How to Prevent Bullying
Paul Coughlin’s passion to prevent bullying comes from his own bullying experience while in elementary school. He understands how a campaign of cruelty can damage a person’s emotional and psychological well-being, not just in childhood, but often for life.
This knowledge, along with his passion, led him to start an anti-bullying effort called The Protectors, whose primary focus is on the potential strength, heroic desire and rescuing capacity of bystanders. Studies show that bystanders possess the most potential to transform an environment of bullying into one of character, freedom and justice. One study revealed that if only one bystander, whether popular or not, uses his or her assertive but nonviolent words in defense of a target, the incident of bullying can end 58 percent of the time within six to eight seconds.
How prevalent is bullying in schools?
-
One out of every four students report being victims of bullying during the school year. (National Center for Educational Statistics, 2015)
-
Of children who are bullied, 64 percent did not report it. (Petrosino, Guckenburg, DeVoe, and Hanson, 2010)
-
School-based bullying prevention programs decrease bullying by up to 25 percent. (McCallion and Feder, 2013)
-
The reasons for being bullied reported most often by students were looks (55 percent), body shape (37 percent) and race (16 percent). (Davis and Nixon, 2010)
According to Coughlin, an expert witness regarding bullying and the law, bullying is not about conflict and miscommunication. It is about standing in contempt of another human being.
“It is a myth that the bully has anger management problems,” says Coughlin. “Bullies are highly predatory people. Bullies tend to come from homes with coercive parenting styles where parents express disdain and contempt of people who are different from them. Young people learn through modeling, this is how you treat people.”
What can you do to prevent bullying?
-
Speak Up. If someone is bullying you, tell them to stop.
-
Bystanders are the best front line of defense. Stand up for the victim when you see bullying happen. Phrases such as, “Stop it, that’s wrong,” “Let’s do something else,” “I am going to report you” are powerful and can stop the bullying.
-
Schools can adopt anonymous reporting. One of the top five apps changing the world for good, as reported by CNN, is an anonymous reporting app called STOPit.
-
Take the incident seriously. Act sooner rather than later.
-
Don’t look the other way. When you know something is happening, report it.
“What’s really going to change bullying is when we change parenting,” Coughlin says. “As parents, we need to expect our kids to help someone in need. It needs to be part of your family mission and purpose. I have actually had this conversation with all three of my kids. I expect you to do something life-affirming. We don’t stand by and watch someone’s psychological flesh get seared from their body and do nothing.
“Research actually shows that when we see someone being targeted and you have the power to act yet you do nothing, our capacity for courage, sympathy and empathy decrease. We become small-souled. If we want strong kids, this is a pivotal moment. This is a tremendous opportunity for character development.”
Although it is not possible to prevent bullying altogether, there is no excuse for allowing it to continue if you know it is going on. Speaking up for yourself or another victim can make a huge difference both now and in the future.
Ways to Prepare Your Child for Kindergarten
Thousands of children will soon make the transition from preschool or home to kindergarten. Some children will look forward to this moment with great anticipation, but others may experience some anxiety about leaving familiar surroundings. Regardless of how your child is feeling, parents play a powerful role in helping make the transition a smooth one.
Timing Is Everything
Now is the time to begin emotionally preparing your child (and yourself) for this new phase in life. Your attitude makes a big difference. Even if you are struggling with the idea of your little one going off to kindergarten, your goal is to deal with your emotions appropriately and prepare your child to make the most of this rite of passage.
Tips to Help You Prepare Your Child for Kindergarten
- Visit the school where your child will be attending kindergarten.
- If your child has not been in the care of someone other than Mom and Dad, allow your child to stay with other trusted adults prior to kindergarten to help them get used to another adult being in charge.
- Plan activities with other children where your child has to learn to take turns and share.
- Point out colors and shapes at the grocery store and count apples, bananas or cereal boxes.
- Encourage active play, especially pretend play, with other children.
- Read, read, read.
- Limit TV, computer, tablet or smartphone screen time.
