Tag Archive for: Social Media

I Found Something on My Teen’s Phone… Now What?

It’s coming. You know it’s coming. Eleven is the magic number. By age 11, 93% of boys and 62% of girls have been exposed to pornographic material. Go ahead and get your mind right before you find it. And if you have found something on your teens phone, stick with me.

The moment of truth as a parent hit me like a ton of bricks. Tenth grade boy whom we were serving as custodial guardian had made a mistake. (We’ll call him Jackson.) He’d accidentally left his screen on some cartoon porn. Graphics, animation, sex, all right there behind his glass screen. And that’s when it truly hit me. As a man, as a father, as a teacher, as a mentor.

It didn’t matter that we previously discussed proper use of technology. Or that he told me prior that he did looked at porn, that he was regularly involved in “wholesome” activities. It didn’t matter that he was making the honor roll. Curiosity had caught up to him.

I didn’t want Jackson to be part of 73% of kids under 18 viewing porn.

It was fortunate that he was not present when I saw it. I had some time to gather my thoughts and strategize. I mentally traveled the journey from, “I can’t believe he’s looking at this trash”, to “I’m so disappointed in him” to “What is the end goal that I’m looking for?” to “What is my role in helping him?” to finally, “What worked for me when I got busted?”

This mental journey allowed me to quickly move my thoughts of him from anger that this was in my house – to “This is a mile marker in his journey to adulthood. It is part of growing up that simply has to be addressed.” We want porn to have a minimal effect on him and his ability to have safe and healthy relationships. We don’t want porn to impact how he performs academically. Bottom line, we don’t want pornography to get in the way of being the best person that he could be.

All this was important because it gave me the opportunity to approach him with a peaceful, solution-driven mindset that was not filled with reactions of fear and parental insecurity. To a degree, it was life. And as things happen in life, we look at them head-on and deal with them.

So the next day I approached him. And after a few pleasantries about how things were going, I asked him directly, “Have you been looking at pornography?”

And, as I’m sure the majority of teenagers would do, he stopped, took a deep breath, looked at me, and clearly and succinctly said, “No.” Lying 101. He stayed calm and only answered the questions I asked. Note: He later majored in Theatre.

I responded in as calm a voice as I could muster, “If you did, understand that I wouldn’t be upset. It’s something I’ve had to deal with before. And since I’ve dealt with it before, I know better than to assume you haven’t yourself.”

Of course, I thought I was doing well. I had the right mindset. Was in a calm tone. I was in control. Felt like I was focusing on creating an atmosphere for honesty.

Jackson, our future theatre major who was acting a tad irritated because he was feeling accused, without looking at me this time again said, “No. Thanks though. If I ever do I’ll tell you.”

Stay calm Reggie. You are being lied to and patronized.

I looked at him and said, “I saw some cartoon pornography on your screen yesterday. What was that about?” Evidence presented. Solid testimony on my part. Not even the future actor should be able to wiggle out of this one.

His response, which, sad to say, I should’ve seen coming, but I didn’t, “Sometimes these things pop up on my screen and it must have popped up afterwards.”

Impressive. I don’t know if he was just that prepared with his script or if it was all improv.

What I did next was just a gut feel. There are many different opinions and advice on how to move forward. But what I did next worked. I bet you want to know what I did, don’t you…? Check out the next blog, I’ll finish the story. Just kidding.

Seriously though, I put it on him to make a decision.

I said, “Look, I don’t know what kind of person, what kind of man you want to grow up to be. But I think, correct me if I’m wrong, that you want to be a man of integrity, respect, honor, and one who can have amazing sex one day who is not living with shame and guilt from decisions that you have made in your past. If I’m wrong, then it is what it is. But if not, I ask that you don’t let pride, stubbornness or fear of mistakes cause a domino effect. If you did look or ever find yourself looking at porn, talk to me. No judgment, no punishment. I may even be able to help. If not, then keep making wise decisions and you’ll be all the better for it.” I dropped the mic and left the room.

That was risky. I let him lie to me. I let him think he’s getting away with it.

But I challenged his character and called him to greatness. So how do I know it worked? The next day, I get home from work and there’s a letter on my bed explaining that he had been struggling with pornography and that he lied because he thought he could deal with it himself and he wasn’t sure how I’d react. It also said, “I do want your help.”

