First Things First is sharing tips on expectations in marriage, feeling burned out, & treating your family well!
Your spouse is the love of your life, but the people who gave your spouse life don’t like you. This is a difficult situation to navigate. Let’s skip past: Are you absolutely sure your in-laws don’t like you? If your in-laws don’t like you, you probably know it all too well. What can you do about it?
Understand the unique factors that affect relationships with in-laws.
First, step back and understand how strange in-law relationships are by definition.1 Hopefully, this will reframe your situation and possibly take some of the sting out of their lack of approval. Then you and your spouse should focus on healthy, practical ways to keep in-law issues to a minimum.
Your relationship with your in-laws is one of the most unique relationships in your life. Think about it. This relationship:
- Is involuntary. (I could just stop here.)
- Begins from scratch in your adulthood.
- Is deeply mediated by a third party. (Your spouse.)
- Is labeled IMPORTANT but hasn’t earned that status organically.2
Relationships with in-laws can have significantly more challenges than other relationships. By legal and ceremonial formality, your in-laws instantly became important, influential people in your life. This isn’t how relationships typically form and grow. It’s actually the opposite of how relationships naturally operate. Keep in mind that these relationship dynamics are in play for your in-laws too. (They may be struggling to navigate them with you.) No wonder there is so much drama with in-laws.
You might have to do some “mental gymnastics” to be your best self.
Their opinion of you is just that, their opinion. Understanding how you were tossed into a relationship with such unusual dynamics should inform your expectations. Your goal is to work toward a posture of:
I’m not happy about it, but I get it. Relationships are already complex, and this in-law thing is extra complicated. I can’t make anyone like me. Maybe, as our relationship has time to grow naturally, things will improve. In the meantime, I can focus on loving my spouse by being kind, respectful, and diplomatic toward their parents when we all have to be together.
And then, you can fully turn your attention to your relationship with your spouse. Because that’s where it needs to be. You need solid communication with your spouse about this, and you need their support.
You’re working to come to terms with the fact that your in-laws don’t like you (just yet), but your in-laws don’t get to intentionally hurt you, play tug-of-war over your spouse, or meddle with your marriage. Unfortunately, these problems and other in-law issues are extremely common.
As you work to adopt a healthy perspective, your in-laws don’t get a free pass to hurt you or your marriage.
This triangulation of you, your spouse, and their parents can produce unusual challenges and has been the subject of a good deal of research. In-law terrain is fertile soil for all sorts of problems, assumptions, and complications.
- Enmeshment is when a parent thinks they should be the most important person in their son or daughter’s life, even after marriage. It usually occurs between fathers and daughters and mothers and sons. This can create a “contest” of affection for a daughter- or son-in-law.3
- A son may often take their mother’s side when issues arise, causing their wife to feel betrayed and unsupported. But sons often report doing this because they view their wife as stronger, more resilient, and more flexible than their mother.4
- When wives were told a set of positive statements came from their mother-in-law, wives tended to view those statements as veiled criticisms. When wives were told a similar set of positive statements came from their mother, wives tended to view the statements as sincere and supportive.5
- Similarly, relationship distance between individuals and their in-laws is often interpreted negatively. “My in-laws don’t like me and are shutting me out.” But relationship distance between an individual and their parents is often interpreted positively. “My parents are being considerate and respectful of my marriage.”6
Fortunately, your relationship with your spouse is the key.
Here’s what you and your spouse need to do to avoid or minimize in-law issues:
1. Put your marriage first. This is what that will involve:
- Agreeing to be a “buffer” and play the “bad cop” with your own parents. As a general rule, each spouse should handle any hard conversations with their own parents. Each spouse should be proactive about being a “buffer” between their parents and their spouse when necessary.
- Developing a strong “team” identity.
- Standing up for each other in front of in-laws.
- Not oversharing or disclosing intimate details with parents.
- Keeping each other’s needs and feelings the top priority.
- Making final decisions together.
