How to Choose a Christmas Gift for Your Wife
‘Twas four days before Christmas when all through the house, no one was stirring, not even your spouse. Stockings were hung by the chimney with care. What should you get her? Buyer beware!
Your wife all nestled snug in your bed while visions of diamonds danced in her head. The dog had his bone in front of the fire while you shopped online before you retired. So many choices. What do you see? “A blender, a vacuum or something for me!”
On Christmas morn, you’ll awake to a clatter and spring from your bed to see what’s the matter. When what to your wondering eyes will appear, your wife with a look that is very clear…
We’ve all heard horror stories of gift-giving gone bad. One newlywed, recalling the look on her mother’s face when she received an appliance for Christmas, told her husband if she could use it in the kitchen or for cleaning the house, it did not qualify as a Christmas present.
Believe it or not, she’s not alone. Most women say if it’s practical, it isn’t something you should give as a gift.
December 25 will be here before you know it, but it’s not too late for you to find a great Christmas gift for your wife.
Remember, men and women think differently.
When choosing a gift for your mate, consider how she will interpret the meaning behind your gift.
When in doubt, ask one of her friends or don’t run the risk. What men often don’t understand about gift buying is this: Women see the creativity, effort and gift itself as a direct reflection of how much her husband loves her. Men see a gift as a gift.
Whether you think it makes sense or not, there is a lot riding on gifts in general. So if you aren’t planning on taking up residence on the family room couch, you might want to take your gift buying seriously.
Be a good understudy to your wife.
Listen carefully to what she says. Pay attention to the things she enjoys and the way she spends her time. Does she like to cook, garden, sew, read, run, knit, go to the movies or ride bikes? You might even ask your wife for a list of things she would like as a Christmas gift. With a little investigative work, you can uncover some helpful hints to guide you in your gift-buying.
When some women were asked what they would like for Christmas from their husbands, here’s what they said:
- Buy a gift certificate for a massage, manicure or pedicure.
- Make plans to take the children out for the evening, allowing your wife to stay at home in peace and quiet.
- Purchase a gift certificate to her favorite restaurant for a date night.
- Plan a romantic getaway and take care of all the details. Give her hints about where she will be going and what she needs to bring for your getaway.
In case you are still struggling a bit, here are some more helpful hints to help you find a Christmas gift for your wife:
- Purchase some of her favorite “go-to” items like special lotion, fragrance, candles, books, tea, and/or coffee.
- Plan a surprise date night to see a play or concert. (Don’t forget to line up the babysitter. It’s not a real date if the person receiving the gift has to do the work to make it happen.)
- Do you have a crafty skill like woodworking or making stained glass? She might enjoy something you made specifically with her in mind.
- If finances are an issue, believe it or not, a handwritten letter expressing your love for her and how she makes your life rich is a priceless gift.
- Throw practical out the window. This is the time you give something that you know your wife would never purchase for herself.
- Take her on a window shopping date and pay attention to what catches her eye.
If all else fails and you’re still at a loss, ask her to go with you on a shopping spree to find the perfect gift.
If you already have her gift, you could start having a little fun now and leave clues in unusual places where you know she will find them. Creating anticipation can make the gift seem even more special.
So…with a gleam in your eye and a plan in your head, you know that you have nothing to dread. Your wife will proclaim with a smile shining bright, “Merry Christmas, honey. You got it just right!”
Relationships are not always easy. Whether you’re trying to understand your mate or learning what makes your child tick, the drama and energy it takes can be frustrating. We’ve all been there!
Dr. Gary Chapman, author The Five Love Languages and The Family You’ve Always Wanted, shares about his own struggles during his early years of marriage. What he learned through the years impacted his own marriage and family.
“When we got married, I thought things would be great,” says Chapman. “What I missed was that my wife is very social. I was still in school and studied most evenings. I assumed she would sit on the couch and read while I studied. That was not the case. She wanted to be around other people. I also assumed that when I was ready to go to bed we would go to bed together.”
It didn’t take long for the Chapmans to experience extreme unhappiness in their marriage. Their response to the unhappiness was to point out each other’s faults.
