A friend reached out to me last week and asked if I thought staying in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the children involved was noble. It hit me like a ton of bricks, and I asked if we could get together to discuss further.
In short, my answer was “no.” I don’t think it’s noble to stay in an unhappy marriage for anyone involved. Doing so often leads to resentment, bitterness, and anger. Studies from the American Psychiatric Association and the Journal of Marriage and Family also show that an unhappy marriage can lead to long-term stress and mental health issues. If there is a lot of fighting in the home, there can even be long-term effects on the mental and emotional health of the children. However, leaving the relationship is also not the only answer to finding or creating happiness.
What if the question isn’t about leaving an unhappy marriage, but rather what can I do to make my marriage happier?
Marriage is one of the most profound commitments we can make in our lifetime. It can bring immense joy and fulfillment, but it can also be a source of deep frustration and sadness. As someone leading a nonprofit dedicated to fostering healthy relationships, I often encounter individuals grappling with the thought of leaving a marriage in order to be happier.
Deciding to end a marriage demands careful introspection, honest communication, and a willingness to look at the deeper aspects of our own needs and desires. The idea that happiness might be found outside of our current circumstances is compelling, but it’s essential to approach this decision with full clarity and self-awareness. However, in marriages where abuse, addiction, or infidelity is involved, understand that your safety, security, and health also need to be addressed and considered. If you are in this situation, please text BEGIN to 88788 or call 800-799-7233 to contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
First and foremost, it’s important to understand what happiness means to you.
Happiness in marriage is not just about constant joy or the absence of conflict. Research from the Journal of Marriage and Family suggests that long-term marital satisfaction is often built on a foundation of shared values, mutual respect, and effective communication. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, emphasizes that successful marriages are not devoid of conflict but rather are characterized by how couples handle disagreements and continue to nurture their bond.
Take a moment to reflect on your relationship.
Are your feelings of dissatisfaction rooted in temporary circumstances, or do they stem from deeper, unresolved issues? Sometimes, we project our personal unhappiness onto our relationship. This is where self-reflection becomes crucial. Consider your own life and ask yourself: Am I pursuing my passions? Am I taking care of my mental and physical health? Am I communicating my needs and desires clearly to my partner?
The late Dr. Sue Johnson, a pioneer in Emotionally Focused Therapy, highlights the importance of emotional connection in relationships. If you feel disconnected from your partner, it might be worth exploring why. Have you both fallen into patterns of criticism, defensiveness, or withdrawal? These behaviors, identified by Gottman as “The Four Horsemen,” can erode the foundation of any relationship if not addressed.
Before making any drastic decisions, seek professional guidance.
Couples therapy can provide a neutral space to explore your feelings and improve your communication. Research published in the Journal of Family Psychology shows that couples who engage in therapy often experience significant improvements in their relationship satisfaction.
However, therapy is not a magic solution. It requires personal growth, vulnerability, and a desire to build and deepen emotional safety with your partner. Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, reminds us that our brains are wired to form deep attachments, making the decision to grow deeper in a marriage or leave altogether particularly challenging.
If you do find yourself contemplating divorce, think about the broader impact before you take action.
Consider your children, if you have them. Staying together for their sake doesn’t mean keeping the relationship as is. It means working together to create a relational example that provides security and depth for them. Also, surround yourself with a supportive network. Friends, family, and professionals can provide the emotional support you need as you’re weighing this decision and considering your future. You don’t have to navigate this journey alone.
Remember, seeking happiness is not about running away from difficulties but moving toward a more authentic and fulfilling life. Whether you decide to stay and work on your marriage or seek other options, approach the decision with sincerity, kindness, and compassion for yourself and your family.
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