Marriage Benefits Children
Marriage is declining, and some believe it really doesn’t matter anymore. However, some compelling findings indicate it might matter more than you think, especially for a child’s well-being.
Wendy Manning, director of the Center for Family and Demographic Research at Bowling Green State University, says family instability is a consistent and negative implication for child health in both cohabiting and married-parent families.
Moreover, a 2010 CDC study on child well-being and family structure shows that children from homes with married parents did better in every category.
Children ages 12-17 living with cohabiting parents instead of married parents are:
- Six times more likely to exhibit emotional and behavioral problems;
- 122 percent more likely to be expelled from school; and
- 90 percent more likely to have a lower GPA.
Additional studies indicate that children born to couples that live together are more likely to see their parents break up.
In fact, two-thirds will split up before their child is 12. Most split up before their child is 5. Compare that to only one-quarter of married parents who split up. Cohabiting relationships seem to be more fragile than marital relationships.
Economic indicators show that 21 percent of children with cohabiting parents live below the poverty line. Only one in 10 children with married parents lives in poverty.
As of early 2016, half of all children born to women under 30 were born out of wedlock.
Pew Research and other studies find that most Americans would like to marry someday.
So why are so many young people choosing cohabitation over marriage? What explains the increase in women under 30 choosing to have children outside of marriage? Well, it’s complicated.
For starters, many young people don’t want the kind of marriage their parents had, nor are they confident that they can actually do marriage well. Others say there are no marriageable men or women. Some see no benefit in a “formal” arrangement for themselves and their children.
Plenty of research indicates that healthy marriage positively impacts children and society. And despite growing up with examples of unhealthy marriages, divorce or other adverse childhood experiences, it’s possible to heal from the past and have healthy relationships and even healthy marriages.
But the research is clear. The social, economic, health, and emotional benefits of marriage extend to everyone but are especially crucial for children.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
How to Prevent Bullying
Paul Coughlin’s passion to prevent bullying comes from his own bullying experience while in elementary school. He understands how a campaign of cruelty can damage a person’s emotional and psychological well-being, not just in childhood, but often for life.
This knowledge, along with his passion, led him to start an anti-bullying effort called The Protectors, whose primary focus is on the potential strength, heroic desire and rescuing capacity of bystanders. Studies show that bystanders possess the most potential to transform an environment of bullying into one of character, freedom and justice. One study revealed that if only one bystander, whether popular or not, uses his or her assertive but nonviolent words in defense of a target, the incident of bullying can end 58 percent of the time within six to eight seconds.
How prevalent is bullying in schools?
-
One out of every four students report being victims of bullying during the school year. (National Center for Educational Statistics, 2015)
-
Of children who are bullied, 64 percent did not report it. (Petrosino, Guckenburg, DeVoe, and Hanson, 2010)
-
School-based bullying prevention programs decrease bullying by up to 25 percent. (McCallion and Feder, 2013)
-
The reasons for being bullied reported most often by students were looks (55 percent), body shape (37 percent) and race (16 percent). (Davis and Nixon, 2010)
According to Coughlin, an expert witness regarding bullying and the law, bullying is not about conflict and miscommunication. It is about standing in contempt of another human being.
“It is a myth that the bully has anger management problems,” says Coughlin. “Bullies are highly predatory people. Bullies tend to come from homes with coercive parenting styles where parents express disdain and contempt of people who are different from them. Young people learn through modeling, this is how you treat people.”
What can you do to prevent bullying?
-
Speak Up. If someone is bullying you, tell them to stop.
-
Bystanders are the best front line of defense. Stand up for the victim when you see bullying happen. Phrases such as, “Stop it, that’s wrong,” “Let’s do something else,” “I am going to report you” are powerful and can stop the bullying.
-
Schools can adopt anonymous reporting. One of the top five apps changing the world for good, as reported by CNN, is an anonymous reporting app called STOPit.
-
Take the incident seriously. Act sooner rather than later.
-
Don’t look the other way. When you know something is happening, report it.
“What’s really going to change bullying is when we change parenting,” Coughlin says. “As parents, we need to expect our kids to help someone in need. It needs to be part of your family mission and purpose. I have actually had this conversation with all three of my kids. I expect you to do something life-affirming. We don’t stand by and watch someone’s psychological flesh get seared from their body and do nothing.