2. As a couple, set appropriate boundaries with parents and in-laws. Parents and in-laws shouldn’t:
- Insert themselves into your decisions as a couple.
- Invade your privacy as a couple.
- Intentionally make you or your spouse feel bad.
3. Have honest and transparent communication with your spouse. These will get you started:
- This is specifically why I don’t think your parents like me, and this is how it makes me feel. You know your parents better than I do. Am I reading your parents correctly?
- Do you have any insights on how to improve my relationship with your parents or at least move forward in a healthy way?
- These are specific situations when I think your parents are stepping over the line. Are we on the same page? How can we navigate these situations in the future?
Thinking your in-laws dislike you can potentially make you feel insecure or reactive around them.
When your spouse’s parents don’t like you, it can put you, your spouse, and your marriage in a vulnerable position. Remember what you can control and what you can’t control. Your in-law’s opinion of you is ultimately out of your control. (It’s okay. Relationships with in-laws are strange to begin with.) How much their opinion affects you and your marriage is up to you and your spouse. Remember: Your spouse isn’t your in-laws and your in-laws aren’t your spouse.
Sources:
1Prentice, C. (2009). Relational Dialectics Among In-Laws. https://doi.org/10.1080/15267430802561667
2Fingerman, F.L., et al. (2012). In-Law Relationships Before and After Marriage: Husbands, Wives, and Their Mothers-in-Law. https://doi.org/10.1080/15427609.2012.680843
3 Weiss, R. (2021, November 8). How to Avoid In-Law Conflicts. Psychology Today. How to Avoid In-Law Conflicts | Psychology Today
4 Apter, T. (2009, August 11). In-Law Conflict and Troubled Marriages. Psychology Today. In-Law Conflict and Troubled Marriages | Psychology Today
5Bryant, C.M, et al. (2004). The Influence of In-Laws on Change in Marital Success. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2001.00614.x
6Mikucki-Enyart, S.L. (2018). In-Laws’ Perceptions of Topic Avoidance, Goal Inferences, and Relational Outcomes. https://doi.org/10.1080/15267431.2018.1492411
Resources:
Download: How To Have Convos With Your In-Laws Guide
So, You Need to Talk To Your In-Laws About Boundaries
5 Tips For Distancing From Your In-Laws
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Love Bombing In Marriage: What It Is & What To Do
Motivations and intentions are key.
True love has to be an end in itself, not a means to a selfish end. So, you’re in the early stages of your marriage. Love is present all around. But something seems to be changing. Your spouse has always shown lots of affection and even adoration for you. These traits are part of the reason you fell in love with them. Who doesn’t like being showered with love and affection? But now, it’s different. Your spouse is more demanding of your time and attention. They’re just more demanding in general. Is this the end of the “honeymoon phase,” or could it be love bombing in your marriage?
Have you been love bombed?
Love bombing can sometimes be mistaken for the honeymoon phase of a marriage. There are stark differences, though. Psychoanalyst Babita Spinelli, L.P.1, says, “in the honeymoon phase, love is shown by a desire to focus on what the other person is interested in. Gestures tend to be thoughtful and not with an intent to impress.” The difference between genuine love and love bombing lies in the intent. Love bombers shower their partner with affection while expecting something in return. Love bombing is about control.
How do you know if you’re being love bombed?
Here are some red flags therapists and counselors have identified.2,3
- Your gut tells you something isn’t right. Pay attention to your gut. Do you feel confused or uneasy?
- They buy you extravagant gifts. Over-the-top gifts are a hallmark sign of love bombing. Their true purpose is to make you feel like you owe your spouse or they own you. A healthy relationship can’t be bought.
- They overwhelm you with compliments. There’s nothing wrong with compliments, but constant flattery is a red flag. Love may help us see the positive in our significant other, but no one is perfect.
- They communicate non-stop. Love bombers want all your attention, 24/7. In our digital world, it’s normal to communicate frequently. But love bombers not only communicate unceasingly but get frustrated when you don’t respond immediately.