- Encourage independence in managing daily tasks. For example, teach your child how to tie their shoes, let them set the table, make their bed, dress themselves, etc.
- Start your school routine early to help your child adjust to the change in schedule.
Dealing with Your Emotions
If this is your first child or your youngest child headed off to kindergarten, the transition may be more emotional than expected. Guard against behaviors that might upset your child. If you are anxious about being away from your child, talk with other parents who have already experienced it. Instead of going home to an empty house on the first day of school, plan to have coffee with a supportive friend.
While it can be scary to leave your child at school, remember this: Most teachers love children dearly. They care about their social and emotional development as much as they care about their academic growth.
Helping Your Child Through the First Week
The first week can be especially hard for your child. Here are some ways to make it easier:
- Be supportive. Adjusting to school may take time. Ask, “What was the most fun thing you did in school today?” Then ask, “What was the hardest thing for you?” Only ask this after you have discussed what was fun. Don’t expect your child to tell you every detail.
- Instill a sense of confidence in your child. Celebrate your child’s successes. It takes time to adjust to new people, new activities and a new environment. Don’t expect perfection.
- Set aside a time each evening to share your child’s day. See if your child has brought home any drawings, paintings or scribbling. After a few weeks have passed and your child has gotten used to school, ask about play in the classroom, stories the teacher read, recess, etc.
- Read everything the school sends home. During the first weeks of school, children bring home a wealth of information about routines, important dates and meetings that you will need to know about. Make sure to check your child’s backpack daily.
- You may want to go over with your child — in a positive, calm way — the information you have supplied to the school on the emergency card. This includes who may pick your child up other than you, where she can go if you’re ever not home, etc.
Looking for more? Check out this episode of JulieB TV on this topic!
Why Fathers Matter
Dr. Warren Farrell, psychologist and author of Father and Child Reunion, was intrigued with why children with active fathers do so well. In an attempt to better understand it, he spent more than a decade analyzing worldwide research.
“I knew when I started this research that dads were important, but I had no idea how important,” says Farrell. “We are 100 percent certain that children do better in 26 different areas when they grow up in intact families. Children clearly pay a price when their fathers walk away or mothers keep dads away.”
A father’s impact starts at birth. For example, boys who have contact with their father show greater levels of trust at only 5 or 6 months. A study of black infants found the more interaction the boy had with the father, the higher his mental competence and psychomotor function by the age of 6 months.
As children grow, fathers teach children to have empathy. Dads are usually more firm about enforcing boundaries. Teaching children to take boundaries seriously teaches them to respect the needs and rights of others.
“Fathers also play a huge role in teaching delayed gratification, the single most important highway to maturity,” Farrell says. “When children are allowed to do something without having to do anything to get there, it undermines this process.”
Children with fathers present in the home do better academically, especially in math and science. This is true even if they come from weaker schools. A study by two Harvard researchers found that even when race, education, poverty and similar socioeconomic factors are equal, living without a dad doubled a child’s chance of dropping out of school.
Another study of boys with similar backgrounds found that by the third grade, boys with present fathers scored higher on every achievement test. They also received higher grades. The more years children spend with single mothers, the fewer years of school they complete.
“When fathers are present, children have better mental health,” Farrell says. “They are more likely to get along well with other children, sleep well at night, be trusting of others, and are less likely to be aggressive or participate in risky behavior.”
The National Center for Health Statistics reports that:
- A child living with his/her divorced mother, compared to a child living with both parents, is 375 percent more likely to need professional treatment for emotional or behavioral problems;
- Ninety percent of homeless or runaway children are from fatherless homes; and
- Most gang members come from mother-only households.
“Growing up in an intact family gives children a jump-start in life,” Farrell says. “If a divorce is unavoidable, there are three absolute essentials to give children:
- Equal amounts of time spent with both parents;
- The mother and father should live close enough (no more than 15 minutes) that the child doesn’t have to give up friends or activities to see the other parent; and,
- The child is not able to overhear or detect bad-mouthing of the other parent.
If these three things happen, children tend to grow up almost as well as children in intact families.”
