Have you ever noticed that every time you leave a certain family member’s presence, you feel worse than you did before you saw them?
Have you ever noticed that your aunt gossips all the time?
Or that your in-laws criticize your every move?
Or that your own parents are more controlling now than ever?
And what about that uncle who doesn’t care what you’re doing—he thinks it’s okay to show up whenever he wants.
Toxic family members make your head hurt. They are poisonous to your health. They can drain you emotionally every time they are around.
How do you recognize toxic family members?
- When you leave their presence, you often feel worse than you did before.
- They want to control your life. They tell you the decisions you should make, how you should spend your money, and the people you should be friends with.
- You feel that they seem to always criticize you—your parenting, your cooking, your house management, anything and everything.
- They may be physically, verbally, or emotionally abusive.
- They always “need” you to come to their rescue.
Totally removing a toxic family member from your life may not be an option. However, you can manage the relationship to minimize its negative effects on you.
- Overcome any fear you have of hurting your family member’s feelings. Your mental and emotional health comes first. Sometimes we’ve not addressed the situation directly because we don’t want to hurt their feelings. So instead, we end up hurt, frustrated, or angry every time we have to see them.
- Set clear boundaries. People will often treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Toxic family members will often become accustomed to treating you in a certain kind of way. Until you set boundaries, it may not change. (And even then, there may be resistance because change is hard.) Standing firm on those boundaries says that you will not tolerate not being respected, valued, and treated with the dignity you deserve.
- Learn to disengage. There are some conversations you may learn not to have with certain family members. Other times, you will learn to limit the amount of time you spend with them. The key is learning how to end interactions with toxic family members when you begin to feel your emotions triggered and when to avoid interactions altogether.
- Seek help for support. Toxic family members can lead to stress, trauma, and mental health issues that may be best discussed with a counselor.
It’s important to deal with the toxicity. Your mental and emotional health—and maybe even your physical health—can depend on it. Most importantly though, you’re worth it. Your very being is worth being treated with respect. You’re the one who should have control of your life.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***