Help! We Just Had a Baby and Now We Can’t Stop Fighting
Having a new baby is amazing. And amazingly exhausting. You can always tell which parents have a newborn. They’re excited, but you can see the stress in their eyes. We’ve been there. When our son was born, he rocked our world. At times, we were so stressed and tired that the slightest frustration triggered an argument. And arguments, when you’re both exhausted, are dangerous. Here’s a secret, though: After having a baby, many couples can’t stop fighting. It’s not just you. All new parents experience high levels of stress and frustration.
Those first few months are filled with sleepless nights, hectic schedules, and disrupted routines. Not to mention you’re both figuring out how to balance work, family, chores, and grandparents. It’s no surprise that new parents experience high levels of stress. And high levels of stress often lead to arguments. But it doesn’t have to be this way. Parenting isn’t stress-free (sorry to burst that bubble), but you can reduce stress and manage it.
How can you lessen the stress (and fight less) after having a baby?
Communicate often.
It’s common for new parents to feel like they aren’t communicating with each other. Communication doesn’t have to be complex at this stage. Make sure to take a few minutes each day and talk to each other. Talk about your needs, emotions, struggles, and listen to each other.
Don’t assume.
Assuming is dangerous, and it leads to frustration. But it’s so easy when you are both tired. Talk to each other, ask questions, and voice any concerns.
Apologize when you see you made a mistake.
If you’re in the wrong, own it. We all make mistakes, especially when we’re tired.
Don’t play the blame game.
When you both are stressed and arguing over something, don’t fall into the blame game. Own your mistakes, voice your concerns, but don’t turn it into a contest of who has made the most mistakes.
When things get heated, take a break.
Sometimes the healthiest thing to do is walk away from an argument. You don’t want to say something that will cause far more damage in the long term.
- Address the issue at hand. Solve one problem at a time.
Tackle whatever the problem is that led to the fighting and come to an agreed-upon solution.
How do you reconnect?
Be intentional about talking for at least 5 minutes a day.
Schedules are hectic when a newborn is in the picture. It’s easy for time with your spouse to take a backseat. Set aside time to talk and reconnect.
Give at least two compliments or expressions of gratitude every day. You look great today. Thanks for taking care of ______. I appreciate all your help with ________.
Expressing gratitude improves your physical health, reduces aggression, and increases your mental strength.
Be intentional about connecting with your spouse.
In the first few months of parenting, newborns own your schedule. But you can still connect with your spouse. When your baby is napping, it may be more important to sit and talk to each other than clean the kitchen.
Keep your marriage at the forefront of your relationship.
John Medina, a molecular biologist and author, was once asked, “How do I get my child into Harvard?” His answer, “Go home, love your spouse well and create a stable environment for your child.” One of the greatest gifts you can give your child is a healthy, stable (not perfect) home.
If you just had a baby and you can’t stop fighting, remember that parenting is tough, but it’s fantastic. These last eight years as a parent have been some of the best moments of my life. You and your spouse can have a strong, healthy marriage, even if you fight from time to time. Put your marriage first and provide the best possible home for your child you can.
Other helpful blogs:
Is It Good To Fight In Marriage?
10 Rules To “Fight Nice” With Your Spouse
Help! We fight about money all the time…
Seven Things Your Toddler Wishes You Knew (Plus a Bonus)
Parenting toddlers* can test your courage as a parent, adult, and otherwise mannerly person. As the parent of 5 retired toddlers, a current toddler, and an aspiring toddler, I’ve been tested quite a bit, and I’ve struggled. But, as billions of parents and I have learned, toddlers somehow make it to preschool age, sometimes despite their parents, which is comforting to know. In order to make it past that toddler stage, current and future parents of toddlers might want to know a few things.
