Tag Archive for: parental role

Do Fathers Really Matter?

Dads impact their kids for a lifetime.

If you watch almost any show on television that involves a father these days, it’s common to see a dad portrayed as an idiot when it comes to his children and family. In real life, many people tell men straight up: You don’t really parent, you babysit. 

People spent more than $20.1 billion celebrating Dad for Father’s Day 2021. Why all the celebration if dads really don’t make that much of a difference in the lives of children? 

In an article for the Institute for Family Studies, Dr. William Jeynes, Harvard graduate and professor at California State University, Long Beach highlights his recent meta-analysis of 34 studies regarding the unique role fathers play in childrearing. He found statistically significant effects between good fathering and a number of outcomes for both boys and girls.

Jeynes looked at whether fathers make a unique contribution in raising children compared to moms.

The meta-analysis included 37,300 subjects. In the study, Jeynes and his team defined the unique fatherhood contribution as paternal monitoring, involvement and childrearing activities that can be distinguished from activities undertaken by the mother, another guardian, relative or caregiver.

A clear theme emerged. While mothers were often the more nurturing parent, fathers appeared to be more involved in preparing children to deal with life. Fathers also seemed to more realistically assess their children’s future behavior problems. In some cases, fathers were better predictors of their child’s future cognitive performance than moms were.

Jeynes also found that father involvement or monitoring led to lower rates of delinquency and substance abuse among boys and girls. That’s in addition to students performing better in school and having better attitudes while in school.

The analysis showed mothers consistently demonstrated higher average levels of patience and nurturing than fathers. However, fathers tended to expect more of their children. And fathers placed greater emphasis on the preparatory aspect of childrearing, more so than mothers.

Results also suggest that it establishes a balance when the father’s unique role is combined with the mother’s distinct role.

According to Jeynes’ analysis, the importance of fathering is undeniable, and father involvement is greatly connected to family structure. He also asserts that father engagement is best in two-parent families, mainly because mothers typically lead single-parent families.

Jeynes also cites a 2015 article appearing in Education Next. The piece indicates that children living in two-parent families consistently receive more schooling than those in single-parent families, with the gap increasing over time. 

Additionally, statistical analyses of nationwide data sets show that, on average, children raised by their biological parents in intact married families academically outperformed their counterparts who lived in cohabiting families and never-married, single-parent families.

Coming from a two-parent, intact family helps kids experience high levels of mother and father engagement. It doesn’t guarantee that mothers and fathers will be involved, though. Nevertheless, the changing makeup in family structure in recent decades has ultimately made father involvement more difficult. 

Jeynes offers these thoughts based on his research outcomes: One of the most child-sensitive and family-sensitive actions one can take is to develop a greater appreciation of the value of fatherhood, and it is not only unwise to diminish the salience of fathers, but it’s also mindless to do so. Moreover, it is blatantly unkind to America’s children to detract from a vital parental role for their future fulfillment. To be truly pro-child is to be pro-father.

Don’t underestimate the role fathers play in raising children to be successful adults. If you want to model being pro-child and pro-father, here are some things you can do. 

  • If you’re a mom, encourage positive male role model involvement in your child’s life.
  • Visit with your children as often as possible if you’re a non-residential dad,. Avoid making promises you can’t keep. You can also be very intentional about teaching them important life lessons.
  • If you are an educator, encourage fathers to be active in the classroom.
  • Be a positive male role model for the kids in your community.
  • Faith-based institutions and programs can bring fathers together with their children. Encourage healthy and appropriate male role models to engage children in their sphere of influence.
  • If you’re a business leader, encourage employee participation in community efforts with children. For example, promote mentoring with organizations like Big Brothers-Big Sisters, youth groups, Boys and Girls Club or Girls, Inc.  

There’s no denying that a healthy father positively impacts his child’s life and that father absence dramatically affects a child’s ability to thrive throughout life. 

Hal Runkel and his family went to the Waffle House for breakfast one Saturday morning. Upon arrival they received coloring books and paper hats just like the cook wears.

“Shortly after ordering, Brandon, our 2-year-old, became restless,” says Runkel, marriage and family therapist and author of ScreamFree Parenting. “Nothing made him happy. The waitress brought him a waffle which ended up on the guy’s leg who was sitting at the next table. At that point I picked Brandon up to go outside and in the process hit the same guy in the head with Brandon’s leg. By this time everybody in the restaurant was watching. As I went out the door, it slammed behind me, shaking the glass.

