Does My Teen Need Screen Time Limits?
Short Answer: Yes, your teen needs screen time limits, but it’s not quite that simple. What screen time limits look like depends on your teen and your relationship with them. The limits you set have much less to do with the screens and much more with the teens.
★ Eyes On The Prize: You’re raising a future adult. You’re working yourself out of a job.
Long Answer: I was waiting for the “On-Air” light on the set of a local talk show. My segment was about technology and families, particularly teens, smartphones, and social media. I was excited because:
I’m passionate about how technology affects families and relationships, so I’ve been following the research for some time.
And I’m parenting a teen, and I talk to other parents about these issues. I’m in this with you. I know it’s hard.
My mind was on my messaging as I waited for that light to come on. What do I tell parents about screens and teens? Easy.
Emphasize parenting principles.
1. There’s no substitute (app, program, setting, filter) for a strong, healthy relationship between a parent and their teen.
2. Talking to teens about screen time and technology is an ongoing thing. It requires talking about many other unrelated things. Things THEY want to talk about when THEY are open to talk. ★ If parents don’t put in genuine relationship work, teens won’t hear their parents talk about screen time (or just about anything else).
3. Stay informed about the technology your teen uses, but, more importantly, stay informed about your teen. Notice their moods, changes in their behavior, and how they spend their time. Is your teen generally responsible and trustworthy? Developing appropriate life skills? Well-rounded and balanced? Have things like pornography, sexting, and cyberbullying already been a part of their screen use?
4. Leading by example is essential when it comes to screen time and technology.
What is your relationship with technology? Are you modeling the behaviors you’d like to see from your teen?
On-Air!
And to my frustration, the host only wanted to talk about kids being abducted because of what they posted online. Wow.Oh.Okay.Um.Yeah. We can talk about all that, I guess. This is the kind of stuff parents are up against when talking to their teens about screens.
What makes it HARDER to talk about screens with teens?
- The media feeds parents a steady stream of sensationalized, scary stories.
- The research in this area, frankly, is all over the place. (To be fair, we’re talking about relatively new and constantly-evolving technology.) This can confuse and frustrate well-intentioned parents. Examples?
I could link to studies to “prove” all of the following:
- Screens keep teens from socializing. No, they help teens socialize.
- Screens hinder cognitive development. No, they help cognitive development.
- Screens hurt teens’ mental health. No, hurting teens gravitate to screens. Or, screens can help heal teens’ mental health. (I think all three can be true.)
- Screens make it harder to keep teens safe. No, they make it easier to keep teens safe.
- Screens interrupt teens’ sleep patterns. No, they can help repair those patterns.
Teens quickly point out any hypocrisy between their parent’s message and their parent’s example. And teens are often more tech-savvy than their parents.
These screens on smartphones, tablets, and laptops are already ingrained in your average teen’s life. In positive, practical ways:
- Online learning.
- Homework and projects.
- Virtual college visits.
- Work and sports scheduling.
- Connecting with family & extended family.
- Shopping for stuff they need.
- Outlets for creativity & developing new skills & hobbies.
- Not getting lost driving.
- Calling for help if they need it.
- Simply texting that practice has been canceled is a huge help.
A screen is a tool. How is your teen using it? True, it’s a powerful tool, but screens aren’t good or bad. And they are here to stay.
So, let’s get practical.
Here are some adaptable ideas about screen time limits that may (or may not) help your teen.
⇨ I don’t usually make a point about this, but the links in this blog take you to the info you want and need. Click ’em for some deeper practical information for screens and your unique teen!
- Screens can isolate. Screen use only in “common areas” of the house. No screens in their bedroom. Or no screens in their bedroom at night.
- Screens can distract. (Part 1) Screens get put to “bed” in the kitchen or the parent’s bedroom to charge overnight, so teens can read, think, and even be “bored” before they fall asleep. Teens can use old-fashioned alarm clocks. ☆ Are You Up For It?
