The YMCAs and Planet Fitnesses in town and all the other gyms are packed full this week with all those who made New Yearâs resolutions to lose some pounds, to better their physiques, and to get healthier. Did you make any New Yearâs resolutions? Did you set some goals for this year? I hope they werenât all about diet and exercise! Did you make some Relationship Resolutions?
Tag Archive for: Family
When things seem hopeless, it can be really hard to think you’ll ever find hope again.
Dyan and Alik fled their war-torn village in Sudan in 2012, but they were separated as they tried to get to refugee camps in Africa. While fleeing, evidence of their marriage was destroyed.
The camp processed Alik as a single mom. They processed Dyan as a single man, however. This made him a very unlikely candidate for resettlement in the United States.
Alik arrived in Fort Worth, Texas with her two children and their third child on the way. She didn’t know if she would ever see her husband again.
Enter Molly and Mary Claire, two moms looking for a way for their families to serve others. These two families were paired with Alik and her children. As they developed a relationship with Alik, she shared with them about her husband being stuck in a refugee camp in Egypt.
When Alik spoke with her caseworker about getting her husband to the States, the caseworker gave her little hope. Molly and Mary Claire spoke with immigration attorneys, members of Congress, and anyone else who might be able to help them reunite this family. They also were told repeatedly it would be a real miracle for Dyan to join them.
After four long years, and reams of paperwork, Dyan rejoined his family. You can watch the video here.
Perhaps you’re dealing with a situation that seems hopeless, too. Unemployment with no possibilities on the horizon, a persistent illness, marital strife or a family member dealing with addiction. Sometimes itâs hard not to give up hope.
If you’re struggling to find hope, here are some suggestions to help you keep going.
- Find a community to engage with. It is likely that while both Dyan and Alik kept hope in their heart, there were probably times when they thought their efforts were futile. Their friends helped them keep going.
- Be aware of your own self-talk. Negative thoughts will almost certainly lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy. As Carol Dweck in her book âMindsetâ points out, self-talk is very powerful. Statements such as, âIt hasnât happened yet, I will eventually find a way,â âThis is temporary,â and âEven in the midst of the storm, I am learning,â are very different than giving up hope.
- Do something. Maybe you can’t do what you planned, but you can do something else while you wait. Alik continued to live her life while she was pursuing getting Dyan to the States. While she may have doubted she would ever see her husband again, she made friends with Molly and Mary Claire, cared for her children and participated in activities.
- Keep putting one foot in front of the other. As Dory says in Finding Nemo, “Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.” So often, people throw in the towel just before things start to turn around.
- Phone a friend. Sometimes talking with someone helps.
- Volunteer. Use your skills to help others while you wait. It may help you feel better about yourself and your situation, and you never know who you might meet while you volunteer. You might be able to encourage someone else, too. Or, you might work alongside someone who can help you with your current circumstance. Either way, itâs a win.
Desmund Tutu once said, âHope is being able to see that there is light despite all the darkness.â If you are still on this earth, you can still find hope.
Celebrating the holidays with family looks different for everyone. It can be super stressful, too. Some families get along really well and they look forward to being together. They never speak harshly or cry, get in a hurry, burn the rolls, forget to thaw the turkey or have a meltdown at any point. Other families just know that major conflict or hurt feelings are predictable, but they long for something different at their holiday gatherings.
Whether your family holiday gatherings are fun and carefree or theyâre not the stuff of your dreams, the way you choose to communicate at a get-together can make a huge difference in the way you feel when you head home.
These ideas can help you out!
- Consider trying to get on the same page ahead of time. Talk about who is coming so you can prepare, especially if there will be extra people that you or your children donât know well or see often.
- Anticipate and set boundaries. Most families have at least one person who has the potential to make holiday gatherings interesting, if not downright miserable. Don’t let them get under your skin. Instead, take a deep breath, and recognize you’re only going to be around them for a limited time. Donât allow them to steal your joy. You donât have to prove your point, have the last word or âwin in a conversation with them.â Consider telling everybody that super-divisive hot topics are off limits for discussion at the gathering.
- Be self-aware and teach your children to do the same. Talk about what to do if someone says something hurtful or gets on your nerves. In the moment, it’s easy to forget that you have a choice about how you will respond. Discuss how you know when someone’s getting the best of you. For example, your heart starts beating faster, sometimes people feel warm, your palms sweat or you want to cry. All of these warning signs can let you know to proceed with caution, help you stay in control of your emotions and choose how to respond to the person. If you talk about it ahead of time, you’ll be better prepared and less likely to lash out, defend yourself or lose it.
