How to Deal With Unspoken Expectations
Things aren’t always what you expect them to be, especially in marriage.
In his book, Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married, Dr. Gary Chapman tells about the frustration he and his wife felt in the early years of their marriage. At one point, he shares that they went for weeks without cleaning the toilet.
He couldn’t understand why she wasn’t cleaning the toilet because that was something his mom always did. Carolyn couldn’t understand why Gary wasn’t cleaning the toilet because that was her father’s chore in her childhood home. Unfortunately, neither told the other about their expectation.
When Chapman worked up enough nerve to ask his wife why she hadn’t cleaned their toilet, he finally learned she was waiting for him to do it. Needless to say, that became an interesting and eye-opening moment in their marriage.
It’s not always easy to figure out how to deal with unspoken expectations as a couple.
Truth be told, every married couple probably has a similar story. They walked into marriage thinking they knew and understood each other only to discover there were numerous unspoken expectations that each person assumed the other understood—little things like how to spend money, how many children to have (if any), where to spend the holidays, whether to buy new or used cars and how much to spend on them, who cleans the house and who handles yard work.
Looking back, even the happiest of couples will acknowledge that these “little” unspoken expectations have created tension in their marriage. And, if they had it to do over again, they would discuss them ahead of time.
So, what are some of the most common unspoken expectations?
You can probably guess many of them. Many expectations revolve around: house cleaning and maintenance, money management, frequency of lovemaking, boundaries with the in-laws, work and marriage, childcare responsibilities, punctuality, celebrations, conflict management, meal prep and meal times. The list could go on, but you get the gist. There’s lots of room for hurt feelings, misunderstandings and assumptions with unspoken expectations.
Whether you’re preparing for marriage or already married, you can probably learn a lot by having a conversation about unspoken expectations.
How do you deal with unspoken expectations? And where do you begin?
First, it’s helpful to write down your expectations, even if you think you’ve shared them before. Then ask yourself, where did these expectations come from? Many unspoken expectations are based on family traditions and values, past relationships, life experience and friends.
Next, share your unspoken expectations. As you walk through them, keep an open mind. Differing opinions don’t mean one is right and the other is wrong. The question is, how can you make that expectation work for your relationship? If you aren’t married yet, it’s important to know your non-negotiables when it comes to what you expect for your marriage.
If you’re clearly on opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to managing money, whether or not to have children, what a career path looks like, etc., don’t expect things to change once you walk down the aisle. I repeat, DO NOT EXPECT MARRIAGE TO CHANGE THESE THINGS. Many have led themselves to believe things will be different after marriage, thinking they would be able to change the other person’s mind. Not only did they not change their mind, but each person can also end up feeling angry and empty. And that can cause major problems.
Unspoken expectations can be the silent killer of relationships (so deal with them sooner instead of later).
Do yourself and your loved one a favor: be honest about your expectations and ask yourself if they’re realistic. Just because your family did it that way doesn’t mean you necessarily have to do it the same way in your marriage. Talking about your expectations ahead of time can save you a lot of headaches and heartaches down the road.
Looking for more resources? Watch this episode of JulieB TV for an in-depth look on this topic!
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Marriage Benefits Children
Marriage is declining, and some believe it really doesn’t matter anymore. However, some compelling findings indicate it might matter more than you think, especially for a child’s well-being.
Wendy Manning, director of the Center for Family and Demographic Research at Bowling Green State University, says family instability is a consistent and negative implication for child health in both cohabiting and married-parent families.
Moreover, a 2010 CDC study on child well-being and family structure shows that children from homes with married parents did better in every category.
Children ages 12-17 living with cohabiting parents instead of married parents are:
- Six times more likely to exhibit emotional and behavioral problems;
- 122 percent more likely to be expelled from school; and
- 90 percent more likely to have a lower GPA.
Additional studies indicate that children born to couples that live together are more likely to see their parents break up.
In fact, two-thirds will split up before their child is 12. Most split up before their child is 5. Compare that to only one-quarter of married parents who split up. Cohabiting relationships seem to be more fragile than marital relationships.
Economic indicators show that 21 percent of children with cohabiting parents live below the poverty line. Only one in 10 children with married parents lives in poverty.
As of early 2016, half of all children born to women under 30 were born out of wedlock.
Pew Research and other studies find that most Americans would like to marry someday.
