3 Ways to Help Your Kids Launch
Getting your kids ready to launch is not easy. I remember it like it was yesterday. She bopped up to the front door of her new school in pigtails, all ready for her first day of kindergarten. After giving her a big hug, I walked back to the car with leaky eyes, feeling all the feels.
I was excited for our daughter’s new adventure, but I knew the page had turned and things would be different from that point forward. Beyond knowing numbers, letters and how to spell an 11-letter last name, I hoped we had given her a fierce sense of adventure and thirst for learning that would serve her well through the years.
Fast forward to 2010. There I was again, except this time the drop-off was different. She was actually moving into a dorm and we were driving home. Wasn’t this the goal, to work ourselves out of a job? I mean, this is what we’d been preparing her for throughout her life, right? As we drove away, my eyes started leaking again. I thought about all we tried to instill in her from the time she entered kindergarten to high school graduation, in between eye rolls, heavy sighs and being “the only parents who… (you fill in the blank)” and I wondered what actually did sink in. Once again, I found myself praying we’d prepared her for the road ahead.
Whether your child is heading off to kindergarten or launching from the nest, letting go can be hard. Sometimes it can feel like a real identity crisis, especially since the focus has been on the children for so many years. Now it’s time to pull back a bit and let them gain their footing.
If this is a first for you, here are some things to help you navigate how to help your kids launch.
- Remind yourself that one of the ultimate goals of parenting is launch. If you need a little motivation, just think about the alternative: a 30-year-old sitting on your couch, playing video games day and night.
- Get busy. In the midst of perhaps a tinge of identity crisis, think about all of the things you wanted to do over the years, but never had the time or energy because you were focused on your children’s needs. The silence at home can initially be deafening, but finding something to do with the additional time on your hands can soften the blow of coming home to an empty house. It can also help you avoid second-guessing your parenting and whether or not you have given your child what it takes to be successful.
- Connect with parents who are a bit beyond you in the parenting journey. Don’t look for perfect parents, though. Instead, look for the ones who haven’t been afraid to let their kids fly, fail and fly again. It’s encouraging to know parenting isn’t about perfection, but about being present and allowing your children to learn and grow into the person they are called to be.
Just last week my daughter reminded me that she’s 25 and she’s good.
I laughed on the outside, but on the inside, maybe not so much. Don’t get me wrong: I love that she is living her life and being responsible, but I think even when your kids are grown, you still look out for them and want the best for them. During a conversation with a dad a few weeks ago about adult children, he said, “Once a parent, always a parent.” That statement is definitely true, but how you engage is very different. Hopefully, your adult child doesn’t need you as much, but they’ll want to be around you because they enjoy your company.
Looking for more resources? Watch this episode of JulieB TV for an in-depth look on this topic!
Joanie Sompayrac has taught college students for more than two decades. She began to notice a change in her students about 10 years ago, and she has a few things to say about raising decisive adults.
“I enjoy teaching and I love my students,” says Sompayrac. “The last 10 years have been really interesting as I have watched students move away from being independent thinkers not afraid to speak their mind. I used to ask questions in class and students would be eager to answer. Today they are terrified to be wrong.
“I have students in my class who are terrible at accounting. I ask them why they are majoring in it and they say, ‘Because my parents told me to,’ not because they are passionate about the subject. They have bought into the notion that their parents know best.”
Sompayrac isn’t alone. Colleges across the country are experiencing this same phenomenon. As a result, Julie Lythcott-Haims, former Stanford University dean of freshmen, began to research the surprising trend. You can read about in her book,How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success.
“Parents are applauding kids at every turn just for showing up versus when they accomplish something,” says Lythcott-Haims. “They are constructing play through play dates. When kids have been raised like this, it is not a surprise that, as young adults, they are still looking for their parents’ approval, direction and protection in college and the world of work.
“The students were becoming less independent as parents increased control over their children’s lives,” she says. “I noticed that too many students weren’t trying to get their parents off their back; they were relieved to have their parents do the hard work.”
While both believe that parents mean well in their attempts to help, neither Lythcott-Haims or Sompayrac believes this kind of parental engagement ultimately helps the students.
