DAD HACKS: For When Mom Is Having A Girl’s Night Out
Your bride gives you the news: This Friday night I’m having a girl’s night out, so you’re on dad duty. Good luck! Great. Now what?!?
First of all, CHILL! This is your chance to be the hero, to show the full potential of your dad skills, and to give both your kids and your partner a memorable night.
Here are three dad-hacks for when Mom’s at girl’s night out and Dad’s in charge:
1. Make memories!
Dads have a unique way of giving their children memories that will stay with them well into adulthood. I still remember the fun I had playing laser tag in the house with my dad one evening with all the lights off – something I’m sure Mom wouldn’t be caught dead in the middle of.
Give your kids an experience that’s not part of their typical routine.
- Have a Nerf gun war.
- Heat up some pizza rolls, turn the lights out and watch a (kid-appropriate) scary movie (the Goosebumps movies are a favorite in my house).
- Go for a night walk around the neighborhood. Or better yet, if there are woods nearby, take a night hike.
- Roast hot dogs or marshmallows in the backyard. (Marshmallows over the stove are good if there’s no backyard.)
- Have a talent show.
- Let your kiddos dress you up and have a fashion show.
- Set up a WWE wrestling ring in the living room with couch pillows and… well, you know the rest.
This is your chance to be the dad-hero to your kids for turning what could be a boring night (without Mom) into an amazing memory!
2. …But, don’t step outside what you and your partner value as parents.
What I mean here is, don’t violate the boundaries of what you’ve established together as important to your family just because Mom is gone. If weekend bedtimes are important because there’s an early morning soccer game, be sure to wrap up the fashion show or wrestling match on time. If you don’t normally allow scary movies in the house, opt for a Disney movie – or even better, one that you grew up with – which the kids haven’t seen (think Old Yeller, Labyrinth, The Princess Bride, Hook, etc.,).
The idea is to avoid compromising what you’ve both decided is important to your family just because Mom is not there to say no. It may make Dad look like the hero, but if it makes Mom out to be the bad guy (now or later), it’s not worth the risk. Trust me on this one.
3. Celebrate Mom coming home.
Making memories with Dad while Mom is away can potentially dishonor Mom.
Think about it: Mom finally gets a night out with the girls to unwind, comes home and finds half-eaten pizza rolls on the coffee table, couch cushions scattered on the floor and Nerf darts in every corner and cranny of the room – not to mention it’s midnight and the kids are still up watching Interview With a Vampire while Dad is asleep on the couch. So much for unwinding.
Instead, teach your children how to honor Mom while she’s away. Try to clean the house better than before she left. Print out pictures of your fashion show (yes, even the one of you with your new hair-do) and have the kids put them in cards they make for Mom telling her how special she is. Have the kids pick some flowers on your night hike to give to Mom when she comes come. Just one simple gesture like that can let Mom know you missed her while she was out.
If Mom comes home early before your festivities are over, prep the kids to greet her with hugs and kisses at the door. And if she’s up to it, bring her into the mix – invite her to watch the rest of the movie on the couch, fix her a s’more, or have her be the guest of honor at a special encore presentation of the talent show.
And then let her relax and go to bed while you and the kids clean up!
Allowing your partner to relax and unwind at home after she’s gone out with friends makes you a hero to the kids, AND to her, too!
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Many parents feel pressure to make sure their child is actually kindergarten-ready. But, are they really focusing on the things that ultimately prepare their child for future success? Before starting kindergarten, children need to know a few things, of course…
Knowing their name, being able to tie their shoes and going to the bathroom by themselves are important for sure. But did you know that social competency skills such as being able to listen, share material with others, solve problems with their classmates, cooperate and be helpful are every bit as important, perhaps more so?
Researchers from Penn State analyzed 753 children in Durham, N.C., Seattle, Nashville and rural Pennsylvania. They found that children who were more likely to share or be helpful in kindergarten were also more likely to obtain higher education and hold full-time jobs nearly two decades later. Kids without these social competency skills were more likely to face negative outcomes by age 25, including substance abuse problems, challenges finding employment or run-ins with the law.