Set the example. Everybody’s phone charges overnight outside the bedroom. You might unwind and fall asleep better, too!
- Screens can distract. (Part 2) “Notifications” are a phone’s way of saying, “Notice me now!” But notifications can be turned off completely, muted, put in “Do Not Disturb” mode or “Driving Mode.” Help your teen learn to check their phone when they need to, not when their phone wants them to. Here’s notification help.
- Screens can demand. Most smartphones come with Screen Use Monitoring weekly reports. These reports show time spent on social media, entertainment, productivity, etc. ☆ Are You Up For It? Offer to compare your report with your teen’s. Make a game out of it. You can both set goals for next week!
Talking To Your Teen About Screens… And Other Things.
- It can be challenging to get your teen to talk about anything. Here’s help. And here.
- In general, you’re working toward a conversation with your teen, not a confrontation.
- Try to have a genuine dialogue. Listen to your teen’s ideas and input. It’s not a weakness to collaborate, negotiate, and have some give and take. Agree to boundaries that leave room for your teen to prove they’re responsible and trustworthy. Being clear about consequences for choices outside those boundaries is essential.
- Screens can tempt even the BEST teen into making BAD decisions – it happens. Try responding instead of reacting. Pornography. Sexting. Cyberbullying. Posting things that come back to haunt them when they apply for a job or college.
- Try to interact with your teen and their screens. The fancy term is “joint media engagement.” Watch ’em play some video games. Ask them to show you the funny Tik Toks. Ask about posts that confused/frustrated/angered them today? This can start great conversations.
- Ask your teen how social media makes them feel about themselves and their life. Then listen and listen. When it comes to social media, encourage your teen to create, not just consume.
★ Eyes On The Prize: You’re raising a future adult, and screens are gonna be part of their life.
One day, you won’t be there to limit their screen time, but you can prepare them now.
Today, more than anything, your teen needs you.
FYI: I shared an interview experience that disappointed me. Check out this “On-Air” experience that went well!
Other blogs:
How to Create Social Media Rules in Your Marriage – First Things First
When (and How) Should I Give My Child A Cell Phone? – First Things First
How to Be an Emotionally Safe Parent – First Things First
How To Make Sure Your Child Knows You Love Them – First Things First
Your Ultimate Guide to Screen Time
Have you paused lately to look around at our technological world? From smart home devices to self-driving cars, it’s a lot to take in. And then, we have to guide our children on how to engage with all this – and talk about screen time. It’s overwhelming to hear all the different voices, from professionals to friends, telling us how our kids should use technology. Our kids are growing up in a world where digital identities are just as real as physical ones. And it’s not like there’s a well-laid out manual for helping your child navigate an ever-changing technological world.
You may be wondering, “What in the world do I do here?”
We can ask a different question, though. It’s this: “How can my family use technology without allowing technology to use us?”
As you make your plan, consider your personal situation. Based on American Academy of Pediatrics research, these general guidelines can help you navigate technology use in your home.
Screen time: the good and the bad.
Screen time isn’t wrong in and of itself. It’s all about how you use it. There are many benefits to co-viewing with younger children and using technology to promote learning and conversation.
Too much screen time can be linked to:
- Obesity
- Irregular sleep
- Behavioral problems
- Lower academic performance
- Violence
Benefits of screen time:
- Exposure to new ideas and information
- Connection to family and friends who are geographically distant
- Co-viewing and co-playing with your child can promote healthy development
- Digital tools can promote school readiness or enhance learning
Recommended screen time limits per the American Academy of Pediatrics.
- Birth to 18 months: No screens, except for video chats with family and friends.
- 18 months to 2 years: Limit screen time and view with your child. Introduce high-quality educational programming.
- 2-5 years: Limit screen time to an hour a day (outside of academics) and watch together, if possible.
- 6-12 years: Place consistent limits on screen time as determined by the family. Ensure that screen time doesn’t impact your child’s sleep, exercise, or behavior.
Tips for setting screen time guidelines.
Be conscious of your screen usage.