“When college students have no idea how to think for themselves, problem-solve and be critical thinkers, that is not a good thing,” Sompayrac contends. “When parents choose their child’s major, intervene in resolving roommate issues or contact a professor about a grade, they are depriving their child of the opportunity to figure it out for themselves. Yet these are the very experiences that help young people build confidence, make mistakes, experience consequences, pick themselves back up and keep going.”
So, how can you be helpful without being overbearing? Lythcott-Haims offers these tips:
- Accept that it’s not about you, it’s about your kid.
- Notice who your kid actually is, what they’re good at and what they love.
- Explore diagnostic tools such as StrengthsFinder to help your kid discover what energizes them.
- Express interest and be helpful.
- Know when to push forward; know when to pull back.
- Help them find mentors outside the home.
- Prepare them for the hard work to come.
- Don’t do too much for them.
- Have your own purpose.
Perhaps the greatest way you can start raising decisive adults is to stop hovering, encourage independent thinking and help them fulfill their calling in life.
Looking for more resources? Watch this episode of JulieB TV for an in-depth look on this topic!
“I remember going home from college for Christmas my freshman year,” says Akeyla Madison. “I had been on my own for five months and felt good about how I was doing. When I arrived home, I was surprised to found out I would be sharing a room with my sister who is six years younger than me because my room had been turned into a storage room. I’m pretty sure my mom didn’t think that would be a big deal.
“My mom also wanted to know where I was, who I was with and what I was doing. I felt smothered and honestly couldn’t wait to get back to college and my freedom.”
While parents and family members are excited to see their college kids come home for the holidays, the transition can be complicated for everybody, especially if expectations are not clear on the front end.
“I didn’t know ahead of time I would be sharing a room with my little sister,” Madison remembers. “Because there was such an age difference, it made me uncomfortable. My mom didn’t want me staying out late because she was afraid I would wake up my sister when I came home. We survived each other, but it wasn’t pretty.”
Her sophomore year, Madison decided to try something different. She called her grandmother who lived close by and asked to stay with her over the winter break.
“That worked out a lot better on so many levels,” Madison says. “My mom and I got along better. There was no tension between my sister and me, and I think we all enjoyed the holidays more.”
Madison is now preparing to graduate. When asked how she would advise parents and students preparing for their first trip home from college, she shared the following:
Communication is critical.
Everybody needs to talk about expectations for being together before the break begins. Talk about the family plans and ask your young adult about their plans for the holidays. If you expect them to be at certain events, be clear about that. Discuss expectations for helping out around the house, their friends coming over to visit, food in the refrigerator, coming and going, meals, etc. These things can create unnecessary drama due to unspoken expectations on both sides.
Flexibility is a good thing.
Being away at school has allowed your young adult to use many of the skills you taught them at home, but coming back home is an adjustment for everybody. If the parents and college student are willing to adjust, things will probably go a lot better. It’s important to remember that the family has created their own new normal without the college student and the student has probably grown in their independence – which is the ultimate goal, right? Just because they return home does not mean things will or even should revert back to the way they were before they left. Some students choose to earn extra spending money for the next semester. This can throw a monkey wrench into holiday plans as well.
Mutual respect goes a long way.
When learning to dance a new dance, it’s easy for everyone involved to get frustrated or say and do things they will ultimately regret. Respecting each other while trying to work things out goes a long way. For the college student, it means realizing you aren’t company. Expecting people to wait on you hand and foot and make adjustments based on everything you want to do isn’t realistic or respectful. For everybody, you still have to respect what you don’t understand.
“Looking back, I realize I felt more like an adult, but my mom saw me as just 18 and had the life experience to know all that could potentially go wrong,” Madison recalls. “That created tension between the two of us. At this point I think I have a better understanding of why my mom was concerned and I can clearly see that she wanted the best for me. I think if we had actually done the things listed above, the transition would have been smoother for both of us.
“Believe it or not, most of the time we really are paying attention to the things you say and are teaching us. We may do some stupid things along the way, but for the most part we want you to see that we are capable.”
Early in their marriage Susan and Scott* wanted to please both of their families when it came to how they spent time together over the holidays. Her mom wanted them to celebrate Thanksgiving with her. His mom celebrated Christmas on Christmas Eve, so her mom requested Christmas Day at her house.
