How to Avoid Raising an Entitled Child
In Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Veruca Salt is the bratty little entitled child who tells her daddy she wants a goose that lays the golden eggs. Her father immediately turns to Willy Wonka and asks, “How much for the goose?”
Wonka tells him they are not for sale. Veruca says she wants one immediately, makes more demands of her father and basically throws a temper tantrum. Although her father seems embarrassed by his daughter’s behavior, he allows it to continue.
“Parents who did not grow up with a lot themselves often desire to give their children what they did not have with the intention of helping them to have a better life,” says psychologist Susan Hickman.
Perhaps that was the case with Veruca. Most people cringe at her behavior. Unfortunately, giving children a lot without earning it can lead to ingratitude and a sense of entitlement.
“Entitlement is about excess,” Hickman says. “It is like a cancer on your personality. In the formative years, if children don’t learn the correlation between effort, earning and then receiving, the effect of this multiplies as they get into their teen years and then into young adulthood. It is hard to wash out the sense of entitlement.”
Hickman believes it is a mistake for parents to lead their child to believe he/she is the center of the universe.
This mistake is often unintentional and is based on sacrificial love for their children.
“It is true that parents need to make sure their child’s basic needs are met for food, clothing and shelter,” Hickman says. But there must be a give-and-take between parents and the children. In other words, it isn’t all about the kids.
Giving your children everything they want, allowing them to do all they want to do and/or telling them they excel at all they attempt is not necessarily helpful in the long run.
There are, however, some strategies to help you avoid raising an entitled child.
-
Avoid excess. Excess leads to unrealistic expectations.
-
Stick with the basics. A phone that works is adequate. If they want something nicer, let them earn it. People tend to appreciate what they earn.
-
Hardship builds character. Instead of rescuing your children from difficulty or shielding them from natural consequences, hold them accountable. Learning lessons during hard times is unparalleled compared to easy times.
-
Encourage good citizenship at home and in the community. Doing chores and helping others without pay is part of being a good family member. Teach your children that, as a member of society, the rules apply to them.
-
Don’t reward bad behavior. If your child learns that you will ultimately give in to their persistence, this will always be their default behavior. Avoid the power struggle that often leads you to give in by giving your answer and walking away.
Utilizing these strategies when your children are young will prevent a lot of drama later in life. If you haven’t used these strategies with your teens, there is still time. Change is possible, but it won’t be pretty.
The most loving thing parents can do is to make changes that will adequately prepare them for adulthood, even if they don’t like them.
Acknowledge that change will probably be difficult, but that you love them too much to continue harmful behavior. And be sure to surround yourself with people who will support and encourage you through this process.
Other blogs:
How to Make Sure Your Child Knows You Love Them
5 Mistakes Parents Make With Their Teens
7 Things Every Child Needs to Thrive
4 Ways You Can Model Responsibility and Accountability
Brock Allen Turner is the Stanford University student who was found guilty of sexually assaulting an unconscious woman who had been at an on-campus party in January 2015.
The story initially made the news when two graduate students riding their bikes across campus witnessed the scene unfolding and came to the woman’s aid. The two called police and held Turner at the scene until they arrived.
While the jury found Turner guilty on all counts, the judge only sentenced him to six months in jail.
The judge stated, “A prison sentence would have a severe impact on him. I think he will not be a danger to others.”
At Turner’s sentencing, the victim read him a letter describing the assault’s impact on her life. If you have not read this letter, it is worth your time to do so. It can be found here.
Adding to the troubling aspect of the crime, Turner has confessed that he was drunk. He has stated that he wants to visit college campuses to talk about the dangers of alcohol and sexual promiscuity, but what he does not want to talk about is sexual assault. In fact, in some instances, Turner is being portrayed as the victim.
How can that be? When did it become acceptable behavior to take advantage of someone who is drunk?
Parents can teach their kids to be responsible and accountable for their actions.
Turner’s father wrote a letter to the judge, requesting leniency for his son, explaining that “his son’s life has been deeply altered forever by the events of January 17th and 18th…now he barely consumes any food and eats only to exist. These verdicts have broken and shattered him and our family in so many ways. His life will never be the one that he dreamed about and worked so hard to achieve. That is a steep price to pay for 20 minutes of action out of his 20-plus years of life.”
When their children become teenagers, parents frequently tell them, “You only live once; enjoy it because it won’t ever be this way again.” What parents sometimes neglect to say is “What you do or do not do in middle school, high school and beyond can impact you for the rest of your life.”
