Why You Need To Get Your Kids To Help Around The House
You’re probably less interested in the “why” of getting help around the house, and more interested in the “how” of it. I get it, but you need to understand the “why” first and believe it.
Taking care of yourself—physically and mentally—is incredibly important, especially right now. Stress, anxiety, fear, and plain old fatigue will all take their toll on you. That toll will impact you and the people that you care about. I see it in myself and in my own home. I feel fragile, a lot.
You know the deal. I’m at home, trying to put in a full day’s work and finish my projects, making sure school work gets done, keeping an eye on my at-risk mother-in-law, and generally holding down the fort—including keeping it clean and organized. Oh, and when my wife gets home, I try to have dinner ready and we try to do Family Movie Night or Game Night and keep all the sequestered happy. It is a daunting task, and I’ve never felt so exhausted. You feeling it too? It often feels like a lose-lose situation.
If I focus time on my kids and mother-in-law, I feel like a bad employee.
If I focus time on my work, I feel like a bad dad and son-in-law.
I can’t possibly do it all. I just feel stressed out and guilty.
When in the world am I supposed to take care of myself?
Start with the basics.
The house needs to be kept up and your kids need stuff to do.
Those dots connect themselves, but how do you do this without having another thing to do?
I got the ball rolling by laying out expectations in a family meeting.
I also sent out this text message in our family group text after days of exhaustion:
Hey Family! I know everyone is taking care of their own living areas but we need to work together on shared spaces like the kitchen, dining area, and living room. We are trying to stay afloat – Mom is working full time, I’m working full time from home, and Grandmom isn’t our maid. (Thanks for all you do, Grandmom!)“
Some Stuff That Needs Doing:
- Kitchen needs to be swept and mopped.
- Dining room & front door area swept and mopped.
- Living room vacuumed.
- Lawn mowed when it dries.
- General sanitizing wipe down.
- Help with cooking dinners.
- General cleaning up after yourself, especially in the kitchen.
There’s enough for everyone to do a little. Thanks in advance. Hope this isn’t received as snarky. Totally sending with a heart full of love for all of you. Just need help. You guys are my favorite! ❤
That was the text. I didn’t have high hopes. I figured a couple of kids (maybe) in drips and drabs would hopefully mark a few things off the list in the upcoming week. Maybe there would be a little less work for Grandmom and me.
Then something incredible happened.
My son, who is without a doubt the “lone wolf” of the whole crew, immediately came down and started sweeping the kitchen. What? Soon, everyone started popping out of their rooms and joined in. They cranked out a very thorough cleaning of everything. We even game-ified the cleaning by adding some rounds of Nintendo Wii in-between cleaning jobs. In a couple of hours, the house was spic & span – and get this – we all had time freed up to do our stuff. Even me!
I can’t call it a Christmas Miracle. It was like something out of some wholesome unrealistic sitcom or Disney Channel show. It worked. But let me be clear, I was fortunate this time. It usually doesn’t play out like that. But I learned some valuable info that day…
There is no way I can keep up with housework, school work, and work work AND have time and energy left for self-care plus some gas left in the tank to have a little quality time with my wife when she gets home from work. You can’t give what you don’t have.
And my kids can and will and need to help.
Let’s Break It Down
So how do I keep this ball rolling? If you break down my text, you might find some reasons why it was effective that might help you get your kids helping more around the house, have some structure in their day, and burn off some energy. Hopefully, this will lower your stress levels by freeing you up for working on work and remember, working on yourself.
Here’s what I did in my text to get my kids to help around the house:
- Started positively.
- Acknowledged what they were already doing.
- Was realistic and honest about our new situation.
- Listed very specific things that needed to get done.
- Gave them a choice of what they wanted to do.
- Thanked them in advance.
- Tried to preclude any misinterpretations.
- Affirmed my love for them and that family is the most important thing.
- And here is the kicker – I TOLD THEM I NEEDED HELP. (I didn’t suggest it. I didn’t imply it. And I didn’t say, “It would be nice.”)
I probably should have added a timeframe for the work to be done by. Missed that one.
We made it a challenge and made it fun. We worked together and multiplied our efforts.
Apply these principles in a way that works for your kids at their ages.
Just don’t try to do it all yourself. And don’t sweat it if it all doesn’t get done. It isn’t going anywhere. Take care of yourself.
