You overheard something. You saw something. Maybe you had a gut feeling. So you just came out and asked your teen, “Are you having sex?” You were greeted with a “duh” face and a “yes.” You kept your cool and said, “Can we talk about this? Soon?”
Now you are processing a bunch of emotions and running scenarios through your mind.
And you’re thinking about that talk. What are you going to say? Then what?
You can get through this! Let’s take these in order:
Your Emotional Response:
This could be hitting you in a deeply personal way: Maybe because of your religious values. Maybe because you don’t want your teen to make the same mistakes you did.
Maybe because you know all the possible consequences. Let’s face it—you may have just found out that you don’t know your teen as well as you thought you did. Maybe you are running through everything you did as a parent and trying to figure out where you went wrong.
You are going to have to sort yourself out first. Feelings of guilt, anger, disappointment, fear, and confusion are totally understandable, but they are not a healthy place for you to camp out and you are going to have to let go of them if you’re going to move forward with your teen in a healthy, productive manner. Remember, your teen might be trying to process a giant payload of emotions right now and you need to be able to help them.
The flip side is also true. You could be the kind of parent that doesn’t know where their teen is at 11:30 on a school night and your teen could choose a life of chastity up until their wedding day. 🔎 Teens are young adults who make choices of their own despite our best parenting efforts. Let yourself off the hook and let’s start moving forward.
Is this relationship serious or was it just a “hook up?”
These are all legitimate questions. And you’ll get to them in time. But first and foremost, you need to be thinking about your teen—their mind, heart, body, and that talk.
“That Talk” or “Your Opportunity To Build A Deeper Relationship With Your Teen”
☆ When you feel like you have your emotions in check, your mind isn’t racing, and you can find a time and place where neither of you will be distracted or interrupted, then it’s time to talk with your teen. Remember, this is a chance to build a deeper relationship with them. Some rules: No lecturing. No interrogating. No “How could you’s?” Got ‘em?
You want to be a parent that your teen feels like they can move toward. (Literally and figuratively.) This means paying attention to your body language, the volume, and tone of your voice, reserving judgment, actively listening, communicating compassion for your teen, and having a true dialogue with them.
You need some goals.
This is not a one-time conversation, but an ongoing dialogue. Remember not to interrogate but to probe gently as you actively listen to their responses. Don’t try to cover all of this in one talk and be done with talking to your teen about sex. When it comes to sex, you want your teen to have a healthy mind, heart, and body.
You want them to understand that once sex enters the relationship everything changes and gets complicated. “Do they really like me or just like having sex?” “This was an expensive date—does it come with ‘strings’ attached?” “If it wasn’t for the sexual part of our relationship, would we still be dating?”
1. A Healthy Mind:
What are their thoughts about having sex and how do they believe it will impact their relationship?
Do they understand where you stand on them being sexually active and why?
Do they understand the risks of and responsibilities that come with being sexually active?
Have they thought toward the future and understand the impact that having many sexual partners will have on a future committed relationship?
Do they understand how their life would change if they got someone pregnant or became pregnant?
Do they understand consent and the legalities involved?
2. A Healthy Heart:
Understand the role that sex plays in a relationship?
Have smart boundaries in a relationship? Are they strong enough to enforce those boundaries?
Know what to do if they feel pressured to do something they don’t want to do? (Do you have a codeword or phrase that they can use in a call or text that indicates they are uncomfortable and need out of a situation?)
Understand how to work through guilt and forgive themselves if they regret having sex?
Have the self-awareness to recognize the signs of depression, anxiety, and stress in their life?
3. A Healthy Body:
Do they understand they need to be tested for STDs & STIs?
(No matter how much they protest that they had “safe sex.”)
Do they understand that they will need a pregnancy test and visit to a doctor? (Again, no matter how much they protest that they had “safe sex.”)
Do they know how to protect themselves against pregnancy and STDs, even if you have expressed that you don’t approve of them being sexually active?
Your teen might have been in a heightened emotional state while you were having this conversation about sex. It might take a few days for them to process what was discussed. A couple of days later, you might want to ask them what thoughts or questions they have about your talk. Remember, this was not a “one and done” conversation. Keep the dialogue going by being an “askable” parent. Let them know they can talk to you about whatever, whenever.
★ Make sure your teen knows you love them no matter what.
https://firstthings.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/pexels-taryn-elliott-4652246-scaled-e1598014746244.jpg179450John Daumhttps://firstthings.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/ftf-logo-300x186.pngJohn Daum2020-08-21 09:02:312022-06-24 12:05:37What To Do If Your Teen Is Having Sex
The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy has reviewed research about parental influences on children’s sexual behavior and talked to many experts in the field, as well as to teens and parents. From these sources, it’s clear that there’s a lot parents and adults can do to reduce the risk of children becoming pregnant before they’ve grown up.