Turner was not the victim in this situation. Two lives and two families are forever changed because of his behavior.
What happened is awful on all counts. In so many situations today, many people believe their actions have no consequences.
How can you help your child make good choices?
-
Teach teens what it means to be respectful of others my modeling responsibility and accountability.
-
Make sure they understand the definition of sexual assault. Sexual assault is any type of sexual contact or behavior that occurs without the recipient’s explicit consent.
-
Hold your child accountable for their behavior, even at an early age. They will be held accountable in the real world.
-
Your teen needs to know that “Everybody else is doing it” does not justify wrong behavior.
It’s painful to watch young people struggle to find their way. While they’re in your home, diligently teach them how to live responsibly away from your care. Young people have a mind of their own and they will make mistakes. As a parent, you can walk with them, and model responsibility and accountability without shielding them from the consequences.
What You Should Know About Teens and Opioids
Dr. Nita Shumaker is on a mission. When she’s not seeing pediatric patients, she’s spreading the word about the danger of opioid use and its impact on people everywhere.
“There were 64,000 deaths in the U.S. last year due to opioid use, and that number is probably underreported,” says Shumaker. “People do not realize how addictive opioids are and that it takes very little to become addicted. We have a very serious problem. It’s like a bathtub overflowing and my goal is to stop the spigot.”
According to a Live Science magazine article, a new study found that most American teenagers who abuse opioid drugs first received the drugs from a doctor. Looking at trends in prescription opioid use among U.S. adolescents from 1976 to 2015, a strong correlation exists between teens taking the drugs for medical reasons and then taking them later for “nonmedical” reasons. In the Pediatrics journal, study author and research professor at the University of Michigan, Sean McCabe, observed findings over the past two decades. He also found that most nonmedical users of prescription opioids also used them for medical reasons in the past.
“According to studies, 1 in 4 prescriptions for opioids is misused. They are not taken, given to somebody else or taken in a manner different than prescribed,” Shumaker says. “Furthermore, 1 in 10 opioid users are at very high risk since the drug hits a sweet spot because of how their brain is wired. Probably one of the most shocking statistics is that it’s not the dose of opioids, but the length of time you take them. If you take them for more than three to five days, the risk of addiction doubles. These medications have their place, but they are horribly dangerous. You may be that one person that it trips that sweet spot and it can destroy your life.”
Shumaker encourages parents to be vigilant with their teens about the opioid epidemic.
“Changes in behavior, in the friends they choose to hang around, or their grades, pay attention,” Shumaker says. “When teens are abusing drugs, their behavior may become erratic and they may become secretive. As parents and those who care about young people, we must place the highest priority on their health and wellbeing and stop being so concerned about invading their privacy.”
Shumaker strongly encourages parents to get rid of old medications – it can keep them out of the wrong hands. The FDA says you can flush opioids. You can also crush them and mix them with cat litter or coffee grounds, then throw them away. Or, you can take them to special drop-off locations in the community. Additionally, if your teen has an injury, seek out methods other than opioids to manage pain. Taking opioids is like playing Russian roulette with your child’s life.
“I don’t think people in general, much less teens, understand the magnitude of danger opioids pose to their life,” Shumaker shares. “The new Fentanyl on the streets, which is often being illegally made, is so powerful. If you touch it, you can stop breathing. Police officers are now having to wear Hazmat suits when making drug arrests.
“This is an enormous problem. Almost no one is untouched by this epidemic. It is in the best interest of our community and future generations for all of us to pay close attention to what is happening with our teens. It is vital to remember that teens’ executive function, which helps us make wise choices, is not fully formed until age 25. We need to be checking in on our teens and helping them make good decisions.”
Kids are Losing Sleep
Have you ever checked email or text messages in the middle of the night? If so, chances are good that your kids have been losing sleep to those things, too.
The National Sleep Foundation (NSF) 2014 Poll revealed interesting findings when it comes to families and their sleep patterns.
Of those surveyed:
- 89% of adults and 75% of children have at least one electronic device in their bedrooms. While a television was the most common device, 45% of parents and 30% of children had a tablet or smartphone with them when they go to bed at night.
- 26% of parents and 16% of children sent or read emails and text messages after initially dozing off. Technology has become commonplace in the bedroom. However, the duration and quality of sleep appear to suffer when children and adults leave devices on past bedtime.
- Sleep quality was significantly worse for children who sometimes left the television, tablet/smartphone or music player on at night.
