Managing Expectations for Mother’s Day
Have you ever asked your spouse what they plan on doing for you on Mother’s Day? Raise your hand if they’ve replied:
Shoot… Is that THIS weekend?
or
Whatever you want to do, Babe.
or
Umm… nothing. You’re not my mom.
All wrong answers. That sinking feeling of being unappreciated, taken for granted and forgotten drowns out any last-minute plans they may try to scramble together. The damage has been done.
Your expectations to be thought of and celebrated have been shattered to dust. And if this isn’t the first, second, or third offense, you may even feel numb to it now. Disappointment is inevitable. No point in getting your hopes up, right?
You’ve probably figured out by now that motherhood is a thankless job. It’s not just what you do – it becomes who you are. It’s like breathing… and it’s natural, instinctual, automatic. But it’s also grueling, emotional and exhausting. So having your family acknowledge all that hard work AND celebrate it one day out of the entire year is not asking for too much.
But what trips up most couples is actually that – the ASKING part. “What are you going to do for me?” is a loaded question if you already have unspoken expectations of what you want.
But shouldn’t my spouse care enough to look at a calendar and plan ahead? Shouldn’t they know me well enough to know what I’d want to do/how I’d like to be celebrated? Shouldn’t they realize that even though I’m not THEIR mother, I’m a mother, and that’s what this holiday is all about?!
First, that’s a lot of shoulding… So let’s break down some expectation barriers together so we can all win on Mother’s Day.
Barrier #1: You expect your spouse to think and act like you.
It’s easy to believe that everyone (including your spouse) sees the world the way you do. This sets you up for some pretty unrealistic expectations and
disappointment. You want your spouse to magically know and do exactly what you would do (and probably are doing for your own mother). Maybe you expect them to…
- Speak the same love language as you. For example: Your spouse may think a signed card shows they care, while you long for a handwritten, thoughtful love letter. Or they may think flowers are the universal language of love, but you find them impractical and a waste of money. Or they may tell you to take the “day-off” and go get a massage or do your nails or whatever you want… but your love language is Quality Time, and you want to celebrate with your family (without any of the normal responsibilities of motherhood…)
- Have the same skills as you. For example: Your spouse is a spontaneous, in-the-moment kind of person. They don’t enjoy planning. So they wait ‘til the last minute to figure out what to do. But this seems lazy or unthoughtful to you (a planner) when really, it’s their natural temperament. Or they are very logical, and thinking of creative ways to show love is like speaking a foreign language to them. So they get you a super practical gift like new towels or a car charger when you want something meaningful.
Break down the barrier by realizing that your spouse is a unique individual.
They are not YOU. And that’s a good thing! Our differences make us stronger. Talk about your differences. You most likely are speaking different love languages, so discover what each other’s love language is and try to speak it fluently and frequently. If you already know each other’s love languages, a simple reminder can go a long way!
Barrier #2: You expect your spouse to read your mind.
Whether you’ve been together for 3 years or 30… your spouse cannot read your mind. We joke about this – but when was the last time you’ve thought or said, “You should know what I like! I’ve only told you 1 million times!”? Been there, said that way too often.
The real issue here is that you long to feel seen, understood, and known deeply. This requires intentionally working on your emotional intimacy, which is an ongoing process of growing in your understanding of each other’s feelings, hopes, dreams, fears, motivations, etc. You know what you want and need. But it changes over time and throughout different seasons of life.
Break down the barrier by telling your spouse exactly what you’d like for Mother’s Day and why it’s so important to you.
Sharing what would make you feel the most acknowledged, valued and celebrated doesn’t diminish your spouse’s effort; it encourages it. The more you tell your spouse how you feel loved the most and why, the more your spouse has the chance to love you in that way… and the deeper your emotional intimacy will grow.1 This doesn’t mean you have to plan the whole day. You just have to clearly communicate what you want or need. Leave the little details up to your spouse!
Barrier #3: You expect your spouse to be perfect.
No matter how hard your spouse tries, they’ll never be perfect. Expecting perfection sets unrealistic standards that will make them believe they aren’t good enough. It’ll push them away, and you’ll end up experiencing the opposite of what you wanted to feel.
Break down the barrier by realizing that your expectations may be unrealistic.
