How to Help Your Teen Deal With a Breakup
One of the most challenging things for a parent to handle is when their child experiences pain. Whether it’s a scraped knee from learning to ride a bike or a bump on the chin from running around, you hurt when your child hurts. Sadly, you can’t always protect them as they grow up. For example, there’s heartbreak after a relationship has ended. How do you help your teen with the pain of a breakup when all you want to do is stop them from hurting?
It can be tricky, but these do’s and don’ts can guide you as you try to help your teen deal with a breakup.
Do:
Recognize that breaking up is a process.
Today’s breakup looks different from the old-school breakup, which may have included burning everything tied to the ex. These days, it takes time for the relationship to end.
Empathize with what your teen is feeling.
Say something like, I would imagine this is hard. Or ask, What can I do to help? This lets your teen know that you care and are there for them when they need it.
Try to be a good listener.
Now’s the time to practice your listening skills. Be open to what your teen says. Take advantage of the little moments. When you ask with care and gentleness, they become more receptive and less defensive.
Expect emotions.
It may sound cliché, but breaking up is hard to do. Your teen may experience various emotions, ranging from anger, disappointment, embarrassment, loneliness, or sadness. Support them as they feel what they feel.
Understand that breakups cause ripple effects in different areas of their lives.
So much of your teen’s life is interconnected, so being aware of how the breakup affects the different parts is huge. School is a prime example. Are they in the same clubs or classes with their ex? Will friends choose sides? And let’s not forget what happens on IG or Snapchat.
Help your teen process what they learned about themselves from the relationship and the breakup.
The process of dating teaches teens things like:
- what they like
- what they don’t like,
- who is a good match for them and who isn’t
Your teen also learns what was good about the relationship, what they discovered about themselves from the relationship, and what they would do differently going forward.
Share with your teen that breakups are a natural part of dating relationships.
As your teen continues to date, there will probably be more breakups when at least one party isn’t enjoying the relationship anymore. And since most people don’t marry the person they date as teenagers, lead your child to learn more about themselves and how they will date differently.
Encourage them to get back to their “normal” routine.
After the initial shock of the breakup, encourage your teen to get back into the swing of things. If you loosen the rules about chores or allow them to take time off from their part-time job, they may need some motivation to get back on track.
Watch for signs that they aren’t bouncing back. Seek professional help when necessary.
Experiencing grief and sadness after a breakup is normal, but be aware if you notice prolonged changes to their regular eating or sleeping patterns. Do they complain of stomach aches or headaches? Avoiding school? Yes, teens have wonky sleeping and eating habits, so it can be hard to tell. This is recognizing changes in your child’s patterns.
Don’t:
Try to fix it.
Accept that you can’t fix this. Support your teen as they go through it. Calling their ex’s parents only complicates things.
Make it about you.
When talking with your teen, keep the focus on them. Yes, you have personal experiences, but share the lessons you learned without overidentifying. Encourage them to become the best version of themselves, not a carbon copy of you.
Allow them to vent exclusively via technology. (Facebook, IG, Snapchat, etc.)
The internet isn’t the place to air feelings or grievances about the ex, relationship, and breakup. Once it’s out there, everyone can see it – forever.
Minimize the relationship.
Most teen relationships develop out of parents’ view, either in school or via technological means (e.g., text, FaceTime, messaging, etc.). The relationship may not seem genuine or a big deal to you. However, it’s front and center in your teen’s life.
Don’t bad mouth the ex – even if it’s true.
Saying negative things to cheer up your teen isn’t helpful. (Things like, They weren’t good enough for you, or I didn’t like them anyway.) Teens often get back together. Try to show support without tearing others down.
No matter how much you want to keep your children from experiencing pain, it’s inevitable. Guiding them toward more self-awareness and resilience through the breakup process can help them grow and remember the purpose of healthy dating. Then, you can frame the breakup as a success, not a failure. Dating is about finding a good match. At this time, it wasn’t a good one for them. Dating worked. They figured it out.
Other blogs:
How to Be an Emotionally Safe Parent – First Things First
8 Warning Signs of Unhealthy Dating Relationships – First Things First
Dating Violence in the Digital Age – First Things First
How To Make Sure Your Child Knows You Love Them – First Things First
4 Ways to Encourage an Insecure Teen (And 2 Things Not to Do)
It’s hard to watch our teens feel insecure or see them lacking self-confidence. We want to encourage them to be more confident in themselves. So, we often have specific knee-jerk reactions to their insecurity. It’s easy to understand why.
As parents, we…
- Want them to see themselves in all the wonderful ways we see them.
- Know a lack of confidence can keep them from trying new things and finding their passions.
