Newlywed Expectations Not Being Met in Marriage

A successful marriage may require you to adjust what you expect.
By Gena Ellis
July 6, 2021

Dear Newlywed,

How was the wedding? 

Did you enjoy the reception? 

Were all of your friends and family there to watch you join your life with your true love? 

Did you get to go on the honeymoon of your dreams? 

Or maybe you are planning it after all of the restrictions are lifted?

Now that the big day is over, real life has set in. 

Truthfully, you may find that your newlywed expectations are not being met in your new marriage. It’s just… not what you expected. 

Before getting married, everything seemed to be easy. Smooth. Communication was effortless. You seemed to know what each other was thinking without saying anything. But now, you seem to argue over trivial things like no gas in the car or using the last of the coffee beans. Misunderstandings and miscommunication flourish. In your mind, the person you married doesn’t do anything right, from loading the dishwasher, folding the towels, or remembering to set the alarm at night. 

I’m gonna share with you like my mother shared with me 27 years ago: Welcome to Married Life. 

I don’t mean to be condescending, and neither did she. But, I want you to know that most couples go through a transition, even if you dated for years or lived together before the wedding. Before marriage, we all put our best foot forward, trying to win over/impress/woo our significant other. At the same time, you may have gazed at your true love through rose-colored glasses, not seeing the “real” them. In reality, being your best self and seeing your spouse the same way helps you have a successful marriage. 

When I was newly married, I also experienced some disappointment. So I want to share some of the things that helped me get clear about what I wanted from my marriage.

I was focused on the wedding, not the marriage. 

As I was preparing for my wedding, my mother said I lost my mind about a month out. My focus was on making that day the best day ever. I wasn’t thinking about what would happen after. Actually, I didn’t even think about the wedding in terms of it being OURS. It was MY dream day.

Then I realized that I was making the marriage about me. Just like I did with the wedding. Our marriage is for both of us. So I needed to include my partner in my thought process.

Once I included my spouse in my thought process, I was able to fix my focus.

Part of my process included recognizing the differences that we had. Realistically, we don’t think, act or react the same way to situations. You may have realized the same thing in your relationship. It’s vital to give your spouse space to be authentically themselves. Your marriage will benefit when you both bring your best to the table.

Communication is essential. 

Whether you’ve had a conversation about expectations before the wedding or not, it’s not too late. However, it might be time to reexamine and reevaluate your expectations if you did have that conversation. Expectations are good things to have, but they’ve gotta be realistic, and you’ve got to share them with your partner. You can’t just assume that they have the exact same expectations as you. Marriage is a partnership of two different people headed in the same direction.

I had to admit that I wasn’t always my authentic self at the beginning of our relationship. 

Did that happen to you, too? Maybe you ordered a salad on a dinner date rather than the bacon cheeseburger you wanted. Perhaps you participated in activities because they mattered to your significant other, not because you enjoyed the activities. It’s time now to accept that you’ll both change and grow throughout your relationship. Being able to flow with those changes will strengthen your marriage. 

I want to encourage you to take the time to recalibrate your relationship as a newlywed. Listen to your spouse’s perspective so you can create realistic, attainable expectations together. Share with your spouse honestly and lovingly that you only want the best for them and your future. Try your best to shift your expectations to reality rather than shift reality to what you personally expect. 

Other helpful blogs:

What to Do When Your Spouse Doesn’t Meet Your Expectations

The Difference Between Realistic and Unrealistic Expectations in Marriage

Do You Have Realistic Expectations for Your Marriage?

How to Communicate Better With Your Spouse

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