,

The Why and How Behind Adult Children Cutting Off Their Parents

Have you ever wondered why some adult children become distant from their parents? It’s a big issue, affecting 40% of adult children in the United States, according to a study by Cornell University. Surprisingly, it’s often the adult children who choose to end communication.

Digging into this issue, David Brooks, a respected writer for The New York Times, conducted research. He found that parenting styles change over time. What might seem normal to one generation might not feel right to the next. This shift is a major reason why families grow apart.

Karl Pillemer, another researcher from Cornell, explored this topic in his book Fault Lines. He discovered that adult children often point to things like strict rules, favoritism, divorce, and strained communication as reasons for the rift. However, parents may remember things differently, thinking everything was fine and blaming their children for exaggerating.

But don’t worry if you find yourself in this situation, there’s still hope. Whether you’re an adult child who feels their parents fell short or a parent who tried their best, you can mend things if you both want to.

Here are five steps you both adult children and their parents can take to improve the situation:

  1. Communicate Openly: Before discussing feelings, ensure everyone listens without interruption or judgment. It’s crucial to create a safe space where everyone can express themselves using “I” statements to avoid blaming.
  2. Apologize Sincerely: Both parents and adult children should apologize for any mistakes. Parents must genuinely express remorse, even if they didn’t intend to cause harm. Adult children should try to understand their parents’ perspectives.
  3. Forgive and Let Go: Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting, but it involves releasing negative feelings. Both parties need to forgive and ask for forgiveness to move forward.
  4. Rebuild Trust and Set Boundaries: Trust takes time to rebuild. Establish clear rules for how to treat each other, respecting personal space and feelings.
  5. Foster Empathy and Understanding: Recognize that everyone has their own perspective. Even if you were a good parent, your adult child might still choose to distance themselves. It’s crucial to listen and understand each other’s viewpoints.

If we don’t try to understand, more families might drift apart. Let’s focus on listening, apologizing, and rebuilding relationships to keep families close.

/2 Comments/by

The Impact of Parents Arguing in Front of Kids

My husband and I had a little argument last week. It wasn’t a big deal, just one of those everyday disagreements. But you know what? Our four-year-old reacted in a surprising way.

He saw us arguing and got upset. So upset, in fact, that he pretended to punch my husband. When we asked him what was going on he said, “You two fighting makes me angry, and I want to fight. I choose Mom’s side. Attack Dad!” While I was slightly honored that he chose to defend me, it got me thinking about how our arguments affect our kids.

Experts have talked about this for a long time. They say that when parents argue in front of their kids, it can make the kids internalize the conflict.

A study done by the Journal of Family Psychology followed over 200 families for ten years. Guess what they found?

Kids who saw their parents argue a lot were more likely to experience anxiety, depression, and behavioral issues later in life. And it didn’t matter if the arguments got resolved or not. What mattered was how often and how intensely the parents argued.

Arguing at home can even make it hard for kids to do well in school. There was another study in the Journal of Child Development that found kids who hear their parents argue a lot have trouble paying attention in school. The stress caused by conflict between parents can make it harder for children to focus, absorb information, and give their full effort.

Here’s another thing: kids learn from their parents.

If parents yell or call names when they argue, their kids are likely to do the same. That’s what this famous psychologist called Dr. John Gottman says. He calls it “the conflict blueprint.” Basically, kids copy what they see their parents doing.

But it’s not all bad news. Parents can do things to make it better. First off, they need to realize that their arguments affect their kids. So, it’s important to try to solve arguments without shouting or fighting. Sometimes, talking to a professional can help, like going to therapy or taking parenting or marriage classes.

Making home a safe and happy place can help kids feel more secure. Spending time together as a family, talking openly, and making sure kids know they’re loved can all help. And if you think your arguments have already hurt your kids, it’s okay to talk to them about it. When a child feels tension between parents, they’ll internalize their emotions and often blame themselves. This is normal for children and should encourage parents to reach out to them with curiosity and reassure them of the love and safety in the family. 

As parents, we are role models for our kids. So, it’s important to be kind and respectful, even when we disagree. By doing that, we can help our kids grow up happy and healthy.

/0 Comments/by
,

Effective Grandparents Practice Quality Over Quantity

My grandmother passed away last week. She was 85, and her health had been slowly declining for a few years. But it didn’t make the news any easier to hear when she passed.

When I was growing up, my grandmother and I spent a lot of time together.

Some of the time was regularly scheduled, as she cared for me a few days a week while my parents worked. But the majority of the time we spent together was prompted by me. I loved being with her. We played, shopped, watched movies, and talked about life for hours. She made me feel seen, heard, and cared for. Nurturing was her superpower.

I know I’m lucky to have lived within 15 minutes of my grandparents for most of my life, which provided ample opportunities to see and spend time with them.