Presented here as “10 tips,” many of these lessons will seem familiar. They articulate what parents already know from experience – the importance of maintaining strong, close relationships with children and teens, setting clear expectations and communicating honestly and often about important matters.
Finally, although these tips are for parents, they can be used by other adults, too.
So, what can you do?
1. Be clear about your own sexual values and attitudes.
Communicating with your children about sex, love and relationships is often more successful when you’re sure in your own mind about these issues. To help clarify your attitudes and values, think about questions like these:
What do you really think about school-aged teenagers being sexually active – perhaps even becoming parents?
Who is responsible for setting sexual limits in a relationship and how is that done realistically?
Were you sexually active as a teenager and how do you feel about that now?
Were you sexually active before you were married?
What do such reflections lead you to say to your own children about these issues?
What do you think about encouraging teenagers to abstain from sex?
How do you feel about teenagers using contraceptives?
2. Talk with your children early and often about sex, and be specific.
Children have lots of questions about sex, and they often say that the source they’d most like to go to for answers is their parents. Start the conversation, and make sure that it is honest, open and respectful. If you can’t think of how to start the discussion, consider using situations shown on television or in the movies as conversation starters. Tell them candidly and confidently what you think and why you take these positions; if you’re not sure about some issues, tell them that, too. Be sure to have a two-way conversation, not a one-way lecture. Ask them what they think and what they know so you can correct misconceptions. Ask what, if anything, worries them.
Age-appropriate conversations about relationships and intimacy should begin early in a child’s life and continue through adolescence. Resist the idea that there should be just one conversation about all this – you know – “the talk.” The truth is that parents and children should be talking about sex and love all along. This applies to sons and daughters and to mothers and fathers, incidentally. All children need a lot of communication, guidance and information about these issues, even if they sometimes don’t appear to be interested in what you have to say. And if you have regular conversations, you won’t worry so much about making a mistake or saying something not quite right, because you’ll always be able to talk again.
Many inexpensive books and videos are available to help with any detailed information you might need, but don’t let your lack of technical information make you shy. Children need as much help in understanding the meaning of sex as they do in understanding how all the body parts work. Tell them about love and sex, and what the difference is. And remember to talk about the reasons that children find sex interesting and enticing; discussing only the “downside” of unplanned pregnancy and disease misses many of the issues on teenagers’ minds.
Here are the kinds of questions children say they want to discuss:
How do I know if I’m in love?
Will sex bring me closer to my girlfriend/boyfriend?How will I know when I’m ready to have sex?
Should I wait until marriage?
Will having sex make me popular?
Will it make me more grown-up and open up more adult activities for me?
Can I tell my boyfriend/girlfriend that I don’t want to have sex without losing him/her or hurting his feelings?
How do I manage pressure from my boyfriend/girlfriend to have sex?
How does contraception work?
Are some methods better than others? Are they safe?
Can you get pregnant the first time?
3. In addition to being an askable parent, be a parent with a point of view. Tell your children what you think. Don’t be reluctant to say, for example:
I think kids in high school are too young to have sex, especially given today’s risk.
Our family religion says that sex should be an expression of love within marriage.
Finding yourself in a sexually-charged situation is not unusual; you need to think about how you’ll handle it in advance. Have a plan. Will you say “no?” Will you use contraception? How will you negotiate all this?
It’s okay to think about sex and to feel sexual desire. Everybody does! But it’s not okay to get pregnant /get somebody pregnant as a teenagers.
One of the many reasons I’m concerned about teens drinking is that it often leads to sex.
(For boys) Having a baby doesn’t make you a man. Being able to wait and acting responsibly does.
(For girls) You don’t have to have sex to keep a boyfriend. If sex is the price of a close relationship, find someone else.
By the way, research clearly shows that talking with your children about sex does not encourage them to become sexually active. And remember that your own behavior should match your words. The “do as I say, not as I do” approach is bound to lose with children and teenagers, who are careful and constant observers of the adults in their lives.
Supervise and monitor your children and adolescents. Establish rules, curfews, and standards of expected behavior, preferably through an open process of family discussion and respectful communication. If your children get out of school at 3 p.m. and you don’t get home from work until 6 p.m., who is responsible for making certain that your children are not only safe during those hours, but also are engaged in useful activities? Where are they when they go out with friends? Are there adults around who are in charge? Supervising and monitoring your child’s whereabouts doesn’t make you a nag; it makes you a parent.
