlings from our large Maple tree had found their way to their new home. There was soil and some rainy days that allowed these little seeds to sprout!
I was pregnant with my first child at the time and saw this as a miraculous sign of the life also growing within me.
I was convinced that this was our “Family Tree” and when the little plant continued to thrive… my belief was confirmed. So, once our little girl was born and the baby tree was large enough to survive in the ground – we planted it, as a brand new family, on Earth Day.
Having a family tree planted in our backyard has provided the opportunity to talk with our daughter about our environment and how to take care of it. It melts my heart to see her innocent tenderness toward our family tree as they grow together! This Earth Day, why not teach your children how they can enjoy and nurture mother nature?
Here are 5 fun ways to celebrate Earth Day with your family!
1. Plant (and/or tend to) a garden:
Get your garden gloves on and your watering can out! Planting a garden can be a neat experience for any age. Younger kids can help water the garden or create colorful plant markers using craft supplies. Older kids can help plant seeds and pull weeds. When the fruits and veggies are ripe, everyone can pick them together! Working together to establish a garden can open up a bigger conversation about responsibility (for specific gardening tasks and for the environment as a whole).
2. Take a hike (or just a walk):
It seems like a no-brainer, but being out in nature is a sure-fire way to appreciate the beauty of our planet! Whether it’s a walk around your neighborhood, a local park or a more scenic mountain trek, your family can enjoy the scenery, as well as each other’s company!
3. Make the switch to reusable water bottles:
If you haven’t already ditched the plastic, now’s the time to grab a glass or BPA-free plastic water bottle to refill and reuse daily! A simple change like this can have a huge impact, not only on the environment but also your wallet: On average, Americans spend about $5 a week on bottled water which means you could save $260 per person, per year, by switching to a reusable water bottle. (For a family of four, that’s $1,040 in savings!)
4. Eat plant-based meals for the day:
Eating your fruits and veggies is not just good for your health; it’s good for Earth’s health, too. Even if it’s only for one day of the week (hello #meatlessmonday), skipping the meat and animal byproducts can significantly reduce carbon dioxide emissions and conserve water. It takes 2,400 gallons of water to product a single pound of meat! This frees up our land and resources. 30% of Earth’s land mass is used to raise animals to eat. Despite the fear of the unknown, cooking a meal without meat or dairy is extremely easy! There are so many recipes out there that even the pickiest of eaters will still enjoy, we promise!
5. Make some resolutions:
Just like New Year’s Eve, this holiday is the perfect time to set some goals for the rest of the year. Write a list of practical ways your family can conserve, recycle and reuse every day! Post your list somewhere prominent (like your refrigerator) as a reminder to keep the momentum going! Every change, whether big or small, will make an impact.
Spending some extra special time with your family, no matter what you’re celebrating, doesn’t have to be difficult, expensive or extravagant. The memories you make are priceless and will last a lifetime! Happy Earth Day!
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“What are you thinking about?”
“Nothing…”
Sound familiar? Ever wonder what they’re really thinking about? Well, today, we’re going to find out. Usually, that “nothing,” actually means “nothing important,” and that can actually be a really fun place in their mind for you to see! It’s all about meaningless conversations!
Ask any couple, anywhere, at any time, what the key to a good marriage is, and there’s a near 100% guarantee they will mention communication in some way, shape, or form. Are they wrong? Not at all! Communication really is key to working your way through a whole lot of issues! But when communication is always focused on bettering the relationship, you’re missing out on a lot of fun, too.
Now, let me clarify this before we get too far into it. I am in NO way saying that the meaningful convos aren’t helpful. They are completely necessary to a fully-functioning, healthy relationship.
But hear me out on this: How many times have you looked at your partner and asked yourself, “We’ve been together for (fill in the blank) years now, so why don’t I feel like I know you as well as I used to?” Or maybe you have done an awesome job of having intentional, deep and meaningful conversations with your love, but something feels like it’s missing.
Well, good news for you. You might have stumbled upon the answer!! It just might be meaningLESS conversations: conversations that have nothing to do with the two of you (or anything else for that matter). They’re moments full of silliness, laughter, and fun where you and your partner truly connect. You get to learn more about your partner, you get to be goofy together, you find out things you’d never know otherwise, AND, most importantly, you both get a break from all the to-dos, the heavy topics, and the day-to-day crazies. You get a chance to fully enjoy your partner’s personality and company.
Still don’t get what I’m talking about? Here are a few questions you can ask your partner to get started. If you’re not used to asking questions like this, it might seem dumb at first. But I promise. It’s worth it.
- If you were given $100,000 (totally tax-free and no strings attached) and had to spend it ALL this week (no investments or saving funds!) what would you buy?
- If you could be any historical figure from the 15th century, who would you be and why?
- What is your favorite scent? Does it have any memories attached to it? Would it make a good candle or not?
- If you could instantly make one invention completely disappear from this world, what would it be and why?
- If you could tell one thing to your great, great, great-grandson/daughter when they turn 16, what would it be?
- Would you rather always have perfect hair or never run out of toilet paper?
- What’s one thing your parents said to you that you will never forget?
Even though these types of questions have nothing to do with your relationship directly, you just might be surprised at how much a meaningless conversation here and there can do for the love you have for your honey.
Take some time today to let go of the heaviness of all the meaningful & important conversations. Instead, just sit and enjoy what your spouse has to say about the “nothings” of life!
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As I think back to when my children were first born, there are many memories that come to mind of being bombarded with all the things that babies need. I remember attending a presentation for a $1,000 high chair. It was implied that if I didn’t purchase the high chair, I really didn’t love or wasn’t very concerned about the safety of my child. And I’ll admit, I began to struggle with the paradox of what my child needs versus what I, in my parenting, want my child to have.
If I were keeping it totally honest, I really wanted that high chair. Not for all the safety reasons or the fact that it would grow with my child, but the honest truth was I thought it made me look good to others. I heard messages that said to be a good parent, you provide what your children NEED, but even more so what they WANT.
Let’s talk about this struggle.
I should’ve owned stock in LeapFrog due to the number of their electronic toys that I purchased for my son, only because they were educational and would help with his language skills, color recognition, etc., or so I thought. I felt so disheartened when I found him playing with an empty 2-liter bottle rather than the toys I bought.
That was a pivotal point for me. I recognized that I was seeking external approval from friends and family rather than looking inside, and I realized what I was really teaching my sons. While I had taught them that they could have everything they wanted, I never taught them that there was a difference between a want and a need.
I composed a list of things that my sons really need from me, emotionally. It included:
- Love
- Time with me
- Support
- Discipline (teaching)
- Comfort
- Consistency
- Teaching them values of hard work, sacrifice, persistence, grit, etc.
That was the easy part. The hard part was changing the expectations and behaviors of my sons. Every time we went to a store, their expectation was to get something because they WANTED it. Really, they wanted it because I taught them to expect it by usually getting them something. They didn’t like the word NO.
After one especially rough trip, we had a meeting of the minds.
- I no longer took them to the store with me.
- I explained to them the difference between a want and a need in practical terms.
For example…
Need: Food (home-cooked); Want: Eating Out
Need: Shoes; Want: $200 name-brand that you are going to outgrow in 3 months.
Need: Uniforms for school; Want: Name-brand pants that you are going to get grass stains in and holes in the knee.
You get the idea.
As I look back, I’m so glad I made that pivot.
Even though that $1,000 high chair was fancy, I can’t put a dollar value on the lessons learned. My sons have grown into young men who know their worth doesn’t come from things like the right shoes or clothes or cars. And when they start parenting, they will know the difference between a want and a need.
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