Dealing with Difficult In-Laws
If you have difficult in-laws who seem to cross the line a lot, here are some constructive strategies for dealing with them.
Don’t assume they’re intentionally trying to be difficult.
In many instances, people think they are being helpful. They don’t realize that dropping by unannounced or giving unsolicited marital or parenting advice isn’t appreciated. Get with your spouse and brainstorm things that your in-laws could do that would be helpful. Then sit down with your in-laws and talk about what you would appreciate them doing. Also, discuss things that you’d like them to stop.
What if you believe it’s truly unhealthy for your family to be around your in-laws?
Your first responsibility is to your spouse and family. If being around your in-laws creates safety issues or requires you to put your family in an unhealthy environment, you’ll want to set limits. When you know you’ll be with your in-laws, decide as a team how much time you will spend there. Perhaps a code word or signal that the tension is mounting and it is time to wrap up the visit would be helpful.
Be careful about anticipating how things will be.
In many instances, anticipating being around difficult in-laws can increase tension and actually make dealing with the situation worse.
Stand your ground.
Many couples experience marital distress because one spouse doesn’t want to hurt his/her parents’ feelings and doesn’t see how them “investing” in the marriage is harmful. If your spouse is uncomfortable with how the in-laws relate to you and your family, it is important to realize that the two of you are a team—not the two of you plus the in-laws.
Focus on those things over which you have control.
You may try to do an extreme makeover on your in-laws’ behavior, but in the end you’ll probably feel frustrated and discouraged. It might be better to focus on your own behavior and the things you do have control over, like:
- How much time you spend with them
- Topics that are off-limits for discussion
- How you allow their behavior to impact you
Want to read more about in-laws? Here you go!
HELP! MY IN-LAWS ARE RUINING MY MARRIAGE!
WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU DON’T REALLY LIKE YOUR IN-LAWS
TIPS FOR STRENGTHENING IN-LAW RELATIONSHIPS
WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU AREN’T CRAZY ABOUT YOUR FUTURE IN-LAWS
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Considering Divorce
If you’re married, it’s likely that the thought of divorce has crossed your mind at some point. The question is, what did you do with that thought? That’s exactly what researchers with the National Divorce Decision-Making Project wanted to know about people who are considering divorce.
While research exists about what leads to marital breakdown, we know very little about what actually causes people to consider divorce. The project surveyed 3,000 married people in order to better understand thought processes concerning divorce.
Researchers wanted to know things such as:
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How long have they had these thoughts?
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Who do they talk to about their thoughts and feelings?
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What marital problems are they facing?
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What do they do to address their problems and how helpful are these efforts?
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How do they make the decision about divorce and whether or not to stay together?
The findings, listed below, might surprise you.
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Thoughts about divorce are common. More than half of married individuals (ages 25-50) report thoughts about divorce, either in the past or currently. Those thoughts occur well into the second decade of marriage.
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Many in the study thought about divorce in the past, but decided to stay. Almost all of them are glad they did. They are not only surviving, but thriving. Thoughts about divorce don’t have to be a sign that separation is imminent.
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Recent thoughts about divorce are common. One in four spouses surveyed had thoughts about divorce in the last six months. While more than half have ever had thoughts – that’s exactly what they are, thoughts – they are not necessarily a prelude to marital dissolution. They may even be a spur toward relationship repair strategies.
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More-recent thinkers of divorce want to stay, not leave. They want to fix their problems, and they are not cavalier about divorce.
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People appear to rely on tools like patience, changed attitudes and commitment to resolve or simply outlast their marital problems. Fixing problems through counseling, while helpful for some, doesn’t seem to be the primary path for repairing relationships.
Based on their findings, the researchers developed practical recommendations for anyone who might be thinking about divorce. There are also tips for their friends and family.
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If you’re married: Those thoughts don’t necessarily mean you are heading for divorce court. Many people experience serious marital difficulties, but with patience and commitment, you can work through or outlast your problems and have a thriving marriage.
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If you’re a friend or family member: Realize that just because someone says they are thinking about divorce does not necessarily mean they will pursue one. Listen, give emotional support and offer an outside perspective. Those are the top three most helpful responses a confidant can give to someone who is distressed about their marriage.
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A word of caution: Abuse, affairs and addiction are serious. Encouraging individuals to seek help from a qualified professional who can assess the severity of the problem is a good thing.
Based on this study, we know that people may entertain occasionally consider divorce when the going gets tough. But, those thoughts don’t necessarily mean they are really ready to call it quits. Perhaps in many instances the old adage, “This too shall pass” is a good thing to remember.