- Understand how confidence is a valuable character quality and will help them be successful in life.
Fortunately, we don’t have to just watch them oozing insecurity and low self-confidence.
Here are four things you can do to help encourage an insecure teen. But first, a couple of things NOT to do.
We sometimes try these two “shortcuts to security,” but they often make matters worse.
- We Over-Praise Our Teens. Teens can sniff this out right away—especially if they just finished some low-risk, easy task or they know they didn’t do their best.
- We Emphasize Results Over Effort and Perseverance. Just tell them to do their best and have fun. Accept the results the way you want your teen to accept them and grow from them. (Critique behavior, NOT your teen as a person.)
Instead of parenting your insecure teen in those ways, try doing these four things:
- Be honest and vocal about your own insecurities. We all have insecurities and areas where we lack confidence. If you’re honest and talk to your teen about these things, you normalize those feelings for your teen. This is important because of what you’re going to do next…
- Model how to face your insecurities and work through your lack of confidence. Let your teen hear your positive, grounded self-talk. Allow them to see how you prepare for challenges. Tell them your goals. Be mindful of how you respond to your own successes and failures.
- Be a parent your teen wants to talk to and develop a healthy relationship with. This involves being available and regularly spending time with your teen. It means being a good listener and not overreacting or bombarding your teen with a million questions. Listen “between the lines” for the source(s) of their insecurity. Be gentle.
- Talk to your teen about social media. Model healthy media use. Yes, social media. It impacts how your teen forms and values their identity. Talk to your teen about the “unreality” of social media and the dangers of the comparison game. Your teen is looking at someone’s staged, filtered, touched-up highlight reel and comparing it to their own “behind-the-scenes” footage.
Most of us feel insecure sometimes, but some teens feel insecure most or all of the time.
—These feelings can be because of their childhood, traumatic experiences, past failures, or rejection. You’ll want to explore all these things with your teen, but you have to be the kind of parent they’ll open up to.
—Your teen may be dealing with depression, loneliness, or social anxiety they need to see a professional about. Put counseling on the table as a positive, normal step.
—Sometimes, our perfectionism or criticism has contributed to our teen’s insecurity and lack of confidence. If you feel that may be the case, be honest with your teen, own what you need to own, and apologize.
Insecurity and low self-confidence are not “light switch” problems. You can’t just flip a switch to make your teen secure and confident. Insecurity and low self-confidence are “thermostat” problems. You can’t “dial it up” for your insecure teen, but you can encourage them. Create a healthy environment, be a role model, and open the lines of communication. Then, your teen can grow in confidence and security!
Related Blogs:
5 Ways to Help Your Child Be More Confident
How to Be a Parent Your Child Wants to Talk To
5 Ways to Help Your Teen Through the Unknown
How Do I Talk to My Teen About Their Romantic Relationships?
I was sitting at my middle school son’s football game. Some parents around me were discussing who was dating who in the school. I kept quiet during the conversation, but was anxiously waiting for them to mention my son. They did. I was astonished and a little embarrassed because I was totally unaware my son was “dating.” I knew for a fact he didn’t go anywhere with anyone. That’s what I consider “dating.” All he did was talk on his phone.
How does that constitute dating?
As soon as we left the game, I must confess I blindsided him with the question, “How is your girlfriend?” [Mom Smirk.] He gave me one of those looks only a teenager could give. “Mom, I don’t have a girlfriend.” [Teen Eye Roll.] “That’s not what I heard.” The more we went back and forth, the more frustrated he became, and the angrier I became. He was ADAMANT he didn’t have a girlfriend. Truth be told, I was confused. I soon recognized that not believing him was damaging our relationship.
How could I have prevented this from happening?
Could I have better engaged my son in a conversation about his “romantic relationship?”
How can my misstep help you?
⇨ Related: 6 Tips for Teaching Your Teen Healthy Dating Habits
Learn The Language
This is a time when the teacher becomes the student. Be humble and allow your teen to teach you the new relationship lingo. Your willingness to learn and listen shows you respect your teen’s perspective and you care about what’s going on in their world.
Recognize and Accept Things Have Changed
When your teen says things have changed, believe them. The words and labels they use—DIFFERENT. The modes of communication they use—DIFFERENT. The definition of relationships—DIFFERENT. Trying to impose the “old way” on them will be met with rolled eyes, resistance, or worse.
Be An Askable Parent When You Talk to Your Teen About Romantic Relationships
Take time to listen. Be open and genuine. You might hear some “stuff” that shocks or surprises you. You have to use your poker face. You’ll be tempted to turn a conversation into an interrogation. If your teen perceives a negative reaction from you or gets bombarded with a billion questions or a long lecture, it can cause them to stop talking and create distance.
