Why Date Night Matters
In the early years of marriage, couples usually find it easy to schedule date nights. Once children come along and careers get more intense though, date night takes last place on the list of important things needing attention. Before long, couples find themselves going through the motions of marriage and stuck in a rut when it comes to romance, all the while looking for a cure.
Guess what?
Date night could be the cure. Here’s why date night matters…
Helps You Connect
When life gets crazy, intentionally scheduling regular time to move away from all the distractions—children, jobs, other commitments—to focus on each other and talk about important topics helps you stay connected. This connectedness helps you feel less stressed in the midst of the chaos that is life.
Increases Intimacy
Speaking of less stress, another benefit of regular date nights is increasing intimacy and passion in your marriage. In the early years of marriage, romantic moments tend to come easily for couples. Romance often fades, however, without intentional effort to stoke the flames of desire. Date night helps couples remember why they first fell in love, and it lays the foundation for reigniting passion.
Builds Resilience
Regular date nights also help to build resilience to carry your marriage relationship during challenging times. Focusing on each other and nurturing your relationship helps you build a strong foundation for your marriage. As a result, when you encounter tough times, you have built up enough marital bandwidth to face difficulties as a team. When you come out on the other side of the challenge, your couple bond is strong instead of feeling frayed.
Increases Happiness
There is plenty of research about the significance of play and fun moments in a marriage. Howard Markman, a psychologist who co-directs the University of Denver’s Center for Marital and Family Studies, says their research indicates the more you invest in fun and friendship and being there for your partner, the happier the relationship will get over time. The correlation between fun and marital happiness is high and significant. For men, the connection is even more important. Research showed men are more likely than women to call their spouse their best friend. So go ahead and make plans to play. It’s vital for your marriage.
Energizes Your Relationship
Most couples who have been married an extended period of time will probably tell you it’s easy to fall in a rut. One day you look at each other and ask how you got to this place, especially when you vowed that you would never be that boring couple who barely has the energy to crawl to bed, much less plan a date night. Believe it or not, the routine and mundane can be the quiet killer of relationships. If this is you, it’s not too late to do something different.
Shake things up a bit. It’s kind of like working out. There are plenty of times you don’t feel like exercising, but you are so glad you pushed yourself after your workout is done. The same principle applies here, because date night matters in small ways that yield big results. It doesn’t have to be extravagant, just different than what you usually do.
Date night may seem like an optional item on your “to-do” list that requires planning and energy you don’t feel like you have right now. The truth is, date night is vital for the health of your relationship. If money is keeping you from going on a date, barter childcare with a friend for whom you can return the favor, collect all the loose change in your house and car and challenge yourselves to go on a date using that loose change.
Not feeling very creative? Here are a few ideas to get your juices flowing:
- Put the kids to bed early, pull out the candles, cook something easy or order carry out and have dinner by candlelight sans children.
- If your spouse can handle surprises, leave clues for a mystery date to their favorite restaurant or a location that has significant meaning to the two of you.
- Pull out the board games, order pizza and play on.
- Hop in the car, decide what direction you will head and how many miles you will drive. Grab a bite to eat at the restaurant closest to that mile marker and enjoy each other’s company.
Date night matters, but it doesn’t have to be extravagant to make a significant positive impact on your marriage. Don’t let the tyranny of the urgent crowd out nurturing your relationship. It’s well worth the investment.
Why do some couples embrace the empty nest while others end up in divorce court?
“There are lots of sides to the empty nest that are complicated,” says Dr. Susan Hickman, psychologist. “Many experience depression, feelings of sadness, anxiety, identity crisis and significant grief. I remember when our daughter loaded up the van and headed to Oregon. I sat on the curb and sobbed—I was inconsolable for several days.”
There are various responses to the empty nest varies from couple to couple. Women and couples with an only child, however, seem to experience the loss more intensely.
“A huge part of dealing with the transition to the empty nest comes down to how strongly a person identifies with their parenting role to the exclusion of their own self-identity,” Hickman shares. “When things come to an abrupt end, if all you have done for 18 years is focus on your child’s needs, many parents struggle to remember the kinds of things they enjoyed before children came into the picture.”
Additionally, it’s normal for each person to experience the empty nest with differing emotions within the couple relationship. One person may openly grieve the loss. Others may throw themselves more into work or a project as a distraction. This has created significant conflict in many marriages, and can lead to an empty nest divorce.
So what is the key to transitioning to the empty nest with your marriage strong and ready for the next phase of life?
