6 Ways to Deal with Emotional Pain
Have you been to the doctor’s office or emergency room and they asked you to rate your pain on a scale of 1 to 10? I really stress out over this question and probably way overthink it. I want to know what a 1 or a 10 stands for so I can answer accurately. If I am going to be healthy – physically and emotionally, I better answer honestly. People are counting on me.
After 31 surgeries in the past couple of decades, and surgery 32 right around the corner, I have probably been asked to rate my pain hundreds of times. Hundreds. By doctors, nurses, anesthesiologists, physical therapists, mental health professionals. Sometimes it’s hard to pin an exact number to your pain, but you know when it’s there. What do you do with yours?
Over the years, I’ve learned the patterns of my pain. For me, physical pain usually leads me to emotional pain like loneliness or depression. When I’m depressed, I’m more likely to do something like skip physical therapy which then prolongs my recovery time which only makes me more depressed. And the downward spiral spins…
If I am going to have a healthy relationship with myself (and my family, friends, neighbors and co-workers) it begins when I answer these questions honestly…
How would you rate… your pain today Mr. Daum, on a scale of 1 to 10? How would you rate your…
Depression…
Anxiety…
Anger…
Stress…
Loneliness…
It is so tempting to ignore or downplay our pain. Are you honest about yours?
Call in the Professionals.
Whether your pain is physical or emotional, know when to get help. Some problems are just bigger than you are. Don’t be a hero. Don’t let it paralyze you. Do not let it make you do something you’ll regret. Don’t pretend your anger is a 2 when you are at a 9. There is nothing wrong with calling in the pros.
Laugh.
Seriously, laughter is the best medicine. Mock your pain by laughing at it. Take some of its power over you away. If the people around you see that you can joke through your struggles, it puts them at ease, too. (This doesn’t mean you don’t take it seriously, just that you won’t let it steal your smile.)
Perspective.
All the perspective. True, sometimes the pain that you are feeling is the Worst Pain in the Whole Entire Universe to you in the moment, BUT there is always someone out there who would trade problems with you in a second. That doesn’t make your problems magically go away, but it gives you perspective.
Embrace the Pain.
This one is a tougher sell. Work with me here. There is a huge upside to pain. Whether it is physical or emotional, your pain is trying to teach you something. Pain is a strict teacher, but it teaches some of life’s most important lessons. Lean into the pain. Be open to the lessons. Be grateful for them…
Keep It Real.
If someone asks how I feel, I usually tell them. They asked. (You don’t have to dump EVERYTHING on them, but you’ll soon learn that your Brave Face doesn’t help anyone.) At least have one or two people in your life that you can be real with about how you feel when you are hurting or depressed or angry or stressed. These are people who will let you vent, not be dismissive, listen for a while, but then help you get centered and refocused again. These people are your angels.
Prevention.
Listen to this, the cool thing is that a lot of what keeps us healthy physically also helps keep us healthy emotionally. Good sleep. Exercise. Eating healthy. Getting out in the sun. Spending time with friends and loved ones. Gratitude. Check-ups with professionals. Listen: The absolute best pain, physically and emotionally, is the pain that you avoid.
On A Scale Of 1 to 10, How Honest Are You About Your Pain?
For more resources, see our Self-Care page here.
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What, exactly, were you expecting when you got married? Did you expect marriage and your spouse to make you happy?
Are you on the verge of stepping across the line into the world of marriage with your beloved? What do you expect when you get there? Are you expecting your “happily ever after?”
If you’re like me, I had all kinds of aspirations about traveling the world with my wife, going on endless adventures. It was going to be tons of fun! We would be so happy! But of course, real-life quickly set in, and we came to understand these weren’t the most realistic expectations we could have.
Great expectations in marriage make a marriage, well… great! Expectations give you hope for a fulfilling and enjoyable relationship. And who doesn’t want that? I’ve never talked to any couples who desired a less-than-happy marriage together.
