Tag Archive for: Tips

How to Start School Routines

How is it that summer just started, yet the school supplies are already out in stores? In a few short weeks that will feel like they fly by, your baby will be headed to kindergarten. At this realization, in the midst of a little freak-out and hidden tears, parents will try to put on a brave face as they leave their little one in someone else’s care. But the key to this transition is to start the school routines now!

Preparing for that day is important not only for your child, but for you as well. A month may seem like a long way off, but when it comes to establishing new routines and rituals, it’s actually the right time to put things in motion.

Bedtime:

For example, if bedtime has been at 8:30 or later during the summer months, but a 7:30 bedtime will be in place during the school year, moving bedtime up in 15-minute intervals from now until the school year starts will help your child adjust and keep the drama about it still being light outside to a minimum. As a side note, blackout curtains might be a great investment.

Routines: 

Consider what morning and evening routines will be like, especially if this is your first child to head off to school. It can be unsettling for children when everything is changing, so it’s helpful to think about routines and rituals like a security blanket. Children find real comfort in predictability. If you put things into motion now, it will help your child feel more confident on that first day of school. For instance, practice getting up, getting dressed, brushing teeth, eating breakfast and figuring out the best order to accomplish those tasks and any others that must be done before leaving for school. Adapting your evening routine to how things will be during the school year will help as well. 

After school: 

Being at school and holding it together all day long is exhausting. Your child might come home from school and want to take a nap or they might have a meltdown, especially as they are adjusting to their new routine. Comfort them and help them put words to their emotions. In time they will adapt and adjust.

Independence: 

Remind yourself repeatedly to let your child do for themselves what they are capable of doing. Things like dressing themselves, putting on their shoes and velcroing or tying them, going to the bathroom, pulling their pants up and even buckling a belt are important to know how to do. If they are planning to buy their lunch at school, let them practice carrying a tray with their food and drink from somewhere in the kitchen to the table. That balancing act can be a little tricky. If they are taking their lunch, teach them how to pack it themselves. If they are riding the school bus, practice walking to and from the bus stop together.

Practice:

Make practicing these things fun by turning them into a relay race or a game. When you do that, you’ll be giving them a strong foundation to stand on as they head to school.

Organization:

Work with your child to find a location in your home where all things school-related live like backpacks, homework or notes that need to be signed. Helping them get in the habit of placing things in one location will make mornings easier for everyone.

Read:

Start reading with your child daily (if you aren’t already). Even if you aren’t a fantastic reader, just holding a book, pointing out pictures, colors, numbers and words, or teaching your child to turn the pages from right to left will help prepare them for kindergarten.

Other adults:

If you have told your child they don’t have to listen to anyone but you, now is the time to change that. When your child is at school they will need to be able to listen and follow instruction from their teacher and others. Additionally, if you have never left them in someone else’s care, try to arrange some time between now and the first day of school where they are in the care of other trusted adults. It is good for them to know that others can take care of their needs, and teachers will appreciate that you have helped them practice listening and following instructions from other adults.

Technology: 

This year will be different for your child, so consider a technology plan for your home when school starts. They will be expected to sit, listen and engage in activities, but screen time  is probably the last thing they need when they get home. Instead, playing outdoors in the fresh air can help them release stress and relax.

Emotions:

While you might be excited about your little one reaching this milestone, it would also be normal for you to feel some anxiety. Most of our children can read us like a book. If you are feeling uptight about the beginning of school and trying to hold that inside, your child will likely pick up on this and think you are not OK or that you do not want them to go to school. Acknowledging that and talking with other parents who are ahead of you on the journey could be extremely helpful to you and your child. 

Thinking about all that needs to happen before school starts may feel a bit overwhelming. The good news is, if you start now, you will already have your routine down by the time school starts. Both you and your child can head into the first day of school with confidence and great expectations for the school year.

Looking for more parenting resources? Click here!

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4 Steps to Having A Mindful Marriage

Do you have a mindful marriage? Here’s how to find out…

Pop Quiz! How would your spouse answer the following questions right now?