- Get your ZZZs. Believe it or not, getting enough rest can be a huge help when it comes to healthy communication with family members. Rest helps you to think clearly and be less on-edge. When you’re tired, it’s easier for people to get the best of you.
- Guard against anticipating too much about how things are going to go in general or with a certain person. You can actually make the situation worse if you’ve replayed scenarios in your head. Itâs one thing to prepare yourself; itâs another thing to have yourself so on edge that if someone uses the wrong tone of voice or a certain word it sets you off.
- Take a breather. If you think things are escalating and you donât feel like you’re doing well, go for a walk to get some fresh air. If thatâs not an option, find a quiet place to breathe and calm down. Research indicates that just 20 minutes of doing something different will help you recalibrate and handle a situation better.
- Have a plan. Sometimes it helps to bring a little structure to the holiday gathering instead of everybody just hanging out. (That can open the door to who knows what!) Occupying everyone can go a long way toward keeping the peace and creating fun. Grab some boxes of graham crackers, gum drops, candy canes, pretzels and other fun treats and let people make gingerbread houses. Or, gather food items and such and have everybody help make care packages for the local homeless shelter. Divide into teams and play several rounds of Minute to Win It (this is easy for children and adults to do together). Get a fun Christmas puzzle and let everybody work on it. (Once itâs finished you can frame it!) Play a game of Name that Tune: Christmas Edition. Anything that creates an atmosphere of fun is helpful.
- Pay attention to others. If you really want to make someone feel special and set the tone for the day, show interest in the things that matter to them. Request that delicious casserole recipe. Ask to see recent photos or find something to compliment about them. Ask them what the best part of their year has been.
- Know when itâs time to go. If youâve tried all you know to try and youâre either not enjoying yourself or feeling emotionally or physically drained, it may be time to make a graceful exit. Give everyone a hug or shake hands. Then say thank you and end your visit well.
- Keep your expectations realistic. Acknowledge that perfect holiday celebrations can be overrated. After all, think about all the things you laugh about from past celebrations. Chances are, itâs probably not all the things that went just right.
Being friends with your siblings as adults looks a little different than being roommates with them when youâre little. Your relationship with your siblings, if youâre like me, has ebbed and flowed over the years. I have two sisters and I’m the one in the middle. Iâm sure you can imagine there has been quite a mix of both.
Read moreFun Ways for Families to Connect During the Holidays
Build connection like never before.
With all of the expectations around the holidays, things can get kind of crazy. There’s bound to be disagreements about how, when or IF you do all the things. Think traditions, party plans, travelâyou name it. The very time that’s supposed to bring families closer together is often filled with more fun stuff like extra stress, fighting kids, awkward extended family dynamics, and sometimes marital tension. Whew!
Sometimes the craziness gets the best of us and family members start to feel disconnected. This leads to all kinds of holiday dramaâthe very thing we all want to avoid.
Want to help make sure the holidays are a time where family members feel connected and close? Here are some things you can do at home, in the car, during meals, and out in the community that not only will create conversation but also laughter, insight, memories, and you guessed it, CONNECTION!
IF YOU’RE TRAVELING…
If you do decide to travel, make sure you spread the love when you’re out and about. But while you’re in the car, instead of automatically plugging into technology, what about giving your kids a limited amount of time with tech stuff? Donât be intimidated by the pushback and donât expect them to thank you any time soon. Get creative and offer some motivation for participation and keep them busy so you don’t hear, “They’re breathing on me!” during your hours-long trip. For example, for every 30 minutes you play the game you get X number of minutes with your screen. During the downtimes, stay safe and healthy with some of the socially-distant/safe activities on the journey:
- Categories: Â Pick a category (Disney movies, popular songs, flavors of soda) and take turns naming something in that category until someone is stumped. (This person loses and the winner picks the next category.)
- Going on a Picnic:Â This is a memory game for all ages! The first person starts a story with, âIâm going on a picnic and Iâm going to bring…â and then lists an item. The next person says, âIâm going on a picnic, and Iâm going to bring…â and then lists the first personâs item PLUS a new item. As the story grows and grows, each person repeats the list and adds a new item. The first person to incorrectly list all the items is out! You can keep playing until only one person remains.
- License Plate Game:Â Interpret the letters in each license plate you pass. For instance, TMK could stand for âToasty Miniature Kangaroo.â
- People-watching:Â Watch a vehicle traveling on the road near you for a few minutes. Make up a story about the people in the car. Answer questions like: What are their names? Where did they come from? Where are they going? Why are they going there? What are they going to do when they get there? The sillier and more detailed the story is, the better!