“Research actually shows that when we see someone being targeted and you have the power to act yet you do nothing, our capacity for courage, sympathy and empathy decrease. We become small-souled. If we want strong kids, this is a pivotal moment. This is a tremendous opportunity for character development.”
Although it is not possible to prevent bullying altogether, there is no excuse for allowing it to continue if you know it is going on. Speaking up for yourself or another victim can make a huge difference both now and in the future.
How to Avoid Raising an Entitled Child
In Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Veruca Salt is the bratty little entitled child who tells her daddy she wants a goose that lays the golden eggs. Her father immediately turns to Willy Wonka and asks, “How much for the goose?”
Wonka tells him they are not for sale. Veruca says she wants one immediately, makes more demands of her father and basically throws a temper tantrum. Although her father seems embarrassed by his daughter’s behavior, he allows it to continue.
“Parents who did not grow up with a lot themselves often desire to give their children what they did not have with the intention of helping them to have a better life,” says psychologist Susan Hickman.
Perhaps that was the case with Veruca. Most people cringe at her behavior. Unfortunately, giving children a lot without earning it can lead to ingratitude and a sense of entitlement.
“Entitlement is about excess,” Hickman says. “It is like a cancer on your personality. In the formative years, if children don’t learn the correlation between effort, earning and then receiving, the effect of this multiplies as they get into their teen years and then into young adulthood. It is hard to wash out the sense of entitlement.”
Hickman believes it is a mistake for parents to lead their child to believe he/she is the center of the universe.
This mistake is often unintentional and is based on sacrificial love for their children.
“It is true that parents need to make sure their child’s basic needs are met for food, clothing and shelter,” Hickman says. But there must be a give-and-take between parents and the children. In other words, it isn’t all about the kids.
Giving your children everything they want, allowing them to do all they want to do and/or telling them they excel at all they attempt is not necessarily helpful in the long run.
There are, however, some strategies to help you avoid raising an entitled child.
-
Avoid excess. Excess leads to unrealistic expectations.
-
Stick with the basics. A phone that works is adequate. If they want something nicer, let them earn it. People tend to appreciate what they earn.
-
Hardship builds character. Instead of rescuing your children from difficulty or shielding them from natural consequences, hold them accountable. Learning lessons during hard times is unparalleled compared to easy times.
-
Encourage good citizenship at home and in the community. Doing chores and helping others without pay is part of being a good family member. Teach your children that, as a member of society, the rules apply to them.
-
Don’t reward bad behavior. If your child learns that you will ultimately give in to their persistence, this will always be their default behavior. Avoid the power struggle that often leads you to give in by giving your answer and walking away.
Utilizing these strategies when your children are young will prevent a lot of drama later in life. If you haven’t used these strategies with your teens, there is still time. Change is possible, but it won’t be pretty.
The most loving thing parents can do is to make changes that will adequately prepare them for adulthood, even if they don’t like them.
Acknowledge that change will probably be difficult, but that you love them too much to continue harmful behavior. And be sure to surround yourself with people who will support and encourage you through this process.
Other blogs:
How to Make Sure Your Child Knows You Love Them
5 Mistakes Parents Make With Their Teens
7 Things Every Child Needs to Thrive
Leadership in the Home
Parents are a child’s first teacher. From infancy onward, children learn how to navigate life’s journey from watching their parents. Parents have an awesome opportunity to lead and to cast a vision for a sense of the family’s greater purpose.
Leadership in the Home Matters
“I remember a number of years ago, having a conversation with a young man. He said to me, ‘When I have kids, I’m going to be their best friend.’ I thought to myself, ‘I hope that works out for you,’” says leadership expert, Dr. Mark Mendenhall. “It has been said that where there is no vision people perish. It isn’t so much about being your child’s best friend as it is about leading them to develop and become better human beings.”
But leading is difficult when people don’t have a larger sense of moving toward a purpose (regardless of age).
Having a vision for your family is important, says Mendenhall.
“It is the parent’s role to decide who we are as a family. At home, kids can go to school and parents can go to work. If there is no big, hairy, audacious goal that everybody knows they are aiming for, people tend to just go through the motions. Everybody needs to be able to answer the question: What are we as a family all in on?”
Years ago, Mendenhall purchased a new SUV. He told his children to be careful getting in and out of the cars in the garage so they didn’t damage the SUV. He was in the family van one morning, preparing to take his daughter to school. She came bouncing out the door, and he thought to himself, “She isn’t going to remember to be careful.” She opened the passenger door, dinged the SUV and got in the van.