Despite some angst over changing things up with family holiday traditions, it worked fairly well… until their first child came along. Then they realized traveling late on Christmas Eve might not be the best thing for their family. Once again, they wondered how to deal with tradition.
After negotiating, Susan and Scott decided to stay home for Christmas. Anybody who wanted to join the celebration was welcome. While not without its challenges, this adjustment to tradition held for a number of years—even as siblings married and added more in-laws into the mix.
Now Scott and Susan’s children are adults with jobs and lives of their own. Once again, Susan and Scott find themselves in a situation where what has worked in the past for holiday celebrations doesn’t seem to fit their current needs. While their parents still want time with them, Susan and Scott also want to celebrate with their own children. Except now, their grown kids only have the actual holiday off.
How can they be considerate of everyone as they plan to spend time with the ones they love?
Changing family holiday traditions can be complicated, and trying to please everyone can create a stressful holiday season for sure. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a clear understanding of how families can easily transition from one phase to the next?
Since that’s not the case, here are some suggestions for navigating change and experiencing a special holiday season, no matter what stage of life you are in:
- Instead of pressuring your grown children to keep things the way they have always been, give them the flexibility they need.
- Communication is key. Many misunderstandings surrounding the holidays happen because family members base their decisions on assumptions. Instead of being silent, request a family conference call or send out an email telling family members that you can adapt or adjust if necessary.
- Take responsibility for your own emotions. Change is often difficult. The older you get, the more you realize you have limited time on earth. Although you want to spend more time with family members, they often have busy lives of their own. Acknowledging these feelings is important, and connecting with friends in a similar situation can help.
- If you are the younger generation, recognize that holiday celebrations/traditions tend to be filled with emotion for everyone. While you’re trying to juggle everything, be patient with your extended family.
- Even if being there on the actual holiday isn’t possible, make it a point to celebrate at a different time.
It can be easy to get all worked up about what everyone expects from you during the holidays. Take a deep breath. Remind yourself that family members are probably not intentionally seeking to complicate your life. Spend time talking with your spouse and/or family to brainstorm possibilities. Then build a plan that works best, knowing that everybody may not be 100 percent pleased with the end result.
Looking for more? Watch this episode of JulieB TV on this topic!
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
The Value of Father-Daughter Relationships
Beth, a 26-year-old secretary was in a particularly good mood. She was actually glowing when a friend asked if her boyfriend had proposed to her.
“Her response took me by surprise,” says Ken Canfield, author of Seven Secrets of Effective Fathers and The Heart of a Father. “She told me her father initiated a phone call to her for the first time in a very long time. I noticed she had flowers on her desk and I asked who sent her flowers.
“With a huge smile, she told me her dad sent them to her for her birthday. Beth’s response to her father’s attention made me realize something. Even grown women hunger for love, attention and affirmation from their father.”
Research from Canterbury and Vanderbilt Universities shows that from birth on, a father’s activity and presence uniquely benefits their daughters.
“Many men operate off of the premise that if they were uninvolved in their daughter’s life as she was growing up, it is too late to make a difference,” Canfield says. “Thinking that the die is cast or the deal is done because our children are grown is something we must re-examine. It simply is not true. In a parallel vein, research shows the devastating impact of divorce affects adult children deeply. Contrastingly, the continued investment in your child’s life even when they are parents of your grandchildren will reap tremendous benefits for you and them.”
Studies reveal that men tend to spend more time with their sons than they do with their daughters. In fact, fathers tend to back away from the father-daughter relationship during pre-adolescence and adolescence. However, a girl’s need for attention and affection during that time period is even more important.
“When a father abandons a relationship with his daughter, she can become frozen in time relationally with the opposite sex,” Canfield says. “A 50-year-old woman may look like an adult, but on the inside she is still working on issues that should have been attended to by a healthy, engaged father.”
Based on research, we know a few more things about these relationships. Without a healthy relationship with their father, girls will find other ways to contribute to their development when it comes to relating to men.
