6 Steps to Help Teens Get Organized

Helping teens get organized can be quite a task. When the school requested a conference with the Goldbergs regarding one of their sons, all kinds of things ran through their mind. Late homework was probably the last thing they expected to discuss.

“After the school conference we tested him and went through all kinds of processes to make sure we had him in the right school and in the right environment to do his best work,” said Donna Goldberg, author of The Organized Student: Teaching Students Skills for Success for School and Beyond.

“We determined he was in the right place. Our son kept telling us that we didn’t need to do the testing, but we assured him we did. The following year, on his own, he made a goal to turn in all homework on time and not ask for extensions on anything. At the end of the year, he told us what his goal had been and he was very proud of himself for accomplishing it.”

Goldberg’s experience with her son led her to write the book and help students master organizational skills.

“We teach children to tell time, but we don’t teach them how to manage it,” Goldberg said. “When I started this, schools did not require work planners. Now they require planners, but few students know how to use the tool to help them accomplish their goals for the year.”

Encouraging your teen to start school with goals can help them succeed in the classroom and generally, in life. Whether they want to make the football team, turn in homework on time or be on time for school, learning how to organize is foundational to their success.

“Just because parents are organized does not mean their children will be,” Goldberg said. “In many instances, I see parents who expect their children to learn organizational skills just by watching. Just modeling a particular behavior does not ensure that teens are learning it. We have to break it down for them step by step. In that process, parents need to remember that although a certain way of doing things works for them, that same system may not work for their teen.”

Goldberg believes these six steps can help teens develop organizational skills:

  • Work to establish trust with your teen. Your don’t allow your teen to rummage through your purse or briefcase without your permission. Instead of just going through their backpack, ask them to go through it with you.
  • Recognize success, no matter how small. Just because you want your teen to get organized does not mean he’ll remember everything. Have a system in place, allow it to fall apart, and start again from where you left off.
  • Don’t bite off more than your teen can chew. Some teens can work on an entire organizational system quickly. Others need to take it slowly.
  • Remove the academic component from the equation. If the goal is to complete work on time but your teen made a terrible test grade, celebrate their progress for turning in homework on time. Discuss the grade another time. Deal with them as two separate issues.
  • Make sure everybody knows: this is a process. Organizational skills don’t just happen, and it takes practice. There will be missteps along the way. But, as you consistently work the process, teens begin to internalize the system.
  • Keep everything in perspective and be positive. Stay focused on organization and remember that great achievements don’t always show up on the report card.

“I think many parents do not understand how difficult it is to be a student today,” Goldberg said. “Teens are inundated with information from the time they get up until they go to bed. It is very difficult to be organized when you are constantly transitioning. A child who does homework while messaging and texting can’t focus because he is going from one thing to another.”

Remember that teens rarely plan to be inefficient. When a child struggles with organization, try different ways to help your child problem-solve the situation.

When push comes to shove, most teens can come up with some excellent ideas. It requires time and energy, but you are teaching valuable, lifelong skills.

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Quantity vs. Quality Time with Dad

On average, how much time do you spend with your children each week?

How much time do your children think you spend with them?

Dad, you’ve probably heard that quality time with your children, not the quantity, is what really matters. A study published in the Youth and Society Journal, however, questions that line of thinking.

The study indicates that bullying behavior increases when children perceive that their dad is not spending enough time with them.

Andre Christie-Mizell is a psychologist and associate professor of sociology at Vanderbilt University. He studied the behavior and perceptions of 687 children ages 10 to 14 and living in two-parent homes in 2000. Plus, he looked at their parents’ work hours.

He asked:

  • What is the relationship between the number of hours parents work and adolescent bullying behavior? 
  • What is the relationship between bullying behavior and youths’ perceptions of the amount of time their parents spend with them?

Interestingly, he found that the child’s perception of how much time they spent with their fathers most impacted bullying behavior. This is exactly opposite of what expected to find. Since mothers usually spend the most time caring for children, Christie-Mizell thought the mother’s time away would be the determining factor.

“The findings about fathers and mothers are important because it turns what most of us think is conventional wisdom — that mothers have the most influence on children — on its ear. This research shows that while it’s equally important for kids to spend time with both parents, fathers need to make an extra effort,” Christie-Mizell says.