“I was furious and lit into her,” Mendenhall says. “In a heartbeat, I watched her face go from bubbly and happy to sad and sniffling. I don’t think we said a word the entire way to school. On the way home, I thought, ‘What just happened?’ I was thinking the piece of metal was more important to me than the best way to discipline or coach my daughter.
“It reminded me of Martin Buber’s concept of ‘I-Thou’ and ‘I-It.’ At any moment in time, as a leader or a parent, I can engage my child from the ‘I-Thou’ perspective – recognizing them as a human being with feelings, thoughts, weaknesses, strengths and ideas. Or, I can look at my child as an ‘It’ like a toaster – a thing, an object, something I want something from.”
When you make a mistake in judgment, a sincere apology is powerful.
Mendenhall later apologized for the way he treated his daughter, which is another characteristic of a strong leader. Children know you aren’t perfect, and an apology can make the parent-child relationship stronger.
Studies indicate that setting aside 30 minutes to an hour each week for a family meeting can be beneficial.
This is sacred time with no technology where the family does a fun activity together or confirms the weekly schedule.
“Family meetings were of great benefit to our family,” Mendenhall says. “It was hard, especially as the kids got older, because everybody wanted more of their time. Just being together, even if it doesn’t go well every week, is huge for keeping the family connected.”
Mendenhall also believes using participative leadership in the home is especially helpful for parents.
“When our kids were younger, we realized they were watching too much television,” Mendenhall says. “We brought them all together and said, ‘There is way too much television watching going on. We want to try and solve this problem as a family and aren’t saying no television. But, we just need to figure out how to manage this better.’
“Our daughter was drawing while we were talking. At some point, she piped up and said, ‘We could make a sign that says ‘No More TV’ and put it over the television when it’s time for the television to go off.’”
“After some discussion, everybody agreed that could work. So, she made a big poster to hang from the television. On the back of it, one of our sons (who is now an attorney) drew up a contract us all to sign.”
The ultimate goal of parenting is to launch adults into the world with a skill set that will help them both personally and professionally. It all starts with parents leading out in the home.
Making the Most of Each Moment
Like most families, the Whittaker family kept a pretty fast pace with three active children. Several years ago, an experience caused them to press the pause button and focus on making the most of each moment.
“We were in the car with our three children when Beyonce’s Single Ladies came on the radio,” said Carlos Whittaker, author of Moment Maker. “Our children started singing it and I started videoing the moment. When I realized our son was singing it, I told him, ‘You aren’t a single lady,’ at which point he bursts into tears. I apologized. I sent it to my mom because I thought it was cute and posted it on Facebook.”
Unexpectedly, the video went viral, getting millions of views. The family appeared on Good Morning America, The Today Show and The Ellen DeGeneres Show, and also received the People’s Choice Viral Video of the Year award.
When things calmed down a bit, Whittaker asked his wife why she thought the video was so popular. She said, “It is because you were authentic and showed a mistake. Most parents who make their kid cry would not post it on Facebook for the world to see.”
That moment was the catalyst for change in the Whittaker household.
“That conversation with my wife made me realize you can live your life or your life can live you,” Whittaker said. “These two statements sound similar, but they are oceans apart.
“Not too long ago, the average pace a human traveled was between three and 15 mph. Now we have rocket ships. Maybe we weren’t created to move this fast. Most of us are living life so fast we forget that what is happening right this second is important. I came to the conclusion that, instead of going with the flow, we would make the flow go with us. Instead of rushing through everything, I started trying to pause to perceive.”
Whittaker’s book, Moment Maker, is about making the most of life’s moments. The book identifies three types of moments: created, received and rescued. None of them have to be expensive or epic, just purposeful.
“A couple of years ago I created a moment with my daughter when I took her on a daddy/daughter date to Starbucks,” Whittaker said. “On the cup where they usually write your name and the type of drink you ordered, I had her write three words that described my daughter. When we sat down my daughter noticed the words and asked me what they meant, at which point I shared with her about the words. She still talks about that coffee date. ”
Received moments are those moments where pausing is the secret.
“We took our daughters to see Justin Bieber,” Whittaker said. “Right before he came on stage, one of our daughters was weeping. I looked to my wife to decipher what was going on. She said everything was fine.