I couldn’t figure out what it was at first. My first three days of work at home due to COVID-19 were really strong. I was sharing the house workload: cleaning, cooking, laundry, and the like. I was spending some quality time with the kids.
And then suddenly, it all changed. I was unmotivated to work. I was restless. The kids were no longer cute. They were obnoxious. Their questions were irritating and I couldn’t understand why they were so dependent on their parents, even the 4-year-old. Go figure. I went to Google and searched “stir-crazy defined” and found, “Stir-crazy: restless or frantic because of confinement, routine, etc.,” and “upset or angry because you have been prevented from going somewhere or doing something for a long time.” Yep. I was definitely stir-crazy. Looking back, I’m proud that I made it to Day Three of this work from home experiment.
I vowed to not let it get to that point again. Through a little research, common sense, and talking to colleagues I developed a strategy.
10 Ways to NOT Get Stir-Crazy:
- Recognize that everyone in the house has a limit. None of us are superhuman, though sometimes I think my wife is. Staying cooped up in the house without a real break in the midst of the current circumstances with the same people is a recipe for “stir- crazy.”
- Regularly get outside. My wife gardens. I bike alone and with my kids. Sometimes we simply sit on the porch. Others take a walk. Some of my kids throw a baseball.
- Permission to be spontaneous. Everyone in the house is granted permission to call together a spontaneous activity. Card game. Pillow fight. Dancefest. Wii 3-Point Shooting Contest (Limits may be necessary on how often and how long.)
- Build family playtime into regular schedule. If everyone knows when to look forward to scheduled playtime, then it can help everyone stay focused during the other times.
- Do something good for someone else. Check on the neighbors. Call your elderly friends and include the kids on the call. Write a family letter to someone you know that’d appreciate it.
- Schedule daily quiet, alone time. Sometimes all the noise can drive you crazy.
- Video call loved ones. Part of what makes us stir crazy with the kids is a lack of relaxed connection with the outside world. Virtual coffee dates during your mid-morning break might be in order.
- Have some empathy. If you’re trying to avoid going stir crazy, know that your children are susceptible as well. Even the most introverted of us can go stir-crazy when we feel like we are confined to one space.
- Refocus on why we are quarantined. The bigger picture is that we are trying to protect ourselves, our loved ones and our community.
- Exercise. Release those endorphins, the chemicals in your brain that can trigger positive feelings. It can help your mood.
Proactively prevent going stir-crazy by recognizing that if you don’t do anything to prevent it, then you’re inviting it. A stir-crazy parent is not a fun person to be around. When this is all said and done, I want my children to be excited to get out of the house because it’s fun and it’s natural. If I’m not proactive, my kids will scatter because Dad has gone crazy and they can’t wait to not be stuck inside with him anymore.
Are You Setting a Good Example of Self-Care for Your Family?
I fish. It’s what I do. Some have asked me what in the world draws me to stand by a pond and throw a little feathered hook in the water time and time again, often with very few results. I fish so I can de-stress.
It’s mindless (somewhat) and I can leave all the emotion, anxiety, and uncertainties behind me for just a little while. If you fish, you understand this. I can clear my head before re-entering the real world. Fishing is my self-care.
Self-Care… It’s become a popular term that’s popped up in conversations around health, mindfulness, and stress. You do self-care when you do any kind of action deliberately in order to care for your mental, physical, or emotional health. And it’s widely thought to be effective in reducing anxiety and stress.
How apropos in our current state. At perhaps no other time in recent memory has it been so important to stay healthy. Stress and anxiety are at an all-time high. People are stuck at home. Routines are turned upside down. Family members are spending way more time with each other than they are used to.
I’d say self-care is a precious commodity right about now.
I don’t know about you, but in my house, it’s easy to give our kids a schedule that includes some healthy activities. However, it’s extremely difficult for me personally to get into a routine of self-care activities. My game is so thrown off by the stress of our circumstances. And it’s sometimes a fight just to get me away from the computer screen.
But it has to happen. As parents, we’ve got to be a good example and practice self-care right now. And here’s why:
You can’t give what you don’t have.
Meaning, if you want your kids to practice self-care, you need to self-care. You’ve got to fill your tank so you have it in you to help them fill their tanks. When you self-care, you’re better able to handle feelings of anxiety, fear, uncertainty, and stress. This is important so these emotions don’t get the best of you.