Here are seven things your toddler wishes you knew:
1. I like screens, but I like you more.
Screens are colorful and lively. They move and make funny noises. What’s not to like? Programmers are good at designing screens to make me happy, but they can’t make me happy like you can. I’d prefer you and the screens together. In fact, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) says it’s best to look at screens with me so you can help me understand what I’m seeing. Believe it or not, I’d pick you over the screens any day.
2. I like being with you, but one day I’ll wish you had given me unstructured playtime without you and the screens.
The AAP says that toddlers need unstructured time alone. Entertaining myself with blocks, dollhouses, and funny gadgets helps me grow and develop. Sometimes I need you to show me how and then step back. I’ll be better for it.
3. Emotionally and mentally, I’m a toddler.
I may talk a lot and say clever things, but I don’t know the language or possess wisdom like you do. When I yell “No!” 40 times, throw a tantrum, or act jealous when you hold another kid, remember, I’m a toddler. I may even spew out hurtful phrases like, “I hate you.” “I wish you weren’t my parent.” “You’re ugly.”
Hear me. I’m frustrated. I’m experiencing these crazy emotions. I have no idea how to get what I want. As a baby, all I had to do was cry. Now I have words, but I don’t know how to use the millions of words out there to express myself. So it’s “by any means necessary” until you teach me and hold me accountable. Even then, it may take some time.
It’s not OK for me to say hurtful things, but it’s a normal part of my development. Please help me to learn the right boundaries and show me some empathy. When you try to help me understand instead of getting equally frustrated, it teaches me how to express my emotions. You may not be able to stop the tantrums, but I need you to teach me through them.
4. I know I’m cute... But I still need boundaries
Please don’t let me use my cuteness to control the house. Boundaries are necessary for me. It isn’t cute when I hit someone, talk disrespectfully, and abuse my siblings or their things. I may not be able to speak well, but I can understand what you’re saying. Please don’t let me get in the habit of using my cuteness to hurt others.”
5. I know I just said I’m a toddler. I’m also a person, and I have something to give.
The quicker you give me things I can do to help the family, the less likely I’ll feel entitled. I can help you take spoons out of the dishwasher, pick up toys, and take clothes out of dryers. All this stuff has to be done, and I can do it. That way, you can do the stuff that only adults can do. Everybody wins. I don’t want you to do everything for me, only what you have to do. I can understand more than most adults think I can. Harvard researchers say that having responsibilities will help me be a more caring person.
6. Stability and consistency help me settle into this world.
I’m seeing so many new things, and I don’t know how to act sometimes. Predictability at home helps me not be anxious all the time. You may not realize it, but the routines of eating dinner together and talking about the good and bad in my life, reading a book to me at night, or just knowing you’ll hug me when I’m hurt helps build trust and security.
7. I don’t need a perfect parent. I need a present parent.
You’re gonna make some mistakes with me. Who wouldn’t? I’m a lot to handle. Just because I yell out a cuss word at church that I heard you say when you were upset doesn’t mean I’ll grow up and be unruly. Not everything I do is about you. And even if it were, who cares what everyone else thinks? I’m not worried about what other parents say about their kids on social media. That’s their life. They aren’t telling the whole story anyway.
I think the world of you. Even when I test the limits and yell something crazy, you’re the one I want to roll with, mistakes and all. Please don’t be scared — it’s harder to ruin my life than you think.
Bonus: I love you.
You don’t have to prove that you love me; I know you do. That’s why I keep looking back to see if you’re there when I’m testing my independence.
Your presence, consistency, and care mean more to me than your perfection, knowledge, and skill as a parent. If I say you’re mean, remember, I’m 3. What do I know? My world centers around me. I’m closer to being an infant than I am to having a fully developed mind. The tests we go through together will make us stronger. Just stick with me, and don’t stop showing me the right way. I’ll grow, develop, and mature in due time.
*The CDC considers toddlers to be ages 1-3. Ages 4 & 5 are considered preschoolers.
Note: This message is veteran-tested and toddler approved.
