5 Ways to Say “I’m Sorry”
Have you ever seen someone say, “I’m sorry” in front of a group of people? Typically, one person thinks the apology sincere while others thought it was not. If so, you are not alone.
According to Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages and The Five Languages of Apology, people speak different love languages and they also speak different languages of apology. Even when someone says they are sorry, in many instances the other person may not hear it as a sincere apology for a number of reasons.
“Most people are looking for specifics in an apology—and unless they hear it or recognize it, they don’t trust it,” says Chapman. “The person who has been hurt needs to know for certain that the apology is genuine. But how do we communicate such sincerity? Therein lies the problem. What one person considers a sincere apology may not sound, or actually be, sincere to another person.”
Apology is about validating the other person’s feelings when they feel hurt or wronged. When you start the process of forgiveness, you’re on your way to reconnecting.
The five languages of apology are:
- Expressing regret. This is the emotional aspect of an apology. People who speak this language believe it is important to acknowledge that you offended them. Then you must express your own sense of guilt, shame and pain that your behavior has hurt them deeply. Actually being able to say “I am sorry” is very important to a person who speaks this language.
- Accepting responsibility. In this instance an apology means accepting responsibility for one’s actions and being willing to say “I was wrong.” This is often very difficult because admitting you are wrong can be perceived as weakness.
- Making restitution. For an apology to be genuine, it isn’t just about saying “I’m sorry.” Instead, it’s all about making things right for a person who speaks this language. They want acknowledgment of the wrongdoing and they want to know what you are going to do to make it right.
- Genuinely repenting. The word repentance means “to turn around” or to change one’s mind. If a person speaks this language of apology, they are expecting that you not only apologize, but that you will seek not to repeat the offense again in the future.
- Requesting forgiveness. A person who speaks this language believes that an apology not only includes “I am sorry,” but also a request for forgiveness. Requesting forgiveness indicates to some that you want to see the relationship fully restored.
When they say, “I’m sorry,” they accept responsibility for their behavior and seek to make amends with the offended person. A genuine apology opens the door to the possibility of forgiveness and reconciliation so the relationship can continue to grow. Without an apology, the offense sits as a barrier, diminishing the quality of the relationship.
“A husband shared with me that as soon as he read the book, he understood what went on in his marriage,” Chapman says. “He explained that his language of apology is expressing regret. If his wife said that, he considered the situation put to rest. But if he said ‘I’m sorry’ to her, she had trouble forgiving him. He even lectured her about letting go of things once an apology had been offered. He didn’t understand why she would want to hold on to these things. After reading the book, he realized her language of apology is making restitution. He never thought about what he needed to do to make it up to her. She would say to him, ‘Well, you think you can just say ‘I’m sorry’ and things will be just fine. But things aren’t just fine.’ He really needed to ask what he needed to do to make this up to her.”
Chapman encourages people to determine their language of apology and share it with their spouse, family members and co-workers.
“I encourage people to make a little cheat sheet so that when an offense occurs toward a spouse, child, family member or co-worker, they know what language of apology to speak to that particular person,” Chapman says. “Good relationships are always marked by a willingness to apologize, forgive and reconcile.”
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
For many, the first week on the job is full of uncertainties, adjustments and even mistakes. Joining a new sports team or a band is sure to start off with some failed expectations, missed notes or assignments, too. I’ve worked at companies where I had an awful first week. But my time there ended up being fulfilling, successful and beneficial for everyone involved. The first week of anything new can be hard!
When a couple marries, each person has their own history, experiences, traditions and culture. They also have their own way of thinking, relating and communicating. So, why in the world would it surprise anyone that the first week of marriage (usually during the honeymoon) doesn’t go as planned? I’ve heard some horrific honeymoon stories from numerous couples I’ve worked with over the years. From big arguments and no sex to major disagreements and running out of money (and beyond), these couples’ biggest fear is that their awful honeymoon is a sign that their marriage is doomed from the beginning.
Let’s understand why it’s not the case.
An awful honeymoon doesn’t mean your marriage will be awful, too.
It doesn’t matter whether we lived together, lived nearby or hundreds of miles apart. For many, the wedding day is a game-changer. The day we commit to do all that we can to make our marriage work is when life changes. Often, because of expectations. Sometimes our support circle doesn’t help because we’re in our “honeymoon phase” and they feel they should respect our privacy. The media doesn’t help because it paints an unrealistic picture that all honeymoons are perfect. Ironically, couples don’t help each other, either. Why? Because we think we know all there is to know about being married—even though we’ve been doing it for a grand whopping total of 2 days.