He suggests setting up a schedule for parent-child interaction in order to guide children’s perceptions. For example, you could reserve Saturday mornings for daddy-daughter dates or father-son time.

Christie-Mizell says the interaction has to be purposeful and scheduled. You can’t just rely on those random, last-minute trips with Dad to the grocery store.

“Children need to know they have this scheduled time. And it’s important for fathers to try to keep to the schedule as much as possible. If fathers have to miss, then it’s also important that they explain to the child why they have to miss their scheduled time and how what they are doing instead affects their family,” Christie-Mizell says.

A University of Michigan-Ann Arbor study explored time with Dad, too. It found that American kids in two-parent, intact families spend an average of 2.5 hours a day with their fathers on weekdays and 6.2 on weekends. For about half that time, fathers are directly engaging with the kids — playing, eating, shopping, watching television with them or working together around the house. The rest of the time, dads are nearby and available if their kids need them.

Children tend to do better in every area of life when dad is active in their lives. And believe it or not, dads are better off, too.

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Dad’s Role in a Daughter’s Marriage

What is a dad’s role in his daughter’s marriage? Sometimes the closeness of a father/daughter relationship can interfere with the couple relationship.

For example, one couple was arguing over purchasing a $600 set of dishes. According to the husband, they could not afford them. As a result, the wife was furious.

When she told her father that her husband would not purchase the dishes, her dad purchased them for her. Some might say, “Why is this a problem? He was just trying help.”

But most relationship experts would say the dad crossed a line when he got in the middle of something the couple needed to figure out for themselves.

If she thinks she can run to her father and get what she wants every time there is a disagreement about spending money, two things will eventually happen:

  • The husband will grow to completely resent his father-in-law, or
  • The daughter will stop discussing these things with her husband and go straight to her father to get what she wants.

Neither of these outcomes is good for the marriage.

Couples need to openly discuss these potential pitfalls of dad’s role in his daughter’s marriage and agree ahead of time about boundaries and expectations within their marriage.

For Fathers:

While it may be difficult, it is important for you to step back emotionally once your daughter is married. Even though you enjoy doing things for her, it is better to ask yourself one question: Is if what I am about to do going to be helpful to their marriage?

If the answer is no, don’t do it. OR, ask them how they would feel about you helping. If both aren’t in agreement that it would be helpful, then don’t do it. Let them figure it out.

It’s hard to believe that any guy will ever measure up and be good enough for your daughter. If you want their marriage to be successful, however, guard against criticizing your son-in-law.

Recognize it is not your job to control things. And while she will always be your daughter, her husband comes first.

Image from Unsplash.com

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The Value of Father-Daughter Relationships

When Dad is active and involved, daughters benefit.

Beth, a 26-year-old secretary was in a particularly good mood. She was actually glowing when a friend asked if her boyfriend had proposed to her.

“Her response took me by surprise,” says Ken Canfield, author of Seven Secrets of Effective Fathers and The Heart of a Father. “She told me her father initiated a phone call to her for the first time in a very long time. I noticed she had flowers on her desk and I asked who sent her flowers.

“With a huge smile, she told me her dad sent them to her for her birthday. Beth’s response to her father’s attention made me realize something. Even grown women hunger for love, attention and affirmation from their father.”

Research from Canterbury and Vanderbilt Universities shows that from birth on, a father’s activity and presence uniquely benefits their daughters.

“Many men operate off of the premise that if they were uninvolved in their daughter’s life as she was growing up, it is too late to make a difference,” Canfield says. “Thinking that the die is cast or the deal is done because our children are grown is something we must re-examine. It simply is not true. In a parallel vein, research shows the devastating impact of divorce affects adult children deeply. Contrastingly, the continued investment in your child’s life even when they are parents of your grandchildren will reap tremendous benefits for you and them.”

Studies reveal that men tend to spend more time with their sons than they do with their daughters. In fact, fathers tend to back away from the father-daughter relationship during pre-adolescence and adolescence. However, a girl’s need for attention and affection during that time period is even more important.

