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How to Turn Conflict into Connection

Conflict is necessary and unavoidable in relationships. In fact, many couples argue over not only topics and scenarios but the different ways in which they handle conflict.

There are four major ways in which we respond to threats. These responses often present themselves during conflict: fight, flight, fawn, or freeze. The fight response is the most aggressive– it’s when an individual fights back against a perceived threat. The flight response causes an individual to flee the threat. For some, this looks like leaving the room or hanging up the phone. The fawn response is when a person becomes indebted to the threat, allowing weakness and desperation to wash over them. They often agree to do anything and everything to avoid the threat. The freeze response looks like a complete shutdown in order to avoid the threat. Picture a possum in danger; they “play dead.” 

What is “the threat” in each of these scenarios? During conflict in a romantic relationship, the ultimate threat is disconnection. The threat of disconnection often creates a fear of abandonment, being unaccepted or undesired, unheard or misunderstood. 

Psychotherapist Esther Perel says the conflict in our adult relationships often looks like the same type of fighting we witnessed or were involved with in our families as children. She invites couples to look at conflict from the outside in. 

“Take a look at fighting as if you’re standing on a balcony looking down on conflict between you and your partner,” says Perel. “ It’s less obvious to see the underlying dimensions of conflict, but it’s often not about the actual fight, it’s about the emotion behind the conflict. It’s about what we’re longing to receive.”

So, what happens when you and your spouse are arguing about something and one of you is heated, ready to fight right then and there (also known as fight response) while the other one is in complete shutdown (also known as freeze)?

First of all, it’s important to note that both of you are feeling the threat of disconnection. You’re responding in ways that you learned and developed through your childhood. Neither one of you is wrong or right in how you respond, it’s just the way you’re wired. Secondly, Esther Perel suggests there are a few perspectives you can put into place for these arguments to look different in the future. Perel says these shifts will guide your responses towards connection during conflict in the future.

View conflict as an opportunity for growth.

Arguing can be a gateway to deeper understanding and intimacy. It can also reveal underlying issues and unmet needs, providing a chance for couples to grow together. Couples who see conflict as an opportunity for growth and learning tend to have more resilient relationships. Viewing conflict in this way encourages a proactive approach to resolving issues.

Balance autonomy and togetherness in your relationship.

Conflicts often arise from the tension between these two needs. Addressing this tension can lead to a healthier, more dynamic relationship. Successful couples manage to balance their individual identities with their partnership. This balance prevents codependency and promotes a more fulfilling relationship.

Focus on using your emotional intelligence and empathy in managing conflict.

Understanding and validating each other’s emotions can transform conflicts into opportunities for connection. Emotional intelligence, which includes skills like empathy, self-awareness, and emotional regulation, is strongly linked to relationship satisfaction. Empathy, in particular, helps partners feel understood and valued.

Next time you and your significant other find yourselves in a heated disagreement, remember to think about the motivation behind both of your responses–you’re protecting yourselves from the threat of disconnection. Take a look at your argument from a “balcony” perspective. Be curious about your underlying emotions and what you’re longing to receive. Understanding and utilizing this will turn your conflict into connection and deepen your relationship over time.

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Are Soulmates Real?

Lots of people believe in the idea of soulmates. You might have seen it in movies or read about it in fairy tales. But is it true? Recent surveys asked around 15,000 adults in the United States about this. Surprisingly, 60% of them said yes, they believe everyone has a soulmate. But is this belief actually helpful when it comes to real relationships?

While the idea of a soulmate is deeply a part of our modern dating culture, relationship experts caution against falling into the trap of what they term the “soulmate model of marriage.”

Some experts say no. They warn against what they call the “soulmate model of marriage.” This idea suggests that everyone has a special person destined to be with them forever. But believing this can lead to problems in relationships. For example, if you think you’re meant to be with someone, you might not try as hard to make the relationship work. And if things get tough, you might give up too easily, thinking you’re not really soulmates.

A recent study involving 615 couples in the United States and Canada looked into this idea. It found that what really makes a relationship last isn’t just fate or strong feelings. Instead, it’s things like being a good person, having faith, and working hard to make the relationship strong.