Pay attention to yourself. Keep an eye on the radar of your emotional state. Take the time to do some things each day that help you deal with all the chaos that is going on.
- Go for a walk. Get some fresh air. Let the sun shine on your face for a little while.
- Meditate or pray. Sing (out loud).
- Get plenty of sleep.
- Do push-ups. Or go for a run. Or practice yoga. Anything to stretch, strengthen, and move the body.
- Eat clean. Healthier food keeps your energy up. Drink plenty of water.
- But, every few days, sneak in that Oreo. Because… stress.
- Read a book. Watch a documentary. Keep your mental game strong.
- Communicate your needs to the people that love you. Let them know when you need to be alone. And let them know when you need to be with them. Get plenty of both.
These are just a small number of suggestions for self-care. Search online for other ideas and find out what feeds your health—body and soul. And then do it. Regularly.
Of course, we don’t self-care simply for our own needs. Our families are depending on us. That’s why it’s so important that we set a good example of self-care as parents.
Your moments of self-care are the teachable moments for your kids.
As parents, every little thing we do is seen. Young eyes are watching how we handle ourselves—especially in the midst of anxiety and stress. They take their emotional cues from what they see in us. “Do as I say, not as I do” is a terrible parenting style—particularly when it comes to self-care. They need to see you handling your health in a positive way.
It’s okay for your kids to know you are anxious or fearful. But it’s so much more important that they see how you handle your anxiety and fear. When they see you taking care of yourself, you are modeling that for your children. It may sound funny, but your example of self-care leaves a legacy.
Parents, take care of yourself. For your sake, and for your kids. They’re counting on you.
Let me set the scene for you. I’m working from home, sitting at my computer trying to crank out a report and meet a deadline in an hour.
The following sequence of events happens:
- My 9-year-old son goes running down the hall and slides on the floor into the door as if he were sliding into 2nd base. (I guess he misses baseball.)
- I calmly stand up and say, “Are you crazy? Don’t do that anymore.” (50○– Nice and cool.)
- Next, my 11-year-old son breaks a glass bowl in the kitchen.
- I, truly irritated, go to the kitchen to investigate and help clean up the mess. (100○– Hot, but bearable.)
- Then my 2-year-old is yelling at my 4-year-old, “Let me have it. It’s mine. Let me have it!” as tears are flowing down his face. Of course, he gets louder and louder each time.
- I put my referee suit on and very frustratingly resolve the issue. (150○– Feels like I’m in the desert with no water.)
- And then my 13-year-old daughter innocently enough walks in and asks me to set up Zoom on the iPad so she can get on a video with her friends.
- And now, I’m ready to lose it. My very first thought, (picture blood vessels bursting out of my forehead, “Leave me the -beep- alone!” (212○– I’m at my boiling point.)
I’ve gone from calm, to irritated, to frustrated, to downright angry because no one will let me get my work done. Don’t they know the pressures that we are under right now?! Don’t they know that if I don’t get these reports completed, I could be the next one to be laid off or have his salary reduced?!
There are 2 distinct doors to choose at this moment:
- Behind Door #1: Blow up and let my 13-year-old and all the other kids have it. Check out the blog, How Your Emotions Affect Your Child to learn more about what else is potentially behind door #1.
- Behind Door #2: Take a timeout.
The timeout is an extremely useful tool that has helped me with my own children. It is so important because when I reached the boiling point, my body had literally undergone a chemical transformation as adrenaline and cortisol was now rushing to my defense. I was not capable of thinking rationally because my brain was out of balance at that moment.
The timeout becomes vital to provide an opportunity to literally calm your nerves. It can be made to be real dramatic which helps to get the focus onto the issue and off the person.
Some creative ways to take a timeout and not blow up on your kids.
Throw a flag.
(Stole this one from the NFL) When a team commits a foul. One referee throws a flag. Then all the referees huddle to discuss the foul and make sure there’s agreement on the consequences (e.g. 15 yard penalty). Play doesn’t resume until the foul was acknowledged by the referee and the consequence was administered. And then it’s on to the next play. (The referees are always calm, direct and clear when they discuss the foul that was committed and the penalty.) If one of them has committed a foul that’s about to cause you to blow up on your kids, have a makeshift flag (i.e., bandana, handkerchief, napkin, old rag) and throw it to the spot of the foul. And if your spouse is available, discuss the foul with them. Sometimes the referee picks up the flag and says that no foul was committed. Sometimes your kids didn’t do anything wrong, the stress of life just got to you. Don’t be too proud to pick up your flag and say no foul was committed.