  • What is their primary motivator at the moment?
  • Their biggest fear or concern?
  • What is the dream that is driving them?
  • What is their biggest source of frustration?
  • How do they feel about the health of your relationship?

If you have a hard time knowing how your spouse would answer those questions, is it possible that you are not as mindful of your spouse the way that you used to be? Is your marriage on “auto-pilot?” Has your life become so busy that you are not continuing to connect deeply with your spouse?

Having a “mindful marriage” means making the deliberate choice to be “in the moment” with your spouse, prioritizing your connection and minimizing distractions so that you can really give them your attention, stay close and keep your relationship healthy.

Having a “mindful marriage” doesn’t just happen. Our lives are so demanding and busy that it is easy for us to be “mind-full” of a million things instead of our spouse. There have definitely been times where I have felt more like the co-owner of a small business with my wife than I have felt intimately connected to her in my marriage. Conversations turn into little business meetings: “Did you pay that bill? It’s our turn to bring snacks to soccer practice. We are having dinner with the Smiths Friday. Did you run to the store?” Then on to the next thing…

We keep “Family, Inc.” running as smoothly as we can, but our marital relationship stagnates, or worse: we can even begin to drift apart.

4 Ways to Have a More Mindful Marriage

1. Make Routines Work For You

My wife and I have developed a bedtime routine that is simple and helps us stay connected. Your routine might be totally different. Before anyone dozes off, we ask each other the following questions and make sure that we are truly listening to the answers:

  • What was the best part of your day?
  • What was the hardest or most frustrating part of your day?
  • Is there anything we need to talk through? (We might set a time to have the actual conversation.)
  • We say “I love you” and “Goodnight.” (Then I might go watch the end of a game since I am a Night-Owl.) This routine or tradition has been wonderful and helps us focus on each other and keep our relationship grounded.

2. Set Boundaries For Technology

Technology is often the biggest obstacle to a mindful marriage. Our phones allow us to be constantly reached or distracted by notifications. There is always a screen nearby with something interesting on it. Keep technology in its place and protect mealtime, bedtime, some time, for actual conversations with your spouse.

3. Have a Regular Date Night and Protect It

It doesn’t have to be fancy or elaborate or expensive. Just make sure there is a time when your spouse is your sole focus. Early in our marriage, we have shared a soda at the food court and just talked. We have had “in-house” dates. Prioritize this time and don’t let hectic schedules squeeze it out.

4. Be Deliberate

This is the whole point of a mindful marriage. Healthy, growing relationships don’t just happen. 

It’s hard! Don’t beat yourself up! The reality is that our minds are filled up with good stuff – things related to work, friends, hobbies. Truthfully, it often is family-related. Just don’t let family business squeeze the focus from family members. Wait until you see the reaction when your spouse realizes that you are truly focusing on them and giving them all your attention. You’ll be mindful that it is absolutely worth it!

Looking for more marriage resources? Click here!

***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***

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How Fear Impacts Your Marriage

An angry wife greeted her husband, who was late getting home again from work, as he walked through the door. As was their usual pattern, an argument followed. This has been an ongoing issue between the two for several months with no apparent resolution in sight. It is obvious that some fear impacts their marriage.

In Gary Smalley’s book, The DNA of Relationships, Smalley wrote that the external problem couples tend to argue about over and over again is rarely the real problem. Believe it or not, many couples argue about superficial issues, never actually getting to the real problem for the duration of their marriage.

Smalley contends that this is a destructive dance many couples are involved in and it stems from fear.

“We have found that most women have a core fear related to disconnection – they fear not being heard, not being valued, somehow losing the love of another,” said Smalley in his book. “Most men, on the other hand, have a core fear of helplessness or feeling controlled – they fear failure or getting stepped on. We noticed that the common core fears are all related to two main primary fears: the fear of being controlled (losing power) and the fear of being disconnected (separation from people and being alone). Without identifying your own core fear and understanding how you tend to react when your fear button gets pushed, your relationships will suffer.”