IF YOU’RE STAYING AT HOME AS A FAMILY
- Plan a walk and play âI Spy.â When you exercise together, your brain releases endorphins that create âfeel-good memoriesâ you can all enjoy for years to come. Walk around the yard, neighborhood, park, or find a local hiking trail, but encourage the whole family to come! To keep the kids engaged for the walk (and to keep things playful for the adults), play as many rounds of âI Spyâ as you can. Then keep track of who wins the most âI Spyâ rounds and award them with a special treat when you get home, like hot chocolate, a cookie, or maybe watching the movie or show of their choice.
- Make something special. Baking goodies for the ones you love is fun, but baking goodies for someone in need, or someone who doesnât expect it is even more fun. It also teaches the littlest ones in the family that holidays arenât just about receiving, but giving! Choose one or two people, families, or organizations youâd like to delight this holiday season. Then, gather together in to bake something yummy together and share. Consider giving to an elderly neighbor, a family friend, the staff of a local nonprofit your family supports, etc.
IF YOU’RE SHARING A MEAL WITH OTHERS…
To avoid awkward silence at the dinner table with relatives or friends you may not see very often, try a few of these conversation starters:
- What is one way you have helped another person this year?
- Who is someone in your life youâre thankful for and why?
- If you could have dinner with anyone (past or present), who would it be and why?
- If you could have a superpower what would it be and how would you use it?
- What is the most beautiful place you have ever seen?
- What is the hardest thing about being your current age?
Itâs possible to be in a room or a car full of people who are not interacting fully with each other, especially when routines get thrown to the side, and people are tired and cranky. When people feel disconnected and schedules are upside-down, chaos reigns. Instead of chaos, plan for what you know is coming, whether it is boredom, difficult conversations or unwanted silence. During the busiest season of the year, these tips may help lessen the drama and help you make memories with family and friends.
5 Ways Friends and Family Influence Your Relationship
Protect your relationship with these tips.
After you say âI do,â thereâs a lot that changes and there are new things to get used to when it comes to friends and family. Add the holidays to a new marriage, and itâs easy to feel incredibly overwhelmed. It quickly becomes obvious that friends and family influence your relationship.
As a married couple, youâll have a different dynamic when it comes to your friends and family because there is an added measure of checks and balances. Your marriage is the one friendship and ultimate relationship that should come first. Itâs very important to wean off relationships that could potentially cause problems in your marriage. Now, you canât just all-out ditch family because you donât get along, but you can definitely set boundaries and determine how much time you will spend with those “problematic” members.
Here are 5 ways friends and family can influence your relationship with your spouse.
1. You are who you hang around.
Remember when every adult used to say this to you no matter who you were spending time with growing up? Well, itâs true. For better or for worse, your friendships can lift you up or tear you down – and now itâs affecting more than just you. What if you or your spouse has a toxic friendship that is negatively affecting your marriage?
How to deal: Talk with your partner to see if they are even aware that they are hurting you or causing tension in your relationship. Be gentle, donât accuse, and be open to hearing their perspective as well. After you bring it to light, assess where to go from there, such as less time spent with that person? A discussion with that person about behavior that you want to change/ have an issue with? You have to decide together what the best thing to do for your marriage is. And remember, friends should be encouraging you to be better every day and lifting you up to be the best you you can be! Invest in strong friendships for both you and your partner!
2. Your parents are just too intrusive:.
Just like on that old sitcom Everybody Loves Raymond, your parents or friends may feel a little too welcome in your life. âIf you have parents who show up uninvited, or who spend too much time with you, you might have too little time to be alone with your new partner and formulate your life as a couple,â says Susan Newman, Ph.D., a social psychologist.
How to deal: Set some rules – and fast. âYou need to clearly define your boundaries in regard to visits and time spent with your parents,â Newman says. Once you and your mate agree on the ârules,â tell your parents you love them, but they need to call before they come by, or even ASK specifically before they just decide to do something that affects you and your spouse. Set whatever guidelines you need to set for the sake of your marriage.
3. They make a mountain out of a molehill.
You picked your sister-in-lawâs wedding over the annual family reunion (insert your own situation where you had to choose between two family or friend events) – and now your parents arenât speaking to you, or theyâre being nasty.
How to deal: Gently remind them that you now have two families and lives to consider when youâre making decisions. âThey have to learn that you have a new family now [and new relationships] and that youâll [still] be connected, but not joined at the hip,â says Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., a psychotherapist.