So why are so many young people choosing cohabitation over marriage? What explains the increase in women under 30 choosing to have children outside of marriage? Well, it’s complicated.
For starters, many young people don’t want the kind of marriage their parents had, nor are they confident that they can actually do marriage well. Others say there are no marriageable men or women. Some see no benefit in a “formal” arrangement for themselves and their children.
Plenty of research indicates that healthy marriage positively impacts children and society. And despite growing up with examples of unhealthy marriages, divorce or other adverse childhood experiences, it’s possible to heal from the past and have healthy relationships and even healthy marriages.
But the research is clear. The social, economic, health, and emotional benefits of marriage extend to everyone but are especially crucial for children.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
The First Year of Marriage
Scene 1: The Big Day
The day has finally arrived. You walk down the aisle taking in all of the people who have come to witness this momentous occasion. You and your fiancé enthusiastically say “I do!” There is a great celebration and finally you leave. Now, the two of you begin your journey of happily ever after.
Scene 2: Beyond the Honeymoon
Reality sets in. Sometimes it happens on Day One of the honeymoon. Others experience it when they arrive home and are trying to settle into a routine. You both realize it is just the two of you and you have to figure out how to do life together as a team. While this is something you have been looking forward to, it can create some difficult moments.
Scene 3: What Nobody Tells You
Regardless of how long you have been together as a couple, being married is different. The first couple of years can actually be very challenging, but nobody really talks about that for fear that people will judge them.
Learning how to live with your spouse is an adventure. In most marriages, each person has unspoken expectations based on what they experienced in their own home. Things like:
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Who cleans the toilets, pays the bills, mows the lawn, does the laundry, shops for groceries?
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How will you deal with the in-laws?
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Will you eat dinner together every night?
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Who does the cooking?
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What about sleep? Do you go to bed at the same time?
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When you experience conflict (and you will) how will you handle it?
All of these things tend to trip couples up because each person comes to the marriage with assumptions about how things will be.
Scene 4: What Might be Helpful to Know
As you navigate the first years of marriage, here are some things to consider that can help make the transition smoother.
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Get prepared. You probably spent a lot of time and energy preparing for the wedding, but don’t forget to prepare for the health of your marriage. Getting married without preparation is like planning to compete in the Iron Man and hoping you have what it takes to finish the race. Couples who take the time to learn the skills needed for successful marriage are 30 percent less likely to divorce. Make the time to attend a premarital education class where you can practice handling the hard stuff.
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You are a team. Before marriage you only had to be concerned about yourself. Adding someone else into the mix, even when you love them, can be tough. It isn’t all about you anymore. It is about two individuals coming together with the goal of helping each other grow. This requires give and take, thinking through priorities and being totally invested in making the relationship work.
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Love isn’t all you need. Many couples believe that because they love each other they will agree on most things. This is when things can get really dicey. Studies show that all couples fight about money, sex, kids, others and time. An advantage of marriage is you have someone who cares so much about you they are willing to disagree and weigh in with their thoughts and opinions. Couples who understand these disagreements are normal and learn to manage those areas of their life do better.
Happily-married couples rarely describe their marriage as challenge-free, even after decades of marriage. In fact, many of them describe the hard times as those that refined them and made their marriage stronger.
Whether you are preparing for marriage or you are a newlywed, remember you are building something new together. You may come to marriage with a blueprint of how you always thought it should be, but as you hammer it out you both realize you need something different. No matter who you marry, there will be challenges. It’s how you handle them that makes the difference.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Compatibility and Chemistry in Marriage
According to Michael and Amy Smalley, they could not have been more in love than they were when they walked down the aisle. Their relationship was passionate and romantic. They say that chemistry completely blinded them.
“I was her knight in shining armor,” says Michael. “We had been friends for a very long time. It was only after a horrible breakup with another guy that we realized there might be something between us. We quickly fell head over heels in love. So you can imagine we were pretty shocked to find ourselves 18 hours into our marriage not speaking to each other. Both of us were thinking we had made a horrible mistake.”
Amy and Michael dated each other for five months before tying the knot. Their parents were very excited about the marriage, but nobody mentioned that the couple might not be ready.
“So many couples, including us, mistakenly believe that chemistry and compatibility are what builds a successful marriage,” Michael says.