The tardy husband had no way of knowing that at the core of his wife’s anger was the reality that her father used to come in late from work because he was seeing another woman. While she and her husband argued about his tardiness, the real issue – her fear that he might be cheating on her – did not surface until much later.

Smalley’s book encourages people to do a self-examination to determine their core fear. Maybe it is rejection, feeling like a failure, being unloved or being humiliated, manipulated or isolated.

Couples who are dancing the fear dance know the steps well. The cycle begins when your feelings get hurt or you experience gut emotional pain. You want to stop feeling this emotional pain and you want the other person to stop treating you in such a way that “causes” you to feel this pain. You fear they won’t change, so you react and try to motivate them to change. In doing so, you start the same process in the other person.

“The fear dance can start with discussions of sex, money, in-laws, disciplining children, being late, etc.,” Smalley wrote. “People fall into patterns of reacting when their buttons are pushed. Most people use unhealthy reactions to deal with fear. Most of us try different ways to change the other person’s words and actions so that we will feel better. As a result, our relationships are sabotaged. It’s how you choose to react when your fear button is pushed that determines harmony.”

So, how do you break the rhythm of the fear dance? According to Smalley, these steps can help:

  1. Take control of your thoughts, feelings and actions. Your thoughts determine your feelings and actions.
  2. Take responsibility for your buttons. You choose how you react when someone pushes your fear button.
  3. Don’t give others the power to control your feelings. Personal responsibility means refusing to focus on what the other person has done. The only person you can change is yourself. You can stop the fear dance.
  4. Don’t look to others to make you happy. Don’t fall into the “If you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours” myth. Come to relationships with realistic expectations.
  5. Become the CEO of your life. You can’t force people to meet your needs, but when you express legitimate needs to others, they can choose to step in to assist you.
  6. Remember that forgiveness heals relationships. Taking personal responsibility means confessing your wrongdoing and asking for forgiveness. You also forgive others.

Looking for more? Watch this episode of JulieB TV on this topic!

***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***

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Does Your Marriage Have Backbone?

“Happy anniversary!” she said as she threw a gift to (at) me while I laid in bed watching television. My wife had waited until midnight on our anniversary just to make absolutely certain that I had forgotten our special day.

You’ve seen it in a movie or on television- someone has forgotten their wedding anniversary (ALWAYS the husband) and at the last minute they try to save face and come up with some gift or at least a sorry excuse to get out of it. Well, my wife had obviously seen those shows, too – and she vindictively made sure I had no chance whatsoever.

As the clock struck midnight, the day had come and gone and I was officially THAT husband.

Was she angry and hurt? Absolutely, and justifiably so! Did I feel awful? You bet. Was our relationship um… tense for a while? Oh, you better believe it. Listen, in over 25 years of marriage, we have hurt each other in far worse ways. We have left scars. We laugh about The Forgotten Anniversary now, but we have done some things to each other that are absolutely not funny. Heck, we have both done things that many people these days would say are easily divorce-worthy.

But we are still together and happy and closer than ever. Our relationship has been strengthened by working through those hard, sometimes heartbreaking difficulties. We’ve bent but have never broken.

You see, from Day 1, we agreed that the “D word,” divorce, was not an option. It just wasn’t ever on the table.

We know we are not alone in our struggles. Have you ever thought any of the following in your marriage?

  • This used to be fun. It isn’t fun anymore.
  • We’ve just grown apart, simple as that.
  • I just don’t feel it anymore.
  • The romance, the warm, fuzzy feeling is gone.
  • I wish my husband/wife was more like _______.
  • I fell in love but now I’ve fallen out of it.
  • Marriage just isn’t what I expected or hoped it would be.
  • Maybe we both would be happier starting over with other people.

I’ll be honest – at some point I have thought ALL of those thoughts. I’m pretty sure my wife has also. (I’m too afraid to ask and confirm it. Why stir the pot, right?) Yet we have hung in there for 25 years, sometimes just surviving, other times thriving. How do we do it? Have we cracked the “marriage code?” Are we special? Nope.

We survived because we both agreed that divorce was never going to be an option. It just wasn’t ever even a consideration. We wouldn’t let it happen.