Hit the Pause Button.
(Thank Hal Runkel, marriage and family therapist and author of ScreamFree Parenting for this one.) When we pause, everything freezes. Time stops. We don’t yet act on the next thought that comes to mind. We’re giving ourselves time for the adrenaline to settle down. Hal Runkel says, “Kids don’t want cool parents. They want parents that keep their cool.” Hitting the pause button helps you keep your cool. Make your pause button noisy. It can be a buzzer like the one that comes with board games like Taboo or a little wheezy toy. This draws attention to the fact that there is an issue that makes me want to explode and we need to deal. These are drastic times which call for drastic measures. Let your drastic measure be hitting the pause button.
Set a 90-second timer.
Use your phone, microwave timer, watch, or just count. Did you know that we only stay mad (chemically) for 90 seconds? According to Jill Bolte Taylor, brain researcher and author of A Brain Scientist’s Personal Journey, anger triggers a chemical reaction within the brain that lasts for 90 seconds. After that, we either turn our attention elsewhere or replay the story and reignite the anger. You’re about to lose your mind at the expense of your kids. You can often sense when that 90-second count starts. Stop, take a deep breath and set a timer.
Simply call a timeout.
Form a “T” with your hands and say, “Timeout.” Doesn’t get more straightforward than that.
If you start to blow up on your kids or even get a few moments into your blow-up and then catch yourself and recognize the need for a timeout (this happens to me a lot), that’s ok. All isn’t lost.
Take a timeout the moment you recognize you need it. Take it from my experience; don’t start to blow up on your kids, realize that you’re blowing up, know that you should take a timeout, but since you’ve already started, choose to keep blowing up. Don’t do that!
If you do, you’re essentially saying, “I know that I’m not thinking rationally, that my adrenaline has thrown off my thought process, and that I’m in the middle of reacting, but I’m going to stay on that path anyway.” Pride or stubbornness should not get in the way of a timeout.
The best time to come up with a plan is before you need it.
Have an age-appropriate conversation with your kids. Discuss the timeout, its purpose and implementation. Then use it.
Not only are you protecting your children and yourself, you’re also modeling self-control and teaching them how to regulate their emotions. And in the process, you’ve put yourself in a better position to get the results you really want: a family that is considerate, loving and respectful of one another. That beats fewer broken dishes any day.
Journaling/Writing Prompts for Kids
Journaling isn’t just for school. It can help your kids in a variety of personal ways that can also help you as a parent tune into your kids. Sometimes your kids will be willing to share their thoughts with you, but they will often put something into writing that they might not say to you.
Let’s be honest — even with school and everything else that’s going on, your kids probably need some constructive things to do. Journaling can fire their imagination, improve their writing skills, and cultivate self-awareness. Plus it can be fun and give you something to start a conversation! Make it part of their daily routine — maybe the first thing they do after breakfast or the last thing they do before bed.
So, take a look around the house — is there an empty composition book or notebook you can put together? Kids love their electronic devices, but I would only use them as an absolute last resort. You can make up the topics, but try to make them as open-ended as possible or add a “Why?” at the end. Of course, keep topics appropriate for your child’s age and interests. Below are a bunch of journal topic suggestions to get you thinking! But to review just a few of the benefits of journaling for your child…
Journaling can:
- Clarify their thoughts and feelings
- Help them know themselves better
- Reduce their stress
- Give you insight into how they are dealing with our current situation.
BONUS: Here’s a great resource of journaling prompts for both you and your child to practice mindfulness. If that word sounds scary or unfamiliar, mindfulness just means that you’re practicing narrowing your focus and sharpening your attention, which is obviously so helpful for children!
Elementary School
List of things that make me happy.
I wish I knew more about __________ because….
What is something that is important to my family?
When it comes to schoolwork, what has been your favorite thing you learned?
My favorite part of last week was…
Three things I’d like to talk about.
If I could rename the colors of crayons…
What is my favorite dessert and why?
Use your creativity to describe and draw a new creature or animal.