But there’s often a very fine line, though, between great expectations and unrealistic expectations. And unrealistic expectations make marriage—you guessed it—unrealistic. So these unrealistic expectations, often unspoken, wreak all kinds of havoc on the marriage.
And ironically, what is the biggest and most popular of all unrealistic marital expectations? Expecting your spouse to make you happy.
Yup, you heard me right.
Every married person wants their spouse to be happy. But a married person can’t control their spouse’s happiness. If your partner feels pressure from you to be the sole provider of your happiness, that pressure will eventually cause damage. You will always be looking for something from your spouse that he or she can never provide enough to satisfy you, leaving you in a constant state of frustration. Your spouse will always have a weight on their shoulders – a sense of inadequacy and failure.
This is such an unrealistic expectation because happiness is a complicated thing—it is a combination of genetics, circumstances, and decisions you make, not a reality your spouse can manage and maintain. Making your spouse your Happiness Manager sets him or her up to fail at something they weren’t meant to do.
The fact of the matter is, life is full of ups and downs, unexpected turns in the road, and bouts of chaos- happiness is never a guarantee. And life in this regard does not change once you are married. Marriage does not solve problems, alleviate stress, cure addiction, create balance, nor give enlightenment. Marriage is not an automatic happiness dispenser. Therefore, your spouse is not—and cannot be—your source of happiness in life.
Author Gary Chapman calls these kinds of expectations “If Onlys.” If only my spouse would work less… If only my spouse would lose weight… If only my spouse would wash the dishes, take out the trash… Then he/she would make me happy…
So how do you go about reversing these unrealistic expectations?
First, ask, “Where is this coming from? What is it that makes me think my spouse should provide my happiness?” These kinds of expectations usually come from something in your past – maybe some kind of unmet need that you’ve experienced earlier in your life. Or maybe they come from our culture, our circle of friends, or maybe even social media.
When you start recognizing the source, you take the pressure off your spouse for “fixing things” and “making you happy” and “making everything alright,” and you can put energy toward resolving the source of that need for happiness and getting it in perspective.
Another way to counteract this unrealistic expectation is to start recognizing marital expectations that are truly realistic and healthy.
Dr. John Gottman lists several marital expectations that healthy couples aspire to in their relationship:
- Be good friends.
- Have a satisfying sex life.
- Trust one another.
- Be fully committed to one another.
- Manage conflict constructively – arrive at a mutual understanding and get to compromises that work.
- Repair effectively when one hurts the other.
- Honor one another’s dreams, even if they’re different.
- Create a shared meaning system with shared values and ethics, beliefs, rituals, and goals.
- Agree about fundamental symbols like what a home is, what love is, and how to raise children.
These are good, healthy, realistic expectations to aim for. And they are hard enough.
One thing to remember—just because it’s unrealistic that our spouse provides all our happiness doesn’t mean that a fulfilling, remarkable marriage isn’t attainable. When you turn toward your spouse‘s needs and focus on them—you find true marital joy and fulfillment is much more within your reach. Now you have found true happiness!
Looking for more marriage resources? Click here!
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Multigenerational communication is hard. “You got an iPhone?” said the millennial to her grandmother. “Why did you get an iPhone? You don’t need a smartphone. Do you even know how to text? I think you should just stick with making phone calls.”
“Yes, I got an iPhone. And, I do too need an iPhone if I’m going to keep up with you and everybody else. I can learn to text,” said the grandmother in an exasperated tone.
“This ought to be interesting,” the millennial said under her breath as she rolled her eyes.
You have more than likely experienced a conversation with someone from a different generation about communication these days yourself. It may have been about tone of voice, facial expressions, body language, paper versus electronic means, or any number of things.
While it seems that most generations may have a preferred method of communication, it doesn’t mean that people aren’t capable of adapting and adjusting in order to keep the lines of communication open.
Perhaps the place where communication differences seem to be magnified and often collide is in the workplace, where at least four generations typically work together. Some have five, which can definitely make for some interesting communication dynamics. This is especially true as communication methods have expanded in recent years.