So… that just leaves a lot of intentional, hard work:

  • Learning how to manage conflict and how to communicate.
  • Learning that love is an action, not a feeling.
  • Having friends that are for your marriage.
  • Learning to say things like “Sorry” and “I forgive you.”
  • Having older couples as mentors.
  • Not keeping score and not looking to “even” it.

So many marriages are built on a wishbone.

I wish he was different, I wish our marriage was more fun, I wish she would change, I wish I still felt that romance. I wish, I wish, I wish. But there is no “marital wishbone.” Wishbones won’t support you, especially during the hard times.

Instead, you need a “marital backbone.” 

Backbone means, I understand no marriage is perfect and no person is perfect, even me. Backbone means we will keep working at it, get help, hang in there and have the hard conversations. It remembers that we made promises to each other. Most of all, marital backbone means doing the loving thing – even when we absolutely don’t feel like it.

(Yes, even when he forgets your anniversary.)

Marriage can be hard work. But what if you put your backbone into it?

***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***

Looking for more resources for your marriage? Click here!

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The Death of Traditional Vows (& A Few Tips On Writing Your Own!)

When planning for a wedding, often wedding vows either seem completely overlooked or a big source of stress from the start. Not only do you have to listen, remember, and repeat a bunch of words in front of hundreds of people, but people expect you to speak them flawlessly! (Side note, if you haven’t seen the video of the guy saying “waffley wedded wife” instead of “lawfully wedded wife,” do yourself a favor and go watch it here.)

I’m not sure if that video struck fear in the minds of the future newlyweds or what exactly happened. But it seems like recently, the traditional wedding vow is dying a slow death. 

Nearly every wedding I’ve been to within the last three years (including my own) did not include the familiar words. Instead, those 3-5 minutes were full of words directly from the bride and groom.

My husband and I chose to ditch the “to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse…” etc. It was not as meaningful to us as what we wanted to promise each other. So instead, we came up with our own list of vows we wanted to make and chose to speak those instead.

But here’s the issue… most of the weddings I mentioned earlier – to put it lightly – didn’t actually have any vows.

No real promises made, no list of actions they vowed to their partner. Rather, it basically felt like a mushy-gushy love letter – with a few jokes thrown in there. Instead of “until death do us part,” it was, “even if I get tired of you.” (Oh yeah, that happened.)

The definition of the word vow from the good ol’ Merriam Webster is “to promise solemnly.” That doesn’t mean wedding vows are restricted to the somewhat rigid words in the traditional vows. But it also doesn’t mean that it is the time to write a love letter to your soon-to-be spouse for all to hear! Alternatively, focus on the marriage that you are promising. Instead of writing them as if you were only going to be speaking to your partner, write them as words you are speaking to everyone in attendance: the close family and friends who will hold you accountable for keeping those vows.

If you do choose to let the traditional vow keep fading away and instead write your own (I’m definitely not judging, I did that too!), here are steps you can take. These steps will help you make sure you’re making solid promises, not just serenading a love letter!

  1. First of all, write down bullet points of major moments in your relationship so far that have defined your love and the way the two of you work. It’s also a good idea to come up with a few things that make your relationship unique!
  2. Then, make a few sentences around those memories. These sentences will help you see the core values that will be in your marriage. They will help you define what exactly you want (and need) to promise to your spouse.
  3. From there, start making a list of promises you want to make so that your marriage stays strong from the start. Know that some of them won’t feel comfortable or easy, and that’s actually a good thing. A vow can be something that you know you struggle with because what good is a promise if it comes naturally? Plus, knowing the areas where you can improve will help your relationship in the long run!
  4. Research examples of other vows when you feel stuck. A lot of things won’t apply to your own relationship. But it’s a good way to get ideas of areas in which you can make a promise!
  5. Finally, write from your heart. This one is kinda obvious, but it was a struggle when I was writing mine. I wanted them to sound more poetic than unique to our marriage, and for a while, I was stuck. Then I started writing down promises. The promises included things I knew I needed to say to my soon-to-be husband. Only then did things start flowing naturally!