⇨ Related: How Do I Get My Teen To Talk To Me?
Build Up Your Relationship
Cultivating and maintaining your relationship with your teen provides space for this conversation. As your teen grows, your relationship with them should grow from more directive to coaching them through life and relationships. The more you try to control or force a relationship with your teen, the more they can pull away from you.
If your teen says they are in a romantic relationship, here are some conversation starters to ask your teen:
- Are you able to be yourself in the relationship?
- Do you show respect and feel respected in your relationship?
- Do you have realistic expectations about the relationship?
- Are you feeling pressured in your relationship?
- Do you feel you have the time to devote to the relationship?
The key to guiding your teen through romantic relationships is to stop being a talkative parent and become a parent your teen wants to talk to. Keeping the lines of communication open between you and your teen builds and supports the relationship.
Sure, “dating” might look different now, but there is still no substitute for a close, healthy relationship with your teen.
Check out some other blogs on healthy dating habits here:
What to Do if Your Teen is Sexting
(Part 2) – Check out Part 1, How to Talk to Your Teen About Sexting
In part one, we talked about giving your child a smartphone and what they need to know about sexting to protect themselves. Now, regardless of how you found out, you know your teenage son or daughter is sexting. Step #1, get a hold of your own emotions – embarrassment, guilt, disappointment, shock, anger – so you can have a productive conversation with your teen. If you need to go for a walk, phone a friend, talk to your spouse – whatever. It’s completely okay to tell your teen, “We’ll discuss this tomorrow.” It’s not only okay, but it is also very wise. You have thoughts to get together.
Thought #1: What do I want to accomplish with this conversation – for my teen and for myself as a parent? Don’t rush thinking this through. Have goals.
Thought #2: This isn’t going to be a one-time talk. You want to open the door for an ongoing conversation about sexting and other difficult teen conversations – pornography, sex, drugs, alcohol, dating violence, etc. You want to be an empathetic, askable parent so your teen feels comfortable talking to you about anything.
Thought #3: Try to find a time and place that allows for private undistracted, uninterrupted conversation.
[Here’s an example of a real conversation about pornography. Notice the parent doesn’t lecture, doesn’t ask a million questions, doesn’t guilt-trip their child. The parent clearly doesn’t condone pornography but is more interested in finding out their teen’s thoughts, ideas, and beliefs. This doesn’t mean there will be no consequences. But the parent is trying to build a relationship to keep these kinds of talks going.]Step 1
In a calm, direct voice, ask your teen about the circumstances around the sexting. Then wait and really listen to them without judgmental facial expressions or tones. Keep your mind and your body language open. You can disapprove of what your teen did but still be deeply concerned about them, validate their feelings, and the fallout of their choices.
✦A word about punishments for sexting. The normal, obvious go-to is to take their phone away. Maybe you need to in their situation. This might be their 5th offense. They may not be ready for the responsibility that comes with a smartphone. Maybe they need an off-the-shelf phone that just allows them to talk and text.
I don’t usually dabble in how parents punish their kids. Every kid and every family is different. I will say this: I’m a big fan of letting the universe handle some of the disciplining of my kids. I’m referring to natural and logical consequences. Sometimes the punishment is built into the poor choice. The choice to sext often has some built-in consequences like guilt, humiliation, a destroyed reputation, being bullied online and in real life, getting in trouble at school, the law getting involved, and on and on. You know your child better than anyone. How are they navigating these consequences? Do you need to drop the hammer on them or help them up? We’ve all done something we regretted. Making mistakes is a normal part of growing up. The important thing is to learn from it.✦
Step 2
Ask questions to dig just a little. NOTE: This is different than an interrogation. As you have a conversation, try to work in some of these questions.
- What do you get out of sexting? How does it make you feel?
- Did you feel pressured to do it?
- Did the recipient promise not to show anyone?
- What is considered “normal” about sexting among your peers?
- Have you received sexts? What did you do with them?
- Are there things on your phone you wouldn’t want me to see?
- What has been the fallout of your sexting?
- Do you think sexting is wrong? Why or why not?
Resist the urge to lecture or ask a million follow-up questions. Act comfortable and be direct. Show you’re really listening and trying to understand your teen and let them feel heard. You may not get to all this in one conversation. That’s okay. Know when to stop the conversation. You can always pick it back up. Let your teen know you love them no matter what.
Step 3
There are some things your teen needs to know about sexting. (They will roll their eyes. Ignore it.) You have a responsibility as a parent to make sure they know and understand certain things. So what are you supposed to do, whether you think your teen is sexting already or whether you’re worried they might start in the future? Believe it or not, you’re not powerless. So what can you do? Sheknows.com breaks it down.