“We were so angry that we spent a lot of time trying to annihilate each other with our words and actions,” Chapman says. “At some point it occurred to me that I had entered our relationship with a very conceited, self-centered attitude. I thought that whatever made me happy would make Karolyn happy. In reality, I spent little time thinking about my wife’s needs and a lot of time focused on my unmet needs and desires.”
Over time, Chapman realized he would need to do some things differently if he wanted to improve his marriage.
“At the lowest point in our marriage we were so estranged that we could not even talk about our relationship,” Chapman says. “That’s when I decided to take action. I decided to stop waiting on her to change. I changed my behavior.”
It started with making the decision to serve.
“Instead of talking at my wife and getting angrier with her at all that she was not doing for me, I began to quietly respond to my wife’s requests for help with laundry, chores and other things,” Chapman says. “In a few months, her attitude toward me had softened. I actually started feeling love toward her for the first time in a very long time. Instead of enemies living under the same roof, it felt like we were falling in love with each other all over again.”
The early years of the Chapmans’ marriage were rocky and seemed hopeless. But instead of ending in divorce, their marriage is healthy and thriving more than 50 years later. It’s all because one person chose to adjust.
One of the keys to a healthy family is asking yourself a question: Are you willing and ready to fight for your family by being the one to make a change?
Oh, wait—there’s more to the story! Read it here.
Miss part 1? Don’t worry—you can read it here!
It did not take Dr. Chapman long to realize that having an attitude of service toward his wife transformed and actually saved his marriage. As a result, serving others became a core value in their relationship. And when children came along, the Chapmans were intentional about instilling this value into their lives.
“We played a couple of games at the dinner table that focused on service,” says Chapman. “One game asked each family member to share one way they had served another family member that day. The recipient of the act of service responded by saying, ‘I really appreciate that.’”
When the children were older, in order to teach them the importance of serving outside the family, the Chapmans loaded the kids in the car and looked for opportunities to serve.
“In the fall, we would search for yards that needed to be raked,” Chapman says. “I knocked on the door and explained that I was trying to teach my children about serving others and asked permission to rake their yard. I don’t think anybody ever turned down my offer. Some wanted to pay us, but I said no, explaining we weren’t working for pay. I want my kids to grow up understanding that life is about serving others.”
Healthy families are characterized by an attitude of service.
Imagine the impact it could have on the community if that attitude prevailed.
In a healthy family, there is intimacy between husband and wife.
“When people hear the word intimacy, they usually think sex,” Chapman says. “Intimacy between a couple should include intellectual, emotional, spiritual and sexual intimacy.”
Chapman recommends that couples make time to share daily two or three things that happened in their life and how they felt about it. Couples often go for days without sharing, but it’s impossible to have intimacy if you never connect.
In a healthy family, parents teach and train their children so that the children will learn to obey and in turn honor their parents.
“Three-year-olds are not to be running families,” Chapman says. “If your children don’t learn to obey you, they may never learn to honor you or learn to obey civil laws. If they see you abiding by the laws, they are more likely to live by them.”
In healthy families, husbands lovingly lead their family.
“I have learned three important questions to ask my wife in my quest to lead well,” Chapman says. “What can I do to help you? How can I make your life easier? And, how can I be a better husband to you? You have to view your wife as your partner and place her above fishing, golf and football. Love her unconditionally and be intentional about discovering and meeting her needs.”
The closer your lifestyle comes to what you say you believe, the easier it is to respect you. The greater the distance between your lifestyle and what you say you believe, the more difficult it is to respect you as a leader.
Serving others, in the home and out, does a family good.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Have you ever thought or said these words after you said the vows “til death do us part”?
I just can’t take it anymore… We’ve grown apart… I love you as a friend, but I’m not in love with you anymore… You aren’t the person I married… Things change.
The crazy thing is, many happily married people also experience some of these feelings. It’s true. Sometimes you feel like you can’t take it anymore. Other times you may feel distant to your spouse. Over time, mates do change.