If my dog or cat could talk, it would say things like…
I was proud when I __________
Five things I’m good at are…
If a genie granted me three wishes…
What would you choose if you were in charge of the weather?
My favorite holiday is…
Middle School
What would happen if you found gold in your backyard?
If animals could talk, what questions would you like to ask them?
Who would you be if you could have been someone in history? Why?
I taught someone how to…
You can only take 3 people with you on a trip around the world, who would you take?
If you could give any gift in the world, what would you give and to whom?
The house was so quiet, but then I heard…
If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?
Let’s say you received any sum of money as a gift. What would you do with it?
Did you ever catch fireflies? Crickets? Frogs? Snakes? Why/why not?
What was your most difficult or most joyous life experience?
List one of your pet peeves and write about why it annoys you.
What is something that you appreciate about your parents? Why?
Write about a window you broke or something valuable you lost.
What would happen if it suddenly started raining spaghetti and meatballs?
High School
Describe the perfect date.
What is courage? What is the most courageous thing you have done?
Describe a hero. It can be either someone you know or simply qualities of a hero.
What is your favorite activity? Who do you do it with? Why do you think you enjoy it?
Write about a good book you’ve read recently.
What will you do differently when you’re a parent? Why?
Do you spend too much time with electronic devices? Why/why not?
What do you think should have or should NOT have been invented and why?
List one major world problem and how you think we should solve it.
Do you think that there is or ever was life on another planet?
What is the most important issue facing teens your age today?
Were you ever given a responsibility that you couldn’t handle?
Describe the best concert you ever attended.
Write about a time you tried to help and ended up making things worse.
Did you ever break an important promise?
Write about moving to another city or neighborhood or house.
Did you ever meet a famous person? Interact with them on social media?
Describe a car or bicycle accident you were in.
If you could spend a day spent in another country, which would you choose? Why?
Describe a time that you outsmarted someone.
Write about going shopping for new clothes.
Did you ever turn someone in or tell on someone and feel bad about it later?
Was there a time your parents embarrassed you?
Can you remember a time you gave someone good advice? What was it?
Letting Your Child Fail
I have always prided myself on being a good friend—the type of friend that seeks to protect those I care about from hurt, harm or danger—even self-inflicted hurt, harm, or danger. I was in no way prepared for the gigantic increase in those protective feelings when I became a MOTHER. The idea that my babies (now 21, 16 and 13) would feel even an ounce of pain or disappointment that I could not prevent was unfathomable to me.
That’s when the Mama Bear persona took over: I’m going to protect my children from everything that can harm them, and letting them fail is not an option. I was diligent with child-proofing and safety concerns.
So, I put covers in the outlets. I gave away furniture that had sharp edges and never left them alone in the tub or in their high chair. I had gates and locks on cabinets, door handles, and even the toilet seat (sometimes to my detriment.) It was my responsibility to keep them safe!
It was a long time before I knew that I was taking every responsibility onto myself. I had the pleasure of meeting Hal Runkel, a marriage and family therapist, and the words that he shared changed this Mama Bear’s life. He said, “You are responsible to your children, not for them.”
Huh, what?! Who they are is because of me, right??? That is the breeding ground for Mom Guilt. I had to make a major shift in my thinking. Yes, when they are infants and toddlers we have to be more diligent in our protections, but as they grow and develop, it’s our job to teach them how to make good decisions and wise choices for their lives.
Then, I remembered the lesson taught to me by my mother as I got older. I would ask my mother if I could go do something. Her response was, “Gena, I don’t want you to, but if you feel like you have to, go ahead.” Another, huh, what?! moment. I was asking for a clear yes or no answer. What she introduced into my life was natural and logical consequences—the old If/Then Theorem. If I go to the movies and behave well, good for me. If I go to the movies and act like an idiot, well, then I suffer the consequences. That changed my parenting life and the life of my boys. I realized letting my children fail sometimes was part of being a caring mom.
The first time I remember allowing a natural and logical consequence for my son was on a 3rd grade field trip. In K-2, I would check his backpack and agenda for things to sign. In order to support the teachers, we were asked to give our children a little more independence and responsibility. So, it was his responsibility to bring his agenda and field trip forms. I knew about the trip and reminded him to get me to sign the form. He did not get me to sign the form and consequently, he did not attend that field trip. Was that fun for me to see my child disappointed? No, but I had to teach him that there are rewards and consequences in life.