Here’s a quick look at communication preferences by generation:
- Baby boomers tend to appreciate face-to-face and personal interaction, which often drives millennials crazy.
- Gen Xers want direct and immediate communication. They are content with email, but get really excited if you allow them to express themselves with a whiteboard.
- When it comes to millennials, instant messages, texts and communicating through social media are the order of the day. And, if they do call you and you don’t answer, don’t look for them to leave you a message because that’s not typically in their DNA.
Needless to say, there is plenty of room for miscommunication.
Here’s the kicker: not everyone fits “the mold” when it comes to the way they communicate to their peers and across the generations. This is why we need to guard against making assumptions about a co-worker or a grandmother just because they hail from a certain generation. Plenty of people have said, “I’m a millennial, but I communicate more like a Gen Xer.”
There are several keys to effective communication between the generations:
- Remember that no one on the planet is a good mind reader. Get to know the people around you and their communication preferences. Be willing to flex and get out of your communication comfort zone. Ask, but don’t assume you know how a person wants to be communicated with.
- Value the differences. Instead of looking down on one generation or the other for the way they prefer to communicate, seek to see things from their perspective. Their preferences make perfect sense to them. For example, no matter the age, most people appreciate receiving a card or handwritten letter in the mail. At the same time, a quick text saying, “I’m thinking about you and hope you have a great day,” typically will bring a smile to the recipient’s face. Neither one is wrong, just different.
- Be willing to learn and engage with others’ communication preferences and teach them about yours. Making the effort shows that you care.
Communication differences have always existed, and there have always been barriers, whether it was having to pay for a long-distance call or waiting on a long-anticipated letter.
Even though technology has made it faster, and in some cases easier to connect, it has also amplified our imperfections and heightened anxiety when it comes to communicating with others. Think being in the middle of a conversation and your watch starts vibrating because you have a call coming in. Resisting the urge to look creates anxiety and distracts you from the conversation at hand.
Good communication skills can be learned and fine-tuned, and we can all grow together in this area. If you want to be a better communicator, take the time to observe, listen and ask questions without assuming your way is the best or the only way. It can truly enrich your relationships with family, friends and co-workers.
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Cheating is the ultimate violation of marital trust. It can destroy families and ruin lives. The bottom line is that if you are even wondering about your spouse’s faithfulness, at minimum, there is some important relationship work to be done!
In general, is there a lot of cheating going on? Is there a “cheating type?” Despite numerous studies, there isn’t a dependable predictor of infidelity. It is also very difficult to find reliable statistics related to just how much cheating is going on for two main reasons: (1.) Cheating is by definition very secretive and most surveys rely on self-reporting; and more importantly, (2.) People define “cheating” in a variety of ways. So, let’s begin by asking what you mean by “cheating?”
- You are uncomfortable with how close your spouse is with a friend or co-worker.
- You believe your spouse is involved in an “emotional affair.” They are getting their emotional needs met by someone other than you.
- Cyber Cheating – Inappropriate, often sexual, texts, pictures, and videos being exchanged electronically with someone.
- Social Media Cheating – They are connecting with exes and others on social media and sharing things that should only be shared with you.
- Full-blown secretive sexual relationships.
If you suspect your spouse is cheating on you, here are a few things to think through:
- Sometimes a spouse IS NOT cheating and the issue is our own insecurities. This requires some introspection and a healthy conversation, not a bold accusation. (Be careful with click-bait nonsense on the internet. “Is he hitting the gym and dressing nicer? THEN HE MUST BE CHEATING!” Um, not necessarily.)
- Is it possible that you have never discussed healthy boundaries in your marriage? (For example, have you and your spouse talked about being friends with exes on social media and what is appropriate to share? They may have no clue that you consider that cheating.)
- There is so much misinformation out there about infidelity. Be careful. Having said that, and this might seem contradictory, sometimes, you just know.