But do all these things have to shake the very foundation of your marriage? The answer is NO.
What makes it possible for first-time marriages to survive?
Marriage experts have found that couples who make their marriage work decide upfront that divorce is not an option. Although many couples who choose to divorce have challenges, their marriage probably could have been saved and in the long run been a happy one. Their fatal error in the relationship was leaving their options open. If the going got too tough, in their mind, divorce was always a way out.
You might be surprised to find this out, but research shows that divorce does not make you happier.
Does Divorce Make People Happy? Findings from a Study of Unhappy Marriages, conducted by the Institute for American Values, found that:
- Unhappily married adults who divorced or separated were no happier, on average, than unhappily married adults who stayed married.
- Unhappy marriages were less common than unhappy spouses.
- Staying married did not typically trap unhappy spouses in violent relationships.
- 2 out of 3 unhappily married adults who avoided divorce or separation ended up happily married five years later.
The bottom line is, you have to make a decision to stay at the table and be committed to making the marriage work. Here are some things to help you keep the vow: “til death do us part.”
- Learn skills to help keep your marriage on track. Research continues to show that couples who learn how to talk to each other, resolve conflict, manage their money, have appropriate expectations of the marriage, and build intimacy are significantly more likely to keep their marriage on track over time.
- Understand that the grass may look greener on the other side, but you still have to mow it. On the surface, someone may look better than the one you are with, but in truth, even beautiful sod eventually has onions, crabgrass, and clover if you don’t properly care for it. In most cases, people who have jumped the fence will testify that the grass is not greener, just different.
- Learn how to resolve conflict without threatening to leave the marriage. All couples have spats. Some yell; others talk things through. The common denominator for couples who keep their marriage on track is learning how to disagree with the best of them, but leaving the marriage is never an option.
- Stop using divorce as a crutch. Instead of throwing in the towel when the going gets tough, consider it a challenge to learn as much as you can about your mate and how you can effectively deal with adversity. Intentionally choose to love the one you’re with.
- Keep the big picture perspective. Sometimes it’s hard to see the forest for the trees. One woman described her 65-year marriage to a group of young people. She shared about seven years throughout the 65-year span that were really bad due to work conditions, children, lack of time together, the husband’s out of town job for a couple of years, etc. In the end, she asked herself, “Would I really want to trade 58 good years for seven bad years?” The answer was a resounding “No!” All marriages experience trials and tough moments. Don’t trade years of history for a couple of bad months or tough years.
- Make a plan for your marriage. Going into marriage without a plan is like playing a football game without memorizing the playbook. If you want to win, you’ll have team meetings, set goals, learn and relearn skills, learn how to lead and follow, and share responsibilities. And, you both need a copy of the playbook.
If you want a “til death do us part” marriage, you must learn the plays so you can execute them correctly and prepare to adapt in different situations. That takes time. When you understanding that there will be occasional setbacks, you can move toward the goal line and even score a few touchdowns. Teammates block for each other, throw the ball to one another, help each other up, and encourage perseverance when the going gets tough.
It has been said that individuals win games, but teamwork wins championships. So, make it your goal to have a championship marriage.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Do you want an awesome, amazing, mind-blowing marriage?
The answer to that question is usually a resounding YES! But, it’s quickly followed with something like, “I could only hope for that,” or “Only in my dreams.”
“Based on my experience as a counselor, I think a lot of people feel like they are sentenced to a life of boredom when they marry,” says Darlene Karst, counselor, marriage educator, and wife. “The reality is that could not be further from the truth … if you are willing to put effort into making your marriage fun, romantic, passionate, and intimate.”
It would be unusual for someone to be an exceptional mechanic, golfer, artist, or chef without training and a lot of practice. Yet people often expect to be excellent lovers and great at marriage overnight.
“The truth is, if you want to have an awesome, amazing, mind-blowing marriage, you have to set your mind to it and work to make it happen,” Karst says. “We might be in the middle of hard economic times, but that doesn’t mean it has to be tough on your marriage. You don’t need a lot of money to make your relationship more romantic and intimate.”
