Our flight was canceled four hours before we were supposed to leave for our family beach vacation. We decided to drive for fourteen hours instead. With two children, ages five and one, two parents, and two grandparents, it was an “all hands on deck” experience.
After seven bathroom breaks and two food breaks, we arrived just before midnight on our first day of vacation. While everyone was in good spirits for the first few days, the lack of sleep and disruption in our usual schedule caught up with all of us by day four, especially my five-year-old son.
Seemingly out of nowhere, he began yelling “potty words” and throwing things, running around the room, and eventually packed his suitcase and said he was leaving to find a new mom and dad. I had no idea what spurred this sudden outburst of mean behavior. I was shocked and growing more and more angry with each raspberry he blew.
My gut instinct was to grab him and make him stop by any means necessary, but I chose to take deep breaths and tried to remain calm. After what felt like hours of his chaos, I wound up spewing a few “threats” that didn’t really do anything and definitely didn’t defuse the situation.
While tantrums are a normal part of childhood development, knowing how to handle them effectively can make all the difference.
Maintaining your composure is one of the most important steps in defusing a tantrum.
Dr. Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist and author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, emphasizes the importance of staying calm. Children often mirror the emotions of their caregivers, so remaining calm helps to de-escalate the situation.
Next, Dr. John Gottman, a renowned psychologist and researcher, advocates for emotional validation.
This means acknowledging and accepting your child’s feelings without judgment. Saying something like, “I see that you’re very upset because you can’t have the toy right now,” helps children feel understood and respected.
While it’s crucial to validate feelings, the third step is to set clear and consistent boundaries.
According to Dr. Tovah Klein, director of the Barnard College Center for Toddler Development, clear limits help children understand what behaviors are acceptable and what aren’t. For example, calmly stating, “We don’t hit when we’re angry,” reinforces boundaries while showing empathy.
Finally, it’s our job as parents to teach and guide our children.
This includes helping them build their emotional regulation skills. This is a long-term strategy for managing emotions. Techniques such as deep breathing or counting to ten can be introduced during calm moments, so children have tools to use when they’re upset. Dr. Becky Kennedy, a clinical psychologist and parenting expert, suggests practicing these skills regularly to make them more effective during stressful situations.
I’ll be the first to say this is the hardest step for me because I’m still working on my capacity to regulate my emotions. So, if you find yourself struggling with remaining calm, give yourself some grace, make sure your child is in a safe space, and step away from the situation for a moment. Come back when you’re able to be the guide your child needs.
While it’s impossible to avoid all tantrums, there are also a few ways to de-escalate them before they begin.
One way is by offering choices. This technique empowers children, giving them a sense of control over their situation. This strategy, endorsed by pediatrician Dr. William Sears, can prevent tantrums by allowing children to feel like they have a say in what happens. For example, “Would you like to put your shoes on yourself, or should I help you?” gives the child a choice while still achieving the desired outcome.
Another strategy to keep a tantrum under wraps is to redirect your child’s attention. This method, recommended by child psychologist Dr. Alan Kazdin, involves shifting the focus to something positive or engaging. For instance, if a child is upset about not getting a treat, you might say, “Let’s go read your favorite book together.”
Defusing tantrums is not just about stopping the outburst but about teaching children how to manage their emotions constructively.
My son’s “vacation tantrum” was eventually defused when I scooped him up, held him as close as I could, and asked him to roar like a lion with me. Sure, it may seem a little weird or unorthodox to some, but ya know what? After our deep breaths, he started crying and said, “Momma, I’m just so tired. Will you lay down with me?” So I did. And he fell asleep.
By staying calm, validating feelings, setting clear limits, offering choices, using distraction, and practicing self-regulation, we can help our children navigate their emotions more effectively. Remember, tantrums are a natural part of growing up, and each one is an opportunity to teach and connect with your child.
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