- Children who leave their devices on get less rest on school nights than other children. Parents estimate it’s a difference of nearly one hour, on average, per night.
- Parents also view the quality of their child’s sleep negatively if the child leaves electronics on during the night. This holds true even with older children, who are more likely to leave things on. Teens with left-on devices are estimated to get, on average, half an hour less sleep on school nights.
“For children, a good night’s sleep is essential to health, development and performance in school,” says Kristen L. Knutson, a biomedical anthropologist who researches sleep at the University of Chicago. “We found that, when parents take action to protect their children’s sleep, their children sleep better.”
The NSF shares these tips to improve your child’s sack time:
- Make sleep a healthy priority in your family’s busy schedule. Children ages 6-10 need 10-11 hours of shuteye. Older children need 8.5-9.5 hours.
- Set appropriate and consistent bedtimes for your entire family.
- Know how your child is using electronics in the bedroom. Create a plan for appropriate use at night and set boundaries about use before and after bedtime.
- Educate your family on how light from electronic device screens can interfere with winding down.
- Talk to your child about the importance of sleep for health and well-being.
- Create a snooze-supportive bedroom and home environment, dimming the lights prior to bedtime and controlling the temperature; in most cases, temperatures above 75 degrees and below 54 degrees will disrupt your rest.
- Encourage activities such as reading or listening to music before bedtime. These are more relaxing than watching TV, playing video games or surfing the Web.
- Make sure children’s activities, including homework, can be completed without interfering with bedtimes.
When it comes to technology, kids are following their parent’s lead.
“Parents need to be good role models in their responsible use of electronics and their children will follow suit,” says Monique K. LeBourgeois, a psychologist who researches sleep at University of Colorado Boulder.
It may be hard to resist, but setting the tone for a good night’s rest can lead to a happier, healthier home.
Looking for more? Check out this episode of JulieB TV!
The Value of Family Meals
For more than 40 years, Lynn and Pat Panter have been hosting family dinner on Sundays.
“It’s funny, this is just something we have always done,” says Lynn Panter. “When our children were little, we had Sunday dinner. As they got older, we kept on doing it. Here we are 40 years later with grown children, spouses, boyfriends and grandchildren seated around the table.”
Unlike some, the Panters don’t require or expect anyone to come for family dinners.
“There is no pressure to come,” Lynn says. “If they have something else to do, they know they are free to go do it with no repercussions for not being present. We usually have between eight and 16 people seated around the table on any given Sunday.”
Between the laughter, the stories and discussions about their day, it is always a lively experience and a great way for the family to connect.
“Even though my husband was on the road a lot when our daughters were young, the expectation was that we all ate dinner together,” Lynn says. “This was our time to catch up with each other and the events of the day. It kept us connected even when schedules were hectic.”
Research shows that regular and meaningful family meals offer a variety of benefits both to children and adults. Studies suggest that having dinner together as a family at least four times a week positively affects child development and is linked to lower obesity risk, decreased likelihood of substance abuse and eating disorders, and an increased chance of graduating from high school.
Additionally, meals provide a sense of family unity and identity as well as teaching traditions. Discussions around the dinner table not only give children an opportunity to express themselves, they also teach them to wait their turn to speak and hear many different perspectives. In some instances, they learn how to agree or disagree.
Family meals help parents transmit their values from one generation to the next and teach good table manners and etiquette. These times together as a family create a bond and shared memories that children carry with them long into adulthood.
The key to the success of these gatherings is making them technology-free zones – no televisions, tablets, or cellphones allowed.
“Some people probably wonder why we still have the Sunday dinners.” Lynn says. “I think the biggest reason we still do it is because we really enjoy being together. We look forward to catching up with each other. It’s not formal and everybody pitches in — which is a good thing. In order to do something like this, you need to enjoy doing it, otherwise, it becomes a burden.”
If you realize the value of family meals and it has been on your “to-do” list, this is the time to make it happen. Set a date, keep it simple and watch what happens. Younger family members may balk at first, but once they get in the routine, they will look forward to time together. Who knows what may be happening at your house 40 years from now?
5 Ways You Can Prepare for a Great School Year
Every fall, children head back to school. While some will be going for the first time, others will be making the transition to a new grade or perhaps even a new school. Transitioning into a new school year can be exciting, but some children are fearful. Thoughts about new teachers, concerns over moving to a new school or anxiety about a new grade are all things your child may be thinking, but not talking about. No matter how old your child is, this is an important time. Parents can help their kids prepare for a great school year by establishing rituals and consistency around the school day.