Whether you are sticking with the traditional vow or writing your own, take note of the words you are speaking. It’s not just another part of the ceremony. It’s not merely something you should do before you say “I do.” They are a vital piece of a strong marriage. They are something you will cherish, even as the years start to fly by and until death do you part.

Looking for more resources for your engagement? Click here!

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The One-Bathroom Apartment Dilemma

*Note: I’m an early riser. Always have been, always will be. My husband, on the other hand… not so much. Being newlywed and trying to stick to a routine, I’ve learned to let him sleep until I’ve had my coffee, had my shower, and have start working on breakfast. And for about a month, it has actually worked! That is, until one morning, I had gotten my coffee and was in the shower when I heard that knock….

“Hey, Caroline?”

Surprised that he was even awake enough to voice a question, I responded, “Yes…?”

“I really need to use the bathroom. Are you done yet?”

Me, knowing that I probably didn’t want to be in the bathroom once he came in, but also in the middle of shampooing my hair, responded to his question and said, “Not really, but hold on… I can step out in just a second.” In slight frustration, I quickly rinsed the shampoo, turned off the water, and grabbed my towel.

You see, my husband and I are trying our best to save for a house as soon as we can, which meant signing a lease on a tiny apartment for the time being. One bedroom. Barely enough space for a couch in the living room. And, as I’m sure you’ve figured out by now, one bathroom.

Moving in, neither of us thought it would be a problem! I’d just get up early, get things done, then he would be able to do the same after me. But, as with everything in life, things don’t always go according to plan.

That morning threw off the rest of my day, and it took me quite a while to understand why.

But by that evening, I realized something: I was frustrated with him, despite neither of us being to blame for the situation. I was upset, not because he had to use the bathroom, but because it wasn’t a part of our original plan. I wanted to be in control.

Yes, it seems a little exaggerated to get to that conclusion from a disrupted morning routine. But let me tell you. It opened my eyes to a whole different perspective of myself that I was not at all aware of.

So many people warned us that marriage is a great magnifying glass on all your flaws. But I didn’t realize how true it was until the honeymoon phase had left, and our true, imperfect selves showed again. Since that day, I have been very conscious of what I can and cannot control and my reactions to those things.

So, bottom line. Never assume that just because you have a plan or routine in your newlywed relationship, everything will go according to plan. A spouse is not there to point out your flaws, but to walk with you. They are there to support you and grow with you through each and every interruption.

Lastly, and most importantly: if possible… have more than one bathroom for your first year if you can.

Looking for more engagement resources? Click here!

***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***

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5 Things You HAVE To Do The Morning of Your Wedding (Part 2)

Your wedding day is one of the most stressful times of the engagement season. But there are things you can do the morning of your wedding to help you relax and enjoy the day!

Picture this: For two years you’ve been planning this awesome party for all your friends and family to enjoy.

You’ve got everything completely lined up, from the menu for the day to the height of every candle. Everyone involved has a detailed spreadsheet of where they need to be and when, and you are excited beyond belief! Not only will you get to hang out with all your favorite people, but you get to MARRY your most favorite person! Can it get much better than that?!

However, there’s this (ever so slight) hint of fear that’s always looming over. There’s a lot that could go wrong the morning of your wedding in all those details! And, on top of that, everyone constantly tells you that something will go wrong, and you’re just expected to accept that. Even more, you’re making a life-long commitment to one person that you’ve known for less than your family’s known you. It’s a big deal!

But there are a few things you can do to soothe those worries, calm your nerves, and fully enjoy the day! It requires focused attention to your emotional and mental needs, but here are 5 ways you can do just that!