Take a moment. See if maybe you’re setting the bar too high so that it feels out of reach to your spouse. Have you criticized their efforts in the past? If you have, there’s a good chance they don’t want to fail again (and maybe they think they can’t fail if they don’t even try…). Think about what your spouse is good at and enjoys doing – that still fills your love tank. Telling them exactly how you’d feel loved and appreciated will set them up for success and set your expectations at a realistic level.
So this year, instead of asking what your spouse will do, try telling them what you’d like to do first.
Take the pressure off of them to decode your side-eye sighs and do your spouse a favor:
- Spell it out.
- Be clear and specific before any resentment starts to build. If you’re a planner, talk about it a couple of weeks in advance.
- If you like surprises, give your spouse a few options for things you’d like to do and let them choose!
You DESERVE to be celebrated, Mama. Mother’s Day is a great opportunity for your husband and family to do that. So be honest and open about what would make you feel appreciated and loved.
Source
1McNulty, J.K., et al. (2004). Positive Expectations in the Early Years of Marriage: Should Couples Expect the Best or Brace for the Worst?
Easy Ways to Make Your Wife Feel Loved on Mother’s Day
It’s May, and you know what that means… Mother’s Day! Mother’s Day is a wonderful time to celebrate the women who have been influential in our lives. My mom, grandmothers, and mother-in-law have been significant in shaping me into the person I am.
But, this day is about all the moms in my life. And my wife is the most significant mom (don’t worry, my mom knows it’s true). She’s the one I chose to do life with. She’s the one who made me a dad. So, celebrate your mom, grandmothers, and mother-in-law, but also celebrate your wife. And I don’t mean just helping the kids make her feel special. Guys, you should make her feel all the love as well.
Here are some ideas to help you make sure that your wife feels all the love this Mother’s Day:
- Make a video asking your kids what Mom means to them. Here are some questions to kick you off. What does Mom say the most? What is Mom’s favorite thing to do? Of all the things you love about Mom, what do you love the most?
- Have the kids create a song about Mom and perform it for her on Mother’s Day.
- Help the kids make her breakfast or lunch. It doesn’t have to be extravagant… just from the heart. Let the kids lead out and choose what they want to make.
- Let her sleep in on Mother’s Day. This is a big win in my house. We all know moms need rest.
- In-Home Spa Day, anyone? My 6-year-old likes to paint nails and give foot rubs. You can all pamper Mom as a family.
- Homemade cards are always a win. Encourage the kids to make cards that represent their personalities.
- Does Mom love to travel? Spring is an excellent time for a day trip. What’s within driving distance in your area that she would love to visit?
- Is Mom crafty? What is her favorite craft? Whether she likes to paint, knit, or anything else, get some supplies together and create as a family.
- Does Mom love movies? Watch her favorite movie as a family. Create a movie theater experience for her, complete with popcorn and her favorite snacks.
Here are a few more ideas specifically for you fellas:
- Plan a date night or weekend getaway for just the two of you. Work out the details yourself.
- Be intentional about speaking her love language on Mother’s Day.
- Give her a massage. I don’t just mean a shoulder rub. Break out the massage oil and pamper her.
- Clean the house. Moms often feel the pressure to have a clean house. Take care of this for her.
Most importantly, let’s show Mom that she is loved and appreciated.
Research shows four factors had more effects on helping moms feel supported in well-being and parenting:
- Feeling loved unconditionally.
- Feeling comforted in distress.
- Authenticity in relationships.
- Satisfaction with friendships.
I’ve learned over the years (from both my mom and my wife) that celebrating Mom is less about the cost and more about the thought and heart that’s put into the gift. That’s what matters most.
Don’t let anything stop you. Make this the best Mother’s Day ever!
Sources:
Who mothers mommy? Factors that contribute to mothers’ well-being. Dev Psychol. 2015 December ; 51(12): 1812–1823.
Other blogs:
How to Celebrate Mother’s Day With a Difficult Mom – First Things First
Mom, Here Are 5 Reasons Why You Should Be Celebrated – First Things First
What Does It Mean to Be the Default Parent?
The other day, I was at my kids’ school, deep in conversation with my wife and another parent. Then, here comes our 6-year-old daughter, on a mission. She goes right around my wife to ask me if she could go play on the playground. My wife responds, “Hey, I’m right here, and Dad is talking.” This didn’t phase my daughter at all. She had a question and thought I had the answer. My wife and I are very much partners in parenting. Still, we recognize that I often serve as the default parent.
What does “default parent” mean?
