As a mom of two little ones, I’m no stranger to a toddler meltdown over the wrong color of water cup or the clashing of the wills at bedtime. I’ve seen firsthand how even the smallest of disagreements can feel monumental. But what happens when these small disagreements turn into chronic family disputes?

A recent study completed by The University of Illinois called Topics of Conflict Across Family Subsystems shines some light on the most common arguments within families—and the consequences these arguments can have on family relationships.

It’s easy to think family arguments are all about the big stuff—money, house rules, and screen time. While those certainly make the list, the study highlights that the everyday squabbles—over things like chores, daily schedules, and even the dinner menu—top the charts.

Bedtime routines and sibling rivalry are major sources of contention in families with younger children. As kids get older, disagreements shift toward more autonomy-related issues like curfews and social media use.

In a nutshell, families fight over everything from the trivial to the significant, with no age group being immune.

Interestingly, the study also found that the intensity of these fights often correlates with the type of relationship involved. For instance, spousal arguments typically center on finances or parenting styles, while parent-teen conflicts are more likely to revolve around issues of independence and control.

It’s tempting to shrug off family arguments as just part of the territory, but the truth is, these conflicts have a lasting impact. Studies have shown that children who grow up in households with frequent, unresolved arguments are more likely to experience mental health challenges like anxiety and depression later in life. Constant exposure to negative communication patterns can also influence how children manage their own conflicts as adults, potentially leading to strained relationships in the future.

In my work with families, I often see that it’s not the topics themselves that cause the damage, but the way arguments unfold. Experts like Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship researcher, emphasize that how we argue is more important than what we argue about.

Gottman’s research suggests that criticism, defensiveness, and contempt are the real culprits that erode relationships, creating a cycle of negative interactions.

So, how can families fight better—or maybe even fight less?

The key is shifting from what Dr. Gottman calls “destructive conflict” to “constructive conflict.” This means replacing blaming or accusatory statements with softer language that fosters understanding. For example, instead of saying, “You never help around the house,” try framing it as “I feel overwhelmed when I have to handle all the chores alone.” This small change in tone can de-escalate tension and promote cooperation.

Additionally, setting clear expectations and boundaries can help reduce conflict, especially with children. Research suggests that families who communicate openly about expectations—whether it’s chores, schoolwork, or screen time—experience fewer arguments overall. Consistency is key. If everyone knows the rules ahead of time, there’s less room for resentment or confusion when issues arise.

Family arguments are inevitable.

After all, living in close quarters with people we love (but who can also get on our nerves) is bound to lead to friction. But that doesn’t mean we have to let these conflicts control the health and well-being of our relationships.

If we take anything away from the Topics of Conflict study, it’s this: being aware of what we fight about can give us clues on how to handle those fights better. From setting clear boundaries to fighting with kindness and humor, we have more tools than we realize to make our homes more peaceful, connected places. 

And let’s be honest, who couldn’t use a little less conflict in their lives? Especially when you’re trying to convince a one-year-old that dirt is not for eating.

I recently had the pleasure of diving into Seth Kaplan’s thought-provoking book, Fragile Neighborhoods, and it’s one of those reads that has stayed with me, simmering in my mind long after I turned the last page. Kaplan’s research paints a vivid picture of the state of our neighborhoods today—highlighting the fragility many of them face—and presents a compelling case for why strong, healthy families and relationships are the bedrock of thriving communities. As someone deeply invested in fostering strong family ties, I found his insights both alarming and motivating.

Kaplan argues that the health of our neighborhoods is intricately linked to the health of the families within them. He points out that neighborhoods where families are fractured, isolated, or struggling, are more likely to experience higher rates of crime, poverty, and social unrest. On the flip side, communities where families are strong, interconnected, and supported, tend to thrive. They have lower crime rates, better educational outcomes, and greater economic stability.

Research backs this up. Studies show that children who grow up in stable, two-parent households are more likely to succeed academically, economically, and socially.

They’re less likely to engage in criminal behavior or substance abuse, and they often go on to form healthy relationships themselves. It’s a ripple effect—when families thrive, so do communities.