The researchers found that for every one-point increase in a student’s social competency score, he or she was:
- Twice as likely to graduate from college;
- 54 percent more likely to earn a high school diploma; and
- 46 percent more likely to have a full-time job by age 25.
For every one-point decrease in the child’s score, he or she had a:
- 64 percent higher chance of having spent time in juvenile detention;
- 67 percent higher chance of an arrest by early adulthood;
- 52 percent higher rate of binge-drinking;
- 82 percent higher rate of recent marijuana usage; and an
- 82 percent higher chance of being in or on a waiting list for public housing at age 25.
The research shows that high-quality relationships and rich social interactions in the home, school and community prepare children well for the future. Never underestimate the importance of a stable home in the life of a child.
No matter your child’s age, you can help them learn what they really need to know. Parents and extended family, child care providers and neighbors—everyone really—can help young children develop these social-emotional skills.
Try these strategies to help children develop social/emotional competence:
- Let them figure out how to solve their own problems (within reason).
- Instead of making decisions for them, help them make decisions.
- Teach them about emotions and help them understand other people’s feelings.
- Give them opportunities to learn what it looks like to share with others.
- Provide experiences where they can be helpful.
- Teach them how to express themselves appropriately with direction.
- Be intentional about giving them instructions and helping them follow through on what you asked them to do. This will serve them well when it comes to listening and following instructions in the classroom.
- Give your child the chance to engage in activities with others where they learn to cooperate without being prompted.
Providing these opportunities is beneficial, before starting kindergarten AND far beyond kindergarten. Although it may be easier for adults to make these things happen for their children, easy isn’t always best. Step back and see what they can do—that’s some of the best kindergarten prep you could ever do.
Looking for more? Check out this episode of JulieB TV on this topic!
Dating after divorce or death can be complicated, especially if children are involved. As people navigate the world of dating and blending families, they’ve asked Ron Deal, stepfamily expert and author of Dating and the Single Parent, the following questions plenty of times: How soon is too soon to start dating? Should I introduce this person to my children?
“On the topic of blended families, someone once said, ‘People marry and form a blended family because they fell in love with a person, but they divorce because they don’t know how to be a family,’” says Deal.
Deal believes the key to dating as a single parent is to include the children in the bigger picture.
“Certainly, it depends on the age of the children,” Deal shares. “A younger child is more open to new adults in their life, but you don’t want to introduce your 4-year-old to a person that you just started dating. You don’t even know whether you like this person. Wait until you think this relationship really has a chance of going somewhere, then you bring them into the picture with intentionality.”
For older children, elementary and beyond, Deal suggests talking with them about it first. Ask, “What if I started dating? How would you feel about that?” This way, you are putting it on their radar that this might happen.
“Once you know that the relationship has potential, it is important to create opportunities for everybody to be together and for additional conversations to take place,” Deal says.
Deal strongly encourages couples to discuss a few things before deciding to move forward with marriage, though.
Some couples decide to test the waters with the two families by living together first. This creates ambiguity for the children. When children experience this uncertainty, it creates chaos and empowers resistance. If they don’t like the idea of the families coming together, the ambiguity leads them to believe they could make the whole thing unravel.
Deal believes, more than anything, a stepfamily needs two adults who have clarity about their relationship and the family’s future. By having conversations ahead of time, you are valuing the “we,” and then the children. If you can’t come to an agreement on your parenting styles, that’s serious. Deal believes it’s just as serious as marrying someone with addiction issues. The outcome of these discussions should be part of the equation as to whether or not you plan to marry.
“At least half to two-thirds of dating couples don’t have serious conversations about how they are going to parent when they bring their two families together,” Deal says. “If your parenting styles are vastly different, this can be a dealbreaker.”
In many instances, one parent has been making all the decisions for the children. Now add a second adult into the mix who isn’t their biological parent. What will you do when your child asks to do something and your answer would typically be yes, but your new spouse doesn’t agree with that?