Default means a preselected option. We all know what parent means. So, what’s a default one? They are the one who carries the bigger load in parenting (assuming there are two parents present). According to a 2014 Huff Post article, they’re responsible for their children’s emotional, physical, and logistical needs.
If you’re the default parent, you probably already know it without thinking about it.
Your child comes to you when they need anything (sometimes physically bypassing the other parent).
You’re the one who coordinates the schedules, sets appointments (and makes sure they get there), nurses injuries, ensures all school needs are met, and serves as the first point of contact for school or daycare.
You also feel the pressure to take the lead on anything new that pops up, like school meetings or appointments.
How does one become the default parent?
Sometimes it’s a choice. There is an intentional conversation, and one parent chooses that role. But more often than not, it falls to one person without a conversation happening. If only one parent works outside of the home, the other parent may become the default parent. And yes, while moms tend to be seen as the default parent, that isn’t always the case.
Is there always a default parent?
More likely than not. One parent may always carry more of the load. Parenting will not always be 50/50, depending on your work schedule, but that doesn’t mean it has to be unbearable for one of you. Being intentional about communicating with your spouse is the only way to ensure you’re both sharing the load.
Here’s what parenting looks like in our situation. My children are both elementary school age, and my wife works at their school. I have a more flexible schedule. So, I schedule and take the kids to doctor and dentist appointments. My wife would tell you that she can count the dentist appointments she’s made on one hand. I have served on the school PTA for five years. Until she started working at the school, I served as the primary contact for my son’s teachers. I take responsibility for my son’s sports schedule.
My wife coordinates the family calendar to ensure we don’t overbook ourselves. She’s the go-to for our kids when they are sick, but I often stay home with them if they miss school. We are fairly evenly split on household chores.
Am I really the default parent? My wife would say yes. Our situation was created mostly by circumstances. Do I do everything? Not by a long shot.
What challenges arise for the default parent?
Let’s start with the fact that parenting is difficult in and of itself. There’s no way around that. Being a default parent makes it even harder.
Here are just a few challenges that arise:
- Exhaustion
- Burnout
- Feeling neglected and unheard
- Feeling guilt when taking time for yourself
- Resenting your partner
All of this can also negatively impact your relationship. The challenges affecting the default parent can cause issues with communication and intimacy. If left unaddressed, the default parent’s frustration can evolve into contempt, which is hazardous for the relationship.
If you find yourself as the default parent and you’re not sure how you got there, it’s time to address the issue in your relationship. It all starts with communication and resetting expectations.
Sources:
How Did I End Up as the Default Parent? | Psychology Today
The Default Parent | HuffPost Life
Other reads:
I’m My Kids’ Default Parent But I’ve Made My Husband Intervene More Often
12 Tips for First-Time Parents
Welcome to the most incredible adventure of your life… parenting. I’d love to offer you a roadmap to being a successful parent, but I’m still looking for that one. I can provide you with what I’ve learned from almost 10 years of mistakes and countless conversations with fellow parents.
So, buckle up and get ready for the wildest ride on earth – PARENTHOOD.
Here are 12 tips for first-time parents.
1. Everything is about to change (and it may be for the better).
Change can be scary. But over time, you won’t be able to imagine life any other way.
2. It’s natural to feel stress as a parent.
When you find yourself stressed, it’s okay to step away for a moment and take a deep breath. Put your baby in a safe location (like a crib) and step outside for just a moment.
3. Take care of yourself.
You can’t give what you don’t have. Do your best to spend a little time for yourself. Take a walk, grab a coffee with friends, get in a quick workout, do a puzzle – whatever fills your soul.
4. You know your child better than anyone else.
You may sense that they aren’t feeling well or something isn’t right. Trust your instincts. Social media and the internet are full of people who think they know best, but they don’t know your baby.
5. Hold your baby a lot.
Don’t worry; you can’t spoil a newborn baby by holding them too much. They need your touch and attention. You’re providing a foundation for them to grow and feel safe emotionally, physically, and mentally.
6. You can’t completely prevent your kid from experiencing bad things.
They will get sick, they’ll have bad things happen, they may even do bad things. You are there to help prevent what you can and work through what you can’t.
7. You’ll make mistakes.
There is no handbook for parenting, and every child is different. It’s okay. Don’t beat yourself up.