To care for your emotional and mental needs the morning of your wedding:

  • Do some breathing exercises as soon as you wake up. And, if you have even just one extra minute, lie in bed and take a sec to really realize what’s happening today. Don’t run through the list of things to happen or panic about all that can go wrong. Just take in the fact that you’re marrying your best friend!
  • Have a poppin’ playlist ready to go! Your bridal party is going to want to get excited with you before you walk down the aisle! If you have too much on your plate, give the job to a friend – but just make sure you’re not taking it too seriously. Plus, singing and dancing will help with your stress levels, too!
  • Schedule time with your bridal party to have fun. Whether that means playing some card games or just sharing your favorite memories of the bride/groom, it’s a great way to distract you from the craziness around you and enjoy the time with your girls/guys!
  • Remember that it’s only one day. No matter what happens, it will all be done with in 24 hours. And, as long as you and your love are married by the end of the day, what else really matters? (The answer is nothing, in case you were wondering…)
  • Unplug from all devices. Even better, just pack your phone in your honeymoon bag! Give all the important contact info to a friend and trust that everyone will be able to figure things out. You need to focus on the only thing that matters: becoming one with your spouse – not whether or not your guests are supposed to follow the parking signs you put out, or just make their own path (which they’re going to do anyway, trust me). You don’t need the extra stress, so just avoid it all together from the beginning!

A wedding day really can be the happiest day of your life!

There is so much that goes into this one day, but it is truly worth it. And besides, once it’s over, you’ll have a spouse to adventure through life with! Hopefully, with the help of these 5 tips, you and your love can fully enjoy your special day and all that comes with it.

*(This is part two of a series. To see the first part, click here!)

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5 Things You HAVE To Do The Morning of Your Wedding (Part 1)

These tips can help you care for yourself on the big day!

Wedding planning: The thing that everyone tells you to enjoy, but you more so feel like you’re drowning without a lifeline. BUT you’ve made it! You’ve finally arrived to the morning of your wedding day! It’s here! Now… what was that thing you HAD to tell your DJ today? And why have THREE people asked you for your florist’s phone number?? And WHERE is your maid of honor?!?

The morning of a wedding can be kind of a mess! But I have some fresh tips to share with you!

Regardless of whether you yourself are about to be in this position or if you only know someone who is, there are 5 things the bride and groom can do the morning of the wedding to help fill their physical needs. (I’m NOT saying, though that these things will make everything run smoothly, I’m just saying they’ll help.) Anyway, without further ado… Here are 5 things you NEED to do the morning of the wedding! (By the way, this is the first part of a series. To see the second piece about caring for your emotional and mental needs, click here!)

Here are the first five things to care for your physical needs the morning of your wedding:

1. Drink. Water. And. Eat. Food.

This one might seem pretty obvious right now, but trust me. You’ll need to be reminded. Have your bridesmaids/groomsmen, mom, or whoever else is by your side throughout the day carry some snacks and water on them and periodically feed you! Trust me, no one wants a fainting bride or groom. (Pro Tip: Brides, bring a straw so you don’t mess up your lipstick!)

2. Only drink ONE cup of coffee, if any.

If coffee is part of your regular routine, don’t just cut it out together! Having a caffeine headache on the day of your wedding would not be pleasant. However, be sure to limit your intake. You’re going to be jittery enough as it is, and you won’t need caffeine’s help on that one!

3. Bring an emergency kit.

These can seriously be a life saver. I once had the zipper of a bridesmaid dress completely burst open 5 minutes before we walked down the aisle. The only way I made it through it was because someone was smart enough to pack a sewing kit in the emergency supplies. If you need a list, here’s a good one!

4. Practice your vows.

Whether you’re goin’ old school traditional or you chose to write your own, practicing those words (out loud!) will help prevent you from fumbling over them in just a few hours. Even though saying “waffely wedded wife” is funny, it’s still a little embarrassing…

5. Make someone in charge of getting your honeymoon items into the getaway car.

It might work that you yourself can do that, but having a friend double check is always a great idea! Have a list of what they need to check on before the send-off so that you don’t have to make an emergency trip back to your place (or worse, the venue) to grab whatever you forgot! (Bonus tip: Put someone in charge of taking your veil and bouquet, too!)

Don’t forget that this day is once-in-a-lifetime!

If you’re panicking about the suitcase you forgot or passed out on the stage from lack of food, it might not be the fondest of memories to look back on. To take a look at how you can fill your emotional and mental needs the morning of your wedding, click here!

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