But it’s not just about nuclear families. Kaplan emphasizes the importance of extended families, friends, and community networks. He cites research showing that children who have multiple adult figures in their lives—whether it’s grandparents, aunts, uncles, or close family friends—fare better in terms of emotional and social development. They’re more resilient in the face of challenges and have a stronger sense of identity and belonging.

Kaplan underscores a growing concern: the increasing fragmentation of communities across America.

Many neighborhoods today are facing what he describes as a “relationship crisis”—where social bonds are weakening, and people are becoming more isolated. This fragmentation can be seen in the rise of “marriage deserts”—areas with low rates of marriage and high rates of single-parent households—often in low-income communities. These neighborhoods are often marked by economic hardship, limited access to quality education and healthcare, and a lack of social cohesion.

But it’s not all doom and gloom. Kaplan offers a hopeful message: that we have the power to reverse these trends. By prioritizing relationships and investing in family and community life, we can build stronger, more resilient neighborhoods.

So, what can we do? How can each of us play a part in strengthening our neighborhoods? Here are a few practical steps, inspired by Kaplan’s findings:

  1. Invest in your relationships. Start with your own family. Make time for meaningful conversations, shared activities, and traditions that build a sense of belonging and identity. Reach out to extended family members and intentionally foster those relationships. Remember, strong families are the building blocks of strong communities.
  2. Get involved locally. Join or support local organizations that are working to strengthen families and relationships. This could be anything from volunteering at a community center, mentoring a young person, or participating in neighborhood events. Your involvement helps build social cohesion and creates a support network for those who might need it.
  3. Support community spaces and programs. Advocate for and support local initiatives that provide safe, supportive spaces for families to gather and build relationships. This could be after-school programs, sports leagues, or neighborhood associations. These spaces are crucial for fostering social connections and building a sense of community.
  4. Be a connector. Don’t underestimate the power of a simple introduction. Whether it’s introducing a new neighbor to others on the block or connecting a friend with a local resource, small acts of connection can have a big impact on building social capital in our communities.
  5. Promote economic stability. Encourage and vote for local policies and initiatives that support job creation, fair wages, and affordable housing. Economic stability is a key factor in strengthening families and, by extension, neighborhoods. When families aren’t struggling to make ends meet, they have more time and energy to invest in relationships and community life.
  6. Encourage mentorship and support. Look for opportunities to mentor or support a child, teenager, or young parent in your community. Whether through a formal program or an informal relationship, providing guidance, support, and encouragement can make a big difference in someone’s life.

In Fragile Neighborhoods, Kaplan reminds us that strong communities don’t just happen—they’re built, one relationship at a time. It starts with us, in our own homes and neighborhoods. By investing in the people around us, we can create a ripple effect that strengthens our entire community.

I invite each of you to consider how you might contribute to this vital work. Whether it’s through your time, talents, or resources, there’s a role for everyone in building stronger, more resilient neighborhoods. Let’s come together, support one another, and create the kind of community where families—and all of us—can thrive.

Remember, it takes a village. And we are that village. Let’s make it a strong one.

Life is busy. When the pressures of work, school, and extracurricular activities pull us in different directions, it’s easy to lose sight of what truly matters. Brené Brown, a renowned researcher, speaker, and author, offers a powerful framework to help families stay connected and thrive: the family-centered system. This approach emphasizes the importance of identifying what your family is centered around and making intentional choices to strengthen those bonds.

At its core, Brené Brown’s family-centered system theory revolves around the idea that every family has a central value or set of values that define it.

This core can be anything from love, trust, and respect to adventure, learning, or community service. Recognizing and embracing these central values can help families create a strong, cohesive identity and navigate challenges with greater resilience.

In contrast, Brown suggests there are two other systems families can fall into: “parent-centered” and “child-centered.” These two systems focus on one relationship dynamic instead of the entire family. The danger of these systems lies in the inherent neglect of one relationship and the dissonance that can build over time.

So, how do you know what type of family-centered system you’re currently participating in or leading? Think about the how and why behind your decision-making. A family-centered approach requires conversations with the entire family regularly. The value of shared time together, boundaries, and respect for one another’s likes, dislikes, and needs should be shared openly. Everyone’s voice is heard at the table without judgment or fear. Decisions should be made based on the consensus of the entire family’s needs, wants, and desires.

