Tag Archive for: Parenting

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Spring Cleaning Your Relationships: Clearing Out Resentment, Guilt and Unspoken Expectations

There’s something about spring that invites us to shed what’s stale and breathe fresh air into our homes.

And believe it or not… spring will be here this month!

It’s the season to dust off forgotten corners, donate what no longer serves us, and stand back to admire the crispness of a clean slate. But what if we treated our relationships the same way? What if we took this season of renewal as a cue to clear out the resentment, guilt, and unspoken expectations that can quietly clutter our marriages and parenting?

Just as a home full of junk can feel stifling, relationships burdened with emotional debris can limit our joy and connection.

And research agrees. A 2015 study published in The Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that unresolved conflicts and unmet expectations are significant predictors of marital dissatisfaction. Similarly, parenting experts warn that lingering guilt and unspoken assumptions can create friction with our kids.

Dusting Out Resentment in Marriage

Resentment often starts as a small speck—an eye roll when your partner forgets, yet again, to take out the trash. But left unaddressed, it can accumulate into a layer of grime that blurs your view of each other. According to Dr. John Gottman, renowned marriage researcher, the antidote to resentment is open communication. “Small things often,” he says, emphasizing that regular, honest conversations can prevent small irritations from growing into deep divides.

To begin, set aside time to talk without distractions. Start sentences with “I feel” rather than “You always,” which keeps the conversation focused on your experience instead of sounding accusatory. And, yes, it’s uncomfortable at first—kind of like pulling the couch away from the wall and finding a collection of dusty mysteries. But the relief of a clean, honest space is worth it.

Sweeping Away Parenting Guilt

If I had a dollar for every time I felt guilty as a parent, I’d have enough for a luxurious kid-free weekend getaway—and probably still feel guilty about going. Parenting guilt is a universal experience, but carrying it unchecked is like dragging a mop through muddy water: it only spreads the mess.

Parenting expert Dr. Tina Payne Bryson advises acknowledging guilt as a sign of care but not letting it dictate our actions.

“Guilt can be a helpful signal, but it becomes unhealthy when it turns into shame or when it keeps us from being present with our children,” she explains. Instead of dwelling on where you think you’re falling short, focus on small, intentional moments of connection with your kids—whether it’s reading one more story at bedtime or sharing a silly dance in the kitchen.

Scrubbing Out Unspoken Expectations

Expectations are tricky. We all have them, but when left unspoken, they can become invisible tripping hazards. Whether it’s expecting your spouse to know you need a break or hoping your child will behave perfectly at the grocery store, unspoken expectations often lead to disappointment and friction.

Dr. Brené Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston, emphasizes the importance of “clear is kind.” She encourages us to be explicit about what we need and to ask our loved ones to do the same. When my five-year-old started kindergarten, I realized I had an unspoken expectation that he’d adjust easily. When he didn’t, I felt frustrated—not at him, but at the gap between my expectation and reality. Voicing this allowed me to shift my approach, offering him more support and patience as he navigated the transition.

Embracing the Fresh Air

The beauty of spring cleaning—whether in your home or your heart—isn’t in achieving perfection but in creating space for what matters most. When we clear out resentment, guilt, and unspoken expectations, we make room for grace, laughter, and love. We let in the fresh air of connection and breathe a little easier in our most important relationships.

So, as you sweep out the dust bunnies and fold fresh linens, take a moment to dust off your relationships too. It may take time, but the reward is a home—and a heart—where love can flourish.

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First. Contact her at lauren@firstthings.org.

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How Carefree Parenting Can Enhance Your Life

I felt stuck in the grind, like I had spent too many days on wash, rinse, dry and repeat.

My children had also been sick an unbelievable amount of times in just a few short weeks. Life felt like a flood of to do’s and routine rather than a beautiful journey to behold. 

That’s when I realized our day-to-day was focused on a cycle rather than an intentional pattern or building rituals for connection.

As parents, it’s easy to get caught up in the daily grind

wake up, feed the kids, shuttle them to school, tackle a never-ending to-do list, and repeat. Routines are necessary; they provide structure and stability for children. But what if we shifted our focus from simply checking off tasks to creating moments that truly matter?

Enter rituals—the secret ingredient to building joy, connection, and lasting memories in parenthood.

Unlike routines, which are about efficiency and getting things done, rituals are about meaning. They transform ordinary moments into experiences that children cherish for a lifetime.

Routines serve a functional purpose: brushing teeth before bed, packing lunches, or doing homework at a set time. They keep life organized but are often forgettable. Rituals, on the other hand, carry emotional weight. They turn the mundane into something special and create a sense of belonging.