- Talk to your teen. A scary thought for many of us, but one of those unavoidable responsibilities of parenting. Talk to them about the possible long-term consequences of getting involved in sexting. Like the fact that nude images of kids under age 18 are child pornography, which is illegal. Talk about the short-term consequences, like the whole school getting a hold of a “private” photo shared with a former boyfriend or girlfriend. Talk about self-esteem and self-respect. Consider how you might be setting yourself up for a lot of drama.
- Set rules. Do you let your kids drive drunk? Do you let them ride in the car with no seat belts? So why give them something as dangerous as a cell phone and not establish rules? Start random phone checks, and go through everything on it regularly.
- Take away the cell phone. Drastic, yes. But sometimes necessary when nothing else is working. If you truly don’t trust your child, why would you trust them with a tool they can use to bully others?
Resources:
Common Sense Media: Sexting Handbook
Amanda Todd YouTube Video (Some might find content disturbing.)
6 Things Every Teen Needs to Know About Sexting
Why Is Sexting a Problem for Teens?
The Consequences of Sexting for Teens
If you or a loved one are having suicidal thoughts, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 or 1-800-273-8255 for support and assistance from a trained counselor. If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call 911.
What To Do If Your Teen Is Having Sex
You overheard something. You saw something. Maybe you had a gut feeling. So you just came out and asked your teen, “Are you having sex?” You were greeted with a “duh” face and a “yes.” You kept your cool and said, “Can we talk about this? Soon?”
Now you are processing a bunch of emotions and running scenarios through your mind.
And you’re thinking about that talk. What are you going to say? Then what?
You can get through this! Let’s take these in order:
Your Emotional Response:
This could be hitting you in a deeply personal way: Maybe because of your religious values. Maybe because you don’t want your teen to make the same mistakes you did.
Maybe because you know all the possible consequences. Let’s face it—you may have just found out that you don’t know your teen as well as you thought you did. Maybe you are running through everything you did as a parent and trying to figure out where you went wrong.
You are going to have to sort yourself out first. Feelings of guilt, anger, disappointment, fear, and confusion are totally understandable, but they are not a healthy place for you to camp out and you are going to have to let go of them if you’re going to move forward with your teen in a healthy, productive manner. Remember, your teen might be trying to process a giant payload of emotions right now and you need to be able to help them.
Your Emotions In Perspective:
The reality is that you could have been The Best Parent Ever© and your teen could still choose to have sex. (Biologically—they are ready, hormones are racing through their body, they occupy a culture preoccupied with sex, their peers might be exerting pressure on them, alcohol or drugs may have diminished their capacity to choose.)
The flip side is also true. You could be the kind of parent that doesn’t know where their teen is at 11:30 on a school night and your teen could choose a life of chastity up until their wedding day. 🔎 Teens are young adults who make choices of their own despite our best parenting efforts. Let yourself off the hook and let’s start moving forward.
The Scenarios Running Through Your Mind:
- How long has this been going on?
- Was your teen pressured into this?
- Were alcohol and/or drugs involved?
- Do they even understand “consent?”
- Are they or did they get someone pregnant?
- Do they have an STD now? They think they are invincible!
- What is the legal age of consent in our state?
- Is this relationship serious or was it just a “hook up?”
These are all legitimate questions. And you’ll get to them in time. But first and foremost, you need to be thinking about your teen—their mind, heart, body, and that talk.
“That Talk” or “Your Opportunity To Build A Deeper Relationship With Your Teen”
☆ When you feel like you have your emotions in check, your mind isn’t racing, and you can find a time and place where neither of you will be distracted or interrupted, then it’s time to talk with your teen. Remember, this is a chance to build a deeper relationship with them. Some rules: No lecturing. No interrogating. No “How could you’s?” Got ‘em?
You want to be a parent that your teen feels like they can move toward. (Literally and figuratively.) This means paying attention to your body language, the volume, and tone of your voice, reserving judgment, actively listening, communicating compassion for your teen, and having a true dialogue with them.
You need some goals.
This is not a one-time conversation, but an ongoing dialogue. Remember not to interrogate but to probe gently as you actively listen to their responses. Don’t try to cover all of this in one talk and be done with talking to your teen about sex. When it comes to sex, you want your teen to have a healthy mind, heart, and body.
You want them to understand that once sex enters the relationship everything changes and gets complicated. “Do they really like me or just like having sex?” “This was an expensive date—does it come with ‘strings’ attached?” “If it wasn’t for the sexual part of our relationship, would we still be dating?”
1. A Healthy Mind:
- What are their thoughts about having sex and how do they believe it will impact their relationship?
