Young Adults Living with Their Parents
Do you remember your young adult years? You know, the times when you ate Ramen noodles and searched for spare change beneath the couch cushions and between the car seats because you were a starving student or just starting a new job.
There is nothing like knowing you are just barely making it – but still surviving – on your own. Looking back, you may realize those hard years helped you appreciate what you now have.
The landscape looks vastly different than it did twenty years ago.
According to a 2016 Pew Research Center report, more 18- to 34-year-olds are living with their parents.
Researchers speculate this is fueled in large part by the number of people choosing to put off marriage.
If you think back to your teenage years, most teens couldn’t wait to be out on their own. Even if they didn’t have a job, they were determined to prove they could make it independently. So why are so many young adults choosing to live at home these days?
In The Many Reasons More Young Adults Are Living with their Parents, Naomi Schaefer Riley, a weekly columnist for the New York Post whose writing leans toward higher education, religion, philanthropy and culture, raises this question: Are parents doing enough to equip their children to leave the nest?
She surmises that young Americans may be living in their parent’s basement in part because they don’t have the economic or social tools to set out on their own. In a desire to protect and love their children and to shield them from experiencing potential problems in the world, parents may be unintentionally creating more obstacles for them.
This raises some important questions for parents to consider as they prepare their children to leave the nest.
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Are you teaching your teens how to develop networks or do you encourage them to rely solely on your networks? Guiding them through the process of building their own network is a powerful step toward independence.
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Do you allow your child to fail and learn from their mistakes? Or, do you take care of the consequences so they don’t have to experience the pain? Figuring out how to move forward in spite of failure builds confidence.
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Does your teen understand the definition of and the value of a good work ethic? Employers constantly lament many young people’s understanding of punctuality or being respectful and motivated to do a good job.
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Have you encouraged your teen to find a job without doing it for them? It’s important to teach your teen how to look someone in the eye and put their cellphone away. Help them learn how to dress appropriately and what questions an interviewer may ask. These things are far more helpful for your teen in the long run than if you pick up the phone and make a call for them.
Except for special circumstances such as disability, emergencies or providing care to parents, is allowing adult children to live at home really the best thing for them?
Part of launching into adulthood is learning how to navigate challenges and celebrate accomplishments. As hard as it may be, encourage them to learn the meaning of perseverance, relentless pursuit and independence.
When summer approaches many youngsters get excited and look forward to attending camps. And many middle-school kids are pleading their case for staying home alone.
But exactly how old is old enough?
Surprisingly, only three states have laws regarding a minimum age for leaving a child home alone. Basically, the parent decides if their child is mature enough to be unsupervised at home.
Many parenting experts agree that it’s not a good idea to leave a child under the age of 9 home alone.
But how do you know if your child is ready for the responsibility of staying home alone?
For starters, assess whether your child:
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Is physically and mentally capable of caring for him/herself.
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Obeys the rules and makes good decisions.
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Responds well to unfamiliar or stressful situations.
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Feels comfortable or fearful about being home alone.
When it comes to safety:
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Is there an emergency plan and does your child know how to follow the plan?
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Does your child know his/her full name, address and phone number?
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Make sure your child knows where you are and how to contact you at all times.
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Does your child know the full names and contact information of other trusted adults in case of an emergency?
If you feel confident that your child is ready, these tips can help him/her feel comfortable and confident about staying home alone:
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Have a trial period. Leave your child home alone for short periods of time to see how they manage by themselves.
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Role-play potential scenarios. Act out possible situations, such as how to manage unexpected visitors or deliveries and how to talk on the phone without revealing that a parent is not home.
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Establish rules. Make sure your child understands what is permissible and what is not. Be clear about expectations concerning technology, having friends over, going other places, how late they are allowed to sleep, chores that need to be done and exactly what is allowed while you are away. For example, should they bake cookies in the oven when you are away?
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Discuss emergencies. What constitutes an emergency in your eyes and in your child’s eyes? Would they know that an overflowing toilet is definitely an emergency? Have you established a code word to use for emergencies?