Other helpful blogs:
How a Parent’s Emotions Can Affect Their Child
How to Help Children Handle Their Emotions
6 Fun Ways to Strengthen Your Relationship with Your Toddler
5 Ways Kids Can Affect Your Marriage (& What to Do About It)
Me: “Ok, what’s on the calendar this week?”
My wife: “We have two baseball games. I have to work late Tuesday. You have a PTA meeting Wednesday morning. Our friends invited us to dinner on Friday.”
Me: “Ok, I have four runs scheduled. I forgot I have a dentist’s appointment on Tuesday afternoon. I’ll move that so I can pick up the kids. Oh yeah, don’t forget we have a tournament this weekend.”
We look at each other. “Do you remember life before kids? What happened?”
Does this conversation sound familiar?
Being a parent is amazing, but it’s tough. Life changes with kids, and each stage of parenting brings new challenges. There’s a lot to balance.
Let’s be real: kids affect your marriage. Here are a few common ways and what to do about it:
1. Self-care often takes a backseat for parents.
Self-care, what’s that? Both of my elementary-age kids have schedules, activities, homework, projects, and social lives. (Wait, when did their social lives replace mine?) It can be hard to carve out alone time, but you need it, and so does your marriage.
So, what can I do about it? Schedule self-care just like you schedule everything else. Don’t just wait for time to run, go to the gym, do yoga, or whatever activity you prefer. Make sure your partner schedules it, too. You’re a team, and team members need to be healthy (mentally, physically, and emotionally) for the relationship to be healthy.
2. You may disagree about parenting styles.
My wife doesn’t parent as I do, and it’s frustrating at times. Ever been there? It happens. We all enter marriage with a belief system about how to parent, and it’s often based on how we were parented. Couples talk about if they want to have kids, how many, and when. But they don’t talk about how to parent. And that can lead to frustration.
So, what can I do about it? It starts with communication. If you aren’t on the same page about parenting, talk about it and try to come to a resolution. Express what you both believe and why. Don’t accuse; instead, work toward compromise. If you both want what’s best for your child, you’ll find a solution together.
3. Date night can get put on the back burner.
Dating is crucial to a healthy marriage, and kids can affect your ability to do that. Before kids, there may have been elaborate date nights, expensive dinners, flowers, and gifts. Now, you don’t feel like there’s time to think about dating. And what do you do with the kids? You don’t have the time to not have a date night, because they keep you connected and pursuing each other. Date nights just may look different.
So, what can I do about it? Set realistic expectations. Date nights may not be what they once were, but they can be memorable. Prioritize date nights and put them on the calendar. Try once a month and then progress to once every other week. Dream big: Make your goal once a week. Your marriage (and your kids) will thank you.
4. Your sex life may change.
Early on in parenting, your sex life often takes a backseat because babies make life interesting. But you’d expect it to bounce back once you’re past the toddler years. For many, it does, but it isn’t always consistent. And kids always find a way to interrupt. Sex can become just another item on the to-do list, and that’s no fun. Being intimate with your partner is a worthwhile priority for your marriage.
So, what can I do about it? If you don’t want to sacrifice physical intimacy due to exhaustion, busyness, or stress, schedule sex. Yep, have an honest conversation about your sex life. Agree on how often and when. Plan how to handle potential interruptions. Scheduled sex may seem boring, but it creates anticipation and excitement.
5. Marriage satisfaction may decrease…
Kids and all the issues I mentioned above can affect your marriage by adding stress to your marriage. When stress mounts in your relationship, satisfaction decreases. You’re not alone in feeling this way. Research published in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that many parents with kids experience reduced satisfaction, too.
So, what can I do about it? Here are a few ideas:
- Have social support—parents, friends, family, and neighbors. Get help when you need it.
- Practice self-care. Make sure you’re getting sleep, eating well, exercising, and pursuing hobbies.
- Find and maintain balance. Balance work with play, your needs with your kids’ and partner’s needs, and time.
- Focus on your mindset—practice gratitude and positivity. Have fun and be patient.