But research shows quality time between grandparents and their grandchildren matters more than quantity.

A longitudinal study recently published in The Journal of Family Issues found that grandparent relationship quality, but not grandparent contact, was linked to multiple late adolescent outcomes, such as mental health and relationship skills. The study also found positive associations between a high-quality grandparent relationship and their grandchild(ren)’s self-worth and perceived competence in close friendships throughout their life.

In other words, grandparents can influence their grandchildren for a lifetime.

However, their influence is built through the depth of their presence rather than frequency. Similar to research on family dynamics within a household, the relationship between married grandparents also bears weight on grandchildren. A healthy, kind, and connected relationship between grandma/grandpa creates a stable environment for a child to establish a sense of belonging and confidence within their family.

What does quality time between grandparents and grandchildren look like? Here are four things to consider.

1: Stay connected with Mom and Dad first.

Parents are (and should be) the gatekeeper to their children. If grandparents do not have a solid relationship with their own son/daughter or son/daughter-in-law, it will be difficult to create a firm foundation with their grandchildren. Also, when grandparents are spending time with their grandchildren, they must follow the rules, boundaries, and cadence of Mom and Dad. This will build trust between the whole family.

2: Let the grandchildren have a voice.

It can be easy for grandparents to have expectations about what their grandchildren should do or how they should act, but it’s more important to connect with them than to control them. Grandparents should ask questions and invest in what their grandchildren are already interested in, rather than trying to sway them in a certain direction out of self-interest or a desire to pass down a specific hobby or pastime.

3: Make the family legacy known, but only when it matters.

Grandparents can certainly share stories and insights about great-grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, but it’s important to do so in a way that expresses family values and connection, not drama, apathy, or disdain. Children are more confident and feel supported when they know they are part of something bigger than themselves, especially when that “something bigger” is positive and life-giving. If those examples don’t exist, grandparents can consider waiting until the child is developmentally prepared to discuss some of the lessons learned from past generations.

4: Do communicate between time spent together.

While quality matters more than quantity, sending a card, making a phone call, or scheduling a quick Facetime between visits will help everyone stay connected and cared for. Grandchildren need to know that their grandparents are still there for them even when they’re not physically present.

I spent the night with my grandmother well into my late twenties, before my son was born, and before she moved into an assisted living facility. She wasn’t perfect, and she knew that, but she was wholly present and interested in our lives. I’m grateful for her, as I know all grandchildren are for caring, loving grandparents.

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First. Contact her at [email protected].

Photo by Ekaterina Shakharova on Unsplash

/0 Comments/by
,

Screen Time, Childhood, and Our Future

As my oldest child approaches his fifth birthday, I find myself reflecting on the challenges of raising kids in today’s world. From the moment he was born, I’ve been mindful of how much time he spends in front of screens. It’s not easy in a world where screens are everywhere – TVs at grandma’s, FaceTime calls, and tempting shows that say they’re educational for young kids. But as they grow, so does their exposure and draw to screen time.

Sometimes, I notice that too much screen time leaves him feeling frazzled and hard to soothe. It’s not just my child – studies show that too much screen time can have long-term effects on kids. Social psychologist Jonathan Haidt recently wrote about this in The Atlantic, highlighting how excessive screen time is linked to mental health issues, substance abuse, loneliness, and poor school performance. These problems can stick with kids as they grow up, affecting their careers, families, and society as a whole.

“As the oldest members of Gen Z reach their late 20s, their troubles are carrying over into adulthood,” says Haidt. “And if a generation is doing poorly––if it is more anxious and depressed and is starting families, careers, and important companies at a substantially lower rate than previous generations––then the sociological and economic consequences will be profound for the entire society.”

So, what’s changed in recent years? Smartphones. They’re not the sole culprit, but they’ve played a big role. Alongside smartphones, constant news updates and social media have reshaped childhood. Parents today feel more pressure to keep their kids safe, which often means more screen time indoors. It’s a shift from the days when kids roamed freely outside.

Surveys show that many parents turn to screens because they’re convenient and seem safer than letting kids play unsupervised. But this shift has happened fast, and we’re only just starting to understand its impact. As Haidt puts it, we’ve traded real-world risks for virtual ones that might be even more harmful.

So, what can we do to turn things around with screen time? Haidt offers some suggestions:

  • Limit personal devices: Hold off on buying smartphones and other personal gadgets for kids, especially before puberty.
  • Delay social media: Wait until kids are 16 before letting them dive into social media, where the pressure to perform can take a toll on their mental health.
  • Enforce phone-free zones: Schools should crack down on phone use during class, creating a better environment for learning.
  • Foster independence: Encourage kids to take on responsibilities and make decisions on their own, building confidence and preparing them for adulthood.

While screens themselves aren’t evil, they can lead to problems when overused. It’s time for us to recognize the risks and take steps to protect our kids’ futures.