Marriage is a journey, and the ceremony is just the beginning. Two people truly functioning in step with one another takes years to get really good at it. Our habits, beliefs and ideas were perfect in our minds until our spouse told us differently. Of course, we didn’t agree with them when they told us. But before the years of learning how to “click” as a couple scare us, we need to know there’s a lot of joy in the journey.
The journey is a process where hopefully each spouse is learning to be considerate, generous and loving toward the other. This process usually comes after we realize that we may have been a little more selfish, inconsiderate and stingy than we thought. When we drop the expectations that both parties already know how to do this well and embrace the journey, we can find joy in learning to do this marriage thing together. Instead of seeing a disastrous honeymoon as a sign that we shouldn’t be together, see it as the first step toward learning how to do marriage well.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
“Honey, what does this “+” sign mean on this stick?”
“It means you’re gonna be a dad.” Whoa!
I immediately have to make a choice, and it may seem easy, but it’s not. The fact is, I’m NOT excited about this unplanned pregnancy in our marriage.
This is going against the carefully thought-out plan we concocted so that our child(ren) could have the best life and be in the best position for success while also allowing me and our family to be successful at the same time.
No, I’m still not excited. On the other hand, my wife is jumping through the roof with excitement.
Hold up, did she let this happen on purpose? Do I fake it and join in with her? Am I honest with her? Am I sensitive? Should I let her have her moment or am I being real with myself and her?
Fast forward: 11 years and SIX kids later. Yep, six. (None were planned, although some were more of a surprise than others. For instance, conceiving while changing birth control methods). And guess what? My wife and I worked through it all, together and honestly.
Because of my wife’s understanding when I was honest and transparent about my concerns, not just about how life would change, but about my deep resentment that she wanted a baby right then even though I didn’t, we made it through the fears and the guilt.
There are legitimate, deeply personal reasons for not being excited about an unplanned pregnancy.
- Concerns about how it will affect the marriage.
- Not where you want to be in your career.
- Financial considerations.
- Effects of pregnancy and childbirth on a woman’s body.
- Just don’t feel ready to be a parent.
The idea that I was wrong for initially feeling rejection toward the baby is damaging. Marriage is intended to be a place where honesty, transparency and reality can take place without judgment. It’s a place where you can handle an emotion personally, without taking the emotion personally (let that sink in). My wife took it personally that I thought she was being selfish and even divisive by wanting the baby. But she quickly realized that my emotions came from a place of fear, guilt and anxiety.
What got us through?
We talked and we disagreed. We expressed the strong emotions we had, but we did it together. When outsiders said hurtful things, we told one another and we cared for each other. We acknowledged where both of us were and decided that it was ok, because it was real. But we never forgot that together, we ultimately had what we needed to take on the privileged position of parenthood.
By the way, guess who was the first person to buy a book to read to the baby in the womb? You got it: Me! Now that I think about it, our process may have made us better parents. I can definitely say that how we handled our unplanned pregnancy strengthened our marriage and deepened our emotional intimacy.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Engaged Couples and Expectations
Headed down the aisle soon? You probably have some thoughts rolling around in your brain about being engaged and your expectations. Don’t worry! You aren’t alone.
Almost everyone comes to marriage with some pretty specific ideas about how things will be. These expectations might be based on what people have experienced in their own family (things they liked or didn’t like and don’t want to repeat), a romantic movie, a previous relationship… or even the Hallmark Channel.
Here’s the thing: Whether it’s how you plan to handle money, accepting support from family and in-laws, how often you will make love, being on time, handling conflict, career aspirations, helping with chores or cleanliness, if you don’t talk about your expectations ahead of time, there’s a good chance it could lead to some disappointing and frustrating moments in the future.
People often don’t voice their expectations when they’re engaged. Sometimes they fear the other person won’t live up to them.
If you do talk about them and your spouse-to-be doesn’t see these expectations as a big deal or doesn’t plan to change their approach to these issues, you may try to convince yourself that things will change once you have a ring on your finger and things are more final. Don’t let that idea fool you, though. Lots of studies indicate that the best time to look for behavior change is before the wedding, not after.
Unspoken expectations can silently kill relationships. Do yourself and your fiancé a favor: Be honest about what you expect. Just because your family did something a certain way doesn’t mean you necessarily have to do it the same way. It could be that while discussing what is important to you both, you realize your expectations aren’t realistic.
One thing you want to guard against is sacrificing who you are in the name of your relationship. If your faith is very important to you and you strongly expect your fiancé to one day share your faith values, realize that change is possible. But it could place a hefty load of tension on your relationship.
