8 Must-Have Conversations for Couples
How do you know if love will last? Some say you don’t, that it’s just the luck of the draw. Many believe that the more a couple has in common, the more likely they will be compatible over time. Others say, not so fast. With more than 40 years of love and relationship research under their belt, The Gottman Institute says that whether love will endure is about how couples address their differences and support one another’s needs and dreams. And it all starts with these 8 conversations for couples.
By studying thriving couple relationships, The Gottman Institute found that people connect and fall in love by talking.
John and Julie Gottman and their co-authors, Doug Abrams and Rachel Carlton Abrams, MD, discovered eight crucial conversations that couples need to have. These must-have conversations can help couples know that love will last or help rekindle a “lukewarm” passion. The authors made the topics into dates for the book, Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.
These conversation-based dates can potentially help couples increase understanding and commitment. It doesn’t matter how long they have been together.
The topics:
Trust and Commitment.
Trust is cherishing each other and showing your partner you’re reliable. Choosing commitment means accepting your partner as he or she is, despite their flaws. I mean, we’re all flawed in some way, right?
Conflict.
Like it or not, conflict is a part of every healthy relationship. There is a purpose behind it. And it’s a chance to take your relationship to a deeper level.
Sex and Intimacy.
Romantic, intimate rituals of connection keep a relationship happy and passionate. Couples who talk about sex have more sex. (Want to find out more? Read this: How to Have More Sex in Marriage.)
Work and Money.
Money issues usually aren’t about money at all. Instead, they are about what money means to each person. Who knew? Learning what money means to each person can help take your relationship to a totally different place.
Family.
It’s common for relationship satisfaction to decrease after you have a baby. And the more kids you have, the more that can happen. But it doesn’t have to! Couples who maintain their sexual relationship and learn how to manage conflict in a way that builds up their relationship can avoid this drop in relationship happiness. So, do what you can to keep sex healthy in your marriage.
Fun and Adventure.
People are often so busy “adulting” that they underestimate the importance of play and adventure in their relationships. They are vital components of a successful and joyful relationship. While couples may not agree on what constitutes play and adventure, learning more about the one you love can be part of the fun. Couples who play together really do have more fun.
Growth and Spirituality.
The only constant in a relationship is change. How each person supports the other partner is key. Relationships can be more than just two individuals coming together. They can be stories of transformation and great contribution and meaning to the world.
Dreams.
Honoring each other’s dreams is the secret ingredient to creating love for a lifetime. When dreams are honored, everything else in the relationship gets easier.
The Gottmans say that every strong relationship results from a never-ending conversation between partners.
This book about must-have conversations will guide you through how to talk and listen to each other well.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
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Thanksgiving a month early?? But why??? Well. My oldest son is now a college freshman… and the cost of travel (as well as his school schedule) made it impossible for us to celebrate Thanksgiving on the traditional 4th Thursday of November—so we did it early.
I’ve taught families through our parenting classes at First Things First for almost 10 years now. That means I’ve talked to thousands of people about the importance of creating new family traditions. This year, I actually had to put my money where my mouth was. I cleaned and shopped like it was nobody’s business, about a month ahead of everyone else! I may have spent a little more on food items. But I didn’t have to deal with the crowded conditions of grocery stores.
The weekend of our early celebration was also my Big Guy’s first visit home since we took him to college in NYC. I should have remembered that “the best-laid plans of Mice and Men go astray” because I was anxiously anticipating his arrival. And, of course, his plane was delayed 2 hours.
I was looking forward to spending time with him. I couldn’t wait to attend the regular Friday night football game at his alma mater. He reminded me that he wanted to play with the band for old times’ sake, so I had to take him to practice an hour and a half before the game. I saw him for a bit his first night home, from afar.
The next morning, I made plans for us to have a big breakfast and for me to send all my fellas (husband and 3 boys) off to experience the Vol Walk and Homecoming at the University of Tennessee in Knoxville. Well, remember that best-laid plans statement I mentioned earlier? Big Guy had a paper due on Saturday by 6PM, so there was no opportunity for male bonding. And I spent the entire day cleaning and prepping the meal for Sunday—which included turkey and all the traditional Southern fixings.
Finally, the morning of our big Thanksgiving celebration arrived. Friends and family filled our home and we had A BALL. We talked, laughed and enjoyed each other’s company. When it was over, I was mega-tired, but I wouldn’t change a thing.
I still celebrated Thanksgiving with my whole family.
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When to Talk to Your Kids About Sex
There’s a TV commercial showing a father and his very inquisitive daughter sharing a meal. Rapid-fire, she asks why the sky is blue, why zebras have stripes, if turtles like cheese, why she has fingerprints, etc. For each question, the dad gets a little help from an insurance agent who is seated right behind him. However, when the girl asks her dad where babies come from, the agent asks for his check and quickly disappears.
Where do babies come from?
That question can make adults squirm and respond with some creative answers. One answer even involves eating a watermelon seed that grows in mom’s belly. When one mom returned the question, her daughter replied, “When two people love each other, the dad buys a pumpkin seed and gives it to the mom. Then her stomach gets big like a pumpkin!”
It’s great that children are actually asking their parents for this information. While the topic might cause tremendous angst for some, there is no better person to answer than their parent. Instead of sidestepping the question or giving a crazy answer, use the opportunity to provide enough age-appropriate answers and muster enough boldness to encourage more questions in the future.
Many parents say they want to be the ones to teach their children about sex. Yet teen and young adult surveys show that’s not the case. TV and the internet are their top sources for information and ideas about sex. School, parents and peers are next on the list.
It’s great to start talking with your children about sex when they are young, even though some parents want to wait until their child brings it up.
If you cringe and have a deer-in-the headlights look at the thought of discussing sex, your child may believe the topic is off-limits. Experts say parents should start having age-appropriate conversations with their children around age 6.
At this stage, children are often curious about their bodies and why their body is different from their sibling’s. They may even be hearing things from other kids. It is important that children have accurate information from the person they should be able to trust: their parent. So take a deep breath and wade in the water.
Young children often ask where they came from. For starters, a parent can ask their child where they think they came from. The child might actually be asking where they were born. With a serious sigh of relief, that is easily answered. Another option for 5- and 6-year-olds is to read a book. Baby on the Way or Where Did I Come From? are good examples.
For elementary-age children, focus conversations on correctly naming sexual organs and private parts, personal boundaries, pregnancy and building healthy relationships. If they are old enough to ask questions, they are old enough to receive correct answers. Clarify the question and keep your answers age-appropriate, brief and simple. If they want to know more, they’ll usually ask. Don’t worry if you don’t have all the answers. You can always say, ”Let me get back to you about that,” then make sure that you do.
The thought of talking with your child about sex may cause your heart to race and your stomach to flutter. But remember, they are only asking because they are curious. Parents are their first and best teachers.
