A Healthy Relationship Equals Freedom to Be Yourself

As we just celebrated America’s 250th birthday, I found myself thinking about freedom.

Not just the big, beautiful idea of it, but the everyday reality of it. We enjoy freedom of speech, but that freedom depends on people using their words with some measure of truth, courage and restraint. We enjoy freedom of religion, but that freedom depends on neighbors respecting one another’s conscience, even when they disagree. We enjoy the freedom to vote, build businesses, raise families, move across state lines, gather in public, protest peacefully and pursue the kind of life we believe is meaningful.

But none of those freedoms work very well if people refuse to consider how their choices affect everyone else.

Freedom is not just the ability to do whatever we want. It is the responsibility to make choices that allow both ourselves and others to flourish.

And, of course, as someone who spends a lot of time thinking about healthy relationships and families, my mind went there next.

Because the joy and freedom found in a healthy relationship are also deeply dependent on the people inside it. A good relationship is not one where two people slowly become the same person. It is not one where every opinion, plan, hobby, friendship and decision must be approved by a committee. And it is certainly not one where “I love you” quietly turns into “I can’t function unless you are okay with me.”

A healthy relationship is something much better and harder. It is two people learning how to belong to each other without disappearing into each other.

Relationship researchers have been studying this tension for decades. Self-determination theory, developed by psychologists Edward Deci and Richard Ryan, says human beings need three things to thrive: autonomy, competence and relatedness. In plain English, we need to feel like we have some say over our lives, we are capable, and we are meaningfully connected to others. The interesting part is that autonomy and connection are not enemies. In fact, studies applying self-determination theory to romantic relationships find that people tend to have stronger relationships when both partners feel supported in being themselves.

That may sound obvious, but it is easy to get wrong. Some couples confuse closeness with sameness. They assume love means doing everything together, agreeing on everything, or never making a decision without checking in first. But research on autonomy and relatedness suggests the best relationships are not built on control. They are built on mutual consideration. One study published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin (PSPB) found that people were more likely to respond constructively to a partner when they felt both connected and free.

In other words, we are often better partners when we do not feel trapped.

This is also where codependency gets tricky. Codependency can look like devotion from the outside. It can sound sweet to say, “I just want whatever you want.” But over time, a relationship where one or both people constantly ignore their own needs, friendships, preferences or convictions can become less like love and more like emotional oxygen deprivation. Healthy love says, “Your life matters to me.” Codependent love says, “Your life is responsible for mine.”

The healthiest couples seem to practice a rhythm of “me, you and us.”

There is room for my interests, your interests and the life we are building together. Arthur and Elaine Aron’s self-expansion model helps explain why this matters. Their research suggests that close relationships can help people grow by exposing them to new ideas, experiences and parts of themselves. A spouse may introduce you to hiking, jazz, gardening, a new food or a different way of seeing the world. But self-expansion does not mean self-erasure. The goal is not to become a copy of your partner. The goal is to become more fully alive because of the relationship.

So what does it look like to freely be yourself in a committed relationship?

It looks like being able to say what you think without fearing punishment. It looks like having separate friendships without suspicion. It looks like taking your partner into account without asking them to become your conscience. It looks like saying, “I care how this affects you,” and also, “I am still responsible for my own choices.” It looks like celebrating the fact that one of you loves a quiet Saturday morning and the other comes alive around people. It looks like curiosity instead of constant correction.

Marriage can strengthen this freedom, but it does not automatically create it. Studies often find that married adults report higher levels of happiness, trust, closeness and life satisfaction than cohabiting or unmarried adults, including Pew Research Center’s surveys and analyses on marriage and cohabitation. But research is careful here: marriage itself is not magic. A controlling marriage can shrink a person.

A respectful marriage can give a person steadiness, support and courage.

The best marriage is not a cage with nicer furniture. It is a home base. It is the place where two people are deeply committed, regularly considerate and still free to grow. Not free from responsibility, but free from fear. Not free to ignore each other, but free to become themselves together.

Maybe that is one of love’s greatest gifts. Not “You complete me,” but “You help me become more whole.”

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First. Contact her at lauren@firstthings.org