Yes, being a parent is challenging, but it’s so rewarding. Enjoy it, make memories, and don’t sweat the small stuff. Be intentional about having a healthy marriage, because it’s the best thing for you and your kids.
Other helpful blogs and resources:
Are You Setting a Good Example of Self-Care for Your Family?
My Spouse and I Disagree About Parenting
Grieving the Death of a Child
First of all, I’m truly sorry. If you’ve lost a child, my heart goes out to you. I hope these words will bring some kind of comfort or hope as you’re grieving the death of your child.
It’s hard enough to try and understand death and grief. But when it comes to your own child passing away… things make no sense. It’s the loss that should never have happened.
You might feel unnameable, indescribable pain, numbness, and shock right now. No words seem to do it justice. And I want you to know that you’re not alone in having this no-named feeling.
Many — perhaps too many — know what it is to lose a child. And yet, no two people grieve the same way. Nobody quite feels the loss like you because no one has lost exactly what you have lost. Grief isn’t as cut and dried as some might think. There is no “normal” way to grieve, and there’s no rhyme nor reason to when or how you feel, how intense the feelings are, or how long feelings last.
Here’s my point: Give yourself permission and grace to grieve at your own pace. Don’t beat yourself up for what’s going on inside you, for waking another day to pain that still hasn’t gone away. For forgetting everyday little things because the shock is still setting in. Or for the tears that show up at the most unexpected moments.
I know, you’re not ok… but it’s ok to feel these things as you grieve the death of your child.
Grief is necessary. This may sound insensitive, but please know that I don’t mean it that way at all.
What I do mean is, the process of grief serves a purpose. It’s a hard, painful process, no doubt about it. Your brain, emotions, and body are trying to bring about some sort of sense, balance, and equilibrium when a huge part of your life has been taken away from you. And weirdly enough, the pain is part of the healing. It all feels like chaos, bottomless sadness, loss of control, and possibly even hope. Over time, the grief process helps you work through your heavy loss while trying to back into the function of life, however that may look.
I’d love to tell you to trust the process of grieving the death of a child. I know when I’ve lost someone, the last thing I’ve wanted to do was trust anything that looked hopeful. And I can’t imagine how that feels for you at the moment. Maybe in those very few, short lucid moments, notice where that process is taking you.
When you’re in the middle of it, grief seems like it will never go away, and there’s some truth to that.
Over time, the intense emotions should dampen. But working through the loss of your child will be with you for as long as you live. That’s because your child will always be a part of who you are; death does not erase the fact that you are still their parent. At some point, life will return to some kind of order, but the memories of your child and your love for them will always be alive.
Let me try to encourage you with this: in working through the painful process of grief, you do have some control. Control may be the last thing you feel like you have right now. You might be asking, How can I control not breaking down? The physical pain I feel in my chest, my head, my limbs? My inability to sleep? My utter loss of motivation to want to do anything anymore?
These kinds of responses are often out of your control. But with every day that goes by, you can take a small step forward.
It may start with stepping out of the house. Maybe taking a short walk. Allowing yourself to experience moments of laughter or pleasure. Or even reaching out when you need someone to be there. My encouragement is to take short steps each day.
The grief you’re feeling can’t be put into words, and it certainly can’t be contained in the confines of this short article. But please, hang in there. Your loss is tremendous, and your life is forever changed. You will be forever changed. Give yourself grace to feel what you feel, and reach out for the help you need. You will get through this.
Other helpful blogs:
6 Things You Need to Know About Grief
How to Help Your Child Deal With Grief
8 Things Every Parent Needs to Know About Empty Nest Syndrome
We’re halfway through May, and that means graduation season. Students are graduating from high school and college and starting a new chapter in their lives. New opportunities are on the horizon. But as the students begin a new chapter, so do many parents. A graduating student means the nest is emptying or possibly empty.
