What To Do If Your Teen Is Having Sex

You overheard something. You saw something. Maybe you had a gut feeling. So you just came out and asked your teen, “Are you having sex?” You were greeted with a “duh” face and a “yes.” You kept your cool and said, “Can we talk about this? Soon?”

Now you are processing a bunch of emotions and running scenarios through your mind. 

And you’re thinking about that talk. What are you going to say? Then what?

You can get through this! Let’s take these in order:

Your Emotional Response:

This could be hitting you in a deeply personal way: Maybe because of your religious values. Maybe because you don’t want your teen to make the same mistakes you did. 

Maybe because you know all the possible consequences. Let’s face it—you may have just found out that you don’t know your teen as well as you thought you did. Maybe you are running through everything you did as a parent and trying to figure out where you went wrong.

You are going to have to sort yourself out first. Feelings of guilt, anger, disappointment, fear, and confusion are totally understandable, but they are not a healthy place for you to camp out and you are going to have to let go of them if you’re going to move forward with your teen in a healthy, productive manner. Remember, your teen might be trying to process a giant payload of emotions right now and you need to be able to help them.

Your Emotions In Perspective:

The reality is that you could have been The Best Parent Ever©  and your teen could still choose to have sex. (Biologically—they are ready, hormones are racing through their body, they occupy a culture preoccupied with sex, their peers might be exerting pressure on them, alcohol or drugs may have diminished their capacity to choose.) 

The flip side is also true. You could be the kind of parent that doesn’t know where their teen is at 11:30 on a school night and your teen could choose a life of chastity up until their wedding day. 🔎 Teens are young adults who make choices of their own despite our best parenting efforts. Let yourself off the hook and let’s start moving forward.

The Scenarios Running Through Your Mind:

• How long has this been going on?
• Was your teen pressured into this?
• Were alcohol and/or drugs involved?
• Do they even understand “consent?”
• Are they or did they get someone pregnant?
• Do they have an STD now? They think they are invincible!
• What is the legal age of consent in our state?
• Is this relationship serious or was it just a “hook up?”

These are all legitimate questions. And you’ll get to them in time. But first and foremost, you need to be thinking about your teen—their mind, heart, body, and that talk.

“That Talk” or “Your Opportunity To Build A Deeper Relationship With Your Teen”

☆ When you feel like you have your emotions in check, your mind isn’t racing, and you can find a time and place where neither of you will be distracted or interrupted, then it’s time to talk with your teen. Remember, this is a chance to build a deeper relationship with them. Some rules: No lecturing. No interrogating. No “How could you’s?” Got ‘em?

You want to be a parent that your teen feels like they can move toward. (Literally and figuratively.) This means paying attention to your body language, the volume, and tone of your voice, reserving judgment, actively listening, communicating compassion for your teen, and having a true dialogue with them.

You need some goals. 

This is not a one-time conversation, but an ongoing dialogue. Remember not to interrogate but to probe gently as you actively listen to their responses. Don’t try to cover all of this in one talk and be done with talking to your teen about sex. When it comes to sex, you want your teen to have a healthy mind, heart, and body. 

You want them to understand that once sex enters the relationship everything changes and gets complicated. “Do they really like me or just like having sex?” “This was an expensive date—does it come with ‘strings’ attached?” “If it wasn’t for the sexual part of our relationship, would we still be dating?”

1. A Healthy Mind:

• What are their thoughts about having sex and how do they believe it will impact their relationship?
• Do they understand where you stand on them being sexually active and why?
• Do they understand the risks of and responsibilities that come with being sexually active?
• Have they thought toward the future and understand the impact that having many sexual partners will have on a future committed relationship?
• Do they understand how their life would change if they got someone pregnant or became pregnant? 
• Do they understand consent and the legalities involved?

2. A Healthy Heart:

Do they:

• Understand the role that sex plays in a relationship?
• Know the signs of a healthy relationship?
• Recognize the signs of an unhealthy relationship?
• Know the signs of an abusive relationship?
• Have smart boundaries in a relationship? Are they strong enough to enforce those boundaries?
• Know what to do if they feel pressured to do something they don’t want to do? (Do you have a codeword or phrase that they can use in a call or text that indicates they are uncomfortable and need out of a situation?)
• Understand how to work through guilt and forgive themselves if they regret having sex?
• Have the self-awareness to recognize the signs of depression, anxiety, and stress in their life?

3. A Healthy Body:

• Do they understand they need to be tested for STDs & STIs? 

(No matter how much they protest that they had “safe sex.”)

• Do they understand that they will need a pregnancy test and visit to a doctor? (Again, no matter how much they protest that they had “safe sex.”)
• Do they know how to protect themselves against pregnancy and STDs, even if you have expressed that you don’t approve of them being sexually active?

Follow-Up:

Your teen might have been in a heightened emotional state while you were having this conversation about sex. It might take a few days for them to process what was discussed. A couple of days later, you might want to ask them what thoughts or questions they have about your talk. Remember, this was not a “one and done” conversation. Keep the dialogue going by being an “askable” parent. Let them know they can talk to you about whatever, whenever. 

★ Make sure your teen knows you love them no matter what. 

First Things First Resources:

• Teen Sex And The Brain
• Sexting And Your Teen 
• Can Your Kids Ask You About Sex?
• Talking To Your Teen About Sex
• What Parents Need To Know About Preventing Teen Pregnancy
• 10 Tips For Parents To Prevent Teen Pregnancy

Other Resources:

• GirlsHealth
• I Wanna Know
• My Life As A Teen Mom
• Your Guide to Safe & Responsible Sex
• National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy
• Your Teen Is Now Sexually Active, Now What?
• How to React if You Find Out Your Teen is Sexually Active 

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