8. When you do make a mistake, own it and apologize.
Your baby isn’t going to remember this, so this is for you. Create the habit now of apologizing when you mess up. As your child grows, they will learn this from you.
9. You are your child’s first teacher.
Learning doesn’t start in daycare or school; it begins with you. You have the opportunity to introduce your child to the world. Start early, teaching them as they grow.
10. Do what works for you, your child, and your family.
You’ll hear so much advice, but every child and every family is different. Figure out what works best for your situation.
11. It’s okay to accept help.
If someone offers to do your laundry, it doesn’t mean you’re a terrible parent because you didn’t do it all. Accepting help is meant to make your life easier – it’s not something to feel guilty about.
12. Parenting can be rewarding, but it takes intentionality.
Every stage has its challenges. Making it through each stage is a victory for both you and your child!
Parenting is a journey. Take it one step at a time, and don’t get ahead of yourself. And have fun! You’ve got this. I’m rooting for you.
Other blogs:
Seven Things Every Child Needs to Thrive
10 Questions Couples Should Ask Each Other Before Having a Baby
How To Make Sure Your Child Knows You Love Them – First Things First
Sources:
Can You Spoil a Baby by Holding Them Too Much?
Bilgin, A., & Wolke, D. (2020). Parental use of “cry it out” in infants: no adverse effects on attachment and behavioural development at 18 months. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, and Allied Disciplines, 61(11), 1184–1193.
Ribar, D. C. (2015). Why marriage matters for child wellbeing. The Future of Children, 25(2), 11–27.
Journal Prompts For Teens
Another opportunity for teens to do some journaling! Bottom Line: Journaling is good for you. Here’s some scientific research related to journaling. Prepare to have your mind blown!
The simple act of journaling:
- Strengthens your immune system.
- Helps injuries heal faster. (I didn’t believe it either.)
- Raises your IQ.
- Boosts your memory.
- Reduces stress, anxiety and depression.
- Makes you more optimistic about life.
- But wait! There’s more! Journaling can keep you focused & organized, help you set & reach goals, improve your writing, inspire creativity, and help you get to know yourself.
If you could get all that in a vitamin, you’d take it – no questions asked.
Ideally, you should journal 2-3 times a week, but there are no rules. It doesn’t matter if you use paper, a computer, a journaling notebook or even a note on your phone.
There are different types of journaling and approaches. But let’s get right to those burning questions on your mind:
What do I write about? Exactly. You can write about that.
What if I want to figure out everything I write before I write it? Interesting. Write about that.
What if I don’t have a journal? Grab a napkin and write about whether or not it matters.
Journaling is a lot like so many things in life: You get out of it what you put into it.
These journal prompts for teens may be just what you need to get started.
- Describe an important item from your childhood. Why was it important? Where is it now?
- You get to talk to a dead person. Who would you choose, and why? What do you want to talk about?
- Describe your happiest childhood memory in detail.
- Explain something that happened to you that’s so strange, nobody believes you.
- In an abandoned cabin, you find a shiny box with a single red “DANGER” button. Do you push it? Why or why not?
- What’s something you want to learn how to do? Why?
- Where would you like to visit right now? What would you do there?
- What’s your favorite memory involving food?
- What accomplishment makes you feel the most pride? Why?
- The best advice you’ve ever received is…
- What’s something you could teach someone to do? How did you learn it?
- What are you most grateful for today?
- Name one thing you know is true.
- What’s a positive character trait or quality that you’re known for? What developed this trait in you?
- What character trait or quality can you grow in? How could you achieve that growth?
- You’re now in charge of the entire world. What would you change, and why?
- You can be any fictional character from a book or movie. Who do you want to be? Why?
- You can wake up tomorrow having gained one ability or talent. What do you choose? Are you willing to work at it? Why/Why not?
- Who are five people you admire, and why?
- What’s your favorite holiday, and why?
Finish these sentences:
- Life is mostly just…
- I used to think… but now I realize…
- I wonder if…
- I totally believe…
- It gets on my nerves when people…
- I hope I never forget…
- One thing I want to accomplish this month is…
- Success in life basically depends on…
- Cake or pie? Explain why the correct answer is definitely ______.
- When I’m happy…
Time for some fun!
- You find an envelope at the park with your name on it and $5,000. What do you do?
- Aliens abduct you and ask you to describe the human race.
- You can have one candy for free for life. What do you pick? Why?