It’s totally possible that you and your fiancé have engaged expectations of each other that you don’t even realize you have. Taking the time to go through a premarital education experience either in person or online could help you both identify things you feel strongly about. It can also help you work through those issues before marriage. Talking about your expectations ahead of time can save you a lot of headaches and heartache down the road.
Image form Unsplash.com
Dads don’t matter. Seriously, dads don’t make a difference – unless it matters that children are physically and emotionally healthy and achieve educational success. If those things matter for your children, then fathers DO make a difference.
Dr. Alma Golden, pediatrician and former member of the American Academy of Pediatrics Task Force on the Family, has a lot to say about marriage and children.
“As Baby Boomers we were told these things:
- Marriage is old-fashioned and confining;
- Open relationships are healthier and more conducive to personal development;
- Fathers are nice but not necessary;
- It is better to live with a divorced mother than two unhappy parents;
- The kids will be OK, they are flexible; and
- Financial disparities are the reason for the differences in health and educational achievement.
“What we believed changed our world and started driving personal decisions. People started getting married later. Women are having fewer children and having them later. Single mothers are giving birth to more children. Fewer children are living with their married biological parents,” says Golden.
So how do these changes affect children?
A study of 294,000 families released in 2010 by the Centers for Disease Control indicates family structure makes a huge difference for children.
The CDC study indicates that when children grow up with their two married biological parents, they have a lower rate of delayed medical care. They’re also less likely to have ADHD regardless of income, education, poverty status, place of residence or region.
Additionally, an earlier study found that in sixth through 12th graders, the strongest predictor of getting a diploma and going to college is having a father who attends PTA meetings.
“When dads show a clear commitment to their children, encouraging them in their educational endeavors, children do better,” Golden says. “The research also indicated that a married daddy at home doubles the chances that a child learns self-management.
“Conversely, non-nuclear families seem to struggle with a lot of issues. For example, cohabiting fathers have less than half the income of married fathers. They tend to bring less commitment to the family as a general rule. The implications for the children are they have fewer resources available to them. Additionally, seven in 10 children of cohabiting couples will experience parental separation.”
Findings from the American Academy of Pediatrics Task Force in 2003 showed that:
- Married men and women are physically and emotionally healthier. They are less likely to participate in risky behavior such as alcohol and drug abuse.
- Married men and women live longer.
- People behave differently when they are married. They live healthier lifestyles and monitor each other’s health. And, the increased social support also increases the family’s chances of success.
“If we look back at the baby boomer list, what we now know is that marriage is actually beneficial for men, women and children,” Golden says. “Cohabitation is often of low-trust, stressful and more prone to violence and dissolution. Fathers are a necessity. Good enough marriages produce better outcomes than divorce. The kids are NOT flexible and may not be OK and family structure and stability are more important predictors of outcomes than finances.”
Image from Unsplash.com
Over the years, there has been a shift in the sequence of marriage and parenthood. Remember the rhyme?
“First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage…”
Not so – at least anymore. In fact, 57 percent of mothers between the age of 26 and 31 are unmarried when their child is born.
While you may think this is the “new normal,” it isn’t the norm for everyone.
A study by Andrew Cherlin at Johns Hopkins University shows that a college education has become more than a pathway to higher paying jobs. A college education is now a definitive factor in childbearing. Of mothers without a high school diploma, 63 percent of births occur outside of marriage. Among college-educated young women, 71 percent of births occur within marriage.
How does this trend affect children?
Research shows that this set of circumstances creates two distinct paths for children where marriage and education are the deciding factors. When children grow up in a home with their two married parents, they are more likely to experience a stable environment with access to an array of resources and educational opportunities.
In a non-married home, children are less likely to grow up with stability or opportunity to access the same type of resources.
Children from single-parent homes are five times more likely to experience poverty. But, children who grow up with their married parents in low-income homes are at far less risk of being poor.
Children need stability.
But in an interview with the news site, Vox, Cherlin shared his concern about the stability of family lives for children. Cohabiting unions typically break up at higher rates than marriages. About half of all cohabiting couples will either marry or break up within two years. Those who break up will likely create more cohabiting unions – and creating more instability.
If you believe that people with a high school diploma or less are not as likely to want marriage, think again. Katheryn Edin’s research (Promises I Can Keep) with 150 low-income women clearly indicates that these women want marriage, but they have to wait to find the right person to marry. However, getting pregnant is something they can do right away.
Most teens (74%) see marriage and children in their future – in that order. This is according to a June 2014 National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unwanted Pregnancies report.
Clearly, there is a disconnect concerning the significance of marriage and its impact on child well-being. Our society often emphasizes the importance of higher education for young people. It usually fails to address, however, the sequencing for success and the significance of marriage.