4. They bad-mouth your partner.
You know the saying, âIf you donât have anything nice to say, donât say anything at all?â Well, sometimes family and friends donât really listen to or apply that.
How to deal: Explain that the snide comments upset you – and firmly tell them to stop. Always stand up for the person you have chosen to spend forever with. Be their #1 advocate! Most people will stop after being directly confronted. If they really care about the relationship – at least an effort will be made. But if they continue, you need to show that you mean business. âWhen your parent [or friend(s)] starts, simply say, âIâm not going to listen. I married [them] and Iâm happy,â Newman advises. If friends continue to speak poorly of your partner, reassess your relationship with them. Then decide if thatâs really someone you want a part of your new journey.
5. Sometimes, your in-laws (or your own parents) AND/OR your spouse’s friends can create marital problems simply by being who they are.
Different personalities sometimes just donât jive.
How to deal: Talk it out with your partner to see if you can sort out why thereâs an issue. Seek out resources to help you determine what the problem is and how to work through the conflict. Combining two families + friend groups with different backgrounds and lifestyles is not easy, but it’s not impossible. Strengthen your relationship with your spouse by being at peace with each otherâs âpeople,â and sometimes agreeing to disagree.
Looking for more engagement resources? Click here!
I Can’t Forgive My Spouse
Sometimes forgiving is just hard.
âForgive and forget,â right? Thatâs what they say. But what happens when you canât forget and you certainly arenât ready to forgive? Have you ever felt like something was wrong with you because forgiveness didnât come quickly, easily, or at all?
You are definitely not alone and there is certainly nothing wrong with you.
These struggles are common and normal. What we donât want is for unforgiveness to turn into bitterness, resentment, or worse. (Which can happen so easily, so quickly.)
When it comes to marriage and forgiving our spouse, we often unconsciously resort to some cold, hard math. We add and multiply and divide these factors of what our spouse did and see how the equation works out.
Then we keep the totals in our Relationship Ledger.
- Is it their âfirst offenseâ or have they been doing this for years?
- How serious is what they have done? Lied to you or like, left clothes on the floor?
- How hurt are you over what they did? Disappointed to brokenhearted?
- Did they apologize and ask for your forgiveness? Did they seem sincere?
The Hurt Spouse then takes all of the above information into account and âcalculatesâ how mad they will be, for how long, if retribution is in order, and finally, if and when they will forgive the Offending Spouse. This is Cold Forgiveness Calculus.
We do this math almost instantly in our minds subconsciously. We do this math with our kids, friends, co-workers – everyone really. It can be extremely difficult to get the numbers to ever add up to forgiveness.
Forgiveness is one of those things that we desperately want for ourselves, but we are often absolutely stingy when it comes to giving it out to others.
I get it. All the âcalculationsâ are a function of self-preservation. We donât want to keep getting hurt. We certainly donât want to be taken advantage of by our spouse. Honestly, we donât want to feel stupid because the same dysfunctional stuff keeps happening to us, so we keep that Relationship Ledger handy and it dictates how vulnerable we will be. (What is forgiveness if it isnât being vulnerable?)
Could there be another way? What if we dropped the Cold Forgiveness Calculus that constantly keeps our spouse in the red? If we saw forgiveness as part of the self-sacrificial love that we pledged to our spouse? What if we forgave them the way that we hope they will forgive us when we need it?
Does all this sound crazy? Too exposed? Risky? Naive? I hear you. I feel it too.
Let me make it simple: The math will never add up. There will always be a remainder. This is how we love and forgive our spouse- we forgive the remainder.
Some practical things to think about…
- You should forgive when it is real and you mean it. Take as long as it takes to be sincere. (It is ok and healthy to tell your spouse, âI am having a hard time forgiving you for _____. I am working on it. Iâm trying to get there.â)
- You might need to practice on yourself. If you canât forgive yourself, let go, and move on. Forgiving others will always be a struggle for you.
- Forgiving DOES NOT mean forgetting. If it did, we would set ourselves up to continually be hurt and even abused. âForgettingâ means NOT bringing up a past, dealt with, healed-over situation and using it as a weapon against our spouse.
- You donât have to wait to be asked for forgiveness to forgive your spouse.
Forgiving your spouse is also FOR YOU so that you remain healthy and donât become bitter and resentful. (Treating them as forgiven might be the thing that causes them to realize how they hurt you. Even if it doesnât – forgive anyway so YOU can move forward!)