This led to regular conversations about what he was looking at, safety controls on any technological devices he had access to and boundaries to when he was using any form of technology.  But that’s not how I know it worked. A couple of years later, I get a phone call from a friend of his who I happened to know. He started the conversation with, “I’ve been struggling with pornography, and Jackson told me that when he lived with you he dealt with the same thing and you helped him get through it. He told me that I should call you.”

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How to Capture Your Child’s Memories

A young man burst into the medical office, walked right around the counter and grabbed my wife. This rude interloper hugged her tightly, crying, saying “I love you so much, Mom!” My wife was shocked and then delighted and touched. They had a wonderful, spontaneous, tear-filled moment right there in her office in front of staff and patients. This is certainly not typical teenage boy behavior. What prompted this sudden outpouring of emotion and affection from my teenage son?

The dots are actually easy to connect. A little earlier, he stopped by my office after class. I showed him the journal that my wife kept about him during his childhood to preserve her child’s memories. My son spent about an hour reading this journal and all of the memories that it had captured. Then he stuffed it in his backpack and promptly left my office and drove straight to my wife’s workplace to express his love and appreciation. A notebook sparked all of this.

For each of our five children, my wonderful wife kept a little notebook where she jotted down anecdotes, funny quotes, little moments, and dreams.

You know all the things that you think you will always remember as a parent but the sad reality is that they get lost to time? She really has them. Moments catalogued and dated. They are a treasure. They are a time capsule of a parent’s love and devotion. These journals stir up nostalgia, laughter, and tears. They’re a perfect visual for your child’s memories.

When I think about social media and how parents post about their kids, I can’t help but wonder if these digital memories will have the same impact as my wife’s journals. In fact, I think there is a generation of kids that are going to be upset when they get older – “Mom, I can’t believe you put THAT on Facebook!”

One of the biggest differences between social media and my wife’s journals is that the journals are strictly between my wife and kids.

The journals are incredibly personal and intimate. Social media is a digital stage that invites the world to judge and validate moments through likes, shares, and comments. Sometimes I wonder what really is motivating parents to post some of what gets shared on social media…

What I love the best about these journals is that they represent a legacy. Unlike the internet, they are tangible and concrete. They can be built upon and perhaps passed on to the next generation so a grandchild or great-grandchild is connecting with preceding generations that are long gone. It preserves my child’s memories. I’m so grateful that my wife invested the time into these journals and into my children. Her example makes me wonder what I am passing down to my children.

A watch, a military medal, letters, photo albums – little tokens infused with meaning and significance that become the connective tissue from one generation to the next. Totems that represent a legacy. Whatever the item, it only has meaning because of the relationship built around it. I wonder how many items in estate sales were meant to be treasured and passed down instead of sold to the highest bidder?

What are you passing down to your kids?

  • Journal or notebook filled with thoughts and memories
  • Letters that you write that you don’t give your child until they are 18
  • An album of photographs of you and your child
  • A collection of “found items” from places you’ve been- napkins, coasters, knick-knacks
  • Something that’s been passed down to you that you have talked to your child about and made meaningful to them

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Boys and Porn

In Dr. Phil Zimbardo’s TED (Technology, Entertainment and Design) talk about the demise of guys, he states that boys are flaming out academically and wiping out socially with girls and sexually with women.

In response to Zimbardo’s talk, Dr. Gary Wilson explains why guys are flaming out and what we can do about it. He bases his reasoning on years of research concerning the neuroscience of reward, sex and bonding.

According to Wilson, most boys seek porn by age 10. At that age, a brain that is suddenly fascinated by sex drives the boys. Thanks to high-speed internet, boys have access to unending novelty. The boy’s brain releases dopamine with each new image, and he will keep going as long as he can keep clicking.

Eventually, the brain wires itself to everything associated with porn such as: being alone, constant clicking, voyeurism, shock and surprise – instead of learning about real sex, which involves interaction with a real person, courtship, commitment, touching, being touched and emotional connection.

Porn Is A Serious Addiction for Boys

In 2009, a Canadian researcher attempting to study the impact of porn could not find any college males who weren’t using porn, so he had no control group for his research. He asked 20 male students who had been using porn for at least a decade if they thought porn was affecting them or their relationships with women. All of them said they didn’t think so. However, many of these males were dealing with social anxiety, performance anxiety, depression and concentration problems.

