DAD HACKS: For When Mom Is Having A Girl’s Night Out
Your bride gives you the news: This Friday night I’m having a girl’s night out, so you’re on dad duty. Good luck! Great. Now what?!?
First of all, CHILL! This is your chance to be the hero, to show the full potential of your dad skills, and to give both your kids and your partner a memorable night.
Here are three dad-hacks for when Mom’s at girl’s night out and Dad’s in charge:
1. Make memories!
Dads have a unique way of giving their children memories that will stay with them well into adulthood. I still remember the fun I had playing laser tag in the house with my dad one evening with all the lights off – something I’m sure Mom wouldn’t be caught dead in the middle of.
Give your kids an experience that’s not part of their typical routine.
- Have a Nerf gun war.
- Heat up some pizza rolls, turn the lights out and watch a (kid-appropriate) scary movie (the Goosebumps movies are a favorite in my house).
- Go for a night walk around the neighborhood. Or better yet, if there are woods nearby, take a night hike.
- Roast hot dogs or marshmallows in the backyard. (Marshmallows over the stove are good if there’s no backyard.)
- Have a talent show.
- Let your kiddos dress you up and have a fashion show.
- Set up a WWE wrestling ring in the living room with couch pillows and… well, you know the rest.
This is your chance to be the dad-hero to your kids for turning what could be a boring night (without Mom) into an amazing memory!
2. …But, don’t step outside what you and your partner value as parents.
What I mean here is, don’t violate the boundaries of what you’ve established together as important to your family just because Mom is gone. If weekend bedtimes are important because there’s an early morning soccer game, be sure to wrap up the fashion show or wrestling match on time. If you don’t normally allow scary movies in the house, opt for a Disney movie – or even better, one that you grew up with – which the kids haven’t seen (think Old Yeller, Labyrinth, The Princess Bride, Hook, etc.,).
The idea is to avoid compromising what you’ve both decided is important to your family just because Mom is not there to say no. It may make Dad look like the hero, but if it makes Mom out to be the bad guy (now or later), it’s not worth the risk. Trust me on this one.
3. Celebrate Mom coming home.
Making memories with Dad while Mom is away can potentially dishonor Mom.
Think about it: Mom finally gets a night out with the girls to unwind, comes home and finds half-eaten pizza rolls on the coffee table, couch cushions scattered on the floor and Nerf darts in every corner and cranny of the room – not to mention it’s midnight and the kids are still up watching Interview With a Vampire while Dad is asleep on the couch. So much for unwinding.
Instead, teach your children how to honor Mom while she’s away. Try to clean the house better than before she left. Print out pictures of your fashion show (yes, even the one of you with your new hair-do) and have the kids put them in cards they make for Mom telling her how special she is. Have the kids pick some flowers on your night hike to give to Mom when she comes come. Just one simple gesture like that can let Mom know you missed her while she was out.
If Mom comes home early before your festivities are over, prep the kids to greet her with hugs and kisses at the door. And if she’s up to it, bring her into the mix – invite her to watch the rest of the movie on the couch, fix her a s’more, or have her be the guest of honor at a special encore presentation of the talent show.
And then let her relax and go to bed while you and the kids clean up!
Allowing your partner to relax and unwind at home after she’s gone out with friends makes you a hero to the kids, AND to her, too!
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Dating after divorce or death can be complicated, especially if children are involved. As people navigate the world of dating and blending families, they’ve asked Ron Deal, stepfamily expert and author of Dating and the Single Parent, the following questions plenty of times: How soon is too soon to start dating? Should I introduce this person to my children?
“On the topic of blended families, someone once said, ‘People marry and form a blended family because they fell in love with a person, but they divorce because they don’t know how to be a family,’” says Deal.
Deal believes the key to dating as a single parent is to include the children in the bigger picture.
“Certainly, it depends on the age of the children,” Deal shares. “A younger child is more open to new adults in their life, but you don’t want to introduce your 4-year-old to a person that you just started dating. You don’t even know whether you like this person. Wait until you think this relationship really has a chance of going somewhere, then you bring them into the picture with intentionality.”
For older children, elementary and beyond, Deal suggests talking with them about it first. Ask, “What if I started dating? How would you feel about that?” This way, you are putting it on their radar that this might happen.
“Once you know that the relationship has potential, it is important to create opportunities for everybody to be together and for additional conversations to take place,” Deal says.
Deal strongly encourages couples to discuss a few things before deciding to move forward with marriage, though.
Some couples decide to test the waters with the two families by living together first. This creates ambiguity for the children. When children experience this uncertainty, it creates chaos and empowers resistance. If they don’t like the idea of the families coming together, the ambiguity leads them to believe they could make the whole thing unravel.