The first tip is to look in the mirror. Kids learn from what they see. You may need screen time limits as much as they do.
Create a Family Media Use Plan.
Creating a plan as a family is powerful. Of course, you, as the parent, have to determine how much screen time your child has. But there is power in allowing them to craft how that looks and what other activities they can be involved in to ensure they exercise their physical and creative skills.
Utilize screen time limits on devices.
Most devices have parental controls for screen time usage. Use all the tools at your disposal.
Balance screen time with quality personal time.
Children need parental or caretaker engagement to develop emotionally and socially. Ensure that you’re balancing their screen time with your presence.
Avoid screens at mealtime.
Meals are a fantastic way to connect as a family. Focus the time on discussing what everyone’s day was like or asking questions to spur conversation.
Avoid screens in the bedroom.
A child’s bedroom is a great place to play and rest. At a young age, avoid allowing them to take screens into their room as much as possible.
Turn off all screens during family outings.
Screens can be distracting when the family is engaging in activities together. Turn off screens for all family members (parents included).
Unplug from screens at least 30 minutes before bedtime.
Our brains need time to decompress and rest. Spend this time reading together to prepare everyone for a restful night.
What this means for you.
Your child is going to use screens. It’s how they connect with the world. Do your best to help guide how they use screen time in a healthy way. Sure, you may bend or break the rules at times. You may need to give in to more screen time ‘cause you need a break or have to get something done. That’s ok. Your child will continue to develop and grow. What they need more than strict tech rules is an involved parent. Make sure they are getting outdoors and playing and creating. If you haven’t navigated screens well up to this point, that’s ok. There’s no better time to start than the present.
Other blogs:
Seven Things Every Child Needs to Thrive
5 Ways to Build Teamwork in Your Family – First Things First
How to Talk to Your Teen About Sexting – First Things First
How To Make Sure Your Child Knows You Love Them – First Things First
Sources:
Children and too much screen time – Mayo Clinic Health System
Physical Activity Counters Impact of Kids’ Screen Time
5 ways screen time can benefit children and families – Child Trends
Physical Activity Counters Impact of Kids’ Screen Time
Guidelines on physical activity, sedentary behaviour and sleep
Media and Young Minds | Pediatrics
Media Use in School-Aged Children and Adolescents | Pediatrics
Why You Need Screen Time Limits, Too (Not Just Your Kids!)
Hey, Mom or Dad! If you’re like me, managing screen time for your kids can be a struggle. How much should they have? What impact is that tiny screen having on their development? What about when they’re on screens at school? I get it. The questions about screen time limits can be overwhelming.
There are countless articles addressing screen time for kids.
In fact, the American Academy of Pediatrics has several age-specific recommendations in Media and Young Minds. To name a few, they recommend no media for children 2 and younger and only one hour per day for children ages 2 to 5. Well, I’ll be the first parent to raise my hand and admit I dropped the ball there.
Maybe you’re right there with me. If so, don’t feel bad. It doesn’t make you a bad parent. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned about parenting over the past nine years, it’s that we need to give ourselves (and our kids) a lot of grace. We didn’t get a parenting handbook the day they were born, and they didn’t get a child handbook, either. We’re all learning as we go.
Now back to those pesky screens. They’re everywhere, and they’re part of everyday life. So, we need a plan to use them (and not let them use us).
Limiting screen time is very important for your child’s development, but limiting your own is just as important.
Oh no, he didn’t just say that!
Yes. Yes, I did!
You want to be a good parent. You know that the best way your child learns is through example. Your kids learned to walk and eat by watching you do it. Whatever trait they’ve learned, they learned from someone. Technology usage is no different.
And this isn’t just about teaching your kid how to use technology effectively. It’s about you using it effectively and managing your screen time.
Setting downtime from screens has many benefits.
Here are just a few:
- It improves your physical health.
- Frees up time to play.
- Allows you to make better social connections.
- Boosts your mood.
Those benefits are for you, not just your kids.
