This is the last column I’ll write before welcoming our second child into the world. I plan on taking some much-needed time to care for her, our family, and myself over the next three months.

During that time, you’ll hear from several First Things First team members who are passionate about families and helping individuals, couples, and parents strengthen their relationships. I know you’ll enjoy the variety of topics and expertise they’ll provide!

While I’ve had a baby before, this season of anticipation is much different than my first. Putting the “CEO” role on pause will be challenging, and figuring out how to parent a four-year-old and a newborn simultaneously will be no small challenge. 

However, I know my mind can be at ease for the first few months because of my husband. He’s a very involved dad and doesn’t shy away from skin-to-skin time, changing diapers, or newborn cuddles. I’m grateful to him. (If you know him, please tell him I said so.)

Last year, a study from the University of Nebraska revealed a genetic correlation between men’s testosterone levels when they become fathers and how they perceived their father’s caregiving role during their adolescent years. According to the study:

“Testosterone often declines in new fathers and lower testosterone is linked to greater caregiving. Given these roles, there is strong interest in factors that affect testosterone, including early-life experiences. In this multi decade study, Filipino sons whose fathers were present and involved with raising them when they were adolescents had lower testosterone when they later became fathers, compared to sons whose fathers were present but uninvolved or were not coresident.”

In other words, sons had lower testosterone levels as parents if their fathers lived with them and were involved during their early years. The big takeaway is this study’s findings link adolescent family experiences to adult testosterone, pointing to a potential pathway between the transmission of biological and behavioral components of reproductive strategies and parenting habits from generation to generation.

Parenting styles are often adopted and built through mixed avenues.

Some parents are determined to parent differently than how they were raised. Others closely follow the patterns and habits they experienced in their own upbringing without question. 

While the debate between nature versus nurture is ongoing, this research suggests men who didn’t have a present and engaged father may find it biologically more difficult to engage and build relationships with their children. Of course, this doesn’t give anyone a free pass. Still, it does provide ammunition for the argument that not everyone begins at the same starting line.

A survey by researcher Shaunti Feldhahn revealed that men “often don’t feel like they have what it takes” to be a dad.

Couple that with the possibility that biological genetics could affect some men’s ability to be the dad they want to be, and it can seem like a hopeless battle.

However, recent findings in epigenetics, the study of how your behaviors and environment can cause changes that affect how your genes work, reveal that environmental and lifestyle changes can generate genetic behavioral changes over time. For example, someone born with a genetic predisposition to obesity can focus on a change in lifestyle and environment to reach and maintain a healthy weight.

The same idea applies to biological factors that affect how dads parent and choose to be involved in their children’s lives. With this in mind, it’s crucial for us as a society to recognize the importance of dads and promote their involvement in forming a more inclusive and harmonious society. 

If you are a dad or you know a dad who is struggling to be present in their child’s life, encourage them to check out Dads Making a Difference, a First Things First program for dads (often non-custodial) who want to spend more time with their children and build a deeper relationship with them. Learn more at FirstThings.org/DMD.

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First and can be contacted at [email protected].

Photo by Ante Hamersmit on Unsplash

Last week, an adult told my son they didn’t believe him.

In short, my son did something he shouldn’t have, and he called it “an accident.” It wasn’t a big deal, but he didn’t want to get in trouble. Instead of admitting he did it, he lied. The adult didn’t buy his story and wanted him to know they didn’t like being lied to.

A few hours later, my son told me all about what happened. He started the conversation by asking, “Mom, am I a bad kid?” And ended it with the statement, “I guess some people love me and some people never will.” (Insert shocked emoji here.)

How did this situation create an existential and relational crisis in my five-year-old?

As parents, we want our children to be honest and trustworthy. But it’s normal for kids to lie sometimes. Research by Kang Lee, a developmental psychologist at the University of Toronto, suggests that lying is developmentally appropriate and children will begin experimenting with it between the ages of two and three. Lying doesn’t mean they’re bad kids, but they need our help.

Let me give a simple example: If you bring home a puppy, you know accidents will happen. It’s normal. Trainers say the best way to teach a puppy is by taking them out frequently and giving them over-the-top praise when they go outside. If they have an accident inside, you shouldn’t shame or yell at them. Otherwise, they’ll probably keep having accidents, but they will do it secretly and hide from you.

Likewise, when teaching kids not to lie, we have to show them how to tell the truth and encourage them. Shaming or yelling will make them feel like they have to hide a lie from you. And the cycle continues. Thankfully, there are many good ways to guide kids positively.