“Driving home from the concert, I asked my daughter why she had been crying. She said, ‘Because I love him so much.’ My first inclination was to look at her and say, ‘You don’t love him; you don’t know the first thing about love.’ But I paused for a moment and then I said, ‘The tears that stream down your face because you love Justin Bieber…I want to tell you how the tears stream down my face when I see you at your best because I love you so much.’ The conversation shifted from why her love was right instead of why it was wrong.”
Rescued moments are the moments in which life happens. To rescue, one must open heart and hands. Without risk, there is no rescue.
Whittaker shared about sitting next to a guy on a flight to Atlanta. Despite Whittaker’s attempts at friendly conversation, the man had nothing to say. Whittaker assumed he was just rude.
Shortly before landing, the pilot informed passengers that winds were blowing at 40 mph. In order to land, they needed to be below 40 mph, but he said he was going to give it a shot. At that moment, Whittaker saw that the man was gripping the seat in front of him, tears were streaming down his face, and he was shaking.
“I realized the man was not rude. He was scared. I fought it for about five minutes, but then I made the decision to stick my hand out, barely open. Within a second, he was gripping my hand,” Whittaker said. “We landed and he was still holding my hand. We taxied to the gate and he was still holding my hand. When we got to the gate, I let go. Without saying a word, he got up and exited the plane.”
How can we intentionally leave a legacy if we are moving so fast that we miss the moments?
We each write a story as we walk through our lives. It doesn’t have to cost a lot of money or be super-creative. The smallest of things can make a huge difference in the moment for you and your family.
4 Ways You Can Model Responsibility and Accountability
Brock Allen Turner is the Stanford University student who was found guilty of sexually assaulting an unconscious woman who had been at an on-campus party in January 2015.
The story initially made the news when two graduate students riding their bikes across campus witnessed the scene unfolding and came to the woman’s aid. The two called police and held Turner at the scene until they arrived.
While the jury found Turner guilty on all counts, the judge only sentenced him to six months in jail.
The judge stated, “A prison sentence would have a severe impact on him. I think he will not be a danger to others.”
At Turner’s sentencing, the victim read him a letter describing the assault’s impact on her life. If you have not read this letter, it is worth your time to do so. It can be found here.
Adding to the troubling aspect of the crime, Turner has confessed that he was drunk. He has stated that he wants to visit college campuses to talk about the dangers of alcohol and sexual promiscuity, but what he does not want to talk about is sexual assault. In fact, in some instances, Turner is being portrayed as the victim.
How can that be? When did it become acceptable behavior to take advantage of someone who is drunk?
Parents can teach their kids to be responsible and accountable for their actions.
Turner’s father wrote a letter to the judge, requesting leniency for his son, explaining that “his son’s life has been deeply altered forever by the events of January 17th and 18th…now he barely consumes any food and eats only to exist. These verdicts have broken and shattered him and our family in so many ways. His life will never be the one that he dreamed about and worked so hard to achieve. That is a steep price to pay for 20 minutes of action out of his 20-plus years of life.”
When their children become teenagers, parents frequently tell them, “You only live once; enjoy it because it won’t ever be this way again.” What parents sometimes neglect to say is “What you do or do not do in middle school, high school and beyond can impact you for the rest of your life.”
Turner was not the victim in this situation. Two lives and two families are forever changed because of his behavior.
What happened is awful on all counts. In so many situations today, many people believe their actions have no consequences.
How can you help your child make good choices?
-
Teach teens what it means to be respectful of others my modeling responsibility and accountability.
-
Make sure they understand the definition of sexual assault. Sexual assault is any type of sexual contact or behavior that occurs without the recipient’s explicit consent.
-
Hold your child accountable for their behavior, even at an early age. They will be held accountable in the real world.
-
Your teen needs to know that “Everybody else is doing it” does not justify wrong behavior.
It’s painful to watch young people struggle to find their way. While they’re in your home, diligently teach them how to live responsibly away from your care. Young people have a mind of their own and they will make mistakes. As a parent, you can walk with them, and model responsibility and accountability without shielding them from the consequences.
Young Adults Living with Their Parents
Do you remember your young adult years? You know, the times when you ate Ramen noodles and searched for spare change beneath the couch cushions and between the car seats because you were a starving student or just starting a new job.
There is nothing like knowing you are just barely making it – but still surviving – on your own. Looking back, you may realize those hard years helped you appreciate what you now have.
The landscape looks vastly different than it did twenty years ago.
According to a 2016 Pew Research Center report, more 18- to 34-year-olds are living with their parents.