“First and foremost, avoid focusing on your children’s needs to the exclusion of your own needs and the needs of your marriage,” Hickman says. “Having children does not mean you give up your friends and the best interests of your marriage. When parents put children at the center of their world, they send the message that their children’s needs trump everybody else’s needs in this community.”
When your children are older, you may want to prepare for launching a new career when they launch. There’s nothing wrong with taking a class or two, which in turn requires the kids to step up and help with chores and dinner preparation.
Remember, you are modeling how to do marriage well. If it is always about the children and never about the relationship, what message are you sending your children?
Anything you don’t cultivate will die. Children demand a lot, but you don’t want to ignore your marriage relationship. It is the foundation for a stable home which research shows children need to thrive. Many parents complain they can’t go anywhere because their children just keep calling them and driving them crazy. Hickman contends that parents train their children how to treat them. Setting clear boundaries and expectations is essential.
“Preparing for the empty nest starts when your child is born,” Hickman asserts. “Your well-being and the well-being of your marriage are as important as the well-being of your child. Recognizing from the moment you find out you are pregnant that you have 18 years with this child, but you have the rest of your life with your spouse can help you cast a vision for keeping your marriage a priority.”
Looking for more? Check out this episode of JulieB TV on this topic!
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
“We love his parents, but they have a way of creating chaos between the two of us that has gotten to the point that we are seriously considering divorce,” says Karen.
“I see this scenario in my office frequently,” says psychologist Dr. Susan Hickman. “In most instances, the parents of the now-adult child didn’t have good boundaries when they were raising their child. Now that their child is an adult and has a family of their own, the parents believe they have the right to be involved at this same level with their grandchildren and the parents.”
Think helicopter parents who seek to control all aspects of their child’s life. Now fast forward to what this looks like when their child marries and attempts to raise children in a healthy environment.
“I’m watching what his parents are doing, thinking this is insane,” Karen says. “They have a key to our home and will show up unannounced, which I think is rude. They talk about me to my husband and seem to constantly be trying to pit us against each other. When I tried to talk with my husband about this, he became angry and felt like I was dishonoring his parents.”
“Being raised in this type of environment is like being emotionally blackmailed,” Hickman says. “The terror you felt as a child who is vulnerable to the parent stays the same over time. As an adult, when you’re dealing with your parents you still feel that same terror you felt when you were 4. This is why so many young adults have difficulty breaking free. Only by violating these assumptions can this unhealthy chain be broken.”
Karen and Bob are struggling with next steps. However, many young adults actually recognize the problem and seek help, which can create even more friction between the couple and parents. And, boundaries and limits often anger parents and in-laws. Then they can become even more difficult.
“As adults start breaking free from this toxic family dynamic they should expect resistance from the parents,” Hickman says. “In the process of creating a new dynamic you will probably experience pressure to get back in line. This is a sign that you are moving in the right direction.”
Here are Hickman’s suggestions for how to deal with and break free from meddling parents:
- Set boundaries and stick with them. Your marriage and family are your first priority.
- Be patient. Things will not change overnight.
- Learn to disengage. Don’t participate in manipulative behavior. This is not as much about you as you might think.
- If your parents choose not to have a relationship with you because of the boundaries set, that is their choice. Don’t feel guilty about it.
- Don’t be afraid to seek help. An objective party who can encourage you and help you keep perspective.
“Many couples have successfully walked this road and eventually developed a healthy relationship with parents,” Hickman says. “Don’t give up!”
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Just say something about boundaries and watch what happens. Some immediately become suspicious and negative. Others believe it’s a good thing that’s necessary for healthy relationships. Why does the idea of setting good boundaries elicit such opposing responses?
Are boundaries good or bad?
“Many people view boundaries as a way to restrain them,” says relationship coach, Dr. David Banks. “They say they want to be free to do whatever, whenever they want to do it. This is not a healthy way of thinking. Living with no boundaries may sound exciting, but it can actually destroy you. The sad thing is, most of the time people don’t experience the negative impact of ‘no boundaries’ until after the fact, and then it is often too late.”
For example, take the person whose goal is to make a million dollars in a year. He basically puts his marriage and children on hold while putting his nose to the grindstone to make his million. At year’s end, he realizes he reached his monetary goal but sacrificed his relationship with his family in the process.
“Setting boundaries starts early,” Banks says. “As parents, we model this for our children. Consider the fact that when children are born, parents usually place the child between the two of them and the marriage takes a back seat to childrearing. In reality, the child should be positioned in front with the parents standing firmly behind the child. The boundary is set from an early age that you don’t come between mom and dad. As parents, your job is to receive your child, raise your child, and release your child.”
