If you have ever watched Everybody Loves Raymond, you know firsthand how overbearing in-laws like Ray’s mom can be. Giving her opinion when nobody asked for it, making off-handed comments about their parenting, criticizing decisions they make, and talking about them to each other was Marie’s style for sure. And, Raymond found it really hard to stand up to his mom, and we all know how that impacted their marriage. [Cue: Laugh Track]
Funny how so many have said they could truly identify with much of what happened on that show because they felt like they lived it every day. While some can kind of laugh it off, plenty of other couples find themselves actually having conversations about divorce because while they still love each other, they cannot figure out how to get one or both sets of parents out of their business. That’s NOT funny. Can you relate?
★ If you believe it is truly unhealthy for your family to be around your in-laws, your first responsibility is to your spouse. If being around your in-laws creates safety issues or requires you to put your family in an unhealthy situation—setting limits or creating boundaries is completely appropriate. Sometimes it may be necessary to make the decision that it’s in the best interest of your family not to be around your in-laws for a period of time. ★
If you feel like your in-laws are all up in your business, but it isn’t unsafe to be around them, the good news is, you’ve got options. You can:
- Limit the amount of time you spend with them.
- Plan ahead for how you will handle a visit that goes south.
Great! Got that part! But please tell me strategies for building a protective perimeter around my marriage!
Okay—here you go!
1. Your Marriage Is The Primary Relationship.
You both have to be intentional about making your marital relationship first. Marital distress may occur if one spouse doesn’t want to hurt his/her parents’ feelings and doesn’t see how them “investing” in your marriage is harmful. The two of you are a family and on the same team. Each person is responsible for communicating with their own parents in a way that does not throw your spouse under the bus. So, “We aren’t coming to your house this weekend because he doesn’t want to come,” is not an option on the table. Ever.
2. Stop Anticipating And Start Planning.
When you rehearse conversations in your brain, it actually gets you revved up. Stop playing it through in your mind how you think your in-laws are going to react or respond. Instead, discuss with your spouse how you want to approach or avoid certain topics. In essence, you are creating a strategy to help you both engage them and avoid being triggered by them. Make your plan together with your spouse. It may take a minute to get on the same page about how to move forward. It’s vital at this point however to remember that your spouse comes first, not your parents.
Here’s a side note worth mentioning: Before you and your spouse talk, spend some time thinking about where the angst with your in-laws is the most intense.
- Are they interfering with your marriage?
- Are they interfering with your parenting?
- Do they say things that hurt your feelings or rub you the wrong way?
This is important to know in order to make a plan to help you move forward constructively.
3. Decide How You Will Respond.
Straight out of the gates, make a commitment to respond versus react. Every time you react to a situation, you are giving over power and control. When you respond, you are calm, think before you speak, take the time to get with your spouse and discuss feelings and opinions and then share your response with your in-laws. Think through the typical scenarios that tend to take place and decide what your response will be.
If something out of the ordinary happens and you aren’t sure what to do, you are probably better off taking a moment to breathe. Maybe even take a walk around the block with your spouse to decide the best plan of action. People often regret flying off the handle, but rarely regret an intentional, constructive response. Before you say a word, ask yourself, “Will my response build up or further tear down the relationship?”
4. Set Appropriate Boundaries.
As a couple, it is important to have clear rules of engagement with extended family. When you are being clear with established boundaries, you are choosing your marriage, not between your spouse and parent.
Examples of this could include:
- We will call before we come to visit and we are asking you to do the same.
- Yes, we have given you a key to the house in the event of an emergency, but we are asking you not to use it unless there is actually an emergency.
- If we ask for your thoughts about our parenting style, please share your wisdom with us. Otherwise, we are not looking for unsolicited advice.
But what about power struggles? For real!
The best thing you can do is seek to avoid them. That sounds easier said than done, but if you and your spouse are on the same page, there shouldn’t be “power” up for grabs.
⇨ Don’t underestimate the power of a positive attitude. I know it’s hard. Dig deep. ⇦
➤ Remember, they are family. No matter the conflict, they are part of your family. Be aware of the level of tension, tones of voice, and language choice. All of these things can and will impact your children (their grandchildren). Are there behaviors you can choose to ignore? Give the benefit of the doubt? Extend grace? Ask yourselves, “Is this really worth ruining the relationship over?”
➤ Don’t assume they are intentionally trying to be difficult. In many instances, people think they are being helpful. They don’t realize that dropping by unannounced or giving unsolicited marital or parenting advice is not appreciated. Get with your spouse and brainstorm things that your in-laws could do that would be helpful. Then sit down with your in-laws and talk about what you would appreciate them doing. Also, discuss things that you would like them to stop.
➤ Relationships change and evolve. Believe it or not, many couples have been in exactly the same place you are at the moment. Through some advance planning, agreement on changes that need to be made, and strategic conversations, they now have a healthy and respectful relationship with the in-laws. It may take a minute, along with some tears and hard conversations, but don’t give up.
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Hello, my name is Robin. I have a problem with my in-laws. Is mother has insulted my marriage and lied to my husband. It infuriates me. I have been talked down to and etc. My husband doesn’t believe me. When I told him she is lying. For some reason he doesn’t understand why I feel the way I do. I told him I understand that’s your mother. Something happened he confronted them a couple of months ago. Is mother stared at me and made this pissed off face. She didn’t want to talk to him and when she did it was I made tone but I love you. His daddy sounded so sad when he talked to him. She can put up a front. When is daddy came over y to pick up Sarah he actually came in my house and talked about how he hasn’t seen me in awhile. He doesn’t do that. He just usually goes by the front door and that it. I know what they said is true. (I have eplisey) I seen how they treated him and it upset me so made I have been feeling worse.) Many months ago she actually talked rude to me infront of him. (Which is a relief b/c he was actually there). There was this van palking around infront of peoples houses and it scared me. I have a very sweet Austic girl. She like to say hi to everyone. But in a way it can be very dangerous. We have a big lot in the back of yard. We go from check to check. I didn’t want to spend the money but I felt we had to. It costed a little over $5,000 dollars. I thought that was early necessary. She asked rudely voice why I didn’t ask my neighbor for half. I told her I didn’t have the guts to. They paid it back to us. Than at the table she well Steve did and it was really his father. I feel like crap mentally. They upset me so often. My nerves are shot worry about my Austic daughter and I have that to deal with. I just don’t know what to do. It’s making me sick. It upsets my husband. But I am the one whom is getting it on the side. I am hoping he will see. I don’t want him to not be in his life but I feel like shit. Thankyou so much for your insight.