I know I’m asking a lot. Don’t worry, I’m looking in the mirror challenging myself here, too. I need to set better screen boundaries for myself.
So, where do we start?
Here are a few ways you can help set limits for the entire family.
1. Create tech-free zones in the house.
Talk to your family and create some tech-free areas or times at home. The dinner table is an excellent place to start. Make a rule that while you eat dinner, no phones or TV. But what are you going to do? I’m so glad you asked. Take this time to ask questions. Check in on each other’s days. Grab a list of random questions and work through those.
2. Establish tech-free times.
Maybe you can have a weekly game or movie night. A movie involves a screen, but you can put all other devices on airplane mode or away while the movie is on. Implement those movie theater rules. Set aside times for you and your partner to be tech-free after the kids go to bed. Be intentional about your time together.
3. Turn off notifications.
Turning off my notifications was one of the best things I ever did with my phone. The only notifications I get are messages and the weather. When your notifications are off, you choose when you use the technology. You don’t let the little ding dictate your usage. Researchers have even proven the little notification ding gives us a shot of dopamine.
4. Track screen time.
This one is for everyone. Most phones or devices have screen time or screen health settings. Track the usage for the family. Set sleep times for all devices and limit screen exposure before bed so it doesn’t interfere with sleep quality. Monitor what you use your device for and when.
Modeling healthy technology use for your kids will help them in so many ways. Remember, not all screen time is bad, and there are plenty of creative ways to use technology as a family. Just being intentional about your usage and setting some limits can create positive change now and in the future.
Other helpful blogs:
5 Ways to Build Teamwork in Your Family – First Things First
When (and How) Should I Give My Child A Cell Phone? – First Things First
How to Create Social Media Rules in Your Marriage – First Things First
Sources:
https://ifstudies.org/blog/is-our-addiction-to-pleasure-destroying-us
https://www.verywellfamily.com/cut-kids-screen-time-for-health-621154
https://www.verywellfamily.com/kids-and-technology-when-to-limit-it-and-how-621145
https://publications.aap.org/pediatrics/article/138/5/e20162591/60503/Media-and-Young-Minds
What to Do When You Feel Compassion Fatigue
Have you ever felt like you’ve cared so much you just can’t anymore? Like you’re exhausted from taking care of others? Even if you’ve never heard of compassion fatigue, you may be familiar with what it is. Maybe more familiar than you’d like.
What is compassion fatigue?
Psychologist Charles Figley says it’s “a state of exhaustion and dysfunction, biologically, physiologically and emotionally, as a result of prolonged exposure to compassion stress.”
In essence, it’s feeling like you have no more empathy to give.
Compassion fatigue is most often associated with health care workers, first responders, law enforcement, therapists and at-home caregivers. But we’re all at risk of feeling this way.
Let’s face it: Life can be downright draining.
Caring for sick or aging loved ones may be wearing you out. Perhaps you’re tired of giving grace to your spouse. Maybe you don’t feel like you have anything left to give your kids. The non-stop flow of information about the suffering around the world can overwhelm you. All these things (and more) can contribute to a feeling of emotional exhaustion.
The root of compassion fatigue is in caring for others.
It would be easy to confuse compassion fatigue with burnout, but they’re a bit different. According to the American Institute of Stress, burnout is marked by emotional exhaustion and withdrawal associated with cumulative stress at work. [Read https://firstthings.org/7-ways-to-prevent-burnout/.]
Compassion fatigue occurs because of the emotional strain of supporting those who are suffering from something traumatic. It is rooted in caring for others. It’s not just a workplace thing, but it can co-exist with burnout, especially for those in service professions.
Look for these symptoms.
Some symptoms of compassion fatigue are:
- Physical and psychological exhaustion
- Feeling helpless, hopeless, or powerless
- A decreased sense of personal and professional accomplishment
- A change in your worldview or spirituality
- Drastic shifts in mood
- A dramatic withdrawal from social connections
Since compassion fatigue affects your mental and physical health, it also impacts the quality of your relationships with your partner, children, friends, and co-workers.