So, instead of focusing on finding your soulmate, experts suggest these five things to build a healthy relationship:

  • Don’t treat relationships like shopping: Relationships are not something you get and give; they require investment and commitment.
  • Be realistic: Understand that love grows over time through shared experiences and mutual efforts.
  • Understand love: Recognize that lasting love is built on intentional actions, not just emotions.
  • Date well: Prioritize shared values, equal partnership, and effective communication during the dating phase.
  • Learn from breakups: Learn from past experiences without losing hope for future connections.

Remember, soulmates aren’t just found, they’re made. When people actively choose each other, work on their relationship together, and stay loyal, they build a strong connection. So instead of waiting for fate to bring you together, focus on being a good partner and building a strong relationship.

While the idea of finding your soulmate might sound nice, having a healthy, stable relationship is even better.

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How and Why Intimate Relationships Affect Mental Health: What the Research Says

“I think my spouse is depressed. How do I support them?”

“I’m single and depressed. Will I ever find love?”

“My relationship is unhealthy and it’s taking a toll. What should I do?”

These are just a few of the questions we hear regularly at First Things First about mental health concerns and intimate relationships. Which leads us to ask an even bigger question– how and why do intimate relationships affect mental health?

In 2021, the research journal Social Science and Medicine | Population Health published a study to examine the association between relationship status and mental well-being at four different life stages. Researchers tracked and followed up with the same cohort of men and women over 30 years.

In summary, compared to marriage, being single or divorced/widowed was associated with depressive symptoms at every age in men. For women, being single – but not divorced/widowed – was associated with depressive symptoms. 

Among men, being single or divorced/widowed was also associated with lower self-esteem at ages 32, 42, and 52. In women, an association was found between lower self-esteem and being single at age 32 only. 

Several sound theories about the positive effects of intimate relationships on mental health can be made from this and correlated studies with similar results and findings. Here are a few researcher’s suggestions: 

Simultaneously, several studies have revealed the negative effects unhealthy or insecure intimate relationships can have on individuals’ mental health. Here are a few findings from cumulative studies:

Frequently, research backs up what we already know from common sense. As human beings, we have a deep desire for connection and secure, intimate relationships. We are more likely to thrive when this need is met. When this need is unmet or is met inadequately, we suffer in all areas of our lives. Our mental health is a large part of the equation. It can’t be ignored.

May this be a catalyst to focus on positive mental health practices and healthy relationship practices for yourself and the one you care about the most. 

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Technoference In Relationships

Our world is filled with technological devices and relationships. With technology always (or nearly always) with us, we can be more productive and fill in the gaps in our day. Isn’t that a good thing? Maybe.

Let’s look at how technology impacts your relationship with your significant other. Remember: Technology is a tool. It can be used positively or negatively.

Technology Gaps

Let’s look at those “gaps” technology often fills up. There are many opportunities in the day for “small talk” that isn’t small at all. These may not be times when you’re doing heavy relationship work. But these moments build “connective tissue” that can strengthen your relationship. (If you can put technology in its place.)

  • When you wake up.
  • Car rides.
  • Meals.
  • Leisure time.
  • Before you fall asleep.

Those may look like ordinary parts of your daily routine, but they are chances to connect. They’re also opportunities for technology to steal your attention. “Technoference” describes when technology interrupts face-to-face interaction.

Interruptions and Distractions

Technoference affects most couples in some way. Consider these findings from a recent survey of married/partnered women by the University of Pennsylvania. The women surveyed indicated that the following distractions and interruptions happened daily.

  • 62% said technology interferes with their leisure time together. 
  • 40% said their partner gets distracted by the TV during a conversation. 
  • 35% said their partner will pull out his phone if he receives a notification, even if they are in the middle of a conversation.
  • 33% said their partner checks his phone during mealtimes together.
  • 25% said their partner texts other people during the couple’s face-to-face conversations.

The goal isn’t to assign blame. The goal is to be actively present with the love of your life. Technology isn’t the problem. Technology presents a wealth of opportunities to do positive relationship things. 

Have A Talk

The only reliable way to measure the technoference in your relationship is to talk with your spouse about it. 

Feeling up to some relationship work? Carve out some uninterrupted time to talk about the impact of technology on your relationship. Here are some questions to get you started. 