“I stood outside shaking my fist and yelling at my son. When we came back inside I sat down and looked across the table at my wife who was trying to contain the smirk on her face. At that moment I realized I still had the Waffle House hat on my head. Clearly, I looked pretty silly, but the truth is I didn’t need that hat to make me look foolish.”

Runkel contends that in many instances it isn’t the children acting foolish; it’s the parents.

Becoming a ScreamFree parent isn’t about becoming a perfect parent with the perfect techniques to raising perfect kids.

You don’t have to have all the right answers at all the right times in order to be the parent you want to be. Instead, you just have to learn to calm down.

“I am convinced that good parenting is about parents learning how to take back their own emotional remote control,” Runkel says. “Parents have to make sure they are being the grown up in every situation… no matter what the children do.

“When a parent is screaming what they are really saying is, ‘Calm me down, I can’t handle what you are doing right now.’ At that moment the parent has lost control and handed the emotional remote control to the least mature person in the household.”

According to Runkel, when parents focus on calming their own emotional reactivity, they begin to make parenting decisions out of their highest principles instead of reacting out of their deepest fears.

There are six keys to being a ScreamFree parent:

  • Give your child physical and emotional space. See children as individuals in their own right, with their own lives, decisions and futures.
  • Don’t preach or threaten. Let the consequences of a child’s choice do the screaming.
  • Be an advocate for your child’s development.
  • Change your vocabulary. Don’t label children or pigeonhole how they see themselves. Labels can be very destructive and should be avoided at all costs.
  • See yourself as being responsible to your children – not for them. For example, when your child throws a temper tantrum in WalMart, you’re not responsible for it, but you are responsible for how you handle it.
  • Know that the greatest thing you as a parent can do for your kids is learn to focus on yourself.

“What every child wants are parents who can keep their cool, even when things get heated,” Runkel says. “Children want parents who are less anxious and prone to knee-jerk reactions and far more level-headed. Your children want you to remain unflappable, even when they flip out. Most parents’ biggest struggle is dealing with their own emotional reactivity. That is why the greatest thing we can do for our children is learn to focus on us, not them.”

Looking for more? Check out this JulieB TV episode on this topic!

Image from Unsplash.com

Whether you are a son or a daughter, mom or dad, relationships change quite a bit when after marriage. Here are tips for strengthening the relationships that bind you together as a in-laws and family.

How to be a good mother/father-in-law

  • Let your in-law make his/her own decisions without meddling from you.
  • As the relationship between your child and his chosen partner deepens, expect that they will want to spend more and more time alone, together.
  • Make positive comments about your child’s spouse – both in private and in public.
  • See your in-law as an individual. Do not compare him/her to others, and do not become too wrapped up in the stereotype of the “perfect” in-law.
  • Make your in-law feel needed.

How to be a good son/daughter-in-law

  • Maintain direct contact with your in-laws. Don’t enlist your spouse as an unwilling “go-between.”
  • Find a comfortable way of addressing your in-laws. Solicit their help in determining what they would like you to call them.
  • Try to see your in-laws as individuals separate and apart from the role they play.
  • Be real and authentic with your in-laws.
  • If you feel jealous about your spouse’s relationship with his/her parents, talk to your spouse, to better understand each other’s feelings.

How to be a good child/spouse

  • Encourage your partner and your parents to relate to one another directly. Don’t allow yourself to be put in the middle.
  • Compliment your spouse and your parents in front of each other.
  • Do not tolerate criticism from either one toward the other.
  • Don’t make your spouse responsible for the relationship between you and your parents.
  • Do not play your spouse against your parents.

Looking for more? Check out this episode of JulieB TV on this topic!

It’s coming and you know it’s coming, and you’re doing everything in your power NOT to think about it. But when your youngest child leaves and you’re alone with a deafeningly silent house, you’ll want to be ready for the transition.

Thousands of young people head off to college each year, leaving their parents with a lot of time on their hands. Although they understand their role has changed, they are not quite sure what that means. Everything is different. No more school sports. No need to buy so many groceries. The mess throughout the house? Gone. It’s officially an empty-nest.

Some parents are excited about this newfound freedom while others find this time rather depressing.

