Tag Archive for: sex

According to the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN), someone experiences sexual assault in the United States every 98 seconds. Of those victims, 44 percent will be younger than 18, and approximately 80 percent of those same victims will be under 30. Research indicates that a college with a population of 10,000 can have up to 350 sexual assaults annually. And, in 7 out of 10 sexual assaults, the perpetrator knows the victim personally.

On a positive note, the rate of sexual assault and rape has fallen 63 percent since 1993, from a rate of 4.3 assaults per 1,000 people in 1993, to 1.6 per 1000 in 2015. However, only 6 out of every 1,000 rapists will end up in prison. 

Many are asking, how do we teach people to protect themselves from sexual assault? And, how do we teach them what respect looks like? These are important questions for sure.

Based on responses from 3,000 young adults and high school students in Harvard’s Making Caring Common study, the lead researcher found it troubling that at least one-third of respondents said the following:

  • It is rare to see a woman treated in an inappropriately sexualized manner on television;
  • Society has reached a point that there is no more double-standard against women; and
  • Too much attention is being given to the issue of sexual assault.

What is sexual assault, exactly?

According to the Department of Justice, sexual assault is any type of sexual contact or behavior that occurs without the explicit consent of the recipient. Forced sexual intercourse, forcible sodomy, child molestation, incest, fondling and attempted rape all fall under the definition of sexual assault.

  • Refusing to take no for an answer
  • Assuming that wearing certain clothes, flirting or kissing is an invitation for anything more
  • Someone being under the legal age of consent, as defined by the state
  • Someone being incapacitated because of drugs or alcohol
  • Pressuring someone into sexual activity by using fear or intimidation
  • Assuming you have permission to engage in a sexual act because you’ve done it in the past

According to RAINN, consent is about communication. Giving consent for one activity, one time, does not mean giving consent for increased or recurring sexual contact. For example, agreeing to kiss someone doesn’t give that person permission to remove your clothes. Having sex with someone in the past doesn’t give that person permission to have sex with you again in the future.

Although there is no guarantee of personal safety for anyone, each of us has a role to play in preventing sexual assault. 

Here are some things you can do to protect yourself or someone else from becoming a victim.

  • Don’t trust everyone, but let people earn your trust over time.
  • Be careful about putting yourself in a sticky situation. If you are going out with friends you trust, keeping an eye on each other and planning to leave together can be helpful. 
  • Never leave your drink (alcohol or not) unattended or take a drink from someone else. 
  • Be alert and aware of your surroundings. Ask for an escort to your car if you feel unsafe. Lock your doors and secure the windows when you are asleep or leaving your home.
  • Be wise about posting your location on social media. Consider privately sharing your location with someone you really trust in case something goes awry.
  • Have a backup plan for emergencies, and anticipate how you would react in various scenarios. Memorize important phone numbers, keep some cash on hand and hide an extra set of keys in case yours turn up missing. 
  • Trust your instincts. If you feel uncomfortable in a situation, leave or get a friend to help you out.
  • If you see a potentially dangerous situation, step in and say something, either by yourself or with backup.

Sexual assault is evidence that without respect for one another, people and our society suffer greatly.

It is not ok under any circumstance, and silence about it can allow it to happen over and over again. 

It’s crucial that we promote healthy, respectful relationships in all areas of life if we want to make a difference. Everyone could benefit from recognizing that respect involves valuing the opinions and decisions of others without attempting to control them. A respectful person does not take advantage of another person and honors boundaries that are set. Showing respect also involves concern for others’ well-being and safety. 

You can play a role in changing the culture when it comes to issues surrounding sexual assault. Educate your children. Model respect in all relationships. Talk about this issue at home, in the workplace, at school, at your place of worship and in the community. If you see something, say something. 

Coming together around this issue can help everyone have healthier relationships, which is a good thing for people and a very good thing for our community and country.

Are there more fireworks going on outside the bedroom than inside? Probably, say marriage experts.

Data collected from the 2014 General Social Survey indicates that married couples have sex approximately 58 times a year. If you are under 30, however, it’s around 111 times. Approximately 15 percent of married couples haven’t made love with their spouse in the last six months to a year.

In a TEDx talk, therapist Michele Weiner-Davis describes this phenomenon as the sex-starved marriage. It’s a marriage where one spouse is longing for more touch and passion and the other is thinking, “What is the big deal, it’s just sex?”

“When disconnect happens in a marriage, intimacy on all levels goes out the window,” says Weiner-Davis, whose life work is to help resurrect flat-lined marriages. “These couples are the ones who have stopped laughing at each other’s jokes, sitting next to each other on the couch, holding hands or looking into each other’s eyes.”