Remember, caring for yourself properly can help you care effectively for others. So, if (or when) you find that you’ve run out of empathy to give, understanding how to combat those feelings can help you move forward.
Fighting Compassion Fatigue
Psychiatrist Yazhini Srivathsal, M.D., offers a few ways to combat compassion fatigue:
- Follow general self-care guidelines – get plenty of sleep, eat well, exercise regularly, and nurture social relationships.
- Practice gratitude and being engaged in the present moment.
- Avoid information overload. If too much negative information stresses you out, take steps to decrease how much you consume.
- Engage in activities that rejuvenate you.
- Understand that pain and suffering are normal, and you have no control over them.
- Focus on what you can control, like your thoughts and feelings. You may not be able to control what happens around you or to you, but you can control how you react.
- If needed, seek professional help.
Helping others is an important component of healthy relationships. Your partner, your children, and your loved ones depend on you, and that can be overwhelming. When you feel compassion fatigue begins to set in, take the proper steps to care for yourself. If you see these signs in your loved ones, stepping in and offering to walk alongside them can alleviate some of their load.
Other helpful blogs:
What to Do When Everything Feels Hopeless – First Things First
How to Stay Motivated as a Parent – First Things First
How to Stay Motivated During Marriage Challenges – First Things First
5 Benefits of Being Thankful – First Things First
Sources:
Compassion Fatigue – The American Institute of Stress
Are You Suffering from Compassion Fatigue? | Psychology Today
Compassion Fatigue: Symptoms To Look For
Must-Have New Year’s Resolutions for Your Family
As the year rapidly comes to an end, many people think about making the next year better. The idea of New Year’s resolutions has been around for thousands of years. The practice of looking back at the past, then forward to what’s to come is the hallmark of creating New Year’s resolutions for yourself and for your family.
Here are some must-have resolution suggestions for the different facets of your life.
Personal Resolutions:
1. Practice gratitude.
Believe it or not, an attitude of gratitude and appreciation affects your perspective of the world and what’s happening around you. Gratitude helps you recognize that it could be worse – no matter how difficult something is.
2. Care for yourself.
Self-care is a trending term these days. You may actually be resistant to self-care because it can be seen as selfishness. However, at a minimum, it’s essential to make sure that you are eating and sleeping well, and moving. Intentionally taking care of yourself can make you a better person, spouse, and parent.
Couple Resolutions:
1. Practice “couple” time.
Spending quality time together can enhance your closest relationships. This may look different depending on your stage of life and interests. Be intentional about making time for each other in the new year.
2. Show appreciation.
Show appreciation for your partner affirms that you see them. It doesn’t matter how small the task is. Appreciation keeps you from taking your spouse for granted. Make a habit of trying to find the good in your spouse and watch what happens.
3. Work on deeper connections.
It’s easy to get so overwhelmed with the busyness of life that we forget to connect. In the new year, be aware of how you can connect with your spouse during these four times in the day:
1) When you wake up in the morning
2) When you depart for the day
3) When you reconnect after work
4) When you say good night
These little moments can totally impact how you build intimacy in your relationship.
Family Resolutions:
1. Eat meals together.
For years, dozens of studies have shown that family meals decrease substance use, eating disorders, and depressive symptoms. Family mealtimes also increase academic success and self-esteem. Additionally, eating together strengthens the parent-child connection. Schedule at least four meals to eat together. It can include Saturday breakfast or Sunday dinner. (Now you have two more to put on the calendar.)
2. Volunteer together.
Children can often believe that their wants, needs, and desires are the most crucial thing in the world. Volunteering allows them to get out of their world and help others. You might start small by helping a neighbor or planning to volunteer monthly at a local animal shelter.
3. Take an annual family trip.
The purpose of a yearly family trip is to take time away from the day-to-day and have focused time together. It’s easy to get disheartened about financing a family trip to, say, a famous amusement park. Instead, focus on adventure and making memories that last a lifetime.