For example, reading a bedtime story every night is a routine. But adding a special phrase before turning off the light—“I love you to the moon and back”—turns it into a ritual. It becomes a moment of comfort, love, and connection.

Research shows that family rituals contribute to a child’s emotional well-being, identity, and sense of security.

Rituals provide children with something to look forward to, a sense of continuity, and a deeper understanding of their family’s values and traditions.

Dr. Barbara Fiese, a psychologist specializing in family routines and rituals, notes that rituals create emotional imprints that last a lifetime. Kids might not remember every meal they ate growing up, but they will remember Friday night pizza and movie nights, the silly song their dad sang every morning, or the secret handshake they shared with their mom.

You don’t need elaborate plans or grand gestures to make an impact.

Here are a few simple ways to infuse rituals into everyday parenting:

1: Make Mealtime Sacred

Instead of just eating dinner together, add a ritual like sharing “highs and lows” of the day or lighting a candle to mark the start of family time.

2: Celebrate Small Wins

Whether it’s finishing a tough school assignment or making it through a long workweek, establish a tradition of celebrating achievements with ice cream, a dance party, or a simple “cheers” with milk and cookies.

3: Bedtime Connection

Create a special goodnight ritual with a song, a funny joke, or a shared gratitude moment before turning out the lights.

4: Seasonal Traditions

Welcome each season with a unique family activity, like a fall nature walk, a summer lemonade stand, or a winter hot cocoa night.

5: Playful Daily Rituals

Turn school drop-offs into a game by racing to the door, or create a goofy handshake for before and after school.

Parenting isn’t just about getting through the day—it’s about shaping childhoods and strengthening family bonds.

By transforming everyday routines into meaningful rituals, we give our children something truly special: a sense of love, security, and a deep connection to their family.

Years from now, our kids won’t remember the schedules we kept, but they will remember how we made them feel. And that’s the power of rituals over routines.

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First. Contact her at lauren@firstthings.org.

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Finding a Safe Haven in Marriage: How Childhood Trauma Affects Intimacy

My daily work involves researching and understanding more about relationships and the things that affect them the most. I’m constantly struck by the ways our early experiences ripple through our adult lives—particularly when it comes to love and how we commit to one another. A new study titled A Safe Haven Through Attachment sheds light on something deeply powerful: the connection between childhood trauma and relationship satisfaction in adults. The study explores how our romantic partnerships can either heal or deepen the scars of past trauma. 

The researchers aimed to understand how early childhood trauma influences relationship satisfaction, particularly through the lens of attachment theory.

Attachment theory suggests that our ability to form healthy relationships as adults is deeply shaped by our earliest bonds—particularly with parents and caregivers. The study focused on couples, looking at both partners’ childhood trauma experiences and how these shaped their relationship dynamics. They wanted to see whether strong emotional connections between partners (also known as “attachment security”) could serve as a buffer against the negative impacts of trauma.

The study revealed that those who experienced significant childhood trauma often struggled more with relationship satisfaction as adults.

But here’s the hopeful part: the quality of attachment between partners plays a major role in mitigating these struggles. Couples who were able to create a safe, emotionally supportive environment for one another saw better relationship outcomes, even if one or both partners had experienced trauma in their past.

One particularly interesting aspect of the research is the idea of “dyadic” effects—how each partner’s history of trauma not only affects their own relationship satisfaction but also influences their partner’s well-being. It’s a reminder that relationships are a two-way street; we carry our pasts into our partnerships, and those pasts inevitably intertwine.

If you, like me, sometimes find yourself navigating the beautiful chaos of marriage and parenting, this research hits close to home. It tells us that while childhood trauma can cast a long shadow, the love and security we build with our partners can offer healing. Relationships become a safe haven—a place where wounds from the past can be soothed rather than reopened.

But this doesn’t happen on its own. The study emphasizes that creating this kind of bond requires emotional openness, trust, and—yes—communication. It’s about recognizing that our partners have their own histories, and together we can work through the ways those histories shape our present.

This also offers a glimpse into the role we play as parents.

Our children’s early experiences shape how they’ll relate to others down the road. So whether it’s a little one adjusting to the dynamics of elementary school or an infant learning the basics of attachment through our own caregiving, we’re laying the groundwork for their future relationships.

For readers who want to dig deeper, this study is also a reminder that trauma doesn’t just go away when we reach adulthood. While seeking professional help and practicing self-reflection can be essential tools for healing, our relationships play an equally significant role. They can provide a place of safety—or a source of additional pain. Recognizing that partners can help each other heal is a powerful insight for anyone who has struggled with intimacy due to their past.