Please keep in mind that technology is so ingrained in our lives that we aren’t always conscious of how we use it or the habits we’ve formed. You both probably have some blindspots. Approach this conversation in a positive, constructive way.

  1. Do you ever feel like you’re competing with technology for my attention? What are some examples?
  1. Even when we’re together, do you ever feel like I’m not fully “present” with you because of technology? Do you mind sharing some examples?
  1. Do I have any phone/television/social media/gaming/online shopping habits that are a source of tension with you? Let’s talk about them.
  1. What sensible boundaries for technology can we put in place to ensure our relationship is our first priority?

These conversations can be a revelation. They can also bring up sensitive topics like mutual account access, over-sharing on social media, passwords, and other thorny couple issues. Trustworthy spouses can have strong, differing opinions. 

If the technoference conversation is shifting toward past problems, insecurity, control, or trust, technology probably isn’t the real issue. You may need to bring in some professional advice to work through difficult areas where you can’t reach an agreement.

Don’t forget to be creative and discuss using technology to enhance your relationship. Stay connected through texts, Facetime, and apps that prompt conversations or help you track your couple goals.

Sources:

McDaniel & Drouin Parker. (2019). Daily Technology Interruptions and Emotional and Relational Well-Being.

https://rb.gy/upte3

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Technoference In Relationships

Our world is filled with technological devices and relationships. With technology always (or nearly always) with us, we can be more productive and fill in the gaps in our day. Isn’t that a good thing? Maybe.

Let’s look at how technology impacts your relationship with your significant other. Remember: Technology is a tool. It can be used positively or negatively.

Technology Gaps

Let’s look at those “gaps” technology often fills up. There are many opportunities in the day for “small talk” that isn’t small at all. These may not be times when you’re doing heavy relationship work. But these moments build “connective tissue” that can strengthen your relationship. (If you can put technology in its place.)

  • When you wake up.
  • Car rides.
  • Meals.
  • Leisure time.
  • Before you fall asleep.

Those may look like ordinary parts of your daily routine, but they are chances to connect. They’re also opportunities for technology to steal your attention. “Technoference” describes when technology interrupts face-to-face interaction.

Interruptions and Distractions

Technoference affects most couples in some way. Consider these findings from a recent survey of married/partnered women by the University of Pennsylvania. The women surveyed indicated that the following distractions and interruptions happened daily.

  • 62% said technology interferes with their leisure time together. 
  • 40% said their partner gets distracted by the TV during a conversation. 
  • 35% said their partner will pull out his phone if he receives a notification, even if they are in the middle of a conversation.
  • 33% said their partner checks his phone during mealtimes together.
  • 25% said their partner texts other people during the couple’s face-to-face conversations.

The goal isn’t to assign blame. The goal is to be actively present with the love of your life. Technology isn’t the problem. Technology presents a wealth of opportunities to do positive relationship things. 

Have A Talk

The only reliable way to measure the technoference in your relationship is to talk with your spouse about it. 

Feeling up to some relationship work? Carve out some uninterrupted time to talk about the impact of technology on your relationship. Here are some questions to get you started. 

Please keep in mind that technology is so ingrained in our lives that we aren’t always conscious of how we use it or the habits we’ve formed. You both probably have some blindspots. Approach this conversation in a positive, constructive way.

  1. Do you ever feel like you’re competing with technology for my attention? What are some examples?
  1. Even when we’re together, do you ever feel like I’m not fully “present” with you because of technology? Do you mind sharing some examples?
  1. Do I have any phone/television/social media/gaming/online shopping habits that are a source of tension with you? Let’s talk about them.
  1. What sensible boundaries for technology can we put in place to ensure our relationship is our first priority?

These conversations can be a revelation. They can also bring up sensitive topics like mutual account access, over-sharing on social media, passwords, and other thorny couple issues. Trustworthy spouses can have strong, differing opinions. 

If the technoference conversation is shifting toward past problems, insecurity, control, or trust, technology probably isn’t the real issue. You may need to bring in some professional advice to work through difficult areas where you can’t reach an agreement.

Don’t forget to be creative and discuss using technology to enhance your relationship. Stay connected through texts, Facetime, and apps that prompt conversations or help you track your couple goals.