- If you are convinced you are with a cheater, DO NOT confront them immediately and DO NOT confront them without rock-solid evidence. (At best, accusations will just be met with denial and arguing. At worst, you will have just taught them to cover their tracks better.)
- If at all possible, and I can’t stress this enough, KNOW the correct answers to questions BEFORE you ask them. This is not a “trick” or a “trap.” This is gauging their level of honesty. You might find out that they are willing to be completely honest with you. That’s a good sign! Along those same lines, your spouse DOES NOT need to know everything that you know at this point.
Here Are Some Practical Tips On How To Deal
Keep track of everything and begin gathering information immediately.
- Phones, laptops, iPads. (There almost always is an electronic trail left by an affair. Smartphones are the best way for cheaters to cheat but also the best way for cheaters to be caught. Cheaters are often very possessive of their phones, but you can begin looking closely at your phone records (Use your phone carrier app.) which are often very detailed. Is there a number that you don’t recognize that appears a lot or at strange times? Note that. Do you see data [photos/videos/social media] exchanged frequently and at odd times? Note that. Did they text/call to change plans with you or tell you they had to work late? Note time and date. What is the next number that they text/call?
- Begin being very aware of time and money. Affairs have to take place somewhere, sometime and they have to be paid for. Has there been a change in how s/he spends their time? Their money? Your bank records are your best friend here. Compare them with where s/he says they are and what they say they are doing. Have there suddenly been a lot of late meetings at work? Does your spouse suddenly have to travel a lot more? Check the bank records! Have they suddenly taken up a new hobby that keeps them out for hours? (REMEMBER: This could be the truth and it could confirm that there isn’t anything going on!)
- Sometimes you need to bring in the Big Guns. Cheating is a big problem, but catching cheaters is a big business. Just Google it. You have tons of resources at your disposal! Options range from reverse phone number lookups to programs and apps that monitor and report a variety of digital activities. Some of these options obviously raise privacy issues and you need to check the laws in your state. But, yeah, you have options and you don’t have to be super tech-savvy to use them.
Again, be careful with drawing conclusions based on the internet articles you find!
I recently saw a “Top 10 Signs Your Spouse Is Cheating!” list online that contained this gem: “Significantly less, or more, or different sex in your relationship.” Less, more or different? Um, okay. Well, that can mean a lot of things!
Let’s say that you’ve absolutely confirmed the affair. I am truly sorry. Please take care of yourself. Look up Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder. It’s real.
So, what does this mean for your marriage?
- Is the cheating spouse willing to apologize, seek forgiveness, and completely break off the relationship? (I have heard of cheating spouses that quit jobs to distance themselves from a co-worker they were involved with. What a bold gesture to rebuild trust!)
- What was the nature of the infidelity? (Strictly emotional, a “one-night stand,” or a two-year illicit relationship? Each can present very different challenges, BUT marriages can and do survive ALL types of infidelity.)
- What is the general health of the marriage? How long have you been married? Do you have children?
- How do each of you individually and both of you as a couple choose to deal with and heal from this? That’s right, choose. Are you BOTH* willing to be honest about your marital relationship? BOTH willing to make changes and set healthy boundaries? Are BOTH willing to get professional help? BOTH willing to be patient and allow the time and do the work for healing to take place? Do you BOTH have accountability partners and a support system? All of this is critical.
*Maybe you don’t like my use of the word “both” here, after all, it is your spouse having the affair, not you. I understand, but please don’t play the Insurance Adjuster Blame Game. It isn’t about finding whether the marital fault is 60/40, 80/20, 90/10 or whatever. (And it rarely, if ever, is 100/0.) If you want your marriage to grow through this unbelievably tough time, BOTH of you have changes to make and work to do! But you can do it!
There is hope! Check this out, there is a large body of research that indicates that it is usually NOT the actual infidelity that destroys the marriage; it is how each spouse responds to the infidelity that determines if the marriage will survive and even thrive!