- You wake up and the world is experiencing a zombie apocalypse. Realistically, how long do you survive and why? (Assume slow zombies, not fast, rage ones.)
- You run into someone who in all ways is your exact twin. How do you both make the most of this situation?
- If you could live in any part of the world, where would you choose? Why does it appeal to you?
- You can enter any video game as an NPC. (Non-Playable Character.) What game would be the most fun to wander around in? Why?
- You are now the world’s foremost collector of ______. What do you collect and why?
- If you could change one traffic law, what would it be? Why?
- You have the most vivid, realistic dream of eating a giant marshmallow. You wake up and your pillow is gone. What’s your first thought?
Other blogs:
Conversation Starters for Kids and Parents – First Things First
100 Conversation Starters To Increase Your Family’s Connectedness
7 Ways to Deepen Your Connection With Your Teen – First Things First
7 Tips for Dads of Daughters
If you’re a father or a stepfather, I’m going to ask you to do one thing today. One. This one thing is for the little girl in your life. Whether she’s a baby, is “toddlering” around the house, navigating middle school, working on a college degree, or has started a family of her own: It doesn’t matter. She’ll always be your little girl.
You know the saying: A son is a son ‘til he gets a wife, but a daughter is a daughter for the rest of her life.
I recently read something by Mat Johnson that was so profound it froze me in my tracks. I had to sit down and let it sink in. (Full Disclosure: I was already seated. But the rest is absolutely accurate.) Mat is a professor and prize-winning author of fiction, non-fiction, and graphic novels. He is also the father of two little girls. Here’s what he said that hit me like a ton of bricks:
A man’s daughter is his heart. Just with feet, walking out in the world.
That’s powerful stuff. I don’t know how much Mat is into family research, but in just 14 words, he encapsulated decades of studies on the impact a father has on his daughter’s life. It’s worth breaking down and looking a little deeper.
A Man’s Daughter Is His Heart…
I’m about to share a bunch o’ findings from a bunch o’ research. (I’ll link to it at the end for your perusal.)
First, understand that you’re always directly or indirectly impacting your daughter. She’s watching, listening, and taking mental notes. (Like, how does Dad treat Mom, me, and other women?) Remember: It’s not about just being around. The goal is to actively engage with your daughter from birth onward.
Daughters who have a dynamic, secure, warm, comfortable, conversational, and loving relationship with their father gain all sorts of advantages they carry throughout their lives. Your life is molding hers.
…Just With Feet, Walking Out In This World.
What dad doesn’t want these things for their daughter?
Actively engaged fathers help their daughters become more:
- Intellectually developed – from IQ to better grades in school.
- Confident and assertive. (And more likely to feel better about themselves.)
- Likely to pursue higher education.
- Likely to have higher career achievement & have a higher-paying job.
- Likely to experience better emotional & mental health.
- Likely to have healthy romantic relationships up to, and including, marriage.
⇨ Your Relationship With (Your Wife) And Daughter Also Provides A Critical Buffer ⇦
Daughters with actively involved fathers are less likely to:
- Develop eating disorders and a poor self-image.
- Engage in “delinquent” behavior as an adolescent.
- Become pregnant as a teenager.
- Experience dating violence or be coerced into sex.
- Be resilient and navigate obstacles & stressful situations.
How do you get started? According to research, technically, it begins with being present and involved in your daughter’s birth. (You’re probably past that.) Check out these pointers on being a great girl dad for an infant or toddler.
Keep these general principles in mind:
- Listen to girls. What are your daughter’s thoughts, beliefs, feelings and dreams? Don’t just focus on how she looks. Make sure she knows she’s beautiful and valuable on the inside, too.
- Encourage her strength and celebrate her savvy. Help your daughter learn to recognize, resist and overcome barriers. Help her develop her strengths to achieve her goals.
- Respect her uniqueness. Urge her to love her body and discourage dieting. Make sure your daughter knows that you love her for who she is. See her as a whole person capable of doing anything. Treat her and those she loves with respect.
- Get physically active with her. Play catch, tag, jump rope, basketball or go for walks. Studies show that physically active girls have fathers who are active with them.
- Involve yourself in your daughter’s activities. Volunteer to drive, coach or host.
- Talk to other fathers. There’s a lot you can learn from each other.
- Help make the world better for girls. One time, while I was walking through the mall with my teenage daughter, I made a point of watching the eyes of the people we passed. It was disturbing. This world holds dangers for our daughters. Overprotection doesn’t work. Make sure your daughter is over-prepared to navigate the world.