Without firm boundaries in place, life can be a bit more complicated, but it doesn’t have to stay that way.
If you’ve never had any boundaries, it’s not too late to take some steps toward setting good boundaries. Though it may be hard in the beginning, it can be really helpful in the long run.
“Many people are afraid of the backlash of setting boundaries,” Banks shares. “While it is true that things could be a little challenging for a while, keep your eyes on the goal. Ultimately, people are looking for healthy relationships—at work, in their marriage, with their children, and in friendships. Healthy boundaries help you establish priorities, manage your time better, and have fulfilling relationships with people.
“When you are spending time with your spouse and your phone rings or your teenager comes in wanting to talk about changing curfew, you see these for what they are—distractions from your priority at the moment. The phone can wait and so can your teen. Boundaries are actually very freeing.”
The following steps can be helpful for setting good boundaries:
- Understand your purpose. Who are you? What is important to you? What are your priorities in life?
- Focus on yourself, not on others. The only person you can change is you. You can’t control other people’s behavior. If your goal is to stay healthy and connected, boundaries help with that.
- Stay strong. If you’ve operated without boundaries, suddenly putting them in place could initially create chaos in your relationships. Stay the course.
- Surround yourself with a strong support system. These aren’t necessarily your best friends, but they will speak the truth to you, encourage you, and hold you accountable for the change you seek to create.
Ultimately, boundaries set the standard for expectations in relationships at home, at work and in the community. They protect you and allow you to function at your highest level of productivity.
We’ve got more great stuff about boundaries!
Help! My Spouse Hates to Talk About Boundaries!
8 Tips for Setting Technology Boundaries in Your Family
How Boundaries Can Protect Your Marriage
Setting Boundaries with Adult Children
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
How to Deal With Unspoken Expectations
Things aren’t always what you expect them to be, especially in marriage.
In his book, Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married, Dr. Gary Chapman tells about the frustration he and his wife felt in the early years of their marriage. At one point, he shares that they went for weeks without cleaning the toilet.
He couldn’t understand why she wasn’t cleaning the toilet because that was something his mom always did. Carolyn couldn’t understand why Gary wasn’t cleaning the toilet because that was her father’s chore in her childhood home. Unfortunately, neither told the other about their expectation.
When Chapman worked up enough nerve to ask his wife why she hadn’t cleaned their toilet, he finally learned she was waiting for him to do it. Needless to say, that became an interesting and eye-opening moment in their marriage.
It’s not always easy to figure out how to deal with unspoken expectations as a couple.
Truth be told, every married couple probably has a similar story. They walked into marriage thinking they knew and understood each other only to discover there were numerous unspoken expectations that each person assumed the other understood—little things like how to spend money, how many children to have (if any), where to spend the holidays, whether to buy new or used cars and how much to spend on them, who cleans the house and who handles yard work.
Looking back, even the happiest of couples will acknowledge that these “little” unspoken expectations have created tension in their marriage. And, if they had it to do over again, they would discuss them ahead of time.
So, what are some of the most common unspoken expectations?
You can probably guess many of them. Many expectations revolve around: house cleaning and maintenance, money management, frequency of lovemaking, boundaries with the in-laws, work and marriage, childcare responsibilities, punctuality, celebrations, conflict management, meal prep and meal times. The list could go on, but you get the gist. There’s lots of room for hurt feelings, misunderstandings and assumptions with unspoken expectations.
Whether you’re preparing for marriage or already married, you can probably learn a lot by having a conversation about unspoken expectations.
How do you deal with unspoken expectations? And where do you begin?
First, it’s helpful to write down your expectations, even if you think you’ve shared them before. Then ask yourself, where did these expectations come from? Many unspoken expectations are based on family traditions and values, past relationships, life experience and friends.
Next, share your unspoken expectations. As you walk through them, keep an open mind. Differing opinions don’t mean one is right and the other is wrong. The question is, how can you make that expectation work for your relationship? If you aren’t married yet, it’s important to know your non-negotiables when it comes to what you expect for your marriage.
If you’re clearly on opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to managing money, whether or not to have children, what a career path looks like, etc., don’t expect things to change once you walk down the aisle. I repeat, DO NOT EXPECT MARRIAGE TO CHANGE THESE THINGS. Many have led themselves to believe things will be different after marriage, thinking they would be able to change the other person’s mind. Not only did they not change their mind, but each person can also end up feeling angry and empty. And that can cause major problems.
Unspoken expectations can be the silent killer of relationships (so deal with them sooner instead of later).