Deal believes, more than anything, a stepfamily needs two adults who have clarity about their relationship and the family’s future. By having conversations ahead of time, you are valuing the “we,” and then the children. If you can’t come to an agreement on your parenting styles, that’s serious. Deal believes it’s just as serious as marrying someone with addiction issues. The outcome of these discussions should be part of the equation as to whether or not you plan to marry.
“At least half to two-thirds of dating couples don’t have serious conversations about how they are going to parent when they bring their two families together,” Deal says. “If your parenting styles are vastly different, this can be a dealbreaker.”
In many instances, one parent has been making all the decisions for the children. Now add a second adult into the mix who isn’t their biological parent. What will you do when your child asks to do something and your answer would typically be yes, but your new spouse doesn’t agree with that?
There’s no question that negotiating parenting and romance all at the same time is complicated. You have to manage the complex moving parts for sure. But Deal believes that if you’re going to make a mistake as a blended family couple, err on the side of protecting your marriage.
“The goal here is to protect your marriage, which is why it is so important to talk about these things prior to getting married,” Deal asserts. “Biological parents have an ultimate responsibility to and for their children, but if you make a parenting decision without consulting your spouse, it isn’t helpful to your marriage. The goal is to co-create your parenting response. You cannot have two different answers for two different sets of kids. That unravels your “us-ness” as a couple.
“It typically takes four to seven years for a stepfamily to find their rhythm,” Deal adds. “There is no rushing it. You can’t will it into being. There are certain aspects of your family that will merge faster than others. Even in the midst of figuring out how to make it work, your marriage can be thriving.”
Looking for more? Check out this article of JulieB TV on this topic!
We can all demonstrate a healthy and responsible fatherhood model for our community. Pass this information along to friends, family, co-workers and neighbors.
With friends and in your own family…
- Participate in marriage and family enrichment programs and encourage friends to do it, too.
- Honor the covenant of marriage and be an accountability partner for fellow married friends.
- Help mothers to be supportive of fathers’ involvement with their children, and ask your wife how you can be more involved with your own children.
If you’re an employer…
- Create personnel policies and work environments that respect and encourage the commitment of fathers, and that enable parents to be more involved with their children.
- Research the effects of relocating families and find ways to make the transition as smooth as possible for employees who must move.
If you’re a civic leader, elected official or community organizer…
- Promote community organizations that model fatherhood and male responsibility.
- Strive to develop neighborhoods that are stable and supportive of family life.
If you’re a religious leader or organizer…
- Challenge fathers to assume moral and spiritual responsibilities.
- Offer a broad program of teaching, supporting, counseling and training fathers in their vital role.
- Encourage and recognize involved fathers, and provide opportunities for men to learn from each other.
If you’re a mental healthcare worker, healthcare or a family life educator…
- Begin with a view in favor of fatherhood within the context of a marriage relationship.
- Guide fathers to both accept and appreciate their unique roles within the family.
- Provide continuing education on fatherhood and its responsibilities.
If you’re a family law attorney or judge…
- Promote accountability of all fathers for each of their children.
- Reassess current trends in family law and be an advocate for responsible fathering.
If you’re an educator or childcare provider…
- Encourage fathers’ involvement in the classroom and invite fathers or father figures to participate in school activities.
- Educate boys and young men concerning their potential influence as fathers.
- Train staff about the father’s crucial role in a child’s developmental growth.
If you work in media or journalism…
- Promote articles, research and organizations that address and offer solutions to fathering issues.
- Discourage advertisements or programming that reflects irresponsible fathering practices.
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Dad, staying involved matters. Here are just a few reasons why.
Teenage girls who are close to their fathers are far less likely to become sexually active.
Teenage girls are twice as likely to stay in school if their fathers are involved in their lives.
“Fathers dramatically underestimate the importance of themselves in their daughters’ lives. They withdraw much too quickly, doubt their significance and influence, and grossly misunderstand how very much their daughters need and want to have a good relationship with them.” – Dr. Meg Meeker, author of Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters
“Fathers are far more than just ‘second adults’ in the home. Involved fathers bring positive benefits to their children that no other person is as likely to bring. Fathers have a direct impact on the wellbeing of their children.” – noted sociologist Dr. David Popenoe
Even from birth, children who have an involved father are more likely to be emotionally secure, be confident to explore their surroundings, and, as they grow older, have better social connections with peers. These children also are less likely to get in trouble at home, school or in the neighborhood. –Yeung, W. J., Duncan, G. J., & Hill, M. S. (2000). Putting Fathers Back in the Picture: Parental Activities and Children’s Adult Outcomes.