Karst suggests that there are certain things couples need to guard against because they are passion-killers in a marriage. When people think about passion and romance they often don’t consider how certain things can rob you of those feelings while others can set the tone. Consider the color of your room and the textures you have in your bedroom. Do they inspire romance?
“I always ask couples if they have a television in their bedroom,” Karst says. “If they do, I tell them to get rid of it. The bedroom should be a sanctuary where you can be together without distractions. Other things that can rob you of romantic moments include old worn-out nightgowns and underclothing, sports memorabilia, and other things that clutter up the bedroom as well as fighting in your bedroom.”
With busy careers, children, and outside commitments there is no question that life is hectic. Unfortunately, even the best-laid plans can end up out the window when a child gets sick, the boss hands out an urgent deadline or a disagreement comes along.
“More often than not, those things are exceptions to the rule and not the rule,” Karst says. “Therefore, I encourage couples to make a plan. Make sure you set aside time during the week to talk about children, bills, meetings, etc. Just as you set aside time for these things, set aside time to be together.”
If you’re lacking in the creativity department, try these suggestions for a mind-blowing marriage:
- Take turns planning a special evening of pampering for your spouse. Think about what’s important to your partner and plan an evening to indulge him or her. Be intentional about being with your partner physically and emotionally. Because men are so visual, one wife wore one of her husband’s favorite outfits and did things he really liked. On another night, he drew a bath for her and gave her a massage.
- Do things differently. If you always make love the same way, change that so it doesn’t become routine. Consider these questions to help spice up your love life: What brings you the most sexual fulfillment? How often would you like to make love? What changes do you need to make to keep sex fresh and growing? (Read 10 Things Every Married Couple Should Know About Sex)
- Teach the kids that your bedroom is your bedroom. When the door is closed, it means that mom and dad want a timeout. While this may sound totally unrealistic, it might surprise you how well it works once they get the idea.
Perhaps now is a great time to kick off an ongoing celebration of your marriage. To learn more about having an awesome, amazing, mind-blowing marriage, click here.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Is your marriage unexciting and dull? Have the feelings you had for each other on your wedding day become a distant memory? Do you ever look at other people and envy the spontaneity and freedom they seem to have? If so, you aren’t alone.
According to marriage experts, many couples enter into marriage with the expectation that it will always be exciting and romantic.
Then careers, children, in-laws, and other demands come along and often throw couples for a loop. They begin asking themselves questions like, “Did I marry the wrong person? Why should I stay in a relationship when I am not happy? Did I marry for all the wrong reasons?”
“Love is an interesting emotion,” says Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages. “It begins with what I refer to as the ‘tingles.’ You are emotionally obsessed with someone. You go to bed and wake up thinking about him, and have a hard time getting anything done because you can’t get him off your mind. This is accompanied by irrational thinking, believing that this person is perfect and there is nothing more important in life than being with him/her. Some people tell themselves that they will never be happy without this person in their life.
“This is accompanied by an illusion of intimacy. When you encourage couples to attend a marriage education class, they look at you like you are crazy to suggest working on the relationship since they believe their relationship doesn’t need any work. The illusion of intimacy blinds people to their differences in things like taste, values, music, priorities, etc.”
Emotional obsession, irrational thinking and illusion of intimacy lead to faulty conclusions such as, “I will never be happy unless we are married.” According to research, these feelings are not always permanent. The average lifespan of an obsession is two years—then people come off their high.
How does this relate to a ho-hum stage in marriage, you might ask?
When the “in-love obsession” subsides in marriage, people begin to see what they didn’t see before. All those things that were so cute when you were dating now get on your last nerve.
“Many couples are shocked by their loss of feelings for each other and are traumatized by conflicts,” Chapman says. “In many instances, they have no idea how to deal with the conflicts. The conflicts lead to fights. Then they think things like, ‘I wish I had married the other person.’ Walls go up and there is a loss of intimacy. Each person can give volumes of evidence as to why their spouse is at fault for the failing marriage.”