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Check in. Have established check-in times in addition to random times that you call to make sure all is going well.
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Talk about it. Talk with your child about staying home alone and encourage him/her to share their feelings.
Staying home alone is a big deal.
Even if you stayed home alone as a child, it is a new day and age. Your child may not be mature or confident enough to handle this type of responsibility right now. If not, look for inexpensive alternatives such as volunteering, community center programs or faith-based organization opportunities. Or perhaps a neighbor or fellow parent would be willing to help out.
Remember, although your child may seem smart, 9 is just 9, and 12 is not considered a young adult. The executive function of the brain, which is responsible for decision-making and self-control, doesn’t completely develop until the mid-20s.
While leaving your child home alone may seem like the logical and most cost-effective thing to do, preparing your child for this kind of responsibility takes time. It isn’t too soon to begin the preparation process.
Summertime Family Adventures in the Tennessee Valley
The summer months offer a unique opportunity for families to escape the rat race, enjoy each other’s company and make great memories together.
Instead of business as usual and letting others determine your summer schedule, consider making your own plan – one that’s full of adventure and fun. This might sound like a pipe dream, but many families know it doesn’t have to be just wishful thinking.
Your first step to summer fun is to consider all of your options. It’s easy to take for granted what’s right outside your door when you have lived in the area for a while, but the Tennessee Valley has some real gems that are perfect for family adventures.
Here are some ideas to get your list going:
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Check out the Mayfield Dairy or Sweetwater Valley Farm if you want an easy drive.
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If your family enjoys the outdoors, your choices are endless. The Tennessee Valley has some of the most beautiful recreation areas around. You could spend the summer exploring parks in the region and probably would not be able to see them all. From Bald River Falls, Cloudland Canyon and Big South Fork to Fall Creek Falls, Chester Frost Park, Lula Lake Land Trust, Chickamauga Battlefield, Pigeon Mountain and the Smokies, whether you love the challenge of a rigorous hike or a leisurely walk, primitive camping or glamping, or just want to learn about the history of the area, there is something for every skill level and taste.
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Replace technology with bike rides, swimming, volleyball in the sand, nature walks, beautiful sunsets that are hard to see from inside your house and the opportunity to make new friends. Even if you can’t do this overnight, consider going for the day.
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Try to visit some local attractions that often get overlooked because they are right under your nose. Consider riding the carousel or playing in the fountain at Coolidge Park. Go to the zoo, attend a Lookouts game or play at the Warner Park Splash Park (Families are $5 on Mondays after 5 p.m.). Attend Nightfall or picnic at Movies in the Park at Coolidge Park in July.
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Gather with friends. Have you ever talked about getting together with someone but didn’t set a date? The next thing you know, the summer is over, and nothing ever happened. Make a plan!
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Read the same book as a family. Let your children choose a book for the whole family to read and talk about it over a family meal.
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Make a summer scrapbook. Each family member can be responsible for scrapbooking one of your summer events. Or, everyone can do their own thing for all of the summer’s activities.
Don’t be afraid to jump off the merry-go-round of life to provide restoration for your family. Spend time this summer with the people who mean the most to you because life is short. Instead of wishing you had, you’ll be glad to say you did.
Dads, Daughters and Valentine’s Day
Dad, don’t forget an important woman in your life on Valentine’s Day – your daughter.
It’s never too early for a father to establish a Valentine’s tradition to express love to his daughter. A father’s love profoundly impacts a girl, and many believe that a woman takes her relationship with her father (good or bad) to the grave.
The father/daughter relationship plays an integral role in a young girl’s life.
It can even give her the self-confidence to deal with challenging life issues. When fathers are not engaged, however, the opposite happens. Research shows the girls often struggle with abandonment issues, lack of self-esteem and feelings of unworthiness. They’re also especially vulnerable to predators.
Many women who grow up without a father will float through life, looking for someone to fill that void. Girls who grow up with absent fathers are at greater risk for experiencing problems in school, abusing drugs and alcohol and participating in risky sexual behavior. In fact, adolescent girls without fathers are twice as likely to be involved in early sexual activity – and they’re seven times more likely to get pregnant as a teen.
