Do Similarities Attract in Romantic Relationships?

Some say opposites attract. Others argue that similarity is the glue. So which is it?

Turns out, science is siding with the “birds of a feather” crowd. A massive meta-analysis of 313 studies found that both actual and perceived similarity increase attraction between people. Perceived similarity (thinking we’re alike) helps in early dating, but actual similarity (being alike) becomes more important as time goes on.

And it’s not just attraction.

Research consistently shows that couples who share values—like faith, family priorities, financial goals, or life purpose—experience more satisfaction and fewer conflicts.

That alignment creates a sense of shared direction, which is especially grounding during life’s bigger storms (like teething toddlers or unexpected job changes).

It’s not just values. Similarity in personality traits also plays a meaningful role. Couples who are on the same wavelength when it comes to traits like openness, agreeableness, and emotional stability tend to report greater relationship quality.

Let me break that down practically: If you’re someone who craves structure and calm, and your partner thrives in chaos and impulse, you might find yourselves out of sync when life gets stressful. On the other hand, if you both tend to process stress similarly—whether that’s with humor, reflection, or a shared bowl of mint chip ice cream—you’re more likely to feel supported, understood, and, frankly, less annoyed at each other when things go sideways.

Another factor in the “does similarity matter” equation is how well you read and respond to each other’s emotions. Empathic accuracy—that ability to understand what your partner is feeling and needing—has been linked to healthier day-to-day interactions, especially after disagreements.

This doesn’t mean you need to be carbon copies emotionally. But having a shared emotional rhythm, or at least mutual respect for each other’s rhythms, can help couples de-escalate conflict, reconnect faster, and reduce emotional exhaustion.

In the “Hall house” with two little kids and two big careers, this kind of harmony isn’t just helpful—it’s holy.

Now, being similar doesn’t mean you have to enjoy all the same hobbies or finish each other’s sentences (although that can be cute). Research on what psychologists call the Michelangelo phenomenon reveals that the best relationships help us become better versions of ourselves. That happens when your partner supports your dreams and growth, even if they’re different from theirs.

So, it’s not always about matching interests—it’s about matching investments. It’s about being co-architects of the life you want to build together.

But let’s be honest—differences can be exciting. They keep things interesting and offer opportunities to learn from each other. (I married someone who loves to dream and vision, while I can organize a closet like it’s going on the cover of a magazine.) Research shows that differences might fuel the initial spark, but similarity often sustains the fire.

In other words, being wildly different can make dating thrilling—but being meaningfully similar makes a long-term partnership more sustainable.

I wouldn’t be where I am today—leading a mission-driven organization and parenting two little ones with a decent amount of joy and humor—without a partner who shares my foundational values. We approach conflict in similar ways, believe in the same bigger purpose, and know how to support each other without trying to change who the other person is.

Sure, we’re different in a million tiny ways. (Let’s just say one of us considers “on time” to mean five minutes early and the other thinks it means still finding their shoes.) But when it comes to how we see the world, raise our kids, and handle life’s curveballs, we’re solid. And that’s what counts.

So, does it matter if you’re similar? Yes—especially when it comes to your values, emotional style, and willingness to grow together. Similarity won’t solve every problem, but it gives you a shared language and rhythm for tackling life’s hardest and happiest moments.

Because when the baby’s up at 2 a.m. and your six-year-old is asking deep philosophical questions like “Do bugs have birthdays?”, it’s good to be in sync with the person beside you in the trenches. Even if they think you load the dishwasher all wrong.

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First. Contact her at [email protected].