Here are a few steps to help you implement the family-centered system in your home:

1. Reflect together. Start by having an open conversation with your family about what matters most to each member. This can be a casual chat during dinner or a more structured family meeting. Ask questions like, “What makes our family special?” or “What do we want to be known for?”

2. Look for patterns. Pay attention to recurring themes in your family’s activities and traditions. Do you prioritize spending time outdoors, supporting each other’s hobbies, or volunteering in the community? These patterns can provide clues about your family’s core values.

3. Create a family mission statement: Based on your discussions, draft a mission statement that encapsulates your family’s central values. This statement can serve as a guiding principle for making decisions and setting priorities.

4. Set goals aligned with your values. Once you’ve identified your family’s core values, set specific goals that reflect these principles. If adventure is a central value, plan regular family outings or vacations to explore new places. If learning is a priority, create a family book club or dedicate time each week to learning something new together.

5. Make time for connection. It’s crucial to carve out regular time for family connection. This could be a weekly game night, a daily walk, or a monthly family meeting to check in on everyone’s well-being and discuss upcoming plans.

6. Celebrate your values. Find ways to celebrate your family’s core values regularly. This could involve acknowledging acts of kindness, sharing successes, or commemorating special occasions that reflect your family’s mission statement.

7. Adapt and evolve. Families grow and change over time, so it’s important to revisit and revise your family’s mission statement and goals periodically. This ensures that your family-centered system remains relevant and meaningful.

By intentionally centering your family and the decisions you make around shared values, you can build a stronger, more connected family unit. Brené Brown’s family-centered system theory provides a roadmap for fostering deeper connections, greater resilience, and lasting happiness. As we navigate the complexities of modern life, let’s remember to keep what truly matters at the heart of our families.

Caregiving is often viewed as a noble and selfless act, a testament to an immense strength of love and commitment. However, the emotional and physical toll it takes on romantic relationships is a reality many couples face in silence.

Whether you’re a parent caring for young children, an adult child caring for elderly parents, or a spouse caring for your partner with a disability, it’s crucial to acknowledge how caregiving can strain your relationship and what can be done to counteract these effects.

There’s an intense strain hidden in caregiving that can introduce a myriad of stressors into a relationship.

According to research by the American Psychological Association, caregivers are more likely to experience high levels of stress and depression, which can lead to emotional exhaustion.

This exhaustion often manifests as irritability, decreased sexual desire, and a lack of emotional availability.

Dr. John Gottman emphasizes the importance of emotional connection in maintaining a healthy relationship. When one partner becomes a caregiver, a role shift can disrupt this connection. The caregiver may feel isolated and unsupported, while the other partner might feel neglected or guilty for presumably adding to their stress.

Effective communication, however, is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship, becoming even more crucial in caregiving situations. Dr. Julie Gottman, co-founder of the Gottman Institute, suggests regular “stress-reducing conversations.” These are not problem-solving sessions but opportunities for each partner to express their feelings and concerns without judgment.

Scheduling these conversations can prevent resentment from building up and ensure that both partners feel heard and valued. It’s also essential to express gratitude for each other’s efforts, no matter how small. Simple acknowledgments can go a long way in maintaining a positive atmosphere.

While finding balance is difficult, consistently pursuing it is key to sustaining caregiving responsibilities and relationship health.

Here are a few strategies to keep in mind:

Set Boundaries:

Clearly define caregiving roles and responsibilities to avoid burnout. The caregiver needs to have time to themselves to recharge.

Seek Support:

Utilize respite care services and support groups, or enlist the help of family and friends. Sharing the caregiving load can alleviate stress and provide much-needed breaks.

Prioritize Intimacy:

Physical and emotional intimacy should not be neglected. Plan regular date nights or intimate moments to reconnect as a couple. It doesn’t have to be extravagant – even a quiet evening at home can reignite the spark.

Professional Help:

Couples counseling can be invaluable. Therapists trained in caregiving issues can provide strategies tailored to your specific situation. Online therapy platforms make therapy more accessible than ever.