“Making this transition can be tough,” says Pam Johnson, licensed clinical social worker and mother of two adults who have flown the nest. “You have to stay focused on the idea that your child is becoming his own person and pursuing dreams, which was the goal all along. Instead of lamenting the fact they don’t need you anymore, think about what they do need and the opportunity you have before you. As parents, we often put off our own interests to focus our attention on the needs of our children. This is a new season filled with opportunities.”

Johnson recalls that when her daughter went off to college, she and her husband dealt with the transition differently. Her world was turned upside down, but her husband seemed to take everything in stride. When she asked him about it, he explained that their daughter was happy. And he felt confident they had given her a great foundation to stand on her own two feet.

Johnson offers these strategies for making the transition to the empty-nest:

  • Plan ahead. Don’t wait until your child leaves to think about how you will deal with your extra time. Plan some projects to occupy your time. Be intentional about scheduling weekend activities you can do as a couple.
  • Set limits for yourself. As your child settles into a new routine, there will be lots of demands on their time. Let your child make the first phone call and try to limit yourself to checking in once a week. E-mailing or texting are great ways to check in and be supportive without being intrusive.
  • Be there when your child needs you. The first few months may be hard for your child. Encourage perseverance. Send care packages and cards. Make your home a refuge to which they will want to return.
  • Consider the next thing. You have been given the gift of being a parent for a season of life. As that role changes into the empty-nest, you will want to consider what’s next. Keep your eyes and heart open to where you need to go in life and what you want your life to be about.

“Letting go is hard,” Johnson says. “You want to let go of them gracefully.

“Here’s a little secret. When they come home, you will be happy to see them come home AND you will be happy to see them go because you will have transitioned into new routines and rituals that aren’t all about them.”

Image from Unsplash.com

Looking for more? Check out this episode of JulieB TV on this topic!

How Taking a Break Benefits Moms and Kids

Stepping away can be a great thing for your family.

Some moms think leaving their children with someone else, even for a short time, is not an option. However, taking a break can benefit both moms and kids.

“I know moms who feel guilty if they are not with their children 24/7,” says Leslie Parrott, therapist and co-author of The Parent You Want to Be. “It is almost as if leaving the kids with someone else would be a sign of weakness. Yet, I know many moms are tired and stressed and long for a break.”

Dr. Parrott knows exactly what it is like to long for a break. She gave birth prematurely to her oldest son, and he required round-the-clock extended care.

“Even though I felt some guilt about leaving John in the care of someone else, I knew I needed some time away to relax and re-energize. Taking care of a medically fragile baby is quite stressful. Scheduling 1 ½ hours away for quiet time, twice a week, helped me to be a better mom. I realized I could not pass on what I did not possess. If I was exhausted, my son picked up on that and was fussy as well.”

Children need to understand that attachment can remain firm even when there are brief parental absences. 

When they have the opportunity to rehearse this, they learn that there are other people in their lives who love them and can take good care of them.

“If parents never give their children the opportunity to experience these absences, when it is time to enter kindergarten or they are separated for some other reason they often experience extreme anxiety,” Parrott says. “I remember my father telling me about his first day in kindergarten. He had never been away from home before so he was very nervous. His class went outside for recess and when the bell rang, he panicked. He could not remember where to meet the teacher, so he just walked home.”

Being away from your children can refresh you.

It may also give you fresh perspectives about them, Parrott advises, even though some parents may feel anxious about leaving their children to take a break.

“There have been times when I have gone away and come home and received a report on my children from their caregiver, allowing me to see them through her eyes,” Parrott says. “Things I don’t see because I am around them all the time are the very things our babysitter points out to me. I get the benefit of her wisdom. One time, upon returning from a trip, my friend asked me if I had noticed how much John had matured. ‘He is implementing his politeness skills with everyone,’ she said.

“I think that moms who deny themselves the luxury of time away and time for their marriage truly believe they are doing something heroic. What I have experienced with many of them is they are tired, stressed and frustrated. And, their heroic acts don’t create the results they imagine.”

When considering the parent-child relationship, the parent’s call is to always be the healthiest person in the relationship. Taking a break can help with that.

If you’ve never been away from your kids, Parrott encourages moms to do something different.

Here are some suggestions:

  • Schedule brief absences. Even short periods of time away from your children can be refreshing for your family.
  • Don’t worry about making sure everything stays the same. In reality, a short change in routine won’t damage the children.
  • Find friends you trust, with children the same age as yours. This was a blessing for the Parrotts. The children became such great friends that they begged to get together again. The next visit became a play date for the kids and the parents!

