My kindergartener has a large number of friends. Of course, the majority of them are “girlfriends,” but that’s a topic for a different column on another day. The most consistent comments I’ve received about his personality is that he is very affectionate and social… sometimes a little too social. He even gained the nickname “The Fonz” at a Mother’s Day Out Program he attended from ages two to five years old.
While I’m confident my son knows how to be sociable, and he loves making new friends, I’ve also heard him have a really hard time letting others be in the lead during games or imaginative play. He also struggles with knowing and maintaining his physical boundaries and the boundaries of others. He loves to give hugs and kisses, as well as wrestle you to the ground through his infamous “stepover toe hold” – a move generously taught to him by my dad.
I’ve been thinking a lot about how to influence some of these things, especially since I’m not typically there to intervene or guide him on the playground.
This year, the University of Georgia published a study that digs into this idea: how parents engage with their children on a daily basis could actually influence how they play with their peers.
According to the study, kids learn critical social skills through their primary relationships—which means their parents or caregivers are the number one influencers on the list. Whether it’s navigating who goes first on the slide or sharing that favorite toy, children draw from their daily, often tiny, interactions at home to build their “friendship toolkit.”
The researchers found that kids whose parents engage them in warm, responsive, and attuned ways tend to approach their peer relationships more positively. This isn’t about creating conflict-free zones; it’s about how we respond to those inevitable moments when things get a little rocky. It turns out that kids who’ve seen us handle a toddler tantrum calmly or negotiate an early bedtime with grace are more likely to bring these negotiation skills to the playground.
This study also aligns with what other experts in family and childhood development emphasize.
Dr. John Gottman, a prominent relationship researcher, has found that how we validate our children’s emotions—whether that’s joy, frustration, or sadness—affects their emotional intelligence and resilience. When we listen actively, we’re teaching our kids that feelings are okay, manageable, and worth talking about. This emotional literacy translates to empathy on the playground, where they start to notice and respond to the feelings of their friends.
Of course, it’s not all about warmth. Boundaries, consistency, and accountability play a big role, too. Most relationship and parent experts rally for an authoritative parenting style: a balance of warmth and firmness. This approach tends to produce kids who are self-assured yet respectful, qualities that naturally draw in friends.
Interestingly, the study also touches on how parental stress can trickle down into children’s social lives.
When we’re overwhelmed, it’s easy to slip into a short-tempered, less patient version of ourselves. While that’s normal (who hasn’t felt that way?), our efforts to regulate our own emotions help our children learn to do the same. Psychologist Dr. Laura Markham suggests that taking time to check in with ourselves and, when possible, practice self-care can have ripple effects on our children’s emotional health and friendships.
In our fast-paced, over-scheduled world, the takeaway from this research is refreshingly simple: our kids benefit most from the everyday moments where we’re fully present. Whether it’s an impromptu game of hide-and-seek or listening to the (many) detailed descriptions of today’s kindergarten art project, these connections matter. In helping our children learn kindness, patience, and resilience at home, we’re giving them the skills to become good friends with others.
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