Self-Care:

For caregivers, this might mean taking a walk, reading, or pursuing a hobby. The supportive spouse and/or the care recipient should also engage in activities that improve their well-being.

Caregiving is indeed a profound act of love, but it doesn’t have to come at the cost of your romantic relationship. By recognizing its unique challenges and actively working to address them, couples can emerge stronger and more connected. As Dr. Sue Johnson, the developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), says, “Love is a continual process of tuning in, connecting, missing, and misreading cues, and, at times, disconnecting and repairing.” Embrace this process, and remember that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

In the end, the goal is not just to survive seasons of caregiving but to thrive together. Using these suggested tips can ensure that both partners feel loved, supported, and understood no matter how chaotic or busy life may be.

If you’re a parent, you’ve more than likely experienced a toddler’s extreme desire for independence.

From age two to four, many children are determined to “do it myself.” 

But, have you ever experienced an adult who doesn’t “need help?” They’re so determined to do everything on their own they refuse to delegate, ask others for assistance or set boundaries.

Or are you the one who doesn’t “need help?” Do you pride yourself on your ability to do everything independently and shy away from situations that feel remotely interdependent or out of your control?

I am currently nine months pregnant. I’m uncomfortable, slow, and my brain capacity is lower than I care to admit. I recently met with a fellow non-profit leader and a leadership team member. I stood up to throw my water cup away and heard:

“Lauren, I can take that to the trash. Don’t worry about it!” 

“Lauren, I could’ve taken your cup with mine!” 

“Lauren, seriously, you don’t have to do that…” 

I ignored these advances and did it myself. No big deal. Then I heard my leadership team member say, “Lauren does everything by herself. Even at 9 months pregnant. And there’s nothing anyone can do about it.”

We laughed. We moved on. But that statement stuck with me. Is it true? Am I too independent? How does independence develop in us over time? What happens when people are too independent in relationships? How often do I say, “I don’t need help?”

“As valuable as having a sense of independence is, taken to an extreme, this can actually get in the way of us being able to connect with others in a meaningful way,” says Jodi Clarke, a Licensed Professional Counselor.

Clarke says those with an extraordinary sense of independence may find it difficult to achieve emotional intimacy in romantic relationships.

In a work or school environment, these individuals may struggle to work on a team, collaborate well or share projects with others.

What makes some individuals need more independence than others? According to Dr. Amy Marschall, a Clinical Psychologist, extreme independence or hyper-independence can be a trauma response. Although, not everyone who experiences trauma will have the same response. Some people have the opposite reaction by believing they are incapable of independence.  

Trauma can refer to an event or series of events that occurred to a person, such as a car accident, death, or abuse. Trauma can also refer to mounting emotional and relational experiences over time, typically from childhood and/or adolescence.

Examples of trauma that can lead to hyper-independence include:

  • Being consistently told that it’s weak or unacceptable to receive help from others.
  • Experiencing neglect in a physical, mental, emotional, or relational sense.
  • Feeling unsafe or distrusting in a relationship with a caregiver and unable to trust those in authority fully.
  • Experiencing high uncertainty and unstableness leads to seeking control in every situation and aspect of life.

In other words, highly independent people have developed a need for self-preservation and control out of a necessity to survive. They haven’t had the opportunity to learn how to trust anyone other than themselves and build healthy, interdependent relationship skills and habits. 

After some reflection, I don’t think I’m hyper-independent. Still, I have some very independent tendencies in my relationships and roles in life.

To ensure I’m not creating an unhealthy bubble of self-dependence and pushing away those I love and care for, I’ve decided to stay aware and open by focusing on these five steps:

  1. Let go of perfectionism. Allow others to do things the way they do them.
  2. Accept there is a lack of control in every situation.
  3. Assess the cost of not asking for or accepting help from others.
  4. Normalize asking for help and avoid seeing it as a sign of weakness.
  5. Learn the art of delegation.

If you’re questioning your level of independence in relationships and relational environments, I encourage you to dig deeper: 

  1. Assess your desire for independence. 
  2. Ask yourself questions. Where did my independence come from? How extreme is it?
  3. Focus on the five steps above. 

Your relationships, family, and co-workers will thank you in the end.

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First and can be contacted at [email protected].