- The relationship feels unusually intense. Love bombing is a manipulative technique to make you feel indebted to the love bomber. You may feel overwhelmed by them in the relationship.
- They demand all of your attention. They want all your time and attention. To be in love is to enjoy each other’s company, but it’s also to respect that you are both individuals. You have friends, family, and colleagues with whom you enjoy spending time. Love bombers want you all to themselves.
- They do not like any boundaries you establish. Boundaries are a barrier to them getting what they want. They will often stomp on your boundaries and blame you for pushing them away.
- You feel uneasy with their level of affection. Your spouse should respect your boundaries when it comes to affection. Some people don’t like being showered non-stop with gifts, hollow praise, and physical love. They need space. A love bomber will push their affection on you.
- You feel like you owe them. Love bombers want you to feel indebted to them. Their grand gestures are often a way to cover up their inconsistencies or bad behavior.
- They know a lot about you, but you know very little about them. It’s a common practice for love bombers to learn as much about you as possible to manipulate you. They often only reveal superficial information about themselves.
★ Love bombing may be a sign of narcissism.
Both narcissists and love bombers use “love” as a tool to manipulate their partners. They control their spouse and boost their own ego by showering them with gifts or flattery. This can be a form of emotional abuse. Click here for warning signs of the narcissistic abuse love bombing cycle. Click here for counseling resources.
What to do if you’re being love bombed in marriage.
You’re not alone. Don’t feel like you have nowhere to turn. A study on individuals living with pathological narcissism found these individuals had difficulties maintaining healthy close relationships.4
Let loved ones in on your relationship.
They may already see the signs of the love bomber but don’t know how to approach the situation. Find a close friend who you can confide in about your feelings. They may be able to identify patterns you don’t see.
Reflect on these questions:
Does your spouse…
- Frequently “leverage” gifts, flattery, and other expressions of “devotion” to control, manipulate, or belittle you?
- Express their “love” in ways that make you feel misunderstood, indebted, or smothered? Is your spouse’s love selfless or selfish?
- Seem to “keep score,” and you’re always behind?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you need to have a conversation with your spouse. Here’s how. (And check out this blog to learn more about narcissism.)
Let your spouse know how you feel.
You might not know where to start the conversation, but here are some great places to begin.
- I appreciate the gifts but feel they may be a little too extravagant. I don’t need lots of gifts to know you love me.
- I would like us to work out a schedule to spend time with our own friends. They are so important to each of us.
- I appreciate your loving texts, but I can’t respond during work hours. Know that I love you and will read them and respond when I can.
One of two things may happen. They may realize they’re unintentionally hurting you and ask how they can love you in more meaningful ways. (They genuinely care about your feelings and desire a healthy relationship.) Or, they will try to make you feel like you’re the problem. They aren’t doing anything wrong. How can you be so ungrateful? (Now, what?)
Talk with a therapist.
No matter how they respond, it might be wise to seek counseling about how you feel. If your spouse blames or shames you, you may need to speak to a counselor on your own. If your spouse desires a healthy relationship, you can seek counseling together.
The difference between love bombing in marriage and healthy displays of love is your spouse’s motivations and intentions. Love and affection with strings attached may be love bombing. Have a conversation with your spouse, set appropriate boundaries, and seek help if needed.
Sources:
1Moore, A. (2022, April 30). What is Love Bombing? 12 Signs in a New Relationship. MBG Relationships. https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/love-bombing
2Gillette, H. (2022, March 10). Spotting Narcissistic Love Bombing: What It Is – and Isn’t. PsychCentral. https://psychcentral.com/disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder-love-bombing
3Andersen, C.H. (2021, June 30). What is Love Bombing? 11 Ways to Spot this Relationship Red Flag. The Healthy. https://www.thehealthy.com/family/relationships/love-bombing/4Day N.J.S., et al. (2020). Living with pathological narcissism: a qualitative study. Borderline Personality Disorder and Emotion Dysregulation. https://doi.org/10.1186/s40479-020-00132-8
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