It’s very helpful if we understand that what dads do or don’t do really matters. Moreover, the way mothers handle it impacts their child’s life forever.
Looking for more? Check out this episode of JulieB TV on this topic!
A Checklist for Sending Your Child to College
In addition to sending her own two sons to college, Rose-Marie Hippler helps hundreds of families get ready for the college sendoff.
“Having been through this personally as well as professionally, I bring experience and expertise to parents and their young adults as they leap into the next phase of life,” says Hippler, who has a master’s of social work and is an independent educational consultant at Winter Park College Consultants.
“There are usually a lot of emotions stirring around as the anticipation of going off to college draws closer,” she says. “I remember when we were on the countdown. There were days when I thought the first day of college couldn’t get here fast enough. I decided that was a way of preparing you to say goodbye.”
Hippler believes one way parents and their teens can keep nerves and anxiety at bay is to create a plan. There’s a lot to accomplish before the college sendoff, and it can be overwhelming. Working on a plan of action TOGETHER can be super helpful.
These things may not be on your radar, but Hippler says they need to be on your checklist if you’re sending your child to college:
- Make sure your teen has had a physical and all the shots they will need. If your teen is on regular medication, you’ll want to transfer their prescription to a local pharmacy and make sure they know how to refill it on their own. And, unless you have signed the HIPAA form, healthcare professionals cannot legally give you information about your injured or hospitalized adult child.
- Make a copy of everything in their wallet in case they lose it, which will probably happen at least once.
- Mark all the upcoming events on your calendar. Don’t forget parent’s weekend, sports events you plan to attend, Christmas and spring breaks and even the mid-term and finals schedule. Make hotel and/or travel reservations early for events such as parent’s weekend and airline reservations for your student’s Thanksgiving and winter breaks.
- If your teen hasn’t already opened a checking account, now is the time. Instead of making all the financial arrangements, let them do it. It gives them a good indication of your investment in their education. Plus, it lets them get the hang of balancing a checkbook and keeping up with their own money. (FYI: If you EVER need to talk to someone at the school about billing, financial aid, or school records, your student must give you permission by signing a FERPA waiver. Otherwise, you’ll get absolutely nowhere.)
- Alcohol, drugs, sex and consent, campus safety and mental health issues are factors on every college campus. Your teen probably thinks they have a really good handle on things. However, it’s still a good idea to have some serious conversations about campus conduct or what to do in a mental health crisis. There are too many examples of how things that happen in the college years impact people’s lives. [Read How to Teach Your Daughters the Importance of Consent; How to Teach Your Son About the Importance of Consent]
- If they don’t know how to do their laundry, teach them then let them do their thing. The first time Hippler visited one of her sons, she noticed a stack of sheets in his laundry basket. He explained that he put all three sets of sheets on his bed at once so he could pull off the top fitted and flat sheets and be ready to go. Then he waited until they were all dirty to wash them. It’s not the way she would have done it, but it worked for him.
- Tell them you believe in them and they have been preparing for this their entire life. From the time they went to kindergarten, to middle school, and then to high school, those firsts have been preparing them for this next step in their journey.
Sending your child to college is a big deal for both of you. If you’re struggling with letting go, find experienced friends to walk you through this time of transition. And keep reminding yourself that this is normal.
5 Ways You Can Prepare for a Great School Year
Every fall, children head back to school. While some will be going for the first time, others will be making the transition to a new grade or perhaps even a new school. Transitioning into a new school year can be exciting, but some children are fearful. Thoughts about new teachers, concerns over moving to a new school or anxiety about a new grade are all things your child may be thinking, but not talking about. No matter how old your child is, this is an important time. Parents can help their kids prepare for a great school year by establishing rituals and consistency around the school day.
As human beings, we like to know what to expect, but this is especially true for children. When structure and consistency are missing in their lives, they tend to feel out of control. That out-of-control feeling can lead to acting out. The acting out behavior could range from temper tantrums to refusing to do homework or being disrespectful.