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The challenges of single parenting are many. Holding down a job, taking care of the children’s needs and household repairs, and a whole host of other things vie for the 168-hour week. How do single parents make it through the trials and come out feeling good about themselves and their children?
When Martin Luther King III was asked how his mother handled being a single parent, he responded, “My mother did the best she could. She surrounded us with caring adults, including my grandmother, who loved us and provided structure and security to help us grow to be responsible adults.”
Census reports indicate there has been a significant increase in single-parent households. In fact, more than 13.7 million men and women find themselves in the position of parenting alone. Things that have never been issues before are now on the radar screen, often producing anxiety, fear and many sleepless nights.
“I have been a single parent of three for six years,” says Richard.* “I didn’t know a soul when I moved here and had no family support. The biggest obstacle for me was keeping all of the balls up in the air. I was launching a new business and trying to keep my family going.”
Richard describes his transition into single parenthood as highly emotional.
“I was living in a one-bedroom place,” Richard says. “At the outset it was very difficult. I realized I was insecure emotionally. I remember taking lunch hours to do laundry at the laundromat.”
Fortunately, Richard found resources that were available to assist in his parenting efforts.
“The aftercare program at school was a lifesaver,” Richard shares. “There were teachers and friends who helped out in many ways. We were befriended by many people to whom I will always be grateful.”
If you’re a single parent trying to find your way, here are some helpful suggestions from seasoned single parents:
- Be organized. Make a plan for moving forward. Take time to sort through activities, job demands, a budget, available resources, etc. This will help you to be more in control of your situation and to focus on what is important.
- Focus on family. Set expectations, establish boundaries, keep the lines of communication open and set aside time to be together as a family.
- Throw perfection out the window. It isn’t about having it all together. It is about doing the best you can under difficult circumstances.
- Ask for help. It’s not a sign of weakness to ask for help. There are resources available, but you have to make the connection. Neighbors, friends and co-workers are often ready and willing to step up to the plate.
- Take one day at a time. After you have put a plan together, don’t get overwhelmed by the big picture.
After going through the trauma of a breakup, loss or abandonment, it’s easy to shy away from asking for help for fear of being seen as weak. Most single parents say this is not how they wished things would go. But over time, many single moms and dads realize the experience has made them stronger and that it is truly okay to ask for help.
Looking for more? Check out this episode of JulieB TV on this topic!
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20 Reasons Your Child Needs You
A dad’s presence is important. Here are 20 reasons your child needs you:
1. Lets your child know that you love him/her.
2. Provides your child with greater financial resources.
3. Gives your child a positive role model.
4. Provides your child with emotional support.
5. Enhances your child’s self-esteem.
6. Provides your child with guidance and discipline.
7. Enhances your child’s intellectual development.
8. Gives your child someone to rough and tumble play with.
9. Provides your child with someone to talk to when he/she has questions.
10. Increases your child’s chances for academic success.
11. Provides your child with an alternative perspective on life.
12. Lowers your child’s chances for early sexual activity.
13. Lowers your child’s chances for school failure.
14. Lowers your child’s chances for youth suicide*.
15. Lowers your child’s chances for juvenile delinquency.
16. Lowers your child’s chances for adult criminality.
17. Provides your child with a sense of physical and emotional security.
18. Facilitates your child’s moral development.
19. Promotes a healthy gender identity in your child.
20. Helps your child learn important skills.
From Reasons Why Your Child Needs You to be an Active Father by Stephen D. Green, Ph.D., Child Development Specialist, Texas A&M AgriLife
If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, there are a number of websites and organizations with excellent resources for you. HelpGuide is a great place to start, along with the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention or 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline – just dial 988.
Looking for more? Check out this episode of JulieB TV on this topic.
*If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, there are a number of websites and organizations with excellent resources for you. HelpGuide is a great place to start, along with the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention at 988 or 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
6 Tips for Vacationing with Children
Are we there yet? He’s touching my side of the seat. I’m hungry. I need to go to the bathroom. If you’ve ever taken a family vacation, you know these words are part of the package when it comes to vacationing with children.
Whether you’re taking a two or 10-hour adventure, families can actually succeed in spending lots of time together in a small confined space, create great memories and share some good laughs.
Although there’s no guarantee you’ll have a perfect trip, these suggestions can help when vacationing with children:
Include your children in the vacation planning process.
Even young children can help find information about your destination on the internet or in books. Whether you plan to camp for the weekend or take a long trip, let them help you choose the activities.
