The Art of Telling and Hearing Tough Stuff 

A friend came to me recently seeking clarity and understanding on a topic that concerned them. They graciously asked me to share the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. 

“A friend doesn’t just have the right to tell me something, they should feel obligated to share hard truths,” they said, opening the door big and wide into a potentially difficult conversation.

I shared my perspective, cleared up some misconceptions, asked questions, and spoke the truth as clearly as possible. We thanked each other for the conversation, joked about how I’d probably write about the experience in a column, hugged, and departed.

I loved this moment.

While it may have been a little uncomfortable for both of us, it was also grounding for us as individuals and for our friendship overall.

Let’s face it: friendships aren’t just shared meals, text chains full of emojis, and consistently sharing relatable reels on social media. They’re built on a foundation of honesty, trust, and—sometimes—those dreaded “we need to talk” moments. As much as we all wish friendships could sidestep the discomfort of hard conversations, the reality is that when we truly care about someone, speaking up about difficult truths can be a profound act of love. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy.

Why is it so hard to share tough truths with friends? Research by Dr. Jeffrey Hall, a communication professor and friendship expert, shows that fear of conflict, hurting someone’s feelings, or even facing rejection can make us hesitant to deliver challenging messages. These barriers are common, but they’re also the exact walls we need to climb if we’re serious about maintaining deep, genuine connections.

If you’re on the side that needs to deliver difficult information, tread thoughtfully.

Here are a few research-backed tips on making these conversations as gentle yet honest as possible:

1. Pause and Plan: Reflect on your motivations before diving in. Relationship experts suggest asking yourself: “Why do I feel compelled to share this? Is it truly for their benefit?” Avoid “tough love” if it’s rooted more in venting frustrations than helping.

2. Choose the Right Time: Timing can be everything. According to Dr. Erin Leonard, a psychotherapist specializing in conflict resolution, picking the right moment allows your friend to feel supported and grounded. Avoid moments when either of you might be overly stressed or distracted. Create a safe, neutral environment.

3. Lead with Empathy and Soft Language: Start by acknowledging the difficulty of the conversation and how much you value the friendship. Statements like “I’ve been struggling with how to bring this up because I care about you,” or “I know this might be hard to hear, but I’m saying this because I believe it matters,” can help soften the blow and show respect.

4. Stick to Facts, Not Judgments: Frame your concerns around specific actions or behaviors, not personality traits. Dr. Leonard recommends focusing on what you’ve observed rather than labeling or interpreting it: instead of “You’re irresponsible,” say, “I noticed you forgot your work deadline twice this month, and I’m worried it might be affecting your career.”

5. Be Ready to Listen, Too: When you’ve said what you need to say, make room for their response—even if it stings. A true friend should welcome the dialogue. They may need time to process or even disagree with you, but their response can often add depth to the relationship.

On the other hand, hearing uncomfortable truths about ourselves might be even harder than sharing them.

Our instinct is often to get defensive, explain ourselves, or dismiss the feedback. Embracing these moments as a chance for growth is where real resilience comes in.

Here are a few ways to do just that:

1. Listen Without Interrupting: It can be tough, but resist the urge to interject with justifications or denials. In her book Dare to Lead, Brené Brown talks about “rumbling with vulnerability”—taking a breath and letting someone else’s perspective settle before you react. This “pause” allows us to hear what’s being said without immediately filtering it through our own defenses.
2. Assume Positive Intent: Remind yourself that a real friend wouldn’t share this unless they believed it was important. Studies show that we often respond more calmly when we view the feedback as a product of care rather than critique. Try to interpret the feedback as their way of helping, not hurting.
3. Ask Questions, Not for Justification but for Clarity: If something’s unclear, calmly ask questions to gain a clearer picture. This helps clarify the message and keeps the conversation constructive. Questions like “Can you give me an example of when I did this?” or “How did my actions impact you?” can bring context without getting defensive.
4. Express Appreciation (Even if It’s Hard): A simple “Thank you for caring enough to bring this up” can transform the conversation. Not only does it help the friend sharing the hard truth feel valued, but it also signals your openness to growth. Research from the Journal of Positive Psychology shows that expressing gratitude in tense conversations often strengthens bonds rather than weakening them.
5. Reflect and Decide What to Take Away: Not all feedback will feel fair or accurate, but if you reflect on it later with an open mind, you might find something useful. Sometimes feedback is exaggerated by emotion or based on one person’s unique experience, so take what resonates and leave the rest.

Ultimately, the ability to have these hard conversations and remain close friends afterward is a powerful indicator of the friendship’s depth. Dr. Hall’s research finds that friendships marked by frequent, open communication and vulnerability tend to last longer and be more fulfilling. 

When I look at the friendships I treasure most, they’re the ones where I’ve been on both sides of this equation.

It’s not always the friends that I see or talk to every day, but they care enough to call me out when I need it. I’ve also felt the pain of sharing something that was difficult to say.

So next time you’re in the position of telling or hearing tough stuff, remember that these moments are like the deep, grounding roots that hold a friendship steady through any storm. Embrace them as an opportunity to grow—and remind your friend that your bond is strong enough to hold both the easy and the hard truths.