4. Unplug from technology.
Technology has become an integral part of our lives, but it can be a distraction sometimes. In the new year, make a conscious effort at specific times to step away from the phones, tablets, etc. Have a bowl near the dining room table where everyone can place their phone before you sit down to eat together. For a more significant challenge, take one day a month where everyone unplugs.
5. Schedule weekly family fun nights.
Playing board games or watching a movie together once a week is great for bonding! You can share the games and movies that you enjoyed growing up with your children or discover new ones as a family.
As the new year gets closer, choose an activity from each category. Remember, your goal is to increase the connections in your family by spending time together. Start slow. You don’t have to do it all! Keep your focus on bonding with your spouse and your children. And remember to have a GREAT and prosperous new year!
Sources:
Systematic review of the effects of family meal frequency on psychosocial outcomes in youth
How to Help Your Teen Deal With a Breakup
One of the most challenging things for a parent to handle is when their child experiences pain. Whether it’s a scraped knee from learning to ride a bike or a bump on the chin from running around, you hurt when your child hurts. Sadly, you can’t always protect them as they grow up. For example, there’s heartbreak after a relationship has ended. How do you help your teen with the pain of a breakup when all you want to do is stop them from hurting?
It can be tricky, but these do’s and don’ts can guide you as you try to help your teen deal with a breakup.
Do:
Recognize that breaking up is a process.
Today’s breakup looks different from the old-school breakup, which may have included burning everything tied to the ex. These days, it takes time for the relationship to end.
Empathize with what your teen is feeling.
Say something like, I would imagine this is hard. Or ask, What can I do to help? This lets your teen know that you care and are there for them when they need it.
Try to be a good listener.
Now’s the time to practice your listening skills. Be open to what your teen says. Take advantage of the little moments. When you ask with care and gentleness, they become more receptive and less defensive.
Expect emotions.
It may sound cliché, but breaking up is hard to do. Your teen may experience various emotions, ranging from anger, disappointment, embarrassment, loneliness, or sadness. Support them as they feel what they feel.
Understand that breakups cause ripple effects in different areas of their lives.
So much of your teen’s life is interconnected, so being aware of how the breakup affects the different parts is huge. School is a prime example. Are they in the same clubs or classes with their ex? Will friends choose sides? And let’s not forget what happens on IG or Snapchat.
Help your teen process what they learned about themselves from the relationship and the breakup.
The process of dating teaches teens things like:
- what they like
- what they don’t like,
- who is a good match for them and who isn’t
Your teen also learns what was good about the relationship, what they discovered about themselves from the relationship, and what they would do differently going forward.
Share with your teen that breakups are a natural part of dating relationships.
As your teen continues to date, there will probably be more breakups when at least one party isn’t enjoying the relationship anymore. And since most people don’t marry the person they date as teenagers, lead your child to learn more about themselves and how they will date differently.
Encourage them to get back to their “normal” routine.
After the initial shock of the breakup, encourage your teen to get back into the swing of things. If you loosen the rules about chores or allow them to take time off from their part-time job, they may need some motivation to get back on track.
Watch for signs that they aren’t bouncing back. Seek professional help when necessary.
Experiencing grief and sadness after a breakup is normal, but be aware if you notice prolonged changes to their regular eating or sleeping patterns. Do they complain of stomach aches or headaches? Avoiding school? Yes, teens have wonky sleeping and eating habits, so it can be hard to tell. This is recognizing changes in your child’s patterns.
Don’t:
Try to fix it.
Accept that you can’t fix this. Support your teen as they go through it. Calling their ex’s parents only complicates things.
Make it about you.
When talking with your teen, keep the focus on them. Yes, you have personal experiences, but share the lessons you learned without overidentifying. Encourage them to become the best version of themselves, not a carbon copy of you.
Allow them to vent exclusively via technology. (Facebook, IG, Snapchat, etc.)