It’s common for parents to struggle as kids leave. As parents, we often give most of our time, energy, and attention to our children. We believe we have limited time with our children, so they become our focus. But once they graduate and leave the house, your focus is gone, and it’s just you and your spouse. If you haven’t focused on each other, you may feel lost during this time. Empty nest syndrome kicks in.
What is empty nest syndrome?
Empty nest syndrome is the wash of emotions that affects parents when their children have grown up and left home to attend college, military, or work in another state. The emotions range from sadness to extreme grief, anxiety, and identity issues.
Each parent reacts differently, though. Some may experience joy and excitement for their child. Others may feel as if they have no purpose going forward. So, how can a parent address empty nest syndrome? And how can you come alongside your spouse to help them out if they’re struggling?
1. Plan for it.
Graduation is coming. After your child has solidified their next steps, plan for how you will handle the following season. If you need support, plan an outing with friends to talk about how you feel. Remember, the goal of parenting is for your child to grow up and successfully leave home.
2. Find ways to occupy your time.
Maybe it’s time for a new hobby. If you’ve put off starting something new because you didn’t have time, the time has arrived. Give gardening or carpentry a try, take up golf, or join a book club.
3. Reconnect with your spouse.
If your relationship hasn’t been in the center of your family, it’s time for it to take its place there. Our kids’ activities can take the attention away from our marriage. Now is the perfect time to schedule some weekly date nights or a weekend getaway. Be intentional about reconnecting with your partner.
4. Stay connected with your child.
Even though your child has moved off, it doesn’t mean you can’t have a great relationship. Send them care packages with their favorite snacks. Talk, text, or FaceTime. Set realistic expectations, though. Your child is starting a new chapter in their life, and they may not want to talk to Mom or Dad every day.
5. Support your spouse in trying new things.
Maybe even try it with them.
6. Acknowledge your spouse’s feelings.
Just because you may not feel the same doesn’t mean their feelings aren’t valid.
7. Do something to make your spouse feel special.
8. If necessary, encourage your spouse to seek help.
Every parent experiences an empty nest at some point, but you don’t have to do this new season in your life alone. Talk to your spouse about empty nest syndrome. Reach out to friends and family who have already experienced the empty nest. Connect with other parents whose kids are attending the same school. Surround yourself with a community that cares for you and will walk with you during this time.
Other helpful blogs:
Keys to Avoiding Empty Nest Divorce
8 Ways to Celebrate the Empty Nest
How to Parent a Strong-Willed Child
My wife and I are blessed with two strong-willed children. I don’t say blessed lightly or sarcastically. While parenting strong-willed kids is challenging (Parenting, in general, is challenging, am I right?), I’m excited for what the future holds.
So, what makes a child strong-willed anyway?
Don’t all kids strive for independence and push boundaries? Don’t all kids test how far they can push their parents to get what they want? Yes, this is a normal part of childhood. All kids test boundaries to see how far they can go. It’s how they discover safety and security. Strong-willed kids just exhibit these traits more consistently. This doesn’t mean they are “bad kids.” They’re just determined to do things their way.
Strong-willed kids are passionate and courageous. They’re natural-born leaders. They desire to learn on their own terms, questioning what they’re told. They test limits, want to be in charge, prize independence, and live life with the gas pedal to the floor.
As parents of strong-willed children, we have to balance parenting without breaking their will. I want my children to be successful, independent adults who care about and positively influence others. My job is to help prepare them for that future and to give them the environment to grow into who they’re meant to be.
Here are 5 ways to strengthen your relationship with your strong-willed child:
1. Help them learn through experience.
Strong-willed kids want to learn on their own terms, not just from our experiences. They want to experience it for themselves. Let your child explore what they like. Let them push beyond what they think they can do. Encourage them along the way. With two strong-willed kids, I’ve learned that failure isn’t the end. It’s just a stepping stone to understanding what works.