There are profoundly different outcomes for children when people attain higher education, work full time, marry and then start families.
Their chances of living in poverty drop from 12 percent to 2 percent. Also, the chances of joining the middle class move from 56 percent to 74 percent. Imagine how future generations would be impacted if more people realized the benefits of following this “success sequence.”
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Every time I introduce myself to a group, I always lead with the fact that I have been married for 24.5 years. I often see wide eyes and hear deep sighs after that. Then I tell them we’ve been together for 30 years, which is often longer than some of the participants have been alive. Some will even give a round of applause. I say my husband needs a standing ovation for being with me all these years.
As we move toward our silver anniversary, I’m thinking about and reminiscing on the things that allowed us to make it when so many didn’t make it to five years, much less 25, especially since my husband and I are so very different. I think there are two main things that keep us together.
For us, quitting is not an option.
We’re both from families where our parents stayed married for many years. My parents were married for 35 years before my mother died. My in-loves will celebrate 56 years of marriage in August. Plus, our grandparents stayed married for 50+ years. We saw marriage lived out in all of its complexities, and I saw my parents stay together through ups and downs. When I was a child, my parents came close to the point of divorce. Seeing them happy and in love as an adult reinforced my view that marriage is HARD WORK. But it is so worth it.
We choose to accept and respect the differences we have.
From the very beginning of our relationship, my husband and I were different. He liked Lakers’ Showtime of the 80s while I was a fan of the Bad Boys of Detroit. I loved pro-football and he was big college fan. I am an extreme extrovert who loves being around a lot of people while he is much more comfortable around a small group of close friends.
For a long time, I wanted him to act more like me. I thought it would make our relationship better if we liked ALL the same things. I now realize and respect our differences. If I were with someone JUST LIKE ME, one of us would certainly be unnecessary. The fact that we are not the same and see things differently makes us STRONGER. We lovingly and consistently challenge each other to see old things in a new and unique way.
No matter where you are in a relationship, it’s important to love and accept your partner for who they are without spending all of your energy into shaping them into the image you want them to be. If they are not who you want them to be, or if their actions don’t mesh with you, you have another difficult decision to make.
Perhaps the person who needs to change isn’t them; it just might be you.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Does marriage matter? People have been asking this question for decades. For Richer, For Poorer: How Family Structures Economic Success in America examined how family structure impacts the economic fortunes of American families. Dr. Brad Wilcox, senior fellow at the Institute for Family Studies and Robert Lerman, professor of economics at American University, conducted the research.
They concluded that marriage is key to productive adulthood, stable families and healthy communities.
Five significant findings emerged from this study about the relationships between family patterns and economic well-being in America:
- The retreat from marriage is key to the changing economic fortunes of American family life. The median income of families with children would be approximately 44% higher if the United States enjoyed 1980-levels of married parenthood today.
- Strong associations exist between growing up with both parents in an intact family and higher levels of education, work and income. Young men and women from intact families enjoy an annual “intact family premium.” The premium amounts to $6,500 and $4,700, respectively, over the incomes of their peers from single-parent families.
- Men obtain a substantial “marriage premium” and women bear no marriage penalty to their individual incomes. Plus, both men and women enjoy substantially higher family incomes compared to peers with otherwise similar characteristics.
- Growing up with both parents increases the odds of attaining higher education. Higher education leads to higher odds of marriage as an adult. Both the extra education and marriage result in higher income levels. Men and women from intact families who are currently married enjoy an annual “family premium” in their household income. The premium exceeds that of their single peers from in non-intact families by at least $42,000.
- All populations benefit from growing up in an intact family and being married. It applies about as much to blacks, Hispanics and whites. The advantages also apply to less-educated men and women. Men with a high-school diploma or less enjoy a marriage premium of at least $17,000 compared to single peers.
Strong and stable families are economically vital.
Consequently, Wilcox and Lerman contend that business and civic leaders and policymakers should strengthen and stabilize marriage and family life in the U.S. And since the poor and working class feel the impact of the nation’s retreat from marriage most, Lerman and Wilcox believe the efforts should be focused on them.
The authors also recommend:
- Public policy should “do no harm” when it comes to marriage. Policymakers should eliminate or reduce marriage penalties.
- Civic institutions, private and public partners, businesses, state governments and public schools should launch a national “success sequence” campaign together. This would encourage young adults to sequence schooling, work, marriage and then parenthood. It would also stress the benefits of being born to married parents with a secure economic foundation.
Lerman and Wilcox contend that the nation’s retreat from marriage is worrisome. It not only affects family inequality, but men’s declining labor-force participation and the vitality of the American dream.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
