It happens to the best of us—marriage becomes mundane over time. Even those of us who are trained and educated in relationships (yes, my hand is raised) can find ourselves treating our spouse like a business partner rather than a romantic, lifelong companion.
Love songs never warn you about Tuesday nights at 8 p.m. when the kids are finally in bed, the laundry still isn’t folded, and both of you are too tired to do anything but scroll mindlessly on your phones. For most couples, this season arrives with a quiet thud.
The initial fireworks of love settle into the steady glow of responsibility, and somewhere between carpool schedules and mortgage payments, many couples find themselves wondering: Have we lost that loving feeling? Is romance still part of our relationship?
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Relationship researchers have long documented the natural ebb and flow of romantic love. A study by Dr. Eli Finkel, a psychologist at Northwestern University, describes how passion often declines over time as couples move from an intense, dopamine-fueled love (infatuation) to a more stable, oxytocin-based attachment (companionate love). While this transition is normal, it can leave couples feeling like they’re merely co-managers of a household rather than romantic partners.
Marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman, co-founder of The Gottman Institute, has spent decades studying why relationships thrive or fail. He points out that long-term relationships don’t suffer from a lack of love, but from a lack of intentionality. When partners stop investing in each other emotionally, intellectually, and physically, they begin to drift apart. This can lead to feeling taken for granted, a major predictor of marital dissatisfaction.
So how do couples reignite the spark when their marriage feels mundane? Research and experts suggest several key strategies:
1. Prioritize Novelty
Dr. Arthur Aron (most famous for his “36 Questions” to build intimacy framework) found that couples who engaged in new, challenging activities together—such as taking a dance class or traveling to a new place—reported higher levels of closeness and attraction. Doing something new together sparks the same brain chemicals that fueled early romance.
2. Express Gratitude Daily
Feeling appreciated is a powerful antidote to taking each other for granted. A study published in Personal Relationships found that expressing gratitude to a partner led to higher relationship satisfaction and stronger connection over time. A simple “thank you for making dinner” or “I love how hard you work for our family” goes a long way.
3. Prioritize Physical Touch
Oxytocin, sometimes called the “love hormone,” is released through touch, deepening feelings of bonding. The late Dr. Sue Johnson, who spent her life as a leading couples therapist, emphasized that small physical gestures—holding hands, hugging, or a quick kiss—can help maintain emotional intimacy.
4. Schedule Time for Connection
Date nights aren’t a luxury; they’re a necessity. Research by The National Marriage Project found that couples who dedicated intentional time together at least once a week were significantly happier in their relationships than those who didn’t.
5. Communicate Beyond Logistics
Many couples fall into the habit of only talking about schedules, bills, and responsibilities. Relationship expert Dr. Terri Orbuch found that couples who continued to ask each other meaningful questions—about their dreams, fears, and desires—were more likely to maintain long-term satisfaction.
If your marriage feels mundane, take heart: studies also show that relationships often improve after going through a mundane or lackluster season.
A longitudinal study from the University of California found that couples who weathered difficult patches and continued investing in their relationship reported higher satisfaction five years later than those who gave up.
The late Dr. Helen Fisher spent her career researching relationships and the brain as a biological anthropologist. In one of her studies, she explained long-term love operates on a different neurochemical system than early-stage romance, and with consistent effort, the deep attachment and affection that emerge can be even more rewarding than the initial rush of infatuation.
If marriage is a marathon, not a sprint, then seasons of monotony are inevitable. But rather than seeing them as the end of passion, couples can view them as an opportunity—to grow, to reconnect, and to choose love again.
So, the next time you find yourself scrolling through your phone while your partner sits next to you, pause. Reach for their hand. Ask them something deeper than “Did you pay the electric bill?” And remember: love isn’t just something that happens to us. It’s something we create, every day, in small and intentional ways.
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