Do yourself and your loved one a favor: be honest about your expectations and ask yourself if they’re realistic. Just because your family did it that way doesn’t mean you necessarily have to do it the same way in your marriage. Talking about your expectations ahead of time can save you a lot of headaches and heartaches down the road.
Looking for more resources? Watch this episode of JulieB TV for an in-depth look on this topic!
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Getting Past the Affair
“Life is Short… Have an Affair!”
That’s the tagline for Ashley Madison, a website encouraging married people to have an affair. When hackers exposed more than 300,000 people connected to Ashley Madison, the media went crazy. Many reporters ended their story saying that divorce lawyers need to prepare for a steep increase in business.
But wait. It may not be time to file the papers just yet.
“If we could speak to those 300,000, we would tell them to push the pause button and don’t automatically head to divorce court,” says Carrie, whose husband Greg (not their real names) utilized social media to initiate more than one affair.
“Infidelity rocked my world. It was embarrassing. I asked myself a million times, ‘How could my world look one way and have such a dark underside I had no clue existed?'” Carrie says. “I am a CEO and have been a policy advisor. I am a smart woman. You would think being married for 29 years, I would have a clue something was going on, but I didn’t.”
Greg describes himself as “that guy nobody could believe would do this.” He was a family man, active with his children and various religious activities.
“For 27 of our 29 years of marriage I was in and out of affairs and dabbled in porn,” says Greg. “I had decided my marriage would not survive when I engaged in my most recent affair. When the affair was exposed, I found myself confronted by what I had become. All these years I was oblivious to the destruction I was sowing. I know it’s hard to believe, but it is true. Looking back, I can’t believe I operated like that.”
Initially, Greg told his wife what he thought was just enough. He described a battle going on in his head over telling her everything or keeping her in the dark.
“At some point I couldn’t take the hiding, lying and deceit anymore and decided to tell my wife everything,” Greg says. “That is when things started to change. I had no idea whether my marriage was going to survive, but I knew I was moving away from something that had had a stronghold on me for a very long time.”
Counseling can help.
Greg and Carrie entered counseling with someone who understood the traumatic impact of marital infidelity. Additionally, they attended a weekend intensive for hurting marriages.
“When I first found out about the affairs I was devastated, in shock and then furious,” Carrie says. “I curled up in a fetal position for a couple of days. I journaled hundreds of pages as I walked through grieving what I thought had been my marriage.
“When we entered into counseling, I remember the counselor asking me why I wanted to stay married. I responded that I honestly didn’t know that I wanted to stay married. He said, ‘OK, let’s explore that.’ It was through counseling and the weekend experience that we learned we had no idea how to talk to each other or care for each other. We learned how to stop doing things that were hurting our marriage and utilize tools to help us communicate better. We learned a path to intimacy in our marriage we had never known before.”
Greg and Carrie began this journey 15 months before sharing their story. Though it hasn’t been easy, they’ve been able to bury their old marriage and build a new, 100% different marriage.
Rebuilding trust is possible. But it will take hard work.
“We have worked hard to rebuild trust,” Greg says. “I have accepted responsibility for my behavior and Carrie, while she is not to blame for the affair, has been able to look at her behavior as well. We have set healthy boundaries and put safeguards in place and we attend support groups both individually and as a couple. What we have found is an amazing marriage we didn’t know was possible.”
“With every crisis there is an opportunity,” says Kristina Coop Gordon, co-author of Getting Past the Affair. “What Greg and Carrie have described is not just luck on their part as a couple. It is not uncommon for couples who have experienced infidelity to believe that their marriage is over. However, based on 20 years of research and clinical experience, we have found that at least 65-70 percent of couples who choose to work on their relationship survive the affair.”
If you are reeling from infidelity in your marriage, you might find these resources helpful: beyondaffairsnetwork.com, and the book, Getting Past the Affair: A Program to Help you Cope, Heal and Move On –Together or Apart by Kristina Coop Gordon.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Resources for Dealing with Porn Addiction
Perhaps you believe that you or someone you love is addicted to pornography. While you may be tempted to keep it quiet, there are lots of resources to help with recovery.
In her book, An Affair of the Mind, Laurie Hall says there’s no easy answer. As the wife of a porn addict, she learned she had to disengage from trying to fix him. Instead, she had to take care of herself.
“You have to build your own personal foundations under you—boundaries, standards, tolerations, and requirements,” says Hall. “It was not an option to tolerate this in my home. I learned that one of the first steps toward recovery, whether you are the person addicted or the spouse, is to seek help from a trained counselor.”