- Forgiveness can be a way that we take back control of our life from a spouseâs failings, from a past hurt, an unresolved issue, or even an ongoing situation. What we wonât forgive controls us.
- Forgiveness DOES NOT mean that we donât work with our spouse to understand what went wrong and work together to avoid it happening in the future.
- Forgiveness is made tangible by the relationship being restored and going back to normal as if your spouse had never messed up in the first place. But…
- Forgiveness DOES NOT mean all consequences are automatically erased. If your spouse betrayed your trust, you might truly forgive them, but there will still be things they need to do to rebuild trust over time. This DOES NOT mean they are not forgiven.
Forgiveness takes us to the very core of what it means to love someone. It isnât easy. Do we sacrifice ourselves or do we protect ourselves? Thatâs a hard question that we live out day by day in our marriage. I do know that there is no formula or equation and that Love realizes the ledger will never be balanced, but forgives anyway.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1â800â799â7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Looking for more marriage resources? Click here!
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âI have a dilemma.â An old co-worker mused as we headed back to the office after a quick lunch date, reconnecting after I had recently changed jobs.
âOh yeah? Whatâs that?â I asked, but the tone of his voice already raised a red flag in the form of my quickening pulse and intuition that his answer was going to change everything.
âYeah⊠You.â
And there it was. The unspoken attraction, the endless flirtations, the lighthearted jokes were suddenly in question. Was he serious? But he was married. And I was marriedâHAPPILY married, in fact. So I told myself, âNo⊠weâre just friends. Heâs just sad we donât work together anymore.â
But then the emails got more suggestive and the text messages ramped up. Weâd send each other smiling selfies at work with accompanying messages about how we missed each other. We started exchanging songs with lyrics that implied more intimate feelings were evolving in our friendship.
I didnât know how to handle what was unfolding.
I loved my husband with all my heart, but I didnât want to lose the friendship (or, if Iâm honest, the attention/validation) of this other person. So I eased my guilt by convincing myself that it didnât really mean anything. We were still just joking, not being serious.
However, with each passing day, the anticipation of another text from him grew and grew. My heart skipped a beat when his name appeared in my inbox. I started having vivid dreams about being physical with him. Consequently, I became more irritated at my husband. It made me anxious when he was near my phone, afraid he would see or read something that heâd question.
The guilt of secrecy weighed on my chest.
So I feverishly googled âEmotional Affairsâ to see if thatâs what this was… even though we didnât really share intimate details about our lives. In fact, we didnât confide in one another at all or even lean on each other for emotional support. But we connected on some unspoken level. And it was having a serious impact on my daily life – I could think of nothing else.
Thatâs when it hit me like a ton of bricks. The way I was acting was so disrespectful to my husband and our marriage. How I was acting was telling people something completely different than the truth. It was saying I was unhappy and unfulfilled in my marriage, that I didnât really love my husband. When I realized that my actions were painting a false reality of my marriage, I knew something had to be done. Even though I hadnât physically cheated, all the texts and emails were harmful and inappropriate, just the same.
So I took steps to set things right:
- I admitted it. Shame can only exist in secret. When I was able to voice what was really going on, all the complexities of why I allowed it to go as far as it did and how I had realized the line had been crossed, the shame that surrounded the entire situation dissipated.
- I stopped it. I wrote my ex-coworker a lengthy email telling him our friendship crossed a line and that I felt it seemed unfair to ourselves and our spouses to continue it. Then I let him know that I had told my husband and encouraged him to tell his wife and take time refocusing on his marriage too.
- I set personal boundaries: Hindsight is 20/20, so I was able to look at my mistakes and create a guide for boundaries in future opposite-sex friendships. Such as, I will never write another man something that I wouldnât want my husband to read.
- I reinvested in my marriage. Obviously no marriage achieves perfectionâthereâs always work to be done. With my energy and attention refocused on my husband, we grew stronger, together.
Was any of this easy? Not at all. Was it necessary? Absolutely.
Looking back, yes, I was having an emotional affair. (Although at the time, my misconception about what constituted as an emotional affair made me deny it wholeheartedly. A line crossed, sure. But an AFFAIR. No way. The label was too strong, it had too many horrible implications.) Ending it before it went any further was emotionally exhausting. I felt everything from embarrassment and anger to guilt and shame to relief and hopefulness. And honestly, it took longer than I expected to let that relationship go completely. But I donât regret it at all. Ultimately, I came out stronger, wiser and more in love with my husband than ever before.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1â800â799â7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Image from Unsplash.com