There’s no question that negotiating parenting and romance all at the same time is complicated. You have to manage the complex moving parts for sure. But Deal believes that if you’re going to make a mistake as a blended family couple, err on the side of protecting your marriage.
“The goal here is to protect your marriage, which is why it is so important to talk about these things prior to getting married,” Deal asserts. “Biological parents have an ultimate responsibility to and for their children, but if you make a parenting decision without consulting your spouse, it isn’t helpful to your marriage. The goal is to co-create your parenting response. You cannot have two different answers for two different sets of kids. That unravels your “us-ness” as a couple.
“It typically takes four to seven years for a stepfamily to find their rhythm,” Deal adds. “There is no rushing it. You can’t will it into being. There are certain aspects of your family that will merge faster than others. Even in the midst of figuring out how to make it work, your marriage can be thriving.”
Looking for more? Check out this article of JulieB TV on this topic!
Many parents would agree that a great deal of parenting time is spent teaching children right from wrong, the importance of honesty, responsibility, good character and much more. These are many of the essential qualities they will need to be successful in life – especially when your kids mess up.
No matter how much effort we put into teaching our children, there are bound to be times when they disappoint us for one reason or another.
“I can remember the first time my son really disappointed me,” says Jim Smith.* “I was angry at him and at the same time I was beating myself over the head trying to figure out where I had gone wrong in raising him. For a long time, I felt sorry for him. Instead of trying to help correct what happened, I tried to compensate. Just when I thought things had turned around, he would do something else. It is hard to get past not thinking it is always your fault when your children make poor choices.”
This type of response from parents is common. Whether it’s bouncing checks, drug use, risky sexual behavior, driving recklessly, unhealthy relationships or lying, it hurts to see our children make mistakes, especially when their choices affect their future.
Often when children, young or old, do disappointing things, the first reaction is to try and fix it. When problems arise, parents often try to control their child’s choices and remove the consequences, thinking that their actions are the loving thing to do, but that may not be true. Sometimes the most loving thing a parent can do is let go.
When children are young, parents are typically directing behavior. When children enter the teen years and beyond, a parent’s role ideally shifts to coaching their children, along with helping them make their own decisions and accept personal responsibility for their choices.
If you are dealing with disappointment in your older child’s behavior, consider these things:
- See your child as separate from you and making his/her own choices.
- Understand that their behavior is not a direct reflection of who you are.
- Stop rescuing. Let them fall and experience the consequences of their choices. Experience is a great teacher.
- Recognize that you can love your child while allowing them to make their own choices. And it will probably be painful.
- Make a conscious decision to go on with your life. Know that you have done the best job you knew how to do.
- Take responsibility for those areas where you believe you fell short. Then move on and model healthy actions going forward.
Smith says that he finally realized that he did everything he could to teach his son right from wrong. But his kid continues to mess up.
“I finally told him that it isn’t that you are a bad person; it is the choices you keep making, and you will always have difficulty because of those choices,” Smith says. “At some point I had to stop taking it personally and let go, realizing I could not change him.”
Looking for more resources? Watch this episode of JulieB TV for an in-depth look on this topic!
8 Ways to Manage Family Time
The beginning of the school year, for some, actually feels more like a new year. Families are getting acquainted with new schools, new teachers and new schedules, not to mention a buffet line of new opportunities for extracurricular activities. If parents aren’t careful, they will have kids involved in three different activities, going in opposite directions. As a result, learning to manage family time is now even harder.
How many times have you found yourself grabbing the kids from school, running by a fast-food place for dinner and heading out to practice with one child trying to finish homework in the car and the other throwing on their practice clothes? Many parents have resigned themselves to believing this is life as we know it and the goal is to survive.
Before your family life becomes a runaway train, consider what is best for your family when it comes to afterschool activities and the amount of time you spend together. Many loud voices will tell you all the things your child needs to participate in for future success. Certainly, extracurricular activities can make your child’s life richer, but they can also create additional stress and anxiety for the entire family.