So, what’s the one practical thing you’re going to do today to work on bonding and building up your daughter? Even if you don’t live with your daughter, you still make a difference.
Dads, we can’t do it all in one day, but we can do that one thing today, then one other thing tomorrow. Our daughters need us for the rest of their lives.
Sources:
- American Psychological Association: Father-Daughter Physical Activity Programs
- Direct and Indirect Effects of Father-Daughter Relationship on Adolescent Girls’ Psychological Outcomes: The Role of Basic Psychological Need Satisfaction – ScienceDirect
- Father Involvement, Dating Violence, and Sexual Risk Behaviors Among a National Sample of Adolescent Females
- The Influence of a Father on a Daughter’s College Decision
- Talking to Daddy’s Little Girl About Sex: Daughters’ Reports of Sexual Communication and Support From Fathers
- How Dads Affect Their Daughters Into Adulthood | Institute for Family Studies
- Strengthening Father-Daughter Relationships
Resources:
How To Be The Best Dad For Your Daughter – First Things First
5 Steps I Took to Be a Better Dad – First Things First
What All Daughters Need to Hear From Their Dad – First Things First
7 Ways to Embrace Being a #girldad – First Things First
The Encouraging Science of Fatherhood and the ‘Father Effect’
Preparing for Fatherhood
Being a dad has been the most incredible adventure of my life. Emphasis on adventure! There’s nothing quite like being a dad (moms are awesome too, but I can’t speak to that experience). I remember when I found out that we were expecting our first child. I was so excited and so freaked out! And I wanted to prepare myself for fatherhood in every way possible.
If you’re preparing for fatherhood, here are some things you can do:
Do your research.
Read as much as you can about becoming a dad and what it takes to be a dad (the tasks and the relational aspect). There are plenty of books, blogs and podcasts about being a dad. Here are a few of my favorites:
- Fatherly
- All Pro Dad
- Dude Dad
- The Birth Guy’s Go-To Guide for New Dads: How to Support Your Partner Through Birth, Breastfeeding, and Beyond
- Be the Dad She Needs You to Be: The Indelible Imprint a Father Leaves on His Daughter’s Life
Talk to other dads.
Experience is a great teacher! Talk to new dads and those who have years of experience. There is immense value in learning from both groups. Talking to experienced dads can also help you decide the type of father you want to be.
Finish those household projects.
Got unfinished projects that you haven’t had time to finish? Well, now’s the time. No need to have those hanging over your head after the baby arrives.
Make a plan for responsibilities.
Talk with Mom about who will do what. This isn’t a one-time conversation, either. Be open about your expectations of each other and parenthood. You need to discuss this before the baby gets here and you’re both exhausted. The goal is to make sure you both have sufficient baby time and the ability to get sleep when you can.
Talk about parenting with Mom.
There are different types and philosophies of parenting. Whether you’re married or not, discuss how you want to raise your child.
These questions can get you started:
- How can I best support the method of feeding you choose?
- Where will the baby sleep?
- Will both of you return to work? If so, when?
- What about childcare? (Childcare is often in short supply, so if you’ll be seeking childcare, start now. Apply everywhere you can and be prepared for long waitlists.)
Start buying those baby supplies.
There’s no time like the present to purchase what you need. Make a list and buy throughout the pregnancy. Decide on a diapering system and stock up. If you’re using disposable diapers, buy different sizes and brands. You never know how the baby will react to certain brands. [Pro tip: Don’t open the diapers and keep receipts. You can always exchange them as long as you know where you got them.]
Take care of yourself physically.
Becoming a parent takes a lot of energy. If you need to make some healthier choices for yourself, do it now. It’s much easier to make life changes before your child is born.
Talk to your employer.
It’s about more than just taking time off after your baby is born. Will you have the flexibility to attend doctor’s appointments? Will your job allow you to occasionally work from home?
Attend doctor appointments.
You need to go to as many prenatal doctor’s appointments as possible now. Your role is significant. Ask all the questions you can think of.
Spend time with your friends and family.
You may have all the time in the world right now, but that’s gonna change when your little one arrives. That’s the life of a new parent. Spend time with your friends now. If they aren’t parents, let them know your time is about to get REAL stretched. If they’re parents, they’ve been there, and they get it.