Survey responses also indicate that couples who hunker down, commit to working on problems and seek help when needed eventually reach a much more satisfying place in their marriage. And, they’re actually thankful they did not throw in the towel.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Marital First Responders
If your marriage was in trouble, who would you turn to help you out? Would it be a spiritual leader, female friend or a co-worker? Or maybe a male friend or a family member?
“Results from our online survey indicate that people are most likely to confide in a female friend, followed by a family member, male friend and co-worker,” says Dr. Bill Doherty, professor at the University of Minnesota and developer of the Marital First Responders training. “This is important information because we know from experience that friends and family can be helpful. But, they can also throw gasoline on the fire by taking sides, giving pointed advice or criticizing the other spouse.”
After years of working in the field of marriage and family and seeing this happen, Doherty and his daughter, Elizabeth Doherty Thomas, took action. They came up with the concept of Marital First Responders.
“How many times have friends or family members confided in you that their marriage was in trouble, and you honestly had no idea what to say?” asks Doherty. “I think it is very important for people to be able to find support from those who love them and truly have their best interests at heart.
“A couple of years ago, I found a journal article about Mental Health First Aid Training in Australia. It was started by a couple who was dealing with mental health issues. Within 10 years, 1 percent of the entire adult population in Australia had gone through this training. It has now gone worldwide. I thought, ‘If they can do this for mental health, surely we can do it for marriage.’
“One woman shared that, after she learned of her husband’s affair, she kicked him out and went straight to a divorce lawyer,” Doherty says. “In the midst of the chaos, she confided in a longtime friend about what had happened. The friend shared that 25 years ago she’d had an affair. But instead of divorcing, she and her husband talked about it, got help and worked things out. The woman admired her friend and thought, ‘If they can figure out a way to make it work, I should at least try to make our marriage work.’ Both couples are together today as a result of the helpful words from a trusted friend.”
While marriage may not remedy all social ills, the research is solid that a healthy marriage benefits society at large. Whether you are married or not, you can help your married friends by being a good friend to their marriage.
Also, celebrate and take care of your own marriage and the marriages around you.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
On the Verge of Divorce?
You started out with such great intentions, but today your marriage is floundering. The emotional pain runs deep, and both of you struggle with a sense of bewilderment. How can your relationship be in such turmoil and on the verge of divorce when it started out so strong?
“I encounter many couples who find themselves in this exact place,” says Pam Johnson, a licensed clinical social worker. “They think that sex, children, money or who took the garbage out last are the issues creating obstacles in their relationship. In reality, 80 to 95 percent of what couples argue about has its origins in the first 12 years of life.”
Research shows that people learn many things about marriage during their early years of life, and they carry these perceptions into adulthood.
Johnson says that every child is born with three questions: Am I lovable? Am I worthy? Do I belong?
“We arrive into adulthood with these questions answered,” Johnson asserts. “Many people have no idea how much these questions, and what they learned about marriage early on, impact their relationship right now.”
Johnson is quick to say that couples who find themselves in what appears to be a hopeless marriage need to slow down and work to gain insight and learn skills through counseling or classes.
“Abuse, addiction, and/or chronic infidelity could make a marriage unviable,” Johnson says. “Short of those dire conditions, there is hope.”
Having unmet needs is one of the most common struggles for couples who are on the verge of divorce.
For example, a husband has played golf five Saturdays in a row while his wife is caring for their children. He walks in the door and she says, “I can’t believe you played golf again today. All you do is play. Some of us have to take care of the children.”
What if, instead of getting defensive, the husband could hear past the blast to the need behind it?
“His wife needs time for herself,” Johnson says. “If the husband can hear the need and help address the need, it becomes a win. It doesn’t mean ‘no golf,’ it means figuring out together a way for his wife to have time away, and for him to get in a round of golf.
“One of the greatest keys to moving your marriage from hopeless to hopeful is learning how to communicate.
This does not mean talking more effectively. It means listening to hear the need being expressed so you can work on meeting the need. When one spouse attacks and the other gets defensive, both alienate the very person who can help change the situation.”
According to Johnson, it’s easy for both husbands and wives to get stuck in “attack and blame” mode. Moving to a healthier place in your marriage has everything to do with your attitude when approaching the issue. When you both feel you’re on the same team, that a sense of fairness exists and you want the best for each other and your marriage, it is very empowering. People don’t walk away from a marriage that’s meeting their needs.
If your marriage is in crisis, there are resources to help you get your marriage back on track. Don’t throw in the towel on a perfectly good marriage. Ask for help.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