My son is now a junior in high school, preparing to make the decision on where to spend his college days. I hope by teaching him that he owns the responsibility for his actions and decisions EMPOWERS him to grow and protect HIS name and reputation and chart HIS own course for the future.
Are you in Mama Bear Mode? Are you keeping your child safe, or keeping your child from developing personal responsibility and being prepared for their future? Letting your child fail may be one of the best things you can do for them.
6 Ways Your Child Will Know You Love Them
How can you be sure your child will know that you love them? When I was 6, I was shopping with my mom when my eyes landed on what I thought was very cool Christmas tape. I told my mom I needed that tape. She said no. So, I took matters into my own hands… and slipped two tape rolls into my jacket pocket.
When we got home, I went straight to my room and started playing with the tape. It didn’t take long for Mom to notice the silence. I vividly remember her knocking on the door and asking me what I was doing. At that moment sheer panic set in because I knew I would be in trouble. I tried to take up as much of the tape as possible before she actually opened the door.
She walked in the room, saw the tape and asked me where I got it, knowing full well where it came from. She didn’t say much more, except these words: “Get in the car.” I knew for sure I was in big trouble. I thought maybe she was taking me to the police station, but we actually returned to the store. We walked in and she asked for the manager.
She asked me to tell him what I had done. Through tears I explained that I thought the tape was beautiful and when my mom wouldn’t buy it for me, I just took it. I told him I knew it was wrong and apologized. My mom paid him for the tape and then I paid my mom back for the tape with my measly allowance over a period of weeks.
Back then I thought my mom was the meanest mom on the planet, but I have never forgotten that day.
Fast forward to middle school when I “knew” how smart I was. I wanted to decide for myself when to go to bed, how long I talked on the phone, what chores I would or would not do. They didn’t buy it, not for one second. Again, I knew I had the most unloving parents on the planet, because if they really loved me they would let me do what I wanted to do.
What I didn’t know then, but know now, is they really were loving me.
If you have raised children or you are in the midst of raising children, you know that they will challenge you at every turn – especially the strong-willed ones. You will hear things come out of their mouths you thought you would never hear:
“I hate you.”
“You’re a terrible excuse for a parent.”
“Who died and made you the boss?”
“Why do you have to make my life so miserable?”
“Why couldn’t I be so and so’s child? They really know how to parent.”
Those words can be painful and cause you to question your parenting skills and whether or not you really are loving them well. But how do your children really know that you love them? Maybe a better question is, what do children need from their parents in order to thrive?
First, children need routines, rituals, consistency and structure.
We aren’t talking boot camp, but we are talking about a routine that children can count on – consistent rules and structure in which they can safely operate.
Kids also need loving accountability.
I 100% knew I was going to be in trouble when my mom found out I took that tape because telling the truth and not taking things that don’t belong to us had been drilled into my head for as long as I could remember, but that didn’t stop me from doing the wrong thing. Holding me accountable, standing with me as I told the manager what I had done, and requiring me to pay her back were actually all ways of loving me. She didn’t remind me of my transgression throughout my life. In fact, I really don’t remember her bringing it up again, but I assure you, I have never stolen another thing. It was a safe place to make mistakes and to learn and grow.
Additionally, your child needs you to have the right perspective and know that you are steady.
With age, children typically become smarter than their parents, or so they believe. There is an age and stage where you could say the sky is blue and they would tell you it’s not. They know how to navigate the latest and greatest technology and they’re growing like crazy. If you didn’t know their age, you would swear some of them were much older. As parents, remembering exactly how old they are and no matter how smart they seem, recognizing that they only know what a 12 or 14-year-old would know helps you keep perspective and stay the course as the parent.
Many tweens, when left to their own devices (literally), would play video games all night, eat whatever whenever, forget studying and blame everybody else as their life is falling apart.
My point is this: They don’t know what they don’t know.
It really isn’t their job to like us at this point. They are in the process of figuring out how to do life, but they aren’t quite mature enough to do it on their own. Being the parent that doesn’t get incredibly emotional, yet is steady, consistent and supportive during this maturation process is powerful and loving.
In all of these things, holding your child accountable and requiring them to be responsible for their actions is sometimes one of the most painful ways you show love. For them, it doesn’t usually feel very loving in the moment or even after the moment. Sometimes it even takes years for them to realize how loving and painful it was for you as the parent.