“I truly believe the best gift I can give my kids is the gift of love from other people besides their mother and father,” Parrott says. “I walked in the door on Saturday night from an out-of-town speaking engagement. The children were all ready to get out the keyboard because our babysitter had taught them a duet. They don’t know how to play the piano. I could tell she had spent time coaching them and doing something different than I would have given them even if I had been home. I smiled as I watched them play and thought to myself, ‘This is good.’”

Looking for more? Check out this episode of JulieB TV!

As a parent, you might be in too much of a hurry if:

  • You talk on the phone when your child tells you about their day;
  • Your kids eat most meals in the car;
  • You dress your child when she can dress herself – buttoning, zipping, finding her coat, etc;
  • Your child constantly hears, “Are you ready?” or “Hurry up!”;
  • Your child never completes a project at playtime;
  • You don’t have time to read to your child or let him/her read to you; and
  • You don’t have enough time to talk with and listen to him/her.

Why does this matter?

All of these activities help your child develop fine motor skills critical for reading and writing.

“In order for a child to develop holistically, fine motor skills are very important,” says Lu Lewis, early childhood educator. “When you slow down and allow your child to do the activities listed above, you allow him to learn eye-hand coordination. His hands and eyes learn to work together. For example, when you give a child something to cut out, their eyes see what you want them to cut and their hands cut what their eyes see.”

Even simple things like a baby grasping for an object is a fine motor skill.

When a parent always gives the rattle to the baby, it robs them of an opportunity to learn this skill.

“A mom once asked me if it was bad if she didn’t play with her child all the time,” Lewis says. “In today’s society, I think many people believe they are not being good parents if they are not always entertaining their child. The truth is your child needs to play for a period of time with an object in order to complete a play cycle and concentrate to the point that it is etched into their long-term memory. Many educators see children in their classroom who are always dependent on an adult to complete a project for them because they have never completed a project by themselves.”

Believe it or not, helping your child develop fine motor skills isn’t complicated.

Just including your child in your day can help develop these skills. Folding laundry, talking with your child as you cook, letting him walk with you to the mailbox and allowing him to open the mailbox and grab the mail, asking him to get a pan or utensil for you, and allowing him to play in the tub with toys are all activities that help to naturally develop these necessary skills.

“Most parents I work with really want their child to do well,” Lewis says. “Sometimes parents do things they believe are helping their child when they are actually hindering their development. The number one thing I would tell parents is to slow down, relax and let your child truly experience life.”

In addition to including your child in your daily activities, Lewis encourages parents to:

  • Walk with your child down the street and count bricks or pick dandelions without being in a hurry.
  • Encourage them to sit at the kitchen table while you fix dinner and string beads or sort blocks by color instead of watching television or playing on the computer.
  • Incorporate time for your child to play every day.

“Learning is a human endeavor,” Lewis says. “It takes place from one human to another and it requires your most precious commodity, time.”

In the movie Overboard, a man tricks a woman with amnesia into thinking she is a wife and the mother of four. Annie (the mother) gets fed up with the father for not spending time with his children. His response to her? He says he is a pal to his kids, and that he “brings home the paycheck, which is what the man of the house is supposed to do.”

Annie’s response? “Your children have pals. What they need is a father.”

For many years, experts told fathers that bringing home a paycheck and leaving the parenting to Mom was the most important example they could set for their family.

Now, research shows that having a loving and nurturing father is as valuable as having a loving and nurturing mother for a child’s happiness, well-being and social and academic success.

It isn’t just about bringing home the bacon.

Looking back, Scotty Probasco, Jr. recognizes that his dad did a whole lot more than just bring home a paycheck. As a result, his influence is still present in his life today. He set an example that helped his children understand what it means to experience life to the fullest.

“My dad and I were as different as night and day,” Probasco says. “He served in both World Wars and was a very stern man, yet he was a nurturing presence in my life. He showed me what it meant to be a loving husband and father by working hard, yet making sure that he spent time with our family. My dad believed that work was honorable and fun. He taught me that I ought to try to do things that would make the world a little bit better. Throughout my life, I have tried to live out the lessons my father taught me.”

Mr. Probasco, Sr. set an example for his son that not only taught him about taking care of his family, it taught him about the greater good: Understanding that it is not all about you. He knew that some of the greatest blessings people receive are from giving to others.

