I’m going to take a guess that you’re either reading this because you and your spouse have very different sex drives, or, for some mysterious reason, their sex drive has taken a noticeable dip. Whichever the case, it can leave you feeling…

Hurt. Frustrated. Confused. Disconnected. 

Let me encourage you with this right from the start: Both situations are normal in marriage. But neither has to be a problem. With this in mind, choose the button below that best fits your situation. 

Your sex drives are different. Welcome to the marriage party! You’re not alone. It’s extremely common for one spouse to have a much higher libido than the other. 

And differing drives are only deficiencies if you allow them to be. You see, the problem usually isn’t the sex. It’s a lack of understanding each other’s differences in how you look at sex in your relationship. 

Gross generalizations certainly don’t help things: He just wants it all the time…She just doesn’t like sex… Rarely are these extremes the case, and pointing fingers or placing blame makes things worse. 

Understand this: Neither spouse is wrong or flawed. What matters is how you navigate the distance between your libidos. And sometimes, there may be underlying reasons for low libido. Choose the button below that best fits the information you want next.

What if there’s been a shift or sudden drop in your spouse’s sex drive? A dramatic reduction in libido? And that’s causing rifts and tension in the relationship… 

It bears repeating: Sex isn’t usually the problem here. It’s more than likely a symptom of something else going on. 

For example, consider these two big factors that affect sex in marriage…

If a lower-drive person feels tired or stressed out, they’re usually not going to have that “loving feeling.” A higher-drive person may find that hard to understand. 

Here’s a lightbulb moment that has helped me understand this in my own marriage: 

• You probably like having sex to de-stress. 
• Your spouse probably has to de-stress before feeling like having sex. 

Understand this, too: Some seasons of marriage are simply prone to more stress, more fatigue, and less sex. 

Have really young kids? That can do it. 

Major busyness or financial stress? Bam: low libido. 

Job got you running ragged? The bed is for sleepin’, and that’s it…

And if your spouse is getting into that… ahem… middle-age bracket, you need to know something: Physiological changes in both men and women can strongly affect sex drive. This is a good time to encourage a doctor visit just to be sure everything is ok. 

Be patient with your spouse. Understand that seasons in marriage change. Do what you can to alleviate stress and encourage your spouse to care for themselves mentally. Concentrate on the other areas where you can meet your spouse’s needs. 

If the marriage is in a rut, your spouse’s urge for sexual intimacy can experience a dramatic downshift. 

We’re not necessarily talking about major marital problems here. Maybe you just haven’t been connecting lately. Perhaps little frustrations have been getting the best of you. 

Another lightbulb moment that helped me: 

• You probably need to have sex to feel connected to your spouse. 
• Your spouse probably needs to feel connected to you before you have sex. 

Before working on more sex, focus on reconnection. Make time to talk, have some fun, and laugh. Put your next date in your calendar (ahem… without the kids). Practice romance without the expectation of sex. (Wait, whattt??) 

Remember, a decrease in your spouse’s sex drive isn’t something they’re doing to you. Often, they may not know why they feel less “in the mood.” It’s important to talk about it, practice loads of empathy, and explore together whether something may be amiss. As a couple, consider seeking professional help, like from a physician or therapist. Your chief concern is your spouse’s well-being, not the sex. 

Sex can be one of the biggest challenges a couple can face in marriage. Whether you have different libidos, are in a stage of life that has changed you or your spouse’s sex drive, or have a hard time getting on the same page with your spouse, there are some steps you can take to start down the right path.

Here’s what helps:  

• Talking about sex and striving for a better understanding of each other’s drives, needs, and expectations
• Nurturing other parts of your marital intimacy
• Compromising and focusing on your spouse’s needs
• Pro-Tip: Scheduled sex. No, seriously. Just try it!

Differing sex drives don’t have to be a deficiency. Greater communication and connection are keys to meeting in the middle of the space between spouses.