“When you are frozen relationally, it is difficult to know your place and how to develop a healthy relationship. It’s because you are working from a point of need instead of working out of a position of co-equal,” Canfield says. “There is a void in her life. The search to fill that void prompts her to take risks in relationships, which usually result in some really poor choices.”
According to Canfield, limitless healing and restoration can take place in father-daughter relationships. Here are Canfield’s tips:
- Initiate communication with your adult daughter. Affirm her for the positive contributions she has made to your life or in the lives of others.
- Consider asking for forgiveness. The three toughest things for fathers to say are: “I was wrong, I am sorry, and will you forgive me?” Use these to deepen your relationship with your daughter.
- Ask your daughter for three ways you can support her in the coming year.
- Ask your child’s mother (who is an adult daughter) to describe how her father influenced her most significantly.
- Affirm your daughter’s femininity by being sensitive to her emotional highs and lows.
Cultivate an atmosphere of “no-strings-attached” love in your home. Be ready to listen to and support your children in every challenge.
Young Adults Living with Their Parents
Do you remember your young adult years? You know, the times when you ate Ramen noodles and searched for spare change beneath the couch cushions and between the car seats because you were a starving student or just starting a new job.
There is nothing like knowing you are just barely making it – but still surviving – on your own. Looking back, you may realize those hard years helped you appreciate what you now have.
The landscape looks vastly different than it did twenty years ago.
According to a 2016 Pew Research Center report, more 18- to 34-year-olds are living with their parents.
Researchers speculate this is fueled in large part by the number of people choosing to put off marriage.
If you think back to your teenage years, most teens couldn’t wait to be out on their own. Even if they didn’t have a job, they were determined to prove they could make it independently. So why are so many young adults choosing to live at home these days?
In The Many Reasons More Young Adults Are Living with their Parents, Naomi Schaefer Riley, a weekly columnist for the New York Post whose writing leans toward higher education, religion, philanthropy and culture, raises this question: Are parents doing enough to equip their children to leave the nest?
She surmises that young Americans may be living in their parent’s basement in part because they don’t have the economic or social tools to set out on their own. In a desire to protect and love their children and to shield them from experiencing potential problems in the world, parents may be unintentionally creating more obstacles for them.
This raises some important questions for parents to consider as they prepare their children to leave the nest.
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Are you teaching your teens how to develop networks or do you encourage them to rely solely on your networks? Guiding them through the process of building their own network is a powerful step toward independence.
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Do you allow your child to fail and learn from their mistakes? Or, do you take care of the consequences so they don’t have to experience the pain? Figuring out how to move forward in spite of failure builds confidence.
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Does your teen understand the definition of and the value of a good work ethic? Employers constantly lament many young people’s understanding of punctuality or being respectful and motivated to do a good job.
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Have you encouraged your teen to find a job without doing it for them? It’s important to teach your teen how to look someone in the eye and put their cellphone away. Help them learn how to dress appropriately and what questions an interviewer may ask. These things are far more helpful for your teen in the long run than if you pick up the phone and make a call for them.
Except for special circumstances such as disability, emergencies or providing care to parents, is allowing adult children to live at home really the best thing for them?
Part of launching into adulthood is learning how to navigate challenges and celebrate accomplishments. As hard as it may be, encourage them to learn the meaning of perseverance, relentless pursuit and independence.
The Second Half of Marriage
When the kids leave the nest and are almost off the payroll, that second half of marriage is within sight. You finally have time to breathe. But suddenly you have questions…
- What in the heck will we do with the second half of our marriage?
- How will we handle the challenges of aging parents? Crises with the children or unexpected medical issues?
- What about retirement, finances and the like?
While some couples look forward to the years ahead, others feel trapped. They’re unhappy in a marriage that is less than fulfilling… they wonder if this is all there is. For them, the idea of the second half is quite scary.
So… what does a thriving marriage look like in the later years?
Gary Chapman and Harold Myra interviewed “second half” couples for their book, Married and Still Loving It: The Joys and Challenges of the Second Half. They found few couples who had escaped the unexpected challenges of life. However, some traits appeared to be significant between marriages that flourish in the second half and those that don’t. Laughter and acceptance, resilience and faith seemed to make the difference.