Then it happens. In the midst of your marital struggles, someone else comes along. The person is funny, spontaneous, full of life, neat, etc. He/she seems much more exciting than your current spouse. This person seems to have all the qualities you love in a person and you get the tingles all over again.
“This is when people start thinking ‘I never did love her’ or ‘I got married for all the wrong reasons,’ to convince themselves that their marriage was not right from the beginning and to somehow justify divorce,” Chapman says. “The problem is, they don’t understand that in two years they could potentially be in the very same place. Some people marry multiple times because every time they get the tingles they think they’ve finally found the right person.”
So, what do you do?
- Recognize the tingles for what they are—they aren’t always trustworthy.
- Keep your guard up—when there are troubles at home, you are vulnerable to misinterpreting the attention of others.
- Seek out professional help from someone who is marriage-friendly.
- Be leery of those who want to give you advice—even people with the best intentions can give you BAD advice.
Understand that it is normal to experience ho-hum stages in your marriage. Even the healthiest of marriages go through this. The key is to recognize it and do something about it. The ho-hum phase should be temporary. You really can feel the tingles again for your spouse.
Looking for more? Watch this episode of JulieB TV on this topic!
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
How Couples Can Handle Toxic Subjects
If you’re married, you’ve probably had a spirited discussion or two with your spouse. Chances are, it’s been about money, sex, jealousy over time spent outside the marriage, in-laws, child-rearing, or spirituality/faith.
“Based on research, we have learned that these are six of the most common toxic subjects for couples,” says Beverly Rodgers, marriage and family therapist and co-author of Soul Healing Love. “These topics cause the greatest amount of conflict in a marital relationship. Every couple has at least three, and the average couple has five of these that they argue about or discuss on a regular basis.”
“Couples know that they are dealing with a toxic subject when it triggers conflict and they can’t find a way to resolve it,” Rodgers asserts. “They either avoid the topic at all costs or jump in with both feet and later wished they hadn’t.”
Toxic subjects often bring relationships to the breaking point. How couples handle those toxic subjects is important.
The reaction to one of these issues usually falls into one of four categories:
- Withdrawal or stonewalling,
- Criticism,
- Defensiveness, and/or
- Contempt.
Take heart, though. Rodgers believes that you can learn how to keep these toxins from poisoning your marriage by identifying and dealing with the root issue.
“We encourage couples to dig deeper to get to the heart of the matter so they aren’t just coping with the issue, but extinguishing it,” Rodgers shares. “We ask couples to answer some basic questions.”
- What does my mate do that triggers my anger?
- When my mate does _____, I feel ________.
- What is the root of my anger? Guilt, Inferiority/Inadequacy, Fear or Trauma/Pain?
- When have I ever felt this before?
- When I feel this feeling, what do I do? How do I behave?
- What do I really need?
“After literally seeing hundreds of couples who were stuck in a marital rut, we recognized that a great deal of what couples are in conflict about goes back to their childhood,” Rodgers continues. “We also recognized that guilt, inferiority/inadequacy, fear and trauma/pain are usually emotions underlying the feeling of anger. Identifying these emotions uncovers what is really going on inside when you are angry at your spouse.”
Take this couple for instance.
A husband expects his wife to have the house clean and dinner on the table when he gets home. Despite her best efforts, it is next to impossible to get everything done with two young children underfoot. Every evening he walks through the door and gives her a look of disappointment. She feels guilty and inadequate. On the other hand, he feels inferior. Both get defensive and the evening goes downhill from there.
Through the digging deeper exercise, the husband realizes that throughout his childhood, his mother did everything for him. He interpreted that as a subtle message that he was incompetent or incapable of doing things for himself. This resulted in unrealistic and unfair expectations of his wife.
His wife, on the other hand, is the oldest of four. She kept up with her younger siblings, and her parents criticized her whenever she didn’t do things quite right. This made her feel inferior and hurt (trauma). Her husband’s disdainful look echoes the disappointment she felt from her parents as a child. In response, she distances herself from him and pulls away, which is exactly what this relationship does not need. She really needs to know that her husband loves her unconditionally.