Here are some tips:

1. Build a strong bond through a secure attachment. A warm and supportive relationship makes kids feel safe to tell the truth. Research conducted by Bowlby and Ainsworth in attachment theory shows how a secure attachment provides a foundation of trust and emotional security, which encourages honesty and open communication between parent and child. This doesn’t mean they’ll never lie, but it does mean they’ll feel better about telling you the truth when asked.
2. Talk about feelings and how to process them. Kids might lie to avoid feeling bad. Teach them how to handle emotions in healthy ways. Research by Gross and Thompson highlights the importance of emotion regulation skills in promoting honesty and moral development in children.
3. Teach empathy. Research by Hoffman and Eisenberg demonstrates that fostering empathy helps children understand the impact of their actions on others, reducing the likelihood of deceptive behavior. Help your child understand how their lies affect others and model compassionate behavior in your interactions.
4. Solve problems together. Involve your child in finding solutions to why they lie. By collaborating with your child to identify alternative ways to handle challenging situations, you empower them to make honest choices and take responsibility for their actions.
5. Respond, don’t react. If your child lies, stay calm and ask why. Ask why they didn’t feel like they could tell the truth, and let them know it’s okay to tell the truth. Remember, children tend to internalize between the ages of three and seven, meaning the words you use could have a lasting impact on your relationship with them and the way they see themselves.
6. Get help if needed. If lying continues, seek advice from a doctor or counselor. Professional support can offer additional insights and strategies tailored to your child’s specific needs.

Lying is part of growing up. But how we handle it matters most. Remember to be patient, caring, and curious as you help your child learn honesty.

There’s a story about an older fish crossing currents with two younger fish. The older fish makes small talk by asking, “How’s the water today, fellas?” Almost in unison, the younger fish reply, “Fine,” as they continue on their way. Then one of the younger fish turns to the other and asks, “What the heck is water?” 

Of course, the moral of the story is that the younger fish have been so busy doing fish things that they’ve never noticed the most obvious element of their environment.

We’re reaching a saturation point in our environment where digital technology is standard and so deeply embedded that we barely even notice it, let alone question it. We’re busy doing our human things. 

A question like why there is a screen in the gas pump showing highlights from a late-night talk show hardly seems worth asking. Exploring how all of this technology affects us, our families, and society can seem like a quirky curiosity. Just enjoy it, right?

It’s become difficult to think of an aspect of everyday life that doesn’t run on ones and zeros zipping through a server in some far-off, climate-controlled room. As much as I could live without commercials while I’m pumping gas, I can’t imagine life without today’s remarkable technologies. 

I’ve become absolutely dependent on my smartphone, smartwatch, tablet, and laptop. And streaming music and movies. And my car navigating as its sensors help keep me safe. And Alexa turning on my lights. And Google answering my questions in a nanosecond. And artificial intelligence anticipating when I’ll be low on coffee. 

It goes on and on. You get the point. But we can’t just swim around in this stuff without asking sensible questions. Sure, I love what technology has given me, but what is it taking? Should I be concerned that the smartphone in my pocket is apparently not convenient enough? Wearable technology is expected to grow to 489.1 million devices globally this year.

There are legitimate concerns about the effects of screen time and social media, particularly for children and teens. About half of teens report feeling overwhelmed by the daily notifications they receive. Teenagers who spend five hours a day on electronic devices are 71% more likely to have suicide risk factors than those with one-hour use.

Smartphones, laptops, and Wi-Fi allow many of us to collaborate with our co-workers from home. That’s awesome. But research indicates that most infidelity occurs between co-workers and begins via text and email– avenues of communication that lend themselves to secrecy and allow intimacy to escalate quickly. That’s tragic.

The average American adult reportedly checks their phone 344 times a day. 35% admit to using or looking at their phone while driving, causing 26% of car accidents and killing 11 people per day. 

There are genuine catastrophes associated with our infatuation with technology. And there’s some plain puzzling stuff. 61% of Americans reported that they had recently texted someone in the same room. Over half say their smartphone is their most valued possession. According to multiple surveys, a third of Americans indicated they would rather give up sex than their smartphone. Um, what?

Does. Any. Of. This. Sound. Healthy? Can we talk about our culture’s relationship with technology and take an honest look at our own? Can we learn how to enjoy the benefits of technology for ourselves and our families while avoiding these hazards?

Over the next few weeks, this space will engage the question, “What the heck is water?” I hope to see you here.