Many people automatically assume that all men think about is sex. But according to Weiner-Davis, low sexual desire is as much an issue for men as it is for women; it’s just a well-kept secret.

Weiner-Davis says it is not uncommon for even long-married couples to never discuss sex. (Here are 10 Things Every Married Couple Should Know About Sex.)

In a session with Weiner-Davis, a husband of 15 years shared that there is only a two-hour window on Friday night when his wife might be interested in sex. He turned to his wife and said, “When I reach out to you in bed and you aren’t there for me, the only thing I think about is, do you find me attractive anymore, do you still love me, do you want to be with me? I lie awake thinking at night that this is the loneliest place to be.”

Surprised, his wife responded that all she ever considered was whether or not she was in the mood. Never had she ever thought about what it must be like to be in his shoes. This was the beginning of a breakthrough in their marriage. But, Weiner-Davis cautions that it doesn’t work this way for all couples.

“It’s interesting that couples share decision-making on so many things. But when it comes to sex, one person makes the decision and expects the other person to accept it, not complain about it, and be monogamous,” Weiner-Davis says.

Weiner-Davis contends that the primary cause of a sex-starved marriage is easy to fix. A few basic changes can help you move from little sparklers to fireworks in the bedroom:

  • Everybody has different ways of feeling connected to one another. You need to become an expert in making your mate feel connected to you.
  • If your spouse wants sex more often than you do, don’t delude yourself into thinking, “It’s just sex.” Sex is a powerful way to connect. (Here’s how to have better sex.)
  • When you understand your spouse’s way of connecting, you don’t have to agree with it or understand it. You just need to do it.
  • Healthy marriages require mutual caretaking. Take care of each other. It is an act of love.

“When we learn to be better caretakers of each other, we will make this world a better place one marriage at a time,” Weiner-Davis says.

 ***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***

Do you want an awesome, amazing, mind-blowing marriage?

The answer to that question is usually a resounding YES! But, it’s quickly followed with something like, “I could only hope for that,” or “Only in my dreams.”

“Based on my experience as a counselor, I think a lot of people feel like they are sentenced to a life of boredom when they marry,” says Darlene Karst, counselor, marriage educator, and wife. “The reality is that could not be further from the truth … if you are willing to put effort into making your marriage fun, romantic, passionate, and intimate.”

It would be unusual for someone to be an exceptional mechanic, golfer, artist, or chef without training and a lot of practice. Yet people often expect to be excellent lovers and great at marriage overnight.

“The truth is, if you want to have an awesome, amazing, mind-blowing marriage, you have to set your mind to it and work to make it happen,” Karst says. “We might be in the middle of hard economic times, but that doesn’t mean it has to be tough on your marriage. You don’t need a lot of money to make your relationship more romantic and intimate.”

Karst suggests that there are certain things couples need to guard against because they are passion-killers in a marriage. When people think about passion and romance they often don’t consider how certain things can rob you of those feelings while others can set the tone. Consider the color of your room and the textures you have in your bedroom. Do they inspire romance?

“I always ask couples if they have a television in their bedroom,” Karst says. “If they do, I tell them to get rid of it. The bedroom should be a sanctuary where you can be together without distractions. Other things that can rob you of romantic moments include old worn-out nightgowns and underclothing, sports memorabilia, and other things that clutter up the bedroom as well as fighting in your bedroom.”

With busy careers, children, and outside commitments there is no question that life is hectic. Unfortunately, even the best-laid plans can end up out the window when a child gets sick, the boss hands out an urgent deadline or a disagreement comes along.

“More often than not, those things are exceptions to the rule and not the rule,” Karst says. “Therefore, I encourage couples to make a plan. Make sure you set aside time during the week to talk about children, bills, meetings, etc. Just as you set aside time for these things, set aside time to be together.”

If you’re lacking in the creativity department, try these suggestions for a mind-blowing marriage:

  • Take turns planning a special evening of pampering for your spouse. Think about what’s important to your partner and plan an evening to indulge him or her. Be intentional about being with your partner physically and emotionally. Because men are so visual, one wife wore one of her husband’s favorite outfits and did things he really liked. On another night, he drew a bath for her and gave her a massage.
  • Do things differently. If you always make love the same way, change that so it doesn’t become routine. Consider these questions to help spice up your love life: What brings you the most sexual fulfillment? How often would you like to make love? What changes do you need to make to keep sex fresh and growing? (Read 10 Things Every Married Couple Should Know About Sex)
  • Teach the kids that your bedroom is your bedroom. When the door is closed, it means that mom and dad want a timeout. While this may sound totally unrealistic, it might surprise you how well it works once they get the idea.

Perhaps now is a great time to kick off an ongoing celebration of your marriage. To learn more about having an awesome, amazing, mind-blowing marriage, click here.

 ***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***

Where did I come from? What are the birds and the bees? What is sex? Sooner or later, your child will ask questions about sex. The mere thought of that makes some parents blush and get sick to their stomachs. It sends others over the edge. Isn’t it interesting that we don’t hesitate to talk about crossing the street safely or the dangers of playing with fire? Still, the thought of talking to our kids about sex—something equally as dangerous—sends shivers up the spine? Why?

Many parents have concerns about talking to their kids about sex.

Perhaps you’re afraid the discussion will promote sex instead of discouraging it. Or that your child might ask about your past. Maybe you’re concerned about questions you might not be able to answer. Some parents say that it’s just too embarrassing.

I get it. But here’s the deal: there’s no evidence to suggest that talking to your kids about sex encourages them to go out and have sex.

Consider the facts from the CDC*:

  • 41.2 percent of high school students (grades 9-12) have had sex. 
  • 11.5 percent said they had had four or more sexual partners. 
  • 30.1 percent said they had had intercourse in the past three months. 
  • 3.9 percent of U.S. teens said they had had sex for the first time before age 13. 
  • 15 to 24-year-olds account for nearly half of the 20 million new cases of sexually transmitted infections each year. 

The Information Highway 

If your kids aren’t learning about sex from you, where do they look? 

Barna Research group asked, “Who should be responsible for teaching young people about sex?” Respondents overwhelmingly said that parents should be the ones to do so. Many teens and young adults say television and the internet are their top sources for information and ideas about sex, usually followed by schools, parents, and peers.

Today’s children hear about sex early on and are exposed to sexuality at virtually every turn in our society. In fact, by the time a child turns 18, he/she has witnessed 250,000 sexual acts on television. Interestingly, more than 75 percent of the videos on MTV show some sort of sexual activity in which the woman is a sexual object. In 2009, approximately 92% of the 174 songs that made it into the Top 10 contained reproductive messages. (None of these figures include images on the internet and social media.)

YES! Parents Really Can Make a Difference!

Studies show that you can most dramatically impact your child’s behavior by clearly defining your expectations within the context of close family connectedness. According to a 2008 Journal of Marriage and Family study (and many others), perceived parental disapproval of teen sexual activity and contraceptive use significantly influences teenagers’ delay of risky sexual behavior.

Simply put, kids benefit when their parents educate them about human sexuality, growth and development, and healthy attitudes and values about relationships. Although young people tend to act embarrassed, research suggests that teens do want accurate information. And they prefer getting the information from you.

So, when’s the best time to start talking with children about sex? When they are young. Look for teachable moments, such as when you see a pregnant woman or a peer’s new brother or sister, as a natural discussion-starter.

The Talk

Focus your conversation with elementary-age children on:

  • the proper names of sexual organs and body parts,
  • explaining sex and reproduction,
  • personal boundaries,
  • pregnancy, and
  • building healthy relationships.

If they’re old enough to ask questions, they’re old enough to get correct answers. Make sure to clarify your child’s question. When you understand what they’re asking, answer it briefly and simply. If they want to know more, they’ll ask. You might want to practice talking privately with your spouse or another adult.

Middle school students need to talk about:

  • sexually transmitted diseases and infections,
  • emotions,
  • the consequences of sexual relationships, and
  • the benefits of abstinence.

As embarrassing as it may be, talking with your teen about all aspects of sex, including oral sex, is crucial. It’s also an excellent time to discuss why people date and what healthy dating relationships look like.

Discussions with high school students should continue to be about:

  • sexually transmitted diseases,
  • healthy dating relationships,
  • wise decision-making when it comes to sex,
  • setting a standard and living by it, and
  • self-discipline, in addition to everything listed above.

*Centers for Disease Control Youth Risk Behavior Survey, 2015; Centers for Disease Control 2015 STD Surveillance Report

When to Talk to Your Kids About Sex

Start ongoing conversations with your kids.

There’s a TV commercial showing a father and his very inquisitive daughter sharing a meal. Rapid-fire, she asks why the sky is blue, why zebras have stripes, if turtles like cheese, why she has fingerprints, etc. For each question, the dad gets a little help from an insurance agent who is seated right behind him. However, when the girl asks her dad where babies come from, the agent asks for his check and quickly disappears. 

Where do babies come from?

That question can make adults squirm and respond with some creative answers. One answer even involves eating a watermelon seed that grows in mom’s belly. When one mom returned the question, her daughter replied, “When two people love each other, the dad buys a pumpkin seed and gives it to the mom. Then her stomach gets big like a pumpkin!”

It’s great that children are actually asking their parents for this information. While the topic might cause tremendous angst for some, there is no better person to answer than their parent. Instead of sidestepping the question or giving a crazy answer, use the opportunity to provide enough age-appropriate answers and muster enough boldness to encourage more questions in the future.

Many parents say they want to be the ones to teach their children about sex. Yet teen and young adult surveys show that’s not the case. TV and the internet are their top sources for information and ideas about sex. School, parents and peers are next on the list.

It’s great to start talking with your children about sex when they are young, even though some parents want to wait until their child brings it up.

If you cringe and have a deer-in-the headlights look at the thought of discussing sex, your child may believe the topic is off-limits. Experts say parents should start having age-appropriate conversations with their children around age 6.

At this stage, children are often curious about their bodies and why their body is different from their sibling’s. They may even be hearing things from other kids. It is important that children have accurate information from the person they should be able to trust: their parent. So take a deep breath and wade in the water.

Young children often ask where they came from. For starters, a parent can ask their child where they think they came from. The child might actually be asking where they were born. With a serious sigh of relief, that is easily answered. Another option for 5- and 6-year-olds is to read a book. Baby on the Way or Where Did I Come From? are good examples.

For elementary-age children, focus conversations on correctly naming sexual organs and private parts, personal boundaries, pregnancy and building healthy relationships. If they are old enough to ask questions, they are old enough to receive correct answers. Clarify the question and keep your answers age-appropriate, brief and simple. If they want to know more, they’ll usually ask. Don’t worry if you don’t have all the answers. You can always say, ”Let me get back to you about that,” then make sure that you do.

The thought of talking with your child about sex may cause your heart to race and your stomach to flutter. But remember, they are only asking because they are curious. Parents are their first and best teachers.

 

Teen Sex and the Brain

A teen's choices can impact them more than they realize.

There’s an ongoing debate about whether teen sex is really harmful over time.

Drs. Joe McIlhaney and Freda McKissic Bush wrote Hooked: New Science on How Casual Sex is Affecting Our Children. They say that casual sex during the teen and young adult years affects bonding later in life.

Imagine sticking some clear shipping tape to your sweater to remove lint. The first time you pull it off, it grabs fuzz and some hair. It’s still a little sticky, so you continue to use it. But eventually, the tape loses its stickiness.

Similarly, research indicates that sexual activity and having multiple partners hinders the ability to develop healthy, mature, and long-lasting relationships.

What does teen sex have to do with brain development? Probably more than you realize.

  • The prefrontal cortex is still developing until the mid-20s. This part of the brain is responsible for setting priorities, organizing plans and ideas, forming strategies, and controlling impulses. It also initiates appropriate and moral behavior.
  • During the teen years, sexual activity triggers chemical reactions within the brain that help shape it.
  • This brain transformation has a huge physical and psychological impact on all things sexual. A person’s decision-making ability, which comes from the highest center of the brain, can lead to the most rewarding sexual behavior. That is, unless premature and unwise sexual behavior during adolescence damages the brain’s formation for healthy decision-making.

Additionally, the authors sound the alarm concerning an apparent relationship between teen sexual activity and depression. 

Studies indicate that:

  • Sexually-active teens are three times are more likely to experience depression than their abstinent peers.
  • Sexually-active girls were three times more likely to have attempted suicide*.
  • Sexually-active boys were seven times more likely to have attempted suicide than their virgin friends.

McIlhaney and Bush say that parents play a critical role in helping teens develop in a healthy way.

  • Surveys consistently show that teens primarily look to their parents’ advice about sex. Structure, guidance, and discipline from caring adults can positively mold the adolescent brain.
  • Teens need parental support as they take healthy risks, like learning to drive, trying out for sports, or going off to college. Activities like these help young people separate from their parents and grow as individuals.
  • If parents or other caring adults don’t guide their teens, their poor choices can negatively impact their future.

Although it may be complicated and uncomfortable, you can prepare your child for some genuine threats to their well-being. (For example, sexually transmitted diseases, teen pregnancy, and the emotional baggage of seeking to bond with multiple sex partners.) Taking these issues seriously and keeping the lines of communication open are essential to healthy relationships in the future.

*If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, there are a number of websites and organizations with excellent resources for you. HelpGuide is a great place to start, along with the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention at 988 or 1-800-273-TALK (8255).