4. Know your children’s friends and their families.
Friends have a strong influence on each other, so help your children and teenagers become friends with people whose families share your values. Some parents of teens even arrange to meet with the parents of their children’s friends to establish common rules and expectations. It is easier to enforce a curfew that all your child’s friends share rather than one that makes him or her different – even if your views don’t match those of other parents. Hold fast to your convictions. Welcome your children’s friends into your home and talk to them openly.
Group activities among young people are fine and often fun, but allowing teens to begin steady, one-on-one dating before age 16 can lead to trouble. Let your child know about strong feelings about this throughout childhood – don’t wait until your young teen proposes a plan that differs from your preferences in this area; otherwise, he or she will think you just don’t like the particular person or invitation.
6. Take a strong stand against your daughter dating a boy significantly older than she is.
And don’t allow your son to develop an intense relationship with girls much younger than he is. Older guys can seem glamorous to a young girl; sometimes they even have money and a car to boot! But the risk of matters getting out of hand increases when the guy is much older than the girl is. Try setting a limit of no more than a two- (or at the most, three-) year age difference. The power differences between younger girls and older boys or men can lead girls into risky situations, including unwanted sex with no protection.
7. Help your teenagers to have options for the future that are more attractive than early pregnancy and parenthood.
The chances that your children will delay sex, pregnancy and parenthood are significantly increased if their futures appear bright. This means helping them set meaningful goals for the future, talking to them about what it takes to make future plans come true, and helping them reach their goals. Tell them for example, that if they want to be a teacher, they will need to stay in school in order to earn various degrees and pass certain exams. It also means teaching them to use free time in a constructive way, such as setting aside certain times to complete homework assignments. Explain how becoming pregnant – or causing pregnancy – can derail the best of plans; for example, childcare expenses can make it almost impossible to afford college. Community service, in particular, not only teaches job skills, but can also put teens in touch with a wide variety of committed and caring adults.
8. Let children know that you value education highly.
Encourage your children to take school seriously and set high expectations about their school performance. School failure is often the first sign of trouble that can end in teenage parenthood. Be very attentive to your children’s progress in school and intervene early if things aren’t going well. Keep track of your children’s grades and discuss them together. Meet with teachers and principals, guidance counselors and coaches. Limit the number of hours your teenager gives to part-time jobs (20 hours per week should be the maximum) so that there is enough time and energy left to focus on school. Know about homework assignments and support your child in getting them done. Volunteer at the school, if possible. Schools want more parental involvement and will often try to accommodate your work schedule, if asked.
9. Know what your children are watching, reading and listening to.
The media (television, radio, movies, music videos, magazines, and the Internet) are chock full of material sending the wrong messages. Sex rarely has meaning, unplanned pregnancy seldom happens, and few people having sex ever seem to be married or even especially committed to anyone. Is this consistent with your expectations and values? If not, it is important to talk with your children about what the media portray and what you think about it. If certain programs or movies offend you say so, and explain why. Be “media literate” – think about what you and your family are watching and reading. Encourage your children to think critically: ask them what they think about the programs they watch and the music they listen to.
You can always turn the TV off, cancel subscriptions and place certain movies off limits. You will probably not be able to fully control what children see and hear, but you can certainly make your views known and control your own home environment.
10. These first nine tips for helping your children avoid teen pregnancy work best when they occur as part of strong, close relationships with your children that are built from early age.
Strive for a relationship that is warm in tone, firm in discipline and rich in communication, and one that emphasizes mutual trust and respect. There is no single way to create such relationships, but the following habits of the heart can help:
Express love and affection clearly and often. Hug your children, and tell them how much they mean to you. Praise specific accomplishments, but remember that expressions of affection should be offered freely, not just for a particular achievement.
Listen carefully to what your children say and pay thoughtful attention to what they do.
Spend time with your children engaged in activities that suit their ages and interests, not just yours. Shared experiences build a “bank account” of affection and trust that forms the basis for future communication with them about specific topics, including sexual behavior.
Be supportive and be interested in what interests them. Attend their sports events; learn about their hobbies; be enthusiastic about their achievements, even the little ones; ask them questions that show you care and want to know what is going on in their lives.
Be courteous and respectful to your children and avoid hurtful teasing or ridicule. For example, don’t compare your teenager with other family members (i.e., why can’t you be like your older sister?). Show that you expect courtesy and respect in return.
Help them build self-esteem by mastering skills; remember, self-esteem is earned, not given, and one of the best ways to earn it is by doing something well.
Try to have meals together as a family as often as possible, and use the time for conversation, not confrontation.
It’s never too late to improve a relationship with your child or teenager.
Don’t underestimate the great need that children feel at all ages for a close relationship with their parents and for their parents’ guidance, approval and support.