Through working with married couples, and trying to build a secure connection in my own marriage, it’s easy to see how our childhood experiences shape the way we connect and attach with our spouses. However, our childhood is not always easy to discuss and revisit. As you process this information on your own and with your significant other, practice empathy and give lots of grace. This will continue to foster a safe, warm environment for a healthy relationship.

In a world where so many of us are carrying invisible wounds, this research calls us to be more aware of the importance of secure attachment in adult relationships.

It’s not just about being in love; it’s about being emotionally safe. If we’re willing to put in the work with our partners—building trust and nurturing closeness—we can create relationships that transcend the pain of the past and give us a healthier, more connected future.

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Why Traveling With Young Children Is Worth Every Meltdown

My son was four months old the first time he flew on a plane. 

I was invited to a tech conference at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. I was exclusively nursing, living on a special diet of no dairy, soy, or egg, and getting four solid hours of sleep a night.

It wasn’t easy, but seeing my little boy fall asleep on the plane, ga-ga at strangers on the city sidewalks, and marvel at the curves and shapes of Pittsburgh architecture made me grateful for seizing the opportunity.

When he was two years old, we went on a family trip to Boston for a week.

My husband and I love the city, and there are so many fun activities for young ones to enjoy.

At three, my son went on his first beach vacation to Key Largo, an island off the southern coast of Florida.

It was a work trip for my husband, but it became one of our most memorable experiences.

And last week, we visited the Grand Canyon and the deserts of Arizona.

My now four-year-old continually asks if we just came back from outer space. He’s convinced we went to Mars because of Red Rock State Park in Sedona.

Why am I sharing my son’s travel history with you? Because we did it, and you can, too. 

Before moving forward, let me make one thing clear: There were plenty of blowouts, meltdowns, and tired tantrums on each of these trips.

I’m no Mary Poppins, try as I might. But the memories made, experiences had, and the personal growth my husband and I experienced was far worth the chaos.

A study released in 2022 by the Student and Youth Travel Association found that children who travel benefit in a myriad of ways, including better performance in school.

Some of the most noteworthy findings include:

  • 74% of the educators polled believe travel helps students’ personal development.
  • 56% believe travel positively impacts students’ lifetime education and career.
  • 80% of the teachers in the study said travel is an “extremely effective” teaching method.
  • Students who travel often reported having an increased desire to graduate and attend college.

Travel is a luxury not everyone can afford.

However, it’s not the distance that makes the experience beneficial to parents and children; it’s the out-of-the-box experience.

If finances are tight and resources aren’t easily accessible, consider visiting a local monument, park, or museum.

Find a nearby grocery store with culturally diverse foods, people, and languages. Spend some time reading books about places you might want to visit someday and make a tentative plan for how to get there.

If having young children is holding you back from travel, think again.

Seeing the world (no matter how close or far away from home) through the eyes of a small child may be the perspective shift you need to boost positivity and increase creativity. Plus, it can help your child develop a healthy curiosity and openness to critical thinking that will carry them through life.

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First and can be contacted at lauren@firstthings.org.

Photo by James Wheeler on Unsplash

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The Impact of Parents Arguing in Front of Kids

My husband and I had a little argument last week. It wasn’t a big deal, just one of those everyday disagreements. But you know what? Our four-year-old reacted in a surprising way.

He saw us arguing and got upset. So upset, in fact, that he pretended to punch my husband. When we asked him what was going on he said, “You two fighting makes me angry, and I want to fight. I choose Mom’s side. Attack Dad!” While I was slightly honored that he chose to defend me, it got me thinking about how our arguments affect our kids.

Experts have talked about this for a long time. They say that when parents argue in front of their kids, it can make the kids internalize the conflict.

A study done by the Journal of Family Psychology followed over 200 families for ten years. Guess what they found?

Kids who saw their parents argue a lot were more likely to experience anxiety, depression, and behavioral issues later in life. And it didn’t matter if the arguments got resolved or not. What mattered was how often and how intensely the parents argued.

Arguing at home can even make it hard for kids to do well in school. There was another study in the Journal of Child Development that found kids who hear their parents argue a lot have trouble paying attention in school. The stress caused by conflict between parents can make it harder for children to focus, absorb information, and give their full effort.

Here’s another thing: kids learn from their parents.

If parents yell or call names when they argue, their kids are likely to do the same. That’s what this famous psychologist called Dr. John Gottman says. He calls it “the conflict blueprint.” Basically, kids copy what they see their parents doing.