There is no doubt that involved dads do make a difference in the lives of their children. However, some fathers struggle with how to engage their children so they can provide a nurturing example.

Dad, if you really want to connect with your kids, try these tips from the experts.

  • Respect your child’s mother. If you are married, keep your marriage relationship strong. If you are not married to your child’s mother, it is still important to respect and support her. Parents who respect each other are better able to provide a secure environment for their children.
  • Spend time with your children. Treasuring children often means sacrificing other things, but spending time with your kids is essential. You lose missed opportunities forever.
  • Talk to your children. Too frequently, dads only speak with their kids when they have done something wrong. Take time to listen to their ideas and problems with they are young. If you do that, they will still want to talk with you when they get older.
  • Discipline with love. Children need guidance and discipline, not as punishment, but to set reasonable limits. When you discipline in a calm and fair manner, you show love for your child.
  • Be a role model. A girl who spends time with a loving father grows up knowing she deserves for boys to treat her with respect, and she knows what to look for in a husband. Fathers can teach sons what is important in life by demonstrating honesty and responsibility.
  • Be a teacher. Teaching your kids about right and wrong encourages them to do their best, and you will likely see them make good choices. Use everyday examples to help your children learn the basic lessons of life.
  • Show affection. Children need the security that comes from knowing their family wants, accepts and loves them. Show appropriate affection every day -it’s the best way to let your children know that you love them.

And finally, don’t underestimate your significant role in your child’s life.

A young girl was touring the social worker through the home she shared with her father. When she came to her bedroom, she proudly showed the woman everything in her room. With big eyes and a huge smile, the little girl asked, “Would you like to see bombs away?”

Hesitantly, the social worker said yes. “Come on Dad, let’s show her,” said the little girl.

Dad came over to the bed, grabbed his daughter’s arms and legs and started swinging her. Finally, he let go as she yelled, “Bombs away!” and landed on her bed. Loud, gleeful laughter followed.

Looking horrified, the social worker said, “Stop! No! You should not be doing that.” Both father and daughter looked at her with troubled and quizzical faces and said, “We shouldn’t be doing bombs away?”

Fathers and Mothers Parent (and Play) Differently

“This is probably one of the best examples of the difference in how men and women view play with children,” said Dr. Ron Klinger, founder of the Center for Successful Fathering and author of The Common Sense No-Frills, Plain-English Guide to Being a Successful Dad.

“Researchers tell us that children of all ages from infants to high school prefer play with dad over mom because it is unpredictable, physical, rough, dad cheats, and it’s fun. It is a test – it stretches you. You find yourself doing things you would never do. Most importantly, it is a playful form or preparation for the challenges our children will face in the real world.”

Klinger contends that what the father was doing with his daughter was totally appropriate. While mothers are the initial primary caregivers and continue to be the nurturers and protectors, it is the father’s job to engage his children in rough and tumble play and to encourage them to take risks.

However, the challenge for many is that nearly 80 percent of dads today did not grow up with an actively involved father in their lives. When moms say, “Don’t play so rough,” most guys don’t know to say, “But this is what I am supposed to be doing.”

“The bonding with a child and their father is based on this rough and tumble play,” Klinger said. “This playful interaction turns out to be very powerful in teaching independence, self-reliance and courage. It also encourages children to become more tolerant of frustration. The father is introducing the child to a world that is defined by adventure and adversity, not comfort.”

There are other benefits of rough and tumble play for children, too. They include:

  • Building a bond of affection and trust with their father;
  • Exposure to personal challenges such as riding a bike;
  • Learning to be a successful risk-taker;
  • Building self-confidence;
  • Girls growing up to be unintimidated by competitive men; and
  • Becoming resilient.

“When a mother approaches her child, the infant’s heart rate begins to slow down,” Klinger said. “When a father approaches his child, their heart rate begins to race in anticipation of excitement and action. Babies need this to stimulate brain activity.

“I can remember when my own son would climb our spiral staircase and leap out to me below. The space separating us was only a couple of feet, but he was jumping from seven feet high. He was investing a huge amount of trust in me. Admittedly, this is the kind of thing that drives mom nuts, yet it’s exactly what dads and children should be doing. Play is the antidote for anxiety.”

Looking for more? Check out this episode of JulieB TV on this topic!