“We know based on research that chemistry has zero to do with long-term success in marriage. Chemistry goes up and down. Many couples actually base their commitment level in their marriage on how happy they are in the relationship. That is dangerous.”
Many years and three beautiful children later, the Smalleys say that their marriage would not still be around if it were all about compatibility.
“To this day, our compatibility quotient is pretty low,” Michael says. “Our cleaning styles, leisure activities and personalities are very different. However, six months into our marriage, we attended a workshop that taught us the skills that have been foundational to making the difference in our marriage.”
So many couples justify not being able to make their marriage work by saying, “We just aren’t compatible.”
“Not being compatible does not mean you have to be miserable,” he says. “My ability to love well has little to do with compatibility. It has everything to do with making a choice to love well. You make the decision to be happy.”
He says he’s not referring to abusive marriages, but about the vast majority of marriages that end because people say they are disconnected and incompatible.
The Smalleys now spend their time helping couples learn how to get past issues of unhappiness and incompatibility.
“Most divorces occur because one spouse looks at the other and says, ‘You are the problem,'” Michael says. “The truth is, all of us are selfish. In many instances, we focus on the other person. Instead, we really need to look in the mirror and determine how we are contributing to the current condition of the marriage.”
Looking for more resources? Watch this episode of JulieB TV for an in-depth look on this topic!
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Secrets of Long-Term Marital Bliss
In this culture of throw-away everything, many young people are shocked to meet a couple who has been married for more than 20 years. They often claim to have never met someone who has been married that long. Then they ask, “How did you do that, and why?”
What helps couples experience long-term marriage?
Lead researcher Dr. Robert Levenson at the University of California, Berkeley, along with Drs. John Gottman and Laura Carstensen, launched a longitudinal study of 156 middle-aged and older couples to gain a better understanding of the emotional quality of long-term marriages. Every five years, the couples came to the Berkeley campus to talk about their marriage. They specifically focused on areas of conflict in their relationship.
Twenty-five years later, Levenson believes the research shows some significant findings.
- The first 15 years of marriage can be challenging. But, the next stage of marriage gets better. Couples stop trying to do extreme makeovers on each other. They take pride in each other’s accomplishments. And, they learn to value and genuinely respect each other.
- Many couples believe the absence of conflict is a positive thing for marriage. However, the research showed the best indicator of enjoying a long marriage isn’t the absence of conflict, but the way couples handle it.
- Believe it or not, the wife’s ability to calm down quickly after an intense argument positively impacted long-term happiness in the marriage. Interestingly, the husband calming down quickly did not have the same impact. The research revealed that couples who say “we” stand a greater chance of resolving conflict.
What about the major sources of conflict in marriage?
The research demonstrated that communication or lack thereof often is the culprit. Husbands believe their wives don’t think they can do anything right and wives often feel emotionally alone. The other big bone of contention is children.
Couples typically spend a lot of time taking childbirth classes and preparing the nursery. But, they usually spend little time preparing their marriage for parenthood. Issues arise concerning how to raise the child, division of the home workload and the husband feeling neglected.
Here’s another interesting find: Some portion of a happy, long-term marriage has to do with our DNA.
A gene that helps to regulate serotonin can predict how much our emotions affect our relationships. All humans inherit a copy of this gene variant. Some have a long version and others have a short version. Those with the short variant were more prone to unhappiness in marriage when negativity was present and happier when more positive emotions were present. Conversely, the marital satisfaction of those with the long variant was less impacted by the emotional state of their marriage.
The findings of this study give great information for couples. It’s useful whether you’re preparing for marriage, already in the midst of the first 15 or leaping into the second half of marriage. Even though people can’t change their DNA, everyone can learn communication and conflict management skills. With that said, the key to building a healthy long-term marriage is committing to be a lifelong learner.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
What Girls Need to Know About Successful Marriage
When Barbara Dafoe Whitehead was a girl, her father gave her some rules for selecting a husband.
- He should be a man of good character and conscience.
- He should be a man who will make a good father and be a good provider.
- The last rule was: No asthmatics. (Her father was a doctor and an asthmatic.)
Dafoe Whitehead has been married to a man who exuded all of these qualities for more than 40 years. The one area in which she rebelled: her husband is an asthmatic.
“Things are different now for girls,” says Dafoe Whitehead. “Both of my girls are single and in their 30s. In college, someone told one of my daughters that to think about marriage shows a lack of ambition.