/0 Comments/by

Parents Should Have Hard Conversations With Young Children

“Momma, when you die and I don’t have a Momma anymore, can I go live with Nana and Poppy?” my four-year-old asked nonchalantly last Saturday.

“Well, if anything happens to me and your dad, you can certainly live with Nana and Poppy. What made you ask that question, bug?” I said blindsided.

“People die. And, I know you’re gonna die and live with Jesus. So. I just want to have someone to live with, too,” he responded. Then, he ran outside and started digging in the dirt with his dump trucks.

I was in shock from the conversation. What was going on in his little mind? Where did that question come from?

My husband reminded me that our son has attended four funerals in his short four years of life– three great grandmothers and a great aunt. That’s a lot of death to unpack. I also learned he overheard a conversation about the tragic shootings and deaths of 3 adults and 3 children at the Covenant School in Nashville a few weeks ago.

As a parent, I want to protect my son at all costs.

I want to keep him from having to deal with the hard, unfair and cruel injustices of this world. But, the truth is, avoiding difficult conversations and shielding him in an effort to preserve his innocence does more harm than good in the long run.

The American Psychological Association (APA) released a statement earlier this year encouraging parents to have hard conversations with young children: 

“Taking a proactive stance and discussing difficult events and topics in age-appropriate language can help a child feel safer and more secure. If adults don’t talk to them about it, a child may overestimate what is wrong or misunderstand adults’ silence. So, be the first to bring up the difficult topic. When parents tackle difficult conversations, they let their children know that they are available and supportive.”

While this statement is empowering, sitting down and having these conversations can be stressful. How do you define age appropriate language? What if you don’t have all the answers to the questions they ask?

Here are a few things to remember when these hard conversations happen:

1: If you can, practice ahead of time.

When a tragic event occurs, try to be the person your child hears it from first. Decide what you’re going to share, how you’re going to share it, and most importantly, when the best time is to have the conversation.

2: Timing is everything.

Choose a quiet place to sit with your child one-on-one and look them in the eyes. Avoid having hard conversations when you’re busy making dinner or when your child is playing. The conversation at hand should be the center of both your attention.

3: Ask them what they already know.

“There was a shooting at a school. What do you know about this?” And then listen, listen, and listen more.

4: Tell them how you feel.

Sharing your emotions with your child allows them to create a deeper connection with you. It’s also a great opportunity to model behavior and emotional regulation for them.

5: Stick to the facts and avoid details.

Tell them the outline of what happened. There’s no need to share gory details or show gruesome graphics. 

As a parent, the greatest thing you can do for your child is build a deep connection with them. No matter how hard we try, we can’t control them or the world around them. Having hard conversations when they’re young allows them to see you as a safe, wise and trusted source for a lifetime.

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First and can be contacted at [email protected].

Photo by Jonas Kakaroto on Unsplash

/0 Comments/by

Beyond Reading: A New Way to Increase a Toddler’s Vocabulary 

A recent study is changing the game for parents of young children. Reading has long been hailed as the number one way to increase a toddler and preschooler’s vocabulary and language skills and set the stage for academic success, social interactions, and life in general. But, there’s a new tactic rising to the top of the list: reminiscing through “parent talk.”

What is “parent talk?”

Parent talk is the chit-chat adults often use to engage with little ones. Researchers from Florida Atlantic University, in collaboration with Aarhus University in Denmark, have been following the effects of parent talk in the lives of young children around the world for decades. 

The study compared three language-learning scenarios: reminiscing through the use of parent talk, book sharing (with wordless picture books), and the classic toy play with LEGO bricks. They observed Danish parents and their 3- to 5-year-olds during these activities and analyzed the details of the conversations. The results showed reminiscing is more effective at producing high-quality speech and language from parents. In fact, it scored as high if not slightly higher than reading, particularly when it comes to wordless picture books. They found that both reminiscing and reading books beat toy play in interactive quality.  

This research provides a new suggestion: take the time to walk down memory lane with your toddler and preschooler.

Flip through the mental photo album of past adventures, family history, and shared family moments. Pictures and photo albums can also be used as a tool, but just sharing stories and memories of family time provides a common language and a sense of belonging for the child. This boosts their confidence while simultaneously exposing them to new and more detailed language forms.

One more interesting find in the study: researchers saw no real difference between mom and dad engaging with parent talk. In Denmark, both parents’ engagement tactics and time spent reminiscing with their children produced similar results.

Of course, there is one caveat to this finding.

Reminiscing isn’t a magic wand that erases educational and societal gaps. The study acknowledges that the biggest impact on the quality of reminiscing through parent talk is the activity itself. This fact won’t level the playing field entirely. Parents with a higher education still tend to use more sophisticated language, which needs to be acknowledged.