“Of all the activities on the internet, porn has the most potential to be addictive,” says Wilson. “Everything in the porn user’s life is boring except porn.”

Interestingly, there are thousands of men, young and old, who are giving up porn. Why? Because it is killing their sexual performance.

A guy in his 20s reports, “I have been to psychologists and psychiatrists off and on for the last eight years. I was diagnosed with depression, social anxiety, severe memory impairment, tried numerous medications, dropped out of college twice, have been fired twice, used pot to calm my nerves, and have been approached by women but they quickly left because of my weirdness.

“I have been a hardcore porn addict since age 14.” He says, “I stopped porn completely two months ago. It has been hard. I have quit all of the medication I was taking. My anxiety is nonexistent… My memory and focus are sharper than they have ever been and my erectile dysfunction is gone. I feel like I have a second chance at life.”

“Widespread youthful erectile dysfunction has never been seen before,” Wilson says. “This is the only symptom that gets their attention.”

The high-speed internet has taken porn to a new level and it is messing with our children. Watching porn digitally rewires boys’ brains in a totally new way for change, constant arousal, novelty and excitement. This creates real issues when it comes to romantic relationships that grow gradually and subtly.

Do your children know what healthy relationships look like? Have you taught them about the perils of the internet? Are you paying attention to their computer use?

It’s time to take back our boys. Their health and future relationships are hanging in the balance.

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The Scars of Youth and Fortnite

They say that our scars are our stories. If this is true, then Jude, my 12-year-old son, now has this story to tell: “I was playing Fortnite, and I tried this new exploit I saw in a YouTube video, and it worked! I was so excited, I jumped off my bed and busted my lip on the corner of a shelf and had to go to the emergency room and get stitches.” That’s right, we had a video game injury in my house today.

Something about my son getting hurt playing video games made me stop and think. It wasn’t just what he was doing when he got hurt, but I was bothered by what he wasn’t doing. He didn’t get hurt jumping his bike off a homemade ramp, or falling out of a treehouse he was building, or even the ridiculous rock fights that characterized my youth. He got hurt in his bedroom all by himself, playing Fortnite…

Boyhood has changed.

It’s the confluence of two things I’ve observed increasingly in the past few years. First, there seems to be real societal pressure to tame boys – to keep them from playing rough, to rein in their impulse to explore, their need to test themselves against the heights of a tall tree, or even to rise to the challenge of a mouthy friend. We don’t let them wrestle or climb or ride off on their bikes, but we neuter any hint of wildness. We tell them to get down, to settle down, sit down and sit still.

Secondly, because of technology like video games, tablets, and smartphones, our kids are perfectly fine with sitting down and sitting still inside where it is safe and secure. Boys fire up a game console, put on their headset, turn on their flatscreen and tune out the whole wild world. They don’t even know what they’re missing.

Now the only world that boys explore is digital.

Imagination is no longer required – just good Wi-Fi. The challenges of boyhood today mainly involve leveling up. Boys engage their rivals in hand to controller combat. And because the risks aren’t real, neither are the rewards. There may be fewer trips to the emergency room but there are less adventures and far fewer stories to tell.

Scars represent life lived. My son will have a Fortnite scar going forward. I suppose there are worse ways to get a scar, but there are also so many better ways.

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5 Ways to Tell If You’re a Technology-Distracted Parent

Are you a technology-distracted parent? The little girl was playing in the playground area of a fast food restaurant, yelling at her mom, “Watch me, Mama! Watch me!” Consumed by her cell phone, her mom did not hear her daughter calling to her. The child came down the slide, went over to her mom and started tugging on her arm, saying, “Mommy, Mommy, watch me.” At this point the mother looked at her daughter, seemingly irritated at the interruption, and said, “What?”

Perhaps you’ve been that mom at one point or another, and chances are good you’ve witnessed that mom. For some, that moment when a child is occupied on the safe playground is the opportunity to take a little break. For others, constant distractions keep parents from engaging with their kids.

Dr. Jenny Radesky is a fellow in developmental behavioral pediatrics at Boston Medical Center. She and a team of researchers observed 55 caregivers, usually a parent, eating and interacting with one or more children, from infants to 10-year-olds, in fast-food restaurants. 

Out of 55 caregivers, 40 were involved with their phones during the meal. Sixteen of these adults used the mobile device throughout the meal. The researchers referred to this as “absorption with the mobile device.”