If you don’t want to hear this now, I get it, but I have heard so many couples report that infidelity actually saved their marriage, yes saved it by forcing them to realize that they had to make significant personal changes and relate to each other in healthier ways. You absolutely deserve honesty and faithfulness! Do not settle for less. But please realize that broken bones, when healed, are twice as strong.
For more resources, see our Married Couples page here.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
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Controlling your emotions is hard, regardless of your age. When you’re in the checkout line at the store and a 2-year-old has a meltdown because they can’t have a candy bar, nobody is shocked because well, they are two. It’s totally another story when an adult who is unable to regulate their emotions has a public meltdown.
Unfortunately, a rising number of teens and adults seem to be struggling with emotional and impulse control, and the results are often disastrous. Think road rage, someone cutting in line or even publicly expressing a different opinion in a rude manner.
The Child Mind Institute defines self-regulation as the ability to manage emotions and behavior in accordance with situational demands. Consider it a skill set that enables children, as they mature. It directs their own behavior toward a goal, despite the unpredictability of the world and their own feelings.
It includes:
- Being able to resist highly-emotional reactions to upsetting stimuli,
- Calming yourself down if you get upset,
- Adjusting to a change in expectations, and
- Handling frustration without an outburst.
Children who don’t learn this skill struggle to self-regulate as they get older. And, if you’ve ever experienced this out-of-control feeling, you know it’s not a good thing. Often controlling your emotions feels the same. There is good news, though. If you didn’t learn this skill as a child, it is still possible to learn it as an adult.
Your emotional brain processes information in two milliseconds. Keeping yourself under control during a frustrating experience involves being able to pause between the feeling and your response.
There is a trigger; someone pushes your buttons (we all have an easy button). An instant reaction follows, accompanied by a strong emotion, often followed by a feeling of remorse. This is the body’s automatic built-in protection system, AKA “fight, flight or freeze.”
Your rational brain, which helps you make sound decisions, processes information in 500 milliseconds, 250 times longer than your emotional brain. People have to learn how to assess situations quickly, but if they don’t pause long enough to discern what is actually happening, their emotional brain can take control before their rational brain has a chance to kick into gear.
If you or someone you know struggles with self-regulation, it’s not too late! You just have to be intentional about choosing to behave differently.
Think about what you can control and what you cannot. You cannot control how other people behave, but you can choose how you will respond or engage with them. Sometimes, the best response is to do nothing.
Learn how to master your feelings, versus letting them master you will serve you well. For example, when someone cuts you off when you’re driving, you suddenly feel your heart rate go up, adrenaline starts flowing, and your first instinct is to go after them. However, if you practice emotional regulation, you can take a breath, even acknowledge that that makes you angry, but then let it go because the consequences of your actions could bring harm to you, that driver and others who never involved themselves.
This should not be interpreted as people not being able to stand up for themselves or being silenced. Instead, learning how to master controlling your emotions can help people develop calm and constructive ways to have their voice heard. When people are out of control, it’s highly unlikely that anything positive will come from the situation.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Looking for relationship resources? Click here!
If you are 50 or older and have been married for 30 years or more, the latest headlines about gray divorce might have you wondering if your marriage is in trouble and you don’t even know it.
Articles from Pew Research Center, the Wall Street Journal and other publications with titles like, Led by Baby Boomers, Divorce Rates Climb for America’s 50+ Population, and The Divorce Rate is at a 40-Year-Low, Unless You’re 55 or Older, seem to be painting a grim picture.
Should people start worrying?
Professors Naomi Cahn at the George Washington University Law School and June Carbone at the University of Minnesota Law School, looked at the latest research on this topic. They say the divorce rate is still not all that high for those over the age of 50.
In 1990, five out of every 1,000 married people divorced. In 2010, 10 out of every 1,000 married people divorced. Although the rate has risen more dramatically for those over the age of 50, Cahn and Carbone say it is still half the rate of those younger than 50.
One might think older couples divorce because children finally leave the nest, or because people live longer and just get bored in marriage. That doesn’t appear to be the case, however.