However, having an active father reduces the risk of early puberty, risky sexual behavior and teen pregnancy.
Additionally, strong father/daughter relationships impact a daughter’s ability to trust and relate to men in a healthy way. Daughters who have a healthy bond with their father tend to be more self-reliant and confident and less likely to develop eating disorders. They also tend to perform better in school.
The father/daughter bond is even more important when the father and daughter live in different households.
One woman recalls how special Valentine’s Day was for her as a child. She knew her father would give her a chocolate heart every year. When her father divorced her mother and left, the Valentine’s tradition ended and left her with only memories. Decades later, she still wonders why he quit giving her the Valentine heart.
Keep in mind that little things can mean a lot to daughters. Even traditions such as weekly conversations, writing notes to each other or a daddy/daughter date can strengthen that special bond.
It is important for girls without an active father to have a good, positive and strong male role model in their lives.
Think about doing something special for these young girls. Perhaps you could include them in your own family or community activities.
No matter what kind of father you are – traditional, long-distance, stepdad, grandfather, uncle or other father figure – your involvement impacts these young women. Reach out each Valentine’s Day and strengthen the bond you have with your girl.
Why Fathers Matter
Dr. Warren Farrell, psychologist and author of Father and Child Reunion, was intrigued with why children with active fathers do so well. In an attempt to better understand it, he spent more than a decade analyzing worldwide research.
“I knew when I started this research that dads were important, but I had no idea how important,” says Farrell. “We are 100 percent certain that children do better in 26 different areas when they grow up in intact families. Children clearly pay a price when their fathers walk away or mothers keep dads away.”
A father’s impact starts at birth. For example, boys who have contact with their father show greater levels of trust at only 5 or 6 months. A study of black infants found the more interaction the boy had with the father, the higher his mental competence and psychomotor function by the age of 6 months.
As children grow, fathers teach children to have empathy. Dads are usually more firm about enforcing boundaries. Teaching children to take boundaries seriously teaches them to respect the needs and rights of others.
“Fathers also play a huge role in teaching delayed gratification, the single most important highway to maturity,” Farrell says. “When children are allowed to do something without having to do anything to get there, it undermines this process.”
Children with fathers present in the home do better academically, especially in math and science. This is true even if they come from weaker schools. A study by two Harvard researchers found that even when race, education, poverty and similar socioeconomic factors are equal, living without a dad doubled a child’s chance of dropping out of school.
Another study of boys with similar backgrounds found that by the third grade, boys with present fathers scored higher on every achievement test. They also received higher grades. The more years children spend with single mothers, the fewer years of school they complete.
“When fathers are present, children have better mental health,” Farrell says. “They are more likely to get along well with other children, sleep well at night, be trusting of others, and are less likely to be aggressive or participate in risky behavior.”
The National Center for Health Statistics reports that:
- A child living with his/her divorced mother, compared to a child living with both parents, is 375 percent more likely to need professional treatment for emotional or behavioral problems;
- Ninety percent of homeless or runaway children are from fatherless homes; and
- Most gang members come from mother-only households.
“Growing up in an intact family gives children a jump-start in life,” Farrell says. “If a divorce is unavoidable, there are three absolute essentials to give children:
- Equal amounts of time spent with both parents;
- The mother and father should live close enough (no more than 15 minutes) that the child doesn’t have to give up friends or activities to see the other parent; and,
- The child is not able to overhear or detect bad-mouthing of the other parent.
If these three things happen, children tend to grow up almost as well as children in intact families.”
It’s very helpful if we understand that what dads do or don’t do really matters. Moreover, the way mothers handle it impacts their child’s life forever.
Looking for more? Check out this episode of JulieB TV on this topic!
Kids Need Their Daddy
The pressures of fatherhood are great. On any given day, balancing work and family, finances and discipline usually rank at the top of the issue list. For years, our culture has told men that being a good provider equates to being a good dad. However, research is now sending a news flash that it isn’t all about the money. Children need a father’s presence in their lives.