When you rarely sit down for a meal together or have the opportunity to connect, relationships can suffer. Plus, trying to keep up can be exhausting. So, how much is too much?
Here are some suggestions from kidshealth.org to help you manage activities and family connectedness:
- Set ground rules ahead of time. Plan on kids playing one sport per season or limit activities to two afternoons or evenings during the school week.
- Know how much time things require. Does your child realize soccer practice is twice a week or more, right after school? Then there’s the weekly game. Will homework suffer?
- Set priorities. School comes first. If kids have a hard time keeping up academically, they may need to drop an activity.
- Know when to say no. If your child is already active but really wants to take on another activity, discuss what needs to be dropped to make room for something new.
- Stay organized with a calendar. Display it on the refrigerator so everybody can stay up-to-date. And if you find an empty space on the calendar, leave it alone! Everyone needs a chance to just do nothing.
- Even if kids sign up for the season, let them miss one or two sessions. Sometimes hanging out on a beautiful day is more important than going to one more activity, even if you’ve already paid for it.
- Try to balance activities for all of your kids — and yourself. It hardly seems fair to expend time and energy carting one kid to activities, leaving little time for another. Take time for yourself and spend time together as a family.
- Create family moments. Plan a few dinners when everyone can be home at the same time.
As a parent, when you manage family time, it’s a precious commodity. And your children will grow up in the blink of an eye. Plan now to set your family priorities, avoid unnecessary activities and be intentional about spending time together as a family.
How to Stop Children from Lying
Ever caught your child in a lie? I have.
My son would ALWAYS tell me the truth when he was younger – no matter what. As he has grown, telling the truth has been a bit more challenging for him. In middle school, he would lie at the drop of a hat. I would get so frustrated, and my reactions only made the situations even worse.
Now that he’s in high school, he still lies from time to time, but thankfully not as often. I am indeed beginning to understand something as a parent: Stopping a child from lying has more to do with my reaction to the lie than the actual lie itself. In fact, I’ve discovered a strategy that works.
Ready to hear it?
This strategy focuses more on the child than the lie they tell. When children lie, we have to focus on how lying triggers our reaction to the act of lying itself. Children with traumatic backgrounds often lie to survive, and all children lie because they’re afraid or stressed. But often, it really is more about our reaction or overreaction that ignites lies in children.
When your child lies, start by asking yourself three things:
- Is there an unmet need?
- Does my child have a fear?
- Do I overreact?
Then, try these steps to help your child stop the cycle of lying:
- Once you hear your child lie, check your mindset and your reaction. Encourage and reassure your child that you love them. Be calm and walk away if you’re upset.
- Address the problem. Later, when your child is working on homework or watching TV, talk about how much it bothers you when he or she lies to you. Let them know that no matter what, you want them to feel safe enough to tell you the truth. It is essential for your child to trust you and understand that everything is going to be okay, so try not to overreact.
- Remember that discipline is about teaching, not punishing your child. This will help you create a positive and safe atmosphere for them, and provide security in the relationship.
- Think about your example. If your child hears or sees you telling lies, it will be easier for them to mimic what they see you do. Always be the example for your children in everything – they are watching!
- Build value in truth-telling and celebrate the successes of being honest by affirming their choices to tell the truth. Do not celebrate catching them in a lie (gotcha moments).
Remember, how you handle it when your child lies can either build up or tear down your relationship. If you want to stay connected, work to establish and maintain a safe environment and focus on changing the behavior in a positive way. Though you may not see results overnight, they will eventually learn to catch and redirect themselves.
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Are you a technology-distracted parent? The little girl was playing in the playground area of a fast food restaurant, yelling at her mom, “Watch me, Mama! Watch me!” Consumed by her cell phone, her mom did not hear her daughter calling to her. The child came down the slide, went over to her mom and started tugging on her arm, saying, “Mommy, Mommy, watch me.” At this point the mother looked at her daughter, seemingly irritated at the interruption, and said, “What?”