Three adults gave a device to a child to keep them occupied. One adult with a little girl picked up her phone as soon as she sat down, and she used it throughout the entire meal.

“The girl keeps eating, then gets up to cross the room to get more ketchup. Caregiver is not watching her do this; she is looking down at the phone…,” the notes showed. “Still no conversation… Now girl’s head appears to be looking right at caregiver, and caregiver looks up but not at girl…”

How much screen time is too much screen time when it comes to being an engaged parent? Perhaps the better question is, are you frequently distracted by your phone or some other device when your child is trying to get your attention?

If you aren’t sure if you’re a technology-distracted parent, The Gottman Institute encourages you to consider these questions:

  • When was the last time you played with your child or teenager?
  • What was the last conversation you shared as a family?
  • Ask your kids if they feel you are distracted. Honesty can go a long way in opening up communication. Just avoid responding defensively and ask more about what they need from you.
  • Think about the last conversation you had with an adult. Were they on their phone? Did you make eye contact? Did you feel heard?
  • What makes you feel heard? The same things that make you feel heard probably apply to the children and teens in your life. Have an open conversation about what listening looks like in different settings.

Many young people complain that their parents nag at them for always being on their phone, yet they believe their parents are as consumed by technology as they are.

Perhaps one of the most important things for parents to remember is that children are very good at copying the behavior that parents model for them. 

Technology isn’t going away. When parents decide to put down the cell phone, turn off the game, and walk away from the emails on the computer to focus on their children, it sends a significant message: You matter. You are more important than the screen. I value you. 

Face-to-face relationships beat technology any day of the week.

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Things Your Teen Won’t Tell You

Ellen Pober Rittberg is the mother of three. She had three children in three years and she spent 13 years representing young people as an attorney. Both of these experiences have given her insight into the lives of young people which led to writing 35 Things Your Teen Won’t Tell You, So I Will.

“I wrote this book as a message to parents that you can do this,” says Rittberg. “I think that it is probably the hardest time to be raising a teen. There are threats to their safety, head-spinning technological advances, they are encouraged to dress provocatively by celebrities who they see dressing provocatively, and peers are more important to them than family. The book is really a form of cheerleading in an informed, honest and positive way.”

Rittberg believes the biggest mistake parents can make is to trust their teen all the time.

She cautions parents that in spite of the fact that their young person seems really smart, their judgment is defective. Shes says they will make poor decisions because they are adults in the making.

“35 Things Your Teen Won’t Tell You, So I Will is the manual I wish I had had when I was raising my teens,” Rittberg says. “I didn’t want to be preached to and I didn’t want to read clinical pieces written by educators, psychologists or medical doctors. I wanted to know the practical do’s and don’ts, the big mistakes to avoid, what to do when you are at the end of your rope and ways to enjoy the challenge of raising teens.”

Rittberg encourages parents to be open to the fact that they can learn to be a better parent.

“When I was pregnant with my first child, I read a ton of books because I didn’t know how to parent,” Rittberg recalls. “We need to continue exposing ourselves to information that will help us be better parents. Parents also need to consider the values they want to impart to their children and how they will be intentional about doing it.”

Here are a few of the 35 things Rittberg wants you to know about when your kids won’t tell you things:

  • You shouldn’t be your child’s best friend. We have a role as parents to be responsible and reliable. If you act like a teenager, your teen won’t respect you.
  • Your child needs meaningful work. Anything that encourages a healthy work ethic and sense of family duty is a good thing.
  • To know your teen’s friends is to know your teen. If you want to know what your teen is up to, get to know their friends. Make your house a welcoming place. You have to be there when they are there.
  • A parent should not buy a child a car. There are large consequences to buying your child a car. The largest is that the child who doesn’t earn a significant portion of the car will likely total it soon after getting it. When they have worked for it they will take better care of it.
  • Know your child’s school. School officials should know your face, what you do and that you want to help.
  • Curfews are good. As the old saying goes, nothing good happens after midnight!

“Parenting teens is challenging, but you can do it and be good at it,” Rittberg says.

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Parenting Through Fortnite

I can always tell when my kids are in a Fortnite Battle Royale match by the cheering or jeering I hear blaring from their rooms. I might be hearing the thrill of victory or the agony of defeat, but it is loud and enthusiastic. If you have a child who plays video games, they are probably playing Fortnite, too, (or soon will be) as the Fortnite craze shows no signs of slowing down.