The internet isn’t the place to air feelings or grievances about the ex, relationship, and breakup. Once it’s out there, everyone can see it – forever.
Minimize the relationship.
Most teen relationships develop out of parents’ view, either in school or via technological means (e.g., text, FaceTime, messaging, etc.). The relationship may not seem genuine or a big deal to you. However, it’s front and center in your teen’s life.
Don’t bad mouth the ex – even if it’s true.
Saying negative things to cheer up your teen isn’t helpful. (Things like, They weren’t good enough for you, or I didn’t like them anyway.) Teens often get back together. Try to show support without tearing others down.
No matter how much you want to keep your children from experiencing pain, it’s inevitable. Guiding them toward more self-awareness and resilience through the breakup process can help them grow and remember the purpose of healthy dating. Then, you can frame the breakup as a success, not a failure. Dating is about finding a good match. At this time, it wasn’t a good one for them. Dating worked. They figured it out.
Other blogs:
How to Be an Emotionally Safe Parent – First Things First
8 Warning Signs of Unhealthy Dating Relationships – First Things First
Dating Violence in the Digital Age – First Things First
How To Make Sure Your Child Knows You Love Them – First Things First
How to Stop a Conversation Without Hurting the Relationship
Picture this: You’re having an EXHAUSTING conversation with extended family. There seems to be no easy or natural escape route, but you’ve got to get away for your own sanity. You know that stopping the conversation can hurt the relationship. What do you do?
You may want to stop the conversation for several reasons:
- The topic is too controversial, and it’s not worth potentially fracturing the relationship. (Religion, politics, social justice, morality, parenting, etc.)
- It’s gotten too personal. (Unresolved issues, things you don’t want to share, topics you disagree on regarding how you live your life, and so on.)
- It’s simply time to move on. You have other commitments or people to talk to.
- The conversation feels like gossip.
- Your history with this person leads you to believe that this convo won’t end well.
- You don’t feel equipped to talk about the topic.
I’m sure you can come up with all kinds of reasons you’d want or need to stop a conversation.
If you’re like me, you work hard to avoid hurting others – and sometimes end up talking too long and wasting time. This can lead to resentment or simply lost interest in the relationship because you hope you don’t run into that person. Why? Because you know the conversation will go ON and ON and ON if you do.
But maybe you’re like some friends of mine who can be overly blunt. They don’t care if they hurt your feelings. So they may say:
“I ain’t got time for all this. I’ll talk to you later.”
“I’m not about to have this conversation with you.”
“I knew better than to try and talk to you about this.”
Let’s say that you want to bow out gracefully, but you’re not sure how. All you know is that you want to stop the conversation without hurting the relationship or someone’s feelings.
But first, here’s an important thing for you to consider: “Why would stopping the conversation hurt the relationship?”
Knowing the “correct” answer to this question may not be as important as considering the possibilities.
Would the person feel rejected? Dismissed?
Is it about the loss of control?
Considering how and why stopping the conversation could hurt the relationship can help you end conversations with empathy. It can also show that you care about the person and the relationship.
Remember, every situation and every relationship is different. The culture of the relationship often dictates what’s most effective. Here are some ideas to get you started.
Preparing to Stop the Conversation
- Allow others to speak their mind and get their thoughts out. Resist the need to interrupt others to express your rebuttal or opinion.
- Own your need to exit the conversation.
- Be confident in your conversational boundaries (and why you have them).
- Value the relationship over the conversation.
If you want out of the conversation, you can start with:
“What you said leaves a lot to think about. I truly value this relationship, and I don’t want you to think I’m trying to just dismiss you or your thoughts, however…”
These words express that you heard them and that you value the relationship. It also shows empathy.:.
The reason for ending the conversation may determine what you say next.
Are you ending the conversation because…
- You have something else you need to do?
- It’s too emotional?
- Controversial topic?
- You don’t feel heard?
- __________ ? Fill in the blank
If so, you may finish the statement with:
“…I have a prior commitment, and I don’t want to be disrespectful to the people there.”