Don’t stress yourself out.
The only way to know how to be a dad is to BE A DAD. No two kids or experiences are alike, so don’t worry that you won’t be prepared. Learn as much as you can now without putting too much pressure on yourself or Mom. If you’re both first-time parents, it’s a big learning curve. Do the best you can.
Like I said: Being a dad is an adventure. Your role is crucial in the development of your child. They need you, and you have what it takes to be a great dad.
Other resources:
How to Be a Supportive Parent – First Things First
How to Stop the Cycle of Parental Burnout
I have a confession to make: I’ve been stressed and exhausted many times. I’ve felt burned out and ready to quit, but not from work obligations – from being a parent.
Parenting is tough. It’s demanding. Before our son was born 10 years ago, I recall people telling me everything would change. I don’t remember anyone telling me I’d be taking 2AM walks to stay sane. No one told me there would be days I’d question whether I could continue. The list of things I wish I’d known then is long.
Parental burnout is a real thing, but don’t get me wrong – I wouldn’t trade being a dad for anything. Researchers Hubert and Aujoulat found that “parental burnout results from situations where exhaustion occurs as a result of being physically and emotionally overwhelmed by one’s parental role.”
If you’ve been a parent for at least a couple of hours, you know that parenting stress is real. But when it consumes you, burnout sets in. There’s hope, though. You can stop the cycle of parental burnout.
The stress isn’t going anywhere, but there are some healthy ways to lessen the pressure.
Surround yourself with a community.
“It takes a village to raise a child.”
I never quite understood that until we had our first child. But it’s true. Raising a child isn’t easy. Mine didn’t come with a how-to guide.
Surround yourself with people who want what’s best for you. Think about grandparents, other parents, or friends who care about your well-being. You need people in your life to help care for your child when you need it and to help you care for yourself. Asking for help doesn’t make you weak or less than. Any person who has raised a child knows the stress involved.
Today’s action:
Text one person and invite them over. Ask them to hold you accountable for taking time for yourself.
Take care of yourself.
When you’re responsible for a little one, it’s easy to put all your energy into making sure you meet their needs. When they get all your energy, there’s nothing left for you.
Have you ever been on a plane and heard the safety speech? If the airbags are deployed, put yours on before you try to put on someone else’s. That sounds counterintuitive to parenting, but it’s so true. If you don’t care for yourself, you won’t have anything to give. Being a parent is the best reason I’ve ever had to take good care of myself.
Exercise, eat healthy foods, get rest (when you can), or meditate. Will it be easy? No. Is it important? Extremely!
Today’s action:
Put down your phone. Go get a glass of water, and take deep breaths as you drink. Make it your goal to do that three times today.
Give yourself grace.
You won’t be a perfect parent, and that’s ok! We all mess up. I don’t think I could list all the mistakes I’ve made. As my kids have gotten a little older, I ask them for lots of grace, too. I apologize when I make a mistake.
Don’t fall into the social media comparison game, either. You may see someone who looks like the perfect parent – but remember, social media usually shows the best moments. You may not see all the tears it took to get that perfect photo.
Today’s action:
Allow yourself to make mistakes. Tell yourself, “My child doesn’t need a perfect parent – they need a present parent.”
Take a break when you need it.
If your child is in childcare or school, take a day off every once in a while to be alone. Enjoy doing what you like to do. Maybe that’s getting outdoors, taking a long bath or chilling with a movie. And don’t feel guilty about it. You have permission to take time for yourself.
Today’s action:
Schedule an hour this week to take a break. Right now, ask your support system to help you make this happen.
Set boundaries.
Boundaries help to protect your time and your relationships. You may have to say no to some good things. As my children have become more independent, I’ve found that I can say yes to more things I want to do.
Prioritize your well-being and relationships when opportunities come your way.
Today’s action:
Ask, “What have I said yes to that I don’t have margin for?” Then do your best to take that off your list.
Parenting isn’t easy, but you can do it. If you already feel burned out and have nothing left to give, reach out to a professional, coach or counselor. You don’t have to walk this road alone.
Other blogs:
How to Be an Emotionally Safe Parent – First Things First
Can Self-Care Become Selfish? – First Things First
5 Signs You Need Some Alone Time
Sources:
Parental Burnout: When Exhausted Mothers Open Up. Frontiers in psychology, 9, 1021.
Beating burnout. Harvard Business Review, 98-101.