When preparing for a new school year, it is the perfect time to establish a game plan to help your child launch into the school year on a positive note.
Here are a few suggestions to help your child have a positive experience:
- Talk with your children before school starts about the weeks ahead. For younger children, a trip to school is very important. What doesn’t seem scary to adults may be very scary to a young child. Take their feelings seriously. Decide how many extracurricular activities will be allowed.
- Discuss emergency plans. What happens if your child gets sick? Who will pick up your children in the event of a crisis? Also, talk with your child about how you want them to deal with strangers.
- Establish a morning and evening routine. These times can be hurried and stressful, creating anxiety for parents as well as children. Determine ahead of time what you expect. Will you eat breakfast together? What time do you expect your children to be out of bed and getting ready? Who packs lunches? What time should everybody be ready to leave the house? You might want to do a couple of practice runs prior to the start of school. Evening routines might include: setting out the clothes for the next day, putting all of the school gear in one place, and touching base as a family before going to bed. This can really help the morning be a more pleasant experience.
- Make sure your child gets adequate rest. Whether you have young children or teens, research shows that they need around 10 hours of sleep.
- Know your child. Be in touch with your child’s needs. When making decisions about homework, chores, television, etc., consider these questions: Is your child an early riser or a night owl? Do little things tend to stress them out? Consider different options for accomplishing tasks.
When children see you taking their concerns about school seriously, they are more likely to be more excited and less anxious about the experience. Investing your time and effort will give your children the best chance for success.
Other blogs:
4 Ways Having a Routine Contributes to a Happy, Healthy Family
Looking for more? Check out this episode of JulieB TV on this topic!
Dealing with Homework Pressures
At the beginning of the school year, a second-grade teacher in Texas sent this letter home to her classroom parents:
After much research this summer, I am trying something new. Homework will only consist of work that your student did not finish during the school day. There will be no formally assigned homework this year.
Research has been unable to prove that homework improves student performance. Rather, I ask that you spend your evenings doing things that are proven to correlate with student success. Eat dinner as a family, read together, play outside, and get your child to bed early.
Thanks, Mrs. Brandy Young
A parent posted the letter on Facebook with a hearty thank you to the teacher. It went viral as parents nationwide expressed frustration at the amount of homework their children had, along with the stress it created in their homes.
Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman is a clinical director at the New England Center for Pediatric Psychology who contributed to a study published in the American Journal of Family Therapy regarding homework.
She has serious concerns about how much homework children have and its impact on them.
“One study found kindergartners were given 25 minutes or more of homework,” says Donaldson-Pressman. “Homework for kindergartners is supposed to be nonexistent. Children at this age need to be playing outside, experiencing the early stages of socialization, learning how to play, and how to share so they are finessing their motor skills. Family activities and play are more important than homework at this age.”
Donaldson-Pressman believes parents have a lot more control than they realize. Parents can set limits for how long their child does homework.
The National Education Association recommends only 10 minutes per grade level per night.
The same study that found kindergartners spend too much time on homework also found that first graders spent 25 to 30 minutes. By third grade, kids spent more than a half-hour per night. Donaldson-Pressman noted that in her practice, some third graders spent two to four hours on homework – and their parents can’t help them.
According to Donaldson-Pressman, the data shows that homework over the recommended time is not beneficial to children’s grades or GPA. Evidence actually suggests that it’s detrimental to their attitude about school, grades, self-confidence, social skills and quality of life.
If homework creates pressure or stress in your home, Donaldson-Pressman says you can help decrease the angst if you:
- Create a quiet place to do homework.
- Try to do homework at the same time every day.
- Set a timer for 10 minutes for a first-grader, and then have them stop. Fourth graders need to move on to something else after 40 minutes.
As a parent, you probably already know how important it is for children of all ages to get enough rest. Plus, you want them to have time to play, develop friendships outside of school hours and engage in family activities.
In addition to managing the homework situation, assessing your child’s activities and how much pressure kids feel to perform can help. Hopefully, these ideas can allow your family to enjoy more quality time together after a long day at work and school.