- Do they understand where you stand on them being sexually active and why?
- Do they understand the risks of and responsibilities that come with being sexually active?
- Have they thought toward the future and understand the impact that having many sexual partners will have on a future committed relationship?
- Do they understand how their life would change if they got someone pregnant or became pregnant?
- Do they understand consent and the legalities involved?
2. A Healthy Heart:
Do they:
- Understand the role that sex plays in a relationship?
- Know the signs of a healthy relationship?
- Recognize the signs of an unhealthy relationship?
- Know the signs of an abusive relationship?
- Have smart boundaries in a relationship? Are they strong enough to enforce those boundaries?
- Know what to do if they feel pressured to do something they don’t want to do? (Do you have a codeword or phrase that they can use in a call or text that indicates they are uncomfortable and need out of a situation?)
- Understand how to work through guilt and forgive themselves if they regret having sex?
- Have the self-awareness to recognize the signs of depression, anxiety, and stress in their life?
3. A Healthy Body:
- Do they understand they need to be tested for STDs & STIs?
(No matter how much they protest that they had “safe sex.”)
- Do they understand that they will need a pregnancy test and visit to a doctor? (Again, no matter how much they protest that they had “safe sex.”)
- Do they know how to protect themselves against pregnancy and STDs, even if you have expressed that you don’t approve of them being sexually active?
Follow-Up:
Your teen might have been in a heightened emotional state while you were having this conversation about sex. It might take a few days for them to process what was discussed. A couple of days later, you might want to ask them what thoughts or questions they have about your talk. Remember, this was not a “one and done” conversation. Keep the dialogue going by being an “askable” parent. Let them know they can talk to you about whatever, whenever.
★ Make sure your teen knows you love them no matter what.
First Things First Resources:
- Teen Sex And The Brain
- Sexting And Your Teen
- Can Your Kids Ask You About Sex?
- Talking To Your Teen About Sex
- What Parents Need To Know About Preventing Teen Pregnancy
- 10 Tips For Parents To Prevent Teen Pregnancy
Other Resources:
- GirlsHealth
- I Wanna Know
- My Life As A Teen Mom
- Your Guide to Safe & Responsible Sex
- National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy
- Your Teen Is Now Sexually Active, Now What?
- How to React if You Find Out Your Teen is Sexually Active
Image from Pexels.com
What to Do When You Catch Your Teen Looking at Porn
Guilt. Shame. Shock. Anger. Confusion. What happens now? (I’m talking about how parents often feel after they catch their teen looking at porn.) You know you are going to have to talk to your teen about porn, but you aren’t sure what you will say or how to have this conversation with your teen in a productive and healthy manner. This conversation is an excellent opportunity to develop a deeper relationship with your teen. You got this!
A few things to think about BEFORE you talk to your teen:
You control the tone of the conversation, and how you approach this conversation is significant.
Your response has the potential to communicate that sex is dirty, being curious about sex is unhealthy, and that your teen is perverted or has something wrong with them. This is NOT the conversation you want to have.
Remember—this is an opportunity. You can have a tone and approach that opens the door for future conversations and draws your teen toward you OR you can have a tone and approach that slams this important door shut and pushes your teen away. (And they won’t be talking to you about anything personal for a long, long time.)
You may have a lot of thoughts and emotions of your own to process. Take your time and make sure you are in the right frame of mind with your emotions in check.
Ask yourself: What are my goals for this conversation?
If you have multiple children using multiple devices, make sure you are not jumping to conclusions about who was looking at what.
Spouses look at pornography too. This isn’t the time to play detective, but make sure you have your facts straight. Nothing feels worse than when someone accuses you of something you didn’t do.
Even if you found something on your teen’s phone, there is still the chance that they were not seeking anything explicit or pornographic.
They may have mistyped a URL, accidentally clicked an ad, or clicked on a trick link. They could have been “Cyber-Flashed.” Some popular apps like Snapchat, TikTok, and Instagram leave the door wide open for other users to send things unrequested. The apps themselves sometimes “recommend” explicit content. Facebook is notorious for individuals sending a friend request, followed by explicit material after you accept the friend request. Even a friend or sibling could have been using their phone.
[Any of these scenarios still require a conversation, but one on digital safety. This online class covers all the bases.]
Educate yourself about pornography and its effects.
The website linked at the end will be a big help before you talk to your teen. Understand how pornography affects the brain and the chemistry of addiction.
A few things to think about AS you talk with your teen:
DO:
- Try to find a time and place that allows for private undistracted, uninterrupted conversation. Here’s an example of a conversation.