“When a father abandons a relationship with his daughter, she can become frozen in time relationally with the opposite sex,” Canfield says. “A 50-year-old woman may look like an adult, but on the inside she is still working on issues that should have been attended to by a healthy, engaged father.”

Based on research, we know a few more things about these relationships. Without a healthy relationship with their father, girls will find other ways to contribute to their development when it comes to relating to men.

“When you are frozen relationally, it is difficult to know your place and how to develop a healthy relationship. It’s because you are working from a point of need instead of working out of a position of co-equal,” Canfield says. “There is a void in her life. The search to fill that void prompts her to take risks in relationships, which usually result in some really poor choices.”

According to Canfield, limitless healing and restoration can take place in father-daughter relationships. Here are Canfield’s tips:

  • Initiate communication with your adult daughter. Affirm her for the positive contributions she has made to your life or in the lives of others.
  • Consider asking for forgiveness. The three toughest things for fathers to say are: “I was wrong, I am sorry, and will you forgive me?” Use these to deepen your relationship with your daughter.
  • Ask your daughter for three ways you can support her in the coming year.
  • Ask your child’s mother (who is an adult daughter) to describe how her father influenced her most significantly.
  • Affirm your daughter’s femininity by being sensitive to her emotional highs and lows.

Cultivate an atmosphere of “no-strings-attached” love in your home. Be ready to listen to and support your children in every challenge.

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5 Holiday Tips for Divorced Parents

The holidays will be different for many children who are adjusting to their parents’ divorce. What once was, is no more. In the midst of their “new normal,” now they must learn how to deal with dividing the holidays between parents. And, it isn’t just the kids who will be experiencing stress.

Understanding is Key

“I think it is critical for newly-divorced parents to anticipate the added emotional strain the holidays can present for both themselves and their children and prepare accordingly,” says Dr. Susan Hickman, psychologist. “First and foremost, parents must remember that it is their role to provide emotional support for their children, not vice versa. Unfortunately, too many parents look to their children, rather than to other appropriate adults, for emotional support, love and/or validation.”

Rarely does everything go according to plan. Maybe one parent doesn’t pick up or return the children on time or the kids forget their favorite teddy bear. Perhaps somebody says something hurtful, resulting in a meltdown along the way.

“The likelihood of this happening is great because favorite routines that are so easily remembered have gone away and truth be told, everybody still longs for them,” Hickman says. “Nothing is as it was, and with this realization comes sadness and perhaps anger – especially during the holidays, when family time is viewed as more sacred. Understanding these sensitivities and the reasons for them is the first step in not allowing the stress to spiral out of control.”

If you want to prepare for dealing with the holidays constructively, try Hickman’s holiday tips for divorced parents:

  • Have a release valve. Identify a parent or friend in advance, someone who has a level head and who is willing to listen without attempting to fix the problem or meddle, to be on standby for you to call and blow off steam. Recognize that the overwhelming emotions of the present are not permanent.
  • Be available for your children. If it overwhelms you as a parent, imagine how overwhelming it is for children with their limited coping abilities. Children cannot reason through or understand adult decisions or actions and thus often blame themselves erroneously for parental behaviors such as divorce. If they do not have the opportunity to express their grief, anger, sadness, shame and self-blame, how will you ever tell them differently? Many emotional and behavioral problems arise because children of divorce try to cope on their own.
  • Allow children to be children, especially during the holidays. While divorce is serious and full of heavy ramifications, children still need to laugh, play, relate to others, engage in fantasy, etc. They do not understand the emotional pain of their parents, nor should they! Do not think they “don’t love you” because they don’t show empathy. Try not to expect or force them to carry this load the same way you do. One of the best gifts you can give them as a parent is the gift of childhood.
  • Give up the idea of ultimate control. Adults often believe they can change and control others, and they frequently make themselves (and others) crazy in their attempts. This is the art of parenting from a distance. Children need to see healthy coping skills and positive attitudes modeled in difficult situations toward all. This is a time to promote family involvement, not sabotage it through bitterness and the need to hurt one another.
  • Keep as many old traditions as you can, but don’t be afraid to start new ones. The old traditions provide stability, but many disappear due to divorce. Invite your children to help you create some, but be sensitive if they are sullen and reluctant to do so. This is especially important for teens.