As a parent, you hurt when your child hurts. But ultimately you know that letting them experience what it looks and feels like to be held accountable and take responsibility ultimately builds their self-confidence and helps them learn for the future when they are navigating life on their own.
Keep them safe.
When your toddler wants to put their finger in an electrical socket and they throw a huge tantrum when you move them away, it wouldn’t matter how much they cried and carried on, you would be confident in your efforts to keep them safe. As they get older, they throw tantrums in different ways and sometimes we become less confident in our parenting skills and we may wonder whether or not we are loving them well.
One of the best things you can do to make sure your child knows you love them is not to look to them for affirmation that you are loving them well, because it may not seem that way to them. Know this: The parenting journey is full of adventure and sometimes insecurity. Find some people who are ahead of you on the journey who can encourage you and support you in the good and challenging times.
Last, but definitely not least, tell your child you love them. When things are going great, when things are hard, when they are least lovable or when all they want to do is sit in your lap, tell them you love them.
For more parenting resources, click here.
Is the Nuclear Family a Problem?
In the March issue of The Atlantic, David Brooks writes a provocative and compelling article about family. He thinks the nuclear family is a huge problem.
He summarizes the changes in family structure over the past century here: “We’ve made life freer for individuals and more unstable for families. We’ve made life better for adults but worse for children. We’ve moved from big, interconnected, and extended families, which helped protect the most vulnerable people in society from the shocks of life to smaller detached nuclear families (a married couple and their children), which give the most privileged people in society room to maximize their talents and expand their options. The shift from bigger and interconnected extended families to smaller and detached nuclear families ultimately led to a familiar system that liberates the rich and ravages the working class and the poor.”
Brooks lists many cons of the nuclear family. Among those are:
- The absence of extended family to function as a safety net during challenges
- The socializing force of having extended family close by
- Lack of resilience
On the surface, one might say that he is onto something. And he may well be. But is the nuclear family really the problem? Or is there something else at play?
Scott Stanley, a research professor at the University of Denver, questions whether the nuclear family is the real villain.
“Disconnection and isolation are his real targets,” writes Stanley. “To me, the nuclear family seems like a passenger along for the ride in a car leaving the scene of the crimes Brooks describes—when the car is driven by us. By us, I mean most of us, motivated for our desires for autonomy and freedom.” He continues, “A lot of the problems we see may be caused by what most people want—even if those things also have downsides for individuals and society.”
In another response, Kay Hymowitz and William E. Simon, Manhattan Institute Fellow, examined the past and found that scholars agree that the nuclear family household has been the “dominant form” in Western Europe and the U.S. since the industrial era. The anomaly was the extended family, not the nuclear family.
“As demographics changed, the dominant family form did not,” writes Hymowitz. “Rising life expectancy and falling fertility starting in the latter half of the 19th century meant more surviving grandparents available for smaller numbers of couple households. But the share of households with extended families stayed more or less the same. It seems that people preferred the privacy and independence of the nuclear form – despite all its disadvantages.”
Bottom line: Brooks seems to be espousing that for children and adults to really thrive, we need to bring back the extended family – related or not.
Brooks suggests plenty of examples of those who have moved from nuclear families to forged families. He gave Common, a real estate development company, as an example. Common operates more than 25 co-housing communities where young singles can live in separate sleeping spaces with shared communal areas.
But… does this really address the problem Brooks’ narrative highlights – disconnection and isolation?
Nothing legally binding keeps the people in these communities from coming and going. People move for various reasons – job transitions, marriage, divorce, etc., so it doesn’t seem to address the root problem.
In general, human beings are relational by nature and thrive on connectedness. Whatever our family form looks like, how do we create an intentional community in a society with a strong bent toward isolation?
Regardless of your situation, you can deliberately and persistently build a support system around you to create the safety net extended families might fill. Communities of faith often help to fill this void. Neighbors can also help create a safety net. Still, one has to be willing to establish and maintain relationships with those around them. School and work present opportunities for connection and networking to build your community, too.
Perhaps you’re fortunate enough to have vast social capital, but chances are pretty great that others around you don’t. As a part of a larger community, we all have some responsibility to help others connect and help people thrive.
For more family resources, click here.