- Remember the Closer/Further Rule: Are my words, tone, attitude, body language more likely to cause my teen to want to move closer to me or move further away? (Literally and figuratively.) Am I exhibiting a calmness, openness, and compassion to my teen? “It’s safe to move closer to this person.”
- Be direct, matter-of-fact, and calm—“I found pornography on your phone, (or tablet, or laptop) and I’d like us to talk about it.” [Be prepared for a variety of possible reactions—guilt, shame, or embarrassment over getting caught, or even anger and resentment for feeling like their privacy has been violated.]
- End the conversation by asking if they have any questions, reaffirming that they can always come to you to talk about anything or when they feel tempted. Ask them how you can help them and above all else, tell them you love them no matter what and are willing to walk with them down this path.
DON’T:
- Interrogate. Gently ask questions. You probably want to know when they first saw pornography, how often they look at pornography, what they use to view pornography. Ask your teen how they feel after looking at porn. (Keep a good poker face even if you hear some things that make you uncomfortable.) You know your teen. You know how to gauge your teen’s responses.
- Lecture. You may have your own reasons why you don’t want your teen viewing pornography. Consider the following reasons as well:
- The brain chemistry of addiction. Watching porn releases dopamine (“feel good” chemical) and oxytocin (bonding chemical). Both play a role in addiction.
- Because of this, viewing pornography is an escalating behavior. The viewer will feel the need to see more porn and more explicit pornography to get the same chemical “high.”
- Porn presents a distorted view of human sexuality and creates false expectations. It also leaves out the relational intimacy that contributes to good, healthy sex.
- Pornography affects real-life relationships. Using porn is associated with less satisfaction in relationships, less close relationships, more loneliness, and more depression (Hesse & Floyd, 2019).
A few things to think about AFTER you talk to your teen about looking at porn:
- Follow up. Teens often freeze-up when they are uncomfortable. They may need a day or two to process your conversation. Their thoughts, feelings, and questions might take a few days to form, so it’s a good idea to follow up a couple of days later with, “Now that you’ve had some time to think about our conversation, what thoughts or questions do you have?”
- Talking to your teen about sex and looking at porn is not a one-time talk. As a parent, you want this to be an ongoing conversation. Be an “askable” parent. Cultivate a relationship with your teen where they feel comfortable talking to you about hard topics and asking you questions.
- You may want to make some practical changes in how you use technology in your home. (Electronic devices used in common areas of the house, devices charged in your bedroom at bedtime, etc.)
- You are the best app to protect your teen online. If you choose to install apps or programs that restrict or report content on a device remember, teens find workarounds. Ultimately, the battle against pornography is won by knowing the truth and character development. Your relationship with your teen is the first and best line of defense.
- Fight the New Drug (This website is a gold mine for info!)
Image from AdobeStock.com
People have sometimes said to me, “Chris, you have two daughters. Aren’t you scared to death of when they start dating?“
I like to reply with an answer that really throws them for a spin: “Actually, I can’t WAIT for when my child dates!” (I usually either get a look like I have three heads or just a headshake-of-pity as they slowly turn and walk away with a “tsk-tsk…”).
“Why can’t you wait?” you may ask. I know when my daughters begin to date, they’ll be entering a new phase in their social and emotional development, a period in their lives that will have life-transforming experiences. What they do in their early dating lives is going to shape who they marry, if they choose that route. And that’s exciting to me. (Not to mention, I’m chomping at the bit for that first you-can’t-go-on-a-date-with-my-daughter-until-I-interrogate-you meeting. I like to call it the “First Date Inquisition.”)
Now, despite my gusto for dating, even I know there’s a healthy point for this phase to happen. Typically, when children and teens go through different stages of development, what happens in one stage plays a major role in how well they’ll get through the next. So, I want my daughters to enter into the dating stage of their lives as fully equipped and prepared as possible.
So when should I let my child date?
That’s a hard question to answer. But, given all that I just shared, I can tell you when I won’t let my kids date.

When they can’t yet articulate to me a good purpose for dating.
Let’s be honest—when my daughter walks out of the house to meet someone for a date, the first thing on her mind probably isn’t, okay, I’m doing this because… She just wants to have fun, talk to someone who is as interested in her as she is in them. However, before that day comes, I do want her to have in her head why, overall, she wants to date. Because at the end of the day, there are good reasons and bad reasons to date. I don’t know that there’s a single right answer for all families to the question, “What’s the purpose for dating?” Parents and teens need to talk together to determine some positive purposes, with parents being the voices of wisdom.
In our house, we talk about how dating:
- Prepares you to know better the kind of person you want to marry (if that’s something in the cards).
- Is something that helps a young person grow into the person they are.