Mark off the miles.
Once you know where you’re headed, ask the kids to draw a map from home to your final stop. As you click off the miles in your car, have them fill in the road on their drawing. This will help them visualize how far away they are and may help curb a few of those, “Are we there yet?” questions.
Allow each child to assemble their own trip kit.
Make sure you give them a size limit, like a backpack, for their goody bag. Ask them to include games and toys they can play by themselves and at least one game they can enjoy with the entire family. You can even put together your own trip bag with surprise activities or treats to share. Rand McNally has fun travel games for families, including a scavenger hunt.
Create tech-free time frames along the way.
Remember the license plate game, road trip BINGO, Name That Tune and add-on storytelling? All of these would be great to teach your kids while giving them a break from DVDs or video games.
Start a daily “Positive Attitude” contest the minute you pull out of the driveway.
Select a family mascot, then award the “it” to the person who has had the best attitude of the day every evening. The selected family member can keep the mascot until it’s someone else’s time.
Plan “play breaks” into your allotted travel time.
Even adults can find it hard to travel for long distances without a break. Instead of taking the quickest route to your vacation destination, plan some stops along the way so the children can run off pent-up energy. Have lunch at a park. Look for educational points of interest along the way and give the family a break from the cramped quarters of a car.
All of this may require a little extra planning, but the outcome will be worth it. Since families get to spend so little time together these days, it’s especially important to make the best of the times you do have with each other. Here’s to happy travels and making great memories.
Greg Vaughn lost his father to Alzheimer’s years ago.
“I remember it like it was yesterday,” says Vaughn. “I know my dad loved me because he made sure our family was taken care of. But he never could say ‘I love you,’ or ‘Son, I am proud of you.’ That void left a hole in my soul.”
As Vaughn was going through his father’s things, he kept looking for something left from his dad to him. The only thing he found was a rusty old fishing tackle box.
“I was mad at my dad for dying,” Vaughn says. “I was mad at myself for not trying harder to connect with him and started to throw that old fishing box in the trash. Then I decided to see what was inside. There, I found the remains of my father – fishing lures.
“As I felt myself getting angrier, a question popped into my head, ‘Hey big shot, you are out here mad at the world. If you were to die here in the garage, what would your wife and children hold in their hands tomorrow that would let them know they were the treasures of your life?’”
The answer caught Vaughn by surprise. He had always told his children and wife how much he loved them. Additionally, they made it a point to go on family vacations, which brought great memories. However, when it came to something tangible they could hold in their hands and treasure forever from him, he couldn’t think of anything he had given them. That’s when he had the idea for Letters from Dad.
“I called 12 of my closest friends and asked them if any of them had a letter of love and blessing from their father – not counting cards,” Vaughn says. “Not a single one of them said yes. Then I asked, ‘What would you give to have one?’ The answer was always, ‘More than you could imagine.’ Then I asked each of them if they had ever written a letter like that to their children. None of them had. I looked at each of them and said, ‘Don’t you think we should?’”
That was the beginning of a very special journey for these men. They decided they wanted to leave a legacy of faith, hope and love through the lost art of letter writing.
“Men hate to write letters,” Vaughn states. “But we decided to write four letters, the first being a letter of blessing to our wives. We had some divorced men in the group. One guy chose to write a letter to his ex-wife of 10 years thanking her for making him a father. It was a healing experience for both of them.”
The second letter the group decided to write was a blessing to their children. Since Vaughn has seven children, that was a real stretch for him.
Vaughn’s daughter, Brooke, shared that until her dad gave her a letter of blessing, her most-prized possession was a coat hanger from age 10 where her father wrote, “Hey Beck – I love you – Dad.” On her 22nd birthday, she got the letter with 15 reasons why she was a blessing as a daughter. Now she says, “I have more than a coat hanger to remember my dad.”
“The third letter we chose to write was a blessing to our parents,” Vaughn remembers. “Some of us had parents who had died so we wrote letters of tribute. The fourth and final letter was by far the hardest to write. It was for our families to read after we died. Most of us leave wills and trusts and rusty old stuff. What do we leave for our families to treasure forever?”
After they finished writing their letters, the guys decided to continue meeting monthly just to stay in touch and walk the fathering journey together.
Letters from Dad has increased in popularity as fathers seek to leave a legacy to their wives and children. If you hate to write or find yourself at a loss for words, the book has lots of samples. Plus, the author is happy for you to use some of the words yourself.
Whether your children are young or old, live near or far, are estranged from you or considering never leaving the fold, you can still leave a legacy. So, consider writing a letter… or two.