When it comes to video games I typically have two concerns.

Is this particular game and its content something I want my child playing, and then more generally, how much time (and money) should my child spend playing video games? It’s worth noting that good, caring, involved parents can come to different conclusions – and that’s okay.

As far as content goes, Fortnite, put out by Epic Games, has been rated for 11 year olds and up. The most popular game mode is Battle Royale, which involves up to 100 online players fighting to the death to be the last player standing on an island with various structures and topography. Eliminating the other 99 players involves weapons and violence, but I would describe it as cartoon violence as opposed to bloody, realistic violence.

One thing I really like about Fortnite is that it requires creativity to be successful, not just a trigger finger. Quickly building and manipulating the environment to gain an advantage is an essential part of gameplay. Fortnite is a combination of Minecraft and shooter games with several clever twists thrown in that are genuinely fun.

(If you are concerned about the content of any video game, head to YouTube and watch a few gameplay videos that players have uploaded.)

This brings us back to the general question of how much time we want our kids spending with video games – especially since games like Fortnite can quickly become obsessions.

Parents approach this in a variety of ways. During the school year, some parents allow a set amount of time each week and/or only allow gaming on weekends. Hopefully your family has some tech-free times set aside for reading and playing outside, not to mention structured time set aside for homework and chores. Gaming time might vary during holiday and summer breaks.

Make whatever the latest video game craze is work for you! Parents can leverage video games in many creative ways. For example, I try to get a ton of extra work done around my house so the kids can earn money for in-game purchases. My child’s behavior and attitude may earn them more or less playing time. And here’s one of my personal favorites as a former English teacher: “I’ll match your reading time with Fortnite time minute for minute!”

Perhaps the absolute best leveraging of your child’s Fortnite obsession is to use it to spend time together, either joining in or watching them play. Game on!

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What Teens Are Saying About Social Media and Their Parents

Should your parent check your phone?

When you sit down to a family meal, are people on their devices?

Do your parents follow you on social media?

These are just a few of the questions from an informal survey of more than 1,000 middle and high schoolers during March and April of 2018. The responses might surprise you.

When students were asked if their parents ever checked their phones, 82 percent said their parents never checked or only checked it once or twice a year. Forty-five percent of respondents said they are not on their phones or watching television during family meals, and 22 percent said they don’t eat meals together as a family.

When it comes to social media, 45 percent of the teens said their parents follow them on some apps while 28 percent said their parents do not follow them on any social media apps. Only 27 percent said their parents follow them on all their social media apps.

Overwhelmingly, Instagram, Snapchat, YouTube, iMessage, FaceTime, Facebook and Twitter were the most popular apps, used by 60 percent or more. Instagram, Snapchat and YouTube were all above 80 percent.

Here’s where things really get interesting. 

When asked about negative experiences on social media:

  • 56 percent of respondents said they had been contacted or messaged by a complete stranger. 
  • Over 46 percent said they have been unfriended, unfollowed or deleted from someone’s account. 
  • More than 39 percent said someone had asked them for inappropriate/sexual pictures. 

And when it comes to breaking up, 36 percent said someone had broken up with them by text or another form of social media.

The final question, “Has social media ever made you feel stress, anxiety or depressed?” had some very interesting results. Overarchingly, 45 percent of respondents said social media never makes them feel stress, anxiety or depression. However, in unpacking the data, 62 percent of middle-schoolers said social media never makes them feel this way. Conversely, by 12th grade, 60 percent of teens say it has contributed to stress, anxiety and depression.

Another aspect of this involves structure and parental engagement in the home. Teens who say their parents are actively involved in overseeing their social media engagement reported significantly less stress, anxiety and depression than teens who reported less parental involvement. Teens who reported the least amount of structure and parental engagement also reported the highest levels of stress, anxiety and depression.

Before you convince yourself that technology is the problem, breathe. The truth is, technology will only continue to evolve and move faster as time goes by. Being tuned in to your child is their best hope for navigating those changes in a healthy manner. In a previous survey, teens were asked what helped them make good choices with social media and phone usage. The number one answer was “knowing that my parents check my phone.”

It may be tiring and frustrating, but you are the best app for your child’s phone.

Looking for more? Check out this episode of JulieB TV!

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