Photo by Tegan Mierle on Unsplash

Have you ever wondered why some adult children become distant from their parents? It’s a big issue, affecting 40% of adult children in the United States, according to a study by Cornell University. Surprisingly, it’s often the adult children who choose to end communication.

Digging into this issue, David Brooks, a respected writer for The New York Times, conducted research. He found that parenting styles change over time. What might seem normal to one generation might not feel right to the next. This shift is a major reason why families grow apart.

Karl Pillemer, another researcher from Cornell, explored this topic in his book Fault Lines. He discovered that adult children often point to things like strict rules, favoritism, divorce, and strained communication as reasons for the rift. However, parents may remember things differently, thinking everything was fine and blaming their children for exaggerating.

But don’t worry if you find yourself in this situation, there’s still hope. Whether you’re an adult child who feels their parents fell short or a parent who tried their best, you can mend things if you both want to.

Here are five steps you both adult children and their parents can take to improve the situation:

  1. Communicate Openly: Before discussing feelings, ensure everyone listens without interruption or judgment. It’s crucial to create a safe space where everyone can express themselves using “I” statements to avoid blaming.
  2. Apologize Sincerely: Both parents and adult children should apologize for any mistakes. Parents must genuinely express remorse, even if they didn’t intend to cause harm. Adult children should try to understand their parents’ perspectives.
  3. Forgive and Let Go: Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting, but it involves releasing negative feelings. Both parties need to forgive and ask for forgiveness to move forward.
  4. Rebuild Trust and Set Boundaries: Trust takes time to rebuild. Establish clear rules for how to treat each other, respecting personal space and feelings.
  5. Foster Empathy and Understanding: Recognize that everyone has their own perspective. Even if you were a good parent, your adult child might still choose to distance themselves. It’s crucial to listen and understand each other’s viewpoints.

If we don’t try to understand, more families might drift apart. Let’s focus on listening, apologizing, and rebuilding relationships to keep families close.

My family dances together regularly. Cooking dinner? We’re jamming to Usher or Queen. Have twenty minutes to spare before bathtime? We’re grooving around the house to Lecrae or Justin Bieber. It’s a holiday? You can bet at least half of my 32-member family is gathered in the kitchen, singing and moving to yacht rock or 2000s pop.

A few years ago, my sister posted a video of one of our dance fests on social media. The next day, I received a long text from someone sharing how they wished their family could be more like my family… having fun together, laughing, dancing, and making memories. At first, I felt sad for this person. They clearly had a desire for a family environment they had never been able to experience before. Then, I realized they were making an assumption based on one 15-second video. They didn’t see the years of heartache and loss my family navigated through, the arguments we’ve had over politics, religion and parenting, or the moments of frustration and miscommunication that inevitably led to heated conversations and boundaries. It’s true we have fun together, but there’s also a long list of challenges and trials we’ve endured.

Relationship envy is a tricky yet common issue to navigate.

From the gorgeous married couple who travels the world to the family who dances in the kitchen, social media and misplaced assumptions can create a deep-seated game of comparison.

Here’s a truth to remember: Seeing a moment doesn’t reveal the full picture.

In other words, seeing a husband and wife who are caring, considerate, and affectionate towards each other at a dinner party doesn’t mean they haven’t had their fair share of ups and downs. Study after study reveals couples who stick together through hard seasons will inevitably come out stronger and more connected on the other side. Still, we experience relationship envy because we so desperately desire a deep connection with those we love. So often, we don’t know how to build that connection. Then when we see snapshots of others holding hands, laughing, dancing, etc., we assume their relationship is amazing and ours are lacking in some way.

More than eight in ten U.S. adults (83%) say spending time with family provides them a great deal or quite a bit of meaning and fulfillment, according to a Pew Research Center survey conducted in 2022. However, a similar survey concluded that Americans only see extended family once a year, typically around a holiday. Likewise, a different survey of 6,000 married couples revealed that 90% of couples enjoy spending time together and find it beneficial for their relationship, but they only go on dates an average of 3 times per year.

What if relationship envy isn’t bred from a lack in our own relationships, but misplaced priorities?