But it’s not all bad news. Parents can do things to make it better. First off, they need to realize that their arguments affect their kids. So, it’s important to try to solve arguments without shouting or fighting. Sometimes, talking to a professional can help, like going to therapy or taking parenting or marriage classes.

Making home a safe and happy place can help kids feel more secure. Spending time together as a family, talking openly, and making sure kids know they’re loved can all help. And if you think your arguments have already hurt your kids, it’s okay to talk to them about it. When a child feels tension between parents, they’ll internalize their emotions and often blame themselves. This is normal for children and should encourage parents to reach out to them with curiosity and reassure them of the love and safety in the family. 

As parents, we are role models for our kids. So, it’s important to be kind and respectful, even when we disagree. By doing that, we can help our kids grow up happy and healthy.

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Parents Should Have Hard Conversations With Young Children

“Momma, when you die and I don’t have a Momma anymore, can I go live with Nana and Poppy?” my four-year-old asked nonchalantly last Saturday.

“Well, if anything happens to me and your dad, you can certainly live with Nana and Poppy. What made you ask that question, bug?” I said blindsided.

“People die. And, I know you’re gonna die and live with Jesus. So. I just want to have someone to live with, too,” he responded. Then, he ran outside and started digging in the dirt with his dump trucks.

I was in shock from the conversation. What was going on in his little mind? Where did that question come from?

My husband reminded me that our son has attended four funerals in his short four years of life– three great grandmothers and a great aunt. That’s a lot of death to unpack. I also learned he overheard a conversation about the tragic shootings and deaths of 3 adults and 3 children at the Covenant School in Nashville a few weeks ago.

As a parent, I want to protect my son at all costs.

I want to keep him from having to deal with the hard, unfair and cruel injustices of this world. But, the truth is, avoiding difficult conversations and shielding him in an effort to preserve his innocence does more harm than good in the long run.

The American Psychological Association (APA) released a statement earlier this year encouraging parents to have hard conversations with young children: 

“Taking a proactive stance and discussing difficult events and topics in age-appropriate language can help a child feel safer and more secure. If adults don’t talk to them about it, a child may overestimate what is wrong or misunderstand adults’ silence. So, be the first to bring up the difficult topic. When parents tackle difficult conversations, they let their children know that they are available and supportive.”

While this statement is empowering, sitting down and having these conversations can be stressful. How do you define age appropriate language? What if you don’t have all the answers to the questions they ask?

Here are a few things to remember when these hard conversations happen:

1: If you can, practice ahead of time.

When a tragic event occurs, try to be the person your child hears it from first. Decide what you’re going to share, how you’re going to share it, and most importantly, when the best time is to have the conversation.

2: Timing is everything.

Choose a quiet place to sit with your child one-on-one and look them in the eyes. Avoid having hard conversations when you’re busy making dinner or when your child is playing. The conversation at hand should be the center of both your attention.

3: Ask them what they already know.

“There was a shooting at a school. What do you know about this?” And then listen, listen, and listen more.

4: Tell them how you feel.

Sharing your emotions with your child allows them to create a deeper connection with you. It’s also a great opportunity to model behavior and emotional regulation for them.

5: Stick to the facts and avoid details.

Tell them the outline of what happened. There’s no need to share gory details or show gruesome graphics. 

As a parent, the greatest thing you can do for your child is build a deep connection with them. No matter how hard we try, we can’t control them or the world around them. Having hard conversations when they’re young allows them to see you as a safe, wise and trusted source for a lifetime.

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First and can be contacted at lauren@firstthings.org.

Photo by Jonas Kakaroto on Unsplash

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The Number One Way to Help Children in Their Education

As the CEO of a nonprofit organization, I often find myself in a room with a variety of community leaders and decision makers. As the mom of a preschooler, I often find myself surrounded by parents of young children. In both kinds of gatherings, education regularly becomes a loud, boisterous and sometimes hostile conversation. Opinions and ideas fly out of mouths like daggers.

“Homeschool is the only way to go.”

“The public education system isn’t all flawed, the teachers are under-resourced.” 

“Private school solves every problem.”

Do a quick Google search of “How to help children in their education.” You’ll find thousands of articles focused on helping elementary aged children read, use their creativity and build their focus. The common thread pulling these articles together? They’re written to parents who are looking to be more engaged with their child’s education at home, outside of a classroom’s four walls.