2. Offer explanations as to why.
My daughter’s teacher looked at us the other day and said, “I’ve realized I can’t just tell your daughter not to go beyond the playground fence. I have to tell her the fence is there to keep her from getting hit by a car.” Saying “Because I said so” doesn’t suffice for a strong-willed child. They want answers and reasons. Knowing this, you can offer an explanation before they ever ask why. Slowing down and explaining the why behind decisions can help you avoid power struggles.
3. Stick to your word.
It’s crucial to do what you say you’ll do. My son may forget much of what we tell him, but he never forgets what we say we’ll do. To be honest, we’ve become wise with our choice of words. We don’t offer too many specifics because we aren’t the type of people who stick to specifics. We are more free-spirited when it comes to plans. He’s not. He wants the details, and he will hold you to those details. And if I don’t do what I said I would do, he’s crushed. To help your strong-willed child, be sure to follow through on what you say. If something derails your plans, explain what happened and how you can handle it together.
4. Offer choices.
Remember, strong-willed kids desire to be in control. This means when we want something done, and we only offer one choice, they’ll push back. It’s their nature. They aren’t necessarily being defiant. So, the best thing to do is present two choices. If cleaning their room feels like a power struggle, present some options. You can clean your room now, or you can play for 30 minutes and then clean your room. Either way, the room must be cleaned. They can choose the timeframe. When possible, offer your child choices so they have a say in the decision-making process.
5. Listen to them.
Strong-willed kids have desires, thoughts, and knowledge they want to share. You, as the parent, may well know best, but they have opinions and beliefs they feel strongly about. Ask your child for their input. Get their views on a family decision. Including their ideas and opinions in family discussions makes them feel valued and heard.
Parenting a strong-willed child may require constant adjustment. Take the time to learn about your child’s needs. You have the opportunity to help your strong-willed child grow into the natural-born leader that they are.
Other helpful blogs:
I Feel Like I’m In A Constant Power Struggle With My Child!
6 Ways Your Child Will Know You Love Them
My Kids Are Driving Me Crazy: 30 Tips to Stay Sane
Mom, Here Are 5 Reasons Why You Should Be Celebrated
Parenting is difficult. Being a mother is especially difficult. Mothers often take or are given the responsibility for the success and/or failure of their children. So, mothers may feel disingenuous being celebrated. Mother’s Day, in particular, brings along its own set of expectations for moms.
For some moms, Mother’s Day is a day to celebrate “perfect moms” who do it all right, all the time. The struggle comes when a mom believes she is the only one who seems to not be perfect. In her mind, she focuses on what she isn’t doing, hasn’t done, or can’t do.
When it comes to celebrating motherhood, perfection is not the standard.
Here are some reasons why you, as a mom, should be celebrated.
1. You are doing a valuable job.
Many people think for something to be valuable, it has to be worth something tangible, like money. However, you can’t place a price tag on being a mother. Motherhood is priceless. Throughout the years of motherhood, there’s a plethora of roles and responsibilities. Yet, the main goal is to raise your child to become an independent, responsible ADULT.
2. Being a mother is hard work.
I am the mother of 3 sons. One day, my middle son asked me, “Is it hard being a mom?” I thought for a minute. My answer to him was, “Yes, it’s hard, but what’s really hard is being 3 different moms at the same time.”
I explained to him that I have to be Mom for each of them. How I discipline, communicate, and interact is different for each one. Recognizing that I have to mother (parent) them as individuals, not as a group, takes time, energy, effort, and focus.
3. You are the mother your children need.
As mothers, we worry about making sure that our children have what they need. Or are we concerned about what they want? We don’t want them to feel like they don’t have what all their friends have, from shoes and clothes to gaming systems and vacations. What our children need from us includes our time, love, attention, affection, presence, and guidance.
4. You have endured.
Whether your children are toddlers, teens, or adults you have made it to this point. You may have survived things like sleepless nights, cranky babies, temperamental teens, tantrums, and many, many other things. You’ve made it past showerless days and puke-scented clothing. There is value in looking back and naming what you and your child(ren) have survived in your parenting journey. If you are honest, there could have been times you didn’t think you would make it.