“The reality is, we have left a lot of teaching about love, sex and marriage to the popular culture – reality TV, celebrity gossip, etc. Young women today hear messages of heartbreak and failure, heartbreak and cheating, heartbreak and lying. There isn’t a lot out there about being successful in marriage.”
According to Dafoe Whitehead, only 20 percent of young adults came from broken homes in the late 70s compared to 40 percent in the late 90s. Many women have personal experience with divorce. These young people gather a lot of misinformation along the way that, if acted upon, will significantly lower their chances of marital success.
“I believe there are five pervasive messages of failure that young women are receiving today,” Dafoe Whitehead says.
These misleading messages for girls about successful marriage are:
- Teenage sex has nothing to do with having a healthy marriage later. Two-thirds of today’s teens believe it is OK to have sex if you are in love. Unfortunately, the consequences of teen sex can last a lifetime–but the relationship usually doesn’t.
- It is OK to have kids first because you can find a guy later. The highest percentage of unwed births today are to women in their 20s. Although they hope to find a guy later on, evidence shows that girls’ chances of a successful marriage, or ever marrying at all, decline.
- People should live together. The evidence suggests that living together does not increase one’s chances of having a successful marriage, but there is strong evidence that it increases the chances for divorce.
- You cannot prepare for a healthy, successful marriage. There are many who believe having several bad relationships is the only way to have a good one, and that heartbreak is unavoidable.
- Your chances of divorce cannot be changed. The mantra for today’s young people is, “Fifty percent of all marriages end in divorce.” They believe that a successful marriage is a roll of the dice. Not true. There is a lot you can do.
“The truth is, young women in their teens and 20s should have tremendous hope for a successful marriage in the future,” Dafoe Whitehead says.
A lot can be done for girls in their teen years to prepare for a healthy and successful marriage later.
Making a Love Connection is an excellent resource to help teens make healthy decisions. At the heart of its hopeful message is the issue of sequence or timing. Young women can significantly improve their chances of having a healthy marriage by finishing high school, waiting until after their teen years to marry and having children after marrying. This sequential order also dramatically decreases the chances of poverty or divorce.
If you are looking for a committed relationship, don’t settle for any old guy, and don’t settle for living together. Most women want a committed relationship.
Marriage is typically a public ceremony, leaving no doubt regarding the couple’s commitment to each other. Moving in with someone is private, and the only witnesses may be the moving people. One young lady said, “I really didn’t care about wedding vows, but when I lived with my boyfriend we didn’t vow to do anything.”
If you want a healthy marriage, consider these things.
- Plan to complete your education in your 20s.
- In general, research shows that people who marry in their 20s are distinctly happier than those who marry later.
- Date with the intention and thought of marrying. Know what you are looking for in a mate and don’t date guys who aren’t marriage-minded. Frequent places where you are likely to meet the kind of person you’d want to marry.
- Don’t wait until you are engaged to get marriage or premarital education. Get as much relationship education as you can, value the knowledge and share it with others. People who know better do better.
- Finally, consider a small wedding. Many people delay the ceremony until they can afford a huge bash or a destination wedding that causes stress and fatigue. Focusing on the relationship instead of the big day itself has its perks. It allows couples to get a good emotional and financial start. Plus, it gives them more time together instead of creating debt and overwhelming tasks with the potential for conflict.
What to Teach Kids About Marriage
In a Wall Street Journal article called The Divorce Generation, Susan Gregory Thomas tells the story of her marriage. She met a guy, and they fell in love. Then, they moved in together. His parents warned them that being roommates and pals was totally different than being husband and wife, but they paid no attention. Instead, she and her boyfriend opposed their parents’ advice. They thought it was old-fashioned and sexist.
“Like many of my cohort, the circumstances of my upbringing led me to believe that I had made exactly the right choices by doing everything differently from my parents,” says Thomas.
Thomas thought her marriage would last forever. But nine years later, she found herself in the midst of an unwanted divorce.
A Generation of Divorce
“Gen X children witnessed the beginning of a divorce epidemic. This led to a divorce culture, which led to the conclusion that marriage can be a source of pain and loss,” says Dr. John Van Epp, clinical counselor and author. “These failed relationships convinced people to believe that relationships are good, but relationship definition is risky.”