Researchers speculate this is fueled in large part by the number of people choosing to put off marriage.
If you think back to your teenage years, most teens couldn’t wait to be out on their own. Even if they didn’t have a job, they were determined to prove they could make it independently. So why are so many young adults choosing to live at home these days?
In The Many Reasons More Young Adults Are Living with their Parents, Naomi Schaefer Riley, a weekly columnist for the New York Post whose writing leans toward higher education, religion, philanthropy and culture, raises this question: Are parents doing enough to equip their children to leave the nest?
She surmises that young Americans may be living in their parent’s basement in part because they don’t have the economic or social tools to set out on their own. In a desire to protect and love their children and to shield them from experiencing potential problems in the world, parents may be unintentionally creating more obstacles for them.
This raises some important questions for parents to consider as they prepare their children to leave the nest.
-
Are you teaching your teens how to develop networks or do you encourage them to rely solely on your networks? Guiding them through the process of building their own network is a powerful step toward independence.
-
Do you allow your child to fail and learn from their mistakes? Or, do you take care of the consequences so they don’t have to experience the pain? Figuring out how to move forward in spite of failure builds confidence.
-
Does your teen understand the definition of and the value of a good work ethic? Employers constantly lament many young people’s understanding of punctuality or being respectful and motivated to do a good job.
-
Have you encouraged your teen to find a job without doing it for them? It’s important to teach your teen how to look someone in the eye and put their cellphone away. Help them learn how to dress appropriately and what questions an interviewer may ask. These things are far more helpful for your teen in the long run than if you pick up the phone and make a call for them.
Except for special circumstances such as disability, emergencies or providing care to parents, is allowing adult children to live at home really the best thing for them?
Part of launching into adulthood is learning how to navigate challenges and celebrate accomplishments. As hard as it may be, encourage them to learn the meaning of perseverance, relentless pursuit and independence.
When summer approaches many youngsters get excited and look forward to attending camps. And many middle-school kids are pleading their case for staying home alone.
But exactly how old is old enough?
Surprisingly, only three states have laws regarding a minimum age for leaving a child home alone. Basically, the parent decides if their child is mature enough to be unsupervised at home.
Many parenting experts agree that it’s not a good idea to leave a child under the age of 9 home alone.
But how do you know if your child is ready for the responsibility of staying home alone?
For starters, assess whether your child:
-
Is physically and mentally capable of caring for him/herself.
-
Obeys the rules and makes good decisions.
-
Responds well to unfamiliar or stressful situations.
-
Feels comfortable or fearful about being home alone.
When it comes to safety:
-
Is there an emergency plan and does your child know how to follow the plan?
-
Does your child know his/her full name, address and phone number?
-
Make sure your child knows where you are and how to contact you at all times.
-
Does your child know the full names and contact information of other trusted adults in case of an emergency?
If you feel confident that your child is ready, these tips can help him/her feel comfortable and confident about staying home alone:
-
Have a trial period. Leave your child home alone for short periods of time to see how they manage by themselves.
-
Role-play potential scenarios. Act out possible situations, such as how to manage unexpected visitors or deliveries and how to talk on the phone without revealing that a parent is not home.
-
Establish rules. Make sure your child understands what is permissible and what is not. Be clear about expectations concerning technology, having friends over, going other places, how late they are allowed to sleep, chores that need to be done and exactly what is allowed while you are away. For example, should they bake cookies in the oven when you are away?
-
Discuss emergencies. What constitutes an emergency in your eyes and in your child’s eyes? Would they know that an overflowing toilet is definitely an emergency? Have you established a code word to use for emergencies?
-
Check in. Have established check-in times in addition to random times that you call to make sure all is going well.
-
Talk about it. Talk with your child about staying home alone and encourage him/her to share their feelings.
Staying home alone is a big deal.
Even if you stayed home alone as a child, it is a new day and age. Your child may not be mature or confident enough to handle this type of responsibility right now. If not, look for inexpensive alternatives such as volunteering, community center programs or faith-based organization opportunities. Or perhaps a neighbor or fellow parent would be willing to help out.
Remember, although your child may seem smart, 9 is just 9, and 12 is not considered a young adult. The executive function of the brain, which is responsible for decision-making and self-control, doesn’t completely develop until the mid-20s.
While leaving your child home alone may seem like the logical and most cost-effective thing to do, preparing your child for this kind of responsibility takes time. It isn’t too soon to begin the preparation process.