As human beings, we like to know what to expect, but this is especially true for children. When structure and consistency are missing in their lives, they tend to feel out of control. That out-of-control feeling can lead to acting out. The acting out behavior could range from temper tantrums to refusing to do homework or being disrespectful.
When preparing for a new school year, it is the perfect time to establish a game plan to help your child launch into the school year on a positive note.
Here are a few suggestions to help your child have a positive experience:
- Talk with your children before school starts about the weeks ahead. For younger children, a trip to school is very important. What doesn’t seem scary to adults may be very scary to a young child. Take their feelings seriously. Decide how many extracurricular activities will be allowed.
- Discuss emergency plans. What happens if your child gets sick? Who will pick up your children in the event of a crisis? Also, talk with your child about how you want them to deal with strangers.
- Establish a morning and evening routine. These times can be hurried and stressful, creating anxiety for parents as well as children. Determine ahead of time what you expect. Will you eat breakfast together? What time do you expect your children to be out of bed and getting ready? Who packs lunches? What time should everybody be ready to leave the house? You might want to do a couple of practice runs prior to the start of school. Evening routines might include: setting out the clothes for the next day, putting all of the school gear in one place, and touching base as a family before going to bed. This can really help the morning be a more pleasant experience.
- Make sure your child gets adequate rest. Whether you have young children or teens, research shows that they need around 10 hours of sleep.
- Know your child. Be in touch with your child’s needs. When making decisions about homework, chores, television, etc., consider these questions: Is your child an early riser or a night owl? Do little things tend to stress them out? Consider different options for accomplishing tasks.
When children see you taking their concerns about school seriously, they are more likely to be more excited and less anxious about the experience. Investing your time and effort will give your children the best chance for success.
Other blogs:
4 Ways Having a Routine Contributes to a Happy, Healthy Family
Looking for more? Check out this episode of JulieB TV on this topic!
Love Shouldn’t Hurt: Teen Dating Abuse
The former pro athlete sat in the therapist’s office, sobbing. He and his wife had taken away their daughter’s cellphone the day before. While watching television that night, a picture of the boy their daughter was “talking” to popped up. It wasn’t just any picture. It was a sexual pose with private parts exposed.
Shocked at what they saw, they had their daughter open up her phone. They were stunned to see many compromising pictures, not only of the boy, but of their daughter as well.
Devastated, the father asked the therapist, “How could this be? I will never be able to erase these images from my brain. What do we do now?”
Dr. Jill Murray, psychologist and author of But He Never Hit Me and Destructive Relationships, shared her experience working at a domestic violence shelter. She found that every woman she interviewed there began their abusive relationships when they were 13 or 14 years old, going from abuser to abuser.
While many parents might automatically suspect physical abuse, some don’t consider the possibility of teen dating abuse with incredibly controlling behavior using cellphones.
Consider this:
- 54 percent of teens say they communicate hourly with the person they are dating via cellphone between midnight and 5 a.m.
- 38 percent of teens receive texts 30 to 50 times an hour by their boy/girlfriend inquiring about what they are doing.
- 78 percent of parents are unaware their teen feels afraid in their dating relationship.
- 87 percent of parents are unaware their teen has been asked to have sex via their cellphone.
- 82 percent of parents are unaware of cellphone use through the night.
Current statistics indicate that:
- 1 in 5 young women will be a victim of sexual assault in college.
- 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 7 guys will be in a physically violent relationship.
- The vast majority (85 percent) of teen violence is not physical at all. Rather, it is emotional and verbal abuse.
- 1.5 million high school students experience physical abuse from a dating partner.
- Gender is not a qualifier.
Teen Dating Abuse: “This is a huge epidemic,” asserts Murray.
“The reason I use the word ‘epidemic’ is because if we had a disease in this country that affected 85 percent of teens we would consider it an epidemic. This is a huge problem that we can’t overlook.
“When I speak to teens I tell them, ‘If you are ever in a relationship where you feel frightened, scared to tell the truth, scared of making them angry, scared not to keep your cellphone on all night, or you spend a lot of time crying about your relationship, you are in an abusive relationship,’” Murray says.
“It is important to remember that teens have limited life experience and perspective. Their perspective is shaped by music, video games and the Kardashians. When we tell them it is not normal to be afraid or to not answer your cell at all hours of the day and night, they are shocked.”