“Rather than getting locked into a power struggle over cooking supper or cleaning the house, the couple will fare better if they understand the deeper meaning of what is really going on,” Rodgers says. “As couples begin to dig deeper, instead of fighting over often ultimately silly issues, they move away from being locked into a negative perception of each other.
“In our example, the wife thought her husband was a control freak. The husband thought she was inefficient and lazy. Through this exercise, they saw each other on a deeper level and realized that wounds and needs were behind those requests. The deeper understanding gave them the motivation to meet each other’s needs rather than locking horns. Now there is empathy and desire, which can grow passion. What once was a lifeless relationship on the brink is now a relationship with new life.”
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Why Date Night Matters
In the early years of marriage, couples usually find it easy to schedule date nights. Once children come along and careers get more intense though, date night takes last place on the list of important things needing attention. Before long, couples find themselves going through the motions of marriage and stuck in a rut when it comes to romance, all the while looking for a cure.
Guess what?
Date night could be the cure. Here’s why date night matters…
Helps You Connect
When life gets crazy, intentionally scheduling regular time to move away from all the distractions—children, jobs, other commitments—to focus on each other and talk about important topics helps you stay connected. This connectedness helps you feel less stressed in the midst of the chaos that is life.
Increases Intimacy
Speaking of less stress, another benefit of regular date nights is increasing intimacy and passion in your marriage. In the early years of marriage, romantic moments tend to come easily for couples. Romance often fades, however, without intentional effort to stoke the flames of desire. Date night helps couples remember why they first fell in love, and it lays the foundation for reigniting passion.
Builds Resilience
Regular date nights also help to build resilience to carry your marriage relationship during challenging times. Focusing on each other and nurturing your relationship helps you build a strong foundation for your marriage. As a result, when you encounter tough times, you have built up enough marital bandwidth to face difficulties as a team. When you come out on the other side of the challenge, your couple bond is strong instead of feeling frayed.
Increases Happiness
There is plenty of research about the significance of play and fun moments in a marriage. Howard Markman, a psychologist who co-directs the University of Denver’s Center for Marital and Family Studies, says their research indicates the more you invest in fun and friendship and being there for your partner, the happier the relationship will get over time. The correlation between fun and marital happiness is high and significant. For men, the connection is even more important. Research showed men are more likely than women to call their spouse their best friend. So go ahead and make plans to play. It’s vital for your marriage.
Energizes Your Relationship
Most couples who have been married an extended period of time will probably tell you it’s easy to fall in a rut. One day you look at each other and ask how you got to this place, especially when you vowed that you would never be that boring couple who barely has the energy to crawl to bed, much less plan a date night. Believe it or not, the routine and mundane can be the quiet killer of relationships. If this is you, it’s not too late to do something different.
Shake things up a bit. It’s kind of like working out. There are plenty of times you don’t feel like exercising, but you are so glad you pushed yourself after your workout is done. The same principle applies here, because date night matters in small ways that yield big results. It doesn’t have to be extravagant, just different than what you usually do.
Date night may seem like an optional item on your “to-do” list that requires planning and energy you don’t feel like you have right now. The truth is, date night is vital for the health of your relationship. If money is keeping you from going on a date, barter childcare with a friend for whom you can return the favor, collect all the loose change in your house and car and challenge yourselves to go on a date using that loose change.
Not feeling very creative? Here are a few ideas to get your juices flowing:
- Put the kids to bed early, pull out the candles, cook something easy or order carry out and have dinner by candlelight sans children.
- If your spouse can handle surprises, leave clues for a mystery date to their favorite restaurant or a location that has significant meaning to the two of you.
- Pull out the board games, order pizza and play on.
- Hop in the car, decide what direction you will head and how many miles you will drive. Grab a bite to eat at the restaurant closest to that mile marker and enjoy each other’s company.
Date night matters, but it doesn’t have to be extravagant to make a significant positive impact on your marriage. Don’t let the tyranny of the urgent crowd out nurturing your relationship. It’s well worth the investment.