Sources:

McDaniel & Drouin Parker. (2019). Daily Technology Interruptions and Emotional and Relational Well-Being.

https://rb.gy/upte3

h

L

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When to Leave and When to Save a Relationship

You’re constantly fighting with your significant other and just can’t take it anymore. Your spouse continually ignores you, and you feel so alone in your marriage. There’s a piece of you that wants to make it work, but you’re also exhausted emotionally, mentally, and physically. What do you do?

A quick Google search will provide familiar answers from well-known publications and celebrities.

“If your needs aren’t being met, the relationship is probably dead.”

“If you’re tired of feeling like the only one trying in your marriage, it’s time to call it quits.”

“If you argue often, it’s time to move out and move on.”

The problem with those answers is that all romantic relationships go through seasons of tension, stress, conflict, and disconnect. According to Dr. Dana McNeil, a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist certified in evidence-based methods from The Gottman Institute, all couples experience rough patches. “The bright side is all couples who experience these rough patches also have the potential to work through the issues and come out stronger and more “in love” than ever before,” says Dr. McNeil.

Staying in a mentally, physically, or emotionally abusive relationship is never the answer. In fact, if you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, get help now by contacting the National Domestic Abuse Hotline by visiting thehotline.org or calling 1.800.799.SAFE.

It doesn’t mean your relationship is failing if you find yourself in disagreements regularly, feeling disconnected, or even stuck in a negative rut with your spouse or significant other. These seasons may not provide enough fuel to burn your relationship to the ground. In fact, the fuel they provide could ignite a deeper, more intimate flame than you’ve ever experienced together.

“There is no sugar coating the situation,” says Dr. McNeil. “You will have to make the decision that the relationship is worth being in and working on… you must commit to rolling up your sleeves and doing your part.”

Once you make that decision, here are the next steps, according to Dr. McNeil:

1. Notice your role in the disconnect

There’s the “we stuff” that impacts a relationship, and then there’s the “me stuff.” Take inventory of your attitude, mindset, and any internal work you may need to do. While couples therapy is a good option, individual therapy can also clarify your role in your relationship.

2. Focus on fun

Positive experiences lead to positive emotions. Getting stuck in a pattern of negative thinking about your significant other and your relationship is easy. Create moments and experiences that boost intimacy and affection. Remembering what your relationship felt like when things were good may be all you need to stay motivated and work through this rough patch.

3. Ask for what you need and drop the blame

Have you openly voiced your needs? It’s common to assume our significant other or spouse knows us so well we shouldn’t have to tell them what we want or need. In fact, it’s easy to think that if they really loved you, you wouldn’t have to ask them to clean up the kitchen after you cook, make time for a regular 30-minute conversation with you in the evenings, or acknowledge your interests. But, the truth is, no amount of love, care, and commitment can transform someone into a mind reader. That’s why it’s important to voice your needs and desires with no assumptions or blame placed on the other person.

Decades of research and personal experiences have shown that romantic relationships can enhance your life, lower your stress levels, and increase your overall happiness. If it feels like your relationship or marriage is doing the opposite at the moment, I hope trying these three steps provides some momentum to turn your situation around.

If you’d like to talk to someone about your relationship or marriage, or if you’d like to receive some deeper insights, reach out to First Things First today. You’ll be connected with a relationship coach who can help you identify barriers and obstacles that are keeping you from having the relationship or marriage you desire. Get connected now by going to FirstThings.org/coaching or emailing us at [email protected].
Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First and can be contacted at [email protected].

  • Learn more about Dr. McNeil’s excellent work here.
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6 Things To Know Before You Get Married

Knowing some things ahead of time can lead to a happier relationship.

My wife and I often get asked a common question: “What do you wish you’d known before you got married?” 

Our marriage isn’t perfect by any means. We’ve had our ups and downs. But according to recent statistics, the average length of marriage in the U.S. is just over 8 years. So, it makes sense to ask questions of a couple who’s been married longer than that.

Most couples anticipate having a long, happy marriage. And they should! But if you’ve been married any amount of time, you probably recognize it’s not always smooth sailing. Your marriage is going to get rocked by waves. Sure, there will be times when the sun is shining and the seas are calm. Just know before you get married, there will be storms ahead. But you can navigate the storms and make it through.