“There will likely be some tough moments this holiday season,” Hickman says. “Don’t let this daunt your enthusiasm. Your willingness to move ahead sends the message that you can live fully, happily and hopefully despite unexpected loss. This is the real message of the season: Hope, joy and peace.”

For more insight on parenting, download “10 Tips for Blended Families.”

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A Father’s Love

Jeff Harrell worked long hours in the restaurant business when his daughter was born. Alyssa was 3 months old when Harrell realized that she clearly had no interest in being with him.

“That’s when I knew things had to change,” shares Harrell. “I did not want my child to grow up not knowing me. My wife and I decided that I would quit my job, although I didn’t have another job offer.”

While Harrell was stressed about leaving his job, he also felt a sense of relief because he believed better times were ahead. Fast forward more than 20 years, and daughters Alyssa and Emily will be the first to tell you that their relationship with their father is special.

“I think one of the big things people love about coming to our house is hanging out with my dad,” Alyssa say. “More times than I can count, guys would come over, but they weren’t really here to see me or my sister. They were looking for my dad. He is a smart person and they can talk with him. He doesn’t tell them that their mistakes are ok and he encourages them to do better. Although he isn’t their bud, they open up to him and he doesn’t judge them.”

Alyssa and Emily have a special bond with their dad, but that doesn’t mean they always agree with his rules.

“My curfew was earlier than all our friends,” Emily says. “After dances, I had to come home instead of staying out with my friends. At the time that really irritated me because it seemed like I was the only one that had all these rules. Now I’m grateful.”

Their dad instilled in them the value of living a meaningful and impactful life. He also taught them the importance of staying away from compromising situations.

“Both of our parents gave us boundaries,” Alyssa says. “I know that was a good thing. We have friends who are jealous of our relationship with our dad.”

Harrell has no regrets about making career moves to be home with his girls.

While some dads work hard and think they have earned the right to play golf on Saturday, Harrell believes he has earned the right to raise his children and that should be his main focus.

“I have one shot to get this right,” Harrell says. “You don’t get to check certain boxes about what you will and won’t do as a dad. All the boxes are already checked. I signed up for the good, the bad and the ugly.”

Here are a few things Harrell has learned about a father’s love that he wants fellow dads to remember:

  • Keep in mind your kids can either get wisdom and knowledge from you or they can get it from someone else.

  • They can either spend time with you or someone else.

  • Children can learn from suffering the consequences or seek wisdom instead.

  • Dolls, tea parties, race cars, concerts and Muppet theater are all great ways to spend your time.

  • If the relationship isn’t there before your kids leave home, it won’t be there after they leave.

“You may think your kids don’t really need you, but that’s not true,” Harrell says. “Being 100 percent involved may cost you monetarily now, but in the end it pays off in dividends you can’t buy.”

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The Teen Years Explained

One of the most important things you can do is understand adolescent brain development. 

Just say the word “adolescent” in front of parents and you will likely get varied responses. Responses range from relief from surviving those years to sheer panic from those who are approaching that developmental stage. Everyone wishes they had a survival guide. Well, several years ago, The Center for Adolescent Health at Johns Hopkins University pioneered a comprehensive resource for healthy adolescent development for parents called “The Teen Years Explained.” 

In order to write The Teen Years Explained: A Guide to Healthy Adolescent Development, the guide’s authors, Dr. Clea McNeely and Jayne Blanchard, needed to have their fingers on the current pulse of American teens.

After culling through hundreds of adolescent development and behavior studies, they came to some surprising conclusions.

“It was quite refreshing to find that in general most teenagers are developing in a very healthy way,” says McNeely. “There is no question that while the adolescent years are a time of excitement, they can also be very challenging.”

Though teens give off a lot of cues that parents are no longer relevant or necessary in their lives, McNeely encourages parents to completely ignore those.

“The two most important people in the lives of teens are their parents, whether they are present or absent,” McNeely says. “Parents must understand that their role in their teen’s life is as critical as it was when their child was a toddler. Teens want to know their parents’ values. They want to be educated by their parents, even on the toughest subjects. The parents’ big challenge is to creatively engage their teen while they learn how to function independently.”