The biggest takeaway from the study? Whatever parents are doing with their children, the more they talk and engage with them through language, the more robust and well-developed their child’s vocabulary will be. Adding family memories and building connections through family history will boost a child’s confidence and their desire to engage and develop language skills long-term.

/0 Comments/by
,

Quality Time with Grandparents Matters Most

My grandmother passed away last week. She was 85, and her health had been slowly declining for a few years. But it didn’t make the news any easier to hear when she passed.

When I was growing up, I spent a lot of time with my grandma. Sometimes it was because my parents were working and she took care of me. But most of the time, I wanted to be with her. We did fun things together like playing games, shopping, watching movies, and talking about life. She always made me feel special and loved. Nurturing was her superpower.

I know I was lucky to live close to my grandparents. We lived only 15 minutes away, so I got to see them a lot. But studies show that what matters most is the quality of time with grandparents, not just how often you see each other.

A recent study found that having a good relationship with grandparents, where you feel close and cared for, can make a big difference in how you feel as you get older. It can even affect things like how you feel about yourself and how well you get along with friends.

So, it’s not about seeing your grandparents every day, but about having a strong connection with them when you do see them. Just like how it’s important for parents to have a good relationship, it’s important for grandparents too. And when grandparents and parents get along, it helps everyone feel happy and safe.

Here are four things grandparents can do to make their time with grandchildren special:

  1. Talk to the parents first: Grandparents need to have a good relationship with their own children first. That way, they can all work together to make sure everyone feels happy and safe. And when grandparents spend time with their grandkids, they should follow the rules set by the parents.
  2. Listen to the grandkids: Instead of telling grandkids what to do, grandparents should listen to them and be interested in what they like. It’s more important to connect with them than to control them.
  3. Share family stories: Grandparents can tell their grandkids about their family history, but they should focus on the good stuff. It helps kids feel proud and connected to their family. And if those positive examples aren’t there, be sure to wait until the child is ready to understand the lessons learned from past generations.
  4. Keep in touch: Even when they’re not together, grandparents can stay connected with their grandkids by sending cards, making phone calls, or video chatting. It shows that they care and are always there for them.

I spent the night with my grandmother well into my late twenties, before my son was born, and before she moved into an assisted living facility. She wasn’t perfect, and she knew that, but she always made me feel loved and cared for. I’m really grateful for her, and I know other grandkids feel the same about their grandparents.

/0 Comments/by

What to Do About Perfectionism in Parenting

The first time my four-year-old son wrote his name at pre-school, I faced a parenting moment I didn’t expect. When I arrived for pick-up, he ran down the hall yelling, “Mom! I wrote my name! Mom! I wrote my name! You’re going to love it!”

I scooped him up as he shared his most treasured accomplishment with me. That’s when I realized my sweet, bright baby boy had written his name with what appeared to be scribbles on the page. “It’s wonderful! Can you tell me what the letters are?” I asked him, hoping he could clarify a bit. Of course, he clearly stated each letter with a giant smile. “See, Momma! I can read and write!”

I almost corrected him because it wasn’t perfect, but I stopped myself. This moment showed me how easy it is sometimes to focus too much on making things perfect, even in parenting. This isn’t just something I struggle with; many parents feel the same. We all want our kids to do well and be happy, but sometimes we might push them too hard to be perfect.

Research shows that when parents put a lot of pressure on their kids to be perfect, it can make them stressed and scared of making mistakes. This can make it hard for kids and parents to feel close and understand each other.

So, how can we help our kids grow without making them worry about being perfect? It’s important to cheer them on for trying and putting in effort, not just for getting things right. This helps kids see challenges as chances to learn and grow, instead of just tests they have to pass.

Here are some phrases you can use to encourage kids in their efforts, not just achievements:

  • “You should be so proud of yourself for _____.”
  • “Thank you for _____. Because you did that, it’s going to make a difference when we _____.”
  • “I’m proud of you for not giving up and to keep trying! ____ can be really tricky to get right. I know you’ll get the hang of it soon.”
  • “I’ve seen how much effort you’ve been putting into ____. What have you learned along the way?”
  • “I love the way you helped ____. I could see the way ____ appreciated it! Doesn’t it feel great to help others?”
  • “What you’re going through is hard right now. But you can do hard things. What can I do to help support you through this?”

It’s also good for us parents to show that we’re not perfect either. When we talk about our own mistakes and show that it’s okay to mess up sometimes, it teaches our kids to be kind to themselves when things don’t go as planned.

My son’s attempt at writing his name was a small thing, but it reminded me to appreciate his effort and all the little steps he took to get there. By doing this, we can help our kids feel confident and supported as they try new things.

Let’s try to be open about our struggles with wanting everything to be perfect. This way, we can create a space where our kids feel brave enough to try, make mistakes, and learn from them. Here’s to raising kids who are curious, confident, and not afraid to take on new challenges.

/0 Comments/by