A typical 14-year-old has no idea that a relationship is abusive when one person makes the rules, constantly changes the rules but doesn’t follow them and causes the other person in the relationship to be afraid of breaking the rules. Murray believes adults everywhere have a responsibility to educate young people about what healthy relationships look like and how to protect themselves from abusive ones.
“Education is the key,” Murray says. “In addition to teaching teens, parents need to educate themselves about the signs and symptoms of abusive relationships.”
Your Teen Might Be in an Abusive Relationship IF:
- He/she becomes physically agitated, nervous or unreasonably upset about giving up their cellphone at night.
- He/she is always tired and seems like they don’t rest because of nighttime texting.
- The person he/she is dating seems to try and isolate them from friends, family and their typical activities.
- They cry frequently, seem nervous and have trouble making decisions.
- They are constantly “reporting in” to their boy/girlfriend.
What Can You Do?
“I tell teens, love is a behavior,” Murray says. “Teens are feeling, feeling, feeling to the 10th power. Everything is big and dramatic. You can tell yourself that your feelings are anything. Then you get them to just look at behavior. Things like: He cheats on you. Is that loving behavior? She lies to you. Is that loving behavior? You’re losing sleep. Is that loving behavior?
“It gives them the opportunity to open up boxes in their head. It’s a new way of looking at their relationship that focuses on behavior. This is really important. This is the only way we can talk with them. Essentially, we are backing them into a corner where their only out is logic. Then, I tell them there are three things you have control over: your thoughts, your actions and your reactions. And hoping things will be different is not a strategy.”
Although most parents probably don’t think this could happen to their child, ignorance can be very dangerous. Despite the tension it may cause, conversations on this topic are critical. Make sure they understand what healthy and unhealthy behavior looks like in a relationship, because teen dating abuse has the potential to impact them long into adulthood.
Imagine walking out of your bedroom on the second floor and seeing your 2-year-old climbing the outside of the staircase. That’s happened to Hal Runkel, marriage and family therapist and bestselling author of ScreamFree Parenting.
“My son looked up at me with a smile and said, ‘Hi, Daddy!’” says Runkel. “He was over five feet off the ground. My anxiety level was off the charts, but I knew if I gave in to that anxiety, if I yelled or lunged for him, it would increase his chances of falling.”
From biting or refusing to eat to asking about sex or learning to drive, our kids are constantly testing our anxiety. More often than not, Runkel says, parents fail those tests by “screaming.”
Anxiety says we need to control our kids.
“If you’re like me, the more you try to control your kids, the more out of control they become, and the more out of control I become,” Runkel says. “If you are yelling at your kids, you are saying, ‘Calm me down. I need you to change your behavior so I can change mine.’ When parents learn to manage their anxiety and teach children tools to manage their own behavior, more young people will be prepared to launch into the real world. We have to remember: the goal is not to protect our kids to calm our anxiety; our goal as parents is to prepare our kids to live a productive life without us.”
Who’s In Control?
Runkel believes that good parenting is about learning how to take back our emotional remote control. He says that when we scream, we’ve lost control of the situation and handed the emotional remote control to the least mature person in the household.
“When parents focus on becoming ‘ScreamFree,’ calming their own emotional reactivity, they begin to make parenting decisions out of their highest principles instead of reacting out of their deepest fears,” Runkel says. “There are specific ways parents can do this, such as:
- See children as individuals with their own lives, decisions and futures.
- Don’t preach or threaten. Let the consequences of a child’s choices do the screaming.
- Change your vocabulary. Avoid labeling children or pigeonholing how they see themselves. Labels can be very destructive.
- See yourself as being responsible to your children – not for them. When your child throws a temper tantrum in Walmart, you’re not responsible for it. You ARE responsible for how you handle it.
What do kids want?
According to Runkel, they want parents who can keep their cool, even when things get heated… parents who are less prone to knee-jerk reactions and more level-headed.
Runkel’s message is making a difference. For example, when Runkel and his family were eating out once, a young waitress recognized him from an appearance on The Today Show. Through tears, she said, “Thank you for giving me my parents back. They heard you on television, bought your book, and now we just don’t fight as much. They respect me, and I respect them.”
Ready for more on how to stop yelling at your kids? Go to screamfree.com!
Other blogs:
My Spouse and I Disagree About Parenting
How a Parent’s Emotions Can Affect Their Child
5 Ways Positive Parenting Creates a Lifelong Connection With Your Child