One of the most important things you can do is understand adolescent brain development. 

“Our children are bio-chemically driven to establish independence,” McNeely states. “The problem is they are not skillful at it, nor are they ready. And they often don’t ask for independence correctly, which tends to make parents crazy.”

McNeely encourages parents to focus on life experiences that promote confidence and caring, and to build connection, competence and character. Additionally, parents need to nurture social and emotional development. 

“Expectations, curfew, family meals and household chores are still crucial regardless of what your adolescent thinks and says,” McNeely says. “The key to all of this is making it reasonable. Where there were certain non-negotiables with your toddler, there will be fewer with your teen. The goal is to teach them how to make good decisions versus making all the decisions for them. While you might have a set curfew for your 13-year-old, you might negotiate at age 16.”

Teens who tend to do well have parents who aren’t afraid to set boundaries and make the tough calls, even at the risk of hearing, “I hate you!”

“Life with a teen can be challenging. But I invite people of all ages to appreciate what a marvel it is to be an adolescent,” McNeely says. “At no other time in life, even in early childhood, do human beings develop so rapidly, in so many different ways.”

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5 Ways You Can Protect Children from Sexual Abuse

Do you know:

  • What percentage of childhood sexual abuse victims know their abuser?
  • Where might you find someone who sexually abuses children?
  • What percentage of child sexual abuse victims tell someone about the abuse?
  • What percentage of child sexual abuse reports by children are false?

Unfortunately, most people don’t want to spend time thinking about this topic. But for the sake of children, it requires your attention. About 1 in 10 children will experience sexual abuse before turning 18. And, it might surprise you to learn that about 90 percent of child sexual abuse victims know their abuser.

Perhaps you’ve been led to believe that child sexual abusers look like shady characters. If so, think again. According to Darkness to Light, a website devoted to ending child sexual abuse, those who molest children usually look and (mostly) act just like everyone else.

You can find people who sexually abuse children in families, schools, places of worship, recreation centers, youth sports leagues and any other place children gather.

And it’s important to realize that abusers can be and often are other children, although most youth sex offenders are not sexual predators and will not go on to become adult offenders.

Researchers estimate that 38 percent of child victims tell someone about their sexual abuse. Of these, 40 percent tell a close friend. This means that the vast majority of child sexual abuse victims never report it to authorities. Research suggests, however, that such disclosure rates may be increasing. And that people only falsify 4 to 8 percent of child sexual abuse reports.

Who’s most at risk?

  • Family structure is the most important risk factor in child sexual abuse. Children who live with two married biological parents are at low risk for abuse.
  • Children living without either parent are 10 times more likely to be sexual abuse victims than children who live with both biological parents.
  • Those who live with a single parent who has a live-in partner are 20 times more likely to be victimized than children living with both biological parents.
  • Females are five times more likely to experience abuse than males.
  • While there’s risk for children of all ages, children are most vulnerable to abuse between the age of 7 and 13.
  • The risk for sexual abuse is tripled for children whose parent(s) are not in the workforce.

Who are perpetrators looking for?

First, you should know that perpetrators say they look for passive, quiet, troubled, lonely children from single-parent or broken homes. Abusers frequently seek out children who are particularly trusting, working proactively to establish a relationship with them before abusing them. They might also seek to establish a trusting relationship with the victim’s family as well.

So, what are some ways to protect children from sexual abuse?

1: Learn the facts. Reading this is a great start.

2: Minimize the risk. Eliminate or reduce isolated, one-on-one situations to decrease risk for abuse.

3: Talk about it. Have open conversations with children about our bodies, sex, and boundaries.

4: Recognize the signs. Know the signs of abuse to protect children from further harm.

5: React responsibly. Understand how to respond to risky behaviors and suspicions or reports of abuse.

Everyone can take action against child sexual abuse.

Finally, if you want know more about how you can protect children from sexual abuse, visit Darkness to Light. You’ll find more resources, along with a downloadable booklet for families and communities that outlines the steps you can take.

If you suspect abuse, call 1-800-4-A-CHILD.

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