“…this conversation is more than I’m ready for right now. Will you respect my wishes to talk about something else?”
“… this type of conversation rarely ends well. Can we talk about something else?” (It helps to have another topic in your back pocket.)
“…can we talk about this when I’m in a better position to talk?”
The truth is, even though you might do everything in your power to be honest, empathetic, and kind, the other person can still feel hurt. But you can’t control how someone responds when you do what you believe is best for you and the relationship. All you can do is rest in knowing that you did your part. Hopefully, others can give you the space you need for your own well-being and let the conversation end on a good note.
Other blogs:
What to Do When You Disagree With Your Spouse
4 Ways to Have Difficult Conversations During the Holidays
What To Do When Your Family Disagrees About Politics – First Things First
The Good Conversationalist: The Basics (by Emily Post Etiquette)
10 Ways to Connect With Your Kids This Holiday Season
Staying connected as a family can be challenging during the holidays, especially after you factor in parties, school programs, family celebrations, and the everyday busyness of life. But don’t worry, connecting with your kids doesn’t have to be complicated!
Here are 10 ways to connect with your kids this holiday season:
1. Play games.
A lot is going on right now, but playing games with your kids is a great way to connect. Mom or Dad, let’s be honest: We can sometimes see this as an inconvenience. Most games are pretty quick, though, and your kids will appreciate the time you spend together. So break out the cards or board games, and let them win a little.
2. Include them in the holiday prep.
If your family is like mine, you’ve probably been going in 10 different directions. That’s a lot for kids to take in. And they want to be helpful. Let them help with baking and wrapping presents. If you’re hosting a party, they can help get the house and food ready.
3. What’s their favorite thing to do during the holidays?
There’s so much to do and so much fun to be had! Find out what your child loves to do and do it as a family. My oldest always wants to ice skate, so we’ll carve out some time after New Year’s to hit up an ice rink. Our youngest loves Christmas lights, so we take every opportunity to enjoy the lights.
4. Sing Christmas songs together.
Nothing says holidays like music. Let everyone pick out some songs and sing them together. Let the kids take the lead. Create a playlist for car rides. Maybe you can even go Christmas caroling!
5. Watch holiday movies together.
Grab some popcorn, ditch the electronics and watch some holiday classics. Maybe let each member of the family choose a favorite. A fun idea is to let everyone write movie titles on a slip of paper and drop them in a jar. Then you can randomly select and enjoy them together (without fighting over who goes first).
6. Try hot beverages together and teach them how to make their favorite.
You know what’s good on a cold day? A hot drink! Introduce your kids to a few different hot drinks and make them together. My 9-year-old loves to make hot chocolate with mini marshmallows and a candy cane. Get creative and help them discover what they like.
7. Set aside time to check in on them.
The holidays are hectic for everyone. Rushing from work parties to social parties to school events can be exhausting. Your kids feel it, too. Set aside some time to talk and see how they’re doing. Listening can help you connect deeply with your kids.
8. Make something special for others.
Our family has two holiday traditions that we look forward to every year. We make peppermint bark for our neighbors. The kids have transitioned from just delivering it to helping make it. They love to give. We also bake cookies for first responders on Christmas. They love to deliver these to the local fire or police department. Ask your kids what you can do as a family to give back to those around you.
9. Serve the community.
The holidays are a terrific time to give back. Contact local organizations to see if you can volunteer as a family. Try your local food bank, homeless shelter, or the Salvation Army if you’re unsure where to start. Or try one of our personal favorites: Clean up a local park or neighborhood.
10. Take a family day.
Most kids get a two-week break for the holidays. You may have travel plans and family gatherings that take up lots of that time. But take a day for just your family. Make it an adventure and let the kids help plan it.
I’ve found that the greatest gift I can give my kids is my time. We love creating memories together. They may not remember the presents you gave them, but they will cherish your presence and attention.
Other blogs:
How to Be an Emotionally Safe Parent