You are not alone.
We’ve all had moments of fear, anxiety, frustrations, and anger. That doesn’t make you a bad mom. You are just a mom who is trying to “keep it in the road.”
Remember, perfection isn’t the standard.
If you survive, you have won.
5. You DESERVE it.
Moms can be some of the worst at accepting praise and celebration. We struggle with thinking that we don’t need to be rewarded or celebrated for what moms are supposed to do. Or the other thought process is that we don’t deserve to be celebrated.
I had a friend lovingly confront me with this question: “Would you rather be tolerated by your family or celebrated by your family?”
Please, please, please allow your friends and family to appreciate you.
You definitely DESERVE it.
Other helpful blogs:
6 Things You Can Do to Help a Child Who Is Grieving the Death of a Parent
Death is often a difficult topic to discuss. It’s even more challenging to consider how you can help a child through the death of a parent. No matter what age, the death of a parent shifts your foundation. Therefore, it’s even more critical to find ways to support and help a child grieving the death of a parent.
Parents provide safety and security for their children. After a parent dies, the child’s needs may vary according to their age, maturity, and personality. There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to grief. These children have unique needs that should be met.
Here are 6 things you can do to help a child who is grieving the death of a parent:
1. Be aware of your own grief and emotions.
It’s not easy to help a child through grief if you don’t acknowledge and work through your own. Grief is the process through which you deal with a loss. In this case, a friend or loved one died and left a child or children behind. Recognizing this allows you to process your grief so you don’t unintentionally make this loss only about you.
2. Be careful how you communicate with the child.
Because people tend to be uncomfortable talking about death, they often use well-intentioned phrases that do more harm than good. Sayings like:
“They are in a better place.”
“They just went to sleep.”
“One day, you will get over this.”
While you may mean well, think carefully about saying something just to say something. You may even need to listen more than you talk.
3. Be prepared for the child to express a variety of behaviors.
Children can display so many emotions after their parent dies, including fear, sadness, or anger. They may experience separation anxiety when away from the surviving parent or caregivers. Additionally, they may experience the following regressive behaviors, including using baby talk, bedwetting, or waking in the middle of the night. Stomachaches may become common complaints. Eating habits may change also. It’s essential to be aware of the frequency and intensity of any behavioral changes.
4. Be age-appropriately honest with them.
Children often have questions after the death of a parent. How did it happen? Is it gonna happen to you? Is it gonna happen to them? First, talk with their surviving parent to find out what they shared with the child. That can prepare you to answer questions within the framework they’ve established. Honesty is vital. Your honest answers help rebuild trust and security. In your desire to help, consistency and reliability are essential, too. You want to under-promise and over-deliver rather than over-promise and underdeliver. Do everything you can to follow through with what you say you will do.
5. Be award that grief is an ongoing process.
Many people come around in the immediate aftermath. However, the kids will need you for the long haul. The hard truth is that a child never gets over the death of a parent or stops grieving their loss, though the experience of grief may morph over time. Kids may seem to bounce back from the loss. As a result, we want to believe that children are resilient and won’t be affected long-term. As comforting as this might sound, unfortunately, it’s not true. The intensity may lessen over time, but the parent they lost won’t be there for life milestones (i.e., Birthdays, Holidays, Proms, Graduations, Weddings).
6. Be proactive in helping the child find ways to remember their parent.
Some people think that remembering a parent who died causes children pain. Attempting to minimize the pain, people often decide to remove photos or rarely mention or discuss the parent. On the contrary, remembering helps with the grieving process. Memories give a child a picture of who their parent was, what they liked, and how they lived.
Losing a parent can be one of the most challenging things a child (or even an adult) can experience. The adults in the child’s life are essential to help them grieve in a healthy way. As you journey with them, be a listening ear, a safe place to land, and a consistent presence in their lives.
Other helpful resources:
