Why Does My Family Ignore Me?
It hurts when you feel like your family is ignoring you.
We hope for and expect our family to stick together. But your family isn’t including you. Whether you’re left out of a group text, not invited to an event, or completely estranged… you could be experiencing anxiety, depression, and loneliness. Physical problems like sleep and appetite loss could be plaguing you. If so, please make self-care a priority and consider seeking professional help.
So many questions and emotions.
When you feel ignored, it can be damaging.
These relationships have suffered an injury or have become diseased. Like a doctor would handle a physical health problem, we have to rule some things out to cover all the bases. Here are some things to be thinking through:
- Is it possible they aren’t ignoring you on purpose, but you feel left out anyway?
- Is it possible you’ve said or done something that offended some family members and you haven’t realized it?
- Have you been trying to communicate with these family members?
- Does your family do a lot of their communicating and planning get-togethers on social media… and you are not active in that particular arena?
RESOLUTION AND RESTORATION ARE IMPORTANT. DON’T RULE THEM OUT.
In 2018, a Pew Research Center survey asked, “Where do you find meaning in life?” The clear, number one answer was “family” at 69%. This was more than double the next highest answer, which was “career.” In other words, family is at the core of where most people find meaning in life. So if there is static in that part of your life, there’s a good chance that your whole life feels off-kilter.
You can try to work toward a resolution.
Maybe you’ve thought through the above scenarios or possible explanations… but you still don’t have peace of mind or clarity. If there’s any chance you said or did something that offended a family member, there’s one place to go for answers… your family.
You can try to be direct but non-confrontational with family members.
Either there is nothing there and you’re worrying over nothing or something IS there. Use “I” statements like, “I feel like I’m being ignored by family. Did I do something? I want to make it right,” as opposed to “You” statements like, “Why are you ignoring me? Why won’t you reach out to me? Why are you leaving me out?” The difference is between opening a productive dialogue and making an accusation.
You can try to find a mediator between you and your family.
Ideally, the mediator should be a neutral party… one that everyone involved knows and can trust won’t be taking sides. They can keep the conversation productive. They can also help everyone understand what people are feeling and communicating. The person mediating should work to de-escalate emotions, ease tensions, and ease communication.
IF YOU’VE WORKED TOWARD RESOLUTION WITH NO SUCCESS, HERE ARE SOME NEXT STEPS.
- Come to terms with what you can and can’t control.
- Take care of yourself physically. This includes diet, sleep, and exercise.
- Stay in touch with your feelings and emotions. Try journaling.
- Cultivate a support system. Have friends and mentors in your life to whom you can vent. Let them support you and help you process emotions.
- Get professional help. Resentment, anger, anxiety, and depression are serious.
You can’t control your family, but you can control how you take care of yourself. There’s no telling what the future holds, but for now, move forward with your life. Be your best self.
Other helpful resources:
How to Stay Positive When Everything Seems to Be Falling Apart
We were about a month into our COVID-19 quarantine when it finally happened. There had been some ups and downs, of course, but I was feeling pretty good and able to stay positive as an individual, husband, and father. My family was handling it all surprisingly well. I was getting tons of work done. I felt like I was leading the family well. Then I finally snapped.
During the month or so of quarantine, I had been straining, working from home, fearful about my wife working in the medical field, stressed about a son doing middle school online, anxious about a son doing college online, sad for two adult children out of work, worried about one adult child still working in “essential services,” and totally uneasy about my at-risk mother-in-law. ALL of this under ONE roof. (You catch all the emotions in there? I didn’t.) But we were actually navigating it fairly well and trying to stay positive – movie nights, game nights, lots of good conversations. We got this!
Then it all started to unravel. Then I unraveled. Big time.
In the span of a few days:
- My wife was filing for unemployment.
- We had a brush with a tornado that left us with a yard full of fallen trees.
- We had no power to our house for days.
- My car broke down while I was getting ice to keep food from spoiling. (It all spoiled anyway.)
- We had friends who completely lost their homes and we were heartbroken.
- We had all-new financial pressures.
Things were starting to pile up. Stress and worry were at all new levels.
I ignored it – too much to get done!
After about four days of trying to adjust to Generator Life and a bunch of new problems and expenses, I was soon trying to stay positive and hold my world together with threads and patches.
Then, in a single moment, life came undone. (Of course, it did.) The reality is, I came undone. Ironically, it was actually a relatively small thing that did it. Something so small that it would have been no big deal in any other context. Straw. Camel. Back. You know the saying.
I’ll admit it – I was lying in bed crying with the door locked, feeling fragile and helpless.
How did it get to this? I’m stronger than this! What if anyone in my family sees me like this?
If we can allow ourselves to be honest, vulnerable, transparent humans for just a second, you might be feeling it, too. You might be close to snapping. Maybe you are on the edge of being overwhelmed. You may have already broken down. Your story and circumstances might have some major things going on in them that make my little pity party look pitiful.
What do you do to stay positive when it all seems to fall apart?
Here’s what I learned after I snapped back from my snap:
- Acknowledge your emotions and share them with people that you trust. For a while, I had been suppressing or burying emotions and needs deep down, trying to play it cool, but making myself a ticking time bomb.
- Be real with your kids, your spouse, and your friends, because they have their “moments” too. Kids don’t need their parents to be perfect; they need them to be real. It’s good for them to see you work through imperfection and real-world problems.
- Guard your mindset! Be careful what you look for in life, because you’ll find it. If you look for everything that is wrong, you’ll find it and focus on it. If you look for what is going right, that’s there, too. Find it and focus on it. You can acknowledge what’s wrong and still practice gratitude for what’s right. Remember what is really important – people.
- Practice self-care. I was afraid to be honest with myself and the people around me – people that I know would help me, let me blow off steam, and help me process my emotions. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s more than okay to take care of yourself! Practice self-care. You may not be able to change your circumstances, but you can take care of yourself—physically and emotionally.
- Breathe. Think. Act. Take a moment to take some deep breaths, think about what you can and can’t control, and then respond appropriately – don’t react. Don’t make important decisions when you aren’t your best self or you’ve gone to pieces.
- Focus on helping others. This may sound counter-intuitive, but nothing feels better than helping someone with their problems. It actually makes our brain release happy chemicals and it may take your mind off your problems or even put them in perspective.
It’s okay to have a “moment”; it’s not okay to stay there. We’ve all been at a place where we felt like it was just one bad thing after the other and we’ve felt overcome by stress, anxiety, anger, or sadness. Give yourself permission to be real, but also develop a plan to stay positive the next time you feel overwhelmed and about to break down.
Right now, there is a lot of stress, anxiety, and fear going around, and chances are, you’ve experienced it yourself. Whether you’re a parent trying to figure out a new routine with and for your kids, a professional working through the balancing act, a student running into the obstacles of social and academic pressures or all of the above, every person is facing their own challenges in their own way.
There are so many suggestions out there to try and help combat all of the overwhelming emotions: getting enough sleep, setting up a schedule for yourself and your family, eating healthy meals, staying active, talking with friends… The list goes on. But did you know that journaling is another great way to reduce stress and anxiety? And the research is here to back it up!
How Journaling Affects Our Minds
- According to The University of Rochester Medical Center, journaling can help you manage anxiety, reduce stress, cope with depression, and improve your mood by helping you prioritize problems and track your symptoms so you can learn your triggers and control them.
- Journaling can also enhance your sense of well-being, improve your working memory, and boost your mood.
- Keeping a journal can help you keep an organized mind and can be helpful when processing information or making sense of trauma.
Okay, so now what? Sure, journaling is great, but it can be hard to get started. The key to making journaling a part of your routine is getting started! So grab an old notebook you’ve got lying around, and choose one, two, or more of the questions below to answer each day. If every day feels like too big of a commitment, start with just three times a week!
Writing Prompts
- What are 5 good things that happened today?
- What’s one thing you can do differently tomorrow to help it be a better day than today?
- What’s one adjustment you can make to your routine to help set up the day for success?
- What’s the main source of your stress or anxiety? Can you do anything about it?
- What are 10 things that make you happy right now?
- What are 3 things you can do daily to be a positive influence for others?
- How did/will you exercise your mind, body, and spirit today?
- What’s one thing that happened today that you’re still trying to process/understand?
- Did you feel anxious or worried today? When did it start? What caused the feeling?
- Who are two people in your life that mean a lot to you and why?
- What’s one thing that would have to change for you to feel completely satisfied?
- Is there anything that is consistently disturbing your inner peace?
- What do you not like to talk about? Why not?
- What is one thing you learned today?
- If you were completely free of fear, what would you be doing differently today?
- What’s one thing that you’re proud of yourself for?
- What decisions could you make today/tomorrow that could improve your mental, emotional, and/or physical health?
- What’s one habit that you would like to correct? What are some steps you can take toward correcting that habit?
- What are you most ashamed of right now? Why?
- What are 3 things that you did really well today?
Journaling is a great way to understand your thoughts, gain self-awareness, and process the world around you. And now is a great time to start!
Are You Setting a Good Example of Self-Care for Your Family?
I fish. It’s what I do. Some have asked me what in the world draws me to stand by a pond and throw a little feathered hook in the water time and time again, often with very few results. I fish so I can de-stress.
It’s mindless (somewhat) and I can leave all the emotion, anxiety, and uncertainties behind me for just a little while. If you fish, you understand this. I can clear my head before re-entering the real world. Fishing is my self-care.
Self-Care… It’s become a popular term that’s popped up in conversations around health, mindfulness, and stress. You do self-care when you do any kind of action deliberately in order to care for your mental, physical, or emotional health. And it’s widely thought to be effective in reducing anxiety and stress.
How apropos in our current state. At perhaps no other time in recent memory has it been so important to stay healthy. Stress and anxiety are at an all-time high. People are stuck at home. Routines are turned upside down. Family members are spending way more time with each other than they are used to.
I’d say self-care is a precious commodity right about now.
I don’t know about you, but in my house, it’s easy to give our kids a schedule that includes some healthy activities. However, it’s extremely difficult for me personally to get into a routine of self-care activities. My game is so thrown off by the stress of our circumstances. And it’s sometimes a fight just to get me away from the computer screen.
But it has to happen. As parents, we’ve got to be a good example and practice self-care right now. And here’s why:
You can’t give what you don’t have.
Meaning, if you want your kids to practice self-care, you need to self-care. You’ve got to fill your tank so you have it in you to help them fill their tanks. When you self-care, you’re better able to handle feelings of anxiety, fear, uncertainty, and stress. This is important so these emotions don’t get the best of you.
Pay attention to yourself. Keep an eye on the radar of your emotional state. Take the time to do some things each day that help you deal with all the chaos that is going on.
- Go for a walk. Get some fresh air. Let the sun shine on your face for a little while.
- Meditate or pray. Sing (out loud).
- Get plenty of sleep.
- Do push-ups. Or go for a run. Or practice yoga. Anything to stretch, strengthen, and move the body.
- Eat clean. Healthier food keeps your energy up. Drink plenty of water.
- But, every few days, sneak in that Oreo. Because… stress.
- Read a book. Watch a documentary. Keep your mental game strong.
- Communicate your needs to the people that love you. Let them know when you need to be alone. And let them know when you need to be with them. Get plenty of both.
These are just a small number of suggestions for self-care. Search online for other ideas and find out what feeds your health—body and soul. And then do it. Regularly.
Of course, we don’t self-care simply for our own needs. Our families are depending on us. That’s why it’s so important that we set a good example of self-care as parents.
Your moments of self-care are the teachable moments for your kids.
As parents, every little thing we do is seen. Young eyes are watching how we handle ourselves—especially in the midst of anxiety and stress. They take their emotional cues from what they see in us. “Do as I say, not as I do” is a terrible parenting style—particularly when it comes to self-care. They need to see you handling your health in a positive way.
It’s okay for your kids to know you are anxious or fearful. But it’s so much more important that they see how you handle your anxiety and fear. When they see you taking care of yourself, you are modeling that for your children. It may sound funny, but your example of self-care leaves a legacy.
Parents, take care of yourself. For your sake, and for your kids. They’re counting on you.
Journaling/Writing Prompts for Kids
Journaling isn’t just for school. It can help your kids in a variety of personal ways that can also help you as a parent tune into your kids. Sometimes your kids will be willing to share their thoughts with you, but they will often put something into writing that they might not say to you.
Let’s be honest — even with school and everything else that’s going on, your kids probably need some constructive things to do. Journaling can fire their imagination, improve their writing skills, and cultivate self-awareness. Plus it can be fun and give you something to start a conversation! Make it part of their daily routine — maybe the first thing they do after breakfast or the last thing they do before bed.
So, take a look around the house — is there an empty composition book or notebook you can put together? Kids love their electronic devices, but I would only use them as an absolute last resort. You can make up the topics, but try to make them as open-ended as possible or add a “Why?” at the end. Of course, keep topics appropriate for your child’s age and interests. Below are a bunch of journal topic suggestions to get you thinking! But to review just a few of the benefits of journaling for your child…
Journaling can:
- Clarify their thoughts and feelings
- Help them know themselves better
- Reduce their stress
- Give you insight into how they are dealing with our current situation.
BONUS: Here’s a great resource of journaling prompts for both you and your child to practice mindfulness. If that word sounds scary or unfamiliar, mindfulness just means that you’re practicing narrowing your focus and sharpening your attention, which is obviously so helpful for children!
Elementary School
List of things that make me happy.
I wish I knew more about __________ because….
What is something that is important to my family?
When it comes to schoolwork, what has been your favorite thing you learned?
My favorite part of last week was…
Three things I’d like to talk about.
If I could rename the colors of crayons…
What is my favorite dessert and why?
Use your creativity to describe and draw a new creature or animal.
If my dog or cat could talk, it would say things like…
I was proud when I __________
Five things I’m good at are…
If a genie granted me three wishes…
What would you choose if you were in charge of the weather?
My favorite holiday is…
Middle School
What would happen if you found gold in your backyard?
If animals could talk, what questions would you like to ask them?
Who would you be if you could have been someone in history? Why?
I taught someone how to…
You can only take 3 people with you on a trip around the world, who would you take?
If you could give any gift in the world, what would you give and to whom?
The house was so quiet, but then I heard…
If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?
Let’s say you received any sum of money as a gift. What would you do with it?
Did you ever catch fireflies? Crickets? Frogs? Snakes? Why/why not?
What was your most difficult or most joyous life experience?
List one of your pet peeves and write about why it annoys you.
What is something that you appreciate about your parents? Why?
Write about a window you broke or something valuable you lost.
What would happen if it suddenly started raining spaghetti and meatballs?
High School
Describe the perfect date.
What is courage? What is the most courageous thing you have done?
Describe a hero. It can be either someone you know or simply qualities of a hero.
What is your favorite activity? Who do you do it with? Why do you think you enjoy it?
Write about a good book you’ve read recently.
What will you do differently when you’re a parent? Why?
Do you spend too much time with electronic devices? Why/why not?
What do you think should have or should NOT have been invented and why?
List one major world problem and how you think we should solve it.
Do you think that there is or ever was life on another planet?
What is the most important issue facing teens your age today?
Were you ever given a responsibility that you couldn’t handle?
Describe the best concert you ever attended.
Write about a time you tried to help and ended up making things worse.
Did you ever break an important promise?
Write about moving to another city or neighborhood or house.
Did you ever meet a famous person? Interact with them on social media?
Describe a car or bicycle accident you were in.
If you could spend a day spent in another country, which would you choose? Why?
Describe a time that you outsmarted someone.
Write about going shopping for new clothes.
Did you ever turn someone in or tell on someone and feel bad about it later?
Was there a time your parents embarrassed you?
Can you remember a time you gave someone good advice? What was it?
If you’ve ever been a caregiver during the holidays, you know how stressful it can be when caregiving tasks already fill your day. Heap the expectations of a joy-filled season on top of that, and there is real potential for feelings of guilt, anger, resentment and complete fatigue to take over.
Many caregivers are constantly exhausted, and sometimes just putting one foot in front of the other seems daunting. It can be tempting to hide away until after the holidays to avoid dealing with the added stress.
If you can relate, these suggestions may help you as a caregiver during the holidays.
Give yourself permission to put self-care at the top of the list.
You probably know that you can’t give what you don’t have to others, but that is just plain easier said than done. Some family and friends may have more flexibility to give you much-needed breaks to exercise, sleep, treat yourself to some time with friends or to just do nothing.
Instead of trying to do it all yourself, let someone help.
Driving to doctor visits, picking up prescriptions, changing beds, grocery shopping, fixing meals and keeping the house clean can keep you going 24/7. Friends are usually looking for ways to be helpful, especially during the holidays. It will bless you both if you take them up on their offers or ask for what you need.
Think about what makes your heart happy when it comes to celebrating the holidays.
Do those things and eliminate the rest even though you might want to do more. Instead of doing all the decorating, ask a friend if they would do it for you. Send an email instead of cards or have someone help you address envelopes. If hosting the annual holiday gathering feels like too much to handle this year, ask someone else to host. If you still want to host but want less responsibility, let others bring the food.
Take control of your mind and guard against negative self-talk.
If you typically do everything yourself, this can be a particularly complicated time of year. On one hand, you know you need help, but on the other hand, you hate to seem needy. Healthy people ask for what they need and don’t feel guilty about it.
Caring for a loved one goes on for a season, and that time period may be months or years. Whatever the time frame, most people understand how hard it is, and there are often many people in your life who are willing to help you shoulder some of the load so that in the end you don’t end up sacrificing yourself in the name of caring for the one you love.
Click here to read the entire article, which was originally published in the Chattanooga Times Free Press on December 9, 2018.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
As part of her job, Amy Boulware walks alongside caregivers. So when she found herself caregiving for her grandmother and mother, she thought she had the tools she needed.
“I did not expect to be caregiving for two,” says Boulware. “My grandmother moved closer so we could take care of her. Shortly after she moved, my mom was diagnosed with cancer. I quickly realized caregiving is very different when it is your own family.”
At one point, Boulware found herself running between hospital rooms trying to care for her mom and grandmother. On top of her caregiving responsibilities, she continued working and taking care her own family.
“I was definitely burning the candle at both ends trying to keep up,” Boulware says. “One night, I came home late. As I walked through the door, my youngest daughter yelled from the bathroom, ‘Mom, can you get me some toilet paper?’ I went to where we usually keep toilet paper, but there was none. I searched the other bathrooms. There was no toilet paper in the house. I had a complete meltdown over no toilet paper. As I’m lying on the bed sobbing, my oldest daughter comes in the room with a very large package of toilet paper.
“She says to me, ‘Mom, Daddy and I talked on the way to the store and we are pretty sure this really isn’t about toilet paper, but here is toilet paper and a pint of chocolate ice cream because we thought you needed it.’”
Surprisingly, the “toilet paper incident” made Boulware realize she was exhausting herself.
“Carrying the load by myself was not the answer,” Boulware says. “I called my uncle and asked him to take over the finances. I called my sister and asked her to come home more often. We hired caregivers to help with my grandmother and we did some other creative things that made a huge difference.”
Since she has walked this road, Boulware offers words of wisdom for caregivers:
- Ask for help. Recognize other people’s strengths and ask them to help you in those areas. Help can come from many places, including family, the faith community, friends and paid caregivers.
- Time off is a must. Thursday night became date night for the Boulwares, and nothing interfered with it. Caregivers, family, friends and co-workers all knew that evening was sacred, so they helped them to have much-needed time away. The Boulwares turned their phones off and decided not to discuss caregiving at all.
- Routine changes can help. Boulware’s grandmother lived close to her daughters’ school so the girls went to her home in the afternoon. The family ate dinner there one night a week. Making this change eliminated a lot of stress. Plus, they made memories with their grandmother that are forever etched in their minds.
- Be a supportive spouse. Never once did Boulware’s husband tell her it was too much. In fact, she describes him as supportive and as a great gift as he walked alongside her. It brought them closer together as a couple.
Being a caregiver is innately stressful, so properly caring for yourself is a vital part of the process. If you are running on empty, it is difficult to effectively care for others, but asking for help is not a sign of weakness. A helping hand or two can make all the difference.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
How Taking a Break Benefits Moms and Kids
Some moms think leaving their children with someone else, even for a short time, is not an option. However, taking a break can benefit both moms and kids.
“I know moms who feel guilty if they are not with their children 24/7,” says Leslie Parrott, therapist and co-author of The Parent You Want to Be. “It is almost as if leaving the kids with someone else would be a sign of weakness. Yet, I know many moms are tired and stressed and long for a break.”
Dr. Parrott knows exactly what it is like to long for a break. She gave birth prematurely to her oldest son, and he required round-the-clock extended care.
“Even though I felt some guilt about leaving John in the care of someone else, I knew I needed some time away to relax and re-energize. Taking care of a medically fragile baby is quite stressful. Scheduling 1 ½ hours away for quiet time, twice a week, helped me to be a better mom. I realized I could not pass on what I did not possess. If I was exhausted, my son picked up on that and was fussy as well.”
Children need to understand that attachment can remain firm even when there are brief parental absences.
When they have the opportunity to rehearse this, they learn that there are other people in their lives who love them and can take good care of them.
“If parents never give their children the opportunity to experience these absences, when it is time to enter kindergarten or they are separated for some other reason they often experience extreme anxiety,” Parrott says. “I remember my father telling me about his first day in kindergarten. He had never been away from home before so he was very nervous. His class went outside for recess and when the bell rang, he panicked. He could not remember where to meet the teacher, so he just walked home.”
Being away from your children can refresh you.
It may also give you fresh perspectives about them, Parrott advises, even though some parents may feel anxious about leaving their children to take a break.
“There have been times when I have gone away and come home and received a report on my children from their caregiver, allowing me to see them through her eyes,” Parrott says. “Things I don’t see because I am around them all the time are the very things our babysitter points out to me. I get the benefit of her wisdom. One time, upon returning from a trip, my friend asked me if I had noticed how much John had matured. ‘He is implementing his politeness skills with everyone,’ she said.
“I think that moms who deny themselves the luxury of time away and time for their marriage truly believe they are doing something heroic. What I have experienced with many of them is they are tired, stressed and frustrated. And, their heroic acts don’t create the results they imagine.”
When considering the parent-child relationship, the parent’s call is to always be the healthiest person in the relationship. Taking a break can help with that.
If you’ve never been away from your kids, Parrott encourages moms to do something different.
Here are some suggestions:
- Schedule brief absences. Even short periods of time away from your children can be refreshing for your family.
- Don’t worry about making sure everything stays the same. In reality, a short change in routine won’t damage the children.
- Find friends you trust, with children the same age as yours. This was a blessing for the Parrotts. The children became such great friends that they begged to get together again. The next visit became a play date for the kids and the parents!
“I truly believe the best gift I can give my kids is the gift of love from other people besides their mother and father,” Parrott says. “I walked in the door on Saturday night from an out-of-town speaking engagement. The children were all ready to get out the keyboard because our babysitter had taught them a duet. They don’t know how to play the piano. I could tell she had spent time coaching them and doing something different than I would have given them even if I had been home. I smiled as I watched them play and thought to myself, ‘This is good.’”
Looking for more? Check out this episode of JulieB TV!