According to a 2004 study by Generational Differences, Gen Xers were one of the least-parented and least-nurtured generations in U.S. history. Census data shows that almost half of them come from broken homes and that 40 percent were latchkey kids.
In the Journal of Sociology, Kate Hughes states, “Adult children of divorced parents’ failed marriages and broken families brought a fragility that led to risk-diminishing strategies.”
“Many parents sent messages to their children like, ‘Don’t marry young. Establish yourself first. Be sure. Be REALLY sure. The goal is to minimize your risks,’” Van Epp says. “Consequently, Gen Xers took the messages of apprehension a step further to avoidance. Can we form relationships without defining what they really are?”
Family Structure Matters
Van Epp believes it’s a myth that a lack of structure in a relationship is safe. Compared to children living with their own married parents, children 12-17 living with cohabitors are:
- Six times more likely to exhibit emotional and behavioral problems,
- 122 percent more likely to be expelled from school, and
- 90 percent more likely to have a lower GPA.
Additionally, the rates of serious abuse are:
- Lowest in intact families,
- Six times higher in stepfamilies,
- 14 times higher in always single-mother families,
- 20 times higher in a biological cohabiting family, and
- 33 times higher when the mother is cohabiting with a boyfriend who is not the biological father.
“Structure gives a framework to the relationship and defines the roles,” Van Epp says.
“People don’t understand that relationship dynamics without relationship structure increases their risk for experiencing exactly what they want to avoid in relationships. Whether married, single or divorced, you can teach your children about dating, partner selection and how to build healthy relationships that don’t create risks.”
The answer is not to avoid marriage but to teach kids about how to do it well. This begins when parents build their child’s confidence (not apprehension and avoidance) about how to successfully navigate romantic relationships and establish a secure and lasting marriage.
What Americans Think About Marriage
A January 2017 60 Minutes and Vanity Fair poll asked Americans about their views about marriage, and what they found may surprise you.
In 1960, 78 percent of American households were married. Compare that to 48 percent of today’s households. Why such a dramatic drop?
These days, many factors contribute to a decreasing marriage rate. Some say the stigma of divorce is not what it used to be. More women are working and are more independent. The number of couples living together outside of marriage has increased by more than 1000 percent. And, 40 percent of 18- to 34-year-old Americans are moving back in with their parents.
Despite all of these factors, this poll shows that marriage remains a goal and a dream for many.
For starters, the majority of respondents say the main purpose of marriage is to mark a commitment between two people in love. Nearly 1 in 4 sees it as providing the best environment for raising children. Interestingly, 1 in 5 does not think marriage has much purpose today.
A U.S. Census Bureau study found that only 6 percent of married couples make it to their 50th wedding anniversary. However, more than 90 percent of Americans say it’s an inspiring accomplishment to stay the course together for more than half a century. Those who reach this milestone cite good communication, supporting each other no matter what, having a sense of humor, and loving, respecting and being kind to each other as the keys to their success.
Threats to Marriage?
One out of 4 says jealousy poses the greatest threat to marriage. Other perceived threats are poverty (19 percent), boredom (18 percent), narcissism (15 percent) and the internet (15 percent).
Does being an adult child of divorce make people more likely to work harder at their marriage?
This poll found that 28 percent of Americans think that children of divorce generally work harder on their own marriages than most other people do. And, only 12 percent felt they tended not to work as hard. But get this – a full 52 percent from every walk of life felt that being a child of divorce makes no real difference when it comes to working on your marriage.
We’ve all heard that sex sells. But only 17 percent of those surveyed say they would be more entertained by an affair than by a beautiful love story that ends in marriage.
When it comes to monogamy, 2 out of 3 Americans feel that monogamous relationships are still essential for most of today’s romantic relationships. However, 1 out of 4 believes that monogamy is not realistic.
If you’re considering marriage, respondents definitely have some advice.
Their top three items on the list are to:
- Make sure you are compatible,
- Communicate, listen well and be committed to your marriage, and
- Don’t give up.
Other suggestions are to:
- Be honest and truthful,
- Make sure you are ready for marriage,
- Trust and support each other,
- Work out your issues,
- Show your love,
- Work hard at it,
- Hope for good luck.
Even though many believe marriage is out of style, it’s interesting to see how many Americans still hope to marry and want to do married well.