- Develops healthy social skills that are beyond friendship relationships.
When they cannot yet grasp that their value doesn’t come from whether or who they date.
I want my girls to know that a romantic partner does not make them more of a person. They aren’t somehow “not enough” without a boyfriend. And that, despite what other people their age might be doing or saying, dating isn’t something you need to do because it helps you feel more accepted in your friend group. In other words, I want them to develop self-confidence and the beginnings of a firm identity beyond their dating life.
When a teen knows this, it can protect them from adolescent dating risks. Research tells us that teens who have a healthy amount of self-efficacy, or self-assurance, are less likely to experience dating violence, use drugs or alcohol on dates, or cave into sexual pressures.
If they don’t feel like they can communicate with me or their mom if something is wrong.
I’m just going to lay it out there for you: as much as it may pain you, when your kids begin dating, they will experience heartbreak, pressures, and temptation. They are going through the mental and emotional gymnastics of development. And they are going to come to points, many times, when they are stuck and need a voice of wisdom. That’s you. I want my daughters to know they can call me if they are at a place they don’t want to be and I’ll be there to get them. And I want them to feel comfortable to open up about what they are feeling or experiencing in a dating relationship. Despite popular belief, this is very possible.
If they are dealing with depression or anxiety.
The bad news is that, according to the National Institute of Mental Health, 30% of adolescents experience some kind of anxiety, and Pew research tells us that 13% of adolescents in 2017 experienced at least one major depressive episode. The good news is, the vast majority of these issues in teens are very treatable. If my daughters experience any kind of depression or anxiety, I’m confident we can work through it over time. However, I don’t want a boyfriend or an active dating life to be the coping mechanism they use to deal with these things. Bad things happen when the “other person” is made the emotional crutch.
When they can’t separate their dating life from their compassion for others.
What I mean here is sort of the reverse of the previous bullet point. Both of my daughters are very compassionate people; they’d gladly give everything they have to help someone who’s down and out. However, we’ve all seen relationships where one person stays because they feel the need to help the other deal with some issue. And this brings the fear that if you were to break it off, the other person might go off the deep end somehow. This is “martyr dating,” and it’s not healthy. I want my daughters to understand that dating is not the avenue to walk people through their problems.
A couple of caveats need to be made with the above points:
- Now, if I were to wait until my kids had all these things down in their development to let them date, well, they may be living in my house a verrrrrrry long time. Obviously, they won’t have it all together in their teen years. But the idea is to know my kids well enough to know that they are well on the road toward these developmental traits.
- These developmental lessons begin well before teens are anywhere close to dating age. As a matter of fact, they begin with a close, connected relationship between parent and child. Parents need to be in the pocket, having ongoing conversations on these ideas with their kids. This is how children build self-confidence and trust to go to their parents with problems, even when they are older. Ongoing conversations help teens cope with anxiety and other emotional issues. And it helps them come to a good understanding as to the purpose of dating.
There is no magic age a child should be allowed to date. It really depends on the child and where they are in their thinking and development. But one thing is for certain: parents need to become a student of their kids, continually learning more and more about how they’re thinking, what they’re feeling, and getting a sense of the direction of their development. This is the best way that we as parents can prepare our kids for a healthy dating life.
Image from Pexels.com
We are gonna look at your question about teen dating in reverse order—hang in there, but I want you to do something first: empathize.
How do you think your teen feels knowing that their parent(s) don’t like this person who they obviously think is special? That’s hard. If you have a healthy relationship with them, it’s even harder. Your teen doesn’t want static with you while they believe they are just following their heart. Oh, you haven’t expressed your dislike of this person they are dating? Trust me, they know. Which means their significant other probably knows too. Put yourself in their shoes a minute. To them, all they’ve done wrong is to be attracted to the wonderful teen you raised. This is hard all the way around. But it doesn’t have to get any harder.
Question 1: Is your teen actually “dating” this person?
I just have to ask because things have changed so much from when we were teens. It’s a lot more common to hang out with someone. Your teen (at least) might not even have any romantic interest in them. You might not even know about the person they are interested in romantically because your teen spends hours in their room hanging out with them on FaceTime or some other app on their phone. So, let’s define some terms here.
Just to be sure, ask (don’t interrogate) your teen these questions to make sure they are actually dating:
- Do you have romantic feelings for this person?
- Are you and the person you’re interested in both looking for an exclusive relationship?
- Do you hang out or go on dates without a group of friends?
- Is the status of your relationship something you’ve shared with others in person or online, like on social?
- Do both people in the relationship agree that it’s exclusive?
Question 2: Your teen is your top priority—are they ready for dating?