Hall learned that some counselors empower the spouse who is dealing with the difficulty of being married to a sex addict. Others simply don’t understand the nature of sexual addiction.
“Working with a counselor who doesn’t get it can leave you feeling shredded,” Hall says. “I have hundreds of letters that bear out this point.”
When looking for a counselor, Hall suggests you ask:
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Where did they get their counseling training?
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Have they had specific training in dealing with sex addiction? Where? When?
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What is their approach in dealing with this subject?
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Does the counselor network with national groups who deal with this subject?
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How many people have they counseled on this issue?
After the session, ask yourself:
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Did the counselor treat me with respect?
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Does this person view me as a partner in my own healing or as a project?
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Did the counselor hear me or lecture me?
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Does the counselor encourage or discount my intuition?
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Is this person’s belief system compatible with mine?
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Did I feel safe?
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Did they offer any resources—books, pamphlets, websites and/or support groups for more information about sexual addiction?
Next Steps
If you suspect a problem, but aren’t sure, you can take a sex addiction screening test developed by Dr. Patrick Carnes, an expert on sexual addiction and recovery. You can take it online at faithfulandtrue.com under the self-assessment tab.
If you know you have a porn addiction, Dr. Mark Laaser, author of The Pornography Trap and Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction, suggests you begin by admitting the problem. Talk with an accountability partner and seek help. Put blocks on your computer and put the computer in a public place. Be straightforward about what would tempt you. Porn is in the mind of the beholder; certain things are universally considered porn, but other things like catalogs and magazines could be pornographic to an addict.
“With help from a trained counselor, we are seeing evidence that people can successfully recalibrate their brain,” says Laaser. “By demonstrating sexually pure behavior, you can rewire your brain to be satisfied with sexual purity in your marriage. Though it is not an easy process, there are people who have been successful.”
You can find additional secular or faith-based resources on these websites:
Looking for more resources? Watch this episode of JulieB TV for an in-depth look on this topic!
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Make Holiday Memories, Not Misery
Although it has been many years ago, Deanna Brann, clinical psychologist and author of Reluctantly Related: Secrets to Getting Along With Your Mother-in-Law or Daughter-in-Law, has no problem recalling “The Thanksgiving from Hell.”
It was the first Thanksgiving she and her husband spent with her son, new daughter-in-law and granddaughters. Although looking forward to seeing them, Deanna was quite uneasy. Her daughter-in-law was apprehensive, too. The stress and tension on both sides caused a huge explosion. That’s why that particular holiday is remembered as hellish by both women.
There have probably already been a few interesting discussions about this year’s holiday gatherings with the in-laws. While a first holiday together can be awkward for everyone, you may also be dealing with the stress from annual pressure from both sides of the family. Maybe each side wants you to be there because, “It just won’t be the same if you aren’t here.” Yet trying to please everyone can make the whole season miserable.
If you are the in-laws, remember what holidays were like when you were newlyweds or raising children. What would happen if you backed off on the pressure to be at your home on a certain day? Everybody might enjoy celebrating the holidays more when there’s a little flexibility.
For couples trying to navigate the holidays with in-laws, Brann offers tips to help you create great memories instead of misery.
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Have realistic expectations. Hope for the best, but be realistic. Families are families – and they are going to act how they act.
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Don’t take it personally. Stressful times and tension can cause behavior to be exaggerated. Remember that your in-laws’ indiscretions are more about them than they are about you. And your mother-in-law is probably not trying to get on your nerves. Keeping this in mind can help maintain the peace.
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Be a team player. Remember you really aren’t on opposing teams. Different opinions about certain aspects of the holiday are okay. Find ways to share the workload. Plan fun outings that can help keep people out of trouble.
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Hunt for humor. Finding humor in situations can help maintain your sanity by helping you create enough emotional distance so you won’t take people’s words and actions so personally. Plus, you’ll have some great stories to tell your friends.
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It’s just one day. You can make it through one day of just about anything. Knowing that there is an end to the evening – and that soon you’ll be seeing their taillights (buckling your seat belt) – can make all the difference. If you or your guests are staying overnight, you can close the guestroom door soon enough.
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Plan your exit strategy in advance. Visiting couples should agree beforehand how long to stay – and then leave at the predetermined time. If you’re traveling, getting a hotel room or staying elsewhere can lessen the stress.
Don’t let others steal your joy. A little advance planning (along with a good attitude) can help you make holiday memories, not misery.
Looking for more? Watch this episode of JulieB TV on this topic!
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