In his book, Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married, Dr. Gary Chapman says, “No one gets married hoping to be miserable or to make their spouse miserable, yet the highest percentage of divorce occurs within the first seven years of marriage.”

Chapman’s book provides a marriage blueprint. He lays out 12 potential areas of stress for married couples – they’re great to think about before you get married.

Here are six of the areas he addresses:

1. Being in love is not an adequate foundation for building a successful marriage.

The “honeymoon phase” of marriage typically lasts for up to two years. This phase usually is idealistic and romantic. Don’t get me wrong, this stage is fantastic; it just needs to be treated realistically. This is a time to learn and adjust to each other. Differences will become apparent, but that’s OK. A healthy marriage requires commitment, trust, and communication. You need more than just that loving feeling.

2. Romantic love has two stages.

Chapman describes the first stage of love as a time when couples expend lots of energy doing things for each other, but they don’t consider it work. The second stage of love is more intentional. It requires work to keep emotional love alive.

3. The saying, “like mother, like daughter” and “like father, like son” is not a myth.

Chapman doesn’t suggest that your spouse will become their mother or father. But parents do greatly influence who we become. You will see some traits of your spouse’s parents in them. Be aware of this.

4. How to solve disagreements without arguing.

Conflict is a normal part of marriage. When two people spend lots of time together and grow closer, they won’t agree on everything. That’s OK. Not every conflict has to end in an argument. You can handle disagreements through healthy conversation and compromise.

5. Apologizing is a sign of strength.

Apologizing isn’t always easy. Some even see apologizing as a sign of weakness. It takes a strong person to say, “I was wrong; please forgive me.”

6. Mutual sexual fulfillment is not automatic.

Many newlywed couples don’t anticipate this being an issue. Dr. Chapman shares that while men focus on sex, women focus on relationship. We’re all built differently and have different sexual drives. Those drives change with varying stages of marriage as well. So, what do you do when you feel like sexual fulfillment is lacking? Communicate, communicate, communicate!

Couples who have been married for a long time talk about these issues and more. Marriage takes open, honest communication and flexibility from both people. It won’t always be smooth sailing, but you can navigate the storms together and enjoy those smooth seas. There is beauty in every phase of a relationship.

Other blogs:

5 Tips For Newly Engaged Couples – First Things First

5 Things You Should Have In Common With Your Spouse

Can A Marriage Survive Without Intimacy? – First Things First

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9 Warning Signs of Porn Addiction

Here are some red flags to look for.

If you or someone you know might be addicted to porn, you’ve come to the right place. But first, a quick quiz. 

I’ll give you a choice between two websites, and you guess which website gets more clicks. Ready?

  1. Netflix.com or Porn Website 1?
  2. ESPN.com or Porn Website 2?
  3. Twitter.com or Porn Website 3?
  4. CNN.com or Porn Website 4?
  5. WebMD.com or Porn Website 5?

If you guessed “Porn Website,” you were right every time. In fact, if we combine the top five porn websites, porn ranks fourth for all internet traffic… with 2.8 billion visits per month.1

Remember, that’s just the top five porn websites. If we combined them all, one could argue that the internet is mainly a pornography delivery service.

2.8 billion ranks porn behind only Google, YouTube, and Facebook in monthly visits.

(About 90% of these visits are on mobile devices.)

Why am I telling you all this? To encourage you. That’s right. I want you to know that if you, a partner, or a family member is struggling with pornography, you’re 100% not alone. Pornography addiction is an epidemic.

Everyone is (obviously) so private about their pornography use. If you feel like you need to stop and you can’t, it’s easy to feel like it’s just you. Like there’s something about you that’s defective. You’re not defective.

Along with millions of other people, you cranked up what researchers refer to as the Triple-A Engine Effect (Accessibility, Affordability, and Anonymity.)2 Now, you want to turn that engine off. And you definitely can. There’s help, too.

If you’ve discovered that your partner uses pornography or is addicted to it, you might be wondering what’s wrong with them, or even if it’s you. (Short Answer: This is your partner’s issue. They may be succumbing to a porn addiction along with millions of other ordinary people.) Don’t waste energy thinking about how you’re part of the problem. Think about how you can be part of the solution.