According to the American Psychological Association (APA), when elementary age students have involved and engaged parents, they are more likely to: 

  • Earn higher grades and test scores
  • Graduate from high school and attend post-secondary education
  • Develop self-confidence and motivation 
  • Have better social skills and behavior

These children are also less likely to:

  • Suffer from low self-esteem
  • Require redirection
  • Develop behavioral issues
  • Make poor decisions

Digging deeper into the research, children achieve more when their parents are engaged regardless of whether they attend a public or private school or are homeschooled. 

With this in mind, please note, I’m not trying to start an education debate. Every child learns differently, every family has different ideals and access to resources, and every educational environment carries its own influential factors.

But, are we asking the right questions?

Whose responsibility is it to make sure children are learning well and receiving the education they need to thrive in society? Going back to the research, parental involvement bears great influence on a child’s educational outcomes. Knowing this, how is our community as a whole supporting students and their parents/caregivers in the educational process?

These questions go beyond the public system, the private schools and the homeschool groups. It involves every aspect of the community– from nonprofit organizations and churches to government agencies and every sector of business. 

Parents’ and caregivers’ responsibility doesn’t end when they choose a school or educational path for their child.

If we truly want to nurture the next generation and provide equal opportunities for all, compassion and support must be provided to parents and caregivers across the board. This investment means success for our entire community.

Let me be the first to say, I don’t have all the answers. Education in and of itself is complex and each situation is different. There are many opinions and experiences that color the educational debate. Regardless of where you stand, there’s no denying the need for parental engagement in the lives of children. 

Helen Keller wrote, “Alone we can do so little, together we can do so much.”

Are we willing to work together toward holistic solutions for the good of the children in our community? Or will we inadvertently build walls of division and create obstacles for opportunity?

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First and can be contacted at lauren@firstthings.org.

Note: If you’re a parent or caregiver in search of assistance in connecting with your child, First Things First has FREE one-on-one coaching resources to guide you on your journey. Go to FirstThings.org/Coaching or email us at Coaching@FirstThings.org to learn more.

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Change, Stress, and Happiness

For the last seven years, I’ve had the pleasure of working for First Things First, Inc. (FTF).

We’re a non-profit dedicated to helping every family have healthy relationship skills to pass down from generation to generation. I’ve served in several roles at FTF, but for the last twelve months, I’ve been honored to serve as President and CEO. 

This is my first of many articles to be published in this column for The Chattanooga Times Free Press.

Mitchell Qualls, our Vice President of Operations, is handing me the baton. I will continue to share research-based relationship skills and best family practices with you. I’m so grateful for the dedication and exceptional content Mitchell created over the last two years. I know many families in our community have been encouraged and empowered through his writing.

So, here we are in another time of transition.

A different byline will appear in this column. A new season is approaching. The holidays and the hustle and bustle are right around the corner. If there’s one thing that’s certain to stay the same in life, it’s change.

I’m thirty-two years old, I’ve been married to my husband Daniel for almost nine years, and we have a sweet, rambunctious three-year-old named Strider. At least once a week, my husband and I talk about what we can do to create a more consistent schedule. We’re convinced consistency will make daily life easier and make everything fall into place.

But the truth is, no matter how well we plan, we can always expect change.

We can’t prohibit the flu from taking over our household. We can’t keep the tree from falling down in our yard during a storm. We can’t stop mechanical issues from happening in our car. As much as we might wish it wasn’t true, change is here to stay.

However, we can choose how we support each other when change inevitably occurs.

In 2021, Cleveland Health Clinic reported people experience increased stress symptoms when going through change, and these symptoms increase the more change we encounter.

So, we’ve already determined change is inevitable, and now we know stress is also unavoidable. What’s the solution if we can’t avoid it?

A 2017 research article published in the Innovation in Aging journal through Oxford University Press revealed healthy family relationships can limit stress, increase the production of mood-boosting chemicals in your brain, and create a sense of belonging and unconditional love.

In other words, the best way to deal with life changes and the stress they create is to have a solid support system to rely on.

While we can’t plan for change, we can work toward building stronger relationships and families that will help us weather the storms and enjoy the sunshine on the other side.

According to the Journal of Marriage and Family Review, strong families have six significant qualities in common:

1: Appreciation/affection

2: Commitment

3: Positive communication

4: Time together

5: Strong coping skills

6: Spiritual well-being.

Over the next six weeks, we’ll take a closer look at each of these six qualities and suggest ways to assess them in your relationships, along with practical tools you can use to strengthen your family for generations to come.

I look forward to continuing this relationship journey alongside you.

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First and can be contacted at lauren@firstthings.org.

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