Perhaps you’ve been that mom at one point or another, and chances are good you’ve witnessed that mom. For some, that moment when a child is occupied on the safe playground is the opportunity to take a little break. For others, constant distractions keep parents from engaging with their kids.
Dr. Jenny Radesky is a fellow in developmental behavioral pediatrics at Boston Medical Center. She and a team of researchers observed 55 caregivers, usually a parent, eating and interacting with one or more children, from infants to 10-year-olds, in fast-food restaurants.
Out of 55 caregivers, 40 were involved with their phones during the meal. Sixteen of these adults used the mobile device throughout the meal. The researchers referred to this as “absorption with the mobile device.”
Three adults gave a device to a child to keep them occupied. One adult with a little girl picked up her phone as soon as she sat down, and she used it throughout the entire meal.
“The girl keeps eating, then gets up to cross the room to get more ketchup. Caregiver is not watching her do this; she is looking down at the phone…,” the notes showed. “Still no conversation… Now girl’s head appears to be looking right at caregiver, and caregiver looks up but not at girl…”
How much screen time is too much screen time when it comes to being an engaged parent? Perhaps the better question is, are you frequently distracted by your phone or some other device when your child is trying to get your attention?
If you aren’t sure if you’re a technology-distracted parent, The Gottman Institute encourages you to consider these questions:
- When was the last time you played with your child or teenager?
- What was the last conversation you shared as a family?
- Ask your kids if they feel you are distracted. Honesty can go a long way in opening up communication. Just avoid responding defensively and ask more about what they need from you.
- Think about the last conversation you had with an adult. Were they on their phone? Did you make eye contact? Did you feel heard?
- What makes you feel heard? The same things that make you feel heard probably apply to the children and teens in your life. Have an open conversation about what listening looks like in different settings.
Many young people complain that their parents nag at them for always being on their phone, yet they believe their parents are as consumed by technology as they are.
Perhaps one of the most important things for parents to remember is that children are very good at copying the behavior that parents model for them.
Technology isn’t going away. When parents decide to put down the cell phone, turn off the game, and walk away from the emails on the computer to focus on their children, it sends a significant message: You matter. You are more important than the screen. I value you.
Face-to-face relationships beat technology any day of the week.
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Most parents believe they’re pretty good at communicating love toward their children. But did you know that saying “I love you” only begins the process of communicating your love for your child?
There are some important communication practices to consider. For example, has your child ever said they were hungry and you told them they weren’t because they just ate? When kids say things like this and parents discount or correct the feeling, children think they can’t trust their own feelings and judgment. They also believe they need to rely on someone else to tell them what they think and feel. This can be very dangerous.
Validating a child’s feelings helps them feel important and loved.
When parents want to raise capable children who think, solve problems and care for others, it’s important for them to trust their feelings. Instead of discounting a child’s expression of anger or feeling tired, ask questions that will lead them to talk about their feelings, such as, “Tell me what you are angry about.” Or, “You just woke up from your nap, do you think you need to sleep a little longer or do you think you just aren’t quite awake yet?”
In an effort to show love, parents often give their child what fills their own emotional fuel tank.
For instance, if a parent loves receiving gifts and that really replenishes their tank, they may show love to their child by giving them gifts. But, gifts may not mean as much to that child as a big bear hug, which is the language of physical touch. In turn, the parent may become frustrated because the child does not respond to the gifts like the parent expected.
Several books have been written about the languages of love. Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages of Children, lists the love languages as:
- Acts of service
- Quality time
- Words of affirmation
- Gifts
- Physical touch
Chapman asserts that speaking a child’s primary love language can fill the child’s emotional fuel tank much more effectively.
Although parents need to speak all five love languages to their child, one language usually speaks louder than any other. Once a parent knows the child’s primary love language, this language can more effectively motivate, discipline and teach their child.
In a world where many children seem confused and are looking for love in all the wrong places, parents have the opportunity to give a wonderful gift. Learning their child’s love language and speaking it often will truly say, “I love you.”
