A few weeks ago, I found myself standing in a room full of college students talking about relationships. Some were engaged. Some were dating someone seriously. A few were still figuring out what they wanted.
At one point, someone raised their hand and asked a question that made the whole room quiet.
“How do you know when to talk about marriage in a relationship?”
It’s a question many young adults wrestle with today. And in truth, it’s not really about timing. It’s about clarity.
Instead of answering the question directly, I asked them a different one.
Why do you want to get married in the first place?
What kind of spouse do you want to be? What kind of marriage do you want to build?
Those questions matter much more than the calendar. Because the healthiest relationships tend to grow out of shared values and intentional choices, not simply the passage of time.
Much of this idea comes from the work of University of Denver psychologist Scott Stanley, who has spent decades studying commitment in romantic relationships. Stanley describes two ways couples move through major relationship milestones: they either slide into them or they decide.
Sliding happens when couples drift from one stage to the next without much conversation. They start dating, spend more time together, move in together, and gradually build a shared life without clearly talking about long-term commitment.
Deciding looks different. It involves deliberate conversations and thoughtful choices about the future.
Stanley and his colleagues describe this pattern in research published in the journal Family Relations. They found that when couples slide into major transitions, especially living together, it can create what researchers call “inertia.” Shared leases, routines, and finances can make it harder to step back and evaluate whether the relationship is truly the right long-term fit.
The point is that intentionality before commitment matters.
Relationships tend to be stronger when commitment grows from thoughtful decisions rather than momentum.
That message resonated with the students in the room. Many of them weren’t confused about love. They were confused about how to move forward with purpose.
Their uncertainty reflects a broader shift happening across the country.
Marriage still matters to many young adults, but the timeline has changed dramatically. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the median age for first marriage is now about 32 for men and 29 for women, nearly eight years older than it was in 1990.
At the same time, fewer Americans are marrying at all. Researchers at the Pew Research Center report that marriage rates among adults under 30 have fallen steadily over the past several decades.
Economic realities are part of the story. Student loan debt, housing costs, and longer educational paths have delayed many traditional milestones of adulthood. Researchers studying life transitions have found that fewer young adults today reach markers such as stable employment, homeownership, and marriage by their late twenties compared with previous generations.
But economics isn’t the whole picture.
Expectations for marriage have also evolved.
In earlier generations, marriage often provided financial stability and a clear social structure. Today, young adults tend to look for something deeper. They want emotional compatibility, shared values, and a partner who feels like a true teammate in life.
Sociologists Andrew Cherlin and others have described this shift as the rise of the “soulmate model” of marriage, where the relationship is expected to provide both companionship and personal fulfillment.
That’s a much higher bar and requires more preparation than previous generations needed.
The students I spoke with weren’t struggling because they lacked opportunities to date. What many of them lacked was clarity about themselves. They were still figuring out what mattered most to them, family, faith, career, lifestyle, or future goals.
Developmental psychologists often describe the late teens and twenties as a stage called emerging adulthood, a period when people are exploring identity and long-term direction. Jeffrey Arnett, whose research on emerging adulthood appears in the journal American Psychologist, describes this stage as a time when young people are learning who they are before settling into permanent commitments.
So it’s not surprising that big relationship decisions feel complicated.
And yet what struck me most that evening was how much these young adults still wanted strong relationships.
They weren’t cynical about marriage. They simply wanted to approach it thoughtfully.
Research suggests that preparation can make a meaningful difference.
Studies on premarital education led by Scott Stanley and other relationship scholars have found that couples who learn communication skills, conflict management strategies, and commitment principles before marriage often report stronger and more stable relationships later on.
But preparation for marriage doesn’t begin with engagement rings or wedding planning.
It begins much earlier—with self-reflection.
Young adults benefit from understanding their own values before trying to merge their lives with someone else’s. They benefit from learning how to talk openly about the future. And perhaps most importantly, they benefit from seeing healthy relationships modeled in the adults around them.
Those lessons shape expectations long before a proposal ever enters the picture.
One of the most freeing ideas we discussed that evening was this: dating doesn’t have to be an urgent search for someone to marry.
Instead, it can be something simpler. Dating can be a process of discovering alignment.
Finding someone who treats you with respect. Someone whose values make sense to you. Someone whose vision for life looks similar to your own.
When that kind of alignment appears, conversations about commitment tend to happen naturally, not because the clock is ticking, but because both people can see the same future beginning to take shape.
And when that happens, the decision to move forward together becomes much clearer.
Not because you slid into it. But because you chose it.
Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First. Contact her at lauren@firstthings.org
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