I wouldn’t give my kids an age when they could start dating. It depended on whether my wife and I thought they were mature enough to handle the responsibilities and the dangers—both emotionally and physically—of being in a dating relationship. (Just because the state will give you a driver’s license on a certain date doesn’t mean you’re ready to drive. I’ve told a couple of my kids that the state may think you’re ready—I don’t though…)
Does your teen respect your boundaries in other areas of their life? Have they shown you they are trustworthy? Has your teen shown that they can set up and enforce their own personal boundaries? Have you talked to your teen about the significance and consequences of sex? Have you talked to your teen about the warning signs of an unhealthy or abusive relationship? Does their significant other or your teen ever do any of the following bright red flags of abuse:
- Checking your cell phone or email without permission
- Constantly putting you down
- Extreme jealousy or insecurity
- Explosive temper
- Isolating you from family or friends
- Making false accusations
- Mood swings
- Physically hurting you in any way
- Possessiveness
- Telling you what to do
- Pressuring or forcing you to have sex or go further physically
Have you set up a “code word or phrase” with your teen, so that if they are on a date and feel uncomfortable for any reason they can call or text you to “check-in” and mention “shopping next week” so you know to get them out of that situation?
Question 3: Who is this person and why don’t you like them?
We have to be careful here and we need to be honest. Does this person just not fit the idealized boyfriend or girlfriend you’ve had in mind for years? Have you idealized your teen and this person just isn’t “good enough” for them, or you think “They could do better?” Have you not just “set the bar” high, but set it impossibly high? No teenager is perfect, and honestly, the teen that seems perfect is probably the one you really want to keep your eye on. Imperfect doesn’t mean dangerous. This might be a “you” thing.
Have you seen changes in your teen that concern you since this person has become a significant part of their life? Are you worried that your teen is “building their world” around this individual and now your teen’s priorities have shifted? Grades slipping? Personality changing? Doesn’t want to be around the family anymore? Doesn’t want to bring their significant other around to hang out with the family? That is concerning behavior! But it could be signaling that your teen just isn’t ready for a dating relationship with anyone right now.
Question 4: What do you do now?
I know you wanted to get here right out of the gate, but we had to do some processing before we took a course of action. We needed to make sure we understood the problem so we could find the right solution.
In general, I always communicated to my children that realistically, marriage is nowhere in your future and you need to be focusing on your educational and career goals, family, friends, and discovering your interests, skills, and passions in life—so now is not the time for a relationship that is a mini-marriage. Those only lead to a mini-divorce and leave scars and baggage you have to carry around the rest of your life.
I always encouraged my kids to do things in groups or have people over to our house. If they were seriously interested in someone, bringing them around the house was not an option, it was a necessity. If their “special interest” wasn’t comfortable coming into my house, then I wasn’t comfortable with my child outside of my house with them. Period. Full stop.
So, here’s where we are:
- Is your teen not ready to date?
- Are you not ready for your teen to date?
- Is the person your teen wants to date dangerous or a bad influence? Emotionally or physically?
- Is the person your teen wants to date just a normal, flawed teenager, like your teen?
✭ Bonus Question: What do you believe (and what have you taught your teen) is the purpose of dating at their age?
In his book, The 6 Most Important Decisions You’ll Ever Make: A Guide for Teens, Sean Covey defines the difference between intelligent dating and brainless dating.
“Intelligent dating is dating successfully, being selective about who you date, hanging out and having fun, remaining steady through the natural highs and lows of romance, and keeping your own standards,” says Covey. “Brainless dating is dating ineffectively, dating anyone who has a pulse, becoming centered on your girlfriend or boyfriend, having your heart broken repeatedly, and doing what everyone else seems to be doing.”
- Don’t date too young. Dating too young can lead to various problems, including getting taken advantage of, getting physical too soon, or not knowing how to end a relationship.
- Date people your own age. Dating someone who is several years older than you isn’t healthy.
- Get to know lots of people. Getting too serious too soon can cut you off from other relationships. Don’t be too eager to have a girlfriend or boyfriend. Date a lot of different people and have fun.
- Date in groups. Group activities are often more fun, and there is safety in numbers.
- Set boundaries. Choose what kind of people you will date BEFORE you start dating. Decide what is off-limits and don’t change your mind for anyone.
- Have a plan. Before going on a date, prepare for the unexpected.
Dating “intelligently” is a great way for a teen to learn about how relationships work, learn their likes and dislikes, socialize with their peers, improve interpersonal communication skills, and hopefully have fun with their friends.
If your teen is dating someone that falls in that “They Aren’t Dangerous, But I Don’t Like ‘Em” category, remember no rings have been exchanged. See if your teen figures it out. That’s what this time is for.
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