Many men want to be involved in their child’s life, but “being involved” can mean different things to different people.
Ask yourself, “Why do I father my children the way I do?”
So many men are really trying to be great fathers, but it can be a struggle. Sometimes it’s because nobody was there for them growing up and they aren’t sure what it means to be a good dad. A lot of men promise to be more involved with their children because their own father wasn’t involved enough. Unfortunately, they find themselves hard-pressed because they don’t know what to do. They’ve spent a lot of time talking about what they aren’t going to do – and little if any time – discussing what they are going to do. So they amble along doing the best they know how.
In an analysis of nearly 100 studies on parent-child relationships, father love (measured by children’s perceptions of paternal acceptance/rejection, affection/indifference) was as important as mother love in predicting the social, emotional, and cognitive development and functioning of children and young adults.
Specifically, the parent-child relationship studies showed that:
- Having a loving and nurturing father affected a child’s happiness, well-being, and social and academic success as much as having a loving and nurturing mother.
- If either parent withdrew love, it was equally influential in predicting a child’s emotional instability, lack of self-esteem, depression, social withdrawal and level of aggression.
- In some studies, father love was actually a better predictor than mother love for certain outcomes. This included delinquency and conduct problems, substance abuse, and overall mental health and well-being.
It’s important for men to learn how to balance providing for and nurturing their family, but many men don’t feel comfortable connecting with their children emotionally. As a result, they spend most of their waking hours away from home.
If you want to make something amazing happen for your family, you can.
Spending all your time away from them actually defeats the purpose. In many instances, your being there is better than tons of things and busy plans.
If you want to connect with your children more, these tips can help:
- Ask your children thought-provoking questions. Then listen so you can hear what they are thinking.
- Some of the best things in life are free. Walking outdoors, horseplay, tumbling on the floor, fishing, riding bikes and flying kites are totally free, great ways to connect. Many times children will not remember things you bought them, but they will remember things you have done with them.
So what’s the payoff for engaging with your kids?
The benefits are significant for both father and child. Children with an involved, loving father are significantly more likely to do well in school, have healthy self-esteem, and exhibit empathy and pro-social behavior. They’re also more likely to avoid high-risk behaviors such as drug use, truancy and criminal activity.
Even though 18 years may seem like an eternity, it’s not. Children grow up really quickly, so maximize precious moments with them.
What You Should Know About Teens and Opioids
Dr. Nita Shumaker is on a mission. When she’s not seeing pediatric patients, she’s spreading the word about the danger of opioid use and its impact on people everywhere.
“There were 64,000 deaths in the U.S. last year due to opioid use, and that number is probably underreported,” says Shumaker. “People do not realize how addictive opioids are and that it takes very little to become addicted. We have a very serious problem. It’s like a bathtub overflowing and my goal is to stop the spigot.”
According to a Live Science magazine article, a new study found that most American teenagers who abuse opioid drugs first received the drugs from a doctor. Looking at trends in prescription opioid use among U.S. adolescents from 1976 to 2015, a strong correlation exists between teens taking the drugs for medical reasons and then taking them later for “nonmedical” reasons. In the Pediatrics journal, study author and research professor at the University of Michigan, Sean McCabe, observed findings over the past two decades. He also found that most nonmedical users of prescription opioids also used them for medical reasons in the past.
“According to studies, 1 in 4 prescriptions for opioids is misused. They are not taken, given to somebody else or taken in a manner different than prescribed,” Shumaker says. “Furthermore, 1 in 10 opioid users are at very high risk since the drug hits a sweet spot because of how their brain is wired. Probably one of the most shocking statistics is that it’s not the dose of opioids, but the length of time you take them. If you take them for more than three to five days, the risk of addiction doubles. These medications have their place, but they are horribly dangerous. You may be that one person that it trips that sweet spot and it can destroy your life.”
Shumaker encourages parents to be vigilant with their teens about the opioid epidemic.