If we desire to have closer, more connected, and “fun” relationships, we have to invest our time, energy, and resources into making those things happen. You can’t enjoy life together if you don’t spend time together. The more time and energy you give to the people you care about, the more memories and experiences you’ll share with them – good and bad.

Likewise, taking the “grass is always greener” approach limits your capacity to see and expand on the positives in your relationships.

Justin Buckingham, a psychology professor at Towson University, and the researcher Lavonia Smith LeBeau developed the “relationship social comparison scale.” They found that people who frequently compared their relationships to others were more likely to experience “low relationship satisfaction, feelings of commitment, and feelings of intimacy.” On a larger scale, French sociologist Pierre Bourdieu called this “positional suffering,” or the notion that our pain is created not so much by what we have, but by what we have in relation to others. Practicing envy creates feelings of pain, doubt, and dissatisfaction.

What’s the antidote to envy?

Practicing gratitude and self-awareness. Being thankful for what you do have instead of focusing on what you don’t will shift your mindset and point of view over time. Self-awareness allows you to focus on what you do have control over instead of what you can’t control.

To my friend who longs for her family to dance in the kitchen: turn on the music and let loose. If no one joins you, so be it. You can’t control what your family members do or don’t do, but you can be the one to start something new. You can choose to focus on the things your family does to enjoy each other’s company: telling stories, reading, sharing life, eating meals – there’s no right or wrong way to be together. Prioritizing your own relationships will give you less time and capacity to envy others.

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First and can be contacted at [email protected].

Photo by Raychan on Unsplash

We are all guilty of phubbing whether we’re aware of it or not.

Answered a text during family dinner? You phubbed. Checked your notifications during a meeting your colleague was leading? Phubbed again. Decided to scroll through social media during your downtime instead of calling your close friend or family member? Major phub.

Phubbing is the act of ignoring your companions or relationships to give attention to your phone or device. In other words, you are snubbing others for your phone. 

While many parents complain of feeling snubbed by their teens for technology, it’s clear adults are also struggling with the distracting screens.

Researchers now have a clear picture of how phubbing impacts adult relationships. A recent tech report released by the Institute for Family Studies found that 1 in 7 parents of teens (15%) use their phones or other digital devices “almost constantly” during conversations, meals, or family events. Also, using a sample of 145 adults, researchers James Roberts and Meredith David found that regular phubbing between romantic partners leads to relationship dissatisfaction.

A new report from the Wheatley Institute surveyed 2,000 married couples. It found that 37% of married Americans (roughly one-third) feel their spouse is often focused on a device in place of having a conversation or spending time together. Interestingly enough, this statistic varies greatly between socioeconomic status. Phubbing is worse among lower-income couples, with 44% reporting their spouse is distracted by their phone compared to only 31% of higher-income couples.

It makes sense that phone usage would create frustration in a marriage, but this study reveals even more.

Couples who experience excessive phone use are less happy about their marriage than others.

Only about 6 in 10 married adults whose spouse is often on the phone (59%) say they are “very happy” with their marriage, compared with 81% of those who don’t struggle with this issue. More so, 1 in 5 married adults (21%) with a spouse who overuses a phone say they are not happy with their marriage, compared with only 8% of couples who do not report the phone as an issue.

Of course, the question has to be asked: Is phubbing the real issue?

Or are there other factors in the marriage that increase the phubbing behavior? According to the Wheatley report, infrequent sex and fewer date nights may be contributing to lower marital satisfaction among couples who have a phone problem. Fewer than half of these couples (44%) have sex at least once a week, and about 1 in 5 of these couples (23%) report that either they haven’t had sex at all in the past 12 months (11%) or only once or twice (12%).

In contrast, couples with greater control over their phones are more likely to report more frequent sex and date nights.

Smartphones get a lot of blame for relationship and mental health issues. There’s no doubt that correlations exist between relationship dissatisfaction, loneliness, anxiety, and smartphone usage. But smartphones themselves aren’t the real issue–phubbing is. Whether couples find themselves using their devices to avoid spending time together or they slowly slide into prioritizing their phones over each other, phubbing is a choice. It’s something to be aware of and practice against for the health of ourselves and our relationships.

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First and can be contacted at [email protected].

Photo by Kev Costello on Unsplash