According to research from the National Center for Family and Marriage at Bowling Green State University:
- Couples who own property together and couples with over $250,000 in assets were less likely to divorce.
- Couples married 40 years or more were the least likely to end up divorced.
- Gray divorce was almost three times higher for remarried couples compared to first-time married couples.
While property, wealth and the absence of previous marriage may be protective factors, couples can do other things to help their marriage last.
- Friendship matters. No matter how many years you have stayed married, continue to grow the friendship between the two of you.
- Be nice. People often are nicer to those on the outside than the ones they say they care about most. Pay attention to how you treat the one you love.
- Seek to navigate the tough times together. A job loss, death of a parent or some other transition can be really hard. Instead of trying to navigate it on your own, talking about what you need during a rough patch can help your spouse know the most helpful ways to offer support.
- Be adventurous. When you’ve been together a long time, it’s easy to find yourselves in a comfortable, yet unfulfilling rut. Look for opportunities to do something out of the ordinary.
- Keep the conversations going. Some people who have stayed married for decades complete each other’s sentences and know what the other needs without having to ask. Plenty of research indicates that long-term, happily-married couples know that part of the “happily-married” secret includes continuing to talk about a variety of topics that interest them.
It is true that more people are throwing in the towel on marriage later in life. And gray divorce is on the rise.
However, those who understand that just because you have traveled the road for a long time doesn’t mean you can put it on cruise control or take your hands off the wheel are much more likely to reach the end of their journey together.
Looking for more marriage resources? Click here!
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
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Is it even possible to fight nice with your spouse?
When my kids were younger and they disagreed (or worse) I would tell them, “Boys, fight nice!”
This always got concerned looks from any other parents hanging around. “Shouldn’t you be telling them not to fight?”
“Nope,” I would stand my ground. “I want them to learn how to fight constructively, how to fight fair, to learn how to compromise and work it out themselves. To fight nice.”
Do you and your spouse fight nice?
You are both individuals with different personalities, opinions, likes and dislikes, and needs. Disagreements should be expected and viewed as natural and healthy. There may be some things that you never agree on, and that’s OK. It’s good to ask, “Is this really a problem to be solved, or a tension to be managed throughout our marriage?” That question can be a helpful fight-stopper.
So how do the two of you as a couple currently navigate those inevitable disagreements? Maybe you guys get loud and animated. OK, some people are just loud and animated. That can be completely different than being intimidating, mean, spiteful and hurtful. That’s definitely NOT fighting nice. (Sometimes talking about how your parents handled disagreements when you were growing up can be illuminating to how you yourself – and your spouse – currently handle a disagreement.)
To The People Who Claim They Never Fight With Their Spouse
Was your wedding like, yesterday? (I’m still skeptical…)
You never fight? Really? Never? Maybe you are hung up on the word “fight.” Do you ever argue? Disagree passionately? Discuss heatedly? OK. Interesting.
Well, let me ask you this: Do you make decisions jointly? Do you ever discuss money or sex or parenting? Do both of you have power and a voice in the relationship?
Often, when couples say they never fight, it isn’t because they are both just super-ultra-mega nice or they have the “perfect” marriage. Usually, the dynamics of those relationships involve one person who dominates all the decision-making and one person that just bottles everything up and goes along. One spouse has the power, has the voice in the relationship, and the other spouse has neither. That’s not a healthy relationship. Learn to fight nice. It can actually strengthen your marriage.
Here’s another great question to ask yourselves: “Is it the two of us against the problem, or the two of us against each other?” This question alone can change the trajectory of each issue, and ultimately, your marriage!
Even if you do answer these questions openly and honestly with yourself and your spouse, conflict will always be there. Fights will still happen. So what do you do when they come? Here are 10 rules you and your spouse can follow so that you can fight nice:
10 Rules For Fighting Nice
- Keep it about the problem, not the person.
- Don’t use words like “never” or “always.” It’s never true.