Understand the dynamics and pathology of porn addiction.

Porn use has become incredibly normalized and trivialized.

It’s not just accepted. There’s a sense of entitlement. Mobile devices have opened up a free, bountiful Pornicopia. This has led to widespread addiction.

Public opinion about pornography has cooled down as technology has heated up. One Gallup poll indicated that 58% of respondents believed pornography is “morally wrong.” 40% believed it is “morally acceptable.”3 This is a tectonic shift from only two decades ago.

SIDEBAR: I frankly don’t care if you think pornography is morally wrong or not. I’m not here to moralize. I’d rather philosophize. This is what’s up. Pornography kills something important inside you. At the same time, it’s killing your ability to experience and enjoy genuine sexual intimacy. You’re cheating yourself out of one of the single best things in life. You’re creating a fantasy world. And reality will never be able to keep up. Plus, any addiction or compulsion you can’t control should make you stop and think.

Addiction to pornography might seem less complicated than real human relationships. So, maybe you avoid the risks of emotional vulnerability, relational availability, and personal accountability. But your life will also be devoid of the rewards embedded in those risks.

Sexual gratification via pornography is free, convenient, and anonymous.

It’s like grabbing some drive-thru instead of preparing and enjoying a gourmet sit-down dinner. Porn is low-effort, depersonalized, you-pick-the-menu sex. It doesn’t expect engaging dinner conversation. Porn won’t judge your poor table manners or that you don’t help with the dishes.

But. Porn. Is. Just. Empty. Calories.

There’s an ongoing debate among clinicians and researchers surrounding pornography. Is it really an addiction? Based on some recent research4, some professionals prefer the term compulsion.

This should give you hope. We aren’t talking about chemical dependence. We aren’t talking about physical withdrawal symptoms.

This is a habit. You can break a habit and/or replace it with a healthier one. What do clinicians and researchers agree on? Pornography can be destructive… to yourself, your partner, and your relationship. I’ll let them explain how.

But I Can Stop Whenever I Want To.

“Porn addiction refers to a person becoming emotionally dependent on pornography to the point that it interferes with their daily life, relationships, and ability to function.”5

Here are the signs:

  1. Porn becomes a central part of your life.
  2. Pornography causes relationship issues or makes you feel less satisfied with your partner. Your sex life becomes less satisfying.
  3. You engage in risky behavior to view pornography, like viewing it at work.
  4. You ignore other responsibilities to view pornography.
  5. To get the same release that less extreme porn once offered, you view progressively more extreme pornography .
  6. You’re frustrated or ashamed after viewing porn but continue to do so.
  7. You want to stop using pornography but feel unable to do so.
  8. You cause yourself physical pain or begin to experience erectile dysfunction.
  9. You’re using pornography to cope with sadness, anxiety, insomnia, or other mental health issues.

Remember the 2.8 billion monthly visits to the top five pornographic websites in the U.S? That’s over 1,000 visits per second. In the time it takes you to read this sentence, that’s over 7,000 visits to porn websites.

People clicked on pornography of all kinds… Women being degraded and abused. Sexual exploitation. Rape fantasies. And even child pornography.

You’re here at the moment.

I believe your next click will be the right one.

Sources:

1Semrush. (December 2021). Top 100: The most visited websites in the U.S.https://www.semrush.com/blog/most-visited-websites/ 

2Cooper, & Mcloughlin, I. P. (2001). What clinicians need to know about internet sexuality. https://doi.org/10.1080/14681990126947 

3Gallup. (n.d.). Moral issues. https://news.gallup.com/poll/1681/moral-issues.aspx 

 4Weir, K. (2014, April). Is pornography addictive? American Psychological Association. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2014/04/pornography 

5Villines, Z. (2021, February 25). What to know about porn addiction. Medical News Today. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/porn-addiction 

FTF Resources:

What To Do When You Catch Your Husband Watching Porn – First Things First

Why Does My Husband Watch Porn? – First Things First

Should I Be Upset That My Husband Watches Porn? – First Things First

Resources for Dealing with Porn Addiction – First Things First

***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***

Image from Unsplash.com

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