“Changes in behavior, in the friends they choose to hang around, or their grades, pay attention,” Shumaker says. “When teens are abusing drugs, their behavior may become erratic and they may become secretive. As parents and those who care about young people, we must place the highest priority on their health and wellbeing and stop being so concerned about invading their privacy.”
Shumaker strongly encourages parents to get rid of old medications – it can keep them out of the wrong hands. The FDA says you can flush opioids. You can also crush them and mix them with cat litter or coffee grounds, then throw them away. Or, you can take them to special drop-off locations in the community. Additionally, if your teen has an injury, seek out methods other than opioids to manage pain. Taking opioids is like playing Russian roulette with your child’s life.
“I don’t think people in general, much less teens, understand the magnitude of danger opioids pose to their life,” Shumaker shares. “The new Fentanyl on the streets, which is often being illegally made, is so powerful. If you touch it, you can stop breathing. Police officers are now having to wear Hazmat suits when making drug arrests.
“This is an enormous problem. Almost no one is untouched by this epidemic. It is in the best interest of our community and future generations for all of us to pay close attention to what is happening with our teens. It is vital to remember that teens’ executive function, which helps us make wise choices, is not fully formed until age 25. We need to be checking in on our teens and helping them make good decisions.”
Ways to Prepare Your Child for Kindergarten
Thousands of children will soon make the transition from preschool or home to kindergarten. Some children will look forward to this moment with great anticipation, but others may experience some anxiety about leaving familiar surroundings. Regardless of how your child is feeling, parents play a powerful role in helping make the transition a smooth one.
Timing Is Everything
Now is the time to begin emotionally preparing your child (and yourself) for this new phase in life. Your attitude makes a big difference. Even if you are struggling with the idea of your little one going off to kindergarten, your goal is to deal with your emotions appropriately and prepare your child to make the most of this rite of passage.
Tips to Help You Prepare Your Child for Kindergarten
- Visit the school where your child will be attending kindergarten.
- If your child has not been in the care of someone other than Mom and Dad, allow your child to stay with other trusted adults prior to kindergarten to help them get used to another adult being in charge.
- Plan activities with other children where your child has to learn to take turns and share.
- Point out colors and shapes at the grocery store and count apples, bananas or cereal boxes.
- Encourage active play, especially pretend play, with other children.
- Read, read, read.
- Limit TV, computer, tablet or smartphone screen time.
- Encourage independence in managing daily tasks. For example, teach your child how to tie their shoes, let them set the table, make their bed, dress themselves, etc.
- Start your school routine early to help your child adjust to the change in schedule.
Dealing with Your Emotions
If this is your first child or your youngest child headed off to kindergarten, the transition may be more emotional than expected. Guard against behaviors that might upset your child. If you are anxious about being away from your child, talk with other parents who have already experienced it. Instead of going home to an empty house on the first day of school, plan to have coffee with a supportive friend.
While it can be scary to leave your child at school, remember this: Most teachers love children dearly. They care about their social and emotional development as much as they care about their academic growth.
Helping Your Child Through the First Week
The first week can be especially hard for your child. Here are some ways to make it easier:
- Be supportive. Adjusting to school may take time. Ask, “What was the most fun thing you did in school today?” Then ask, “What was the hardest thing for you?” Only ask this after you have discussed what was fun. Don’t expect your child to tell you every detail.
- Instill a sense of confidence in your child. Celebrate your child’s successes. It takes time to adjust to new people, new activities and a new environment. Don’t expect perfection.
- Set aside a time each evening to share your child’s day. See if your child has brought home any drawings, paintings or scribbling. After a few weeks have passed and your child has gotten used to school, ask about play in the classroom, stories the teacher read, recess, etc.
- Read everything the school sends home. During the first weeks of school, children bring home a wealth of information about routines, important dates and meetings that you will need to know about. Make sure to check your child’s backpack daily.
- You may want to go over with your child — in a positive, calm way — the information you have supplied to the school on the emergency card. This includes who may pick your child up other than you, where she can go if you’re ever not home, etc.
Looking for more? Check out this episode of JulieB TV on this topic!