- Don’t intimidate, manipulate, or threaten your spouse.
- It should NEVER get physical. That’s domestic violence.
- Winning the argument isn’t worth losing your spouse.
- Don’t bring up past, settled issues or re-open healed wounds.
- Make sure BOTH of you have space to express yourself and feel heard.
- Compromise. You both should feel like you gave a little and got a little.
- Apologize and forgive. (Maybe some of the fighting wasn’t so nice.)
- End by reaffirming your love for each other. When the fight finishes, consider it done.
Remember – disagreements, debates, arguments, heated discussions, even good ol’ fashioned fights are part of every marriage.
It might seem impossible in the heat of the moment, but they can be an opportunity to grow closer together and don’t have to drive you apart. The key is how you handle them. Sometime when both of you are calm cool and collected, have a conversation and agree to some rules for fightin’ nice.
Looking for more marriage resources? Click here!
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
“Happy anniversary!” she said as she threw a gift to (at) me while I laid in bed watching television. My wife had waited until midnight on our anniversary just to make absolutely certain that I had forgotten our special day.
You’ve seen it in a movie or on television- someone has forgotten their wedding anniversary (ALWAYS the husband) and at the last minute they try to save face and come up with some gift or at least a sorry excuse to get out of it. Well, my wife had obviously seen those shows, too – and she vindictively made sure I had no chance whatsoever.
As the clock struck midnight, the day had come and gone and I was officially THAT husband.
Was she angry and hurt? Absolutely, and justifiably so! Did I feel awful? You bet. Was our relationship um… tense for a while? Oh, you better believe it. Listen, in over 25 years of marriage, we have hurt each other in far worse ways. We have left scars. We laugh about The Forgotten Anniversary now, but we have done some things to each other that are absolutely not funny. Heck, we have both done things that many people these days would say are easily divorce-worthy.
But we are still together and happy and closer than ever. Our relationship has been strengthened by working through those hard, sometimes heartbreaking difficulties. We’ve bent but have never broken.
You see, from Day 1, we agreed that the “D word,” divorce, was not an option. It just wasn’t ever on the table.
We know we are not alone in our struggles. Have you ever thought any of the following in your marriage?
- This used to be fun. It isn’t fun anymore.
- We’ve just grown apart, simple as that.
- I just don’t feel it anymore.
- The romance, the warm, fuzzy feeling is gone.
- I wish my husband/wife was more like _______.
- I fell in love but now I’ve fallen out of it.
- Marriage just isn’t what I expected or hoped it would be.
- Maybe we both would be happier starting over with other people.
I’ll be honest – at some point I have thought ALL of those thoughts. I’m pretty sure my wife has also. (I’m too afraid to ask and confirm it. Why stir the pot, right?) Yet we have hung in there for 25 years, sometimes just surviving, other times thriving. How do we do it? Have we cracked the “marriage code?” Are we special? Nope.
We survived because we both agreed that divorce was never going to be an option. It just wasn’t ever even a consideration. We wouldn’t let it happen.
So… that just leaves a lot of intentional, hard work:
- Learning how to manage conflict and how to communicate.
- Learning that love is an action, not a feeling.
- Having friends that are for your marriage.
- Learning to say things like “Sorry” and “I forgive you.”
- Having older couples as mentors.
- Not keeping score and not looking to “even” it.
So many marriages are built on a wishbone.
I wish he was different, I wish our marriage was more fun, I wish she would change, I wish I still felt that romance. I wish, I wish, I wish. But there is no “marital wishbone.” Wishbones won’t support you, especially during the hard times.
Instead, you need a “marital backbone.”
Backbone means, I understand no marriage is perfect and no person is perfect, even me. Backbone means we will keep working at it, get help, hang in there and have the hard conversations. It remembers that we made promises to each other. Most of all, marital backbone means doing the loving thing – even when we absolutely don’t feel like it.
(Yes, even when he forgets your anniversary.)
Marriage can be hard work. But what if you put your backbone into it?
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
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