Whether the second half is just around the corner or you find yourself dreaming about it, you can prepare for it now. Chapman and Myra quote Swiss psychiatrist Paul Tournier’s book, The Adventure of Living:
“To make a success of one’s marriage, one must treat it as an adventure, with all the riches and difficulties that are involved in an adventure shared with another person.”
Even if your marriage is stuck in a rut, you can turn it into an adventure.
After years of marriage, it’s easy to focus on the differences between you and your spouse. But these differences aren’t necessarily bad things. The key is to figure out how to make your differences assets instead of liabilities.
Thriving couples learned to accept their spouse and were even able to laugh about their differences. This goes a long way in finding fulfillment in your marriage. Chapman writes, “While differences can be deadly, they can also be delightful.”
What about the kids?
While many couples have terrific relationships with their adult children, others encounter one crisis after another. Chapman and Myra encourage these parents to maintain a balance between self-preservation and self-sacrifice. Many marriages suffer when they become so focused on helping the children that they lose themselves. Don’t be afraid to seek professional help to overcome these challenges together.
Despite encountering unexpected job loss, illness, family crises and difficulty adjusting to retirement, thriving second-half couples kept putting one foot in front of the other. Their commitment to marriage enabled them to stand together through life’s ups and downs.
And finally, these thriving couples said their faith was central to it all. That includes working through personality differences and all of the other challenges they have faced.
Although you might be anxious about what the future holds in the second half of marriage, Chapman and Myra encourage couples to embrace the challenge and to enter this season with great anticipation.
Other blogs:
How to Find a Counselor Who Will Fight for Your Marriage
7 Ways to Deal With Adult Children Who Make Poor Decisions
Marriage Course: Understand Your Spouse & Deepen Your Relationship
Looking for more? Check out this episode of JulieB TV on this topic!
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
What’s My Risk for Divorce?
I was in my late 20s and Jay was 30 when we decided to marry. Both of us are children of divorce. I also had a lot of debt from putting myself through college, and I loved Jay and totally thought he was “the one.” But, I would be lying if I told you I didn’t have some anxiety about what might happen to us in the future. I had heard the statistics about the chances of divorce and felt like we were entering into marriage with the odds stacked against us in some ways.
At the time, I worked in mental health care. I remember asking one of my colleagues if he would consider doing some premarital work with us. With eyebrows raised, he said, “What for? Are you having problems already?” Even Jay looked at me quizzically when I mentioned we should sit down with someone who could help us prepare for the journey.
I didn’t know it then, but although we had risk factors for divorce, we actually had a lot more going for us than against us.
Experts studying marriage and divorce through the years found there are some factors that significantly decrease your chances of divorce.
For example:
- Those who marry after age 18 have a 24 percent reduced risk of divorce.
- Only 27 percent of college graduates will divorce by middle age.
- Having still-married parents reduces divorce risk by 14 percent.
- Having a combined income of $50,000 or more is associated with a 30 percent lower divorce risk.
- Those with a strong shared faith who attend services regularly are 47 percent less likely to divorce.
- Couples who participate in premarital preparation are generally up to 30 percent less likely to divorce.
- Having one’s first child after marriage can reduce one’s divorce risk by 24 to 66 percent.
There are some factors that place couples at higher risk for divorce.
For instance:
- Couples who disagree on whether or not to have children are at considerably higher risk of divorce.
- Being previously divorced markedly increases one’s risk for divorce.
- Having divorced parents.
Looking back over our many years of marriage, neither one of us would say it has been challenge-free.
From raising a precocious, strong-willed child to brain surgery, job transitions, death of parents, financial concerns and more, the struggle is real. But, realizing that we’ve endured all of those things together has made us stronger.
If you asked us how we did it, we would say that the premarital preparation definitely helped us look at our potential areas of risk and talk about them instead of putting our heads in the sand. That was a good thing.
Our faith has certainly played a role. Surrounding ourselves with people who believed in our marriage has been helpful. Honestly, choosing intentionality and commitment to the relationship has also been huge. It gives us the freedom to be angry, scared, sad, or hurt, and to know that our marriage is a safe place where we can be real with each other. That makes all the difference.